Reboot Nation

Reboot Nation Forum => Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction/Delayed Ejaculation => Topic started by: kk99 on October 17, 2015, 02:27:00 AM

Title: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 17, 2015, 02:27:00 AM
I am a 28 year old gay dude, who's been struggling with porn-induced ed for awhile now.

This reboot is hard. Harder than I thought, and while I've relapsed with MO, I've gone a month without porn. That said, I'm just now admitting and realizing Grindr is kind of a gateway/half-ass porn, so it feels slightly cheating, but over a month with no porn is something.

I am deciding right now that I commit to the full reboot. I am scared, frustrated, about how many failed attempts I've had, but I believe in myself and writing this makes it seem real, reading these success stories makes it seem worth it, and the support of an online forum makes it possible. I am going to write everyday to keep track of my progress. Mostly for myself, but hopefully to help those going on this journey.

Today is day 1.

My goal is to love my sex life with my partner. Ease, fulfillment, and joy. Time to let go of more stress, frustration, and self-hate from this seeming addiction to porn and masturbation.

Wish me luck. Any pointers are welcome.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 17, 2015, 02:32:32 PM
Today is day 2.

It's been only 12sh hours since my first post and my decision to go on this journey. I am already tempted by sex with people I've slept with in the past, but committed to no PMO for 90 days.

Wow, what a journey it will be. I am going to get some books about addiction, habit, etc from the library to support this endeavor. Staying busy is helpful. So is exercise and meditation.

Good luck everyone.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 18, 2015, 02:37:12 AM
I'm going to write the things I am excited for healing, rewiring, and confidently loving my sexuality. This seems like a good thing to focus on at 1 35 in the morning when I have the urge to MO or watch porn. The joys ahead from the healing right now. Definitely worth it.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 19, 2015, 10:40:20 PM
Today is the end of day 3. I want to get some books on addiction from the library tomorrow. I feel good.

The flatline is real. I've also been smoking pot everyday for some years and am wondering if it might be good to give this habit up in conjuntion with the no pmo, or if it will cause stress. I must decide if I really want it.

I feel more calm, confident, and focused already, containing my sexual energy and no feeling shitty about repeated failed attempts. This time is different. I am committed.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Dream_nofap on October 19, 2015, 11:14:31 PM
please leave smoking pot. It will only affect your habits and could hamper your reboot process.

Make a new counter for leaving pot.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 21, 2015, 11:16:53 PM
I know. I didn't today, but feel more horny than I have in days.

Deciding whether to tackle both vices at once, or be gentle with myself and really put my energy into rebooting and manifesting a happy sex life.

Today is challenging. On one hand, even after five days I feel so much more attractive and energetic than I have in weeks. On the other I feel like I am ready to explode.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 22, 2015, 05:49:15 PM
Today I woke up and jerked off. I know before I came that stopping was still possible, but my mind went into my groin and it continued.

I am trying hard to be gentle with myself and forgiving. The no MO thing is harder than no porn for me. Anyone else having a similar experience. Still, I am 6 weeks without porn. Although my longest stretch with no MO is a week.

Writing right now on October 22, that I will last one month. And reminding myself that I am still making great progress. No point throwing in the towel now, seeing this thing through til it's successful.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on October 25, 2015, 11:07:58 PM
Okay, it's Sunday night. And well, I am focusing on the fact that I have not watched porn in a month and a half. But I did MO and have relapsed with MO numerous times.

I met someone on Thursday and had sex, and used Viagra. It worked pretty well. The prospect of meeting someone meaningful is nice. But really, I need to focus on myself. And heal this condition. I am. Distraction is easy and I'm realizing what 100% commitment means.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 01, 2015, 08:49:42 PM
Here we go. So I've been successful in not watching porn for nearly 2 months, which is definitely the longest I've gone in years.

However, I've had sex, masturbated, chatted on grindr, etc. I had a sexual encounter the other night, that was intimate (with someone I have had to break it off with because my commitment to healing sexually is greater than starting a new relationship at the moment) and I could not perform/was not that turned on and once again felt shame and frustration that was a potent reminder of why I have embarked on this. I had to go into more of a fantasy zone in my mind to get off. Crazy to realize how much this stuff fucks with our brains.

I've also decided starting today, on November 1st to give up marijuana for the month also, and tackle both habits at once. I got this. Mind over matter, and after mingling in the grey area of hooking up, mo'ing sometimes, etc. I realize a 100% honest reboot is what it's going to take. That said, my progress in resisting porn is real. I've been tempted and in the "what the fuck does it matter" zone a phone times but have resisted. That feels important.

Wish me luck. I hope this stream on consciousness I'm writing on here helps someone. It's helping me.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Dream_nofap on November 02, 2015, 01:07:05 AM
Best of luck.  Keep rebooting.....  And of course,  leave pot. 
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 02, 2015, 10:31:27 PM
Today is almost in the books.

