Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: willspbr87 on February 02, 2015, 05:59:28 PM

Title: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 02, 2015, 05:59:28 PM
Hello, guys,

I'm a Brazilian man of 28 years old, and I'm here to control my porn fantasies and urges deeply ingrained in my mind since my teen ages.

I grew up as a very shy guy, unable to approach people by myself. That screwed me up for a long time, especially in my relationships with women. My teen ages were sad, lonely and sexless. I used to spend most of my free time playing games and fantasizing about having sex with a girl in school that I liked a lot, but was unable to approach. I never got any good sexual orientation and any good relationship advice from my parents, and I was really depressive.

That was the time I started getting contact with porn. It wasn't the age of high-speed internet porn, though. One day, some of my classmates put in my school bag a half dozen porn magazines and I ended up seeing all of them. I remember that when I read those magazines, I got very attracted to lesbian porn and started to fantasize a lot about sex, inspired by the erotic stories they published, expecting that one day it could get real for me. I also used to turn on the TV late at night just to watch the erotic chat advertisements that were common at the time, which consisted of girls doing striptease. I watched them and went right to the bathroom to fantasize about the striptease I liked most, and kind of conditioned myself to have an orgasm when the chick took her bikini top off... that's crazy! :P

My bad habits escalated when I lost my virginity at 21, when I was in college... and with a prostitute. At the time I wondered if I was ejaculating too fast, because I'd pay for half an hour and would stay with the chick for half that time... but I didn't take it seriously, as my erections were OK and I was getting excited.

And so, I went on masturbating, playing MMORPG games, watching amateur porn pictures in the internet, fantasizing about girls that I knew I would never have the courage to approach, and visiting prostitutes whenever I could. But by the end of my college, when I was 23, I felt that my life sucked and I was a complete loser, and I could get stuck in life forever if I didn't do anything about it. I felt that I needed love from a woman to feel really accomplished, that was what was missing in my life.

I started reading a lot of stuff on how to attract girls, started going out more, trying to approach girls. But on the other hand, I intensified the use of porn, as I believed it would help me get in the mood of a libidinous guy, the one who's able to woo at any beautiful girl dressed up to catch my attention. It didn't work, and I ended up getting a weird habit of taking pictures of girls's butts in the street... it fortunately didn't last long, as I used to feel a lot of shame of myself after doing it and realized that I could get caught anytime.

In the end of 2011, I found a forum of guys giving each other links and advice for self-improvement. It was there where I found a link to the YBOP website. It definitely opened my eyes for the harm that porn had done in me by the time, and that was when I finally decided to quit porn and MMORPG games. It was a painful process - I even got an anxiety attack by the end of 2012, soon after quitting MMORPG - , but it helped me get back some control in my life. I progressively got rid of porn, but kept on masturbating and going to prostitutes, although I masturbated much less frequently - from every 2 days to every 2 weeks. It was in this time that I picked up one prostitute and started going out only with her. It wasn't a serious relationship, though, but I was feeling better and more confident. I even tried approaching girls again.

Finally, in the middle of the last year, I got my first girlfriend. She wasn't beautiful and had lupus, a chronic immunological disease which made me wonder a lot about my future with her. That was when I had to face my problems with early ejaculation. I wasn't able to satisfy her and that would make me feel guilty. And to make things worse, I went to an urologist that advised me to do edging. Soon after, I ended up masturbating more and I had hard times in bed, now facing a serious ED. My erections were weak, or would get weak immediately upon penetration. Sometimes I'd feel my penis dead and it was very frustrating. We broke up in December; then, I went for a prostitute and failed to get an erection again. That's when I got into YBOP again, now willing for a complete reboot and orientation in the right direction. I started a NoFap in December 30th on my own and could resist until two days ago. It was very beneficial for me, as right before relapsing I got back some confidence, felt that my dick was getting back into life, I was getting some morning woods (which I didn't have for a long time) and even got a new girlfriend, and was getting aroused just by staying with her.

I'm here to get rid of the habit of masturbating and having sexual fantasies when I wasn't supposed to. I remember that in my early ages, my dick used to get really hard with very little stimulation, and I hope that I can get back that power. I've got a counter for me and will share with you my progress. For now I've set my goal to stay without PMO for 60 days, which is a real challenge, as I'd never resist more than 30 days without masturbating.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 02, 2015, 08:58:36 PM
Oh, now I've got my clock working. Ready for the 60 days of NoFap!!!  :D
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 04, 2015, 05:52:33 PM
4th day without fapping

I had some urges to fap today, but they weren't as strong as the ones I had in the first 2 days. I think the first 2 days after I fap are the more challenging ones, because in those days I miss a lot the pleasure of masturbating. It isn't even for fantasizing about a hot chick, it's just for the orgasmic pleasure which relieves me. I used to fap for the most time of my life as a way to relieve my anxiety and deal with boredom, and I think that was the habit that has waned my libido over the years. I recall that fact every time I have an urge to fap, and that helps me to stay in the NoFap challenge. In dealing with the urges this way for 3 days, these urges wane by the 4th day, and then I can stay without fapping for at least 2 weeks.

