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Messages - k-fff

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Day 24
Got really pissed off today at work. I am such a hothead honestly. Had sex again with the same girl before. I mo'ed two days before twice. I don't like it but sometimes I get so stressed at night.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« on: January 20, 2021, 05:42:37 AM »
It is good that you posted your story. I think people function better when they have a group supporting them. My only recommendations for reducing urges that have helped me. Just reduce the amount of time you spend online in general. I still spend far too much time online myself  I noticed, but just what I have cut down has made a big difference. I also would recommend in your case no MO. It sounds like pmo and mo have just taken a very large toll on your body. I think resting that part of your body as much as you possibly can is best. I hope for you all the best. Porn really is poison.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Quest for Impulse Control
« on: January 15, 2021, 11:42:59 PM »
I decided to stop m completely because I noticed for myself personally. It restarts urges again and I usually will get into a loop of m'ing to deal with urges, but eventually it ends in p. I don't think it necessarily reactivates the same pathways, but it is so adjacent that it is so easy to go one step off into p. I wouldn't recommend it. I noticed for myself there is always a chaser and the reason I want to m is often times because i am fantasizing about a girl i met. Something to keep in mind if you decide to do it.

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Posting Do or die's relapse handling tricks because they have helped me not binge.

Relapse Handling:
1. Remember you are did better, and you can do it again.
2. Always keep in mind that your body is changing and being able live without porn. So 1 or more relapses in reboot journey is common.

3. Never change the day when you started the reboot.
I mean I started from October 19 and till now I relapsed two times. And did 23 and 36 days reboots.
So never change the day when you decided to stop porn.

4. Always be motivated after relapse. Handle your emotions with care. Tell yourself that you can do it again. You have that potential. The person who did reboot till now is you and one relapse never set you back.

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Day 17

had an O yesterday wasn't good. couldn't stay hard without a bj I think it was due to the alcohol at the time. At least, I hope so. Looking at other people's journals who started earlier than me and yet were much more consistent and pushed through makes me feel guilty about my lack of progress. Well, the streaks are getting longer more consistently, but still. I feel like I could have had this under control earlier if I had just made the changes I made recently --earlier. It is a frustrating thing.

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Thanks for the info, Phineas.
I had more sexual dreams, dreams of relapsing, dreams of being caught in the act by loved ones. God, these dreams are just getting worse.

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Had a mess of p dreams and sexual dreams last night didn't sleep well. It is what it is. Just checking in nothing much to say

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Thanks always for the responses Phineas. I really appreciate the encouragement.

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relapsed. got really sick and had to quarantine. feel awful. relapse wasn't bad not the crazy bingeing like in the past. was hoping to not use the rest of this month. well the next three days is better than nothing.

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And thanks Phineas, I think I felt like I wasn't improving at all hence the relapses. But now after relapsing I realize how much better my mindset was overall. Even with the depression over my ex, I was significantly emotionally chaotic than I am now and people around me can tell.

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relapsed 3 days in a row and it was the bad kind of bingeing I used to do. Will post again back here. Certain things need to change with my online habits I think

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I searched several sites opened videos just to close them before anything comes up. Can’t say I feel like I am getting better. This lasted in the span of 5 minutes. Urges were brought on by boredom . I am incredibly depressed now. I miss my ex this feeling is swallowing me up. I feel completely gutted.  I wanted to know how I felt about my ex without p in my life and now I do.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: December 15, 2020, 03:18:28 AM »
Thank you for the question. Awesome question.

We have the power of awareness/attention/focus. We can put my attention to reading a book. We can also put attention to working out. Or we can also put attention to watching P.

Basically I am saying we have free* will.

* terms and limits apply.

I consider myself responsible for where I put my attention to. How I respond to something. This is my responsibility. I'd say that between stimulus and response lies responsibility.

If I get triggered by something. How I react to this is both my free will. A freedom of choice that nobody can take away even if they take everything else. But this is also my responsibility. I am responsible for my thoughts and emotions, my values and my attitude.

The elites have gone to great lengths to influence us. Have limitless amounts of pornography available online... Not a coincidence. It is also not a coincidence the P people are rich. And I am not seeing Gabe making any profit by doing what is good for society.

It definitely is intentional there is a reason serious countries completely ban p and considering how the media loves to demonize anti-p attitudes as basically evil says a lot. They same people that are saying we are not having enough children in the west are the same people responsible for pushing p into every aspect of our daily lives and destroying countless relationships. The damage to male and female relationships because of p has been catastrophic and yet the vast majority of people don't question why we have sex shoved in our faces everyday.

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Yes, it was the responding to earlier cues and urges that brought about the stronger urges.