This stuff is truly challenging, but I'm making it work. Today is day 2 of no MO and no marijuana.
Definitely felt some lows, lethargy, sadness after work. Made myself sit in a steamroom and work out just a little. That helped. Now, I'm going to read and chill. I also broke it off with the person I was sleeping with. It was a big distraction from this process. I realize I want a happy sex life, not one fraught with anxiety and it's worth waiting for and putting in the work now, rather than rushing it.

The conjunction with the seasons is symbolic. Everything around me is dying, getting darker. And this dark part of myself, these old habits are ready to die off (although they are stubborn as fuck). Trying to stay upbeat. Went to the herb store today to get some St Joh's Wort which is essentially an herbal mood uplifter that's worked for me in the past when I struggled with some depression. It works and is better for me than going on medication. Want to stay upbeat and happy during this process, because it is exciting.


Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 04, 2015, 11:13:15 PM
Today is another day, no porn, no MO, no marijuana.

Damn I am EXPLODING with energy. And exercising like crazy. It feels great to have something to channel the excess energy I used to dim with pot and drain with jerking off into something like making my body fit as fuck.

Feeling a bit lonely, as I realize I used sex and hookup sites as a way to find connection. But feeling confident, optimistic, and proud of myself.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 06, 2015, 12:53:52 AM
Another successful day. No PMO, no ganja.

My energy was really low, which is a contrast to the days before, but I'm being gentle with myself.

I started reading the Power of Habits and something interesting that I think is worth sharing is that habits need to be replaced by something else to increase the chances of success. For me, I either work out (not always possible in the moment). OR I've started using visualization techniques. The picture of what I am creating. Me in my bed with my hot partner enjoying sex with ease, confidence, and satisfaction that I turned my sex life. Sounds strange, but this concept of thoughts becoming things is real and this mental image is the motivation to keep me going.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 08, 2015, 12:49:15 AM
Feeling good changes. No pmo and not even tempted.
Noticing I don't feel that sex obsessed. Maybe the beginning of a flatline. Who knows, but I really was not tempted at all today, which felt nice. I am sticking with this thing.

I did smoke ganja today after a week. No guilt, all good. Going to recommit to sobriety for the rest of the month now though as a way of teaching myself that one slip up does not mean throwing away all commitments. But a great opportunity to recommit and strengthen willpower and mental strength.

Life feels fantastic though and this forum, the information I've gathered from it, and the belief that I heal now for a happy satisfying ecstatic confident sex life has really changed the game. I was down a bit before and feeling hopeless about ED for basically all of my adult life. I'm a good looking, fit 28 year old who actually loves sex and am excited to enjoy it more and more.



Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 10, 2015, 01:30:26 AM
Today is day 10 of no PMO. This is the longest I've ever gone in my adult life without masturbating. Since I've started when I was 12 or 13.

At the same time. I have failed to take a month off of marijuana. ANd have smoked twice, since vowing twice (on this thread) not to for the month. I am reading baout habits, how they change in the book "The Power of Habit". I wonder if any of you have advice on successfully tackling one habit, while succumbing to another habit.

One of the definitions of dependence is defined as a behavior that's been attempted to be paused or eradicated unsuccessfully numerous times. So, I'm overcoming my porn and masturbation habit. While the wires in my brain find their way back to their favorite plant.

All of that said. This is success. I feel very confident, proud of myself, and faithful that this is healing my ED. It's been quite a secret, struggle, and deep fear that I'd never be able to have a happy sex life before I found this information, enough self-determination to believe I can successfully reboot, and a strong commitment. I feel more attractive and have gotten noticeably more attention from cuties in the past few weeks.

Writing is medicine. Stay strong everyone.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Winky on November 10, 2015, 02:07:43 AM
;
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 11, 2015, 10:20:01 AM
Another day in the books.

I'm channeling all of my pent up sexual energy into exercise. It's a great outlet and is making my fit. I was thinking when I was swimming laps today, quitting porn has literally gotten me into great shape. Ridiculous, I know, but actually true.

I also am realizing the giant step up in standards for the people I date. Before, despite my condition I was so sex-obsessed (and needed viagra) AND insecure on a deep level that I wasn't worthy of an epic amazing long term relationship with a 10/10 because I had this problem and wouldn't be able to please anyone. Now, I'm saying no to people who I know there's no future with and I feel mediocre about, because I've gained enough confidence not to settle.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 11, 2015, 10:25:12 AM
I did wake up pretty horny this morning and with the urge to watch porn. Today is day 11 of no PMO. I won't do it. Writing instead.

It is two months exactly of no porn. Damn. The game really changed when I deleted grindr also 11 days ago, which basically stimulated those response areas in my brain (pictures of bodies) and people being straightforward about wanting to meet for sex.

