Author Topic: See them grow up  (Read 46856 times)

Dem

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #50 on: March 08, 2017, 08:38:13 AM »
Good luck bro. I've shared this feeling many times.
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workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #51 on: March 10, 2017, 09:20:21 AM »
Got that "Friday Feeling". The end of a good week in which I've re-established equilibrium... and a bit of what they refer to in the book "The Buddha's Brain" as equanimity. Don't seem to be experiencing extreme highs or lows and life seems to have a bit of flow about it. A low-key weekend ahead, without any obvious bumps in the road, so hopefully I'll be checking-in clean on Monday. Enjoy yur weekend, guys. Stay strong!

lyon03

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #52 on: March 14, 2017, 05:16:29 AM »
Thanks for your posts brother. So how are you today? Post an update. This forum was a huge part of me learning to live porn-free. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #53 on: March 14, 2017, 12:30:57 PM »
Tuesday evening. Haven't posted properly since last week. All relatively calm and contained here. Away from home on business but not experiencing any significant discomfort or triggers. Continuing to work-out a lot and I tried a new gym at the weekend that had a really positive, communal, vibe. I'll go back there again. Lots of socialising in the last few days, which helps get me out of my own head and is good for me. Enjoying my music too. Doing a lot of things to stay busy and energised in the real world. I have occasionally experienced pangs of desire to go back to P over the last few days. Not like a raging, gnawing, tooth-grinding, urge to relapse. Just a part of my brain reminding me of the pleasures.... maybe my chimp probing for a bit of complacency? i've been able to acknowledge it, pause and reject the option. No panic or white knuckle. Positive signs.

Back to hospital this Thursday for more surgery; a pretty big one this time, but it should be the last one. Looking forward to the challenge of the rehab.

Hoping I can stay in the current frame of mind for a while. Wishing you every strength in your own fight.

Firstbigstep

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #54 on: March 15, 2017, 06:59:53 AM »
Hi WIP,

Glad to hear you're doing well and good luck with the op.

I think you are right - there's the white knuckle ride of the first month or so, then the chimp tries to sneak under the radar. Problem is that he helped design the defences, so knows all our weak spots. Once in a while he starts to make progress, so that's when we need to shore up the defences or move the sensor.

I certainly find my biggest challenge comes from being isolated - having split up with my wife and moved to a new area, it's not easy to engage with new people. Add to that the challenges of self employment where I'm often working alone (like today!) and it is those times that my resolve weakens a bit and I have to get a grip on myself (as it were!)

Thanks to guys like yourself, I know I'm not fighting alone, however lonely I get.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #55 on: March 17, 2017, 05:38:10 AM »
Surgery last night was apparently successful. Won't try to write too much, as I'm full of morphine and cocodamol, so highly likely to write a load of old bollocks.

For me, complacency is the biggest danger. If I can keep recovery activities front of mind, I'm primed to deflect and reject triggers and withdrawal pain. And living socially is one of the best recovery choices for me. I work from home, alone, but I often go and work at Starbucks or Costa or similar, just so I get the buzz of being with other people. Is it a 12-step phrase? "Never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired"? It's a good one though. I guess that's going to be tricky for me in the next few weeks, unable to drive or travel. Will have to do a lot of video conferences instead, perhaps.

MioSr

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #56 on: March 17, 2017, 11:12:27 AM »
Work,  really glad to hear surgery is behind you and went well.

I just wanted to say thank you. You had written something on another man's post about tackling a tendency to fantasize (away from pics). That profoundly clicked with me. I'm beginning to understand how much I do that. It's one of the big reasons I keep stumbling I believe. Doing my best to understand it and move past it.

Thanks and rest well.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #57 on: March 20, 2017, 08:55:33 AM »
Hi MioSr. You're welcome. "User-generated P" was the basic fuel for my descent into P and Sex addiction over 30 years. It's still the most difficult for me to block too. Not many process steps from nought to fantasy, are there?

