Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel (Read 49416 times)

zander13 · « **Reply #375 on:** April 23, 2020, 10:15:45 PM »

Beginning of the day was tough but then it was starting to get easier....and then I did something stupid and had sex (didn't come, but it seems to me that the coming isn't the important part, it's the stimulation. Kind of like how edging is worse than coming when it comes to masturbation).

I'm upset with myself. It's hard to have sympathy for a guy who knew full well how bad sex was for him yet continued on with it anyways.

The most important thing is to remember why I'm doing this: to have a second chance at life. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important than my capital "L" life. Nothing. I can't ever forget how much this reboot means to me. It's everything. It's days upon days upon days of struggling. It's the hope for a better future. It's the holy grail. I need to double down and get fucking serious. No more fucking around.

zander13 · « **Reply #376 on:** April 24, 2020, 08:09:12 AM »

I ended up doing it again and coming. Damn. Well, just gotta keep moving forward.

And when I say "doing it", I mean sex, not relapsing.

On the other hand, the urges are strong right now and I need to be very, very, very vigilant. This is the first time I'm facing the corona lockdown in full force, and I think the fact that I've been so solitary today has lead me to places I haven't been to in a long time. I'm a little frightened, to be honest.

zander13 · « **Reply #377 on:** April 25, 2020, 11:35:58 AM »

Today is tough, but not crazy tough.

zander13 · « **Reply #378 on:** April 26, 2020, 07:57:41 AM »

This process fuckin sucks man. I just want to feel normal. I JUST WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONS!!!!

zander13 · « **Reply #379 on:** April 26, 2020, 08:12:33 PM »

These past 3 days have been forgettable. Ready for something new.

zander13 · « **Reply #380 on:** April 27, 2020, 11:08:22 AM »

Feeling better today. Been having MW more days than not, though they disappear soon after I wake up, and they aren't always the stiffest.

Tired of the mental numbness that comes with the Lamictal I'm taking, but that's nothing new to report.

Yesterday was fuckin' brutal, so I'm glad it's over. I'm not going to have sex for a very, very long time. All it does is bring pain and misery. Shame that I have to scold myself about fucking naturally, but life is life. No use trying to get pissed at it.

That's all I have for now. Good luck to the lot of you. I know how rough this path is, and I applaud anyone who is willing to stay on it.

zander13 · « **Reply #381 on:** April 27, 2020, 03:51:53 PM »

Startin to hurt pretty bad. Usually ~330-7pm sucks for me. Must mean that the meat of the damage I did during that infamous binge session occurred during this time frame. I'm currently praying that I can get off the Lamictal once this is over so I can begin to write seriously once more.

Jeks · « **Reply #382 on:** April 27, 2020, 04:13:03 PM »

Sorry man, i am pretty much out of words. My english is just not the best. All i can say is you are doing good. Keep being aware whats going on. You will definitely find a way to further work on your passion, but take it step by step. Don't rush it. If you keep experimenting i am sure you will also find ways to work on it, while being on medication. Just keep observant.

zander13 · « **Reply #383 on:** April 28, 2020, 10:53:56 AM »

Withdrawals kept me up until 2 am last night, and I never really left that mind state. I'm already feeling significant pain today as well. Don't really know what to think about any of this.

anonfromfinance · « **Reply #384 on:** April 29, 2020, 10:27:47 AM »

Hey man. I just want to quickly take this opportunity to tell you that I've been reading your journal since the start. It is honestly quite inspiring (even if you might think it's not. I don't know what your thoughts are on that) and I actually wanted to finish the entire journal before I said anything but I only got to two pages. I think you're doing an absolutely great job. Your journey and ideas have sparked many thoughts and I want to genuinely appreciate you for that. I also want to read more before I give any detailed advice but based on your recent posts I think that you're having a rough time. I do hope you come out of this soon. You seem like a stand-up guy and I wish you luck on your journey man. Just continue fighting this battle, and in spite of being a random stranger on the internet, I completely believe you can do this.

zander13 · « **Reply #385 on:** April 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM »

Quote from: anonfromfinance on April 29, 2020, 10:27:47 AM

Hey man. I just want to quickly take this opportunity to tell you that I've been reading your journal since the start. It is honestly quite inspiring (even if you might think it's not. I don't know what your thoughts are on that) and I actually wanted to finish the entire journal before I said anything but I only got to two pages. I think you're doing an absolutely great job. Your journey and ideas have sparked many thoughts and I want to genuinely appreciate you for that. I also want to read more before I give any detailed advice but based on your recent posts I think that you're having a rough time. I do hope you come out of this soon. You seem like a stand-up guy and I wish you luck on your journey man. Just continue fighting this battle, and in spite of being a random stranger on the internet, I completely believe you can do this.

