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Messages - aquarius25

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1
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: January 04, 2021, 12:36:12 PM »
Gambitchco, Yes, while i am not on here often it is a really good place to seek support.

Happy New Year everyone. This year is hopefully going to be better than last year. Last year was a big one for us and I think it was a good wake up call my my hubby as he had his first relapse last year. He is a lot more focused now and I am hoping that he can keep that momentum up. Seems like when days turn into months and become years you let your guard down. I think that was what happened for him, add in a pandemic and I think it was just a recipe for disaster. We both check in more often and try to communicate whenever things come up for us. This year is sure to be full of lots of new things. Adding to our growing business, hopefully traveling to some new countries with the kids, and continuing to grow.. Learning from the past but not dwelling there, just trying to keep my focus forward.

2
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: November 16, 2020, 02:59:29 PM »
Well, I haven't been on in a while. We have been doing distance learning and all the other things and never carved out the time. Also if I am going to be perfectly honest, I am a bit burnt out. I get messaged a decent amount. I love good conversation! I don't care if end up agreeing or not I just truly like to understand people and want to do my part to encourage people to be their best self. Sometimes I might say something that upsets someone and I try to be quick to apologies because that is never my intention. I have connected with so many great men and women on here! Even recently an addict on here and i had a great discussion, some miscommunication on my part and maybe some on his, but in the end I felt we  were able to communicate and appreciate a different perspective. Unfortunately I also get some not so great messages and I just really needed space from those. I just want to make this clear in my journal so there is not misunderstand or miscommunication, it is never ok to send a partner porn triggering messages. In fact don't send them to addicts either! It is not ok to send messages that are just mean period. Behaving like a two yr old is not ok. I have been on here enough to know that there will always be someone who is frankly just an ass hat for no reason other than they just like to pester people. That is not kind and frankly it will not help anyone's healing. So I am not interested in conversation with anyone who isn't interested in actual conversing like adults. 

thanks
A

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: October 06, 2020, 08:31:18 AM »
Hi there, so I am just going to put this out there. I have read your journal and followed your recovery for a while and recently in one of your posts you mentions your time being whittled away. I too am a strong woman and in our marriage we have at different times struggled with this so I understand to some degree what this dynamic is like. One thing I wanted to mention is this, do you think the fact that your wife is a woman you don't tell no to part of what drives you to chat rooms? Do you feel like some part of you doesn't feel equal or fairly represented in your marriage and that is something you get out of chat rooms? I could be way off base but it might be worth pondering. If so maybe you should have a real heart to heart with your wife about this. I know my husband felt in our marriage like there were things he couldn't bring up or I would just railroad him over it. It was not easy to hear, but I needed to hear it. We now have a more common language and when something is really important and he want to tell me but he is nervous about my reaction he will just look at me and say "we need to talk about this, I love you, and this isn't easy for me to say but it is important and I want you to hear me". When I hear this, I know I need to back down and listen. Maybe there is some language you and your wife could develop?

Great job on your recovery! You have put in a lot of work and that is hugely commendable!

4
Porn Addiction / Re: Porn is not the core problem
« on: October 06, 2020, 08:11:58 AM »
This thread is so fantastic and spot on! As a wife of an addict I can tell you that to really recover you must dig into your root causes. Why do you seek out porn? What is going on in your life when you are feeling triggered and what are you not content with? It took my husband a long time to realize that he really didn't know have to handle emotions well. He would withdrawal when he felt emotional. Masturbation and porn were a place to have an outlet and release for that stress and buildup of emotion instead of sitting with the actual emotions and experiencing them. I think this is actually pretty common but not healthy. A lot of men experience this, or sometimes its just boredom. They don't know how to just be alone and not doing something because they aren't comfortable with themselves. They have to stay busy because they aren't content just being. For men like this mindfulness is huge. Learning how to spend time alone and not filling it with an activity is a big deal. Meditation is really helpful! Learning to love who you are and be ok with who you are can be a really difficult thing to do. It isn't until addicts dig into what their root cause and desire is  that they can actually heal. Porn and PIED are symptoms of root issues. By just rebooting you are only putting a band-aid on the problem without fixing the underlying issue and as such you will need to buy a constant supply of bandages. You will find yourself constantly counting the days and cycling from one reboot to the next. By making a life change, that is where healing and transformation come from!

