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Messages - Insomniacfapper

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: February 25, 2021, 11:34:05 AM »
This is technically day 19, but not much anymore until 20.

Things have gone rather smoothly. To be completely honest, this is day 20 of no orgasm. Yes, I have been looking at porn, but this is my reboot, so I'll let it slide. I know it's a slippery slope, but so far I have not slid off the track and I do intend to completely ditch porn. I'm not telling you to half-ass your reboots, I'm just being hoest.

I watched the video by Gabe and he told that the main mistake we make is just fight the addiction, without actually building the life that we want to have. And it's in this department that I've been kind of slacking off. I'm doing school stuff, and the assignments seem endless, but in fact I am not far from achieving an important mid-goal. Just gotta keep chipping at it and all that.

I have been thinking that I need to put my life in order. I don't mean porn, I mean my actual life. And I've recognized that there are many things that aren't the way they should be, I'm talking about my emotional well-being. The way I interact with other people. The thoughts I think. I've come to realize that I tend to go to porn when life gets difficult. But recently I've been journaling, and I hope it helps. I've been thinking about starting to go to therapy. There is no one else for me to talk about my life plus I do not want to burden my near and dear ones. In theory, I should be able to figure out all the stuff on my own, and maybe I will. Therapists are not God-sent, they are human beings. But maybe they could help, I don't know. There's the thing that I don't want people to find out I'm going to therapy and my life is such that they inevitably will find out.

I've also been thinking about what it is that I should achieve after a successful reboot. Most of the answers are that you should become a sex machine with the ability to have sex literally all night, and having unbelieveable "stamina". I find this interesting, to say the least. Me, I personally just wish to be able to achieve an erection with a normal flesh and blood female, without having to feel that I need to be able to have sex until we both hurt. Well, okay, I exaggerated a lot; these are just some thoughts going through my head.

Over and out. Talk to you on day 30.

2
Hello,

Because Blue Coat got merged with Symantec (the one that makes Norton antivirus). The merger happened on Aug 1, 2016 according to Wikipedia. But I bet the program is still operational, should you have the installation file. I don't know whether it's being updated or maintained, I doubt it is.

EDIT: Never mind, I see you prefer "Ironman Mode" and not using blockers, which is completely fine. For me personally, I sometimes have a moment of weakness, and it's good having an obstacle between me and a relapse...


3
I told about my addiction to my mother, too. I don't think she was mad or too embarassed, but she didn't understand the severity of my problem. She just hinted that it is okay to masturbate, if you don't over-do it.

I regret telling her, because for me it was embarassing. Come to think of it, I achieved nothing with telling her. I told her because I was going through mania (I have bi-polar disorder, which was diagnosed soon after those events) and I thought if I open up about stuff, everything bad will go away. Well, that's not what happened. I'm not advising you to clam up, but I just learned to keep my mouth shut. But one of the symptoms of manic episodes is that you become overly talkative and you have no sense of shame or you forget what's socially acceptable and what isn't.

But it was nice reading your journal, I wish I could be happy like you and enjoy stuff more. At present, I actually do feel like I'm emotionally clammed up, but I hope that being aware of the fact helps.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: February 18, 2021, 10:33:04 AM »
Today is day 15 of no porn. During some of these days, I have looked at porn but have not masturbated. So things are going rather great. I think the hardest part is getting past three days, but I've managed to do that and everything's looking good. Next update will be day 20, then day 30. I've got a 33 day streak to beat, but I'm positive that I will beat my record.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: February 07, 2021, 01:38:00 PM »
Progress so far

longest streak of no PMO: 7 days
shortest streak of no PMO: 2 days
now: will soon reach day 2

Random quote from a song that fits my (and I think all of our) situation well: 

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: December 30, 2020, 09:55:04 AM »
Day one of no porn, nothing else to add. Will give a weekly progress report every Sunday.

7
I'm using Cold Turkey Blocker, the Pro version. It's a time-based blocker, you create a block-list, and add websites to it. There are many ways of blocking (there is Pomodoro mode which means you do 40 mins of work and then have a 20 min break). I usually lock my block-lists, this means that I cannot disable the block until the time runs out. I created a block-list for porn and set the lock for 12 months, of which 9 months remains as I'm writing this. So be cautious before activating longer blocks as there literally is NO WAY of disabling it. Sure, you can circumvent it, but not by "attacking" the blocker itself. Bear in mind that there is a 1000 website limit, so you can only have 1000 websites blocked on one block-list. You could create another block-list for the rest of the porn websites, but according to the developer, having more than 1000 websites blocked at any given time will slow your browser down. The block-list that was included for porn, had around 500 sites so I added all the rest by hand. If anyone wants, I can share the block-list that that I created for myself. It has pretty much all the popular sites and also the less popular porn sites.

