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Messages - Mayer

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Porn Addiction / Re: Would you count this as a relapse
« on: March 05, 2019, 03:52:24 PM »
I liken this to a wet dream. These are uncontrollable and in no way a relapse. We would all love these porn images to leave our brains forever, that's not going to happen, I can tell you they get less with time. They fade, like all memories and become less intense. I've never mastered it but mindfulness and meditation could be a good next step to get some more control.

Porn Addiction / Re: "Free January" challenge
« on: January 06, 2019, 03:48:27 AM »
I'm in, I have not used porn for  couple of years now, but every little incentive helps to keep on the straight and narrow. I am currently trying to swear less too, so I am going to add that to my free January. I think swearing as much as I do, especially at work, harms my character, I think it lessens peoples respect of me. I also think it quite a immature thing to do and is kind of another addiction I want to leave behind. For me it means maturity and personal growth. I want to bury it with my porn addiction.

Porn Addiction / Re: Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 04, 2019, 03:26:51 AM »
As depressing as it is it seems only a matter of time until every facet of our lives is infiltrated with porn. Sex obviously sells, all of us on here have bought in to it and a trying to break free from it. Computer games have done everything else haven't they, look at Grand theft auto, if it wasn't bad enough it's getting more depraved every sequel. The games industry is looking for it's next shocking step forward, I guess sex is it.

Porn Addiction / Re: Last days (trying to escape my nasty flatline)
« on: November 18, 2018, 03:56:30 AM »
It's good to see you on here and realising you have a problem and wanting to fix it, especially at such an early age. I felt like you feel now when I was your age, I felt like I was never going to have sex, I was going to die a virgin. I mean what was there to live for, I had put sex on such a high pedestal it became unreachable, but I did it to myself. It wasn't unreachable, I found love and got married and even had sex once or twice, my problem was that the porn followed me. If I can give you advice from my experience, don't let that happen to you. I am so proud that there are people of your age trying to get better already, I wish I could go back and have my time again as malando says, it's true. I know that porn would not come with me again. I wish you luck, but I'm sure you don't need it, you just need time to get it right and you have plenty of that.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 38 Days Tonight with No Porn
« on: November 16, 2018, 03:17:31 AM »
For me I couldn't have rebooted without support. I was full on into my addiction when my wife caught me watching porn, so I had never tried to quit on my own before, or never even realised I had an issue. So I am proud that you guys can get there more or less on your own

One big thing I get when reading about your relapse is why you had access to porn in the first place. I would put software on all your devices and lock them up good, get your wife to password it, if she's willing to, or get a close friend you can confide in to control you online behavior.

Also you spoke about MO but you couldn't do it without fantasizing. If you are fantasizing about porn or porn-subs then it's still PMO. The same neural pathways are still being triggered, it's kind of cheating the reboot system.

90 days is just a number, there is no biological reason that you will be fixed after 90 days. Some guys it's sooner but most it's longer, when you get to 90 you won't be suddenly free. Porn will challenge your sobriety for a very long time. I am more than 2 years sober but every now and again i get triggered by something, but I have much better control now, I have learnt coping skills, got hobbies and have a life to lead, porn was taking my family away, my time, my energy, my mind.

This is your first relapse, isn't it? Don't be hard on yourself, 51 days is great. You now need to look at why you relapsed and put things in place that will prevent it from happening next time round, you may relapse in a different way for different reasons next time, eventually you will get to know all you triggers and issues and be able to stay sober. It does get easier the longer you stay sober, and the intimacy with your wife will get better. I can't say how much as me and my wife are still working on that area but things are definitely getting better.

