Author Topic: What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.  (Read 378 times)

Emptyroom

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Journal. Day 65.

Damn. I feel like I might have taken a step towards relapse today. It feels like every hurdle I meet is worse than the last one. Now I went to a site where I could have encountered serious heavy triggers. It was a body contact site. I just read the text and held my hand over any triggering pictures. I was thinking about joining and searching for a temporary sexual partner. I was horny. Then I just suddenly just lost the urge. It was strange. I started a tinder profile. It ended with me talking with someone that I might want to start a real relationship with instead. I'm not sure if this was a good step for me at this time. I think that I would prefer a relationship over just abstaining. It's not good if I just use someone as a sexual outlet though. Maybe this is what I'm actually doing. The main focus for me should be to abstain from PMO. I guess it's better to search for an outlet in reality than with P. If it would be in the right way. Should I wait even more before I try to meet people? Until 90 days? Will that make a difference for me?
With all the triggering things that has happened, I'm thinking that I am riding on a negative-butterfly effect.
But I feel just fine otherwise. I feel good about my studies and I am not worried about things. What can I do? I will do some of my strategies and read stuff and keep the goal of my journey in my mind. I'm not sure if I should remove tinder. I think that I probably should but I feel lonely. Maybe its better to search for a partner than to be alone with my computer. Maybe the answer will come to me tomorrow. The answer is probably the hardest one. To just abstain and not try to meet anyone for a long while.

I have been thinking about if I have been to deterministic about my setbacks. That I have diminished the role of my own willpower and the fact that I have to make hard choices at critical times. That in the end it really is my irresponsibility that would lead me to a relapse.

Sanders

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Hey,

You're doing well on passing the two month mark, congrats! For YouTube I have the Google SafeSearch enabled. It blocks really well and there's none of these suggestive videos as you describe. Regarding the dating or finding some person, that's really up to you. As you also said, I don't think it's a good thing to use a person as a sexual outlet. After my wife found out a lot of things started making sense to her, sex felt to her like I used her body to masturbate. Now that's messed up and something I really don't ever want again. Actively looking for sex with a person for the sake of sex doesn't help much in recovering I think. I imagine that it's just a form of replacement to the brain and not really a connection. However, developing a real relationship can be a really good thing and doesn't have to have this pure sexual focus.

There's quite some things to consider given your personal situation but if you're looking for a connection to be with someone that's a good thing. If you search for someone just to aid you in your rehabilitation it can be harmful as well to both. I do have to stress that I don't have any experience in this and I'm just sharing my thoughts. I think simply writing out these thoughts of yours has already been helpful and it's good that you're actively finding motivation and reasons.

Keep it up! You're doing well :)

Emptyroom

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Hey,

You're doing well on passing the two month mark, congrats! For YouTube I have the Google SafeSearch enabled. It blocks really well and there's none of these suggestive videos as you describe. Regarding the dating or finding some person, that's really up to you. As you also said, I don't think it's a good thing to use a person as a sexual outlet. After my wife found out a lot of things started making sense to her, sex felt to her like I used her body to masturbate. Now that's messed up and something I really don't ever want again. Actively looking for sex with a person for the sake of sex doesn't help much in recovering I think. I imagine that it's just a form of replacement to the brain and not really a connection. However, developing a real relationship can be a really good thing and doesn't have to have this pure sexual focus.

There's quite some things to consider given your personal situation but if you're looking for a connection to be with someone that's a good thing. If you search for someone just to aid you in your rehabilitation it can be harmful as well to both. I do have to stress that I don't have any experience in this and I'm just sharing my thoughts. I think simply writing out these thoughts of yours has already been helpful and it's good that you're actively finding motivation and reasons.

Keep it up! You're doing well :)


Thank you Sanders,

I was a bit to horny last night. I guess the positive thing about it was that I wasn't drawn to P but to having real sex. But it's still not good. Yep! What you're saying makes perfect sense. I deleted my tinder profile just now. It was just about me using people as objects again. It was never about finding a real relationship. I was lying to myself.

This experience helped me a bit though because it redirected my horniness away from using P in the moment and the fact that a lot of people liked my tinder-profile gave me some confidence in myself. It was the right thing for me to remove it though. Thanks for helping me realizing it.

It is a problematic situation that I'm now in. I have such a high sexual energy in me now that I can't see things straight. It makes me, in horny moments, start to see people as objects and that makes it hard for me to find a genuine relationship that isn't focused on sex.
I have been in this situation before: On my second streak, I went 145 days on hard mode. At day 145 I felt like I had become so focused on sex that people had turned into objects for me again but this time without the influence of P. What I did then was to M to release sexual energy (It was also just an excuse I told myself so I could feel good in the moment). The sensation was very unsatisfactory. I thought that it would be a powerful experience after all that time but it wasn't. Directly after that I stopped having that ultra high sexual energy and I started to see things straight again. Still I wished that I hadn't done it. It put my mind in a low and uncomfortable state. I had been thinking about meeting a stranger then but after my M session I couldn't understand how the heck I had been thinking. It looked like I had done the right thing but then I had the chaser-effect. I kept M:ing for three days and then I had a full on relapse and began a month where I binged to P every day. I didn't get past 10 days after that for almost two years.

I wouldn't dare to try M:ing away my sexual energy again because it could lead to a relapse just like before. I need to do some research on how to handle my sexual energy. Maybe there is some yoga or something. I will also try to focus on other things. Developing in other ways. I will try to avoid thinking about sex and cure my loneliness with my friends instead.