Right on gentlemen! You are on the right road!

5
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Round and round we go..
« on: October 06, 2020, 07:57:21 AM »
A lot of guys on here will say things like "It is easier to recover when you have a partner". I think they understand it to be because you have someone to be intimate with. They think having someone to have sex with helps with urges. Yes in a lot of cases it does the opposite due to the chaser effect. They imaging having a partner as being this encouraging cheerleader in their corner. I have noticed after coming on here for a few yrs that, yes having a partner helps, but not in the way they think. When you have a partner that you love and you are honest and come clean you have to deal with the fact that your addiction has greatly impacted another person, someone you love. You have to accept responsibility for the hurt caused by your actions and it adds a layer of seriousness and weight of responsibility to the addicts actions and behaviors. It is hard for a lot of addicts to do this so a lot choose not to tell their partners. I believe this only feeds the pathways of lies and you will find a lot of those men tend to relapse often as there isn't a real life change. That is what it takes, a life change. It is like dieting in some ways, you can roller coaster off and on reboot getting a few good streaks of a week or two of no pmo, maybe even a month or two but until you actually have a life change you will always just be rollercoastering from reboot to reboot, just counting days. Real recovery takes looking at root causes and really putting in the hard work to accept your brokenness and working towards rebuilding in a stronger and healthier life. When you have other people counting on you it makes the necessity of recovery more imperative. That is why a lot of men with partners, who they have chosen to be honest with, are more successful with their reboot. At least this is just my observation and opinion.

The fact that your partner is talking and even trying and making an attempt to include you in this, while it might not feel like a lot, it is. Even if he has hid it for a long time, better late than never. My husband lied and hid his addiction for well over a decade. When shit hit the fan he went through the slow disclosure, telling most but still grasping at a few lies, until there was nothing left. Now we have open communication. I trust him and it is because at some point he wasn't being honest for me. He realized that living honestly was for him too. I loved him when we married and I thought he was a pretty great guy, but the man he is today is so much better. He is not perfect, but he knows suffering and brokenness. He has empathy for others and is less judgmental towards those who are in different places. He has a desire to encourage and help build those up around him. All of those things came from him facing this addiction. It is a long journey but it is worth the fight. The hurt is a lot to deal with and leaving is easier for sure, but if you can muster the strength to stay it might be worth it. Not every relationship is the same you have to sort out for yourself what is your priority but in my experience if they are talking and trying then it is good for us partners to try too.
Hang in there! This too will pass, and you don't have to do it alone.

6
Success Stories / recovery is positively impacting our son
« on: October 05, 2020, 11:15:33 AM »
So I had posted a bit of this in my journal but I see this as a huge success and wanted to share it here as well for anyone who might appreciate this. It is a different kind of success but to me it is one of the biggest and most important!

My husband has been in recovery for over 4 yrs. He has full relapsed once and had hundreds of triggers that he has successfully battled through. He has put in some really hard work, endured difficult conversations, and has had many "come to Jesus" moments with himself through this process. He has also managed to work with me and we have both put in the difficult task of rebuilding this marriage into a good one and are going on 17 yrs together. That is not easy to do with this addiction. The real success is in who he is as a father and the impact he has had on our son.