In my opinion, Cold Turkey Pro is the best blocker and I've been using it ever since K9 Website Blocker was discontinued.

NB! I'm not affiliated with Cold Turkey Blocker in any way, shape or form.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: November 26, 2020, 07:57:14 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement, zander.

33 days is the longest I've been without porn. And in addition to that, I was MO free for over 3 months. I had some health problems that masturbation made worse, but since it resolved I sort of thought "Why not masturbate, it won't hurt". From there it went to watching porn. And I also deviated from my habit of turning off my wifi router just once, which again lead to watching porn. My phone also has an app to disable all functions for two hours. I could have used that, but I didn't. But it's a good panic button when the urges get strong. Someone's motto on this forum was "It's not giving up porn that is hard. What's hard is accepting that you have given it up for good" or something along those lines. It really hit home, because when you quit it, you just can't go back. Porn has been the only joy of my life. It's the only thing that's always been there for me. I know I need to grow as a person, become more self-confident but sometimes it feels like it's taking an eternity. When I was PMO free, I did have that small boost of confidence, I could look myself in the eye without thinking "You miserable wanker". I want that feeling back.

My goals:

- Morning wood
- Being able to get and maintain an erection without porn 

9
Success Stories / Re: Made it to 90 Days!
« on: November 25, 2020, 04:21:25 PM »
Thanks for the update. I made it to 33 days of no porn, but then relapsed. Today marks day one of no PMO for me. I relapsed because I allowed myself to deviate from my routine. I'm also a bit worried about not being able to experience morning woord, but reading this I understand it'll just take longer. I've watched porn since I was 12 and I've never experienced morning wood and so I've began to be used to the fact that there is simply something wrong with my penis and that I simply cannot experience it, but your update gave me hope.

Thank you very much and all the best! :)

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: November 24, 2020, 06:54:07 AM »
Lasted to day 33. Have since had numerous relapses and have watched porn. Going to start over today.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: October 12, 2020, 08:47:55 AM »
Yesterday marked day 31 of no porn. I have been MO free for 4 months soon. Nothing else to report, really. Another update to follow in a month. Maybe.

EDIT: I've had very few urges during these days, possibly because I've kept busy. I've also seen some provocative pictures, that is, the viewing has been unintentional, and I have not had any urges. No, wait, I tell a lie: I was using my tablet and saw I had favorited a porn site on the tablet's pre-installed, little-used browser. It was the site of a porn star. I remember that I had to make a conscious decision that I will not open the website. Other than that, I have seen provocative content, as I said above, but I it has been only for a few seconds and it has not turned me on. What's more, I don't get that feeling of losing control that I used to get when I still watched porn. Even the slightest sexual hint would lead to me turning to hard-core porn. Not always, but most of the times. So this feeling that I'm not easily provoked into watching porn feels great. Something which has helped me reach this point is the fact that I do not have a mobile broadband subscription. This is crucial to my succeeding, and turning off my wifi router every night I go to sleep has become a ritual of sorts. Because I know that once I press the button to turn off the router, I'm safe.

I initially thought this would be a short update, but there you go.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: September 26, 2020, 03:03:16 AM »
I'm writing again because I'm currently alone and I'm having some urges.

The urges are strong. Or if not strong than they are persistent. Yeah, that's more descriptive. The want is there and I can't negotiate with it. The urge wants to have it's way. So the only way of dealing with it is thinking what it is that I want and that's what I've done. The thing I want is sex, obviously. But the urge is telling me to look at a screen. That doesn't make any sense at all!

I read on this forum some years ago that watching porn is like wanting a hamburger. You look at the hamburger, instead of going out and getting it and eating it. And it's a very good analogy. Here's mine, based on it: you're hungry. Instead of going to the fridge, you go on the internet, and look up images and videos of food. You feel the urge to eat, but instead of doing that, you binge on images and videos. Eventually, perhaps, you die of malnourishment. Now it's obvious that looking up videos of food and cooking is crazy when in reality you are hungry! But that's what we, or at least I, am doing. I want sex but instead of having it, the urge is telling me to stare at a screen! But then comes the counterargument: I won't get the chance to have sex! Let's look at that.

