Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal

[SO Reboot Partner]

Okay, so it isn't the year of the Dragon, but my Chinese zodiac is the Dragon and this is going to be my year. I am claiming it as mine, but I will share it with anyone willing to take this journey.

I'm married to a pretty fantastic guy that uses PMO to the extent he cannot share himself. When he's on PMO, he's indifferent, disconnected. He is careless with his words, his criticisms, my heart.

He made it several months successfully away from PMO. I was in heaven, maybe a little too proud of myself for "fixing it". Maybe this is the price of pride.

This week I found a huge stash of P and deleted it. He's been "pushing rope" and using again for the past few months.

We are back at ground zero.

I feel like an idiot, but an idiot that can learn from her mistakes. I'll post the whole story in a few days. Right now I'm just dealing with it.

[lte]

Okay, so it isn't the year of the Dragon, but my Chinese zodiac is the Dragon and this is going to be my year. I am claiming it as mine, but I will share it with anyone willing to take this journey.

I'm married to a pretty fantastic guy that uses PMO to the extent he cannot share himself. When he's on PMO, he's indifferent, disconnected. He is careless with his words, his criticisms, my heart.

He made it several months successfully away from PMO. I was in heaven, maybe a little too proud of myself for "fixing it". Maybe this is the price of pride.

This week I found a huge stash of P and deleted it. He's been "pushing rope" and using again for the past few months.

We are back at ground zero.

I feel like an idiot, but an idiot that can learn from her mistakes. I'll post the whole story in a few days. Right now I'm just dealing with it.

Giving up porn addiction is not easy. Hopefully he'll come to see that the porn free life is more satisfying.

[Jverhoye]

How awesome that you are willing to share your story!  I truly believe that so many partners are yearning to be heard themselves.  Good luck to you and your partner.  He is lucky to have you in his life.  I look forward to seeing your future posts.

[SO Reboot Partner]

Big thank you to Jverhoye and LTE, your support means a lot. I need friends that understand right now.

Just to catch everyone up on the situation, I was at rock bottom sometime in July, last summer. I caught my husband PMO "in the act" as they say. Our marriage was running on fumes, sexless for over seven years. I had no idea it was PIED. I didn't know about P-addiction. He didn't either.

I was done, exhausted, fried, frazzled and finished. I was ashamed, degraded and angry. I had made myself physically ill and depressed over this mess. My family suffered. He wasn't talking about us as a couple or even the kids in the future tense anymore. The day I "caught" him I told him I wanted to leave if the disconnection didn't get addressed soon. I still could only see the symptoms, but had no idea what the source of the problem was.

Then I found YBOP.

Finding a problem definition, a solution, a path forward - I don't really have the words to describe how comforting it was to discover my husband was a p-addict. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but I had already wallowed in self-pity and self-blame. I was prepared to walk away from that and run like I was on fire to something better.

I was very enthusiastic that we had a possible "cure".

I gobbled up everything from YBOP. I was nodding in agreement and speed reading everything. I  quizzed him on his PMO history, plotting the best path to recovery. I practiced what I thought was support. I forgave him everything "before" this revelation - I wiped the slate. He didn't have to make up or repent his sins to me, he just had to sin no more.

We were back in the sack and the good times were rolling. The kids were responding to the better, happier parents. My skin was clear! My aches and pains disappeared. I smiled more.

I will admit, I felt a little proud of myself for his recovery.

In the meantime, his work life was changing and we opened our own business. The stress was pretty high and he had no skills to deal with them. He started binge PMO again. The lying started again. I could see he was using in his eyes. Nothing was going on in the bedroom. He began being condescending and critical.

I found a huge P stash on his work computer this week while he was out of the office for a few hours. He asked me to fix his computer, so it wasn't like I was really looking for it.  Disgusting stuff. I will admit I cried, then I just deleted it, locked up the office and left one of the un-deleted videos up and running in a loop on his screen. (it had been downloaded the previous weekend)

Did I mention I'm working in the office without pay? I think this is clear evidence that I am an idiot.

I really considered packing it up, leave him and the P to each other. What stopped me was the fact he needs me to succeed right now and that would impact the future of our kids. So after driving around, furious with myself for being so stupid, I went back.

We are now in round two of the reboot.

I know I've rallied on a bit here about my own intelligence, but it is more hyperbole than low self-esteem. I like myself and I don't blame me for his relapse. But! I have made mistakes that realistically are only going to secure success in the future if I can learn from them and not just give up.

I'll make a list of what I did wrong and how I'm going to do it right in my next entry. I might even have something to report in the way of results. For now, I'm tired.

Thanks to anyone willing to read this mish-mash and make sense of it.

[STR]

My wife didn't know about my PMO addiction. If I try to think of something she could have done to help me break the addiction if she had known about it, I'm not sure she really could have done anything. I had to want to break it myself. It sounds to me as if your husband has not been 100% committed to breaking his addiction.