Our son is in that awkward stage of 7th grade and will be a teenager come December. He is really starting to shift from boy to this grown man appearance. It is really great to talk to him and hear his thought and perspective on things. One thing he remarked on recently was my husbands porn addiction. We have chosen to be fairly honest with our kids and they do know about his addiction (not details but more general discussion). If he has a relapse one of the agreements is that he is honest with them as well. This adds a layer of accountability to the family as a whole and was something the kids requested. They want to be part of seeing him healthy and free of this too. They have both commented periodically how he is much more present as a dad now than he was before. Over the weekend my son made another observation and it just really made me so proud of him. He said that he can see how my husband shows appreciation and affection towards me more and he can see how it makes me happy and that makes him happy. He said that some kids at school were talking about pictures of girls (porn) and he said he wasn't interested in that at all. He said he has noticed the impact it has made on his dad and he doesn't want that in his life. He also said that the person his dad is now is the kind of person he wants to be, not the person he was before. I was brought to tears how much he has noticed and watched through these years and I can see how it has impacted his life. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

Sorry to gush over this but I am just a really proud mama, lol. More so I am a proud wife. My husband still gets triggered from time to time. The relapse was really hard on all of us but, even when I am questioning everything, he is consistent about his recovery. He tried very hard to stay focused on the end goal (a healthy life) and I can see him achieving that more and more every day.

7
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: October 05, 2020, 11:03:29 AM »
Arantxa, welcome and thanks!

Not a lot new going on. Life is just busy as normal. As of late I have been feeling more and more confident and comfortable in who I am. I can tell that my husband has noticed and appreciated this as I think he is experiencing similar as well. We both seem to be in a really good place not just as a couple but individually as well. He has come so far from where he began and so have I. Bad days are seldom had and we have both been really enjoying this season of life. The kids are doing well too. Our son is in that awkward stage of 7th grade and will be a teenager come december. He is really starting to shift from boy to this grown man appearance. It is really great to talk to him and hear his thought and perspective on things. One thing he remarked on recently was my husbands pron addiction. We have chosen to be fairly honest with our kids and they do know about his addiction. If he has a relapse one of the agreements is that he is honest with them as well. This adds a layer of accountability to the family as a whole and was something the kids requested. They want to be part of seeing him healthy and free of this too. They have both commented periodically how he is much more present as a dad now than he was before. Over the weekend my son made another observation and it just really made me so proud of him. He said that he can see how my husband shows appreciation and affection toward me more too. He said that some kids at school were talking about pictures of girls (porn) and he said he wasn't interested in that at all. He said he has noticed the impact it has made on his dad and he doesn't want that in his life. He also said that the person his dad is now is the kind of person he wants to be, not the person he was before. I was brought to tears how much he has noticed and watched through these years and I can see how it has impacted his life. I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

Sorry to gush over this but I am just a really proud mama, lol.

8
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Round and round we go..
« on: October 05, 2020, 10:51:55 AM »
That sounds like a lot, the past experiences can make the current even more overwhelming. One of the trick parts to addictions and abuses that are not as physical and don't leave marks is that they are easy to rationalize as "ok" because there aren't any physical signs of them but the emotional scares hurt just as much and it is never ok.

Something that I have learned in my relationship, and this is something I never believed before, is that you can love someone without trusting them. Before this whole thing I believed that you can't love without trust and part of love is trusting. Today I do not believe this to be true. There are points in my husbands recovery that I didn't trust him, but I still had love for him. When I am trusting him I would say the relationship feels stronger but either way the love is still there. It is ok to not trust him, and it is ok to communicate that. Then sit down together and discuses what both of you want this relationship to look like, feel like, and to be. What are the goals? How can the two of you together meet those goals. I think if he is going hardmode then it needs to be a real hardmode. Take is seriously, no youtube, facebook, maybe set up parent controls so her doesn't have access to those sites till he has better self control and some time under his recovery. But these choices have to be made together. Be sure you are both on the same page.

It is not easy but as someone who have been in this for 4 yrs+ now, I will say it does get better. Hang in there. Be honest with yourself about your needs and don't hesitate to seek support! You are not alone. Feel free to DM me anytime!

