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Messages - Rookie

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201
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 26, 2019, 04:19:14 PM »
Day 4 of yet another reboot. So far been going strong and busy with activities away from my computer. Just incredibly tired and frustrated with all the porn can deliver (deceivingly, and all false love and we know the rest of it), but as I read in someone else's post, everything is right there, and a fantasy and based on one's taste, there is a woman built for exactly what you're looking for.

As suggested by some other members, I will bring it up with my wife. I will however, have to see my psychologist a couple of times, to see how I can bring it up, and how to deal with the backlash.

I agree with the previous posts, that it's not fair to her if she doesn't know the struggle, however, for now, I can't even bring up finances without causing her an anxiety attack, or even ask her what is for supper. Her anxiety is so fragile currently, I do everything so she can relax.

202
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 24, 2019, 02:17:51 PM »
Just a quick question here, how many folks here, do your partners know about your addiction and have their support, and how many are doing this in secret due to embarrassment, or as with my wife and I, both myself, embarrassed and my wife has huge, huge insecurities (though I keep telling her, for a woman in her 40's, she looks and is built like she just crawled in her 20's...)

203
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 24, 2019, 12:41:52 PM »
Well last week was tough. Not sure what was going through my mind, except someone struggling with an addiction, craving and craving.
I'm on day 2 of another reboot. And I have to say, yesterday and today, I have kept so busy that I'm not even remotely interested.
My wife on the other hand, has been less than supportive in anything I'm trying to do. When helping her with her own issues (depression, body dysmorphia, work, dogs, her parents coming here in a couple of months from about 2000 km away and the list goes on) I completely lose track of my own issues. I can't tell her about my addiction, that would send her over the edge (either suicide, divorce, or whatever).

Unfortunately, this forum is my only escape. It's too embarrassing to bring up with anyone in my circle of Christian brothers and sisters, and of my non Christian circle, the only support I have is "well, it's better than cheating"...which on this board, we know is a lie.

I'm halfway to a depression myself, money is tight, she wants to fix up and paint a few things (we have the money, but it's coming out of the emergency fund she doesn't know we have, since she's a huge spender) before her parents get here.

Sorry for ranting on non PMO related things, I just have no one else to talk to. Everyone locally, friends and family are biased, either toward her (they don't realize how much I do around here) or they are biased with me (they think I do too much for her).

If you're still reading, I'll end now for today.

Cheers and hopefully I get to the end of today, with no PMO at all.

204
Ages 40 and up / Re: Struggling...
« on: March 23, 2019, 03:49:51 PM »
Tell me about the struggle, I went 9 days straight a couple of weeks ago, and then haven't gone more than 3 days since. The struggle is real.
I spend way too much time at home alone, I have to find past times that are outside the house.

I am not, however, giving up. I remember the days before the internet. Life was so full of activities, and things getting done, this has made me so lazy....

205
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 18, 2019, 05:23:00 PM »
Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. For 2 days I have been in agonizing guilt...but with your comments, and encouragement, I now see it as progress.

Thanks for following up on my posts. You have no idea how much it means.

206
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 18, 2019, 05:02:49 AM »
Well, spoke too soon. Had a few triggers, and this weekend was a total crash and burn. On the positive, I can't remember the last time I had a 9 day stretch without PMO. Today is a fresh start, and plan on making it much longer than 9 days. My in-laws are supposedly visiting us from a few thousand kilometers, and the wife has a list of things for me to do. Hopefully this list will keep me busy.

Then, I plan on joining the gym again, as well as martial arts. Wife may not like that I'm out of the house often, and I wish I could tell her what is going on. But she's dealing with her own demons right now, with depression and bipolar. I'm just hoping to exhaust myself so much, that when I am home, I'm too tired to view anything, and when it's an off night of activities, my wife will have some sort of affection drive for me.

That's been the toughest, being a guy in this world, with women wearing spandex and whatever else, summer coming....I wish I could live in a camp without internet.

207
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 15, 2019, 08:31:49 PM »
Well this evening was a tough one. Work was great, did groceries and came home wanting to relax. Moment of weakness, slipped in P for about 10 minutes and just couldn't walk away. Thankfully, the very small streak I have of no MO,I held strong to keep that streak going.
Being home alone, when wife is working, most definitely not recommended.

Hopefully I can keep the MO streak going, but now is where I have not been before, I have not gone 9 days without PMO in about 15 yrs that I can remember. I may have gone longer, but it was only a handful of times. I lost the battle with P, but still strong with the other 2.

