1
I lapsed On Tuesday, April 13, 2021.
It was to MO when I was out of town for a 2nd innoculation. There was no P, and so no PMO. This is itself a miracle given my then mindset, that despite being alone in a hotel room, that I hadn't seen any nudity. There was 1 scene on T.V. that was very racey, and I could tell where it might have gone, and so changed the channel. My heart was racing, and I did some deep breathing exercises. However, I should have turned off the T.V. I wasn't overtly looking for stuff, happy to watch whatever interested me, but if I saw something sensual, I might've been okay with that...
Yes, there were p-subs involved and edging.
No deep analysis is needed on the fall itself, there were typical emotional cues: my wife was angry with me, even while I was travelling, and that for my health no less! This made me feel very lonely, though I did my best to entertain myself innocently enough (rum and pomegranate juice!). But I think that not enough vigilance was acted on, and I think I wanted to medicate what I was feeling internally. This is no excuse, but an acknowledgement that I have better, more spiritual ways of dealing with this- and I did pray, and that initially helped me fall asleep, at least until I woke up again 2 hours later...
Going forward...
Well, I violated my 30 day probationary period which spanned from 3/25/21 set to end on April 24, 2021. This was -12 days earlier. After which, I wuold have simply went on without counting days.
So, this automatically activates a new abstinence challenge, this time being 90 days in duration. A new training period, if you will.
During this time, I will seek, not only to abstain from P, PMO, MO, p-subs and edging, but to also learn whatever lessons I failed to learn during my successful 120 abstinence challenge. Whether these lessons are logistical, emotional and/or spiritual.
In the bigger picture, in the last 160 days (counting from 11/6/21), I've only lapsed 2x. This is a percentage of 1.25% (only 1 of those days involving actual P)!
So while I hate to have to count days again, there's a deeper reason why this would still be an issue in my life. Dealing with habit change only clears the table for a closer and deeper analysis, which I intend to pursue, to once and for all put a wooden stake in the heart of this vampire.
2
Congrats on 90 days, jixu!
3
« Last post by Redalc on Today at 09:50:17 AM »
Didn’t get to post last night. For some reason the forum would not load. Anyhow. Yesterday was good. Work kept me busy. The biggest struggle is coming home at night, it’s like I’m ready for work to be done and to go home, yet when I get home I’m just depressed and exhausted and can’t hardly do anything productive. So I feel like I’m just living and the days are just going past. I want to be used but I’m struggling with pushing past anxiety and low self esteem and being scared I’m gonna relapse. I should probably read up and watch videos on PMO induced issues and get my brain reaware of the dangers and problems it causes, might help me reinforce my zeal to overcome cause right now I feel like I’m just floating by, and I want to consciously fight it always.
Anyhow.
Day 52 is done.
4
« Last post by Redalc on Today at 09:45:09 AM »
Hey, I’m sorry it’s such a struggle man. I completely understand what you are going through. Those two different sides fighting against each other inside of us. Keep fighting, but keep feeding the side that is good and right. You know it to be good, and so I know it’s hard but just keep focusing on doing things that are right and uplifting and encouraging so you can grow the resolve of the side within you that wants to push back against the evil of PMO. I’m praying for you. Take it a day at a time, keep anticipating the triggers and struggles and just try and do anything different to get away from them. I hope I can be some encouragement to ya.
5
Good evening
So I wanna share a story from tonight.
So I was just on my third date with an amazing and good looking young girl, where I escalated to sex. When I was grinding on her with clothes on, I was getting a half erection, but when we both had our clothes off and I was finished fingering her, it wasen't possible for me to get hard and penetrate her. This left me with such shame and sadness because I like this girl so much and I really want to be able to fuck her. I was sexually turned on when I was escalating with clothes on, but it was as if I lost that excitement when we got undressed and were about to have sex.
I have a long and severe porn addiction, which I started when I was 12 years old. I know for a fact it's porn because I can have rock hard erections when looking at porn, but can't when i'm laying naked next to a beautiful girl. I have abstained from porn for roughly 30 days now and plan to continue FOREVER. Porn has fucked with my life and have turned down multiple young and beautiful women because of PIED.
My question is, how long will it take me to reach a state where I can have a NORMAL fucking life? Is there anyone else who have experienced this and felt like a fucking piece of shit like I am right now? Someone give me hope
Mads
hey man, been there many times, I know exactly how you feel. Fucking shameful and just awful situation; when that happened to me, oftentimes I felt like less of a man. One suggestion: have you told that girl about your porn addiction? Being open about it can be very helpful for both her and yourself; if you haven't done that, I suggest you give it a try. Besides that, having found out about your problem and dedicating yourself to overcoming it is the first and most important step on this path. Much luck to you, you got this!
6
It started suddenly when on June 8 2020, I went to PMO session and suddenly I could not get even a little erection, Prior to that I have never had any issue with erections and seriously I never monitored by Morning Wood as I did not cared about it. The next day though I had some morning wood but my Penis was shrunk completely and did not responded anyway.
After that day I decided to leave porn forever, but it was not easy, I also found that I was unable to Masturbate without porn by myself, (most of the time), so I would try to get an erection then fail in it and then go to porn( where I could get erection ), I was unable to get hard to pics most of the time so I relapsed many times at that until in October i got a fracture and had to go for a surgery, so after October 19 I haven't looked at porn. So I have been porn free for effectively more than 3 months.
