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Messages - Grounded

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Fuck it, let's try again.
« on: September 16, 2015, 08:37:42 PM »
Drunk right now. Got in a car accident earlier today so I've been drinking some (I'm not injured and it was the other guy's fault, but still, it's kinda stressful), so I'm drunk right now and feel like masturbating to take the edge off, but I'm not gonna cause I can do this shit and things are going really well with 40. So I guess this post is more or less just to keep me from relapsing, which honestly isn't that bad of an idea; whenever I get urges, just post here instead of PMO'ing to help keep myself under control

Ages 20-29 / Re: Fuck it, let's try again.
« on: September 12, 2015, 12:24:08 AM »
Just got home from a friend's place and I'm drunk and feeling urges. I'm usually at my most susceptible when it's late and 'm drunk and at home by myself. But fuck that noise. I can do this. Fuck that shit I'm getting through this I'm not relapsing again fuck that. I got this shit now. I'm beating this motherfucking PIED. Fuck yeah

Ages 20-29 / Re: Fuck it, let's try again.
« on: September 09, 2015, 08:35:03 PM »
So, significant update. Just as a heads-up, after the first paragraph (excluding this opening line), things get a bit graphic.

The past month has been rough. My depression has been getting me down again, and I've been PMO'ing a ton. I tried using K9, but for whatever reason, one of my go-to sites doesn't get blocked, even if I add it to the "Always Block" list. No idea why. Anyway, I started feeling really bad about myself. I wasn't quite as depressed as I was last September and October, but it was probably the worst that I've felt since then. I was starting to feel really hopeless, that I'd never be able to overcome my PIED. I had never really seriously considered suicide before, but I was starting to think about it, and pretty much resolved that if I wasn't able to rid myself of my PIED before I pay off my student loans (~5 years from now), then I'd just go ahead and kill myself since, if I couldn't get over this by then, then I'd probably never be able to (not super relevant, but I chose that as the deadline so I wouldn't be dropping my debt on my parents). Granted, five years is a long time, but it's still kinda scary putting a deadline on my life.

And then Labor Day weekend happened:

Saturday night, I went to a party with a couple friends of mine. At said party, I ended up meeting a girl who my friends knew. Let's call her 40, because why not. Anyway, the group of us talked for a while, and we eventually ended up just doing our own things. A few hours later, 40, one of my friends, who I'll refer to as Friend A, and myself were on the back porch talking again. Eventually Friend A went back inside. 40 and I talked for a bit, and eventually we started making out. 40's friend (whose house the party was at, and who I will refer to as Friend 2) came out on the porch at some point and very bluntly said that, once the party cleared out, she'd set up a futon so 40 and I could bang. She went back inside, 40 and I made out some more. After a bit, 40 was ready to go back inside, but I was a starting to feel distraught about my PIED. I figured I might as well get inevitable explanation out of the way now, so I sat down on the porch and more or less told that I was dealing with depression, and I wouldn't be able to get hard because dopamine. She said that it's fine, that she's a patient person. So we went back inside, noticed that everyone had left, and started messing around. I couldn't get hard, despite her giving me a handjob and fellatio. We eventually fell asleep.

When we awoke Sunday morning, we started messing around again, and I again couldn't get hard again. Friend A, who crashed in the other room, woke up, as did Friend 2, so the four of us just hung out for a while. After a while, Friend 2 went to take a nap, and Friend A passed out, so 40 and I started messing around yet again. And, of course, I remained flaccid. However, during each attempt, 40 would still give me a handy and fellatio to try and get me hard, which, since I couldn't get hard, was just making me feel worse. I just wanted to tell her that it wasn't going to happen so she should just stop. I didn't though. After we stopped messing around again, Friend A woke up, the three of us got some food, and then went to Friend A's place (where I had parked my car). We hung out for a bit. It was late at this point, so 40 and I decided to go to her place. We got there and went up to her room. Surprise, surprise: no erection. I fell asleep feeling pretty crappy, having gone through this so many times the past 24 hours.

We woke up Monday and started messing around again. I was practically rolling my eyes as she went down on me, eager to disappoint her yet again. This time, however, I was surprised to find out that I was able to achieve a partial erection. I figured it must've just been some morning wood, but we were able to achieve penetration. After a couple minutes of sex during which I barely felt any sensations or feelings in my penis, I ended up going flaccid inside her without ejaculation. Still tough, I was a bit happy that I technically lost my virginity.

