Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel (Read 46775 times)

zander13 · « **Reply #400 on:** May 07, 2020, 08:24:01 PM »

Had sex today. I told my girl that we need to take a break from seeing each other because I'm too far along to jeopardize the recovery. She understood. Glad I finally made a concrete decision.

zander13 · « **Reply #401 on:** May 09, 2020, 01:07:33 PM »

Another day another dollar. Not much else to say on my end. Still dealing with withdrawals. I need to stay patient and not set timelines or expect to be better by a certain date or after a certain amount of months. These next couple months are going to be trying as hell. But I need to remember to think about the math going on behind the scenes. What's a couple (or several, need to be realistic) months compared to the hopefully decent amount of good days I'll be enjoying from then on after. I CANNOT RUSH THIS PROCESS!!! I need to remember why I'm doing this, and the answer is "to save my own life". Fruitful living and porn addiction will never mesh together. They need to be separated, and one of them needs to get fucking vaporized forever.

Jeks · « **Reply #402 on:** May 10, 2020, 12:52:52 AM »

I am happy for you, that you made the decision to talk to her. I am sure you will feel better soon, when you stay away from sex for a while.

Keep on trucking.

zander13 · « **Reply #403 on:** May 13, 2020, 03:33:27 PM »

It's been very rough lately. Fuckin' hell man. I hate this.

zander13 · « **Reply #404 on:** May 15, 2020, 07:54:45 PM »

Damn man this is tough. Doesn't feel like I'm improving sometimes.

Jeks · « **Reply #405 on:** May 15, 2020, 09:42:08 PM »

Quote from: zander13 on May 02, 2020, 10:18:20 AM

I've had days in the past where my mind was clear of the fog and my libido was close to healthy, and I remember those days being 200% easier when it came to working towards a brighter future.

Even if it sounds logically twisted, the fact that you feel worse after staying away from sex might be a "good" sign.

quitforeverthenwin2 · « **Reply #406 on:** May 16, 2020, 07:16:55 AM »

Sorry to hear things are tough! Keep moving forward, the tough times always pass. You have the right perspective some tough days now in exchange for things being so much better in the future.

zander13 · « **Reply #407 on:** May 16, 2020, 06:29:44 PM »

It still hurts really fucking bad. The withdrawals have been fucking insane man, holy hell. They're taking me to the brink. The further I've gone along, the harder they've gotten.

zander13 · « **Reply #408 on:** May 18, 2020, 12:37:16 PM »

Had a bit of reprieve yesterday evening and have felt pretty decent this morning. The past couple days I was having legit urges to use porn, which was really fucking scary. We'll see if they come back. Hopefully, if they do, it won't be for a while.

zander13 · « **Reply #409 on:** May 20, 2020, 01:11:16 PM »

Just gotta keep rolling. Things are subtly improving. I’m getting closer everyday, though sometimes I don’t feel it. I need to remember why I’m doing this, always.

Jeks · « **Reply #410 on:** May 21, 2020, 05:06:15 AM »

You doing good man. You got this. Beat this shit once and for all.

zander13 · « **Reply #411 on:** May 21, 2020, 12:00:07 PM »

7 months today.

Felt like shit all of last night and all of today.

zander13 · « **Reply #412 on:** May 24, 2020, 06:40:05 PM »

Would be lying if I said the past couple months have been easy or enjoyable. But I need to stick with the game plan and always remember why I’m doing this. I’m fighting for a life that has the capability to be filled with joy. That’s all there is. I’m fighting for a worthwhile existence. Nothing else needs to be said.

J000123757 · « **Reply #413 on:** May 24, 2020, 11:41:47 PM »

Congratulations on the work you’ve done so far! Your one day at a time focus seems to be helping. There will be a day when the urges aren’t so bad. Keep going, your work is an encouragement for me.

faenoe · « **Reply #414 on:** May 26, 2020, 04:56:42 PM »

Hey zander I appreciate the bluntness with which you justify your reasons for quitting porn. The simple chance of having a worthwhile existence is underappreciated and undervalued in today's culture. I find myself constantly surrounded by opportunities to metaphorically opiate myself and merely live life for the purpose of experiencing as much pleasure as possible. But a worthwhile existence is far deeper than any of that. Thanks for your perspective.

C39 · « **Reply #415 on:** May 26, 2020, 06:38:09 PM »

You already inspires me, I hope I can get as far as you are right now (and aim even further ofc)! Keep it up!

zander13 · « **Reply #416 on:** May 26, 2020, 08:59:27 PM »

Pain was severe today. Guys, learn from me, I beg you. Do not kindle your addiction! It makes the withdrawals extremely painful and debilitating. The depressions are unfathomably deep.