9
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Round and round we go..
« on: October 02, 2020, 10:00:28 AM »
My heart really goes out to you. It is very difficult as a partner. There are so many lines that get blurred and, at least for myself, I had so many conflicting emotions. On one had I felt like I needed to be supportive to him, not take it personal, this is an addiction after all. Then on the other I felt like I didn't actually know who this person was that I was with. I felt like everything was a lie. I kept thinking that I thought I knew who he was and that I could judge a good person and yet here I had no idea who the person closest to me was. It was so violating feeling. I felt scared. I second guessed everything. I kept asking "what else in my life am I being lie to about". It was awful. I felt insecure, ugly, fat, unlovable, alone, not myself, and more than anything just plain uncomfortable in my own skin. I really felt I didn't know who I was. I loved this man and at the same time he became the person who caused me so much pain. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship and her husband had raped her. Thankfully she has left, but I remember her telling me how he had sex with her without her consent and because they were married it was supposed to be ok. She talked about her emotional process and honestly it was like she was describing my emotional experience to a T. I think because porn is so widely accepted culture makes us feel like we are supposed to be ok with this, but no, it is not ok. It is the lying and the break in trust and the feeling of not being safe in the relationship and being manipulated. Its awful.

All of this to say that just because you understand the science doesn't make the emotion any better or easier. Logically you can understand but emotionally you can be a complete mess. It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be a mess. It does not mean that you love your husband less. You are not alone. I am glad you found this space and that you have a place to process. Welcome!

10
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Looking for some insights
« on: September 21, 2020, 01:37:17 PM »
Wow, yes Sliced, this forum can be a most frustrating place at times. It can also be encouraging. Just don't pay mind to the people who are less than helpful. All you can do is focus on yourself and your partner. My husband used to get told all the time that he didn't need to tell me things that I had requested he communicate. Addicts love to excuse behavior when they are doing it themselves. I honestly think it is hard for them to hear that their actions cause hurt in others so they excuse it not just to make your partner feel better but also to make themselves feel better. Focus on the integrity in your relationship. It sounds like you are both really hurting but both trying as well. The hurt can be overwhelming, for both the partner and the addict. It is such a complex situation. I know for myself I felt like I was on this roller coaster of emotions and I couldn't get off. It took months before I felt ok. Know that it does get better.

As far as honesty, my advice which you can totally take or leave because everyone is different is this. Give him time. There were a lot of things I would uncover that my husband wasn't intentionally hiding but that he just didn't think about. Then I would ask him and even though he said he had told me everything one more thing would come out. I would get sooooo angry. My anger was really because I was scared and didn't feel secure. Know that sometimes it isn't that he is hiding but that he has forgotten. Grace is hard to muster when the hurt is so deep but it is imperative if you are going to make a relationship work, any relationship.

Also with disclosure have an agreed upon amount of time for him to disclose new things that come up. Like if he has a relapse or and urge. For us we have a 24 hr rule. I know that he will be super stressed and nervous to tell me anything. Plus we are both so busy with kids it is hard to find the right time. So the rule is that he needs to tell me we need to make time to talk about "something important" within 24 hrs. That give him time to mentally prepare. Honestly it also is time for him to torture himself, because that is pretty much what he does. If he waits longer than that to initiate a conversation than he has cross a boundary and that has consequences because I need to be able to feel safe and secure in my relationship, as does he. All of our boundaries go both ways. If I ask him if I can look at his phone than I need to be willing to allow him to see mine. Transparency on both sides build trust.

It sounds like a lot of rules and you are probably thinking " I don't want to be his parent". Yes I have felt that for sure! BUt now that we are years into recovery it doesn't feel like that at all. It feels like respect rather than rules and boundaries. I know you are hurting so much right now but I do want to assure you it does get better....for both of you! If you ever want to message me direct feel free. I don't post in forums as much but I do respond to messages pretty good. My heart goes out to you, this is not easy and frankly it just sucks sometimes. Know I am thinking of you and sending you peace and love!

