Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 49555 times)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #650 on: January 09, 2021, 07:53:48 PM »
Still hurting

worldlit4213

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #651 on: January 09, 2021, 11:33:25 PM »
Hey Zander, we're here to encourage and support you through your tough times! Don't give up and press forward, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #652 on: January 10, 2021, 05:20:35 AM »
@world: Thank you kind sir.

445 days. Not too shabby. Most important thing is to not relapse. Gotta keep the defenses up. The internet is full of land mines.

Phineas 808

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #653 on: January 10, 2021, 05:46:18 PM »
Good determination, Zander!
My abstinence is currently at 112+days.

My Journal

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #654 on: January 11, 2021, 12:11:24 AM »
Not trying to be selfish by posting this much but I need to express just how much I need to keep moving, despite how lonely/sad/stressed I feel.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #655 on: January 12, 2021, 10:11:43 PM »
honestly feel like i haven't improved at all

Sanders

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #656 on: January 14, 2021, 03:57:27 AM »
I wouldn't apologise for posting anything here on this forum Zander. Post 20 times a day if that helps you, seriously! This forum is meant for helping each other and whenever you feel like there's something to get off your chest I'd take the opportunity here. Express all that you feel and experience if you feel like it, simply writing about it already helps a lot.

I can only imagine the difficulties you're going through, but you're the one experiencing them. Would it be of any help to write more in depth about what a shit day feels like to you? I guess you've already had every piece of advice thrown at you throughout your journey here so I believe there's little more advice that I can offer you. What I can write is that you've gone now about 1,5 years without porn which is an amazing accomplishment. You've been battling this addiction whilst dealing with mental issues, family, depression and whatnot. You're an example of resilliance and I trust that life will get better soon for you, it has to right?

Keep going forward!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #657 on: January 15, 2021, 03:11:59 AM »
Thanks Sanders. Very kind.

Ready for something new. Life is very, very difficult for me right now. It has been for a while.

I just want to feel normal. For fuck's sake

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #658 on: January 17, 2021, 09:23:54 AM »
Haven't been sleeping well. Really, really down in the dumps today.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #659 on: January 18, 2021, 05:53:16 AM »
I gotta remember the main reason why I'm doing this: because I want to write/teach writing for a living. That is the ultimate impetus, and it is the only reason I've been able to quit in the first place.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #660 on: January 20, 2021, 07:56:05 AM »
Confused at the moment. Don't know where I'm at, where I'm headed. Nothing to go off of at the moment. Stay away from porn folks.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #661 on: January 21, 2021, 11:10:13 AM »
This video affected me, because it confirms what I already believed but haven't thought about in a while: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys6TCO_olOc

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #662 on: January 21, 2021, 01:08:34 PM »
100% true. Only after abstaining from porn, i realized how i used porn to escape from all the bad stuff in my life, so much so that it came as a real shock for me, when i got frustrated or upset and just craved for porn like an animal. Holy fuck, i remember how i didnt manage to do a task and how i just opened my laptop without any control like i was not myself. It was freaky.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #663 on: January 21, 2021, 01:27:23 PM »
@Jeks I know man. I'm glad you've done what it takes, internally, to be where you're at. Good stuff!

I really disliked myself when I was younger. And that wasn't necessarily my fault, but it really tore me up. My self-esteem was so low. Took going to therapy and meeting people who were different to the ones I grew up with to see things from the perspective I do now. I believe that overcoming addiction is really about figuring out how to love yourself enough to want to truly quit.

Chris Oz

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #664 on: January 22, 2021, 04:10:54 AM »
That's a nice way of putting it zander. I'm taking a mental note of that.
My abstinence is 0+ days currently

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #665 on: January 23, 2021, 07:39:53 AM »
@Chris Yeah. Like the dude in the video said, I think it's worth asking the question "why am I doing this?"  The issue is usually a little more esoteric than just pure science, though science is a major component of it and the truth when it comes to the nuts and bolts of recovery.

I'm at around 50-60% capacity still. It's going to take me 2 years, if not longer, to feel normal again. Sad truth that I need to swallow. Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Fucking shite mate. This is what happens when you binge relapse after long streaks--don't do it folks.


k-fff

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #666 on: January 23, 2021, 09:58:21 AM »
Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.
This is a very accurate description. I am waiting for the really brutal part of my reboot considering getting a month is becoming easier and easier, but I have binged a lot in the past and edged a lot. Edging being the absolute worst. I just hope I am strong enough for inevitable suffering that is gonna come from 4 years of heavy use. I hope you get better soon Zander.