We went downstairs, ate, and hung out for a bit with her roommates. After her a while, her roommates left, and she wanted to go back to her room. So we went at it yet again. We were trying different positions and stuff, when, after a bit, we were both pleased to find that one of the positions we tried actually did result in me becoming erect. So we started having sex again. I still wasn't feeling anything, but kept at it. Then suddenly, I started to feel it, and very shortly after, I ejaculated.

I had done it. A wave of relief washed over me, and I was instilled with hope: hope that I could get over my PIED, that I wouldn't have to deal with it forever, that I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life because of it. I felt such emotion and relief that I nearly started to cry. After we cleaned ourselves up, we hung out some more. We eventually went back to her room once more, and, using the same position as before, we were able to have sex and I was able to ejaculate again.

So, here I am now, restored with a new confidence that, no matter what, I will be able to overcome my PIED. I am of course going to continue my reboot (I was only able to feel anything moments before ejaculation), but this time, I know that I can get through. 40 and I exchanged numbers and have been texting a bit since then, and we are likely going to continue seeing each other. And I just feel fantastic.

I've struggled a lot and felt terrible over the past few weeks. However, this past weekend I met a girl, and over the next 48 hours, after many attempts and godly patience on her end, I was able to have sex and ejaculate with a partner for the first time in my life, resulting in a newly restored confidence in my ability to overcome my PIED.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Fuck it, let's try again.
« on: August 09, 2015, 01:01:07 AM »
Well, I had a rocky start and relapsed a few times, but I've made it one week now. Baby steps, I guess.

Ages 20-29 / Fuck it, let's try again.
« on: July 21, 2015, 11:19:01 PM »
Hey. I'm 24 years old, been PMO'ing since my early teens, and I have PIED. Never been able to even get an erection with a girl. Back in college I always assumed it was just from alcohol, but in April 2013 I had a fling with a girl, and I couldn't get hard even when sober. We'd hang out once every two or three weeks because of distance, and every time it'd just end up in me getting her off but remaining completely flaccid myself. After two or three months we just stopped talking to each other, so our fling ended. After that I really started looking into my issue and discovered this website. I tried quitting porn and rebooting for a year or so with little success.

Then in April 2014 I met another girl, and long story short we became friends with benefits. Same as the first girl, we'd only hook up every few weeks or so because of distance and other circumstances. However, I still couldn't get it up at all. Nearly every time we messed around, we had been drinking a lot beforehand, so I just blamed it on alcohol. But, because of her, I really wanted to get over this problem, so I created an account here and started a journal. Things started going pretty well; I made it to 90 days PMO free. I still couldn't get hard, but I was able to get an erection solely though masturbation without the use of porn or pornographic thoughts, which I don't think I had ever been able to do before.

However, in mid-late September, my friends with benefits and I got into a fight, after which we just stopped seeing or talking to each other cold-turkey. I started feeling some withdrawal from stopping masturbation, which, along with breaking it off with my FWB and another unrelated stressful problem I was dealing with, led to me becoming depressed. Because of my depression, and losing my main motivation for rebooting (my FWB), I started to PMO again, and all but abandoned my rebooting and my journal. From the end of September, throughout October, and up until the start of November, I felt like complete shit. I had thoughts of wanting to die every single day for about a month and a half. Once November started, my depression lessened, and continued to lessen as time went by, but my reboot was in shambles, and I've been PMO'ing since.