Monday afternoon and I'm relieved that the first, most isolated, days of post-op recovery are over, without letting myself down. That's historically been the riskiest period after previous surgeries. Things are calm currently. Calm to the point of having no sexual urges at all, which is a bit of a double-edged sword, but one I'll take for now. Plenty of time to build back healthy sexuality once I'm further away from relapse.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #58 on: March 21, 2017, 09:33:12 AM »
Tired! Still have a lot of anaesthetic and pain killers sloshing around my system. Sleeping 11-12 hours a night and struggling no to nod-off every afternoon  :-\. Feeling safe and stable though. Glad for that.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #59 on: March 22, 2017, 10:38:48 AM »
Another day of sanity ticked off. Thanks for that. As long as I don't get complacent or arrogant, I can continue to build this foundation. Just go to stay focused. Good luck to you all.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #60 on: March 28, 2017, 05:01:01 AM »
28th today, right? All stable and calm. No P withdrawal symptoms at the moment. Not really any libido at all, which is something I'll hopefully remedy in a healthy way in time. Can't help but worry that there's a lot of Coolidge Effect at play here. Nearly 30 years with just one partner. Perhaps it's asking too much to expect that relationship to be a big source of dopamine as well as Oxytocin. Hope I'm wrong.

fyg

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #61 on: March 28, 2017, 06:15:48 AM »
Glad to read that all is stable and calm workinprogressUK. I have no experience of long term relationships. For my part, I often worry if things are going to work out (like in my therapy) for the best; I think it's completely normal - there is risk involved, but also nothing to lose in trying and only things to gain - that's my humble opinion.

Keep going man! :)

Thumbs up!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #62 on: March 30, 2017, 09:33:26 AM »
Grrrr..... gnarly morning today. Work stress and strain had me triggering at things I haven't triggered at for a while. Things I didn't want to look at came repeatedly into centre view. Reminiscence from my friendly chimp that P offered a pleasant, blissed-out, alternative to all the work bullshit. Glad that I've built up enough "clean time" for the neural pathways to P to be weaker than they used to be. Glad too to have an outlet here. I think I'm through it. Grateful for another day clean. Will not be complacent.

Abc

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #63 on: March 30, 2017, 10:16:02 AM »
hang in there workinprogressUK you got this ! Its just a little test and you got this ! Have a great rest of your day.

MioSr

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #64 on: March 30, 2017, 10:29:19 AM »
WIP, big kudos for getting through that white water. SO hear you on those moments. Someone once told me that when you're trying to change something, ALL you see is that thing and it feels like it's everywhere. I do believe that in time, these cravings and urges toward the false promises of P will lessen in severity.

You're doing it. Way to go!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #65 on: April 03, 2017, 05:10:55 AM »
Thanks for your support, guys. It's really appreciated. And I think you're right, MioSr, about the things we want to change seemingly popping up everywhere  :-\!
I don't prioitise counting days, but I think I'm 80 P&M free now. Not sure that matters, but staying P&M-free today matters to me a great deal. I'm very flat and detached emotionally at the moment. No heat in my system. Can't get excited, passionate or emotional about anything. I guess it's just a case of "shit stinks". My system had far too much "heat" in it, and a hard reboot is all about extinguishing the flame, rather than just turning the thermostat down a notch. I'll fix.

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #66 on: April 03, 2017, 07:05:05 AM »
Just a quick note of encouragement - life can get a bit flat and ordinary after hyping one's system with porn induced dopamine for so long. I think we all had our systems wound up to the point where our sensitively is out of whack with the day to day stimuli of day to day life.

Stick at it - you're doing great.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

Karzam

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #67 on: April 03, 2017, 04:21:52 PM »
Hi WIP,

 Congratulations on both the surgery and no PMO - awesome work! :)

Karzam

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #68 on: April 05, 2017, 05:20:52 AM »
Thanks for the encouraging words, gentlemen.

I remember speaking to some recovering S addicts after residential group therapy I went through. One of our group asked "isn't life a little boring"? And the two guys said "in order to stay clean, I'm happy to accept boring over lies, fear and shame". My system was running pretty hot, so "ordinary" works for me! I really do need to work on those "life goals" though, so that I have something positive to get excited about. I know that's so important for longer-term success. When I've worked on them in the past, they've been really helpful, but they've always included physical and active goals, which are a little difficult right now given that I'm only just off my crutches. No more prevaricating on that though.... will get that done today.