Porn Addiction / Re: Pills during reboot
« on: November 10, 2018, 02:04:02 AM »
It seems to me your getting the wrong end of the stick here so to speak. You are currently covering up and lying about your addiction to you wife and you are also asking how best to do this. This is manipulation, you are tricking her into thinking nothing is wrong. You have identified you are addicted, now you need to look at yourself and think do I want to continue lying and cheating or do I want to be better.
I know how it is, use my experience. My porn addiction was discovered by my wife, which is the worst way a partner can find out, it is incredibly traumatic and I am lucky to still be married. Also I tried to hide the depth of my addiction, this is also not a good thing, for each thing that comes out is also traumatic. I suggest if you want a good future with your current spouse then you need to be open and honest with her about all of this. It's up to her then what she does, if you are lucky she will stay with you and help you through it. Keeping it secret just won't help, you need support to break this addiction. Not just from here and you wife but from local 12 step groups etc.. good luck on your recovery.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: no sex, no touching....nothing
« on: October 13, 2018, 09:18:57 PM »
I admire your intensity and hatred of porn and the sexualization of our society. I think it is awesome that you have investigated your situation so deeply and have tried to show your ex what you have found. But I can tell you he will do what he wants, you need to give up on him. You can't change him he can only change himself. He will probably resist more the more you throw at him. All you can do is hope he sees what is going on and come to the realization of what he is doing and what he has lost or missing out on.
It sounds like he's got some massive porn fog going on, reading through all this post I'm just shouting at the screen "f##king leave him already". It's quite painful reading. You need to forget about him block him whatever you can do, he is in your head.
There are porn free guys out there, have faith.

