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Messages - Gracie

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: February 15, 2021, 09:22:09 AM »
I think something that is difficult to work with as both partner and addict go through in this situation is how important communication is in resolving the cycle that is in place.  I can only speak from my experience.   But my husband was living inside his head.  The more he watched the more he decided I did not want sex.  And he did not treat me as he did before.  The only time he hugged or kissed me was when he wanted sex.  He did not talk.  As an evening would go and I would go to bed, he would he wasn’t tired.  Then he would check and make sure I was asleep and have happy hand time.  And at least when he got in his fifties he found he could not have orgasms twice a day so he gave me up.  Because he thought I did not want sex.  He never asked, he never discussed it. When I would initiate, his response was did he miss a signal.   So after I discovered his use and we started this whole journey we sat down and figured it out.  SoI guess I would say ask her.  Ask in a way that you indicate you really need to talk.  It does help.

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: February 13, 2021, 05:27:11 AM »
Joe,
As we have said before, you have your opinion your wife has not been harmed by your use of porn.  And that is great!  However having messaged and observed the partners of addicts and being a partner myself, what I posted is the overwhelmingly common reactions of partners and indeed questions they have.  Read up on Betrayal Trauma it is real.  A great many men here over the years I have been on here have reached out to me to help understand their wife’s distress.  I am happy for you and your success.   But the majority do not have the experience you have had.

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: February 12, 2021, 06:28:04 AM »
Bob, you have been here a long time going through this and helping others.  I felt I could post those questions.  My purpose is not to freeze your thread.   But for every PA that has a partner,  these are the thoughts and questions that go through our head as a partner.  Are we somehow, supposed to retain, by magic, our 19 year old appearance?  I do not look my age, but I sure as heck do not look even close to 19.  I probably look 20 years younger than my age.  Is appearance all that matters?  If so for the men here, look in the mirror, have you changed?

When you talk about the sex being different.  Do you have fun sex anymore?  Or do you have a routine?  Do you have time for laughter?  Giggling even.  Compliments?  I love your?  Valentines Day is this weekend, jump off the cliff, switch it up.  Make us feel 19!

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: February 10, 2021, 02:00:38 PM »
Bob,

So that is where wives and partners feel less and less.  The fact that our partners search for “beautiful women”.  We ask ourselves, was there a time I was beautiful?  That I was his “it girl”?  Or was it all a lie?  If I was beautiful, when did it stop?  Is it because I aged?  Is it because I have lived life?  What caused the search?  When did I become not enough?   

He changed through the years.  I don’t go on these searches.  I thought we would grow old side by side.   

Just throwing thoughts out there for men to know how “the love of their life” may feel.  And questions that can run like water through our brain.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: Murgatroyd’s Journal – The Rest of the Story
« on: February 05, 2021, 03:45:36 PM »
This is good news indeed! Sometimes it is hard to find the right words.  And furniture rearranging for me involved getting a new bedroom set and removal of tv access in the bedroom.  Made a huge difference.

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: January 30, 2021, 09:18:28 PM »
Bob,
Great news indeed!  It is so good to read about your forward steps, and they are giant ones!  I miss that we do not have many partners on this site.  I also miss the PAs that we could talk to as SOs.  You are on the right path!   

7
Porn Addiction / Re: Am I In Denial?
« on: January 28, 2021, 10:29:58 PM »
Dear Mr. M,
Good for you giving up porn for whatever the reason.  As a partner, I can tell you that encouraging a husband to walk away from porn is a mine field in our brain.  For a long time quick worked because there wasn’t enough time for him to conjure up some seen before scenario.  And eyes open was something that was important.  As time goes on, some things calm down, some do not for us.  Staring at other women was not cool.  I still do not like it, because it was a thing for him.  And please know, you can tell us how gorgeous we are etc.  but if you have chosen porn for so long, we will feel we weren’t good enough, attractive enough etc.  Simply because we weren’t the only one.  Talking and communication are key.  I have read your article at the end of your comments.  Very interesting reading.  Last note, if your wife says she has pain, believe her.  And it is not always easy to find a doctor that listens and helps.  Hang in there!

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 24, 2021, 04:57:38 PM »
My husband and I simply agreed that every third night there would be sex as part of the re-connecting part of our journey to no more porn.  It took the guess work out.

