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Messages - Erasmus_xlt

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: July 30, 2016, 12:35:27 PM »
Day 90!

First I would like to thank everyone for your encouraging words as I had to step away.  Although I am not actively posting here on a regular basis, I do peek in to see what is going on.  For many of you, we have been relating well and developing strong ties of support that I truly miss.

90 DAYS!  90 in numerology relates to FREEDOM!  Now, I'm not going to say I am free from my strugglejust yet, but I am more empowered to be free than ever.  After following through with some basics (internet filters, deletion of any sites I became a member of to act out, counseling, 12 Step group, and a realization of how much of a problem this really is) I was feeling that I had a good plan in place.  I don't feel like I am ready to publish a success story as yet, but I will relate some things that I have found helpful:

1.  The first thing that I had to realize was how hopelessly and utterly powerless I am to do this on my own.  Years of addiction and multiple attempts to stop in my own power showed me how little ability I had to succeed by sheer will power.  My brain had been rewired so much and was so dependent on the chemical cocktail that had become my elixir of choice that it would do everything in its power to ensure I did not stop.  I was so wrapped up in sexual acting out.  When I stopped doing that, I turned to streaming porn.  When I withdrew from porn, I lusted and fantasized.

2.  I realized I needed something bigger than me to win this battle.  Whether it was my wife (I had already failed there once), a small group (very hesitant to participate in a group), or with an individual (when forced to do so) they all lacked the power to make the difference.  This was bigger than all of us.  I had to turn to my God as I understood him to have victory over my self.

3. I had to let someone else have control.  I had already ruined my family and was working on losing another one.  I couldn't think clearly and my work was suffering.  My body and mind were betraying me.  I had to get myself out of the way and let God direct my life.

4. When confronted with temptation, I began to pray, "Lord, let me find in You whatever it is I desire from this woman I am lusting after.". That alone would immediately redirect my thinking.  However, I do now find myself lusting for a physical relationship with my wife and that is a problem.  It is a problem because I have come to realize that it is borne out of my selfishness my addiction more than my love for her (and, I love her very much).

Stay strong, sober and vigilant.  You can win this struggle I'd you have a big enough reason.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My 12-Step Journey
« on: July 07, 2016, 04:39:49 AM »
This post will not be continued by me.  I've been told to leave RN by the counselor I see after a joint session with my wife.  If anyone else would like to post their own journey here, please feel free to do so.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: July 07, 2016, 04:32:18 AM »
I'd like to thank everyone for your comments.  It does come down to taking time to focus on getting myself straight and being in this for the long haul.

Unfortunately, my wife and I saw the counselors together yesterday and it has been strongly recommended that I not post here anymore. So, with this being my farewell post after losing this battle, I face future without an outlet like this.  I was told to use SA to vent, but that isn't the same, right?  I can't say everything there that I can say here in a group of anonymous people that my chances of meeting are slim to none.  Besides, their failure rate is the same as people in here.  Oh well.  At least it will keep the arguments at bay. Oh, and I will most likely be celibate for quite a while longer after that meeting... months longer.

To the Nation , I wish you all a good fight.  Even if you are not part of Sexaholics Anonymous, you can use those steps to chart your journey to sexual responsibility.  Above all, protect your mind, heart and soul.  May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: July 05, 2016, 05:05:33 PM »
Day 66.  Hardest day yet, but still victorious.

I awoke today with a headache, a stiff neck and a sore lower back.  I am angry at the state of my marriage and that I can't fix it. I'm lonely even though my wife and I are in the same house.  And, I am tired and sleepy; even with my CPAP, I haven't been sleeping well.  HALT busted wide open.

I had a temping thought but I thought about where I want to be with my wife and abou making love to her and I was good.  (I was encouraged that I could be tempted and not sin.) I don't know when that will happen again but I hope not too far into the future.  My ninety days will be over by the end of the month.  I'd love to make love with her on her birthday at the end of the month.

I had an appointment with the VA mental health and got my Prozac cancelled.  My blood pressure was 140 something over 80 something (translate: high).  Otherwise, fairly uneventful.

I've been trying to get the 90 in 90 and right now I have 5 of 7 days covered.  I need to figure out the phone meetings  for two or three days.  I am also working on getting a sponsor.