So that brings me to now. I've always been muscular, but back in February I started lifting heavy, so I've gotten even bigger. Not to brag, but I have a nice body, especially since I started lifting again, and I've had quite a few opportunities to have sex. My old FWB and I made up back in April (there's a reason everything happens in April but it's irrelevant), and just a few weeks ago I hooked up with three different women in one weekend. However, I still couldn't get hard with any of them. So I'm done with it. I'm sick of my shitty PIED, and I'm ready to start rebooting again. I've been updating my tracker the past month or so, but that's not enough. It's time to start anew. I'm creating a new journal (since I haven't touched my old one since 2014). I'm honestly not sure if I still have depression or not, but if I do, then it's definitely because of my PIED. I'm tired of always having my PIED in the back of my mind, looming over my shoulder, making me feel so shitty all the time. I'm ready to start living, and this is the first step (again). It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be long and arduous. But, hopefully, this time I'll be in it for the long haul, and I'll finally be able to be rid of this demon that has plagued me for my entire life. And that all starts today. Technically it started Sunday, since Saturday was the last time I PMO'd, but whatever.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Prom's Journal
« on: November 11, 2014, 11:12:07 PM »
Hey man, just keep at it. I definitely know how you feel with the withdrawal: before my big relapse I was feeling really depressed because of withdrawal. It's tough, but we can do this, as long as we don't give up

Ages 20-29 / Re: Day 25
« on: November 11, 2014, 11:06:26 PM »
Hey, good job on your progress. It seems like you've got a pretty good handle on this, what with going to the gym, sex addicts classes, and a new church. And in case you didn't know, you can reply to your threads, so you don't have to start a new thread for each update

Ages 20-29 / Re: Damaged by porn, 26 and time to begin life!
« on: November 11, 2014, 11:00:43 PM »
Hey man, good to see you're making progress. Wanted to say that just because you're rebooting doesn't necessarily mean you have to pass up on girls like you did at the Halloween party. Granted, I understand if want to because of your ED, because I feel that way about my own endeavors. But doing something with a woman is probably better for your reboot than MO'ing on your own.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: November 06, 2014, 11:22:29 PM »
Yeah, it sucks that I relapsed when I was so far into it. Though honestly I'm not sure how well I was actually doing, since near the end before I relapsed, I was somewhat consistently looking at porn without PMO'ing, and eventually I started edging some too, and at one point I just thought, "Fuck it, I'm getting nowhere like this" and decided to just go all the way and PMO, which resulted in a month or so of PMO'ing. I guess it is nice to start again fresh without separating PMO'ing and just viewing porn, since now I can't rationalize it with "Well I didn't MO so I'm still in the clear". Anyway, I'm at a week for no P/PMO. Started lifting heavy again this past week too; for the past maybe two months, I've only been doing some curls and shoulder presses and stuff with dumbbells at home, and now I'm going to a gym and benching, squatting, etc. There was honestly no reason for me not to go before either, since my workplace has a free gym.

The conventions I go to are anime conventions. They're a ton of fun, and a good number of the people that attend aren't really a stereotype of what you'd expect an anime convention attendee to be like. They also have a bunch of non-anime related things; videogames stuff is almost as prevalent as anime stuff, there's always a bunch of Doctor Who fans, some Game of Thrones cosplayers, etc. As for meeting girls, they can be good I guess. Kinda depends on what you're looking for. It's not too hard to find a woman to just mess around with for the night, but they're usually not too great for long-term stuff, since since in my experience it's pretty unlikely that you'll meet anyone that lives within a reasonable distance of you. The only reason I was able to meet two girls that I saw consistently was there's a relatively smaller convention that takes place about 10-15 minutes from where I live. I think the convention next closest to me is about 2 1/2 hours away. I actually just attended a convention this past weekend, which was a blast. Wound up messing around with a girl Friday night too.

As for drinking, I wouldn't say it's a social anxiety thing. I am fairly shy around people I don't know, and a few drinks does help me loosen up, but I usually only drink in situations in which other people are also drinking. I just sometimes don't know when to stop drinking, or I'll drink more too quickly before I feel the effects of my previous drinks.

Oh, and I'm not seeing C anymore. Long story short, in late September we were hanging out along with a couple of other people, she got shitfaced and started acting like a huge dick, and I just got fed up with her shit. I ran into her at the convention this past weekend, and we were civil enough to each other, but other than that I haven't spoken to her since.

