Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel (Read 48938 times)

zander13 · « **Reply #350 on:** April 09, 2020, 08:29:01 AM »

This morning hasn't been too bad. I had a crazy night full of odd, semi-vivid dreams and pretty rough withdrawals. In fact, I woke up several times throughout the night because the withdrawals were so intense.

We'll see how today goes though--maybe last night was a signifier of something, or maybe it was just another phase of this flatline that I can't seem to escape.

I have some form of morning wood more often than I don't but it's never that powerful, and it usually fades shortly after I wake up and realize it's there. I feel as if I'm in the part of the flatline/journey where things begin to plateau, and progress becomes slower moving. Regardless, I gotta keep pushing forward, and remember why I'm doing this. I can't get too caught up in the moment, though it's very difficult not to when the depression gets as bad as it's been getting.

zander13 · « **Reply #351 on:** April 10, 2020, 07:59:43 AM »

Woke up feeling weird this morning, and it's already gotten bad. Today is going to be a really tough day, I can already tell. All I need to do is survive.

Edit: I was right, today has been difficult so far. Hopefully this means that I'm near the end of this flatline, it's been going on for 25 days. That's 25 days of difficult, painful withdrawals. Not every moment has been difficult, but the majority of the time has been rough. Anxiety,depression, insecurity, doubt, shame, fear--all of those emotions fill the withdrawal periods. My dick and balls have been periodically shrunken all throughout. Fucking hell man, it's been so fucking terrible. This new drug I'm on helps a little, but the sacrifice I make is cognitive impairment and an increased level of brain fog and overall disconnectedness from the world. To put it bluntly, I feel drugged out. I can't read at all, and writing is even more difficult than before.

I can't wait for the time when all of this is over. I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I want to be my best self.

Another edit:

I have now realized that I've never once broken out of the flatline during all of my numerous, lengthy reboot attempts. I've made it to 190 days twice, 150 twice, and a bunch of other numbers before and after, including several 90 day stints and a couple 120s. Kind of sad when I think about it. That's so much time spent in flatlines.

But to get back to my point, never once have I gotten past the flatline period. I've never shaken off the tugging, nagging, depressing sensations of the withdrawals. Not once.

So it's about fucking time that I beat this shit for good, so I don't care about how many drugs I'm on right now--I'll do anything to feel my emotions again. My life is literally on the line at this point, and I can't fuck up now. This addiction is unforgivable when it comes to relapses, and that's a fucking fact. People can dispute it all they want, but if your addiction is deep and thorough, then relapsing fucks you over bigtime.

zander13 · « **Reply #352 on:** April 11, 2020, 02:06:49 PM »

Got withdrawals at 6 am that woke me up, and have had them ever since. Fuck. I'm in a dark place.

CallousedMind · « **Reply #353 on:** April 12, 2020, 01:43:38 AM »

Hi Zander!
I read your journal and it was really encouraging and it made me realize that this process is going to be hard and it's going to take a lot of time to complete so thank you. I haven't been able to get any streak as long as yours and I only experienced strong withdraw feelings once so I'm not an expert on that field but I think doing some sport will definitely help you. Maybe you're doing it already, I don't know. For my working out, even just for 25 minutes, has helped me a lot. It just makes you happier and you get out of your mind for a while. Also, I don't know if you are in the productivity/self development/whatever world and if you know Tim Ferris but he was an interview with Jocko Willink (a NAVY SEAL powerful as hell) about depression and suicide. He has some good knowledge about the subject so I think you may get something out of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsxydhFqXug
Have a nice day Zander.

goingpublic · « **Reply #354 on:** April 12, 2020, 04:28:33 AM »

Have been reading your whole journal a couple of days ago. Man, your journey is tough (to say the least)! Mental illness is a bitch. I thought I have problems.

I also thought that your withdrawl symptoms comming every coulple of days and then you feeling normal/good sounded much like you are bipolar.