208
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 13, 2019, 04:16:50 PM »
Finally made it to day 7 without PMO, surprisingly, not much for temptation. The struggle will start to get worse as time goes on I'm sure. But for now, it has been a half decent week.

The big progress I have noticed already, less objectifying of women. Not visualizing them nude as I did in the past. Hopefully this gets even better with time.

209
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 10, 2019, 11:49:00 AM »
Last week was tough, a couple of slip ups. Wife was away on a business trip for 3 days, and that didn't help at all. So today, 4 days without PMO. Her emotions are all over the place and she's addicted to her phone. So I get barely any attention or affection. I'm hoping staying out of her way for a little bit, will calm her down, and me only coming online to either watch my hockey games, emails, this forum and a quick check on FB, then get out of the computer room.

Her not giving me attention (due to her phone addiction and her meds) might be the help that I need.

I have to say again, you don't realize how addicted you are, till you try to go a few days without. Before it was easy, since I knew I would fall again to either PMO or sex. But now, no guarantee of sex...I am far more addicted than previously thought. Might not be on the high frequency, however, on the dependency...

210
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: March 01, 2019, 07:08:12 PM »
Well, this week was a write off. All week, it's been stress, boredom and a few other factors that don't help someone trying to reboot and kick the PMO addiction.
Starting again fresh tomorrow. Hopefully this time, I'll be a bit more focused and when the temptation gets too strong, I MUST leave the house. Another factor, I will have to wake up a bit later. I have about 30 minutes of leisure time in the morning (wake up at 530am and leave at 7am).

I have to say, kudos to the folks here that are able to keep long streaks going, this is going to take some work and strength. Never realized how strong this addiction was, even though I can hold out for a few days, when I crash, I crash hard...

211
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: February 25, 2019, 05:27:07 PM »
Here's another question, when you guys are posting your streaks, like yourself at 85 days. Is that without sex as well? Though my wife as of late, seems to be much more intimate (just starting this past weekend), there are sometimes she's not. But I seriously doubt she would go that long without it as well.

Or is the 85 days just without PMO?

212
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: February 23, 2019, 09:20:27 PM »
Well, seems this reboot is going to take more discipline than I ever imagined  :-\ 
Enter relapse 1 already. I was good from Feb 18th, then Feb 23rd, my wife was in the mood. Needless to say, I didn't turn her down. It was great, she didn't stimulate me at all, and yep, Pedro was ready. That being said, I drove her to work, and made the mistake of coming home, alone, for 8 hrs. The temptation was too strong.

What I would like to know, is after a brief abstinence (5 days), and then sex. Why the heck was I twice as horny within 3 hrs of sex with my wife, and I was going half mast, with no relief. Is this normal? I could easily have gone for a good round 2 with her within a couple of hours, but I doubt she would have been game.

Gonna need advice here.

213
Porn Addiction / Re: Very Sad That I Am Not Looking At Porn
« on: February 22, 2019, 09:43:02 PM »
I can only speak for myself, pick up a book, or a hobby that is far removed from your addiction. And try to build a routine with that. My wife sometimes works different shifts than I do. When I know I will be home alone for a few hours, I delay coming home.

I avoid being alone. And when I don't have a choice, I keep myself busy.

214
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: February 21, 2019, 09:59:14 PM »
Last post of the evening.

I have to admit, just being on this forum, seeing the success stories of people that PMO'd much, much more than me, posting their successes of 3 days clean gives me huge encouragement. And I read a few successes of a year or more. I honestly didn't think it was possible, for an addict, to literally give it up for good. Congrats to them!!! Hopefully I will also be one of those success stories

I have only gone 3 days, but I feel like it's almost a competition in a sense. You don't want to come back on the forum with the humility of saying "I relapsed", though there wouldn't be judgment from other members, it would be a walk with the tail between the legs.

This may be the extra nudge I needed to finally quit.

215
If I can add my input.

I remember years ago, while I was at work, my wife called me on my cell, and said "you might want to go in a private spot at your office". So I did, and then she tells me "I was using your tablet, and when I opened the internet, the first site that came up, was porn"...well, I was like any husband, found out, in disbelief that I didn't properly clear my browser, humiliated and worried about the next consequences of my actions, and her future decisions. I stuttered, denied it, claimed it was just pop ups...and immediately went to my boss and advised there was a family emergency.

Went home and prayed all the way home (embarrassingly enough, I'm a Christian, struggling with this addiction, but coming to terms to fight it and get rid of it out of my life). Praying that she would not leave me, and besides that, I have no idea what I wanted...

