Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: Bunny on October 16, 2020, 10:25:45 AM

Title: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 16, 2020, 10:25:45 AM
Hello world as the geekys often say.

I am Bunny. The average pr0n addict. 40 year old male from earth.

Tried nofap runs a few times more than a lot but here i am yet again in an attempt to heal my dingdong.

Went from mags, to pics, to video clips, to piracy, to deeper and worse and worse things till i no longer had no lust for woman and when i found one i had a sever case of mr floppy questioning why i started watching same sex clips as i never ever ever had thought that was something i found interesting.

When it was at the very worst i could only watch things once and spend over half an hour death grib the life out of myself around 8 times a day.  I started hunting new shit every day just downloading gigabytes after gigabytes of things that made me feel shitty after i was done just to delete it again and start looking for more.

At one point every time i hooked up it was severe death i showed her and even tho no matter what nothing happened. Started hating woman and started on torture related data.

Some time after i ran in to nofap on reddit and laughed. I found the concept laughable. Porn being bad .. hah.. The doctors i had gone to with the floppy issue told me that touching was natural and good for you..  Then i ran in to X and she was at the time the best thing i have ever in my run across in my life. Made me feel so happy but.. Only thing i had to show her was floppy. She ended up leaving and that caused me to crash in to depression and self damage with drugs and alcohol. I crashed massively. Aaaand realized it might be something to this not touching your self and going mental some time.

have had over 20 attempts and never gotten longer than 78 days. At that point i had to get relief or i would have ended up in a fight. But "fun" thing was i felt worse than i had ever felt when i relapsed in panic over that aggression.

i am on day 5 now. After a new tinder date turned floppy.

Really makes me sad this shit. I hate the craving.. It promises me unicorns, rainbows and happieness.. Tells me just fap once.. Just once and you will feel better. Its worth it.. But never ever tells the truth.  Ends up sitting in self hate and regretting.

Might just vanish in the masses of other peoples struggle but this one is mine.

Peace
Bunny.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: LetItGoAlready on October 16, 2020, 11:26:27 AM
Quote
Really makes me sad this shit. I hate the craving.. It promises me unicorns, rainbows and happieness.. Tells me just fap once.. Just once and you will feel better. Its worth it.. But never ever tells the truth.  Ends up sitting in self hate and regretting.

Might just vanish in the masses of other peoples struggle but this one is mine.

Hi Bunny-Welcome. It takes courage to reveal your struggles with PA and admit that it no longer brings you happiness, just sadness and shame. Everyone here has fallen for the promise of satisfaction that fapping one more time or infinite times never delivers. It's an exhausting, circular pursuit that has no end - unless you challenge the lie and and decide to stop the chase completely.

Are you an "average" porn addict? I'd argue probably not since you came here to help and heal yourself. For every person on this board who is working through this issue, there are a great many more people out in the larger world who are neither motivated nor interested in quitting. What I'm saying is give your credit for coming here, because it's not an easy thing to do and not everyone has the strength to make that decision.

As for the floppiness you speak of, that sounds like PIED, a problem many people here have dealt with and have successfully overcome. I would encourage you to read what others have written about this topic and draw inspiration and ideas from their stories that you can then apply to your own situation.

The final thought I have is about "vanishing." Yes, it's true. Many people here vanish in the masses because they write only a post or two and are never heard from again. If you want to be seen among the masses, don't be that guy. Be the guy who checks in often and drops in on other peoples' journals, because that's that's how you get the help and support you need and also how you can help other people help themselves through this difficult journey.

Best of luck to you, friend!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 17, 2020, 04:54:12 AM
Thanks for the kind words.  Its a bit shameful to end up in PIED. Really messed with my mind.

day 6.
Could not sleep enough. Spend most night rolling around trying to get some rest. Felt like shit when i got up and mood goes thru various anger and sadness.  Feels like im a bit off from the normal. Hit the gym again and found my trying not to look at the temptations or triggers doing various things. Saturday is a bad day as more people are there and i had to fight the urges to go home and relapse.

Got my food stuff and returned home asafp to close the door and take a cold shower.

Feel a lot of sadness today. Not even a week in and the depression is going strong.

Lots of hours yet to kill today still.  Going for a long walk in a bit with a good audiobook. Are some wonderful nature close by to find some solitude.

Thanks for reading

Bunny
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Jayd on October 17, 2020, 08:41:26 AM
Hi Bunny, I can relate to you with trying and failing with nofap number of times, but believe me this is the only way, not just for having satisfying sex but also for improving your general perspective in life. Hopefully you and I and all others here will do it this time.
Good luck on your journey.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Rookie on October 18, 2020, 09:47:21 AM
Keep the fight. If I can give any piece of advice...unless needed for work, put a STRONG pause on all electronic devices that give access to the internet / movies. That's what I did in the first 2 months of my reboot.