Maybe the carnivore diet helps you. Jordan Peterson and his daughter got a lot better by that (with their depressions).
A book in the same direction is "The UltraMind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain by Healing Your Body First" by Mark Hyman.
I talks about how food affects the brain.

Just some ideas.

I just wish you the best to get better!

-

Today is my 70th day of my current streak. I do nofap because I feel no attraction/desire for girls. I fapped from age 13 to 29. I'm 29 years old now. Found out that I had to do nofap in 2018. So from that time I tried to nofap but failed a lot. I had streaks and times where I didn't care and PMOed up until 2020.

zander13 · « **Reply #355 on:** April 12, 2020, 07:49:34 AM »

Day 170

Had a tough day yesterday and it seems I'm still in the flatline today, but my confidence is rising and I feel more comfortable in social situations, so I'll take it. I still can't read at all, or write cohesively, but I'm happy with where I'm at. This process is going to take a long time for me, which makes sense because I have a mental illness and I heard this addiction can hit us deranged folks harder than the average American.

I am pretty damn confident that I'll get to the finish line, whenever that is. I have no desire to tap out, and I'll get my forearm bone (I forgot what it's called) broken in an arm bar before I hit my hand on the mat.

Edit: No MW this morning, and last night I couldn't get a boner when making out and playing around with a girl. Embarassing but I explained and hoped that she wouldn't get freaked out or judge me. I'd rather tell the truth to a girl than to make excuses or try and lie my way out of the situation.

zander13 · « **Reply #356 on:** April 12, 2020, 05:37:22 PM »

Just got a blowjob. I didn't expect to get a boner with this girl but it ended up happening. I feel guilty because it's not the same girl I've been referring to. I basically cheated. I feel like a complete prick. I'm also experiencing the chaser effect and need to ensure that my vigilance is exponentially raised. I'm kind of happy that I was able to get an erection since I haven't been able to during this flatline (26 days I believe). I guess a part of me was hoping that it would rescue me from the flatline completely, so in that sense I'm not ashamed. In fact, when it comes to the actual orgasm, I'm going to try and not beat myself up about it, because that won't accomplish anything. I didn't watch porn, it was someone else's mouth/hand, and it was all happening in the realm of reality. I might feel like shit the next few days, but that's not too different than how I've been feeling lately anyways. Usually I start feeling better at around this time of day (~6pm), but it's not as if I just ruined a whole week. I have the strength to make it through this, I know it in my heart. But I do need to fix this cheating situation, even if that means receiving some hate.

Wish me luck lads, and try not to judge me too hard, all of this is difficult and full of plenty of nuance and extenuating circumstances.

zander13 · « **Reply #357 on:** April 13, 2020, 11:50:47 AM »

Not feeling too bad today. I'm definitely seeing tangible progress when it comes to the flatline. I might even be close to coming out of it, because despite the stuff I did yesterday, I had a pretty hard morning erection this morning. It was really fucking encouraging. Maybe the sex stuff was more beneficial that I thought, or maybe I'm just getting to the point where boners are returning more frequently.

Edit: Not feeling as good, and I'm starting to think that the chaser effect is affecting things. It's hard to tell what's causing what at this point. Got my fingers crossed but I've been trained, through disappointment, to always expect the worst.

zander13 · « **Reply #358 on:** April 14, 2020, 08:13:39 AM »

Made a major mistake last night: I had sex with the other girl. I thought with my dick, out of compulsion, and now I am being bombarded with feelings of guilt. I'm also being hit with a strong chaser effect which has me feeling insecure and without energy. I don't really know how to think about the mistake, but all I can do is keep my eyes on the ultimate prize and remember that sobriety will always be my main goal.

The chaser effect is real today, realer than yesterday, and I really need to be smart and self-aware.