After the 4th day, though, I get worried about my sexual performance, as it seems that my penis is entering in a long hybernation. I've read about flatline many times, but I'm still insecure about it and I can't tell exactly if I'm facing one. I do feel some erections during the day, but they are never spontaneuos - my penis doesn't get up when I'm not stimulating it, or having a sexual fantasy, or playing with my girlfriend. I'm not having morning wood since I fapped last time, 4 days ago. When I think about it, I start to miss the time my penis would be hard as a rock whenever my bladder got full and I couldn't piss in time. I'm not even able to do it now... I made a test yesterday and it didn't get up. But I'm avoiding to masturbate and fantasize, despite the horrible sensation of feeling my penis dead.

That's what I have to say for today. Feedback is very appreciated.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: Tarmala on February 04, 2015, 10:05:15 PM
Take your time, for myself, the first day are always bad, and I'm angry. But after a week or two, I see the benefit and my brain feel more confortable.

And don't see only the result in the hardness of your dick. The most important changes are in your brain, in the way you conceive a relation, the way you look at other girl, the way you see life. For myself, the difference had been huge, but it took a year for that.

I wish you good luck, continu to write, it helped me a lot doing that.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 10, 2015, 09:11:25 PM
Thanks a lot, Tarmala!

I didn't even figure out this is my 10th day without fapping, maybe because avoiding all kinds of porn is becoming an habit. My home network is free of porn since I set up an OpenDNS proxy; now, I look away from any picture of a bikini girl that appears in the news portals (which in Brazil appears everyday), as well as celebs' pictures and reality show's pictures. Avoiding those pictures still take a lot of conscious effort and I feel a strong urge to look at them, though. I even stopped looking so much at girls in the street, as I used to do.

I'm concentrating on getting sexual pleasure only by staying with my girlfriend; we've been dating for a little more than 1 month and I've been putting off my first sexual intercourse with her just to check out how my sexual desire for her goes. And it's getting better each day! I felt real boners when we had hot makeouts with lots of kisses in the backseat of my car, and when we went out in the last weekend, I felt that I'm starting to really like her. I stopped worrying about how her body was far from an "ideal" female body, and that has let me enjoy more my time with her. Today, I said to her that I wanted to have sex with her in this weekend, and we set that up for this Saturday. Although I'm really nervous, as I had ED in my last sexual intercourses, I have hopes that it will be alright this weekend.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 14, 2015, 09:54:09 PM
Had sex with my gf. Bad thing is that I couldn't get my penis hard enough to penetrate her... It would get up in foreplay, then would quickly deflate and would have a hard time to get it up again. I even got an ejaculation without my penis erect!

In short: My mind is completely messed up sexually. I just can't keep it up to the finish. I opened myself to her about my problems and she was supportive, but still every frustrated attempt to have sex is horrible... :(
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: Tarmala on February 15, 2015, 11:50:32 PM
Well, you are lucky with your supportive girlfriend. Take your time, I put a lot of pressure on me before, and with patience, I learn that I did need to act like in porn to  have good sex with my girlfriend. Porn also changed the way I saw sex, i took months to get over it, but once it's done, life is changed.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 17, 2015, 09:06:41 AM
Thanks a lot, Tarmala! I appreciate a lot your comments, and I'm willing to do whatever I want to get over this!

I've been going out with my gf every night, since it's Carnival and we are going to work and study only tomorrow. It's going fine, since I feel I get aroused when I'm kissing and petting her. I wish I had sex with her once again, but the fact I have PIED makes me scared of frustrating myself and her once again.. :(

And yesterday night, I went out with her and her family (her two sisters, a brother-in-law who is married to one of them and their two kids) for a bowling. We had a nice time, except some technical problems with our track cut  our fun at the end. But then, when we went to the parking booth to validate our parking tickets, it turns out that there was a super hot blonde chick waiting in the line. She was wearing a black shirt, gray skirts and high heels - a combination of clothes that really turns me on- and well, I had a hard time trying to focus myself on my girlfriend, who was right by my side. I hugged her more, looked at her more, but my mind was always trying to shift my attention to that hot blonde. I started to think, "Goddamnit, when I was alone, I always dreamed to have a beautiful girl by my side, and now that I have one, it seems that I get bored of her fast and start looking elsewhere... what if I had that blonde chick? Would I get bored with her too and have the attitude I was having?" - then, that blonde chick went away and I looked at her walking... that gorgeous look of her body would have made me get a real boner if I wasn't drowned in such a moral dilemma.