The gay world makes this almost harder. Many of us are down to mess around with each other and our dating sites are highly sexualized/people wanting to meet up solely for sex. Honestly, it's kind of awesome. And yet I've been thinking how it's sort of real life porn scenarios played out. It's been fun, but not the intimacy I create, heal this, and work towards now. I'm doing this for something long lasting and real.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 12, 2015, 02:41:57 AM
Another day.

I feel strong and focused. And I am also feeling some serious urges.

I realize not only is this the first time I've stopped PMO'ing. But it's also the first time that I've stopped seeking sex. I used viagra, found it easy to find other dudes to have sex with. Although I've struggled with porn, ed, and in maintaining and feeling worthy of long lasting relationships before this reboot journey, I've had no problem getting laid ever, anonymously (the gay world is easy for casual sex, there's like a whole gay underground hookup culture, it's nuts).

I realized when I was in the city near where I live tonight, I also have a habit of going on my phone and chatting with strangers on grindr until sometimes I find someone I'm attracted to, to get off with. Not everytime, as I'm somewhat picky, but it happens. This is a change. I was walking out of work, (I go there about twice a month for work), near somewhere I habitually would get my phone and seek sex and I realized this too has become a habit. The thought of it isn't as appealing anymore as actual connection is. I wasn't tempted to do it in the slightest, although I've been feeling an urge to jerk off.

Anyways, this realization is huge for me. And the fact that since rebooting, stopping porn, and rewiring my brain, I know this is not what I want. And I prefer connection, intimacy, and sex with someone I'm connected to. Hallelujah.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 13, 2015, 12:18:03 AM
November 12th complete. 12 days no PMO. 2 months, 1 day no porn.

Nothing new to say. Writing instead of jerking off :)
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 14, 2015, 10:26:16 PM
Shit. Today was rough...

I jerked off twice this morning. Woke up hungover, feeling like shit about getting 'rejected' by my friend I wanted to hook up with. And yeah. Felt like I failed all day.  It is what it is. One slipup. Still no porn. And I just went the longest I've ever gone without MO.

Feeling a bit depressed, because I was doing so good. Anyhow. I must continue on and have faith in myself. The fear of not ever having a normal sex life is real and scary. And it's been big throughout today. But really, I've been so confident this is working, making a drastic improvement in the quality of my life and believing in the process, I won't let one hungover morning fuck it up. But take this as information of how shitty I feel, and how great I've felt for the past few weeks.

It never ceases to amaze me how therapuetic writing is for me.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Will86 on November 15, 2015, 06:25:55 AM
Hey KK99,

I´m almost in your same situation. I had been 22 days without PMO...until yesterday...I didi it three times...I am so ashamed.
I stopped watching porn or anything, I deleted grindr and all that stuff...but my main distraction is at the same time my main trigger...THE GYM. I don´t want to stop going to the gym..but in these three weeks I have realized that watching guys there makes me want to watch porn or pictures.

So...just be strong friend. I think that what really matters in this situation is to do things naturally...try to enjoy sex with other people and with ourselves but feeling our body and not watching anything.

Good luck!

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 16, 2015, 12:14:03 AM
Hey. Thanks so much for reaching out and responding. And it's nice to know there's other gay dudes on here, not that it matters so much, as we're all healing. But still, our situation is a bit unique in some regards.

I totally feel you and beating yourself up for fucking up for a moment.

I must say, I've really turned it around today. Shit happens, and going a long time without porn, MO, etc etc and getting rid of grindr (which was a HUGE game changer for me because I realized that was essentially porn at my fingertips in the name of finding connection and porn like sexual meetups) is still some serious progress. And not worth throwing away because of one bad day.

The work in slipping up, is to use it as valuable information for how shitty we feel afterwards, in comparison to how much energy, confidence, and optimism, I've been feeling during my successful stretches of this reboot.

The main thing is not to watch porn, no matter what. I feel strong that it's been over two months...And while the MO has been periodic, I've gone longer than ever before and am still committed to going for 90 days.

What I'm wondering now, as time goes on, is how will I know I am ready for sex? Anyone else have insight and experience on those first interactions after a reboot/how'd you know if you were ready, we're you freakin out about failure and ED. There is definitely fear that creeps up about sex again. I've been mostly staying on that optimism train of believing in this process, but fuck it seems to move slowly! :)

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 16, 2015, 12:16:22 AM
Oh, and your experience with the gym, I totally relate to...And have been wondering about that.

I'd say rather than that turning you on to watch porn, see if it can turn you on in real life. That's what we want.  To get hard with real life people, not computer screens (without being a creep of course). Yes, my gym is full of hot guys too, but it's motivation to feel confident enough to have sex with them :p
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Will86 on November 16, 2015, 06:09:20 PM
If by ready to have sex you mean having and maintaining an erection...you will never know. I guess you have to try with someone you feel confident. I am seeing someone and we have been having sex for the last months...I really like him but I can´t tell him about my problem (PIED) I don´t want him to see me as a kind of porn obssessed or pervert...there are days when I can keep my erection if I stimulate myself constantly...but I can´t perform and he asked me once why my penis was soft. It was embarrasing...but other days went better.