So that's my update.  Onward to a better life because of a better me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: July 04, 2016, 09:36:58 AM »
@Balanced - UrGonnaDealWithMeNow was probably logged on my Google account when I posted that remark.  I am surprised that hasn't happened more often.

Ages 40 and up / My 12-Step Journey
« on: July 04, 2016, 02:06:31 AM »
Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based 12-step program similar to Sexaholics Anonymous.  The program is comprised of 12 Steps and 8 Principles that are based on the Beatitudes.  I will begin by posting the twelve steps and then attempt to cataloge my progress through them.

Here are the 12 Steps:
1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18
2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13
3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1
4 We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.Lamentations 3:40
5 We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.James 5:16
6 We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.James 4:10
7 We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.1 John 1:9

8 We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.Luke 6:31
9 We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.Matthew 5:23-24

10 We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!1 Corinthians 10:12
11 We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.Colossians 3:16
12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore them gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.Galatians 6:1

I don't know if my Journey down this road will help anyone else, but feel free to comment if you'd like.  We must recover in our own way.  This path seems to go in the right direction for me in helping me to turn away from porn but also turning to a life of vulnerability, strength and intimacy.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: July 03, 2016, 11:26:15 PM »
@Gracie, I agree with the premise, but in practice it has not worked out that way for me.  I may continue doing it because it is a help for me, but I will always have to consider the side affects to others who may read my blog and feel that they have to take exception to it.

@Balanced, it's not that blogging does not work for me.  In all actuality, blogging has been very beneficial to me as it helped me to fully articulate my thoughts.  The problem is that someone else would rather criticize my blog posts instead of writing their own.  Imagine having a diary and every time you wrote in your diary, someone close to you would read it and made negative comments about it.  It kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a diary...

July 3, 2016
.I am working with a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery.  I am also attending SA meetings.  My therapists has recommended that I complete 90 days of meetings in 90 days and according to what I have seen online, that is a common recommendation and it usually has beneficial results.  I am working on online meetings still but I have Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday covered with face-to-face meetings.I will probably end up keeping the Monday, Tuesday and Saturday meetings but all the rest will probably become on-line meetings.
I plan to start a new blog as I journey through the 12 steps.

As far as my life goes, my wife and I are still in separate rooms.  We haven't participated in the act of marriage in more than 4 months ( partly due to her recovering from surgery, the rest is because of me and porn).  I have also put myself on a 90 day fast from sex as a means to give my body a break (might as well turn a negative to a positive).

When we try to talk, it often ends with me walking away after a while.  I don't do screaming and yelling well and I shut down when profanity is used.  I mean, I try to stay engaged, but its the beginning of the end for me.  It's not just with her, the same thing happens at work; people start using profanity and I don't hear much more after that.  If I don't walk, I may erupt in a blind rage and have no idea what I say during those periods.

I'm hoping that we can reconcile, but I have less and less hope as time elapses.  I don't know what that might mean for the future, but it looks more and more bleak.  I know its only been four months.  But, if I am expected to make drastic changes in a limited time, why shouldn't I expect the same?  How about any changes?  I guess I need to focus on being happy with myself whether we are husband and wife or just housemates as we are now.    We will see therapist this week.  Maybe we will make progress there.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 29, 2016, 05:55:38 AM »
60 days free from porn.

The number 60 in Biblical numerology is associated with pride.  The scripture says that "Pride goes before destruction...".  I take that as a warning to not be prideful of reaching 60 days free from something that has destroyed so much.  While it is an accomplishment of note, it's merely a drop in the bucket of the rest of my life.

Pride is a large part of why I am in this situation in the first place.  Too much pride to tell someone about what was happening to me as a child.  Too much pride to talk to someone about what I was feeling.  Too much pride to tell my wife what was going on with me.  Too much pride to admit my wrong and come clean.

Yes, there is a place for good pride - pride of accomplishments.  But pride taken to excess or false pride when accomplishing something I should not be doing anyway is NOT a good thing.  I resent the years and relationships I have lost.  And yet, I am glad to be on a path of personal improvement.

Here's to another 60!

Ages 40 and up / Re: The Renewing of my Mind
« on: June 29, 2016, 05:35:53 AM »
Congratulations on making 50.  You made it to your first Day of Atonement; your first Jubilee.  Debts are forgiven, slaves are set free.  You know what it is like to be in bondage to pornography no more.  The draw of the sin is weaker.  Your faith, your love and your resolve is stronger.  You know what is behind you and the path before you.   You know what it takes to be successful and how not to fail. 

