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Messages - k-fff

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1
relapse. broke one of my rules. I don't know why it got so bad again. sigh, i am just tired. tired of myself.

2
I am okay.  Just severely depressed, the type of situation that caused the relapses is just horrible and I just feel loads of guilt. I don't want to give myself excuses because I feel like when things are this bad it is the most important time not to relapse. I just really wish a lot of things didn't happen. My only focus is getting back on the horse right now because I know how bad my dopamine system is when every girl I have been with in the past two years says I am extremely cold. It is the truth I am cold because I don't feel it and I don't feel it because that part of my brain is messed up. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get that part of my emotions normal again. I am so numb because of the use.

Dopamine is involved in some things in our brain and we fuck it up with porn, of course we pay the price. I tried to remember the misery and the great times that dopamine abstinence gave me but none helped me not relapse. Now I'm trying to follow a simple rule: Avoid everything that gives me a porn induced dopamine release. But, obviously, this shit is hard. Denying myself this amazing dopamine from porn made me irritated, angry and depressed. What I'm doing to myself is masochistic in a way, if you ask me, but it's probably the only situation in my life when "hurting" myself for a while will give me my life back in the end.

I have to do the same thing. Largely speaking what I do to maintain a streak is just avoiding triggers because if I get triggers it usually ends up down the rabbit hole and I get lost.

3
I am okay.  Just severely depressed, the type of situation that caused the relapses is just horrible and I just feel loads of guilt. I don't want to give myself excuses because I feel like when things are this bad it is the most important time not to relapse. I just really wish a lot of things didn't happen. My only focus is getting back on the horse right now because I know how bad my dopamine system is when every girl I have been with in the past two years says I am extremely cold. It is the truth I am cold because I don't feel it and I don't feel it because that part of my brain is messed up. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get that part of my emotions normal again. I am so numb because of the use.

4
relapse

6
relapsed yesterday
Day 1 today

I relapsed 4 times over three days. I understand why this happens now. Usually after one relapse, I get depressed and don't want to leave my apartment which leads to more relapses. I stopped the cycle now by just going out to the gym. From now, i need to remember after a relapse just go out for those first 3 days of having a chaser. I keep expecting that I will feel better just by sitting there instead of realizing I need to get up and go out to do something to make myself feel better.

7
Its shit man.

As a new idea i strongly recommend you to try grabbing and hugging a pillow next time and try to not let go of it, when cravings are strong. Maybe, if you feel confident, watch a video about music theory while doing it. If its too much of a risk for you to go on the internet, maybe you can find another way to distract yourself.

I swear, i think it really worth it to try this method. It gave me much more confidence in grinding out the urges, because i knew, when i am just holding on to this pillow, absolutely nothing can happen. Thats all i have to focus on. I do that as long as i feel like in the danger zone. I can just think of all the reasons why i wanna quit porn and just not let go of the pillow.
The idea came me i think when i saw this scene of dr. House

https://youtu.be/3JtW-wFkf3A

(By the way dr. House is not reboot friendly, but the scene is)

Even if its just a tv show, as you can see they had to lock this man up in his cell and even tie him up.
Since i could not lock myself like this, the next best thing i cluld think of was the idea with the pillow and it really helped me.

Its definitely worth a try.

Thanks Jeks. I relapsed again today. I can't stay at home like this with all this stress going on it is just a recipe for disaster. I should be happy it is my vacation, but htis whole thing turned to shit. I have got a headache and brain fog now.

8
day 1
really annoyed about the relapse. I should have just let the urge pass. Frustrating, frustrating frustrating.

9
Stick with it man. I'm sorry about the relapse. Wish I could help you more than this.

God speed sir.

Thanks, Zander. Sigh, I need to find a better way to deal with urges. Most of the time, I just avoid triggers, but if it is emotional thing and it was coupled with extreme boredom, if i didn't follow the initial urge to begin with it would have fade in a few seconds that is what's so frustrating. Down the rabbit hole indeed. I wanted to get sixty days really bad this time, but the best I can do now is not binge and start again.

10
big thing is not to binge, but god I really wish i didn't relapse. I need to get 60 days at least.

11
I want to relapse. Posting here because I often never do before a relapse. I don't know if I am intending to use this as a way to stop myself from relapsing or what. Why do I want to relapse? am I getting real urges for sex? I don't think so. Why do I want to look at porn? what is motivating the urge? I don't even have an erection right now. I am not horny or anything like that. I am trying to escape from the feeling of boredom and the loneliness. I am wanting to use because I feel so empty and upset about how I handled things, but it doesn't change the fact that if I continue to use, I will continue to handle these relationships poorly. Girls I like will continue to feel like I don't really care about them because that is partly true. When I use p I don't care, I just don't feel anything and it turns me into a cold asshole.

And i relapsed

12
Day 31
Kinda had a horrible day. A lot of my dishonesty caught up with me. I should have been crystal clear with this girl from the get go. I don't know how much that would have changed things considering her behavior after. I am a bit of an asshole.. I drove the girl away for her own good, but I don't feel good about it. Right now, I am experiencing a lot of bad anhedonia. I don't want to do anything or see anybody. I am so tired.

