Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 49795 times)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #675 on: January 29, 2021, 05:30:38 PM »
Had chaser effect for a full day or so after the dream.

I'm really struggling symptoms-wise. No use lying and saying I'm alright. I'm not. My life is shitty. It's not fun. I can barely play video games most days. Can't watch movies. Or T.V. Ever. Can't read most days. Can't write. Can't think. Digestion is terrible. Everything kind of just sucks ass. It's all either bland or downright miserable. This shit is the worst. I hate it so fucking much.

Nothing positive to say. It's all just shit. 15.25 months into this and I'm still doing terribly.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #676 on: January 30, 2021, 10:12:20 AM »
Going to be another terrible day today. Lost it a little yesterday.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #677 on: January 30, 2021, 02:07:55 PM »
Hope you feel better soon.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #678 on: January 31, 2021, 02:05:23 PM »
Thanks Jeks.

Still not doing well. A lot of negative thoughts. A lot of anger. I'm very, very angry these days. Not at anything in particular, my brain is just full of rage. My chemicals are all fucked up and out of whack.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #679 on: February 03, 2021, 10:20:18 AM »
This forum is blowing up--I didn't post for ~2 days and I had to go to the 2nd page to find my thread. Goes to show how prevalent this addiction is.

Still suffering majorly. Hangin' on by a thread. Hoping for an improvement soon.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #680 on: February 05, 2021, 10:34:34 AM »
My brain is interested in porn these days. Need to keep an eye on that slippery fucker. He's a liar. He loves porn sometimes, so I need to separate myself from him and trust in my understanding that porn is evil, regardless of how much my brain loves it.

Things have been difficult for a while now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to move forward and trust that it will all be over one day. It can't go on forever.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #681 on: February 05, 2021, 09:01:58 PM »
Really need to be vigilant for the foreseeable future. My brain is craving the porn.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #682 on: February 06, 2021, 05:14:32 PM »
Yeah my brain is craving porn hard. I really need to be vigilant at this juncture.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2021, 07:02:04 PM by zander13 »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #683 on: February 07, 2021, 12:19:57 PM »
Damn this sucks ass. I'm really down right now from the withdrawals.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #684 on: February 07, 2021, 12:56:41 PM »
Damn man, that sucks. Hope they pass soon.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #685 on: February 08, 2021, 03:51:38 PM »
@Jeks Thanks. I dono if you ever mentioned what I discuss below, but yeah, I'm trying something different. Maybe Sanders said something about it, I dono, my memory is shite these days.

I'm going to start taking an SSRI. Just emailed a psych and waiting for her to get back to me. I've been on one before and it helped me, though this was back when my addiction wasn't the kindled monster that it is now. It may not do much, or it may do a lot. I'm just ready for a change. I don't see it as taking the easy way out--my anxiety and anger are still super prevalent and it's almost been 16 months. It's time for a change. I need an injection of hope.

Even if it doesn't work I'll at least be proactively doing something, and seeing time through a different lens. I like the idea of anticipating a drug's effects, as opposed to sitting around waiting for a good day to emerge out of the quagmire of shittiness I currently find myself in.

The pandemic, coupled with PAWS, mixed with the harsh winter of where I'm from has put me in such a shitty spot. I'm the most helpless I've ever felt.

Wish me luck. For the first time in 2 months, I'm kind of excited.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #686 on: February 08, 2021, 04:20:50 PM »
Dude, i think its a great idea.
Being proactive, just trying out new things. I think its the exact opposite of the easy way out. Everything that helps, helps. After so many months of suffering i think its totally appropriate to try out something new.

I wish you good luck with that. Hopefully it can help you a bit to get a new kickstart in.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #687 on: February 10, 2021, 03:38:15 PM »
Last two days have been easier. Hope this is a sign that I'm climbing out of this current wave of symptoms, but I'm not going to get excited.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #688 on: February 10, 2021, 08:16:05 PM »
At the other forum I go to people have been posting long-term success stories. Here's one where the guy overcame a 27 month flatline: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/csqkbw/yes_end_of_27mo_flatline_826_days/

I hope mine won't take that long but there's more proof that I'm not the only one going through a long one.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #689 on: February 11, 2021, 09:47:48 AM »
Had a dream where I relapsed. It was awful. Going to be on guard today.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #690 on: February 11, 2021, 12:47:23 PM »
I posted a while back about how I had picked up on the patterns of this thing. Well, obviously, I was a little off in my calculations back then. But I do think that I'm gaining a firmer understanding of the ebbs and flows of this flatline. The excel document I'm keeping is getting more and more detailed, and it's allowing me to dissect the monster a little easier.

I don't really know why I seek to know the patterns, because whatever happen will happen. I think it's a human thing to try and define everything, even if we're dealing with something as indefinable as a flatline. I want to KNOW. I want to feel like I'm in control. But I'm not, at all. Boy, oh boy, am I not.

Close to the end of month 15. I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things. What I do know is that this process doesn't feel like an adventure anymore. Before, there was a sense of discovery. And optimism. Now I'm at the latter half of the marathon, where I'm just trying to fucking get there. My legs are fucking shot and my breathing is heavy. I'm beat down.

I've been reading stories of folks who took 2+ years to get out of their flatlines. Of course I'm prepared to wait that long, but god damn man. That's a long fucking time. I hope I can return to normalcy within the 2 year mark. Once the weather starts getting better I'm going to want to take part in all of the springtime energy activities. I want to start dating again. I want to be able to enjoy nature.