I know exactly how you feel, we have a 7 year old daughter and 3 sons, 2 of which are older. Thankfully we home school and we started homeschooling 6 years ago. We have limited their external influences from highly sexualized content, they get the odd advert on YouTube but nothing too bad. I have noticed the oldest boy getting interested in girls more so we need to keep this to a natural progression rather than an over stimulation and I think the restrictions we have in place on our devices work well. Our daughter is very girly and loves to beautify herself and dress up, and we haven't pushed any of this at all, its just something she loves to do. I am worried about her and the boys getting older and more influenced by the highly sexualized culture we have, I hope that bringing them up with understanding of this will prepare them, help them not to get drawn into it. We just have to be there for support for them.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: October 07, 2018, 05:38:07 AM »
It's been a difficult day and a patchy week really. I'm still continuing my recovery program, and check ins. My wife is very up and down with it all. Its difficult to maintain the motivation, it always has been for me, I need to break that barrier this time, this is why I'm up at 11.30pm writing this. Normally I would be either asleep or reading sport or playing a game. I have just written up my boundaries, my first lot got lost between phones somewhere although it was good to update them. I triggered my wife today with a question on a computer game about cheating. I read it, I knew it was difficult question but I didn't do anything about it. It was stupid, I should have protected her and I failed. I need to be more vigilant and careful is this respect. We had a check in today, it wasn't awesome, but not a total failure. I need to kick myself in the arse daily, I think I will put that as a reminder on my phone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: September 29, 2018, 01:15:01 AM »
It's been an up and down week. I had a check in on Wednesday, it was ok. I talked about having great ideas and great intent but then the hard work sets in and it very discouraging. I need to use the negativity of that to spur me on. I need to keep the end goal in my mind so the hard work is worth it. It's definitely worth it the journey is just a hard one. I am still in the recovery program with Stanton Peele, although I need to get my modules assessed, for some reason they haven't assessed them in a while. My wife bought a cross trainer machine today, she thinks she is overweight, I think she is perfect. I need to drop some weight though, I have a exercise bike in the garage but it is cold and not very nice to use. I think I will jump on the cross trainer too. Got another check in tomorrow, I have been reading some recovery, and I will continue the rest of the program too.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: September 22, 2018, 11:39:08 PM »
Well I'm 41 now, guess I should change to title of this post. Although now I'm feeling more like my age. I am progressing in my maturity I think, I try to take the serious things seriously which I wasn't doing in the past. I have a long way to go, I still have a childish sense of humour which is ok some of the time but I think I draw on it too much. The last 6 months have been very consistent, work, kids, learning etc.. but admittedly recovery has taking a bit of a back seat, my days are full. Get up look after and teach the kids then off to work as my wife comes home. Communication with my wife is at an all time low, and this needs to change, hopefully we will go back to doing check ins again. I think about her everyday and try to do something that she will like everyday. Hopefully we can get talking again.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: May 20, 2018, 03:51:32 AM »
I haven't posted for a while. I always find it difficult to post, sometimes it means reaching to some deep feelings. I have spent years suppressing these feelings. Ignoring them. It's difficult to bring them to the surface. I am feeling better within myself, less of a nerd, less shut down. Not much less. I don't feel as ugly as I used to, I used to feel quite defective and unlovable. At least unlovable by me. I have been doing some more of my Life Process program, it has enlightened me on how bad I am and giving and receiving feedback, or compliments. I find both embarrassing, I find it difficult to find the right words, especially in the moment. I find myself looking back at moments, thinking I could have said something better, or should have said something anything, or I said something badly. I need to practice at this, it doesn't come naturally to me, I suppose when looking at it it comes back to my embarrassment issue, I don't want to make a fool of myself and I know I will whatever I say to people.  I need to get my own level of embarrassment in check, I need to get some coping skills for that, then I can be free to do lots of other more meaningful things, things that will mean a lot to other people.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: I'm terrified to ask
« on: May 03, 2018, 09:39:55 PM »
That is a strange text. I don't get how you feel he is bisexual from that text. You should definitely ask him if you feel something is off, would he be upset that you have read his text? Sexuality is definitely a spectrum, I think recently scientists proved that no one is one hundred percent straight. I mean I can look at a man and tell if he is handsome or not and I have met guys who are extremely charasmatic but I have never been attracted to them sexually. I agree with the others you need to start communicating with him and find out either way. He needs to be totally off the porn too, just cutting back won't work, thats like being a heroin addict but only shooting up once a week instead of every night. Eventually it will creep up to more and more and he will be at the same level that he was before. Addicts can't control their poison of choice, at least not without a lot of meditation and contemplation of one self. He needs to get to the root of his porn abuse, because like mousemat says, when he has a clear mind he will be able to think straight and answer any bisexuality questions honestly.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot V2
« on: April 28, 2018, 10:25:30 PM »
If it just refined sugar you are thinking about I would say you are doing ok. Well done for getting past the 90 days,. It will all be downhill from now on. I see you are using gaming to keep your attention, that's good, but gaming is also addictive too, be careful you don't swap one addiction for another. I nearly did that with crocheting, I found it very therapeutic and it kept my attention but with my personality I started to get addicted to that too. In fact I have just started it again today, I just need to do it little bits otherwise I will lose myself to it. I used to do it with games too, I used to lose hours on games like settlers I was probably addicted to them but with changes in life, like getting a family and a job that addiction naturally disappeared. keep up the good work.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: April 28, 2018, 02:08:05 AM »