Be sober.  Be strong.  Be vigilant.  Your adversary is...

Porn Addiction / Re: going beyond porn
« on: June 28, 2016, 05:49:29 AM »
Congratulations on your reboot.  As you know, the struggle is real.  I have read through the last page of your log which chronicled your last reboot and latest string of success. 

You are now at the days of the rebellious brain.  The withdrawal symptoms are your constant companion.  You are entering the period where your body will bring up all the old feelings that drove you to your addiction previously.  If you don't have a plan to confront yourself, you will again succumb to the draw of Lust's siren song.

Who can you call when the urges are present? 
Who is your accountability partner that won't let you get away with your excuses? 
When temptation calls out to you, do you go one defensive or do you recognize it for what it is, love yourself anyway and remind yourself why you are quitting your addiction?
Is your reason why really big enough to motivate you to succeed?
What are you turning to, rather than just turning away from porn?  The football and other activities are good, but what are you doing to stimulate your mind?

These are some of what I have learned that have helped me.  I'm not where I want to be yet and have a long way to go on my journey.  But, commenting on other rebooter's blogs is one of the activities that helps me also.  We all share the same journey.  Let's help each other succeed.

Be strong, be sober, be vigilant.  Your adversary is...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 27, 2016, 10:17:57 PM »
@Chip, I appreciate your encouragement and support.  I am blessed to have you as a brother in this time.  Your thoughtful words are a reflection of your tender heart.  I pray that you have the success you long for and the intestinal fortitude to say no when necessary.

Read an article about intimacy today after attending a Celebrate Recovery meeting.  It talked about the fact that emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. Well, that explains why I don't know much about intimacy: until very recently, I resisted being vulnerable to anyone - including my wife.  Early on, I called myself being vulnerable by basically dumping my past on her.  I guess I was trying to explain what she was getting into, but I minimized it also.

The article also suggests ways to provide for intimacy.  it mentions that you can focus on showing unconditional acceptance (non-judgementality), genuineness and understanding (empathy) through your own behaviour.  My question is, "How do you do that in an authentic way?". While I tested high for IQ, I recognize that I am emotionally illiterate.  However, I am not emotionally stupid.  I understand the words but, I feel like she is going to think I'm faking when I try to that part of me.  I don't want to fake - I've done that for too long already.

 The article also says that you can further build intimacy through your own emotional transparency.  It's hard to be emotionally transparent when you don't really know what you are feeling.  I've spent too long numbing myself against feeling that it's hard to accurately describe what I am feeling.  I hope I am getting better.

I saw something that fit this recently:. The first 3 seconds are awareness of your surroundings.  Anything longer than that is feeding your carnal nature.

I'd have to agree with so many others.  You're not married.  He has no desire to change.  He's put no effort into changing.  He doesn't even care enough to hide his tracks and what he may have for you may be infatuation but is definitely not love.

You would be well served to draw a line and give him an ultimatum:. Get help or get gone.  Personal experience tells me that until he has hit the bottom of himself, he will not quit.  From what I understand in your post, he is no where near that - he doesn't even value you over his fantasy world.

I think you are at a point where you could benefit from some professional help also.  You are in a situation where you are devalued and emotionally abused.  I know, because that's what we addicts do.  Furthermore, he seems to be pretty far gone.  If he is not wanting to even make a good attempt at change, what do you think will happen 3, 5 10 years down the road.  Your codependency will only fuel his addiction.

Please take a stand.  If you love him, let him go.  If the returns (after getting help), then he's yours.  If he doesn't, then he was never yours in the first place.


Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 26, 2016, 07:42:24 AM »
I've been busy with life and an over-abundance of meetings and not able to post as regularly as I had been.  My therapist has recommended that I do 90 meetings of SA in 90 days.  I have found several meetings in town, but I will try to figure out how to do some of them online.

My wife and I are talking and making progress.  She has been asked about taking a promotion at work also.  My wife continues to impress me and I love her very much.

While 40 days and 50 days were significant milestones along my journey, they are merely that: milestones.  When you are traveling to infinity and beyond, it helps to see the signposts along the way.