Keep the fight, you will see it gets better. Temptations are going to be very, very strong within your first 30 days, some for 60....but once you're over the hard part, you finally have some resistance to the temptation.

And you will see, it's very much worth it.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: eyecan on October 18, 2020, 10:48:54 AM
Hi Bunny, your post reminds me a lot of myself, same progression, same problems. I feel for you. One advice I can give you is spend as much time in nature as you can, nature has a calming, balancing effect (no wonder people call it Mother Nature), it will help you. Stay strong friend.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 19, 2020, 06:14:57 AM
thanks @eyecan im here if you need a talk or a m8 to chat with thru this :)

day 8.

slept 9 hours this night and awoke with morning wood. Had a moment where the brain fog started to lift but short after it returned.
Hit the gym again and this time it was packed with triggers so spend most of the training to look at the floor. I really hate them pants they use. I returned home to get a cold shower but did not do much so i found an icepack and cooled down the....area. It sucks but its better than relapsing

Feel like shit, feel good. My experience is that every attempt on doing a nofap run is that every attempt is different than the last.

I feel more this time. I feel the pain more, feel the craving more, feel the happieness, the enjoyment more.

Do hope this attempt goes well as i calculated the 90 days to hit my 41 year birthday.

I am going nuts here, it hurts, im going thru severe cravings. Know this will stop in a matter of days but thats far away from this moment.

Stay strong out there.

Tomorrow will be better im sure

Bunny
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: eyecan on October 19, 2020, 08:41:30 AM
Hi Bunny, sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time with the cravings and all that shit. What can I say? Good books, good films, meditation, yoga, sports (cycling is amazing for me). prayer, nature walks, cold showers. We all got it in ourselves, what's needed to succeed, with each failed attempt we just learn that we gotta dig deeper to keep going. Stay strong firend.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Rookie on October 20, 2020, 08:33:00 AM
I hate going to the gym for the same reason....most women want us to stare, they don't admit it. They say "that's how I'm comfortable"...and they have no idea and are ignorant at how it makes some of us addicts feel.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 21, 2020, 03:18:03 AM
10 days.

i am so fucking angry, sad, frustrated and restless all at once. Sweating way more for some reason. I noticed girls looking at me differently and im able to keep eye contact.

I want to get the fuck away from it all but i cant get away from myself. Its not even lunch time here i and im losing my mind here.  At least i got some issues done and i spend time cleaning and making my home cleaner. Dont really know why but when i pull to much robe my apartment turn shit hole fast. Like i dont care about shit, how i look or how i live.

Know 10 days aint much and a lot of struggle ahead but this is the longest i gone atleast 6 months.

tried to hit the gym earlier but who knew so many was there that early. fml so much to look at.. Did my thing, pushed thru and got home to a cold shower and browsed the nofap reddit thread and this forum. When everything else fail i read up on success stories and others struggle.

Here is to 10 days more.. and then 10 days more after that.

Peace and good day to you all.

Bunny.

Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: mousemat1 on October 21, 2020, 08:59:46 AM
It gets better. In some ways kicking the porn habit is like denying yourself oxygen. Your brain wants it so badly that it'll throw up all kinds of shit to get you give it what it wants.

Recovery isn't linear. I tried to hit 10 days so many times and failed, so you're doing really well. Take it one day at a time. They way I try to make it seem less daunting for me is to consider that I sleep 8 hours a day, so I just need to avoid porn for 16 hours each day.

Stay strong! We will always be addicts, but it gets easier to cope with it.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: workinprogressUK on October 21, 2020, 09:54:03 AM
Know 10 days aint much and a lot of struggle ahead but this is the longest i gone atleast 6 months.

10 days is plenty if you've not previously been used to that long without. Congrats. You're making progress.
Here's a suggestion you might want to throw straight in the bin, but it helped me, so I'll make it. I'm a gym rat. Weights 4-5 times a week. I used to use a "big box" corporate gym that was full of the kind of distractions you mention, which used to drive me mad, because I'd go there with the aim of focusing purely on my training, as a break from the fantasy and P, but I'd end up with my brain full of the wrong stuff. So I joined a really small gym instead. Functional fitness kind of place, with only about 40 members, and an average age of about 45. There's never more than 3-4 people in there and I'm never challenged by the kind of distractions that we both find hard to manage. I guess what I'm saying is that if the Big Box full of lycra girls is messing with your head.... you have options. Take care. Hope you make it clean into day 11!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: peter1717 on October 22, 2020, 01:30:37 AM
10 days.

i am so fucking angry, sad, frustrated and restless all at once. Sweating way more for some reason. I noticed girls looking at me differently and im able to keep eye contact.