So I don´t know...maybe if you feel horny, instead of MO, you could try to meet somenone and try. But I would wait at least three months.

I am angry today because I had a relapse on saturday and I did it again yesterday and today...I feel stupid...like a child who can´t avoid to touch his dick.

And yes, it´s good to know there are gay guys here...we are all men but our triggers and the places we visit are different.

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 18, 2015, 01:59:18 AM
Rather than feeling bad, don't do it again tomorrow. Commit to it. And be nice to yourself. Seriously, it's all we can do. I realize beating myself up when I fuck up is actually useless and a waste of energy.

3 full days after I jerked off a few times and felt bad about it for a minute, I am totally back on track and as committed to this as ever. Working out a ton and it feels great. Turning sexual energy I'm containing into a fit body, instead of wasting it. I have been focused on my work. Smoking weed, but really, there's a whole lot of good going on in my world.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 20, 2015, 02:23:52 AM
I've gone almost another full week since my MO relapse 5 days ago.

Feeling strong. Healing my sex life.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Phase2 on November 20, 2015, 10:59:01 AM
Keep going kk, you are fighting a worthwhile fight.

Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Anyhow, I posted a 90 day success story. You might want to read another gay man's story and pick up some tips. Cheers! http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=4018.0
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: BailHopper on November 20, 2015, 11:28:10 AM
Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Just wanted to post that I can relate, because I have the same kind of problem with Tinder! I actually meet new people through the app. Don't know how I used to do it, because the virtual reality of meeting people has always been kind of my deal.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 24, 2015, 12:31:07 AM
Thanks for the conversation and the encouragement. It's really nice to read.

Yes, the app thing is real. But honestly, it's possible to meet people in life. It requires a little more bravery, which we're all capable of. The apps do help, and truthfully, there are other dating sites that are not hyper sexual. The ones where you get a spectrum of different pictures are definitely bad news and it's nice to not be on them.

I've mo'ed a little twice but have not orgasmed. Still not good. Playing around. I'm feeling really really energetic and strong. I've ejaculated twice (on the same day), in the past 23 days, which is a long time for me. I'm working out more. Feeling horny, and also having wonders about how long this will take. I met someone I like and we've kissed a few times, which is great considering this reboot, but I can feel it building. We made out for a brief moment and I think I got hard without even noticing. I'm thinking another few weeks and sex is a possibility and want to be ready to perform (as does everyone on here haha) and love it.  I'm still commited to this reboot long term and won't let anyone else detract that if it's going to. If' they're right, they're help heal.

Keep on keepin on, and thanks for reading and writing.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 25, 2015, 10:28:20 AM
Phase 2 Thanks for posting the link to your story. it's really helpful and motivating. Your cue to do as much research as possible has been key. I have been diving in and watching your brain on porn and reading and educating myself. There's a whole lot!

I can relate and turning sexual energy into some serious fitness. I'm in the best shape of my life right now and it feels awesome.

Meditation has gone from periodic to everyday and I must say, this is the game changer for me. I have no doubt it's changing my life for the better.

Feeling incredible amounts of gratitude this morning for the information and the fact that I'm healing and only 28. I had such fear I was going to be stuck in this cycle forever. And now I know I'm not. Which is such a blessing. I hope as many guys who are struggling with this and have no idea what the cause of their problems are find this information and the strength to rewire their brains, sex lives, and enjoy them.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on November 30, 2015, 12:18:35 AM
Alright, so it's been a few days and lots happened.

I had a cozy post-Thanksgiving day, walking around and sitting in a coffee shop bookstore with my friend I picked up a book in the autobiography section by a former male escort and gay porn star.

I got hard just reading it. Literally 30 minutes later I got a text from a dude I've hooked up with before and shortly after ruined my celibate month. Here's the thing though. I was hard as a rock without any viagra. But it was purely sex with no intimacy.

The next day, hanging with the dude I was dating, I wasn't getting hard while we were making out and still told him no sex yet...Noticing the disconnect.

Anyhow. I'm confused, chaotic and feeling strong at the same time. One thing has become clear. No porn is staying. It's been nearly 3 months of no porn. November has been largely successful. Looking forward to more progress in December.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Phase2 on November 30, 2015, 09:37:53 AM
This is a confusing process for sure. I have no answers, other than to keep going forward and see how things shake out. But here are some comments:

First, congrats on your no-viagra boner. That sounds like a great step forward.

Second, it's pretty common to have a flatline after an orgasm, or a 'down period' of a few days where your horniness goes away. This may be your case. You went back at it the next day with the guy you were dating and just weren't feeling it. This may just be post-orgasm doldrums.