I’m here to remind myself, once again, that all this pain will not be for naught. I cannot fail. I need to be as vigilant as an angel. I’ve been meditating regularly and plan on continuing to do so. It’s the best way to hone my thought observation skills, which are paramount to success in this arena. Fuck man, I just gotta keep going. I need to break through.

faenoe · « **Reply #417 on:** May 27, 2020, 12:09:29 PM »

Hey zander, I'm feeling the same way today. Hope you're making it through alright.

Sanders · « **Reply #418 on:** May 27, 2020, 02:26:41 PM »

Hey Zander, just wanted to say that I've read through your entire journal as my start at rebootnation. I'm beyond words of how amazed I am with your determination and perseverance. Despite all the damage and hurt it's causing you keep pushing and moving forwards in this battle. It's truly inspirational! I'm convinced you'll beat this monster in your life, I'm rooting for you!

zander13 · « **Reply #419 on:** May 28, 2020, 12:46:25 AM »

Thanks Faenoe and Sanders. Means a whole lot to read that kind of stuff--all the little things help me immensely. Good luck to the both of you.

I had the strongest urge to relapse today. I started hooking up with my girl, and while doing so, I said that she had to leave before we went somewhere that I've vowed to never go again. So she left, and I was turned on, but not in a healthy kind of way. It was a compulsive, porny kind of arousal, and the urge to relapse was as strong as a fucking bull. I narrowly slipped by if I'm being honest. Luck, sadly, was most definitely involved.

Anyways, I told her that her and I are no longer allowed to spend time in my apartment together. I simply cannot jeopardize my recovery. I've been playing with fire for far too long, and I'm pretty freaked out by how close I was to relapsing. I need to renew my plan and think a little more strategically about this whole thing. My fuckin' life is on the line.

Sex and hooking up, for me, are off limits. My brain is so fucked up from this shit that it STILL can't discern between real women and porn. The disease is so deep in my brain that it sometimes feels as if it'll never come out. This journey has been so damn hard man. I can't even talk about it with people because they simply don't understand the levels of pain I've endured.

As I said before, I need to refocus. No more sexual stuff with my girl. It's the biggest trigger. It's the only thing that has created any kind of urge. Normally I just feel anxious and depressed, but hooking up with her turns that shit into yearnings for porn. It's insidious, this addiction. It's been trying to sneak past my defenses like a sly, backstabbing little fuck-face. Luckily, I caught it during its little flanking mission. I don't know how, but I did.

Good night my friends. Keep fightin' the good fight.

jhonjordan · « **Reply #420 on:** May 28, 2020, 06:20:57 AM »

Hi Zander

I am on day 9 since my last relapse and reading your post really inspires me. I congratulate you on the effort and keep going!

Thank you!

anonfromfinance · « **Reply #421 on:** May 28, 2020, 08:13:30 AM »

Hey man, that's tough. I had a similar experience around 20-30 days into a reboot earlier this year when I hooked up with a random stranger hoping that it would be better than watching porn. Haha turns out, that was not one of the best decisions I made. I also vividly remember it not feeling anything like real sex, it just felt like a fucked up porno fantasy.

I'm glad you've decided to consciously avoid hooking up and sex. While sex can help, I believe that most of us know when it is the right time for ourselves. As long as you know this is not the time to be experimenting with that, that's great. Keep it up. I hope you do manage to make a speedy recovery and the days from here on out are easier for you.

Quote from: zander13 on May 28, 2020, 12:46:25 AM

It's been trying to sneak past my defenses like a sly, backstabbing little fuck-face. Luckily, I caught it during its little flanking mission.

Haha I just had to take a moment to appreciate how good this is.

zander13 · « **Reply #422 on:** May 30, 2020, 10:53:02 PM »

Had sex tonight. Disappointed in myself. Paying the price through the acquisition of brain fog, insecurity, and loneliness. I just need to get back on my feet as soon as I can. Shame doesn't accomplish anything.

I've been having some good days lately, which is very encouraging. Just need to keep going. Always moving forward.

zander13 · « **Reply #423 on:** June 01, 2020, 10:55:06 AM »

Had sex again this morning. Another mistake. Need to be vigilant about chaser effect. Not much else to say. Dumb to be making these kinds of mistakes this late in the game but alas, I am only human. But still, I need to take another break from the girl. I'm just alone all the time because of this pandemic so I fall back to hanging out with her, which often leads to sex.

zander13 · « **Reply #424 on:** June 01, 2020, 09:21:07 PM »

Paid for the sex I had. Today was rough man. Ready for a new day tomorrow.