I've come to realize that I watch porn because I have a low self-esteem, which means I'm intimidated by a real relationship. And I don't know what it means to be a friend to someone. But I've realized that that can be learned. Another more important point is that I've come to realize that if I want to have a realationship, I've got to be worth it. I don't mean that I'm worthless, what I mean is that I've got to grow as a human being. By growing I meant that I got to get my university degree and have to study hard. I've never studied very hard but now that it's time to get my degree, I've started to study harder, I've begun working for what I want to achieve. And that means I'm on my way I guess.

And this "working for what I want to achieve" is something that I must do to get myself a relationship. It won't be easy, particularly as I've gotten used to an easy life. But the reality is that life is not meant to be easy. Not that it has to be hard, but everyone must work for their goals and this is something that I've come to realize only recently. Better late than never, I guess.

My goal is to be O free for at least for 7 months, after which time I will get my first degree. After I've got my degree I've promised myself to start looking for a girlfriend. Of course I mean to stay PM free for the rest of my life. I know that in theory relapses are possible since I'm on day 15. I think the two biggest reasons for relapsing for me would be that I crave instant gratification and because I feel lonely. The instant gratification loop can be broken and I know I won't stay lonely, no matter how long finding a girlfriend will take. Talking about a girlfriend and being lonely, I've come to realize that I don't necessarily want sex, at this point, being alone, I just want to cuddle. Sex is just something that can follow that. Of course there could be days when I only wanted sex, too. But I don't think myself a sex maniac, even though I'm a recovering porn addict.

Well, I think this is all for now.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: September 25, 2020, 10:22:04 AM »
Time for an update.

Right after writing my last post, I relapsed. Or should I say I chose to relapse. Perhaps it was both - accidental and done on purpose. Anyhow, I began again. Yesterday saw the completion of day 14 of me not having viewed porn. I have been MO free for 2.5 months and do not find it difficult. When it comes to vieweing porn, yesterday I understood that I have shown enough determination to make it so if I wanted to view porn, I couldn't call it accidental any more. I know the reason why I have not succumbed to watching porn these 14 days is because I've been busy. I also do not have a mobile broadband subscription, so that is one tempation less. I also turn off wifi every time I go to bed so that's one more safeguard. When the time comes that I will be blessed (in a completely unreligious meaning of the word) with a girlfriend, I will also begin using Accountable2You, which is a phone app. It will alert the other person every time you look up "suspicious content", in our case, porn.

I've also been saying to myself: "Every time I say no to porn means I'm in control" and "Every day I do not watch porn, I will become less and less dependant of it". The first of these sentences is especially empowering. No, wait, there's another thing: I look in the mirror and smile at me, knowing I'm clean. Before I couldn't smile at myself, because I felt like a miserable, wanking loser. Some person Reboot Nation wrote that he had the courage to approach girls after being free from porn for about two weeks. Maybe I'm experiencing something of that sort. Be as that may, it feels great.

Over and out.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: My way to be a better man starts here
« on: September 06, 2020, 11:22:20 AM »
How ya doin', man?

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey
« on: September 06, 2020, 10:43:06 AM »
Been completely porn-free for six days now. I've been reminding myself that every day that I don't watch porn means I'm in control. I've also asked myself: "Do I want to make myself horny? Because from there it's going to only be a downward spiral. And I don't want that, do I?". I've also noticed the extent to which I'm hooked to instant gratification, porn being that gratification for me. I've been studying hard these 6 days and I've had to remind myself that 1) I will get my reward in the end and 2) I should be grateful for the opportunity to study, not everyone gets that chance.

I have two big goals: to finish my studies and to get a girlfriend. So that's what I'm working toward. Keeping my eyes on the prize.

Over and out.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey (This is a loooooooong one)
« on: August 09, 2020, 04:15:50 AM »
I haven't MO'd for a month, but I've watched porn. I've also watched a lot of documantaries about porn recently. It's been educative, but it's also very close to watching porn, because of the topics. I've also visited porn websites because the blocker I use to block porn requires you to block sites one by one and has a limit of 1000 sites. If you're interested in what program I use, drop me a line in the PMs, because the it's a paid software and my intention is not to advertise it. What I can say is it is very versatile and has worked well for me (besides the add-websites-by-hand-thing).

The main thing is I really want to find myself a girlfriend. Also, what do you think of this: I've decided not to have sex with my hypothetical GF, since having sex is problematic for me for health reasons other than PIED, so I've decided I'll only satisfy my girlfriend with toys (sorry for the graphic imagery). I think I'll drop by at the womens' portal and ask what they think about abstaining from sex with your girlfriend.