So, I am settling I to my new job. Things are going really well, I am getting my days planned, I want to get into a set pattern. I have the kids in homeschool, my wife has already fed them before I get up. I have started exercising again, I am trying for 11 am everyday. After that I play homeschool and do housework. I need a time for recovery in there too, some continued reading and journalling. As for me, I feel free, the night shift is quite with little distractions. My time is pretty busy there so there are is no time for my mind to wander, I feel I have that under control now. My wife works during the day which also gives her something to keep her mind busy. The main thing I need to do is to reconnect with my wife again. So that is going to be my mission for the future.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: April 13, 2018, 02:48:43 AM »
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on lately. Mostly life and work. Had a great easter holiday. Since then I have been learning and training into my new job. I think I am becoming a much better person, I am out of the last job which is a relief. That environment was quite toxic, holding back my recovery. In this new job I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be. I am not running myself down, I am having more faith in my own ability. I am leaving behind any perverted or misogynistic talk, all of which was to impress and joke with other guys in my last job. I am hopefully creating a persona that can be respected and trusted but not a fake persona, one I want to be. I have more or less finished my training, so week after next I will be on a late afternoon shift. This will limit time with my wife but open up more time with the children. Hopefully it will work out for the better.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 25, 2018, 04:57:14 AM »
So I finished on Friday, I was mentally checked out already. I taught my replacement everything I know. Said goodbye to everyone, there were so many nice people that I'm leaving. I never realised, and it was real nice as a lot of them turned up to say goodbye. It did make me think twice about what I was leaving behind. But for me the environment was quite toxic, too much for me to rise above. The new job is not only an improvement for our family life but also and step forward for my recovery. I now need to live as I the man I want to be, I need to not drop into the character I used to be. It will be difficult, I like to fit in but sometimes that means not being me. In fact a lot of the time it means creating a different persona just to be liked. This time I will be me, new job tomorrow, it should be fun.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 17, 2018, 03:37:11 AM »
I have been feeling much more relaxed lately. I am ready to start my new job and I have already mentally checked out of my old one. Just tying up loose ends now. I am looking forward to my new daily plan. I have been considering how to keep up recovery while on my new shift pattern. As I will be working from 4pm till midnight I have been thinking I should be able to get exercise in then shower just before work everyday, that will help me feel more positive. Im feeling a bit unhealthy and tired lately so I will be glad to start up a consistent exercise session. I am thinking I will read in the morning before any homeschooling and then the rest of the day will be taken up with the kids. I would like to get some meditation in too, maybe after work before bed. Slowly everything seems to be fitting together, falling in to place.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 09, 2018, 03:38:22 AM »
Well I got the job, yay. Just filling out all the paperwork for it. It was a long drawn out process, each time I contacted them about the state of my application it felt like I was putting them out, even annoying them. I was getting stressed out about it all, they took a long time getting back to me about anything. In the pre employment medical I was honest about my health, I answered all their questions. I have a few health problems that don't affect my ability to do my job. So I got called in for a third interview to discuss my health. They thanked me for my honesty and said most people lie on these forms. So after that interview they took a long time getting back to me with an answer. In that time I was regretting being so honest, thinking I had just lost the chance for a really cool job. I was also starting to resent my would be employer for dragging the process out so much. So I am holding grudges and questioning whether being honest is really worth it, two things I am trying to change about myself. As it happened they offered me the job but said it was hard to convince upper management. So I am happy the whole process is nearly over, but I am not happy about the range of emotions and thoughts that went through my head. I need to meditate more I think, I feel at the mercy of my thoughts. I think the worst, I start believing I am not wanted, or not good enough, I begin to hate on myself for doing things wrong and I stress. I haven't been feeling like I am going to relapse, more like I have just been a bit blank and out of sorts mentally. I am good with routine so I am out of my comfort zone until things settle again, and that is still a few months away.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 01, 2018, 04:13:28 AM »
Hi 5dawgs, I didn't know I had an addiction until my wife walked in on me and I didn't admit it to myself until months later. I had to come to terms with the fact i had been a liar and a cheat. But I do have good morals, I believe the addiction was making the lying and cheating acceptable, what they don't know can't hurt them, right. But really if you search deep down, you know it is wrong, keeping secrets from the one person you are supposed to share everything with is wrong. If she finds out by accident, the hurt for her will be a million times worse than if you have the courage to tell her yourself. You need support through this addiction too, I know my wife has done everything she can and more for me, and she has stayed through it all which is incredible when I put her through so much pain. It is a hard choice to make for an addict, I told many lies and kept many secrets, and I can understand the logic about not telling your wife. But you have realised you have a problem and honesty is a character trait you need to beat addiction. I don't know if I would have told my wife if I had realised I was an addict before she had discovered me, I think with the recovery thinking I have now and what I know now from what we have been through I would. If I was in your position only just starting recovery I don't think I would have had the courage. Nobody wants to cause their spouse undue pain, but at the same time everything is going to be a lie from you from now on. If you join a 12 step group and you are religious then SA is great, but each time you go you are going to have to lie about where you are going, lie about what happened, each time you watch porn, or can't get it up or anything really. The lies will and have already infected your whole life, maybe for now just try and be conscious about how much you have to bend the truth and the little fibs and stories you have to tell to keep you secret each day. I can't endorse keeping secrets from a spouse, it's not morally right, a marriage is supposed to be coupling where everything is shared, there are no lies. Coming clean will hurt her, there is no way to avoid it, and the advice I give to you if you decide to tell her is to tell her everything. Write a full disclosure to give to her when she is ready, because each time she finds out something new it will hurt her like the first time you tell her, and believe me, me and my wife have experienced that a few too many times, trust will be obliterated. Also get help with books and forums and support groups and bury yourself in recovery material, so she knows that you are going to try as hard as you can to overcome your addiction and become honest and trustworthy again. Ask for her help, of course her staying and supporting will be her choice, there is nothing you can do about that, but she still deserves to know.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Denies his porn problem