Good on taking a zero tolerance toward peeking. Like yourself, this is the attitude I must maintain. For example, yesterday had several innocent interactions with some very drop-dead georgeous females on FB, relating to (ironically ministry), and later, saw a friend suggestion of a very strong 'trigger' or cue, a kind of woman that was 'tailor made' for me, it seems.

In the past, I would click on that (response to cue), and that would have fed urges, which would (eventually) lead to a lapse for me, a peek, or more. I just kind of had to reframe all of that, and kind of nonjudgementally let it wash off..., dismissing urges.

You got this, k-fff. Believe in your inner power to opt for a better life.

Thanks Phineas, I just want to shut this behavior down permanently. The counting days for me is only motivational what matters the most is that I am not using p anymore.

Day 1
I can't tell if I am all over the place with urges or I am just horny and I am thinking about sleeping with a coworker. I am not happy about the other day, but moving forward is the only thing to do.

Edit: Now that I am off work, I can write more.
I  am depressed because there have been so many times where I have gotten 20 days or 10 days and I could have pushed through, reset my counter, and cut it off quick. I am now 90% sure p was a big factor in my relationship ending and my own terrible behavior. I love my ex, and I have to let her go; the relationship is too damaged, but I regret not getting this problem under control sooner. I keep thinking back to times where I almost had a month or had a month and I didn't follow through quitting p. It hurts because I know now that it just wreaked havoc on everything. I am super unhappy with the way things went and all of the pain, I put her through and myself through was not necessary. I hope she is happy in her new relationship and she forgets all about me; she deserves it. I really mean that. I am not bitter just full of regret at my own behavior and my own weakness regarding this issue. My ex wasn't perfect by any means, but she tried her best throughout the whole relationship and it is evident to me now that I didn't. I didn't make the sacrifices necessary to conquer this addiction and it depresses me.

15
basically peeked. I don't know why I am having urges so bad now. I feel like from the 12th it just has set off a chain reaction of looking for this stuff again. It feels like I am just starting out again. I can't tell if I am making any progress when I feel like this. I guess that is something that I need to come to terms with. I am resetting the counter because of the peek. Even if it was for just like a minute, I am against peeking completely for my reboots. I don't care about the day count just getting over this and not having anymore urges.

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Day 24
before I forget to mention this I mo'ed(without p or anything like that) on day 22 to avoid relapse hours after posting. I then got really busy with other things, particularly getting drunker than I have ever gotten and I am still feeling the effects of the hangover two days after. I have been having a big uptick in urges overall. I had a slip just now with a show; I wasn't expecting it to be as explicit as it was, but it was. I turned it off immediately though. Not as big of a crazy rush like before, but still I want to acknowledge that I wanted to watch that show because my brain was looking for a p replacement of sorts. This is something I need to be mindful of and write on here. Cutting all of that stuff out is the only way to manage this and all I know is I don't want to relapse now. I plan to keep going until p is just a thing other people do. Peeking has always been an issue for me in the past and I need to remind myself it is never just a peek in this case, it was less planned than that, but still. I look forward to making it to 30 days. I think I am gonna need to eventually cut our mo'eing in general if I really want to see deeper results. I actually expect this next month is gonna be extremely hard.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: AStansfield's Reboot Journal
« on: December 13, 2020, 11:37:03 PM »
Hey, ASTan, I read about your ex on here. One thing I want to tell you about is that if she was first time being especially attached is normal and it is what is supposed to happen. Sex's entire function is to form a bond and  hopefully have children. It is not something meant to be used wacking to a screen. It is okay to be depressed and down, but still keep doing what you normally do because even though I have been depressed for like three weeks I know it isn't gonna last forever. In regards to your ex, she is not a good person and someone you have been lucky to be spared any longer relationship with. People who do that are cancer and if the relationship lasted longer, she would have wrecked your self-esteem more. In terms of your self-improvement, I would only use it to show to yourself other people are not worthwhile to please.

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Quote
I got triggered hard by a streaming website I use today. Ads and also popups of porn, I closed everything immediately, but I could already feel the gigantic blast of dopamine from that tiny bit. I hate that I just want to watch a goddamn tv show or a movie and I am always having to try to avoid the mine field of this bs. I was literally debating on relapsing for at least 20 minutes there until I just called a friend. Ugh, I feel so bad now even though I didn't relapse or even have a slip.

That can happen... I doubt that it was necessarily dopamine that 'blasted' you, but probably adrenaline. It was certainly a cue (or trigger) that then caused urges to arise...

Great going, denying your urges though! Closing everything down immediately, denying the gratification of the urges, and calling a friend to distract yourself from it- good job!