13
Yea, that’s the plan. Well, now pretty much every girl has cut me off besides the coworker who I want see for awhile so it looks like this February will be nofap hard mode. We will see what progress I make with hard mode

14
I hope so, Chris.

Day 29

Had another O again with the same coworker. I have realized why I had failed with doing a reboot while in a relationship. it should have been more possible to do, but it was because of the stress of the relationship itself and the sex. Every time I have sex, I have a chaser effect for 3 days that is the norm. On the 4th day is when it starts to calm down. I then have urges again at the end of the week, but after I get past those hurdles unless there is a trigger of some kind I am in the clear. I am about to hit 1 month, but I can't say I feel very good. I just feel relatively normal. My emotions are not spiking all over the place, but I expect it will get back to that.

15
Day 28

Getting bad urges now. My libido is spiking then dying down. I am hoping it calms down the following week, but this might be the norm for awhile. I think from now on I am gonna focus on limiting orgasms as much as possible. I am still unhappy and I am frustrated with piano. I can't tell how much I am improving not having a teacher anymore makes things difficult. I hope doing these exercises increases my speed drastically. At the moment, my playing speed is far too slow. It has improved slightly, but I hate how slow it is right now. I want to change my work and piano is the way I do that. I hate my job and I hate the environment.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 23, 2021, 09:58:21 AM »
Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.
This is a very accurate description. I am waiting for the really brutal part of my reboot considering getting a month is becoming easier and easier, but I have binged a lot in the past and edged a lot. Edging being the absolute worst. I just hope I am strong enough for inevitable suffering that is gonna come from 4 years of heavy use. I hope you get better soon Zander.

17
Day 26

It is a weird feeling that I don't even know why I got so deep into porn to begin with. I know why I wanted to quit; it was literally preventing from living my life. I was not living glued to my computer screen for hours on end. I don't feel any urges maybe I am in a flat-line of a sort. I had sex again yesterday with a coworker. I cannot say morally what I am doing is right considering the situation. I am not happy with my life. Even though, I have savings and there are multiple women I can sleep with. My health is relatively good. I shouldn't even complain at all realistically, but I am always unhappy now. I get angry very quickly and generally speaking, I find myself alienating coworkers though I question how much I care about that considering I think most of these people are terrible. I am happy about one thing. Piano seems to be improving and at the very least, I am learning more songs quicker so I can change job. I hate my job for a variety of reasons. I am hoping that I can appreciate things more, but I am pretty sure this is a severe case of anhedonia. I am also worried about my brains lash back from all the crazy binges I did in the past. I am waiting for some crazy pain or some other overwhelming urges. Right now urges are non-existent as long as I avoid triggers I am fine. So far the only triggers I could have possibly are from streaming websites and I just changed the website. I don't use instagram and on facebook, generally speaking, people don't post things like that thankfully. Youtube could be a trigger considering which is frustrating because I don't have an account and hentai isn't really my thing, but since I have watched anime related content of course occasionally I get recommended something related to that. Porn was destroying everything for me; it was wrecking so much. I don't know how emphasize how badly it damaged relationships with friends and girlfriends. I am waiting for the big slams in awfulness that comes with the horrible edging and bingeing damage. I just want to be ready for it and strong enough to handle it when it comes.

18
Day 24
Got really pissed off today at work. I am such a hothead honestly. Had sex again with the same girl before. I mo'ed two days before twice. I don't like it but sometimes I get so stressed at night.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: I believe everything is going to be okay-Journal 2021
« on: January 20, 2021, 05:42:37 AM »
It is good that you posted your story. I think people function better when they have a group supporting them. My only recommendations for reducing urges that have helped me. Just reduce the amount of time you spend online in general. I still spend far too much time online myself  I noticed, but just what I have cut down has made a big difference. I also would recommend in your case no MO. It sounds like pmo and mo have just taken a very large toll on your body. I think resting that part of your body as much as you possibly can is best. I hope for you all the best. Porn really is poison.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Quest for Impulse Control
« on: January 15, 2021, 11:42:59 PM »
I decided to stop m completely because I noticed for myself personally. It restarts urges again and I usually will get into a loop of m'ing to deal with urges, but eventually it ends in p. I don't think it necessarily reactivates the same pathways, but it is so adjacent that it is so easy to go one step off into p. I wouldn't recommend it. I noticed for myself there is always a chaser and the reason I want to m is often times because i am fantasizing about a girl i met. Something to keep in mind if you decide to do it.

21
Posting Do or die's relapse handling tricks because they have helped me not binge.

Relapse Handling:
1. Remember you are did better, and you can do it again.
2. Always keep in mind that your body is changing and being able live without porn. So 1 or more relapses in reboot journey is common.

3. Never change the day when you started the reboot.
I mean I started from October 19 and till now I relapsed two times. And did 23 and 36 days reboots.
So never change the day when you decided to stop porn.

4. Always be motivated after relapse. Handle your emotions with care. Tell yourself that you can do it again. You have that potential. The person who did reboot till now is you and one relapse never set you back.

22
Day 17

had an O yesterday wasn't good. couldn't stay hard without a bj I think it was due to the alcohol at the time. At least, I hope so. Looking at other people's journals who started earlier than me and yet were much more consistent and pushed through makes me feel guilty about my lack of progress. Well, the streaks are getting longer more consistently, but still. I feel like I could have had this under control earlier if I had just made the changes I made recently --earlier. It is a frustrating thing.

23
Thanks for the info, Phineas.
I had more sexual dreams, dreams of relapsing, dreams of being caught in the act by loved ones. God, these dreams are just getting worse.

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Had a mess of p dreams and sexual dreams last night didn't sleep well. It is what it is. Just checking in nothing much to say

25
Thanks always for the responses Phineas. I really appreciate the encouragement.

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