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: September 11, 2020, 08:34:35 AM »
Chris, glad you got the book. One thing that my husband and I did that was huge for us was we read the books and work through them together. We would each read a chapter and about 3 times a week in the evening we would discuss it together and talk about anything that came up for us. I would journal about it, my husband not so much lol he isn't a journal'er and that is ok. It gave us a path to process slowly and in a way that lead to healing and health. It also gave us a common language to use. That is important because often I find that people will be arguing the same point but they use different wording to describe their point, lol, people are funny. So reading the same books together give wording and context that builds a common language. At the end of every discussion we would say 3 things we love and look forward to about each other. This is really really important. For myself when I focus on the past I feel a lot of hurt and resentment build. my husband tends to get filled with regret and shame. However, when we are looking forward we see hope, possibility and new. Listing things we love about the other person reminded us why we are doing this and it keeps us motivated and committed to the relationship. After a big discussion when you feel really raw ending on a positive note is really good.

It is not easy and there is a lot of hurt but I am so glad to see that you both are keeping at it! This will make your relationship stronger for sure! I know for myself I am not sorry or regretful about any of it now. I am glad that we are working through this and honestly this has made our relationship better than it ever was before. It is certainly not perfect and we still have our ups and downs but it is much better than anything I could have imagined! It is worth it!!! Keep up the good work!

12
Porn Addiction / Re: Recovery stats?
« on: September 09, 2020, 06:36:03 PM »
I also think gathering data like this would be difficult because there isn't really one set standard for "recovery" when it comes to porn and porn subs. Is isn't like "not taking a sip of alcohol". It is more difficult to measure something like this. Is it just not looking at actual porn? Does just looking at images of women in bathing suits count? It is all a slippery slope and the nebulous, I feel, not only makes it more difficult for good solid data but also more difficult to remove from your life as well. I think it is one of the things that makes this a very unique addiction. I would also be interested to see how many people with porn addiction have a more general addiction to technology as well. We don't know what effects all of this screen exposure will have on us long term but I would bet it's not all sunshine and roses, lol.


13
Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: September 03, 2020, 07:32:03 PM »
Glad to hear she is on the forum and getting support as well. Being a partner can be really difficult as well. This addiction isn't easy for anyone. As far as my husbands mood in the beginning I will say that we was pretty depressed. It took a bit for him to come out of it. The first month was awful! After that it went in swings. He would have a good few days but then a bad couple. By the end of the third month his mood wasn't all over the place. I will also say that my mood was pretty sad too so in no way was I a shining example of healthy mental capacity, lol.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: September 02, 2020, 04:49:15 PM »
Hey there, I am the wife of an addict. I wanted to offer a perspective form the other side of this. You seem to be really wanting to make this relationship work and I really commend you for being able to tell a few people in your life.

Coming clean is really difficult. My husband and I struggled with this a lot. I would really suggest the two of you sit down and set some boundaries around disclosure. Also since you do have a few people in your life who know and care about you and want to see you get better have you considered asking about an accountability partner? Your partner can't be your accountability partner. She is dealing with her own emotions and hurt and frankly is too close to this. You need someone who you can be open with about her and the difficulties you are having. I would recommend you connect daily with your AP (accountability partner). Doesn't have to be a long convo but just a simple did you look at porn or porn subs? Were you tempted? If yes what was happening then and what was the trigger? Someone who you can text if you are feeling tempted and they can be encouraging and keep you accountable.