I fucked up fellas. Now I gotta pay the consequences.

zander13 · « **Reply #359 on:** April 14, 2020, 10:41:48 AM »

This virus is starting to get to me. I feel trapped, shameful, alone, scared, insecure, afraid, dumb, lazy, cruel, and a bunch of other things right now. I'm in a very, very dark place. I don't even know what to do with myself right now, I fucked up so hard last night and now I'm paying the consequences today. I hate myself, and not just because of the sex. I hate myself because of the choices I've been making, the position I'm currently in, the lack of freedom and independence I have, and a host of other things. I now have lies hanging over my head, and I don't know what the right course of action to take is.

I've been having odd run ins with people all day today, and I think that my current mind state is causing these interactions to be as negative as possible.

The chaser effect is kicking my ass at the minute, and I one hundred percent regret what I did last night. There is definitely still a compulsive side to my sexuality, and my brain, obviously, isn't fully healed, or I wouldn't be feeling so shitty after an orgasm. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Jeks · « **Reply #360 on:** April 14, 2020, 11:41:29 AM »

Hey zander,
When you feel like having sex sets you back and increases your withdrawals and makes you feel worse, you have got to stop it, at least for longer than you currently do. You were able to stop with porn, then make the same decision with sex and see where it leads to. I really think it might delay your progress. Rewiring is great, but there are other things you can do, which might be beneficial in your case.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/rebooting-with-a-partner-what-about-sex/

Good luck man, keep going.

zander13 · « **Reply #361 on:** April 14, 2020, 07:45:20 PM »

Quote from: Jeks on April 14, 2020, 11:41:29 AM

Hey zander,
When you feel like having sex sets you back and increases your withdrawals and makes you feel worse, you have got to stop it, at least for longer than you currently do. You were able to stop with porn, then make the same decision with sex and see where it leads to. I really think it might delay your progress. Rewiring is great, but there are other things you can do, which might be beneficial in your case.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/rebooting-with-a-partner-what-about-sex/

Good luck man, keep going.

Thanks man, you're exactly right. I always very much appreciate your posts.

Feeling insecure tonight because of the chaser. Despite this, I'm feeling better when it comes to all the shame and self loathing. I just needed to ride that wave until it crashed.

Hoping tomorrow is better, though I'm always up for the worst. I'm going to beat this thing, just need to stay on the course and cultivate my patience and/or resilience.

zander13 · « **Reply #362 on:** April 15, 2020, 02:24:59 PM »

Tough morning, my medication experiment is in a rough patch--I don't know if I'm headed down to the right path. My energy levels are really low and this is just how it was last time I got majorly depressed, so I'm pretty fuckin' worried that I may have to be on LAmictal for the long run. I really hope not.

zander13 · « **Reply #363 on:** April 15, 2020, 09:01:43 PM »

My energy levels ended up rising back up and I like to think that I proved to myself that I won't need to be on Lamictal for the long term. In the short term I'm going to take it because it makes the withdrawals easier to cope with, and I don't have insane energy fluctuations like I did today.

I'm in a very difficult period of this journey, the withdrawals are sharp and painful. I can barely watch TV it's so fucking bad. I haven't been able to read in fuckin' ages. I'm in pain much more often than I'm not. I find myself living as if time were something that needs to go by, as opposed to relishing each moment.

Hopefully I'm at the crest of some sort of wave, and that it'll crash soon. I need a break.

zander13 · « **Reply #364 on:** April 16, 2020, 08:40:00 AM »

Feeling not bad, not good. Lamictal definitely takes some of the edge off of the blade. I had another vivid dream last night, which is encouraging to me because it means that some part of my subconscious is waking up. I like to think that I'm getting to some place that I've never seen before, and that I'll be able to return to my art of choice with an even stronger sense of my own voice. I want to create again, man. I want to hone my talents, however limited they may be. It's all about doing the best that I CAN, no matter how pitifully it stacks up to the pieces of literature that I love.

I also want to try standup comedy, because I think that my sense of humor is a stronger gift than my ability to write. It's also something I can do while on Lamictal.

Apparently I'm looking towards the future today, which is a nice change of pace. Just last night I was worried about how gloomy the skies looked.