Does your husband know about YBR (or this site)? Has he started a journal? If not, you might want to suggest it to him. If he's not willing to to do so, then I would question his overall commitment to your marriage and to breaking his addiction.

[SO Reboot Partner]

My wife didn't know about my PMO addiction. If I try to think of something she could have done to help me break the addiction if she had known about it, I'm not sure she really could have done anything. I had to want to break it myself. It sounds to me as if your husband has not been 100% committed to breaking his addiction.

Does your husband know about YBR (or this site)? Has he started a journal? If not, you might want to suggest it to him. If he's not willing to to do so, then I would question his overall commitment to your marriage and to breaking his addiction.

You are right on track there, he was not 100% committed. I think we have at least more commitment this second go around.

We had a very blunt conversation about this and he admitted he was going through the motions to make me happy, but he really just used P "to relax."

Now the first time around I would have left that comment right there, but my second time around viewpoint is a lot less patient.

My response was basically "What is relaxing about a broken penis and an empty bed?"

I've also made it clear that if he decides that he would rather PMO, I will respect that but I have decisions too. I mean this. I'm not going back to being a Pwidow. I can't love me less than I love him. It just isn't possible.

He has identified his triggers and is encouraging me to be with him on the weekends in the office until he can break the habit and control himself.

Edit - Yes, he knows about the forum, knows I post here. I'm encouraging complete honesty. It would be great to have his input here, every "story" involving a couple is only 50% of the picture.

[Jverhoye]

All I can say is "Wow"!  You are so courageous!  I can only speak about my experiences, but for me it was my "rock bottom" moment that moved me to finally get help.  Yes, I had to be totally invested and do it for me.  I also had my wife ask me to move out, and my kids told me, to my face, they had lost all respect for me.  Three years later I am in recovery, have amazing relationships with my wife and kids, and am part of an after-care support group that helps me stay accountable and porn- free.  Ultimately, in treatment and therapy I was able to work through my core problems that we're fueling my Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB).  I admire your supportiveness and pray that your husband will commit to his recovery with his whole heart and mind.

[SO Reboot Partner]

All I can say is "Wow"!  You are so courageous!  I can only speak about my experiences, but for me it was my "rock bottom" moment that moved me to finally get help.  Yes, I had to be totally invested and do it for me.  I also had my wife ask me to move out, and my kids told me, to my face, they had lost all respect for me.  Three years later I am in recovery, have amazing relationships with my wife and kids, and am part of an after-care support group that helps me stay accountable and porn- free.  Ultimately, in treatment and therapy I was able to work through my core problems that we're fueling my Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB).  I admire your supportiveness and pray that your husband will commit to his recovery with his whole heart and mind.

Thank you very much for giving me a shred of hope. I really like that word "recovery".

It sounds like both you and SlavetoRighteousness are real fire walkers when it comes to navigating this journey.

It has to be his decision to seek help and recovery companionship. Another of my revelations in the second round is that I can't do it all. He's got to have the volition and humility to ask for help, not just get caught and hope I fix it instead of get mad and leave. I'm doing my best to get this message across.

[lte]

It ends up on his shoulders. In nearly 450 days I have reduced it to one expression, you can have real sex in your life or you can have make believe sex in your life but you can't have both. Which would you prefer?

[SO Reboot Partner]

So what is different about this time?

Okay, so I’ve had a couple of days to really parse out an answer to that question.  The thing is we are in a radically different place than we were during the first reboot. My confidence is healthier. He knows the reboot, avoiding all PMO, makes the ED go away, allows him to feel connected. We are not in a “wait and see” state of mind.

We both understand the reboot works and that positive results are there for those that have the tenacity and intent to rewire and reconnect.

Is the commitment for change there?

My commitment to change is 100%. I will not live in a sexless marriage of disconnection. I am a living person that needs to be loved. I also need to love to thrive and grow. There will be change, because I will make decisions and will take action. (I feel like shouting “Can I get a witness?”)

He tells me his commitment to change is 100%. He’s made a list of things that he tells me he needs to succeed. (Instead of me running the show like last time, I’ve tossed the ball in his court for what he needs in the way of support.)

His list includes – leaving work on time, an accountability program on his computer, both of us going to bed together – every night and at a minimum cuddling, HONESTY and really connecting with each other every day.

He says he can’t be in charge of avoiding O if we do karezza because in his words, he can’t be trusted.

I think the fact his triggers are surrounded around work, combined with the fact I now work with him, will make a huge difference or be a horrible failure.

How can I trust him? Can I trust myself?

I felt like a complete rube when I found that giant stash of trash on his computer. I won’t lie, I was furious at myself for trusting him.

My trust is in crisis mode. It is main reason I need to journal and really appreciate the feedback from those that have lived through this journey.

