Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[zander13]

Still hurting

[worldlit4213]

Hey Zander, we're here to encourage and support you through your tough times! Don't give up and press forward, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

[zander13]

@world: Thank you kind sir.

445 days. Not too shabby. Most important thing is to not relapse. Gotta keep the defenses up. The internet is full of land mines.

[Phineas 808]

Good determination, Zander!

[zander13]

Not trying to be selfish by posting this much but I need to express just how much I need to keep moving, despite how lonely/sad/stressed I feel.

[zander13]

honestly feel like i haven't improved at all

[Sanders]

I wouldn't apologise for posting anything here on this forum Zander. Post 20 times a day if that helps you, seriously! This forum is meant for helping each other and whenever you feel like there's something to get off your chest I'd take the opportunity here. Express all that you feel and experience if you feel like it, simply writing about it already helps a lot.

I can only imagine the difficulties you're going through, but you're the one experiencing them. Would it be of any help to write more in depth about what a shit day feels like to you? I guess you've already had every piece of advice thrown at you throughout your journey here so I believe there's little more advice that I can offer you. What I can write is that you've gone now about 1,5 years without porn which is an amazing accomplishment. You've been battling this addiction whilst dealing with mental issues, family, depression and whatnot. You're an example of resilliance and I trust that life will get better soon for you, it has to right?

Keep going forward!

[zander13]

Thanks Sanders. Very kind.

Ready for something new. Life is very, very difficult for me right now. It has been for a while.

I just want to feel normal. For fuck's sake

[zander13]

Haven't been sleeping well. Really, really down in the dumps today.

[zander13]

I gotta remember the main reason why I'm doing this: because I want to write/teach writing for a living. That is the ultimate impetus, and it is the only reason I've been able to quit in the first place.

[zander13]

Confused at the moment. Don't know where I'm at, where I'm headed. Nothing to go off of at the moment. Stay away from porn folks.

[zander13]

This video affected me, because it confirms what I already believed but haven't thought about in a while: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys6TCO_olOc

[Jeks]

100% true. Only after abstaining from porn, i realized how i used porn to escape from all the bad stuff in my life, so much so that it came as a real shock for me, when i got frustrated or upset and just craved for porn like an animal. Holy fuck, i remember how i didnt manage to do a task and how i just opened my laptop without any control like i was not myself. It was freaky.

[zander13]

@Jeks I know man. I'm glad you've done what it takes, internally, to be where you're at. Good stuff!

I really disliked myself when I was younger. And that wasn't necessarily my fault, but it really tore me up. My self-esteem was so low. Took going to therapy and meeting people who were different to the ones I grew up with to see things from the perspective I do now. I believe that overcoming addiction is really about figuring out how to love yourself enough to want to truly quit.

[Chris Oz]

That's a nice way of putting it zander. I'm taking a mental note of that.

[zander13]

@Chris Yeah. Like the dude in the video said, I think it's worth asking the question "why am I doing this?"  The issue is usually a little more esoteric than just pure science, though science is a major component of it and the truth when it comes to the nuts and bolts of recovery.

I'm at around 50-60% capacity still. It's going to take me 2 years, if not longer, to feel normal again. Sad truth that I need to swallow. Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Fucking shite mate. This is what happens when you binge relapse after long streaks--don't do it folks.

[k-fff]

Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

This is a very accurate description. I am waiting for the really brutal part of my reboot considering getting a month is becoming easier and easier, but I have binged a lot in the past and edged a lot. Edging being the absolute worst. I just hope I am strong enough for inevitable suffering that is gonna come from 4 years of heavy use. I hope you get better soon Zander.

[Gabe Deem]

Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Great quote, Zander! Keep truckin. Keep fighting. If you're not out of the woods, keep swinging your ax.

[zander13]

@Gabe: Thanks for the shoutout man. I used to watch your Youtube vids when they first came out--they were part of the beginning of this process for me. You've done a lot of good for a lot of people. Thanks for all of it.

Btw friends--I'm 15 months today. That's kinda cool, though, if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean all that much to me. I just want to feel better. I've been in a rough patch for over a month now, and yeah, I'm ready for it to be over with.