Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: OhOh on November 17, 2020, 05:22:23 PM

Title: Free
Post by: OhOh on November 17, 2020, 05:22:23 PM

This is one of those trying again posts I'm afraid.

I'm a long-term battler with porn addiction who's never quite defeated it.

I am 50 in January. I am in a long-term relationship. I am employed. I have secure housing. Really I am very lucky.

My story with porn is as long and complicated as anyone's, but will no doubt have some common features.

The over-arching feature of this story is that I was an alcoholic and drug addict (mainly alcohol) from around the age of 16 until 7 years ago.

I was a very late developer sexually, and extremely anxious and insecure about my sexuality. I had a couple of sort-of relationships at university but was such a mess in so many other ways that they were just another complication. I started my first serious relationship while doing postgraduate studies. It was a sexual explosion for me. And, yet, I always had a feeling that I had missed out because of my delated puberty. That's one rationalisation. Along with alcohol and drugs I started obsessively buying pornography (videos!).

This went on for years and escalated into unsafe sexual encounters with sex workers.

When the internet arrived...

In a lot of ways I can see I am lucky in this too. I have not suffered serious or sustained ED. I remain in my relationship - my second serious relationship, in which I'm very happy. I never really experienced the escalation in the sort of material I watched that I have read some suffer from.

I have put so much of my bad behaviour behind me. I no longer take any drugs, I don't smoke, visiting sex workers was a short-lived obsession driven mostly by opportunity and intoxication. But I cannot escape from either porn or social media acciction - perhaps more broadly internet addiction.

Like many people I work online. I have to be on the internet for my work. I have tried a number of times to quit porn. I was a member of NoFap for a long time and had my best successes there: though I never even managed 30 days clean.

I managed to quit Facebook in 2016. Now I am completely and hopelessly addicted to twitter, largely driven by engagement with political activism of a sort. 

My best periods were when I used k9 as a blocker. I may try again, but I know it's not up to date any more. I would happily try net nanny or another paid-for programme to be honest and have a blocking programme called Freedom - that is a bit too easy to get around.

I am starting again now because my partner has gone away for a couple of weeks and I want to take this opportunity to work on myself. We have a damaged but just about alive sex life. I'd love for that to be much better and long-term abstinence is not an option for me. My partner knows I have had isses with pornography in the past. I am unsure of the extent to which she is aware that it is currently a live issue - I suspect she may know. I was brought up to NEVER SPEAK ABOUT SEX in fact, to AGGRESSIVELY STAY AWAY FROM ANY SPEECH ABOUT SEX (and most other emotion), so this is an issue for me.

There's really nothing to stop me, but I will happily take any advice going, and I look forward to speaking with some of you. Good luck in your own struggles, perhaps we can be stronger together!

Thinking about this now I would really like to be myself, honestly, fully and completely; to not be ashamed, and to not have multiple anonymous internet personas - I have ambitions towards writing or journalism or campaigning around this... god, I've got lots of plans, but nothing ever comes to anything, because twitter has updated.

At the moment twitter feels the more urgent problem to me. I use other social media occasionally, and in response to twitter withdrawal - something always stands in for it and becomes a problem in its own way. I use porn in a relatively controlled way. Not always every day. But it's always there. And I don't want to be. Legitimately, that is a decision I want to be able to make.

These are challenging times for so many people, I hope everyone is safe and well.

All the best: solidarity and strength to you all. 


x ;0) 

Title: Re: Free
Post by: Phineas 808 on November 18, 2020, 07:40:27 AM
Hi Owain, nice to meet you! And welcome to Reboot Nation. Sorry this post was ‘hanging’ out there for a day with no response... (we kind of have that in common!)

Being a “trying again post” is actually a badge of honor! It means that you’re not giving up. We have several similarities in our story, including what trips us up.

I’m also a long time battler with this thing, but I’ve seen longer term successes than yourself, so far.
I hope we can help and encourage each other.

Two quick things, if you change your habits around social media, it will definitely help with the bigger issue. I’m having to do the same thing, with success!

Also, I hope you reply, because I think I can help you learn that you can say ‘No’ to this crap, even without having to use filters or blockers. All my successes have been without using either.

Be blessed, and welcome again!

Title: Re: Free
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 18, 2020, 11:39:17 PM
Hi Owain - A hearty but belated welcome to the board! Sorry for not reaching out and welcoming you sooner. It does get a bit quiet here sometimes, but don't let that discourage you. There are a lot of long time battlers here like yourself who will gladly support you on this journey and share in your triumphs and struggles along the way.

I also started down this path a long time ago and have had a modest amount of success at abstaining from P, but like you, I've never quite defeated it. I only recently came back to RN again after a long hiatus, and I'm really glad I did.

As far as your "trying again post" goes, I have to agree with Phineas that coming here and trying again is neither an admission of failure nor cause for shame. It takes courage to come here and be vulnerable with a community of complete strangers - a community that is stronger with you in it. So, keep coming back and post often. Take care, friend.