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Messages - ruuddejong

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1
Also as mentioned in a few articles on the internet by Dr Weiss and others - It is not true that everyone who has porn addiction has large underlying problems like I do (which is what almost all psychologist thought until recently).

So there are people with perfectly normal childhood and emotional intelligence who got addicted. So for those, just stopping porn will make a huge difference and we see many examples of that in this forum. I just don't want anyone reading my thread to think that stopping porn doesn't fix things. It will fix things for most people.

2
Is it possible that your porn addiction changed your thinking about respect for women? I can see that you see logical reasons why it's a bad idea for you to be constantly cheating on your wife and using women for your momentary pleasure, but to be honest, I don't really see you feeling conflicted about it beyond how it disrupts your sense of equilibrium. You don't seem to wrestle that much morally or ethically with what you're doing. And for that reason I think you'll keep doing it unless there is a major epiphany regarding your marriage and what you value. Do you think you need a moral/ethical recalibration so that you can make better choices and show some respect for you wife and child? It might be the changes to your personality that are the real consequence of your porn addiction days, more than the addiction or PIED etc. Do you think values and ethics will form a major part of your therapy?

You are right, malando. This is exactly what I asked in my first session: Did the addiction change my emotions, values etc? Why do I not feel guilty? Why do I feel that as long as I do not get caught, everything I do is perfectly fine? I also told him that even though logically I see that it is wrong, it doesn't bother me. What the f is wrong with me?

After 2 sessions, his, probably premature but accurate, guess was that because of my childhood (i.e. I never saw married couples showing affection in public or next to me, including my parents due to the culture, and always thought sex should be with some "easy" girl, and relationship should be with a "good girl".) plus my porn addiction made me objectify women even further, so my brain is like divided into two and it does not engage the emotional right side much.

So obviously porn and cheating are just symptoms and we will work on a therapy to activate my emotional side and also resolve any misconceptions re relationships that come from my childhood. Stopping porn or cheating will not solve the problems automatically, if the underlying problems are still there, I will eventually relapse. However if I focus on the underlying problems and solve those, I will probably not need to soothe myself with other women or porn anyway and stop it much easily.

Does that make sense?

3
Ruude, I'm not sure quitting sex is the way to go, though maybe abstaining for a period is, I don't know what you want from life. Do you want a family? You will have to work on love and intimacy if you do. Abstaining provides space to grow and explore what has been lacking up until now, you can also be proactive about seeking out help on the areas which you want to develop. Thank you.

Thanks Georgos, I am not sure if you had a chance to read it all, but I am married with a kid, so what I meant was to stop sleeping with other women, not quitting sex with my wife.

I started to work with a professional to get there. I will keep this posted as things develop, just because maybe some day someone will be in a similar situation to mine and will find it helpful.

4
I thought I should elaborate a little on "no benefits" claim, so that people who are trying to quit PMO do not give up. I strongly believe that if you do not have other major addictions or psychological problems, quitting porn will almost definitely heal you or at least change things in the right direction.

However, that wasn't the case for me, I also have sex or approval addiction, which I am trying to figure. On the 5 months I haven't done any P or M. I did sleep around and very similar to porn, I started to want a hotter girl each time. And every time I had sex with a girl, regardless of how sex went or how hot she is, I did NOT want to do anything with that girl again. Which also made me think it is not about sex, it is about being able to score. It is like, if I knew the girl was ready to sleep with me and got naked, I could almost not have sex and send her back. This brings me to approval addiction and incredibly low-self-esteem. In a way, I was and am proving to myself that I could sleep with a good looking girl, and a good looking girl wanted to sleep with me, which must mean that I am good enough (self-esteem boost).

So I think my problems are much more complicated to solve by simply quitting porn.

However, if I did quit porn and sex at the same time, I do think I would see benefits. In a way, I replaced porn with sex with random people, which of course didn't work.

I started again seeing a psychologist, so I am hoping it will help me.


5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Finally seeking help (doing better thanks to y'all)
« on: April 07, 2019, 05:30:04 AM »
Wow well done! I am impressed you managed to stay out of it. Keep it up!

6
Hey, been a while! I relapsed 2 nights ago after about 5 months, but I am not having any crazy cravings, withdrawals or any other chaser effects! So I am pretty sure this is going to be a one time event.

That said, I have yet to see any benefits of quitting porn.

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 17, 2019, 03:22:04 AM »
Day 106 since PM. Day 41 since O.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 14, 2019, 04:26:51 AM »
It's liberating isn't it? I've came across some suggestive material myself a few days ago and I felt nothing. That was an amazing (non-)feeling. And I'm only 39 days PMO free.

It definitely is. The temptation is always there but it is so much easier to resist it.

Morning erections are also becoming more often, definitely things are getting better.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 14, 2019, 04:25:57 AM »
Day 102.

Someone sent me a Twitter account full of material that I would spend hours and hours on back in days, I looked at it for about 30 seconds and closed it. I didn't get brain fog or that crazy rush.

Great! I'm so happy to follow your progress :D

Thanks man, now it is your turn to do the same :)

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 13, 2019, 07:23:47 AM »
Day 102.

