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Messages - SadSie

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Long story short i’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years and we have been close friends for 7. All the way back in the first months of us dating was the first time I found pictures of a girl I went to school with in a bikini pulled up on his computer.. my 16 year old brain was very sad for a while but I just chalked it up to “boys being boys.” around the 3 year point all intimacy basically was halted.. we didn’t have much sex and when we did he would have a hard time keeping it up, back then he just told me he was getting “too hot” or just “couldn’t focus” which always left me very sad and confused at what I could have been doing wrong or if he just didn’t care for me or find me attractive anymore. I lived in this world for years.. wondering what happened to the love I once knew.  :'( About 3 months ago is when I made the discovery that lead to finding out about his porn addiction.. I wanted to show him something on instagram so he let me have his phone to do it and on the search history was girls I knew from high school.. girls that post very sexy pictures all the time. I instantly knew why he has been looking at their pages. I looked at him and said “wow this is really nice.”  The first thing he did was try to deflect and tell me it’s my fault for not letting him delete social media.. and that I knew he had a problem..

After that is when he opened up to me about his problem, I was happy about this because he said he wanted to get better and wanted to give this stuff up once and for all and how much it’s messed with his and now our lives. Being that I love him so much I agreed to stay and help him recovery and heal but the one thing I wanted was honesty. I did my research and I knew relapses would happen but I just wanted him to tell me so that 1) I could feel like I could trust him 2) so that I didn’t feel the need to snoop because I HATE it 3) so I could be there for him...

Well that didn’t go to well.. I had very intense bad feelings he had been doing it again and both times I had these feelings I went and checked and I was right. Both times I pulled him aside and asked him if he relapsed and both times he looked me in my eyes and said no multiple times, it wasn’t until I told him I knew he did that he would tell me.

What on earth could hurt worse than the love of your life looking at pictures of girls you know? real life people who you see at walmart and live in your town? nothing so I thought.. but now I know what could.. having someone you trusted with every fiber of your being lie to your face.

we have been on and off the last few months as this has all been going on but neither of us want to be apart.. we love each other so much. I feel like if I just walk away from this I won’t actually heal from any of this on top of losing the person I love more than anyone.

He seems like he is finally taking accountability for the betrayal trauma he has caused me.. he has been looking into it and the other night I got my first real apology about what he put me through.. He has treated me a lot better this past two days since being very loving and kind and checking in with how i’m feeling which i really appreciate. he vows to really try to recover this time and that he will be open and honest with me..

this all sounds great right? it is.. but i’m so damaged at this point I don’t even know how to think.. i’m worried he will always lie to me.. and the sad fact is it’s going to take him relapsing and (hopefully) telling me before I feel like I can even start to trust him again.

We both think it’s smart of him to do a reboot.. I’ve been doing a ton of research on porn addiction and my rational mind gets it all but i’m just so upset.. i’ve been deprived of sex with the person I love for years.. and now to help him get better I have to keep living like this only on top on no sex i’m a broken mess of the person I was and every second of my life is emotional paranoid hell. I love my boyfriend more than anyone but i’m just sad and hurt because i’m having to suffer enormously because of a issue that’s not even mine.. how do I cope with this? what can I do?  :'(

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