9
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: The love & the struggle
« on: January 15, 2021, 10:48:02 PM »
A good starting point for boundary making is choosing a situation that if changed would make you feel more secure.  One that I set was that we went to bed at the same time and remained in bed together all night.  He would stay up and say he wasn’t tired so he could view porn.  So  that was one I needed.  Another boundary we agreed on was we slept naked.  So the first one, in bed all night, I chose.  The second we agreed together.  I chose we kiss goodnight, good morning, and goodbye.  Real kisses not pecks.  I needed to figure a way for me to re-connect.  I sometimes did not want to be around him.  So some boundaries were my own so I did not with draw.  Start with this see how it works.  Talking to each other is so important.   If it is hard, set a timer for 5 minutes.  And just talk.  Timer goes off, stop.  Little by little things change.  Good luck and peace!   Also when you talk and you are nervous, remember to breathe!

10
Porn Addiction / Re: Really Need the Old Guy Perspective
« on: January 15, 2021, 10:32:08 PM »
You might try the 40 and up section.  There are older people there.

11
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: The love & the struggle
« on: January 12, 2021, 10:30:01 PM »
First of all, know you are worthy.  You are worthy of love.  You are worthy of having someone care for and about you.  You have the ability to set boundaries.   Boundaries that help you feel loved, that help you feel secure.   Have the two of you discussed how you want your relationship to be?  Discussed steps for him that will show he is recovering?   It is tough to hang in while an addict changes.  But it can be done.   My husband and I are post recovery for a number of years.  You have come to the right place.  Keep posting and I will watch for you.

Peace and love

12
Women / Re: Surprise
« on: December 11, 2020, 10:51:46 PM »
Thank you! 

13
Hello Gracie here.  My number one recommendation is go to markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. This has information on porn addiction for both partner and addict.  It is designed to both give information and help couple get through.  It is called Love You Hate the Porn.  He and Geoff Steurer wrote a book of the same name.  The blog and book were life savers for me and my husband.   

14
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Looking for some insights
« on: September 26, 2020, 06:52:05 AM »
Like Aquarius I have been here a long time.  In fact I became a member from day one.  This is a hard walk for partners.  I thought I had married the one man that would walk beside me for life and that we both had the other topmost in our lives.  Then I discovered his porn use.  Oh my God did I feel gutted.  I do not know how I carried a conscious stream of thought.  That was several years ago.  So he was a little at a time revealer.  Kind of like water torture.  But once it was out, we began to heal and work on it as a team.  It was rough some days. But we were telling each other how we felt, what triggers there were.  We had been married 20+ years when I found out.  In some ways, I wondered if it was all a sham.  But we are on the other side.  There are some on here that say Don’t tell your partner about your use it will hurt, you can do it without them.  My husband and I are half of a whole unit.  Both halves have to work together.  They each need honest and open feedback.  No secrets.  I agree with you, we do not need to know explicit detail, but we do need to know.  Like Aquarius, you can PM me here and I will answer questions. 

15
Porn Addiction / Re: Thoughts on sobriety versus recovery
« on: June 16, 2020, 07:56:31 AM »
I too miss the vets from theses sites.  I was searching 10 years ago for answers as I discovered my husbands use.  I slogged in to the sites and asked questions, told them how it felt as a wife, how important a disclosure is, even with the pain it caused.  And it helped.  And I helped.  YBR got a little Wild West and mean. Then Gabe started this site.  It was great! Then we had attacks by men, responses by women that were pretty pointed and then most of the women left.  And on both sides I wonder how did it work out?  Are the people together? Divorced?  I think there is value in having people in for the long haul here.  Be they men or women.  And thanks to you all!

16
Our mental health does go down the tubes, no denying that!  A lot of men here choose to not let partners know, but that is important.  Then we can talk and help with solutions.   Boundaries are so important during this time.  Don’t ask him if he uses.  Tell him you know he is using and the signs you see and how it affects you.  Tell him what you need from him.  Then see how it works.

17
Well talk about sex.  Or choose to talk about porn.  Bring it up in a way that is just you talking.  Kind of like at age whatever, I saw porn the first time and I became very curious..  I kept looking at porn.  I did not realize the effects it could have.  Tell her some of the effects, the effects it had on you. Then, only if you truly want to stop, you can tell her you are trying to stop.  And then go from there.

18
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Wife of ST posting here
« on: May 04, 2020, 05:20:37 AM »
I have a couple of questions.  Are you able to read books oe websites we recommend?  Just checking so I can respond best.   I hate when anyone has to go through this pain.   We will be supportive here of you.   I am 9 years post d-day.  (The day I discovered his use). My journal is in women’s section. It is titled Surprise.  Let me know!  Peace!