Well, I think this is all for now. Hope whoever is reading this is doing well, stay strong!

PS. This is going to reveal more about me than I'd like but I figured it might be important for other rebooters. Some years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. But instead of being very bipolar, I mainly had manic episodes. I was admitted into treatment for a while. There, when they were checking on my progress, one question they asked was "How would you describe the level of your sexual desire and have there been any changes?". You see, when you're manic you have a very strong libido. Another thing is that you don't sleep a lot because you have a false sense of energy (when in fact you are just - without realizing it - driving yourself to stay awake and do stuff).

If you have mood swings and strong sexual desires and urges, I suggest you talk about it with your doctor. They will ask you if you have had depression and strong feelings of exhilaration and happiness (for no obvious reason) and feeling of megalomania or omnipotence among other things. This will allow them to diagnose you, if need be. Beginning a medication will reduce your urges. Ask your docotor to reduce the medication as soon as you feel better, because eating many different meds is probably not good for you. For example, I could not get an erection. At the moment, I'm on a minimal dosage of one pill and it does not affect my erection.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journey (This is a loooooooong one)
« on: July 03, 2020, 05:06:48 AM »
Thanks for reading. As I mentioned in the text, this is not my first attempt at getting clean. Two years ago I had some health problems and I managed to be porn-free for a month and a half, and I don't remember having any strong urges. I've tried to get clean before that, but was not able to abstain from porn for long enough. Every time I get health problems, I promise to get clean. But this time is different, because I can see the bigger picture. [Sentence removed by owner of account]

I'll be sure to check your journal.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: My Story (This is a loooooooong one)
« on: July 02, 2020, 07:25:14 AM »
[Contents removed by owner of account]

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Ages 20-29 / My Journey
« on: July 02, 2020, 07:24:12 AM »
EDIT: 6/9/20: This is my journey. Originally, it was a six-page rant about my addiction and life, but I've decided to remove the long post, but there are shorter progress updates down below.

[Contents removed by owner of account]

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: December 20, 2017, 06:38:54 PM »
[Contents of post removed by owner of account]

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: July 09, 2016, 04:02:07 PM »
So there are good news and there are bad news. The good news is I've decided not to fap today. The bad news is I've relapsed numerous times over the past few days.
I've also realized that we ourselves can make or break our goals and dreams. I have a dream of going to the university. I have a dream of becoming more sociable and finding
girls and new aquaintances in real life. Today I realized yet again how lonely I'm feeling. What's even worse is the fact that I've done absolutely nothing to change the current situation.
I'm just feeling sad/depressed over being lonely. Things can't go on like that. I just won't be able to take it - both physically and mentally. Even if I could take it, I would live a life that led
nowhere.

And I can't have that. I simply can't. It would mean letting down myself and people around me. I owe them too much to be a...loser. I've decided to write down my goals and at the end of
every day evaluate my progress or sucess or failure to achieve those goals. I also realized that the reason for my procrastination of doing things is caused by the fear of failure. I'm also
afraid of the shame that might come from those possible failures.

Nothing else to report. Stay strong.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: June 27, 2016, 07:36:24 AM »
3 days no pmo. Then, today a relapse. Went "all the way". I knew this would happen. I hadn't set a password to lock myself out of my smartphone. Now I've done it and I'm using a normal, simple phone. It's not bulletproof as it has internet access, but I'll figure something out.
I don't know what made me relapse. Maybe the knowledge that I had a possibility and a means to pmo and so I did it. Or maybe it was the old wiring that told me I'm going to relapse as soon as I'm home alone. Dunno. I'm disappointed how I made up all sorts of justifications. Or actually, I didn't. I just went ahead and pmo'd. F**k.

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: June 20, 2016, 11:48:18 AM »
Really stong urges today. Watched porn. Didn't fap. I know it's not good. The reason I want to quit porn is because it keeps me up late, keeps me preoccupied about porn and stuff like that. Also my penis hurts after I pmo. Sadly I have something called penile tissue fracture. Basically my dick is a bit torn/broken. I'm going to have it fixed soon. So watch out guys. No bending the penis and also the riding position or woman on top can result in a tear. It can be a small tear (in my case) or a very severe one.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: June 17, 2016, 06:22:39 PM »
[Contents of post removed by owner of account]

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Free for good - second try.
« on: June 07, 2016, 09:15:57 AM »
Third try. I don't know what else to say.

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