Also, congrats on reaching one month!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: November 02, 2014, 08:36:05 PM »
It's been over a month since my last update. October has been really rough reboot-wise. PMO'd pretty much weekly throughout the entire month. I haven't really been depressed like I was in September, but I'm sure that's because I was feeling depressed due to withdrawal. It really sucks and feels pretty strange, because I feel like I should feel a lot worse about my relapse. I certainly don't feel good about it, but I don't feel near as crappy as I did when I was actually doing well with my reboot. I guess I feel really crappy about it mentally, but not emotionally, so it's kinda throwing me off. Anyway, I think I'm gonna start trying extra hard to stay on track now, especially since I experienced some withdrawal, which makes my addiction feel like a greater pressing issue that I need to work through. I guess because I've been having such a rough time lately, I'm gonna just focus on making it through next weekend. Take things one step at a time. Also, I removed one of my counters so I only have one now, because I feel that having two allowed me to rationalize viewing porn, since I didn't actually PMO.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: September 28, 2014, 09:33:50 PM »
Well, I guess technically I hit 3 months for PMO. Early last week, I tried to masturbate without porn or fantasy, and I was able to attain an erection. It took longer than I think it should, and it wasn't as hard as it could be, but it was the first time that I was able to get an erection just through masturbation with no porn or fantasy, so I can already see an improvement, which made me feel a lot better than I had the week before. However, I my mood started to drop again, and I wound up looking at porn and eventually ended up edging. So while technically I hit 3 months no PMO, I still relapsed (which I why I have two counters). I'm currently feeling kinda eh: not as good as I did early last week, but not as bad as the week prior. I do think that my masturbating without porn may have caused a dopamine spike that led to my edging though, or something along those lines, so I don't think I'll relapse again, especially since I've now seen some physical progress.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Lost it all, time for a change
« on: September 28, 2014, 09:11:16 PM »
Hey, welcome. Making a journal is a step in the right direction. Sometimes just posting here and seeing that you're not alone can be a huge help.

Ages 20-29 / Re: To Swerve Might Make More Dead
« on: September 19, 2014, 06:25:11 PM »
Glad to see everything is going well. Congrats on two months.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: September 19, 2014, 06:22:39 PM »
Looked at P on Sunday. Didn't MO though, so I guess there's that. Coming up on my first goal of 90 days pretty soon. Been feeling pretty shitty recently. Think I might be depressed. Think I'm gonna cut back on drinking. I don't really drink too often, usually only once a week, but when I do drink, I usually drink a lot. I think it might be affecting my mood. Also, shaved my head on Tuesday, just because.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: September 01, 2014, 09:45:01 PM »
Hit 60 days for PMO and 30 days for P. Had a pretty good week I guess. Went and saw a comedy tour on Saturday, which was pretty sweet.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 24, 2014, 09:24:26 PM »
Haha it's not entirely untrue. I'd definitely recommend the Scott Pilgrim books if you have any interest in them though. One of the themes of the series is learning from past mistakes and not letting your past control you, which I can really sympathize with, what with the PIED and reboot and whatnot. There's a movie based on the series too, so if you are interested then you can check that out first. The series wasn't finished when the shooting for the movie was done though, so the last couple books are fairly different from the movie, and the ending is completely different. They're both really good though IMO.

Not much to say reboot-wise. Had a blast at the convention this weekend. I'll hit the two month mark on PMO by the end of this week too, which is awesome.

Ages 20-29 / Re: To Swerve Might Make More Dead
« on: August 24, 2014, 09:14:12 PM »
Congrats on hitting one month. It's great to see that you're making good progress on your book and weight-loss too.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 21, 2014, 05:31:07 AM »
Just got back from C's place not too long ago. Running on four hours of sleep and still buzzed so this post might be kinda off. Went to a happy hour/pool party thing at a coworker's place after work and went to her place afterwards. Got her off, still couldn't get completely hard myself, although I was kinda "half-mast", which I think is better than I've been with her? I was fairly drunk cause she made me take shots with her (and I'm still a bit out of it now) so I'm not exactly sure if it's better than it's been, but I'm pretty sure it was. So I guess stopping PMO is starting to work somewhat. She asked if I was too whiskey-dicked to have sex, told her probably, and she was like, "Again? How many times is this?" and I told her two and she told me something along the lines of whatever, make sure you come sober next time, and then said she probably shouldn't have made me drink more when I got to her place anyway. I was considering telling her about my PIED at the time, but didn't. So yeah, still got PIED (which isn't unexpected since it just been over a month and a half now), but I think cutting PMO is starting to show signs of progress? Haven't been having any urges at all lately anyway, so that's good at least.