One thing that I have been considering as I have listened to the stories of other people is that mine is a bit different.  Most seem to be addicted to the people that they see.  My addiction is more to the act.  I think this is because I was exposed to the act of sex at an early age and because I resisted forming attachments to people because of all the traveling.  That also may help me understand why I am big in doing things and not just being or feeling.  I will have to explore this train of thought more.

In any event, I'm still working on making  deeper connection with my wife as I am learning more about true intimacy with God. Reading my Bible and reading my wife are two of the biggest adventures right now.  I've read the Bible completely several times now.  I've learned a lot ABOUT God but I feel that I don't really KNOW God.  Likewise, I know ABOUT my wife but am only now getting to KNOW who she really is.

I'm starting to enjoy the Journey.  I have much further to go. I have much learning to do. I know it's early yet, but the addiction is behind me.  Intimacy is before me.  Emotional education is here and now.  The kid I was stuck at is growing up.

Stay strong, stay sober, stay vigilant.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 25, 2016, 05:54:48 PM »
Day 30: Unsubscribe or else

Not what I expected, but Mark offers continued email if you do not unsubscribe. I look forward to seeing what else he has to offer.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 25, 2016, 05:52:03 PM »
Day 29: Notice What's Different

Do It: Consider the Impact

You've put in some valuable time and energy over the last month. It's time to evaluate the return you've received for your investment.

So, the idea is to consider the last 30 days and note the impact of the Love Heals Porn program.

I would have to say that I have learned about myself and about what love should look like through this program.  I have also shifted my focus away from NOT doing porn but to LOVING God, my wife and others.

It has been noted that there were days that I did not put as much effort into the activities as others and that is true.  However, my intention is to commit to accomplishing this program again at a later date.

I will add that I have realized that in retrospect, this program has benefited me by giving me something positive to do on nearly a daily basis.  I am glad it was brought to my attention.  I recommend it for everyone that is truly recovering from sex/porn addiction.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:53:20 PM »
Day 28: Walk to Heal

Do It: Take a Healing Walk
Attune: Put your hand(s) on your heart as you start walking and now and then throughout your walk to help settle your mind and connect inwardly.
Shift: Let the rhythm of your body movements slow you from a thought-oriented mode of perceiving to a more heart-oriented mode.
Sense: Notice sights, sounds, and smells. Tune in to the feel of your limbs moving, the ground under your feet, and the movement of the air against your skin (which you'll notice even when it's not windy).
Feel: Check in with what you're feeling emotionally. Perhaps there are events or interactions from the day that have you a bit stirred up. If so, commiserate a bit with yourself about your feelings.
You might turn your walk into one or more of these:

A listening walk. Notice what, specifically, you hear. After noticing one sound, set that one aside and listen for another. Keep this going for a minute or so.

An appreciation walk. Take in the beauty and relish the scenery. Even in an urban area there is a lot to enjoy. After you savor the singing of the birds for a minute, be on the lookout for the next thing to appreciate--like that reflection of the clouds and gray sky in that standing water in that gutter.

A gratitude walk. Consider the various people and experiences in you're life for which you are thankful, and why. As you think about each, put your hand(s) on your heart and look heavenward as a reflection of your appreciation.

Ok.  I don't walk any more than I have to.  I have broken my neck in three places, , messed up my knee in the same motorcycle accident and am about 80 pounds overweight.  I also have flat feet.  I don't walk and definitely do not run unless I have to.

With that in consideration, I walked down the hall at work and thought about this activity.  I was excited during the walk because my wife and I have been communicating more as of late.  I am listening better to not just hear her words but to sense what she is feeling.  I find that I am appreciating her more than ever.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:50:22 PM »
Day 27: Forgive the younger You Who Got Hooked

Do It: Forgive the Younger You Who Got Hooked

Now take a couple of minutes and imagine saying to your younger self, if you can do so sincerely, any of the following that fit:

"I completely get why you got caught up in this stuff. It was so exciting to you and you didn't see all the risks, even though you felt guilty and knew there was a downside."

"You are a good kid! (Or young man, or middle-aged man.) You're a wonderful person. This doesn't change any of that."

"You're not alone. Lots of guys find pornography very compelling and get caught up in it."