Lastly, is it possible you just aren't that sexually attracted by the guy you are dating? This happens to me a lot: I date guys that are handsome, smart, funny, etc so I think there should be a sexual attraction. But it doesn't always work that way. The more I think about it, there are relatively few dudes that really get me going. We aren't porn gods with 24/7 boners ready to screw around with every other dude walking around. Watching porn makes us think that's how we should be, but we aren't. Focus on quality not quantity.

In my experience, there is a bit more thrill in a hook up, so that can add extra dopamine to a situation. Of course, I'm not here to stop hooking up, or dating, so I want it to work in both cases as I'm sure you do too.

Keep us posted as to your progress. Keep going buddy. You are well on your way!
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on December 08, 2015, 01:18:43 AM
Thanks for this advice....

Really really helpful. And helpful to get back on here....

Few thoughts. Have been intimate with the guy I've been dating, but not great erections. Pretty good ones, but nothing too hard. And I am into it. I'm growing more sexually attracted to this guy and was really into the sex. I had a "sorry my dick isn't super hard" moment and he had a "don't worry about it at all" response. Feels way to early to get into this talk, but it's a bit tricky because we're starting to have sex now, I feel some potential here (although I'm not 100% sure), and I'm also worried this can interfere with my serious focus on my reboot myself and bringing a new partner into the situation can complicate things. Also feeling a little discouraged and less confident than I did in each passing week of the reboot because I've now had some unsuccessful erection tries by my standard. Staying optimistic that this is working and I make the right choices to continue to heal in a long lasting way and love my sex life confidently.

Especially since, I've not yet recovered and cant seem to get hard without viagra.

I think your points about a hookup scenario giving more dopamine and being more "porn like" are true so the after effects may have lowered interest in the other dude. But also the fact that yeah maybe I'm not always secually into handsome people, there's always another factor.

Is it silly to start having sex in the middle of a reboot? Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am healing and on my way, if someone else is coming on the ride, then they're worth it, otherwise I'm totally cool to let it go because I'm excited about the changes I'm making in myself.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Will86 on December 08, 2015, 08:33:36 AM
Hey kk99 congratulations...you seem to be in control.

About your question of having sex while rebooting...I can say that for me it is a mistake...having sex got me hornier and sometimes, after having sex with the guy i am dating, I watch porn and masturbate because i feel i need a strong orgasm...my orgasms with him are weaker....

I dont know...it is confusing...I think we need a time away from sex....as if we were back into chilhood to start again. Good luck!
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on December 09, 2015, 11:20:26 AM
Thanks for reading and the support.

You're right. It's a tough situation because I've been dating someone I like, see potential with, and now to be like "hey here's all of this information I have to tell you and we can't have sex for awhile" scares me and seems like it could ruin progress.

Truthfully, if this person's the right one, they'll be down to support me through my shit. Just seems early to bring such intensity and a 'unique' situation to the table, especially for fear of rejection, if they're not right for me anyhow, etc. Whatever, I've gotten myself here and I'm brave. And my desire for a happy sex life long term is my main motivation.

Will keep writing. Let's see how this unfolds!
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on December 13, 2015, 10:50:41 AM
This week has been hell-ish internally.

I failed to 'perform' again and had a chat with my dude. I left out some details (which made me feel worse and dishonest). But he's pretty awesome and said things like "do what's best for you, don't worry about me. let me know if i can help. i think you're really sexy and beautiful. I'm down to abstain from having sex for awhile if you think it'll help you. etc"

Still, I came home and felt so depressed, ashamed, and scared I'm going to be stuck in this forever. It's hard because I'm not where I want to be yet sexually. And the timing of this relationship is interesting.

I don't know what to do. I see my choices as. 1. keep sleeping with him, trying to have sex. downside is failed attempts are fucking me up internally, emotionally. 2. break up with him and go back to focusing on my healing. 3. bring him along for the ride if he's down. perhaps no sex for a bit. (scariest option, but if he's the right person for me, i can learn a lot).

My fear and challenge and I've had this before and don't want to repeat is that once this is brought to light, the power dynamics of the relationship change. I feel "less than" because I can't get my dick as hard and this issue being so disclosed to another person makes me feel ashamed, like I bring a heaviness, less confident etc. Basically it changes dating from playful and light to heavy and intense. Fuck, this is hard and bringing up a lot of darkness for me. I felt like I was doing so good. And feel like there's seeds of falling in love. And now I'm confused, discouraged, and feeling low about this stuff.

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Tomte on December 13, 2015, 11:00:36 AM
From what you wrote he sounds like a really good guy, I think option no.3 might be worth a shot. Try to talk openly about it, see how he reacts, and if he's down take a break from sex, but continue with the intimacy and see what happens.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Phase2 on December 21, 2015, 02:42:03 PM
Go for option no. 3. However, say 'I'm taking a month off of sex." So, lets hang out, have a lot of fun, really get to know each other but my pants aren't coming off until Feb 1. Sounds like he is cool and he'll be ok with that. You are in control and you need to do whats right for YOU.