And now, I feel like masturbating once again... urging to get an orgasm by thinking about the blonde's ass, but struggling not to indulge in masturbation. I'm going to pick up my girlfriend for lunch, so I hope I can forget this fantasy soon. And I hope I get rid of all sexual fantasies over time, because that's what screwed me up. I don't visit porn sites for two years, I think, but I used to fantasize while masturbating regularly in a span of 10 days before I started to reboot, so the porn is still in my mind and getting rid of it is much more difficult than just blocking access to Redtube and deleting porn from the computer!

Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 17, 2015, 09:32:00 PM
I masturbated tonight. I was too happy with the time I spent with my girlfriend today, in which I neared an orgasm just by simulating a sexual act with her (without taking off our clothes), and I thought that masturbating after such a pleasurable day wouldn't be bad... a mid trick, you know...

Time to feel the pain of resetting my counter after being close to reaching a third of my goal of 60 days without fapping.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 19, 2015, 07:56:21 PM
One day after I masturbated and, well... It's stil hard to manage my feelings when I feel my erections aren't strong enough and I flatline by night. I saw a porn footage by accident (two girls in bikinis shaking their asses at the end of a shitty YouTube video) and got LITERALLY NO REACTION TO THAT, but then I saw a videoclip sent by my gf on Whatsapp that had a couple caressing each other, and that caressing turned me on a little... I think this is a sign that I'm starting to value the sexual acting (the caressing and lovemaking) over viewing hot chicks in minimal clothing enticing my libido. Or is too early for me to take any conclusion?
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 20, 2015, 07:44:04 PM
I got excited googling about karezza. I can relate totally to what it says about the meaning of a fulfilling sexual relationship, because I used to have sex with prostitutes and I know by experience that sex with them is really boring. It was exciting in the first times because of curiosity, but over time I started to realize that there was something missing in it, and it was companionship. Once I realized that, I lost interest in having sex with them and since that I had my first girlfriend, I told myself that I'd never have sex with them ever again.

Some evils come for good. This period of ED and low libido that I'm passing is making me rethink about many concepts I had about relationships. I used to value a good relationship as one with lots of sex, lots of sexual fantasies being realized and lots of passion, and a couple who would have sex for less than 2 times a month would be in risk of becoming asexuated or breaking up; that's why I became so desperated when I realized I have PIED, because I thought that soon my gf would realize it and give up of me. But it turns out that I slowed things down with this new gf I have and focused more on cuddling her and being affectionate with her while we are together, and my relationship with her is getting more intimate and rewarding each day! I will read more about karezza and introduce her to it soon, because I want it to get even better and I hope it can really help my reboot.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 23, 2015, 06:09:20 PM
Day 5... I experienced flatline in the entire weekend, only had a fair erection this afternoon. I'm still getting used to this period of low libido. It's too strange for a man, but what can I do?
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: Revialk on February 23, 2015, 06:50:38 PM
Had sex with my gf. Bad thing is that I couldn't get my penis hard enough to penetrate her... It would get up in foreplay, then would quickly deflate and would have a hard time to get it up again. I even got an ejaculation without my penis erect!

In short: My mind is completely messed up sexually. I just can't keep it up to the finish. I opened myself to her about my problems and she was supportive, but still every frustrated attempt to have sex is horrible... :(

I know this feeling man. The worst thing is thinking about it makes it even worser, pure psychological trap. I'm sure with rebooting we'll get our natural virility and satisfy our women as they deserve.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on February 26, 2015, 08:24:12 PM
I hope so, Revialk. Libido makes me feel alive, and I miss it so much... can't wait to be able to penetrate my gf and make her have an orgasm with me. That will be amazing!

Btw, I had sex with her the day before yesterday, but there was no penetration nor orgasm. When I was close to orgasm, I told her that we should stop and relax, and then we took a rest and kissed a little more later. I'll try to avoid orgasms while rebooting to see if I can recover faster.

It was difficult to concentrate today because of the porn urges. I was thinking about how porn has taken over my imagination, and I think that triggered a lot of porn thoughts I used to have. I even got myself looking at pretty girls in the street, which is a thing that I've been trying to avoid. It's just the effects of flatline diminish that I start to do this, but I need to keep this going for at least 60 days. I never stayed 60 days without porn or fap in the last years, but this time I will... and coming here and seeing in my counter that it's 15% done is very motivating, it definitely will help me keep focused!
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on March 09, 2015, 07:42:47 PM
19 days without a reset.