"The sexual side of you is beautiful and wonderful, don't you ever think otherwise just because porn can be a dark influence."

"I've learned since that first hook experience that this material is more sticky and difficult to deal with than it seems at first. It's downright addictive. I know now that it needs to be handled differently than it seemed I could get away handling it back then."

"I've also learned that the best way to get through struggles of all kinds is not by hating myself, but by loving myself. From now on I will be working differently with you."
"And I want to start by forgiving you. I'm not going to hold this against you anymore or hate you for it. I want to love you and help you love and accept yourself, even though you got caught up in porn.

"I'm involved in a program to help me learn to have more self-compassion. It will take some time, but I commit to you that I will follow through until I'm better at it and I can consistently enjoy more inner peace."

I highlighted the one that meant the most to me.  It's too easy to be categorized as my mistakes only and throw out the good in me.  I believe I am a good person at heart that does evil things.  The converse (evil person that does good) is not and cannot be true.  Otherwise, there is no hope for change.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:30:55 PM »
Day 26: Challenge The Brainwashing

Today I am supposed to see through the false ideals I have toward women:

What beliefs does that part of you hold about sex, women, and relationships?
 I think THAT part of me believes that sex is something that men and women really enjoy doing with each other as often as possible. A woman should do all she can to sexually please her man and turn her man on sexually.  Men should give their woman as much attention and sexual pleasure as possible so that she feels fulfilled and appreciated.

THAT part believes that women are the junior partner to the man and someone for the man to care for and to be the knight in shining armor.  He supplies for her while she takes care of the home and his needs.

In relationships, THAT part believes that the man is the lead and the woman influences that lead.  He may be the head but she is the neck that turns the head.  THAT part doesn't know much about intimacy.  They both live their lives and intimacy is another word for sex.

What experiences were influential in shaping those views?

My view were shaped by watching the way my parents interacted , early exposure to porn and also by old-fashioned church doctrine.  Somehow, my mind tried to create a synergistic viewpoint with all of those influences that made sense.

How has your involvement in porn helped shape those views?
My involvement with porn included literature of the Penthouse variety that had women as sexually active as men.  The women were all teasing and pleasing the men in very forward and flirty ways. I always thought the women were really enjoying what the men were doing when it came to sex.  I also always thought that if a man could bring maximum pleasure to the woman, he would receive back maximum pleasure.  As it looks, maybe I should have read some of the Harlequin variety of erotic novels too...(jk) Unfortunately, although more of a woman's point of view, it still fantasy and not reality.

If it were another person who had these beliefs--someone you love who's younger and misinformed--how would you treat them? How might you mentor and enlighten them?
I would start them on the correct path of true intimacy.  Teach them about really getting to know their wife.  That they should teach each other about love and making love and not using porn.  Use all of their senses to get to know everything about all of each other.  Treat each other as partners and learn from each other.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 20, 2016, 12:28:06 PM »
Day 25: It's Your Energy Reclaim It!

Do It: Reclaim Your Energy

Put one or both hands on your heart and think ahead about when you might next be tempted. Commit now to exert yourself at that time in some way that fits for you.

Now imagine that you're in the midst of a potent temptation right now. Take a couple of minutes and go on a brisk walk. If the weather is prohibitive, walk up and down the stairs in your home or workplace a couple of times.

Brian over at Reboot Blueprint adds the following alternatives for when potent cravings hit: Push ups, sit ups, yoga, Pilates, and Tai Chi, and progressive relaxation. Go check out his article for more info on those.

Lately, I've been cleaning in the house and trying to work outside or in the garden to not have time to decide where to direct my energy.  I haven't been bored or lazy, and so far it's working.its been very easy to not fight temptations because I have not been allowing myself to get into situations where the temptations tend to arise.  And, when I am in other emotionally charged situations, I have not been considering porn as a crutch.

I do like the idea of exercise and God knows I need to do some.  My wife and I have talked about cutting the DirectTV and using that for a gym membership.  Think I'll call that in when I'm done with this.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: June 20, 2016, 12:16:31 PM »
Day 24: Get Hooked on Generosity

The actionable item for this day is doing acts of kindness towards others.  Funny this should come up.  I've spent the last week or so helping someone out that was trying to get their life back together.  A former drug addict that was even on Intervention.  After a whirlwind of a weekend, I helped him catch a bus on Saturday because things weren't working out for him here.