I think the first time down the reboot path I was so desperate and so afraid he would just give up that I did everything to hack and rewire his broken reward system. He took me and what I offered for granted.

I think I helped so much I made his brief recovery, the first go around, seem easy. Can I trust myself to not repeat this mistake? He has identified his accountability point, what is mine?

[lte]

That's a tough question. Your accountability is, first and foremost, to,yourself. You deserve a good life but you have to be realistic, every life has shortcomings, yours will too. Just don't take a path that will lead you to an endless cycle of disappointment. You need to drive a stake in the ground and not allow yourself to be pushed beyond the point you deem to be too much compromise on your part.

[Gracie]

SO I think the hard part is turning it all over to them.  Because then we have to trust them.  Trust that they think our marriage is worth it.  Trust them after we have just found out they stomped all over our trust.  Trust that they want to change.  Trust that they are being truthful now.  I kept hearing this is the truth and then some little thing we get added.  It was testing me I guess.  I was like good god just spit it all out, let my wound only be ripped open once!  But as he discovered more, the wound would either open and bleed or open and seep.  So difficult to stay focused.  So I became depressed. 

Anyway, we had the go to bed at same time rule and no getting up in the night.  Only bathroom.  If we couldn[t sleep, we turned on bedside light and read.  He got up one time and I had a fit.  Slept on the couch like in the porn past.  I woke him up.  He said see remote is over there.  I said you just put it there when ready to sleep.  No more....you must be in bed all night.  That gave me the most security.  Funny how it is just some things that are not negotiable.

[SO Reboot Partner]

SO I think the hard part is turning it all over to them.  Because then we have to trust them.  Trust that they think our marriage is worth it.  Trust them after we have just found out they stomped all over our trust.  Trust that they want to change.  Trust that they are being truthful now.  I kept hearing this is the truth and then some little thing we get added.  It was testing me I guess.  I was like good god just spit it all out, let my wound only be ripped open once!  But as he discovered more, the wound would either open and bleed or open and seep.  So difficult to stay focused.  So I became depressed. 

Anyway, we had the go to bed at same time rule and no getting up in the night.  Only bathroom.  If we couldn[t sleep, we turned on bedside light and read.  He got up one time and I had a fit.  Slept on the couch like in the porn past.  I woke him up.  He said see remote is over there.  I said you just put it there when ready to sleep.  No more....you must be in bed all night.  That gave me the most security.  Funny how it is just some things that are not negotiable.

I'm so sorry you went through all that, Gracie, but I have to say you set boundaries like a BOSS! We can't throw fits all the time. Choosing what is important is really key. You did this really well. Staying the night in bed together is part of it.

Unfortunately, in my situation I'm the one that wanders out of the bedroom in the middle of the night. He never sleeps on the couch. My head has been in analysis mode and won't shut down. Also I cried a lot over the past sever years, so the bedroom isn't my favorite place. I've redecorated and it still hard sometimes. It has been six months since I woke up crying (I did this almost every day), but it is still hard to stay in bed.

[Gracie]

I understand about the bed thing.  There were times I did not want to be there either as we have a tv in the bedroom and he would watch on it when I was away.  It felt like "they" were in the room.  We now never have the tv on in the bedroom. 

I needed those things to be that way.  I needed us to have a routine to make me feel secure again even if we were struggling.  We had night time hugs and kisses and full body hugs.  Sometimes they were in enjoyable, sometimes they were part of the routine.  But, we did these things everyday.  We are able to come home for lunch and so we did that as well.  And we would talk and talk and talk.  Mostly me.  And I did research and looking for help all the time.  But the routine, no matter what was the biggest help to me.  I basically told him it has to be this way, or it won't work.  I did know what I needed somewhat to get from one day to the next.

I was not prepared for the dislike that he seemed to have.  There were no jokes or anything like that.  He would be angry very angry about the whole thing.  And then he began to hear me.  I even kept a journal with me to write in when I was frustrated during the day.  Several entries say, "he finally gets what I am saying."  It took an entire year before he really got it.  But now, it is easier.

I feel for you having this come back for a second go round.  I know this has to be tough.  Just know that there are people here that do care and we are great listeners.  Sorry this is so long.

[SO Reboot Partner]

Depression. Let's talk about that for a moment.

First, I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure I've experienced it and I'm working my way through it.

Depression is a funny word, because it sounds like a deep sea diver process for surfacing, but in reality it is like being at the bottom of the ocean. It is cold, dark and very lonely, except for the hagfish gnawing on a carcass. Hagfish are poor company, unless one is an abstract thinker.

I've been trying to depressurize, lighten the load, find more joy. I haven't broke the surface yet, but I can see daylight and the bubbles.

I don't know how I ended up on the ocean floor. I could say it was the slow death of intimacy, but it also because I jumped headfirst into it. I have to swim to the surface.