Even if I don't leave the flatline soon, I hope that my symptoms lessen in severity, and that my social anxiety goes away. If I can spend time around people without wanting to leave immediately then I'll be okay. I can wait it out if that's the case. Hell, if I gain the ability to enjoy movies again then I'll be A-okay.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #691 on: February 16, 2021, 12:55:17 AM »
Accidentally saw simulated sex on a TV show I've been watching. Need to be better with avoidance of that kind of thing.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #692 on: February 17, 2021, 02:07:31 PM »
For the past week I've had some decent spells interspersed between not so great ones. I'll take it. Nice to not be fucking miserable all the time.

Today I had the thought that I miss talking with the girl I used to see. She was great to speak with--she became my best friend, and now I don't have that anymore. She helped me realize that other people can be much better than the ones I've been used to associating with. Made me realize how important it is to expand my horizons so that I can get a more accurate representation of what this world can offer.

Anyways, I hope this trend continues. I know I'll, at some point in the future, return to that darker place, but it's nice to be in a peak rather than a valley. And I was right before when I said that I'll never feel as dark as I once did. I'm definitely through the most difficult parts of this flatline. Though I'll have more hills to climb, I'm on my way down from the metaphorical mountain.

I'm excited to leave the flatline so I can start being super creative again. I want to see what I'm truly capable of.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #693 on: February 18, 2021, 03:48:06 AM »
Good thing you feel a little better at the moment. Great news.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #694 on: February 18, 2021, 11:37:54 AM »
Thanks Jeks.

My brain is craving porn really fucking hard right now. Wish me luck. Holy shit man it's hungry.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #695 on: February 18, 2021, 03:02:21 PM »
Of course as soon as I post something positive I get hit with a day where I feel like absolute shit. And I mean shit. Fuck I'm sick of this.

also just had a terrible run in with a psychiatrist that left me shook. It's tough when oyu make yourself vulnerable to someone and they're just not the kind of person you should be opening up to. I ended the session early but I had to call someone and blow off a fuck ton of steam.

COVID and wintertime have really done a number on my mental health, and I'm kind if flailing right now. I've never felt this close to relapse in a long time. When I start craving cigarettes, alcohol, etc. is when porn starts to sound a little bit sweeter. I've really gotta be strong these next couple days.

Last time I posted something like this a guy said "man up" to me. I pretended his comment didn't get to me but it did. But now I've acquired enough anger from my mishap with the psych to say this: never post on my thread again. This is a safe space where I'm allowed to say whatever the fuck I want. you may think you're "tough" because you don't ever speak about your emotions, but I'm pretty fucking confident that I'm a much nicer, empathetic, smarter, tougher person than you'll ever be, hot shot.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2021, 03:49:09 PM by zander13 »

Sanders

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #696 on: February 19, 2021, 03:21:01 AM »
Hey man,

Sorry to hear that happened! It's a real tough situation that when you're trying to get help from someone you think is capable something like this happens. I hope you'll find someone who does a better job and can actually help you! For me the third psychologist was actually one that could help. I emailed them before the visit and explained my situation and asked whether they thought they could help. Of course they all said yes, but one out of three really could. It's a tricky process since porn is such a strange subject for many. There should be someone that can help you, definitely :)

There are plenty of people here giving shit advice or they're just really ignorant. I saw one guy here blaming a spouse because her husband was a porn addict and it was her fault because she should have been more satisfying. I like to think that most people here -including me- just don't really have a clue and try to suggest whatever they know. It's pretty shit of that person to write something like that in your journal but I'm happy for you that you're defining it like this.

I realise that there's plenty of reasons to feel bad next to fighting the addiction. I don't know whereabouts you live but here it's been constantly under -10 Celsius. Since most places are closed due to COVID there isn't too much to do. We've got to find something to occupy us and keep us sane :) Anyways, hope you'll keep your motivation high and pass through the coming days smoothly!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #697 on: February 20, 2021, 04:51:01 PM »
@Sanders: Thanks man. You've been a really nice guy all throughout this process. Hope things continue to go well for you.

I just read two stories on nofap.com, back to back, that had one guy admitting that he failed after 810 days, and the other after 5 years. This is not something that just goes away after a set amount of days. A day will come when I get out of the flatline, but that will not mean that I'm finished from my journey. Porn is accessible 24/7, and it will never not be an issue for me.

The thought that "this will all be over after XX days" is nothing but detrimental, and was a mistake that I made many times when I was younger. I'd think "after 120 days I'll be done with this shit and return to normalcy". Nope. Days are just a nice way of tallying our successes. They aren't an accurate barometer when it comes to our levels of recovery. One guy at 300 days could still be more susceptible to relapse than a guy at 45. And both will be susceptible for the remainder of their lives. These pathways in our brains are deep. Don't take this shit lightly, or see it as some kind of phase. It's serious, and you can fail after 5 years of abstinence. Man was it humbling to read that. 5 fucking years and this guy is now completely re-addicted. And the 812 guy said he relapsed 10 times in one day.

Be wary gentleman. But still celebrate the victories, because it also seems to be detrimental to live a life in constant fear. A fine balance has to be struck. I'm not at a point where I can live like that, but one day I will have to figure out how to be wary of relapse without having the fear of failure infecting my mind 24/7. I might need some outside help once I leave this flatline and am able to return to life in the way that I want to.


zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #698 on: February 23, 2021, 11:02:11 AM »
16 months today.

Really starting to think that this flatline is going to last longer than 2 years. I still feel awful far more than I feel decent (let alone good).

kami

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #699 on: February 23, 2021, 04:06:15 PM »
@zander13

Do you workout? Have you tried eating certain foods? Dark chocolate is like the best for me to get an erection. I use to be on steroids and after you get off you have ED bad... I looked up all the food to eat to help and eat them all and it worked well for me... and working out helps a lot with blood flow and confidence...