As far as boundary setting an example that my husband and I now have is that he tells me everything that he can think of that is needing disclosure. If he forgot something than when he remembers it he discloses it. If he has a relapse or feels triggered he discloses and answers my questions. That gives me the chance learn as much detail as I am ready for instead of him questioning how much to tell me. Also he has 48hrs to disclose in. I understand the head wrestle that he goes through (he is a huge compartmentalizer as well but has come a long way!) and I know he needs time to go through that. Also I want to set him up for success in the ability to be honest and breaking through the fear. By asking him to tell me right away, if he is scared and trying to get the nerve and I stumble onto it before he can tell me than he feels defeated and I just feel more lies. It doesn't help anyone, so giving him a window of time to process allows him time to make a good choice. If disclosure comes after 48 hrs or if I find something and he didn't tell me then we have consequences. They are things that I have said I need to help me feel safe and secure in our marriage. Like him sleeping on the couch if he didn't disclose in the time window, or if he lied he needs to stay somewhere else until I feel ready to work at this again. We agree no matter where he sleeps we must talk daily about this until we feel better about the situation. Also we share an icloud acc and now a facebook acc. I see every photo taken on his phone and I see all his messages (and he sees all of mine since fair is fair). When home I have permission to look at his phone anytime I want, and he can look at mine. We both keep open and transparent. O and read together. That was so huge for us! Love you, Hate porn was such a great book! It gave us a language to work though and was really helpful

THose are just a few of the things that helped us a ton. I would encourage you to show your partner the partners forum. Also if you ever want to ask questions about anything I mentioned feel free. My hubby comes on here every once in a while. He is metal22. Our d-day was over 3 yrs ago. He struggled with PIED huge but has recovered. He was clean 3 yrs and then had a relapse during quarantine this year. We are back on track and doing better. It is possible to make your relationship work but it is not easy. Sorry for the long post and it is meant to be encouraging but if you don't want a partners perspective on your journal let me know and I won't post here no offense taken at all. I just recognized a heart that wanted to make a relationship work and as someone who has and is there I am happy to encourage as best I can.

15
Supportive wife, thanks for the response and man I cannot imagine going through this while pregnant. That would be a lot of emotion to handle so my heart really goes out to you.

As far as social media I think at first a complete removal is important. For addicts they need a period of time where they are just removed, like detoxing. When they get to a point where they are ready than I think trying to figure out how to live with these things and still make good choices is important but not without some time away from their addiction first. As far as support, for us we read books together. Love you, Hate porn was both of our favorite. Reading and discussing together helped us build a language of communication that had been amazing. Also he came on here frequently, especially in the first year. Now he tries to pop on when he can but he is really busy. (His user name is metal22 if you are curious, lol) Another thing he did that was really helpful was he started attending SA (sexaholics anonymous) groups. In our area they only had an "Anonymous" group for men and basically men with any addiction would go. He was really nervous his first meeting but honestly is was really great for him. He got to meet other men who where were being vulnerable and open about their struggles. He said he has never really felt judgement and it really is a safe space. All of the guys just want to encourage each other to be healthy. As a wife, I thought is was really amazing. It took a big load off my heart to know he has support from other guys and that I didn't have to be his only support because I am dealing with my own hurt. Maybe you have something similar in your area?

The reality was at the end of the day my husband hit bottom and wanted to change. This is not something that we as partners can force or control. He has to want to deal with this, all on his own he need to come to that conclusion. If not it will always be a roller coaster of hurt and drama. Heck it is still a roller coaster even with the willingness but I just feel like everything is a lot worse if they aren't interested in getting healthy. Just like any other addiction the addict need to accept that they are an addict. A lot of times that involves some kind of "rock bottom". If your partners hasn't hit that yet than you have to decide if you can really stick around for where ever his bottom is? And if you can mentally handle the process of him getting there? If not than you need to assess if this is a good relationship to be in. There is no right or wrong answer. If he has hit is bottom and is genuine about getting healthy and repairing the relationship than that is awesome. The road isn't easy but it is a lot easier knowing you can do this together.

16
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: September 01, 2020, 07:51:54 PM »
Things are good. Family is good and happy to report that my husband is doing really well. He continues to grow and learn more about himself and what is triggering and asking those difficult questions about why are these things triggers? What is it about them that makes me wants to act out? What is it that I feel l am missing or needing that I am not receiving? How can I get what I need from something less destructive? Why do I need _ in the first place?