Someone sent me a Twitter account full of material that I would spend hours and hours on back in days, I looked at it for about 30 seconds and closed it. I didn't get brain fog or that crazy rush.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Finally seeking help (doing great thanks to y'all)
« on: February 10, 2019, 01:41:23 AM »
Shit happens, just don't go back to doing it again, one relapse won't immediately make your progress disappear but if you repeat it, that will.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: February 10, 2019, 01:37:59 AM »
I had a habit of almost always googling pics of any hot woman I see in movies/tv shows, I would go find their name from IMDB first and then google their name plus some keyword that would bring me "the" photos. I also did that sometimes with real people but that was less successful unless they had a racy insta profile :)

So I think this is definitely an addiction behavior and not normal. We should not do this and similar things, it is still about reward (like finding a "good" picture of a beautiful woman who was fully dressed in the movie must be causing a dopamine rush)

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 10, 2019, 01:33:42 AM »
Day 99.

Morning erections are becoming more frequent, which must be a good sign. Also it is A WHOLE LOT easier to say no to urges compared to early days.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 07, 2019, 05:19:30 AM »
Day 96.

Today I found myself trying to find (online presence of) a really hot girl that I was supposed to meet a long time ago but I never did. When I eventually did find her, I did nothing about it. I didn't want to contact her or anything, but I did spend like 20 min trying to find her.

Lesson: Important to not get complacent regardless of day count.

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 05, 2019, 07:51:59 AM »
Nice work, man! 90 days is a great effort. Keep going and I suspect you'll get to where you want to be. And if there are any other issues, you'll know what they are and you can address them accordingly. Good luck.

Thanks! I am not really focusing on a specific number, I do not believe there is a magic to 90. I hate to quit it forever, that is the only way. That said, I will still count the days and report progress here :)

Day 94.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:57:17 AM »
Well done PE30!

Have you done a post where you outlined the changes you noticed in yourself like mental, physical or sexual? I checked a few pages of your post and saw some bits but a good summary would be great :)

17
Teens / Re: A message from a 38 year old man to the teen forum
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:52:43 AM »
This thread deserves to be up there. I wish I quit 10 years ago or never started!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Finally seeking help (doing great thanks to y'all)
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:43:29 AM »
You're doing extremely well!

I like your ticker and have done one for myself :)

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:41:43 AM »
Life is good! Day 92 without PM! I realized I kept writing no PMO but I did O a few times during sex so this may be why my progress is slow but I have not used any P or M'ed with or without P.

I am yet to see any benefits on the desire part though, I will continue on my path but my problem could very well be something else (as discussed with malando above) OR it is simply still a flatline.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Finally seeking help
« on: January 23, 2019, 08:35:17 AM »
Anyone else finding counting difficult? I have an A in mathematics but this really confuses me. Anyway, when I check I often count less days than actual days. The last post was a paste from timeanddate.com

Haha I use Excel, put today's date on one cell, and the date I started in another cell and finally subtract one from another. Otherwise it does get confusing.

21
Porn Addiction / Re: Intense cravings today...
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:18:42 AM »
Open to suggestions. I have the aforementioned person blocked from my phone and from my email. The trouble is that you can only have blocked email addresses sent to trash. But, to delete those emails permanently, you have to manually go into the email's trash and delete them. So, I just stay out of the trash. But, knowing that it's there is a constant temptation. I don't know any way around this. If someone has any other suggestion, then, by all means, let me know.

In most email apps or sites like Gmail, you can go to trash and click Empty Trash, without having to go to any email. It would take a second and you just need to resist all the temptations for a second (clicking empty trash vs opening the email and reading it). Not longer than that.

22
Porn Addiction / Re: reboot
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:15:26 AM »
Can you ejaculate without porn, using just your hand and no porn imaginations etc? If not, then your problem is most likely porn.

23
Porn Addiction / Re: Strange Things are Happening
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:13:54 AM »
During the reboot, especially at the early days, your brain will do many tricks to get you back to PMO so that it can get its dopamine hit.

I believe this is exactly what happened to you - you should try the hard mode for a 2-3 months, and then go back to dating etc if you are single.

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:11:32 AM »
Don't give up buddy, you can make it!

Thanks mate. I won't!

Day 80. Had one of the strongest woods ever this morning again, after a week or so break.

25
Porn Addiction / Re: Rewiring in relationship or marriage
« on: January 15, 2019, 06:48:30 AM »
This is quite encouraging, you mentioned you had almost no libido until month 3 and then low libido until month 7, so when did you get this crazy drive?

It wasn't really linear, I went in and out of flatline for a long time. It was like this from around day ~80, with sometimes feeling libido but most of the time nothing. It became consistently strong at around month 7/8 and continued getting stronger until at least 1 year.. You say you're at day 74, so I wouldn't worry yet. I hadn't even started to regain my libido at that point. I would feel nauseous at the thought of sex. It takes a little time to create the new pathways in the brain but with persistence it will happen.

I also contribute this to quitting masturbation as much as quitting porn. My penis was almost completely numb from daily depth grip for a long time, and after rebooting it's super sensitive. Masturbating is a big waste of sexual energy, so I would recommend giving it up completely.

Thanks a lot, this is very helpful. And yeah I do not plan go back to P or M at any point, especially if I have my libido back, I would not waste it on anything other than my wife.

I know everyone is different but I would be very happy if I have a similar path to libido as yours.

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