Jeks · « **Reply #365 on:** April 16, 2020, 10:20:53 AM »

I am happy for you man, that you feel a little better. Not feeling bad is huge, when it comes to withdrawing from porn addiction. Use the time to get prepared for the bad times and to regain some hope and confidence.

zander13 · « **Reply #366 on:** April 16, 2020, 11:05:24 AM »

Feeling like shit now. Fuck man, what a 180.

Update: Today is the up there for the worst day of the reboot so far.

zander13 · « **Reply #367 on:** April 17, 2020, 07:26:21 AM »

Yesterday was fucking terrible, and my nuts are already shrunken this morning. It never ends man.

I'm starting to think that today might even be harder than yesterday.

Update: Today, so far, hasn't been as difficult as yesterday. I think it was just another phase of the flatline. I've been in it for 32 days and I'm beginning to believe that it's going to last for a very, very long time. Improvements are coming in very small increments, and honestly, I don't even see improvements. It's as if I'm stalled out. I obviously kindled my already volatile addiction, and now the pain is both longer and worse. All the long streaks I've had have actually hurt me more than they've helped. I'm close to 6 months and I don't see any kind of glow at the end of the tunnel. This shit could last for a long fucking time.

I think I did a crazy amount of damage the last binge I had, which was more than a year ago. It was so bad that I felt like throwing up when it was over, and I still get that feeling sometimes during these withdrawals. I sunk the knife in deep. A couple days worth of porn has spawned months and months of pain. I honestly don't know up from down anymore. My decision making, personality, sense of humor, everything, are unintelligible. I don't know hwo the fuck I am anymore, it'sbeen so long since I've been able to adequately express myself. I live in fear, man. Total fear. I'm 28 years old and I have no idea what in the fuck is going to happen to me. My instincts are all out of whack--I have no desire to improve myself or pursue any kind of career.

I think I'll become a mental health counselor, but my desire to do so is constantly in doubt. We'll see where I end up.

Another update:

Starting to feel like I did yesterday. Here we go. Pain City.

Jeks · « **Reply #368 on:** April 17, 2020, 02:23:00 PM »

hey zander, fucking tough man. i know the feeling of getting drained over a long period of time

I would advise for now not to worry too much about career. Use all your energies now to getting healed and to overcome this addiction. Thats said you can start to think about this stuff, when you feel like it helps you against your fights against depression and addiction. If it just feels like to you, that it puts an extra layer of pressure onto you, then try to not pressure yourself. You have enough time to think about this stuff, when you are actually healed.

zander13 · « **Reply #369 on:** April 18, 2020, 10:18:58 AM »

I'm in the belly of the beast. I can feel myself being digested. It's been very difficult these days. Fatigue is setting in. My body is exhausted constantly. I have zero energy. Urges are massive.

Update: Fuck boys, feeling like dog shit. Dick is hangin' low but the mental stuff is out of this world painful.

zander13 · « **Reply #370 on:** April 19, 2020, 11:28:16 AM »

Startin' to feel like pure shit. I actually had a few good hours yesterday which helped prepare me for the oncoming rush of hellfire.

zander13 · « **Reply #371 on:** April 20, 2020, 08:52:50 AM »

Feel like garbage already. Going to be a long day. Seems that I only deal with the worst of this addiction the further along I get in the process. I'm in one big flatline, it's been going on for like 34 days. Once this one is over, I feel like I'll be in a pretty good spot. I just need to ignore the fact that a lot of time is going by without any productivity on my end.

Jeks · « **Reply #372 on:** April 20, 2020, 03:52:09 PM »

Just keep going man. The day when all this is over will come.

zander13 · « **Reply #373 on:** April 21, 2020, 09:17:46 PM »

Not terrible today. Had sex last night which wasn't smart, but I'll deal with it. WDs kept me up until 2 last night, so we'll see what happens tonight. Fingers crossed.

zander13 · « **Reply #374 on:** April 22, 2020, 09:03:22 AM »

6 months

Fatigue is hitting me hard, it makes it hard to stand upright. These PAWs are fucking intense man.