He was very grateful for my help and claimed that I was the only one he could trust for help.  While I don't believe that to be true, it was good to bee able to help someone out.  My wife knew what I was doing and also met him.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 19, 2016, 06:32:26 AM »
50 days porn free and now, it's not all about me.

I'm at a point where I am realizing that only thinking about me and my problem is keeping me in a grave with the ends kicked out (a rut). To move on, I have to think also about my wife and our relationship.

I will continue to work on me because I'm a work in progress.  But, I will endeavour to become a relationship expert, an intimacy expert and an expert about my wife.  I was directed to this blog from the Partners area and found it to be insightful:

Hopefully, it will help those of us on my side of this issue to better understand what our actions have done to our partners.

Another article with additional links:

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 19, 2016, 05:17:59 AM »
50 days without porn.  50 days without a crutch.  I'm still standing.

The number 50 is important in Biblical numerology.  In the New Testament, the Holy Spirit was given to Christians 50 days after Jesus arose from the dead on the Day of Pentecost.  The Holy Spirit is the supernatural guide and comforter given to empower Christians in God's work and to escape temptation.

The number 50 also represents freedom and deliverance.  Every 50th year is a year of Jubilee for Israel.  In that year all depts are forgiven and all inheritances are returned to the debtor.  This happens on the Day of Atonement during the Year of Jubilee.

Looking at these two together (there are other references for the number 50), we have forgiveness from our sins and the Holy Spirit to guide us on our journey to keep us from temptation.  As a Christian, that is a big deal.  However, the Holy Spirit guides and leads.  He does not force or coerce us to do anything; He is the small voice telling us"no".

Last night, I dreamed (I don't normally dream or I don't remember dreaming, but lately I have been) that I lapsed and binged on porn for hours. I had a second dream where someone posted a picture of a naked woman with short hair.

I think I had these dreams because my wife and I talked about what makes this time different than other times.  We also talked about when she previously had short hair.  It's amazing how the mind works.  I don't try to put much meaning into these; just crazy tidbits of information the brain is mulling over as I am going to sleep.

But, a significant part of my reasoning for avoiding porn is my wife.  The biggest part is my relationship with God.  I trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me out of temptation and deliver me from this evil.  And, that He will comfort my wife and heal our relationship.

May this be a Day of Atonement and Jubilee for many others when you reach 50 days.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 18, 2016, 05:28:26 AM »
I just read this statement in someone else's blog:

Yes, my wife is an incredible blessing. I've thought alot about the power of my relationship with my wife as I have worked to change my life to one without PMO and eliminating other facets of the addiction. I believe that she, and the relationship we have, were the reasons that created the urgency and resolve to change. That was essential in the early months. At some point, something changed and we became partners in this journey, and no longer was I motivated by potentially losing her, but I am motivated by becoming the kind of man she deserves.

He was fortunate to have had many years of building a solid relationship with his wife before porn became a problem.  Unfortunately, I did not have that luxury.  My wife feels that I have wasted the 5 years of her life and is really struggling to find something to build on for the rest of our life together.

I think she is getting to where we can build a marriage that is strong.  Where we can both be nurtured by it.  But, we both recognize the importance of having counseling to get us through. Even in her anger, my wife helps me.  I look forward to when we are constructively build our marriage together without the flaw of pornography affecting me and ultimately her.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: June 18, 2016, 05:08:29 AM »
I have always known that one of the best ways to learn something is to teach others.  I became a better sax player when I taught music at a private high school.  I became a better preacher when I taught Bible classes.  I became a better handwriting analyst when I taught others to be analysts. I became a better dog trainer when I started training other people's dogs.

So, one of the things I have engaged in is commenting in other people's blogs.  It helps me get outside of myself.  It strengths my resolve because I am not just thinking about me and I am repeating the principles over and over to help others as well as myself.

It's not because I know more than everyone else.  But if I can help someone then I help myself. There are plenty of people with more success at this than me.  I read them also so that I can get to where they are.

 I'm still learning on the relationship side of things.and gladly welcome sound advice in this arena. I appreciate the comments I receive from the community.  I especially glean wisdom from SOs of PAs  that have reignited the passion in their lives.  Learning to love and be loved is of utmost importance to me at this juncture in my life.

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