Damn man thank you so much. Really appreciate your kind words.

Yesterday was a bit of a reprieve. It was the best day I've had in a while. Today my balls are shrunken and my mind is a little fucked, but what's new about that. I think it's going to be about a year before I can rejoin society in the way that I'd like. This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society. What's weird about all this is the fact that I can have sex pretty easily, yet the mental symptoms are still terrible. I think true brain health equates to the ability to become erect through touch alone, which is a feat that I've accomplished in the past. Too bad my mental illness caused me to relapse so many times, because, normally, I'd be through this hellhole already. I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

Jeks · « **Reply #386 on:** April 30, 2020, 01:09:42 PM »

Quote from: zander13 on April 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM

This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society.

I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

I feel exactly the same way.

Thats also the reason, why i have got so much respect for you. I dont know if i would have been able to stand up like this again and again, without giving up on life. It takes so much inner strength to mobilize again and to commit on fighting back even when you feel like everything is just hopeless.

Its good news that you feel a little better today.

zander13 · « **Reply #387 on:** May 01, 2020, 02:55:08 PM »

Quote from: Jeks on April 30, 2020, 01:09:42 PM

Quote from: zander13 on April 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM
This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society.

I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

I feel exactly the same way.

Thats also the reason, why i have got so much respect for you. I dont know if i would have been able to stand up like this again and again, without giving up on life. It takes so much inner strength to mobilize again and to commit on fighting back even when you feel like everything is just hopeless.

Its good news that you feel a little better today.

Dude thank you so much. It's been very hard for me to do anything productive lately--the depression from this bullshit can sometimes be all-consuming. I'll be sure to try and reciprocate the support as soon as I feel up to it.

I fucked up again, and again, it was by fucking. I had sex three times over the past two days. The chaser effect has never been stronger. I had very real urges this afternoon that were very, very difficult to fight. This whole sex thing is my only path to relapse at this point, so I don't know why I keep doing it.

I'm really worried guys, I haven't had cravings like that in a long time. And now I'm going to have to face at least another two days of them. I can't fail this late in the game. I jsut can't. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Jeks · « **Reply #388 on:** May 01, 2020, 05:06:18 PM »

Dude, dont give up. I really know how it feels, when you feel like life is just a fight every single secound. Try to see, that there is hope. Yes, you have to take the right action, and yes it wont be easy with depressions hanging on you like weights, but there is hope. Mobilize to get to that place. I dont know all of your story, but i think working on curing your depression and getting rid of porn addiction might be on top of the list to get there. Maybe its also other stuff, but isolate on what things you have to work on for now and do everything you are capable of right now. Maybe that doesnt feel like much, but thats already enough to not get sucked in entirely by the swamp.
It seems like you have to stop having sex to beat this addiction, then work on doing so. You got rid of porn, you can also do it with sex. Make it clear in your mind, why this is necessary. It cant stay like this forever and you know that.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your situation and hope that can help. You are long enough in the process to know that you can take it or leave it and you know best whats right for you.
I wish you all the best man.

zander13 · « **Reply #389 on:** May 01, 2020, 07:53:27 PM »

Quote from: Jeks on May 01, 2020, 05:06:18 PM

Dude, dont give up. I really know how it feels, when you feel like life is just a fight every single secound. Try to see, that there is hope. Yes, you have to take the right action, and yes it wont be easy with depressions hanging on you like weights, but there is hope. Mobilize to get to that place. I dont know all of your story, but i think working on curing your depression and getting rid of porn addiction might be on top of the list to get there. Maybe its also other stuff, but isolate on what things you have to work on for now and do everything you are capable of right now. Maybe that doesnt feel like much, but thats already enough to not get sucked in entirely by the swamp.
It seems like you have to stop having sex to beat this addiction, then work on doing so. You got rid of porn, you can also do it with sex. Make it clear in your mind, why this is necessary. It cant stay like this forever and you know that.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your situation and hope that can help. You are long enough in the process to know that you can take it or leave it and you know best whats right for you.
I wish you all the best man.

Everything you said is correct. I can't argue with any of it. It's just nice to have this kind of support at such a critical time in my life. Thank you very much for taking the time to help me out my friend, it means a lot.