We are both working on what things we need to feel content, safe, and secure in our relationship and family structure. We have been having these conversations and using this language with our kids and it is really great to see them pick it up! Just the other day our son was able to communicate that his feeling is such a great way. We are transitioning to public school for the first time (I know crazy time to do this but it was the right decision for our family) anyway he is in 7th grade and that is not an easy age. He is the only kid in his class that doesn't know anyone as all the other kids knew each other from last year. So for the first several days none of the kids would talk to him. One day I picked him up and he looked really sad. I asked him if he wanted to keep going to public school and he said yes, he understood this will take time. I asked how he was feeling and rather than saying something like "ok" or 'i don't know" he said he felt lonely and a bit isolated. He said when they are at lunch and he is just by himself it is really hard. Then he said he didn't like just sitting alone and doing nothing. I was going to ask a few more question but he beat me to the punch and said "I should bring a book! I am feeling lonely because I am just sitting there. If I had a book then I would have something to do and would probably not care of other kids talk to me or not" . The next day he brought his book as was happy as a lark. Two days later some kids asked him what he was reading and now he is making friends. I was so impressed that he was able to process and find a solution all on his own. Hopefully these experiences will help him later in life that he will be able to process and problem solve instead of try to used things to makes him feel better by masking or numbing his feelings. I hope he can just tackle them head on!

17
Yes he is doing very well and I would consider back on track. We are in an interesting situation currently. Relationship wise we are good but he has some real decisions to make. See with the world the way it is today everything is online. My heart really goes to any and all addicts because I can't even fathom how triggering this must be.

 Anyway our business pretty much requires him to be online. Facebook seems to be what everyone in this town uses as a communication tool. I am feeling really overwhelmed managing 3 different businesses and all of their social media needs while also doing everything else in my life. I have mentioned hiring someone else to the social media but the few people I talked to wanted a lot for it plus they wanted me to send them content. Well if I am going to do that I might as well just post the darn thing and save the cash. Anyway, I talked to my husband and explained the situation. He is always relying on me to tell him what is going on because he isn't using facebook. He acknowledged that it is a difficult situation and due in part because of his lack of self control. I admitted that I get a bit resentful because of this too. It is really hard. One of the things he has mentioned and has been pondering how to tackle is the realization that just not using social isn't really solving the problem, it is avoiding it and relying on other to do more work because of his lack if using it. He and I have been talking about how he can use social media in a way that is helpful and has stop gaps in place so if he is triggered he back out or at least has time to make a different choice. We have switched my Facebook account to a shared account (it has both our names on it). We are talking about sharing the accounts and maybe having him only access when he is at the desktop which is in a communal area of the house. He knows that having it on his phone is not something he is ready for.

At the end of the day I am glad to see he is figuring out and try to learn how to deal with this. By just not using social media he is just avoiding his triggers. He wants to learn how to live in a way where they are not longer triggers at all. I know this will take a long time but at least we are doing it together and he is communicating well.

18
 "because your are being cheated but not for a lack of love but for a lack of no self control by the offender."

I have to disagree on this. When a spouse/ partner with holds truth, physical intimacy, and honestly their affection as a result of this addiction they are withholding love... at the very least the expression of love which is what (as a partner) you receive. They are putting their time attention and priority of importance to their addiction higher than you. They are sacrificing their integrity and their moral character (assuming they are lying and hiding which is often the case) to protect and feed their addiction at the expense of the relatinship. While I agree self control is a huge part of it, it is not all of it.

19
Porn Addiction / Re: Recovery stats?
« on: August 22, 2020, 03:02:10 PM »
I have always been curious about the recovery rate in particular to addict in relationships. I wonder if the rate of recovery is higher when they disclose to their partner vs those who choose to not tell their partner. These are interesting things to think about but I have no idea how someone would get that info.

20
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: August 22, 2020, 02:58:00 PM »
Thanks Malando!