Struggling with resentment today and still have a bloody awful lack of focus. Need to manage my obligations so that I can be a bit more assertive about the things I want to focus on.

Strength to you all today, guys. And thanks again for reading.

MarstonS

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #69 on: April 06, 2017, 03:07:12 AM »

Hey man, wanted to stop by your journal. I notice a lot of similarities.

Keep going, even when the stong inspiration lacks, the future will be much much brighter without that porn beast on our shoulders.
If you are interested, my journal can be found here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=12893.0

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #70 on: April 10, 2017, 07:12:33 AM »
Trying to surf an enjoyable weekend wave as far as possible up the beach of Monday misery. Enjoyed S with my wife and especially enjoyed being able to stay present, in the here-and-now, and really enjoy being in that moment. Only the second O since I rebooted. Both healthy. Gives me confidence for the fight ahead. I know that it reassures my wife too. I respect that her trust in me is relatively low, and the flatline behaviours I evidence in reboot bear many of the same characteristics of my behaviour in addict mode; emotional detachment, low libido, not looking after my appearance. I can see sometimes that she's looking at me suspiciously and I know that she worries about how secure she is in our relationship and whether I'm acting out again. It gives us both a lift in so many ways to be physically and emotionally intimate. That's the lesson to myself today; can't afford to get too introverted and selfish in relation to my recovery. Can't be self-conscious about showing her affection.

Could write a bunch more waffle but this strikes me as a good place to finish and go and reflect on a couple of things. Wishing you a successful day!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #71 on: April 12, 2017, 05:32:01 AM »
Wednesday. Glad of the opportunity to log-in and feel connected to kindred spirits. I've felt very tempted this morning by P. Maybe January's fear of relapse and terror of being found out has faded a little? Bunch of Cognitive Distortion this morning, with my brain whispering that "it's only a little bit of P" and somehow "I've deserved a break".
So I need to use the tactics I've learned and RUN. Once I post this, I'll log-off, Remove myself and go feed my hens (not a euphemism  :D). I'll Undistort my thinking, because there's no such thing for me as a little bit of P and if I've deserved a break, there are other ways. And I'm Never going to Forget how much damage P has done to me over the years. I'm not going back out there. Thanks for being here. Wishing you success in your own fight today.

fyg

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #72 on: April 12, 2017, 08:47:30 AM »
Hi WIP,

Sending you positive vibes wherever you're at today. I just read your backstory and a some of your posts. Your formative years sound very much like mine, as to creating neural pathways that relied on fantasy due probably to low self-esteem. My porn use did escalate back when I used to browse for many hours every day, but it didn't really go to really extreme stuff on the whole. Anyways...

I'm all about increasing self-esteem nowadays... so I'm on the same page as you there man.

Thanks for a positive post even though you have challenges today. Wishing you a good day.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Firstbigstep

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #73 on: April 15, 2017, 02:43:40 PM »
Hi guys.

Off grid for a while but still kinda hanging in.

I think many of us had self esteem isdues early in our lives.  I'm still battling mine now. Good to know I'm not alone.

Thanks everyone.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #74 on: April 19, 2017, 03:57:47 AM »
Tuesday morning. I think this is 90 days P&M free. Never set myself that target but I guess it's worth mentioning. Pleased to be clean today. Mind is messing with me. I feel very anxious and insecure. I've enjoyed what appear to be successes at work, but I just can't process them that way. Need to find some time to identify a positive lens through which to view things. Seems like the more I succeed, the more I want to destroy the success. Why am I more comfortable thinking of myself as a loser? Because I don't feel like I merit success. I've come to think that it's one of the worst forms of arrogance to set targets for myself that I'd never dream of setting for the people who work with me and for me. Maybe it's the case that if I knock myself down first, nobody else gets the chance to destroy me? When does self-effacing become self destruction? 90 days in, and with the benefit of nearly 4 years in recovery, there's still a big part of my brain that would be happy dropping back out into sex addiction and porn. That's a tough pill to swallow. Got to find a path to the positive. Onward and upward. Good luck to you today.