When I got home, I found her sitting calmly on the stairs of the back deck, drinking coffee. So I apologized with tears, she turned around and hugged me. I was in disbelief, I was expecting WW3. She simply said, I'm so sorry, if I was the intimate wife I should be, instead of turning you down as much as I do, maybe you wouldn't be struggling with this.

I was completely in disbelief. Now, with that said, I have NEVER blamed my wife's rejections for my addictions. While they maybe somewhat related, porn is completely my addiction independent of her.

This happened between 2014 and 2015. I don't remember exactly. I still struggle now, (hence, I'm on the site, and since on the site, I'm actually doing well).

My suggestion to you heathertheweather, is without pressuring him, or anger. Since he knows you know, I would occasionally ask him how he's doing with the struggle and if there's progress. No self respecting man wants to be in this addiction. A very good friend of mine and her husband (addicted Christian as well, and he traveled for weeks at a time) told me, that once a week, in private of the kids, she would sit down with him and let him know she was there for him, and would do whatever she could to support his quitting the addiction. But she would not accept him continuing the addiction (she didn't mind the odd relapse providing he was progressing)

I hope this might be a bit of help. And for the therapist to suggest a divorce, you need a new therapist. Something tells me she's either angry at men in general, or she had a bad relationship and it's reflecting in her practice.

If your husband doesn't want to quit the addiction, then you have to decide on if you stay or leave. Some wives don't care, some do.

216
Ages 40 and up / Re: Not sure where to start
« on: February 21, 2019, 08:26:48 PM »
I have a general question, mostly for the married men on the forum. When your wife repeatedly turns you down for sex (whether the frequency is once every 2 - 3 days, or once a week, once a month or less). I have seen myself get turned down 19 out of 20 advances...(guestimate here obviously)

How do you deal with the frustration of fighting PMO (we all know the struggle) and keep your cool with your wife (most don't even know the struggle we have) since it's not her addiction (and she probably doesn't know about the addiction either), and we "suffer" for a lack of better wording in our desire for sex, but nothing. I know, in my experience, I try to convey I'm fine when I'm turned down, after giving her a 30 minute foot/leg and back rub and just getting wound up...and then she turns around and says "thanks, I'm going to bed now"...

I have to admit, I'm not fine, but I don't want to set her anxiety up, since she has been suicidal 3 times since 2016, she struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, and she's on SSRI's. She's also working full time, since we can't survive on my salary alone.

Looking for some advice here.

Thanks in advance.

217
Ages 40 and up / Not sure where to start
« on: February 20, 2019, 09:43:41 PM »
Found this place as most did, by finding YBOP due to some concerns of possible ED.
Only cracked into my 40's (42). Married to an extremely beautiful wife (looks like Kristen Bell and built like her too). I didn't think I was addicted to porn, since I could go days without PMO. Depending on how busy my life was. I NEVER look for ways out of work, or social activities to find P. Other activities will ALWAYS come before.

PMO was ALWAYS my last resort, if I was either bored and if I knew it was going to be days till my next sexual episode with my wife. I went to the gym regularly, till I hurt my knees and tailbone. Now, I can't even do 2 squats without knee pain. So you might say, the exercise, is non existent.
I was thinking this may be part of the problem, that my heart is not necessarily failing, but I'm not in shape like I was.

My erections are not as strong as they were. Though my wife gives me a compliment on the hardness (I'm not sure if she's trying to encourage a moderately hard penis to being harder, or if it actually is).  I have only been able to not orgasm twice in our 14 yr marriage that I can remember while having sex.

Now the hard part, she's been on SSRI's for almost 4 yrs, which is killing her emotional side, sex drive is all but gone. Sex is only once a month now (or less), and my sex drive is still high (with weak erections till orgasm, which at that point, it's hard). And I'm starting to either suffer from premature ejaculation, or, the sex has been so random and infrequent, that it doesn't last long anymore. I have seen as little as 3 - 5 minutes and done (not including foreplay).

I was always able to hold out on PMO if I suspected we were going to have sex within the next few days (last time was Feb 18th for PMO) and I have no doubt I can hold out till Feb 22 - 24th (she's on her period and hinted at sex).

Now, with all that said, here's my question, that after reading a few other posts, I always thought, that if I PMO'd to keep it "fresh" and only hold out masturbation till a couple of days before sex, so it would last was the way to keep our sex episodes lasting longer, I'm starting to think I had the wrong approach.

I have to admit, it's refreshing to see I'm not the only one struggling with this addiction (I might be less frequent than some, I'm usually under an hour when I do PMO) but it's still stronger than I am at times.

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