I want to get the fuck away from it all but i cant get away from myself. Its not even lunch time here i and im losing my mind here.  At least i got some issues done and i spend time cleaning and making my home cleaner. Dont really know why but when i pull to much robe my apartment turn shit hole fast. Like i dont care about shit, how i look or how i live.

Know 10 days aint much and a lot of struggle ahead but this is the longest i gone atleast 6 months.

tried to hit the gym earlier but who knew so many was there that early. fml so much to look at.. Did my thing, pushed thru and got home to a cold shower and browsed the nofap reddit thread and this forum. When everything else fail i read up on success stories and others struggle.

Here is to 10 days more.. and then 10 days more after that.

Peace and good day to you all.

Bunny.

10 Days means you can do another 10 days... and then another 10.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 22, 2020, 08:12:50 AM
Day 11.

Slept less than 3 hours this night. Spend rolling in my own regrets and memories of bad behavior.  All the chances i wasted and all the shit i pulled people thru from having the dead noodle syndrome. How myself hate and self destructive ways all come from that envy of the guys that found what i craved so badly easy. I turned to drugs to a point that became daily. When im high,drunk and spend hours finding that one video i watched months ago i feel less and time just vanished.

Never wanted to be this kinda person, guess its the first time ever in my life i realize i have said loud that i am addicted to porn.

Fuck im in tears now..

Was so close to relapsing earlier today. Hurts so bad atm. Feel sick, cold and like a worthless pile of regret.This have really been a hard day for me.  Worst so far

Going to leave my phone at home and go as far as i can to get away from internet and temptations.

Best of luck on your journey.

Bunny
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: TheNorman on October 22, 2020, 11:25:52 AM
Bunny, admitting you're an addict is huge. It's such a scary thing to admit but it's also so powerful. Saying "I'm an addict" isn't for the weak. Continuing to wallow in that addiction and ignoring it is weakness.
Saying "I'm an addict" and fighting it means you're stronger than you know. Getting away from the internet and temptations is a great plan. It will allow your mind to start creating those new pathways away from porn. You are already 11 days into changing those paths. Focus on how good it feels to say that for those 11 days you struggled but didn't break. You can do this.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: peter1717 on October 23, 2020, 07:14:12 AM
Day 11.

Slept less than 3 hours this night. Spend rolling in my own regrets and memories of bad behavior.  All the chances i wasted and all the shit i pulled people thru from having the dead noodle syndrome. How myself hate and self destructive ways all come from that envy of the guys that found what i craved so badly easy. I turned to drugs to a point that became daily. When im high,drunk and spend hours finding that one video i watched months ago i feel less and time just vanished.

Never wanted to be this kinda person, guess its the first time ever in my life i realize i have said loud that i am addicted to porn.

Fuck im in tears now..

Was so close to relapsing earlier today. Hurts so bad atm. Feel sick, cold and like a worthless pile of regret.This have really been a hard day for me.  Worst so far

Going to leave my phone at home and go as far as i can to get away from internet and temptations.

Best of luck on your journey.

Bunny

Hey bunny.  Just a thought.  Feeling terrible is going to make it easier to relapse.
Put everything into perspective.  You trying to be a better person.
You cannot change the past, look ahead.
Let the way you feeling now, be a motivation to keep focused on recovery.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 26, 2020, 03:11:47 PM
Thanks for the responses. Helped me not to fall.

End of day 15.

Last few days have been horrible. Night sweats, low everything. Lost interest in everything. Just gray and worthless.
Got so depressed i called a suicide hotline last night. Just felt like nothing mattered and i dont matter. Wasted my life, everything is to late ..ow joy all the goodies on repeat.
Just want to feel normal. Know its the dreaded flatline and even tho ive been thru it many times it never ever become easier (for me) to go thru

Know if i relapse the thought is it will feel good and freakin sparklers and rainbows but everytime i end up sitting feeling its not worth it the very second its over.

I hate this feeling.

Hope you are keeping the fight going strong.

Bunny.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: LetItGoAlready on October 26, 2020, 09:32:24 PM
Hi Bunny-I sent you a DM. I hope all’s well, friend.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on October 28, 2020, 04:32:17 AM
Day 17.

Awoke at 5 in the morning restless and in deep depression. Took up the long walk towards the gym as early as possible to stay away from people. Feel so angry towards people atm.