I think a problem is you are trying before you are ready, and it's fucking with your head. The emotion of feeling failure sucks and it worsens your situation by adding to your anxiety. Wait, wait, wait, until you've put some time in. It will be better for both of you in the long run. Be smart about this.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: juan. on December 24, 2015, 08:11:48 AM
Go for option 3 definitely. If he's worth it, he'll stick around and help you along the way. And he does seems like he's worth it by what you've told so far.

I've had PIED for a while now (although I've only joined this place and started rebooting a few days ago), and all the guys I've slept with have been all 'Don't worry about it' at the time regarding my ED. I think most guys, and certainly all those who are worth it, can understand the situation and be supportive. So be confident, don't fear rejection and never, ever, feel less than other guys or ashamed.
You're worth it to stick around and wait till you're ready.

Also, regarding social networking apps, I don't feel that bad about it, I'm not currently a user, last one I used / my preferred one, is Tinder. I'd rather use Tinder, Grindr, Scruff... than date in a club late at night. But for sure, if you're rebooting you should stay away from them. They are a porn subs to most guys.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on December 27, 2015, 10:02:10 PM
Hey there. Thanks for the support.

Option 3 is the go and so far it's going well. The advice on never feel less than because of this is particularly good and relevant.

Feeling a mix of things. Have had more successful sex both with and without some viagra. But also having regular sex has made me hornier and I've started jerking off again more than before and strangely feel drawn toward porn more than in months (I still have no looked at it).

I feel more secure in the connection I currently have than I have in a long time. That said, it's important to remember how important this healing is and not to take it lightly as I get more comfortable. I want this reboot to result in a healthy, functioning sex life for the rest of my life whether it's with my current sexual partner or others.

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on December 29, 2015, 09:53:04 PM
Okay, definitely needing, wanting, and committing to recommitting to this thread and writing to assist my sexual health healing journey because I have certainly gotten sidetracked and feel like I'm at an important crossroads.

I still have not watched porn since September 11th (getting close to 4 months!).
I've been having sex with a new partner who is aware of the situation (but very minimally), and has made it clear is interested for more than just sex and happy to be part of helping me recover. There's been ease and definite imporovement, but without viagra I have not gotten erect enough for penetration. There's definite more life than before when I was watching porn regularly, but I think viagra will help for now.

That said, out of the blue in the last few weeks I've been feeling serious urges for porn and even jerked off with a dude at the gym in the steam room (shameful to admit), tried to download grindr on my phone, have masturbated for the past week, and have looked at permiscious photos online (but not quite porn). Basically, I am creeping closer to a relapse, and putting my mind inf antasy mode, while becoming more intimate with a person who does not know the severity of this struggle in my past (where it is staying), and worried if I don't stop right now with this risky behavior, it will affect loving my sex life negatively.

That's where writing this down makes it so much clearer. So after I submit this, I commit to zero masturbation for the next 30 days (at least). Why? Because I love having sex with my new lover and want to continue to confidently, allow it to improve, and have ease and ecstasy in the bedroom instead of fear and shame. Wish me luck.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: broutlook on December 30, 2015, 09:57:32 AM
Try watch this, I think it would benefit you, it's about how when you think you're done or you can't keep going, you actually can.

https://youtu.be/9I_u4oZqF8c

It certainly has helped me, not just with this, but in everyday life.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on January 03, 2016, 10:55:05 PM
Thanks for this. It is really helpful.

Feeling better about things and have some more interesting insights on this wild ride...

I got some viagra and was able to have sex after some failed attempts that made me feel disappointed and down on this process. With viagra, I am able to experience intercourse without needing fantasy, am relaxed, confident, and still think this can help heal into a normal sex life without these drugs and bridge the gap in the meantime. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I had sex without viagra and am unable to get hard enough for interourse and it sets me back emotionally. I don't want to totally obstain, although my partner says he would not mind if we needed to for me to recover and feel good. Is using viagra to have sex, while staying away from porn and masturbation, a way to heal?

I am really lucky I am with someone who is reassuring, patient, and not burdened when I've had to bring this up, and be honest about this process and how I'm feeling, although I have relayed all the info, how long it's been going on, etc. Still, things are going in the right direction.



Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on February 02, 2016, 12:03:20 AM
Back on this thread after kind of falling off the wagon.

Part of my process is not just porn, but likely a sex addiction and a mostly anonymous/hook-up oriented sex addiction where my ED is not as big a deal and I am more turned on by porn like sexual encoutners (which are way easy to come by in the gay world).

Before meeting my current partner, I was committed to this journey. And fear perhaps I met him a bit too soon before I was ready. Truth be told, he's a gem, willing to be patient with me. But I still have not told him everything, like...how long it's been going on, why it's happening fully, and that viagra is the only way I've been able to have sex for the past little bit.