Gabe Deem

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #667 on: January 23, 2021, 11:13:58 AM »
Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Great quote, Zander! Keep truckin. Keep fighting. If you're not out of the woods, keep swinging your ax.
Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem. Please consider supporting Reboot Nation on Patreon https://www.patreon.com/gabedeem

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #668 on: January 23, 2021, 04:54:32 PM »
@Gabe: Thanks for the shoutout man. I used to watch your Youtube vids when they first came out--they were part of the beginning of this process for me. You've done a lot of good for a lot of people. Thanks for all of it.

Btw friends--I'm 15 months today. That's kinda cool, though, if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean all that much to me. I just want to feel better. I've been in a rough patch for over a month now, and yeah, I'm ready for it to be over with.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #669 on: January 24, 2021, 05:05:19 AM »
Hey zander,

since i have also some experience with long-time-rebooting and feeling shitty over a long period of time, i just wanted to give you something, that helps me a bit. Even though helping is maybe a little too strong of a word. It makes things sometimes a little more rearable. Anyway.
Try to find thoughts or memories that are keeping you hopeful. Sounds a little obvious i know. But in really difficult times, it helpes me to think about reasons or passed events, that are make it seem more likely, that things will get better. F. e. when i was worrying about VL or my bladder, i tried to think about reasons and events that are in favor of things getting better.
Even though i do not know your whole story, as far as i understood, there was a time before you relapsed, when you felt much better. That would be maybe one of those thoughts. As i said it sounds obvious, but when i feel really hopeless, it really helpes me a bit to reconnect with those thoughts.

Maybe that can help you a bit. Keep fighting your way back. There will be a way out.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2021, 05:07:53 AM by Jeks »

anubu0

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #670 on: January 24, 2021, 01:11:14 PM »
I agree with Jeks!

Having started watching P at a young age, I've often dreaded that I will also take a long time to fully reboot, maybe 1 year to 2 years. Even typing that out made me really sad and unmotivated but there are always things to reminisce/think about when you're feeling down. I think / will think about my family, how my addiction has affected them, and the life I can live when this is all over. Because, this WILL be all over. We just need to get through the struggles to see the light :)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #671 on: January 25, 2021, 11:16:39 AM »
Yeah there was a time when I was so fucking close to feeling normal. It was the first serious reboot I ever endured, and I was at ~210 days. That's all it took, back then, for me to feel pretty fucking good. It was magical. I still remember this one day I had so vividly. I was watching the movie Shutter Island, and I'd never felt more engrossed in a movie in my life. It was as if I was Leo Dicaprio experiencing the world that Martin Scorsese created. The weather, the atmosphere, the emotions. It's etched into my memory, and I oftentimes use that day as the evidence I need to prove that these withdrawals are what's causing my issues, and that they do eventually go away. I remember music sounding profound, and I was able to sleep like a wee little baby.

I think it's a lot easier to draw up positive memories/motivations/emotions when I'm feeling decent. But on those dark days, I have to go a little deeper to keep from doing anything stupid. It's more fear based, but it has worked thus far. I know that if I relapse I'll be forfeiting years and years of my life, and at the age of 29 that's no longer acceptable. I don't even want to imagine the kind of place I'd be in if I relapsed. It'd be too dark for words.

This is very, very serious for me. I've smashed my brain into a pulp, and this is no longer some adventure for me. There are no more second chances. I used all of them up earlier on in my recovery.

If you read my journal, which, I know, is quite long, I think anyone would be able to spot this evolution that I just mentioned. I used to only post things on my good days, and they were usually quite positive, hopeful, endearing entries. My symptoms weren't as severe (not even close), and I knew that I'd be just about cured within a year if I stuck to my goal. But as time has progressed, and I've binge relapsed after these long streaks, my brain is so fucked that the symptoms are debilitating, and my whole entire body/being/mind is completely distorted and fucked up. No self-pity in that statement--it is what it is. And I'm the only one that can get myself out of it.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the reminders, because who knows, maybe, the next time I'm feeling like I'm in the 7th layer of hell, I'll try even harder to sprinkle in some nice thoughts. Who knows though, things get so fucking dark man. I wouldn't wish those mind states on anyone.