As far as the sex is concerned, I don't know what to do. As much as I enjoy the quarantine when it comes to giving me time to play on an even field with my peers, I'm starting to abhor the closeness that it brings to me and my lady friend. It's almost like "well there's nothing else to do, we might as well fuck again". I still don't know if sex is as compulsive as the porn stuff is, because most guys want to fuck as much as they can regardless of any addictions. The sex doesn't feel dirty, but it doesn't feel immaculate either. It still blows my mind how able and ready I am erection wise--my ED is just about cured, and yet the mental symptoms still eviscerate my ability to function properly. Anhedonia is a common theme in my life--I just don't give a shit about most things. When I don't receive any kind of reward for the actions I'm performing, then it's extremely hard to find motivation to do them. Netflix can barely hold my attention, and I usually end up deferring to playing Call of Duty while I listen to comedy radio.

The worst part about this addiction, to me, is the inability to enter any given moment. This hellish nightmare robs me of my ability to step into the now and just enjoy life as it is. That's what i want back most of all--total life immersion. I want to sink into time, and to just plain old look forward to things. I wanna have some fuckin' fun man. that's it.

Jeks · « **Reply #390 on:** May 02, 2020, 12:59:03 AM »

As always, i just hope being a help.

I am surely no expert, but it seems to me, that when you feel like sex isn't helping you right now, worse: it even increases your symptoms, and you are not not able to stop, despite of trying it a well amount of times, then there seems to be a compulsive component to it. (that's pretty much the core diagnostical tool for addiction.)

When i had real severe depression, i was able to to tell, where my depression stemmed from. My core problems were, that i thought, that i could be impotent for the rest of my life and secondly i was very unsatisfied with my work-life. The reasons for that were complex, but i knew that these are the areas of my life, where all of this stemmed from. That of course influenced everything in my life, my ability to earn money, my ability to enjoy time with friends, my ability to enjoy my free time, my ability to build a intimate relationship, everything seemed to go to hell.
Well, clinical depression is a whole other animal, but i think that even to conquer clinical depression, you have to find out what things make you depressed, which things really cause your depression and this also can be hard to admit. And the next step is to mobilize and to try to figure these things out even if you want to shy away from it. That means, that you work on solving the problem, or that you work on learning to live with it and to be in peace with it. The good thing is, that as soon as you decide, what to work on first and you commit to it, you don't feel as helpless anymore. Sure, you still might not know, how to solve the problem or how long it will take, but at least you know what to work on for now and that can give some kind of relieve.

As always zander, i don't know your full story. I am just typing, what helped me in my situation and hope, that some of this can help you as well.
Take care of you

anonfromfinance · « **Reply #391 on:** May 02, 2020, 01:53:04 AM »

Hey Zander, sucks to see you struggling again. First of all, I think it's great that you recognize quarantine is actually a huge advantage for you since it levels the playing field. So all I'm going to do is simply ask you a question. Why are you throwing it away?

This is the time for you to get up and take action. You have enough time to achieve everything you want to. (Well, realistically, maybe not everything. But quite a lot.) This quarantine essentially gives you a headstart. Do you want to get back out there in the real world? Now is the time to be able to work on that. All you have to do is get up and actually take advantage of this time. I realize that sometimes it can be very difficult to come out of that rut. Those days when you absolutely can't find the willpower to get up and do something. Absolute hell.

Very recently, I had 2 such days in a row, and let me tell you, I bitched and moaned about how unfair life was. I did yeah, but after a certain point of time, you realize that these problems can't and won't go away on their own. You have to take some sort of action. In my case, it was realizing that I have to get up and workout and resume studies. That first workout routine after those 2 days felt absolute hell. The first page of my books felt just as dry as my sex life (LOL). But the longer you let this continue now, the shittier it is going to feel when you do get back on the wagon. Maybe things aren't that simple for you, but there has to be a point of realization where you essentially say to yourself "Okay, sure I had sex 3 times in the past two days, now I know this is bad, but what can I do going forward to avoid this? You already recognize that this didn't feel immaculate, so do I want to put my lady friend through that repeatedly? Isn't that a little unfair for her? So what am I doing to tackle this problem?"