I just went overseas for three weeks and kind of relapsed. Slept with random dudes and gay saunas, where gay dudes go to fuck, and people from grindr. We have not been exclusive yet, but this was a big step back. Now I realize more than ever this relationship is exactly what I want. I have to be brave to heal with another person and fully open up.

I guess I'm wondering if there is a way to reboot, and get back to having healthy erections without viagra and fantasys in my head, while still trying to have a sexual relatiosnhip. Before this trip, I was doing great, but fuck this is so hard. I know I'm going to overcome it, but there's been many ups and downs. and it's a wild ride.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Phase2 on February 02, 2016, 07:31:55 PM
Hey KK. Have you seen the book 'Cruise Control'? I'm reading it now. Some guys have mentioned it on here and I got a copy on amazon. You may want to give it a read because it sounds like you have identified yourself as having some of these sexual addiction problems that are dealt with in the book.

Anyway, I'm following your posts, hoping to see some great reports. I'm wishing you the best.

BTW, if I were you I would stop all masturbating. Save it all for your partner. Obviously this isn't easy for you, but it seems to me that if you try a halfway approach, you (we) very easily fall down the slippery slope. Go big or go home as they say. Stop all the small cheats. Stay focused. Keep posting man. I'm rooting for you.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on February 04, 2016, 01:24:08 AM
Thank you for the referral of this book. I am going to order it now, it seems to be speaking exactly to my situation (minus the ED as a result!).

I really appreciate the support and you taking the time to read and the energy of support. I really think the outcomes are going to be great. I am scared to tell my partner everything and at the same time elated that someone I can heal with.

My biggest question now is whether to keep having sex with Viagra. Or stop sex altogether for awhile while I reboot. Both have their pros and cons. I am brave and worthy of love and belonging and can make my partners life better with many parts of myself other than my dick so it's important to remember that the ideal partner is not just about sex. It's hard because in gay culture, it sometimes seems that way.

I'll keep posting now that I'm home. And in a place where I can no longer run from this. Keep sending me good thoughts, the support is felt.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: pearland71 on February 04, 2016, 09:51:17 AM
Just feeling horny is a pretty damn good sign! You just can't PMO/Fap. You're obliviously committed by the volume of your posts/updates but if you're not committed to fully reboot you'll be posting on here for years to come......Good Luck Brother
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on February 14, 2016, 09:22:24 PM
Writing again. It's been a week or so. I've still been using the ED pills from time to time with my partner because, well I want to have sex and connect on that level. The good news is, I am having raging hard erections with them, whereas before, even that was not working. I am also waking up with erections.

I'm still scared to try having sex without the medication. I know it's a cop out, but failing to perform sets me back so much emotionally (even if it doesn't make sense, and my partner does not care, which he doesn't).

It's a wild ride. I'm feeling very committed to not watching porn. I am also 2 full weeks without marijuana. After an overseas trip with lots of spliffs with old friends, I needed a break and decided to take a month off to see how life is without it. Fuck it's challenging. It's been an emotional rollercoaster these past two weeks, but luckily my partner is doing it with me, so it's making it easier. Life has been throwing me curveballs and my old releases (porn, random hookups, and weed) are all no longer options. I'm proud of myself for being strong about all of this. This week exercise is high on the priority list, as it's what keeps me sane and high naturally.

Will keep you all posted, best of luck.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Phase2 on February 17, 2016, 11:34:44 AM
Hey KK. That's good news about your hard ons. That is important to start building your confidence back up.

I'm in the same boat about the ED pills. What I've done is attempted to cut down slowly. I did have two different weekends in the past 6 months with guys I was dating where I took my normal half dose (10mg Cialis). But in general, I've been cutting my pill intake down and now take only about 1.75 mg. I THINK I may be ready to go without (I have identified, finally, that a real, sustainable connection and attraction needs to be there, duh!). But like you, I'm nervous about the setback of it not working. Nervous=anxiety=boner killer. My favorite fuck buddy called yesterday and I started to get boned up thinking about him coming over and I thought, 'Ok, this is the time I don't take it.' Then at the last minute I took my 1.75 dose just cuz, like you, I'm worried about a 'failure'. Then we got our communication lines crossed and he couldn't come. So I took the pill for nothing. Argh!!!!!!

I think if you talk with your partner and tell them you are trying it with no dick pills and see what happens, it will be more like an 'experiment' rather than a failure or success. Anyway, that's something I'm considering.

Glad you ordered a copy of Cruise Control. I know you will find much of it relatable. He even addresses the typical 'gay culture' excuse we all use to explain away our acting out. It's an excuse too many of us use which in turn makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to be reminded there are LOTS of gay men who don't act like sex addicts. We all need to be reminded of it. We are not lemmings. We are individuals and should insist on living our lives according to our own plan and what works for US.