Hopefully 2 years will be the magic pill. If not, then I'll just have to keep going past that threshold. There's no other option for me.

Hopefully, once this is all said and done, I can continue posting on this forum, offering advice and whatnot. I can be the poster-child for the folks who have got it really bad. Sadly, I'd imagine that as time goes on, there will be more of us. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I think all of this is going to get worse before it get's better. Our society needs to undergo some changes if we're going to battle this problem on a scale that it needs to be battled at. It's like Germany in the early stages of WW2. They (Germany, perhaps more of Europe) kind of turned a blind eye to all of the evil going on underneath the surface, preferring to maintain the surface/face of the nation rather than pointing out the darkness and causing a ruckus. Maybe that's too harsh of a metaphor (nothing will ever compare to the atrocities of the Holocaust, not even close), but my point is that this porn issue seems to be pretty fucking bad, and yet nothing about it is entering the mainstream in any kind of credible way. I think the majority of people on this earth are being affected by it, but not everyone is sensitive enough to even realize what it's doing to them. We, the unfortunate ones, were hit so hard by porn's vileness that we couldn't choose to ignore it even if we wanted to.

Just think about the evolution of our culture the past ten years--step sibling stuff, pornstars used as gamertags (indicating, to me, that porn has entered the cannon of our popular culture), sending nudes in middle school, instagram models, blah blah blah blah. I know I'm a boomer, but the trend seems to indicate that porn is fucking things up. I'd bet that, in bedrooms across the world, things have grown worse as well. For me, porn altered my sexuality from the get go. I treated women as objects, and acted accordingly. I'd wager that I wasn't the only one, and that that kind of behavior is still going on today amongst our youth. Probably more so.

I feel passionately about this issue because it has damaged my life in such a profound, inescapable way, so perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, kind of like how an alcoholic tends to believe that alcohol is evil not just for him but for everyone, and that most of the world is comprised of burgeoning alcoholics or currently practicing ones. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Keep fighting the good fight.

anubu0

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #672 on: January 25, 2021, 11:33:59 AM »
Hey Zander,

Agree with you completely. Your analogy with allied appeasement to the axis powers fits perfectly. There needs to be action and it needs to be soon. If countries and politicians as a whole aren't willing to put up the fight, we're the ones who have to do it. We p addicts NEED to recover, to share our stories, to inspire others, and to show the world just how serious this problem is. I'm sorry that your journey feels so dark and one out of desperation. This is, like many others, your only option. But, as I cannot stress enough, we need to remember the happiness associated with a p free life. We're going through hell to reach heaven. You've got this Zander I'm rooting for you man.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #673 on: January 26, 2021, 03:09:24 AM »
Tonight I was woken up at 3 am by an orgasm I had while sleeping. It was a pornographic dream, and I was humping my bed. I feel guilty, for some reason. I don't know. But I'm scared of the chaser effect. Fuck. I mean, I was sleeping, but since I was humping the bed and the dream was like half-lucid..I dono. I'm not in a good spot right now. I hope this thing didn't do any lasting damage. I just want to be finished with all of this. Fuck. It wasn't masturbation because I would never do that, but for some stupid fucking reason I feel partly responsible. My brain is reacting to the orgasm in an odd way. I guess we'll see where things go from here. This shit is the worst.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 06:01:43 AM by zander13 »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #674 on: January 26, 2021, 06:13:12 AM »
I fell back asleep and woke up to realize that the wet dream was out of my control. I have some extra brain fog this morning but other than that, I think I'll be fine. Still going to be on high alert for any kind of chaser effect, and I'm going to go out of my way to ensure that I avoid anything triggering today.

The timing of the wet dream is key--3 am is a rough time for me. I must have relapsed at that hour in the past because I've felt serious pangs of symptoms at 3 for the entire reboot.

My brain wasn't getting what it wanted while I was awake, so the sneaky fucker went ahead and grabbed it while I was asleep. Typical, classless thief. Waiting until the owner is in bed, in the dark. Late at night. What a fuckin' loser. Never can trust a guy like that.