Last week, I've been noticing that my penis is erect almost every time I wake up during early morning. This is good, but it seems to work only during that time, and I feel that those erections aren't that strong. I'm way far to get excited when I see a hot woman, and flatlines are stronger in some days. I still get cravings to masturbate, but it's getting easy to handle: I just need to remember that I'm pretty fine without having an orgasm, and my girlfriend is always there to satisfy my sexual and companionship needs.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on March 15, 2015, 02:59:43 PM
25 days without PMO

I fell quite better overall. In the last week, I noticed I'm more energized and feel less tired during the day, although my sleep habits haven't changed. I feel it's easier to stay away from porn  and its substitutes, keep porn thoughts out of my mind, and my sex drive is returning because my attention is getting caught when I see beautiful girls in the street, although I don't get any erection yet. I also noticed that the semen leakage - one of the sympoms of PIED - diminished a lot; I used to have semen leakage after each erection I had before the reboot, but in the last week I didn't have any, except yesterday when I was with my girlfriend.

I'm anxious for the 30 day mark and the second half of this reboot process to come!
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on March 30, 2015, 05:56:18 PM
When I was in my 27th day without fapping, I had sex with my girlfriend. For the first time in months I was able to penetrate a woman successfully, and it was so nice! For 2 days after that day I was horny, but horny like I didn't was in years! And then, until the next week after, I was feeling that I was being more responsive when I was around my girlfriend, and I feel there is life below the belt, I think there is more blood flowing through my penis, the erections are getting stronger and firm, although they don't make me confident enough about my performance.

But this road to recovery has ups and downs, as many men have said here, and now I'm on another down. I wish I could get an erection only by touching it and it lasted longer, I dread failing in bed again because it's quite far from 100%, although it's 40 days with absolutely no porn and no orgasm through wanking! I have cravings for fapping just by thinking of it, and sometimes I slip by massaging it a little until it starts getting up, but I stop - No, no, no!!!
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: NeverSurrender on March 31, 2015, 01:00:59 AM
Damn dude great for you, dont fuck it up and relapse. Youre on the right path now stay there!

Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on April 08, 2015, 05:34:54 PM
Relapsed after 49 days. I was pissed off due to the fact I have a lot of semen leakage when I make out with my girlfriend, so after the encounter I decided to release myself from it and masturbated. I was able to have an orgasm without having any porn fantasy and 49 days is such a great mark for one who's never been without masturbating for more than 30 days. But I failed to reach 60 days and I need to admit it. Let's go back on the track.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on April 23, 2015, 09:16:32 PM
Some days after I relapsed, I thought about the semen leakage, which was worrying me a lot, and I looked for information about that. I found that it might be a normal thing to happen to any man which was excited, and that made me relax a little. Then, I started doing a 10 minute meditation and practiced everyday. On April 14, only 6 days after relapsing, I had sex with my girlfriend one more time, and what a sweet surprise: I performed really well! It took a while to get it up, but when it got up, I could penetrate her and do the job for quite a while until the orgasm... and one hour later, I was able to do it again, make her get and orgasm and get myself another orgasm! It couldn't have been better! The last time I was able to do that was somewhere in 2013, and it wasn't as good as this one! And the better thing: I didn't feel wasted the next day, and I felt my little boy was alive, with a lot of blood flowing in it and getting erect at random times!

That made me realize that, despite the relapses, abstaining from masturbation while staying away from porn really helped me build up libido and enjoy the intimacy with real girls. My girlfriend is helping me get more secure in bed, too, as she understands my problems and doesn't pressure me to perform. And since that night, my concerns over ED became of secondary importance, and I feel almost any urges to test myself, which will help me keep in the right direction.
Title: Re: Rebooting my life for better
Post by: willspbr87 on June 08, 2015, 07:11:28 PM
It's been a long time since I posted last time, and so many things happened... I'll write what happened in the last month

In the first week of May, I went out for a travel with my gf, and it was a nice 3-day trip which was amazing. I was able to have sex with her 2 times in the first day, 3 times in the second and one more time in the last morning. I was totally relaxed, horny, and it was so, so nice! :) I could finally feel how well I can be with her by my side!

Then, we would have sex once in every two weeks, because my vacation was gone. And during that time, I didn't notice any change in my libido levels, frequency of erections, etc. Now, I'm wondering if my real problem is performance anxiety, because I had sex with her yesterday and I struggled a bit to get a good erection and it wouldn't last as long as I could last when I was travelling.

I fapped today, because I wanted to relieve myself from terrifying stories of men who got their libido struck by the use of finasteride (I took it for about 6 months back in 2012, and stopped after hearing of its side effects). I could reach the orgasm by sensation only, and I finally completed my 60-day challenge by staying 61 days without masturbating! I feel that this counter was going really slow... or it's just my anxiety up which makes me feel like this. Now, I'll try to stay 90 days without touching my penis and see how it goes. I hope finasteride didn't make a mess on my libido, which used to be really high in my teen ages and early 20s.