Another factor that made me go to a body contact site is that I, in my horniness, suddenly have become bi-curious and I have been thinking about being used by a man. The thought have excited me. I don't think that I really want this because I'm ordinarily not attracted to men physically and when I stop being horny I find the thought to be a bit off-putting for me. I know that If I M:ed now I would suddenly lose the interest for this but as I said I'm not ready to do that. Could this be the influence of P? In the past I have escalated to that sort of material but I'm pretty sure that it isn't my natural state. Maybe it's natural to be curious but I think that It would go against the way of not objectifying people. I'm glad that I have come to my senses now even though I feel like a leaf blowing in the wind.
« Last Edit: Today at 07:39:19 AM by Emptyroom »

Rob_91

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Hey congrats on achieving 2months+
I recognize what triggers you as triggers of my own. I feel like whenever there's a woman on a screen, no matter the level of nudity, i get a bit triggered. So i've really cut down on screen time in general, bought some interesting books that i've been having a good time reading (one of them is Your brain on porn which i really recommend if you haven't already read it). Fortunately i've also got an old house to work on in my free time, which can be a great distraction from any thoughts and cravings towards porn.
Also exercise works great for me, get a free body weight exercise app for you phone and you get help with exercises you can do everywhere anytime and without having to rely on a gym being open or not.
Keep up the great work!
/Rob
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

Emptyroom

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Hey congrats on achieving 2months+
I recognize what triggers you as triggers of my own. I feel like whenever there's a woman on a screen, no matter the level of nudity, i get a bit triggered. So i've really cut down on screen time in general, bought some interesting books that i've been having a good time reading (one of them is Your brain on porn which i really recommend if you haven't already read it). Fortunately i've also got an old house to work on in my free time, which can be a great distraction from any thoughts and cravings towards porn.
Also exercise works great for me, get a free body weight exercise app for you phone and you get help with exercises you can do everywhere anytime and without having to rely on a gym being open or not.
Keep up the great work!
/Rob

Thanks Rob and thanks for the good tips! I should reduce my screen time too. I don't have a smartphone which helps me but I spend a lot of my time on the computer. I should plan out some non computer time. I could start some fun project to maybe. I also have some books on my shelf that just sit there. The hard thing for me is to get the willpower to start reading more and doing other things. I think that I will start by doing very little and then build up my habits with time.
Have a great day Rob!

Emptyroom

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Journal. day 63

I feel like a mess. I just made another tinder account. I feel so torn and uncomfortable. I feel like giving up and starting another time with this journey but I know that I'm only trying to trick myself and it's humiliating. I know that I'm not horny because I'm completely flaccid. I just crave those chemicals in my brain. It is so hard fighting with my own will. Suddenly I have just forgotten all the things that motivated me to start this journey again. It's really incredible. I know the reasons somewhere in my head and I will write them down here:
1. I want to feel those subtle feelings that I could feel as a kid again. It is possible. I have done it before.
2. I don't want to feel anxiety about a hidden secret P-life
3. I feel anxiety about escalation and it would change my real natural sexuality into something weird and out of my control.
4. I want to be a high school teacher and I don't want to be a teacher that watches P. For f*cks sake.
5. P makes me selfish
6. I want to be free from addiction. I want to have control over my own time and my own life!
7. I don't want to waste away hours every day watching P.
8. I want satisfaction from my life. P takes away my satisfaction. I know this...
9. I want to have good relationships and connect with a partner. I can't do that If I use P with her.
10. I want to grow as a person. PMO makes me stay on the same spot for years and It takes away my ability to care about it.
11. I don't want to be numb to reality. That is what happens when I use P.

More negative things about P that I would realize after a time of using it.
1. It is boring. I'm not as excited about it as I was when I was younger. It is just a bodily need at this point. I would do it on autopilot.
2. It is annoying and it takes a long time to find something That I want to O to. It really wastes a LOT of my time and energy!
3. It makes my erections really weak. So I can't enjoy real sex or give pleasure.


Who do I want to be? What is my dream scenario in life?

I will be a person that has order in life. Wakes up early. Is able to truly enjoy the small things in life and handle big problems in an adult and constructive way. I will be a healthy person that feel great in body and soul. I want to have a good relationship. I will not be focused only on myself. I will care deeply about others. I will not be focused on sex in life. Only when I'm actually having sex. I want to be a person that reads a lot and always want to learn about others and subjects that are unknown to me. I structure my time so that I can do what I want to do with my free time. I am comfortable and happy at work. I feel good about being myself and my roles in life. I have the time and energy to do projects that interests me. I will use my time to express myself for my enjoyment and to become better. I want to spend most of my life focused on others and on giving.
This could be me life. But it can't happen with P in my life. I will have to be patient in this moment for the sake of my future.

What strategies can I take now?

Hungry? Yes. I will make a sandwich,
angry? No, just annoyed at myself. I should try to forgive myself and give myself a break.
Lonely? Yes. I will have to meet someone soon. outside. Or call some people and talk.
Tired? Maybe. Yes, in ways. I should go to sleep earlier today.
Am I bored? Yes! Very! I should think of something that can make me less bored before I go to sleep!

Do I have the will to meditate today? Yes, I will do that before I go to sleep.
Do I want to take a cold shower? Yes. right after I have had my sandwich. I suddenly feel very hungry.

How would I feel after PMO?

I would feel sad about losing the streak. I would feel bad and possibly become depressed.
« Last Edit: Today at 06:58:26 PM by Emptyroom »