I need sunshine on my face, to love and be loved for who I am. I don't have the gills to live underwater.

We are sticking to the plan. Working on the marriage, loving, respect and connection.

[lte]

I've fought it all of my life. Amazingly, since stopping PMO I'm much, much better.

[Jverhoye]

You said something in a previous post about "not being able to do it all."  Sadly that is the message most women get when they grow up.  You have to do it all, be everything to everyone.  If there is one thing I've tried to convey to my wife during my recovery is that she doesn't have to try to do it all.  Nobody is capable of that anyway, and having that unrealistic expectation often leads to Depression and Disillusionment.  So, shifting that and giving yourself permission to be "enough" can be very helpful.  Also, the tendency for partners sometimes is to get lost in the shuffle because it's "his issue."  But it's important for SOs to continue to express their feelings and their needs.  Best of luck!

[SO Reboot Partner]

You said something in a previous post about "not being able to do it all."  Sadly that is the message most women get when they grow up.  You have to do it all, be everything to everyone.  If there is one thing I've tried to convey to my wife during my recovery is that she doesn't have to try to do it all.  Nobody is capable of that anyway, and having that unrealistic expectation often leads to Depression and Disillusionment.  So, shifting that and giving yourself permission to be "enough" can be very helpful.  Also, the tendency for partners sometimes is to get lost in the shuffle because it's "his issue."  But it's important for SOs to continue to express their feelings and their needs.  Best of luck!

I am more than enough. And here's the thing, when I was depressed I would have the most profound, deep feelings of worthlessness. Then a little voice inside would say something like I was too much of a narcissist to have that kind of thought. Seriously, I don't think I'm really even good at being depressed, it was too confusing. I know for a fact that I am strong, but this PMO thing just about broke me.

I am feeling much, much better. Even this latest stash thing, while it knocked the wind out of me, didn't put me on the ground.

[Viper]

Just to catch everyone up on the situation, I was at rock bottom sometime in July, last summer. I caught my husband PMO "in the act" as they say. Our marriage was running on fumes, sexless for over seven years. I had no idea it was PIED. I didn't know about P-addiction. He didn't either.

Welcome-
I will confess that I did not read your entire post because I could not wrap my head around your first paragraph.
A married couple with 7 years of no sex. Wow, I feel for you and this brings a new meaning to the marriage vow "for better or for worse"
I have to ask though if you don't mind, what is the age range of your husband?

[SO Reboot Partner]

Just to catch everyone up on the situation, I was at rock bottom sometime in July, last summer. I caught my husband PMO "in the act" as they say. Our marriage was running on fumes, sexless for over seven years. I had no idea it was PIED. I didn't know about P-addiction. He didn't either.

Welcome-
I will confess that I did not read your entire post because I could not wrap my head around your first paragraph.
A married couple with 7 years of no sex. Wow, I feel for you and this brings a new meaning to the marriage vow "for better or for worse"
I have to ask though if you don't mind, what is the age range of your husband?

He's 47, sliding into 48.
We haven't always been this way. Also, during that seven years, we both worked very hard on our careers.
We've been together since undergrad.

[Viper]

He's 47, sliding into 48.
We haven't always been this way. Also, during that seven years, we both worked very hard on our careers.
We've been together since undergrad.

Ok, so based on that, sounds like you were both ok
with not having sex.
I know someone close to me who is in a marriage like that. They really don't have sex and
they're ok with that until she gets mad at him. Then she'll bring up how they don't have
sex. So I'm always confused.
I think you came to the right place to confide and find the information to learn more
about what's going on. Because this is affecting more men than we think and the mainstream
media has not picked up on it.

[Kaybee]

I've just read your experience, and I am so impressed with you. Your husband is lucky to have a woman like you who is willing to stick by him and love him and encourage him to be a better man. Keep it up!   

[SO Reboot Partner]

I've just read your experience, and I am so impressed with you. Your husband is lucky to have a woman like you who is willing to stick by him and love him and encourage him to be a better man. Keep it up! 

I'm impressed with anyone willing to take on the honesty required to reboot.

[SO Reboot Partner]

Ok, I've been very busy. Sometimes busy is code for something else, but in this instance it means I haven't made the time to journal because I've been doing something else.

We continue to grow the business with some success.

He is very adamant that he will more fully explore the reboot. He's flatlining now, no libido. While I think this was concerning the time around, this time he understands that he is healing.

[lte]

Ok, I've been very busy. Sometimes busy is code for something else, but in this instance it means I haven't made the time to journal because I've been doing something else.

We continue to grow the business with some success.

He is very adamant that he will more fully explore the reboot. He's flatlining now, no libido. While I think this was concerning the time around, this time he understands that he is healing.

It sounds like he is taking responsibility for himself. That has to be a good thing,