I will also give you this: Doing something productive in quarantine: absolutely difficult. Working on problems such as addiction and those that affect mental health: even more difficult. But you have to consciously make an effort to work on them. I'm assuming you've already done this with porn, so you have a lot of experience, probably more so than I do. Put that to use. You wanna have fun doing things? Look forward to doing things and enjoying the moment? That is all up to you. If your mind is clouded by thoughts of sex, you're not going to realize any of these things. Personally, I actually look forward to studying now. It reminds me why I got into this particular field of interest and I have an equal number of days where I don't enjoy it. What keeps me going is knowing that my goal is to get to a particular point in life and my studies will help me do that. Similarly, find yourself a goal. What do you want in life and how is not having sex going to help you achieve that? You want to be able to enjoy and live in the moment? Not having sex is going to clear your mind enough to be able to do that. And so on.

Things will always be rough, you just have to find ways to overcome it. I hope this is not too preach-y, I genuinely want to be able to help and some of the things I said might've been too obvious. But with addiction and like, we often fail to see things that are too obvious and essentially they're the ones that work. Also, I agree with everything Jeks is saying too. In the end, it all comes down to how you want to put this advice to test. Hope you feel better soon man.

zander13 · « **Reply #392 on:** May 02, 2020, 10:18:20 AM »

@anon and @Jeks: thanks for the advice and support. I wish the two of you all the best as well as you continue moving forward.

Today I woke up in a similar fashion as the previous couple of days, and yet I feel just a smidgen more motivated. I've already accomplished some things and taken care of the little details that life requires of us.

I understand people's points about using time effectively, but as Jeks fully understands, sometimes it's not about "getting shit done". Sometimes, for me, it's about survival. On some days (the past month and a half for me, really) all I can do is not relapse. So much energy get's expended trying not to do something that I don't feel much propulsion to move forward when it comes to life goals, chores, dreams. And I don't shame myself about that, because I fully believe that the motivation to succeed and build a family will naturally return as my brain heals. It's a slow, grating process, but it's an absolute requirement in my eyes. I've had days in the past where my mind was clear of the fog and my libido was close to healthy, and I remember those days being 200% easier when it came to working towards a brighter future.

I'm not perfect when it comes to spending my time, and I do need to push myself more, but the more important thing is for me to beat this addiction once and for all. That is my main goal as of now, and everything else has to take a backseat, because the worst thing I can do is start blaming external factors for why I feel shitty, when in reality, I feel shitty because my brain is faulty and little bit broken.

zander13 · « **Reply #393 on:** May 02, 2020, 10:40:10 AM »

This deserves a seperate post: I just finished meditating, and it was pretty damn nice. I want to start doing it daily again.

zander13 · « **Reply #394 on:** May 04, 2020, 04:27:52 PM »

Feeling terrible this afternoon. Definitely kindled this addiction into a bona fide monster.

blueicetea10 · « **Reply #395 on:** May 05, 2020, 05:14:39 AM »

Hope you a good day

zander13 · « **Reply #396 on:** May 05, 2020, 12:43:09 PM »

Another day of shit

zander13 · « **Reply #397 on:** May 06, 2020, 09:45:55 AM »

Still haven't gotten a single true day off in about 50 days. Every day for the past ~2 months has been anywhere from tough to extremely, extremely difficult. I need a fucking break from these symptoms man.

anonfromfinance · « **Reply #398 on:** May 06, 2020, 11:24:09 AM »

Hey Zander, sucks to hear that you're having a rough time. However, good times are coming. Trust and believe. Keep on fighting the good fight man. Rooting for you.

zander13 · « **Reply #399 on:** May 07, 2020, 02:09:46 AM »

Quote from: anonfromfinance on May 06, 2020, 11:24:09 AM

Hey Zander, sucks to hear that you're having a rough time. However, good times are coming. Trust and believe. Keep on fighting the good fight man. Rooting for you.

@anon Thank you my friend. I wish you well on your new journey, you know that it's up to you to figure out what went wrong and how you need to fix it. I'm not here to give anyone advice, because the alchemist's formula for success lies in your own personal laboratory. Know one can create the concoction for you. I'm just here to support you, because you've done an excellent job of supporting me. All of you have. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Boys, It's 3am and I'm still not asleep. My brain isn't letting me go to bed. I'm afraid that the withdrawal symptoms have begun to aggravate my bipolar symptoms, and the topsy turviness of the withdrawal bar graph has triggered some sort of hypomania. This has happened to me before, but this time is a bit scarier. My last reboot was terrible because the withdrawals would keep me up to 5 in the morning on some occasions, and I'm fucking terrified of that cycle repeating.

Regardless, all I can do is roll with the punches and suffer as gracefully as I can. This is a messy process, but it's something that I can no longer avoid. The pain has to happen. I need to walk through that fiery tunnel. This is a battle for my life, so I need to conjure the strength of an angel.