You are making progress. If there are other ways of watching your same shows/movies without the risk of getting actual porn pop-up adds, find that out. You don't want that same situation in a moment of weakened resolve. If it's on a computuer, there's add-blockers, or pop-up blockers, especially on Chrome, but I don't know what you're using.

Good work, and stay on guard against going to places online where you can get derailed.

Yea, definitely, it is playing with fire if I continue using that website. Hopefully, the ad blockers I have installed will mitigate this issue from occurring in the future.
Day 23

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You are doing good though. Getting over the urge is s big step. What i have found for myself is that when i was able to get over enough of the big urges, it was starting getting easier, maybe after three months or so... First i got trained in beating the urge and confident in the strategies i used to do that. And secondly there will come a point when the urges are not intensifying anymore, but are staying like you already used to. And since you are already managed to beat down these urges a few times, they dont bother you that much anymore. They can not surprise you anymore like that. From that point on it just becomes a grind to wait until the urges starting to decrease.
I am very certain, that when you get yourself off of porn, you will be having no problem to fall in love again or getting in a relationship you want. If you really want to make sure that you are not alone anymore, best thing to do is staying on that path.

Thanks, Jeks. I just want to stay away from p and continue to improve. I am just so tired of the horrible effects p has had on everything. I know my second month will be really difficult considering other times my second month was always very hard on me.

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Day 22
I got triggered hard by a streaming website I use today. Ads and also popups of porn, I closed everything immediately, but I could already feel the gigantic blast of dopamine from that tiny bit. I hate that I just want to watch a goddamn tv show or a movie and I am always having to try to avoid the mine field of this bs. I was literally debating on relapsing for at least 20 minutes there until I just called a friend. Ugh, I feel so bad now even though I didn't relapse or even have a slip. I just don't want anything to hinder my progress. I am tired of being a slave to p and I want to live my life.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: For the Future Me.
« on: December 10, 2020, 11:43:22 PM »
Aurelius is great. Stoicism in general is very useful. Keep focusing on other things, it helps to reduce thoughts about p.

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Day 21
Libido kicked in hard last night. I am feeling okay though. I don't have any urges at the moment. Only thing I want is to improve my piano skill; everything else is secondary.

Edit:
I am feeling enormously lonely right now. This always hits hard like this for me around the third week. I think it probably will get really bad during my second month and that is also what lead to into a relapse in the past. I hate feeling incapable of getting what I want especially in regards to women and that is exactly how I feel even though it has been a year since me and my ex technically broke up(still sleeping together on and off). I think the relationship destroyed my confidence in some ways; it also doesn't help that I just feel completely empty and devoid of happiness for the past two weeks. I can't say I expect anything to improve myself for awhile in terms of the emotional area. I am happy that I no longer am using p. I am really happy I am not doing that; it has fucked with my head so much and now I am feeling the weight of emotions that I numbed through a constant supply of dopamine. I suspect after my 3rd month off p that I will still be depressed. I say that only because 3 years of numbed emotions is gonna come slamming back into me. I don't expect to get what I want out of relationships anymore and all I can say is I just want to improve my skill at the things I love because I doubt I am gonna fall in love with anybody else;  I know this is really negative but women that I saw a future with are now all entered into long term relationships or married and I am left here alone. It makes me feel doomed in a sense and I don't think this feeling will let up.

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Phineas808 and Astanfield, thanks for the responses and encouragement, I appreciate it.
Day 20
Still unhappy, but I am grinding through. I just want to get over these piano technique hurdles.

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Day 19
Still depressed and pretty hopeless. The only thing keeping me going is working hard at piano so I can leave my job. Performing here, you can actually make money consistently and it is nothing like the U.S. where you are basically broke if you are a musician. I have written several songs, but in terms of my technique I feel I am very far behind a lot of people and I should be much better than I am. I hope practicing in between 1-3 hours a day changes that. Right now, I have to learn a bunch of pop songs because that is what these people like even though I hate that music with a burning passion, playing it is better than what my current work is which constantly gets my sick and is constantly at the whim of nonsense. I don't really care about the social status the comes along with playing music; it more has to do with the overall lack of stress compared to what I am currently doing. Playing piano is entirely under my control whereas teaching is heavily reliant on students and other factors that make the job incredibly obnoxious to deal with. At the end of the day, I realize I was probably still in love with my ex; it doesn't matter now though because I hope her relationship works out --ours was too damaged and we both did a lot of things wrong. I am not so depressed about that just feeling like I lost something.

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That's great to hear, Jeks. I hope things continue to be smooth sailing for you from here on.

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