Cheers, guys.


Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: lohster12 on February 19, 2016, 01:38:10 AM
hey there KK,

       HAHA on your grindr thing, because I sort of do the same w/ tinder/facebook as a substitute LOL, my question to you is when you first started the no PMO thing, did you get
really strong urges to masturbate ? i'm 22yrs old and i'm only on day 8 but boy do i always feel dirty now. I also smoke a lot of weed and roll a bit (for raves), but atm i'm off those two
at the same time. Why'd you cut mj off i'm curious though. Great read btw.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on February 19, 2016, 10:19:03 PM
Hey man thanks for writing and reading.

Yes, when I first started I got insane urges to masturbate. I read this book called "The Power of Habit" which I highly recomend and they talk about when you get an urge for something, pick a new action (instead of jerking off, take 3 deep breaths or something).

Well done on starting this. It's challenging but you'll be feeling amazing in a few weeks if you stick with it.

Yeah ganja and rolling are not bad things, I like them too. But I took away the weed because it was everyday and I like to take breaks and reevaluate my relationship to these things. I'm not sure if I'll go back to it after this month or not. Whatever works, it's good to break habits and make them choices rather than compulsions. Best of luck.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on February 24, 2016, 11:51:02 PM
Update.

This has still been challenging. Last week, I looked at porn for the first time since the beginning of September. Kind of brushed off what I big deal it was until I had sex with my boyfriend and realized I needed to fantasize about porn again to orgasm. Not okay, or what I want at all. Good news is, even after a few days, I was really turned on with sex and didn't need to fantasize.

My biggest obstacle to overcome right now is opening up more about this with my partner. I brought it up and we talked more in the beginning. Then I got more viagra which I've been taking every time we've had sex and since the problem is gone and I have really been performing better than I ever have, because of months of no PMO, I've kept it hidden. I told him about the pills, etc, but we haven't had a talk in awhile and I don't want to rely on them and still think a break from sex altogether would be great for starting a fresh reboot since I relapsed a bit. I know he senses how heavy this is for me and has been great at giving space and time for me to open up when I'm ready. And I am ready. We're getting close to the point now that things hidden, especially around our sex life, feels like an unnecessary wall to more love and healing, so I'm going to be brave and open up more about how deep and dark this hole was before and how much healing is happening. And to be totally transparent about taking erection pills for the sake of confidence and sex and intimacy, etc.

What a fucking journey. Feels great to write as always.

 "I love my sex life" - an affirmation I've been telling myself at least a few times in my head each day. It's working :)
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Rebootosaurus on February 26, 2016, 09:01:26 AM
Hey man! I am impressed that you got so far without pmo! Please just continue on this path. I just wanted to ask if you think that you shouldn't have sex so often, maybe you can just suck him off or somthing so it doesn't feel like you make him live in celabacy because of you.

Sorry, english is not my native language so maybe I was a bit of confusing.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on March 02, 2016, 05:16:48 PM
Thanks man.

I realize how much I was starting to cheap. It's a slippery slope. A few days back on track, sex with my partner is better and I realize how much more energy and confidence I have.

Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: kk99 on March 11, 2016, 10:52:31 AM
Okay. I have to start again.

I am even thinking about starting a new thread, because I've been caught in a bad cycle since I went overseas in January and have not 100% gotten back on course.

I started rebooting on September 11th (6 months ago exactly). The most powerful part was realizing it had to be 100%. Not just no porn. But no grindr, or things that are in the grey area. Any sexual stimulus that is not a real person is no.

It was really powerful and challenging. I felt better. Felt my libido coming back. Realized how addicted to porn and sex I was and what a challenge (and how empowering it was) to stop. Shortly after I met my partner. Opened up as much as I felt comfortable. I went on a 3 week trip overseas and slipped back and truthfully have not been on track like I was before.

The shame, guillt, powerlessness, etc all have come back. As well as secrecy. This shit is fucking weird. And intense! I stopped posting so much. Kind of get through it. Kept telling myself I would tell my partner about it all for support, but have instead chose to pretend it's not happening and take viagra to have sex instead. The crazy thing is, after watching porn again, the sex feels different. And not as good.

Anyhow. I need to start over. Exactly 6 months after I began. My goal is again 90 days. Really, my life is too important to get stuck in a habit loop that's holding me back and putting unnecessary weight on my shoulders. I am going to start a new thread and reread all my posting to get some good insight. The support on this forum is incredible, so thank you. We all deserve confident, joyful, real intimacy and sex, it's one of the best parts of life. It's wild we have to battle our minds to recover, but the truth is I am grateful for the first time in years I KNOW what I need to do to heal and I am doing it. So if you have fucked up a little or a lot, like I feel I have, stay kind to yourself. And recommit when yo're ready.
Title: Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
Post by: Greys0n on March 16, 2016, 07:08:48 AM
Best of luck.  Keep rebooting!