« on: February 24, 2018, 01:41:24 AM »
Your relationship sounds quite abusive at the moment. You don't deserve the gas lighting, dishonesty or disrespect. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself, and if he is not going to counselling with you then he must be in denial, and afraid that he will have to accept that and change. I am a recovering porn addict, I know what the denial phase is like. I thought I had done nothing wrong, I wanted to keep everything the same, I wanted to have my cake and eat it. This is what he wants too, he wants you to accept that he is normal so he can continue watching porn. But he is not normal, he is an addict, I know for me a big kick in the butt was the threat of breaking up, we also had trial separations, I think these really brought home for me everything I was set to lose if I continued on my destructive path. I think you need to seriously think about a trail separation, because if he is like me he needs something to break the denial and get him into recovery.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 23, 2018, 04:04:15 AM »
So I had my medical for this new job and filled out a million forms and sent them away, it was very intense. So now I have to wait over the weekend to find out if I have the job. It's going to be testing weekend with the extra stress, a probably a stressful few weeks after depending on what happens. I think I have enough strength and support to get through them though. In general I feel good, I feel excited that I could be out of a poisonous situation at my current work and I know that will turn to relief. A new car, job and change in life style I think is going to be good for the family and recovery and continued happiness.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 17, 2018, 03:53:40 AM »
I have been very busy this week, with work and with the new job application. I have had 2 interviews, which went well and they are very keen to employ me. Now I have to jump through quite a few hoops to secure the job. I have a medical to go through, a police check, and another application form to fill out. I also had to do cognitive ability tests, and personality test. I have a lot to still go through before I see a contract. I think other people would give up at this point, it is definitely quite stressful and I need to keep up my recovery or I feel like I could relapse. Stress definitely weakens my will power and also makes me look for relief, which if I didn't know better it would have been in the form of PMO. So I have been keeping myself occupied with the kids, playing minecraft with them, tidying and cleaning, gardening and anything else to occupy my mind. I want to crochet again, I did it for a while but nearly got as addicted to that as I did to porn. My daughter was wearing a hat I made, and because I hadn't seen it in a while I couldn't believe how good it was, I don't remember being all that good at it. I need to find time for that hobby though, maybe during winter when the garden takes a bit of a back seat.
So we have the possibility of some big changes and it is hard not to get over exited about them. If I get this job, it means my wife will pick up more hours, it means we need a car and in the future probably move house closer to both our works. I like things to be done and settled already so it is hard not to jump in and spend lots of money and get things done. We have done things like this before, especially last time we moved house, and although it turned out OK in the end there was a period there where we were going to be homeless. So I would like for that not to happen this time, I want to take time and make sure everything we do is well thought out and nothing is rushed. I do feel like moving jobs and house will benefit both me and my wife, I think it will help banish memories of the bad days we have had here, and this place can only be triggering in some ways for her, as this house was full of my secrets. A new place and a new start can only be good to continue our relationship.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 10, 2018, 01:57:19 AM »
Things are continuing to happen, I feel like I am on a upward path in general. I am very conscious of what I say and do. Sometimes I slip when I get drawn into the wrong conversations, and I cringe when I do this. I am already asking for forgiveness internally as I know I am doing wrong. Mostly though I am on the right track and as long as feel bad about talking this way then I will stop, completely. I have an interview for a new job too, the shift goes on till late, but this gives my wife time to fit her new job in. It also gives me a fresh start, it will be much easier to change grow and mature when I don't have my history holding me back. I am hoping this job is all it is cracked up to be. I am also looking forward to spending more time with my kids. Because I won't start work till the afternoon it means I can spend the morning looking after and teaching the kids. Up until now I haven't had much input in the homeschooling. Partly because of work and partly because of my addiction. It had an amazing hold on my brain. Now I need to make up for lost time with them.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 02, 2018, 02:50:53 AM »
So, I continue along my journey of maturity and character change. I'm taking small steps but I think they are important, I,m not entertaining any jokes or discussions about women. At work these end up derogatory and frankly untrue, guys like to get together and inflate there own egos. My boss was trying to get a discussion going about our prime minister and how being pregnant will mean she will have to step down. I wouldn't talk about it because it has already happened in another country, plus she is in the job on merit, she is intelligent, and she has a plan for how she is going to continue being head of the country. I actually thought it was real positive news until my boss came in with his mysogony. Because I refused to agree with him or pander to him which I would normally do in jest, he actually got quite upset.
I have applied for a different job, one I think I will find very rewarding. Repairing and maintaining a huge climate controlled nursery. I have a very keen interest in plants, so I am really looking forward to this application. I hope I get it and can move away from the toxic environment I am in currently. I think it will be less pay, but my wife is taking on work so hopefully it can work out, it will be good for my recovery.
Other than that I feel I have been very good this week and not ogling other women, I have definitely noticed some but left it at that. It is not second nature like I want it to be, but it will be. I still can't get hold of my swearing, I actually think it's getting worse.

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