SO we are home and as always life just goes full speed. All good things so far. Getting away was wonderful. We had a cabin by the lake in northern Vermont. It was lots of hiking, swimming and the perfect socially distant vacation. There wasn't even much cell service or internet! No TV either! After months of quarantine and allowing slightly more screen time for our kids than we normally do it was great to have zero screens and some exercise. It is moments like these that makes to really happy we have stuck through life and the hurt to get to these places together. It is certainly not easy but so worth it.

21
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 14, 2020, 12:10:03 PM »
Things are good. Still working through this new normal of life but overall it is going well. My husband continues to impress me with how much intention and effort he is putting into real growth and healing. I am trying to do the same for myself. I am trying to learn more of where my judgments and hangup are and understand why they are there and push past them. Also trying to engage and teach these techniques to my kids in hopes that they can grow up to be a bit healthier than their parents, lol.

22
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 10, 2020, 09:06:10 AM »
Well quarantine has ended and we are feeling fine. No sickness or elevated temps or anything. My husband was up early and hit the ground running today. I think he is excited to just not be at home. He has a few jobs that are behind due to this whole thing so he is anxious about getting them done...plus not making money for two weeks is also a stress point. After all of the shut downs and having no income coming in then and now to have had to shut down again has made us start to dip into savings. If feels like when we are able to work we need to work as much as we can as the likely chance of being asked to quarantine again is high. Trying to weather this financial storm has been tricky but thankfully God seems to provide.

Thinking of taking the kids on a hike this evening. We have been socially distancing for some time and wear masks when we go to work or in public places but we talked about trying to avoid public places whenever possible from here forward. It will reduce our chances of coming into contact and getting quarantined again. So hiking is perfect, maybe with a picnic dinner or something. Tomorrow we are going to do a campfire in our back yard and have the neighbors over to roast smores. The kids are ecstatic. Overall life is good.

23
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 07, 2020, 09:39:55 AM »
Well life when in a completely different direction. We had met some friends for a beer and there we were exposed to Covid. We got a call a few days later and have orders to quarantine for 14 days. Our friend has been pretty sick but is doing ok. We were outside when we met and were socially distancing so I think we will be ok.  The order states we can not leave our property or we could face fines or jail. So we are here, lol. They deliver groceries, although their versions of healthy food is not what we are used to. They bring canned veggies and I am big on fresh veggies but hey these are small things in the grand scheme of things. Our kids are holding up ok. My husband is climbing the walls though. Not being able to get to the shop and work has been hard on him. He has been trying to do as much work around the house as he can but he really needs some things from the hardware store and he can't go, lol. In some ways I think this is good for him to learn to relax but I also understand that this is not easy for him and he is under a lot of stress. I have been trying to play peace keeper. Keep him motivated as best I can and keep the kids in good spirits too. I can definitely say that I have not been caring for myself as much through this but I feel like this is only for a short time and I can put in some good self care later. Right now I just need to keep the household going, calm, and a space we can all pleasantly reside in since we cannot leave, lol. Looking forward to doing some hiking when this is done and praying we all stay healthy. So far we are showing no symptoms of any sickness.

24
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 25, 2020, 03:10:12 PM »
Time just flies by. Things are going good. Not a lot new to report. Trying to figure out if we are going to make a change in our kids school for next year and covid is adding a bit of craziness to it. Nothing we can't handle. Overall life is good. Was planning a family getaway for the end of July. Going to a friends cabin in Vermont. It will be nice and quite. That should work well with the latest pandemic updates as we will be pretty socially distant, lol. Also looking forward to just getting out of town for over a week. I feel like a break would be nice. Other than that we have friends coming from out of town to stay with us for a week. It will be nice to catch up. Things with my husband are good. Life is good.

25
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 21, 2020, 05:55:42 PM »
Well I had to work this morning but our kids got to pamper my husband for fathers day. Overall it was a good day. I am glad that we have managed to sick it out and keep our family together. He may have his ups and downs but he is a good dad, he is a good husband, and he is a good person. I am glad to be doing life with him.

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