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« on: May 04, 2020, 05:12:22 AM »
Metal,
It has been a while since you have been here.  And as I recall you were a little more open to women hooping in to your thread.  I think the hard part for us when we start working with our husbands through their addiction is all the things that trigger us.  Once we start down this path we become so damned hyper vigilant we are constantly receiving input to analyze for want of a better word.  The reason why is Porn snuck into our life like a thief in the night.   We didn’t know it was there until we found out.  We saw the signs, but thought our husbands would not turn away from us.  But then there it was.  The Secret that was kept.  So we worked hard to recover our sense of self, recover our marriage and move forward.  Then as our marriage and us and our husbands heal we start to relax.  But things trigger us.  After 8 or 9 years post d-day, I had to talk about an issue from then I had not talked about.  It was a decisionI made about yard work that hurt me immensely.  But we talked.  Talk to your wife.  Talk every day.  15 minutes just her and you.  Hold hand when you talk or some physical contact.  We women need communication.  We need reassurance.  We need love.  We need physical touch.  Caring touch not just sex.  Love to you Metal!  You can do this!

20
I have seen so many divorces here and at the other forum I was a part of.  I think that is the saddest part of this.  For me, it was different, I was older and the kids were on their own and we had grandkids..  Even though I got quite depressed and considered suicide, I ultimately decided I could not live without him.  So I set boundaries and an agenda that worked for me.  They were pretty strict.  I believe some of them are in my Journal—Surprise in women’s section.  But if someone wants to know just ask.  He and I read books together.  The best was Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for Love.  It is about communication.  We read it out loud to each other and then talked about what we read.   It helped reframe our talking about what happened how we felt and taught us ways to talk with each other as opposed to at each other.  It was the one with a teal cover not the red cover.  Getting my husband to understand truly betrayal trauma was important as well. That is allI got today.

21
Women / Re: Surprise
« on: May 03, 2020, 08:01:33 AM »
Gracie here!  Have not posted on this, my thread in 5 years. Wow!  Have stayed posting elsewhere though.  I read through and did not have palpitations once!  Major victory!

Had something pop up from the past.  We hen all this was discovered by me and we went through a couple of hellish years, I quit doing something that brought me great joy.  Taking care of my koi pond.  My husband asked the other day about the water circulation and I started crying.  I told him I stopped because I dressed in yucky clothes to take care of it and I did not want him to see me in those clothes. And then expressed sadness that I let him take that from me.  I was a sobbing mess.  8 or 9 years later.   I told him I was mad that I could not take care of it because of what happened.  Of course it took a year and a half before I would let him see me without make up after d-day.  So I guess sometimes you think it’s over and it’s not!   So dealing with resurfaced feelings!

22
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 03, 2020, 06:50:55 AM »
My husband and had a moment that brought the past tumbling down emotionally.   We have a koi pond.  I loved my koi pond. I was the one that landscaped it. Bought the fish etc.  Well I had neck surgery in the winter and the next summer I was limited in what I could do.  But slogged through.  Then in the fall I got frozen shoulder, and that brought me to a grinding halt.  Get that taken care of over the winter and then in May was d-day.  I have not done anything with the pond since that day.   It was our project.  I would put on old ratty clothes and have muck and algae on me etc.  I could not do it my self esteem was so low.  The other day, about four days ago my husband asked about the pond.  He never knew why as I didn’t tell him.  I just started crying.  He asked why and I said I loved the pond and the fish.  But I could never put on my pond clothes and look ugly again.  I did not wanting him thinking he needed a better looking person. And that I was mad at myself because I let him take it away.  I still don’t know if I can do it.  So many things even when we think it is over
and more comes. 

23
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 02, 2020, 08:03:58 AM »
Please know I am sending thoughts and strength your way.   I think once this goes on minimization is what allows our husbands to feel somewhat okay with what’s going on.  Be it porn, masturbation, chores, whatever.  It seems as though there was this part of them we did not know.  I see how you and The person me and I just are at how do we go forward?  Even without relapse, we are wore out keeping it all together.   This takes a toll .    Making no quick decisions is a very good plan!

24
I would echo Objectified’s comments.  It took over a year before sex was even workable.  We were older than 30s though as well.  He quit cold turkey.  Fortunately his was HBO and Cinemax Latenight not internet.  But it wrecked my trust and that is an important part of recovery for a couple as well. I am not overly suspicious but the blind trust is gone. (I had some trauma in my past which also affects this) That being said he reassures me every day.  Once he got past the sneak looks and leers, and totally committed to me the sex is great.  He says he is amazed at the sex in our 60s.  We are 9 yrs post d-day.  So commit to the relationship you are in.  He has said the porn made it appear I wasn’t interested in sex.  Once we were tuned in to each other Wow!

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
« on: April 29, 2020, 07:48:33 PM »
Wow Lyon great news!  I often wonder about some of the others.  So supportive of each other and also the partners!  And jjacks good to see you too!

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