Author Topic: How do you handle "anniversaries"?  (Read 2057 times)

stillme

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How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« on: February 16, 2017, 07:10:47 AM »
I just realized why I had been seething with rage the last couple of days. We are coming up on an "anniversary" and my subconscious realized it before my conscious mind did. But, I definitely started to realize it with my conscious mind - a LOT. I know the timelines of all of my husband's escalations - basically, I know his entire porn journey. My husband crossed a line in that he actually visited a massage parlor and got a blow job. I know when it happened - just about two weeks after my birthday. Well, guess what is coming up - my birthday. He had to plan this little 'adventure', so he had to start planning right around my birthday.

My husband is trying desperately to just move past things, he wants the past to be the past and focus on the future. I, on the other hand, want to know that he realizes consistently just how much hurt and destruction this particular act brought into our marriage. We are coming up on the absolute biggest deception of our marriage. We are about to step directly into the anniversary of the biggest lie my husband ever told. His hesitancy in acknowledging that and wanting to close his eyes and stick his fingers in his ears and just cover up the date with cake and ice cream has me absolutely raging.

So - how do you handle "anniversaries" for things like d-day? I may be the only person here that has a husband that actually moved beyond viewing porn to actually doing cam-to-cam and having a "happy ending' massage, but I do know everyone had a d-day. Do you find yourself getting angry around that time? Do you want your husband to acknowledge the date or just ignore it?

Emerald Blue

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Re: How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 11:51:14 AM »
Stillme, it must be awful knowing that your birthday almost coincides with his acting out at a massage parlor. I think the first year is the worst but it's probably one of the ways we come to terms with reality. It's like the grieving process in that respect.

The only real 'anniversary' that sticks in my mind is d day so in that sense I don't really have any other particular dates. One sort of 'anniversary' was about 6-8 months or so before d day I had one of those sixth sense "something feels off" periods. The first anniversary of that time, not a date specifically but around that month felt like a reminder of sorts I really felt those memories of dissonance and unease.

Other reminders I find upsetting are being near locations of strip bars. On one occasion having to go past one of the venues he admitted to going, I had a real stress reaction in my body and my mood changed. I was aware of the effect it had on me. Not only that, I had been past there many times before, sometimes with my husband, sometimes alone. I had no idea that it was a stripping venue but he obviously did because he'd been. That put a very strange perspective on my memories of being around that area. I haven't been in that part of town since.

I had a few 'retrospective' anniversaries when I discovered that there had been events and functions I attended alone whilst he had planned to be "too tired after work" to join me, only to discover that he used the opportunity to have a porn party in my absence. Discovering the dates of his "special" porn downloads really tainted what were actually some of my big achievements which those events were supposed to be celebrating. So not an "anniversary" as much as a date that I have come forgotten. I don't even like remembering those "happy" celebratory occasions I especially when he picked me up in the car afterwards – oh such a supportive husband – with a big stupid grin plastered across his face. Was it because he was pleased to see me? No it was because he'd had some big wankfest. If I'd got a cab and returned home early I bet he would have such a big stupid face on him.

It must be really hard for you knowing these anniversary dates. These details seem to stick, don't they? I am certain that I have not had full disclosure even though that's what I asked for. I don't know if there is actually any advantage in not knowing more details, because the more you know the more knowledge you have to hurt you. I've been played for a fool and I know it.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 12:14:13 PM »
Makes a lot of sense Emerald Blue. There were a couple of reasons I needed full disclosure. The first was that my husband was spending money. We have joint accounts, so it was completely disrespectful to take household funds and use them on porn/webcam/massage parlor. I needed full disclosure of exactly how much money he had spent out of our household funds.

Also, once I knew he did act out physically, I needed to know how often he did it and exactly what he did. Thankfully it was only once and it was a blow job. I needed to know "what" because prostitute aren't clean. When you have sex with random strangers, the chances of having a sexually transmitted disease is VERY high. His acting out put 'my' health and life in danger. I also made him get tested and provide a copy of the results. Talk about scaring someone straight - having to walk into his doctor's office and ask for a full round of test, including HIV testing was humiliating and scary for him. He also had to go back at the six month mark for a follow-up HIV test because there can be a delay. Again, thankfully he was clean, but if I didn't know he had physically acted out I would not have known that I needed to ask/demand he get tested. I have a right to know where my husband's penis has been if he is having sex with me. I refused to risk my health.

I also asked for disclosure so that he would have to face what he did. He would talk in general terms, but to have to sit there and face the fact that he missed out on important things so that he could jack of to porn was huge. It made him see just how much his addition had cost him and our family.

So, knowing is painful, but for me it was absolutely necessary.

Oh yeah, I also needed PROOF that he did NOT access child pornography or view under age women. That is my absolute, positive, no questions asked line in the sand. I have children to protect and his word was not enough for me. I needed undeniable proof that he never crossed that line, because if he did he would be absolutely out on his ear - no questions asked. I also needed proof that he did not access rape porn. Thankfully again, he was pretty vanilla in his porn viewing.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 01:01:07 PM »
Anniversaries are hard. I found out, my d-day was over 3 days (found something, then let it go for a day, then went back to find all of the history during our entire relationship) and it was our one year anniversary of meeting in which I found out. So our anniversary is also D-day... which really sucks. There were other small "d-days" in December and January (my bday is in January) so this past winter was really tough for me, and knowing our one year anniversary is also d-day is honestly heartbreaking. During this winter, I basically told my partner how hard this was going to be for me, that I was going to be triggered, and that I would really like to spend the winter trying to do fun new things, while also acknowledging what happened.

Have you mentioned to your husband that this is going to be a really hard time for you? Have you told him that it is imperative that he acknowledge's his actions and the consequences? The only way my partner and I made it through this winter was because I made it clear that I was probably going to be highly anxious during those weeks, and need extra support, talking, and fun. If I hadn't of communicated and drawn a line of my boundaries, I don't think we would have had a decent winter together.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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aquarius25

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Re: How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2017, 05:31:36 PM »
Anniversaries are difficult. I think it is good to identify your grief. Honestly when I think on my sadness it is best described as grief. I grieve so much. But what is important is to not stay there. I acknowledge my sadness and the things that happened but then I look to what has changed and where we are now. I look at the future and the direction we are going and, at least for myself, I try to see this experience as a learning process. I am learning more about myself, I know my husband is learning more about himself, and together we learn more about each and what marriage means to us. I try to focus on the good and the bad and see how I am matured, grown, and who I am becoming. I know it doesn't take the pain away but at least it makes the pain seem like it has a purpose and isn't just pain for the sake of pain.
Know you are not alone and you have support here for sure!

Lilly

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Re: How do you handle "anniversaries"?
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 12:10:49 PM »
I've been with my husband for many years and His addiction has been there the whole time, but has gotten worse over the years.There have been alot of shows that I enjoyed and cartoons that my kids watch that I have found out that he has masterbated to. I have a hard time celebrating anniversaries in general because there is nothing to celebrate. Another year has gone by with a man that doesn't care enough about me to want only me. It's been a struggle for many many years to just breath.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2017, 12:15:35 PM by Lilly »
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