Congrats on your streak. Just got done catching up on your journal. What book did you get? I just got one of the newer Terry Goodkind books and a couple of old Xanth books.

It's the fifth Scott Pilgrim graphic novel. Really good series, I'd recommend it if you're not against graphic novels or anything.  They're the only graphic novels I've read anyway and I really enjoyed them. Well, on that note, I'm off to shower, eat, and try and make it through work today, which is likely gonna suck cause what little, alcohol-induced sleep I got. Cheers

Post-shower edit: Forgot to mention this earlier, but at one point in the night I said in passing that I'm a virgin, and she chuckled and said, "Yeah, me too." Mentioned again a second time and got the same reaction. Not at all surprised that she took it as a joke though, since I just said it casually and she thinks that I'm a slut, which I can't really blame her for: the night we met at the convention I got picked up by a random girl, second time we hung out (which was at a party at her friend's place) I almost hooked up with her then-roommate and slept on the couch most of that night spooning her then-roommate, the second or third time after that night that we hung out was the first night that the two of us messed around, and the next time we hung out after that I ended up making out with a friend of her friend.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 17, 2014, 09:25:05 PM »
Thanks guys. I've been doing really well today; no urges whatsoever.

You're right that willpower alone isn't always enough, fnatk, especially if I just try to go asleep; the urges usually keep me awake and prevent me from sleeping. I was just kinda proud that I was able to overcome an "upset/depressed urge", since those usually result in a relapse. I have a book that just shipped from Amazon, so that'll keep me busy for a bit, and I've been playing Earthbound recently too, which has been occupying time. I've been doing some form of exercise most days too, whether it be running, lifting, or going to an MMA gym.

Yeah, as of now I'm pretty set on not telling C. It's been about 5 weeks since we actually did anything sexual. I went to a convention with her and some other mutual acquaintances last weekend, but we didn't do anything because of sharing a hotel room with other people, and I saw a movie with her Friday, but I had to get up early the next day, so we didn't do anything afterwards. Other than that I haven't seen her since early July, because our schedules haven't really matched up at all. She wanted to do something Saturday, but I had the Tough Mudder and a victory party afterwards, so I couldn't (and I don't think I would have even wanted to, I was so tired after it). I have another convention this weekend, and her car broke down recently, so it really doesn't look like we'll be hooking up anytime soon. We still talk a good amount and flirt a decent amount though, so who knows?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Fixing a Problem
« on: August 17, 2014, 08:55:43 PM »
Hey, man. It's good that you joined and started a journal. Stopping PMO can only help your relationship, and this is the first step. Good luck to you.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Reboot For The Win!
« on: August 17, 2014, 08:53:01 PM »
Congrats on three weeks! I know that the fourth week has always been the toughest for me so far, so stick with it and make it through.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 17, 2014, 05:03:26 PM »
At a little over a month and a half for no PMO, over halfway to my current goal, and it's two weeks since I last looked at P. Urges haven't been as strong these past two weeks since the last time I looked at P, but they've started to get stronger again. Had some pretty strong "upset urges" last night (urges to PMO when I'm feeling upset about something, usually related to a woman or sex or something similar), but I was dead tired from running a Tough Mudder (which was a blast), so I was able to just ignore it and go to bed. Even though being exhausted helped out, I'm still glad that I was able to suppress my urge last night, since those are usually really strong.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 12, 2014, 05:01:59 PM »
No P or M this past week. Not really much else to say I guess

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: August 05, 2014, 07:04:35 PM »
Ended up looking at P on Friday and Saturday. No M whatsoever though, so I guess it's not a total loss.

Back on the subject of telling C, it's kinda... complicated. In my mind at least. I'm not sure how much I wanna go into it, but to put it bluntly, she can be a real dick, so I'm really hesitant to tell her.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Working from the ground up
« on: July 30, 2014, 06:59:03 PM »
Thanks man. I know that in my previous attempts, the 4 week/one month mark has always been the most difficult for me and has always resulted in relapses, so I really wanna make it through the next couple of weeks. The good thing is that I'll have a lot going on in the coming weekends, especially the 2nd and 4th weekends in August. Sundays are usually the toughest day for me, since I generally don't do much on Sundays, so that should help.

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