Fast forward today, I am able to get erection by just my hand without any thinking which is good , but problem is I cant get hard after I have masturbated for some days ( I masturbate once per week now with no problem ), so effectively I have to wait for a at least week to get back to get hard by touch ( I am pretty sure if i Watch porn now ever after ejaculation I would be able to get hard again but I would never do that )
I mean I don't want to masturbate so often but I Worry if I would be able to have consistent sex when I break my Virginity whenever my partner wants it. Btw I Have never been intimate with a real woman.
Another Problem is that I am not getting regular morning woods, I get some kind of MW but its too weak to be called as a morning wood and they often disappear after orgasm day.
Also my Libido is not good and most of the time its low, I takes time to build up and soon after ejaculation it goes to level zero, Though I haven't flatlined that bad with penis shrunk completely since I have left Porn but still once i a while it gets shrinked. Also I am getting these weird symptoms like suddenly my heart starts to do thumping really hard, I also feel palpitations that make it really hard to sleep and rest is that a kind of withdrawal symptom ( anybody ??).
I am fit, and working out since I was 19, not fat but lean, I do HIITs pretty intense, ( doc told me this cannot be low T problem and did not ordered the test, He just told me by looking how i Look, lean, and full of beard ).
Any body like me.
Also I have doubts about the reboot I my mind that will I ever be 100% cured or not, or would I would have to depend on it always to get glimpse of erection once in a while.
Hey dude - fellow rebooter here. I have been PMO free since over a year now, but recovery is definitely not over yet. Firstly, regarding those heart palpitations, I would suggest to get a check up from the doctor, an EKG. I had sth similar a couple of months ago, think it was just anxiety to sleep (overthinking noises, I am a sensitive sleeper). Having the feeling of a shriveled penis etc is quite normal I think, but not easy to deal with nonetheless. I can also relate to you worrying about being able to perform consistently when with a partner, but I think as a healthy guy after aforementioned abstention of PMO and MO you should be able to get there, that's also what I am hoping for. How are your energy levels? Are you active, doing a lot of sports etc? Good luck man and trust the process. You can beat this shit!!
7
How long since you quit porn brother?
Good question Yogi! Wanted to ask you the same question. What you described about feeling turned on but still not having a nervous response in your dick / not getting it up is definitely sth I can relate to. It feels very weird since you feel receptive but there's no adequate response. Keep trying to rewire with your partner, maybe by using KAREZZA? Good luck to you, keep us updated 
8
@Tillburg, I get that you don't want to lose her, I have been in similar situations were girls (although not my gfs) did not understand the severety of porn addiction or chose to not be with me due to me not being able to get it up for sex after a couple of dates. I hope none of that happens to you and that she will be supportive and understanding. It takes as long as it takes, and if she cares about you deeply then she will hopefully be patient.
Congrats to two months clean btw, that's a big accomplishment already. Give it time, you got this man!
Cheers
9
hey man, you got this!
flatlines can be scary AF but don't let it fool you. I myself feel like I am in some kind of a weird flatline since a couple of months, but I have a feeling that things are gonna look up. Stay optimistic, keep yourself busy and get out of your comfort zone in any way you can. You can do this.
Furthermore, and this might seem hard to actually do, don't overestimate your emotions. If you don't feel good for a couple of days, even weeks, try not to overanalyze. It will pass!
10
DAY 0
The short explanation is: I am back to misery.
The long explanation is this:
One or two mistakes is all I need to be thrown off the cliff.
I fought harder than ever in my life and I beat my 21 days record. I made it to 25 days and everything was going great... until I decided to masturbate without porn, thinking that this would lower my urges. But because of the obsessive nature of my mind, that threw me off. It ruined my "perfect" streak. In my mind, "it set me back". But everything was going to be fine. I had the potential to continue until... I made the first big mistake: I decided to drink.
I've been battling an alcohol addiction for years. As a slave of comfort/self-medication that I am, I became addicted to alcohol very easily. In the past, I never had great success with alcohol. My best was 46 days.
At the end of January this year I made the decision to try hard to quit alcohol. Everything was going well but then I couldn't avoid going to a meeting with the bosses and co-workers. I drank some beer but it was enough to sabotage myself. I thought I could handle it but there is no "handling" when it comes to addictions. That small drinking session left me frustrated, because I didn't drink enough, and I started making plans to have one day where I could get drunk, have fun and then be done with alcohol. Of course, typical addict rationalizing. "One last time and then I'll quit." I convinced myself (or rather my alcohol addiction convinced me) that I could handle one day of drinking without a porn relapse (long history of porn relapses caused by alcohol). On Day 26, after the masturbation session on Day 25, I drank and then I binged porn all day. I drained myself and I reset myself.
I wanted to start over again, saying that I had proven to myself I could exceed my limits but then I decided to get drunk again and I binged porn again. And thanks to this, I'm back to misery, the greatest place in my world, because this is all I know. This is all I've known all my life. I've been a slave to self-medication and comfort. A slave to addictions with a weak mind. 23 years of self-medication. I have to thank myself for making the same mistakes over and over again because, in the end...it's my choice. I am addicted by it's still my choice. I am not 100% my thoughts and desires.
What's next? There are two options: One leads to my freedom and finally seeing whether my exacerbated general and social anxiety are the products of porn addiction or not. And whether the mental chaos, rumination and obsessive thinking are the product of the said porn addiction. The other one keeps me a slave and not knowing for sure if the problems mentioned earlier are because of porn addiction. And wasting my life like this. I have many things that I want (or rather need very much) to do but I don't start them because of my crazy social anxiety.
I probably won't come too often around here anymore. I want to keep my mind away from thinking too much about porn and porn rebooting because thinking about porn rebooting is thinking about porn in a way.
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is what? The definition of insanity? I would say it's the definition of wasting my life.
|
Recent Posts