My mother is a destructive person who really turns your feelings in to shit. So when im in this state of feeling like shit and angry she dropped some triggers in me to get my head to spin. She have in the past done some sexual advanced towards me that really made me feel shitty. Nothing happened back then as i got the frick out of there but still in my memory everytime i hear her voice, see her face.She ended up twisting my words and make me feel even worse than did before. So not even lunch time and i am stressed out in selfhate. I just want relief.  Sitting with an icepack on the area so i fought off a relapse. Anyways im a fucking mess atm. Lesson in life. today might seem like it cant get anyworse... Just wait for tomorrow. It can and will mostly always become worse.

Very down and depressed

Hope your doing better than i

Bunny
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: LetItGoAlready on October 28, 2020, 11:18:35 PM
Hi Bunny- Just sent you another DM. In addition to checking in here, I do hope you’re getting the help you need outside of this forum to deal with the painful trauma you’re describing and very serious depressed feelings that have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I’m genuinely concerned for you.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on November 01, 2020, 03:55:53 AM
21 days.

had bad case of insomina and restlessness the last 4 days.

Do feel better than i have the last few weeks. The blur started to lift. Decided to stay off the social media the last few days from all that halloween stuff and various pictures bomb.
Its quite hard to get away from when its so much in our face on a daily basis. Did some walks in the nearby forest and had a nice relaxing music walk. Leaves falling n such. Was nice to be in the moment. No people, no internet.

Reached my first goal this run so here is to reaching 30 days.

Hope you all are doing well in your fight.
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Rookie on November 01, 2020, 10:05:45 AM
Keep strong, only a few more days to go!!! Keep your guard up, the addiction will come raging, as if it knows you're getting rid of it, and it doesn't want to go. Keep strong bro!!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 01, 2020, 01:02:30 PM
Bunny - 3 weeks! Good job on the self-care you've been doing, enjoying time in nature away from the distractions of modern life. Keep it up!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on November 04, 2020, 08:22:12 AM
Was going so great until a old friend send a video on facebook. Was of none dressed adults doing their thing.

could not shake that image it burned in my head. Out of nowhere i got an urge i could not kill aaaaand

Day 0...

Fml...
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Leonidas on November 04, 2020, 10:05:52 AM
Was going so great until a old friend send a video on facebook. Was of none dressed adults doing their thing.
Some friend.  :P
If you feel the need to reassess boundaries, maybe let him know in a friendly-kinda-way that it would be best if he not send that sort of material in the future.

Try not to interpret your slip as a fatal mistake.  Recovery is a process, you learn as you go.  Mistakes are part of that process (and believe me, I've made plenty!)  New day, new challenges.  There is only one way; and that is forwards!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on November 13, 2020, 01:06:36 AM
here goes again.

Day 5.

Spiraled down thru bad habits and dumb choices again. Did some thinking and deleted. blocked and what ever way possible to remove myself from the massive stream of pictures and such elements.

Know its not the end and in any attempts there are fails. Did not give up on this and waited a few days before getting back here.

found a pr0n blocker im using now. Removed myself from every facebook group that have some kinda trigger. Searched the drives for any left over thing and purged everything. In any case i need to get my shit together and i found doing this helps in some way.

Gotta fall some times to learn i guess :) and i did this time.

Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: jixu on November 19, 2020, 10:46:18 AM
Sometimes it takes awhile to get going-hope you are staying engaged and committed to the battle.  Like you said, the key is not giving up.  Glad you did the social media purge-take care!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 19, 2020, 12:36:33 PM
Quote
found a pr0n blocker im using now. Removed myself from every facebook group that have some kinda trigger. Searched the drives for any left over thing and purged everything. In any case i need to get my shit together and i found doing this helps in some way.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things to get you back on track, Bunny. Keep going!
Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: Bunny on February 06, 2021, 06:50:43 AM
Been awhile since i've been here. Had a bad relapse again. Funny how it follows. When im off the pr0n i find it easier to stay away from alcohol and drugs. When i relapse it stacks up fast and i find myself fucked from morning to evening on the daily again.

had to pick myself up. So i have quit beer now, nearly quit the drugs.  Jumped on clean food and meditation. Nearly a month sober and healthy living. The drugs are harder to quit but slowly getting off.

I feel so empty everytime i end up there.  Just sitting in a messy home with all responsibilities pushed past tomorrow. Donno why i want to live like that. Just fucked up and numb awaiting the next sip,hit or fap

Anyways. Im back on track and slowly working my way out of the hole.

Hope you doing good on your own journey :).

Peace.

Title: Re: Bunnys ascend to madness Journal
Post by: jixu on February 09, 2021, 08:39:10 AM
Bunny, nice to see you have returned-good decision!   Hope you can stay on track and stay in touch here.  I noticed before that you were benefiting from some outdoor walks-hope you can keep something like that going.  I can relate to what you said about pushing responsibilities off until tomorrow.  I think the stuff (substance abuse, porn, procrastination, etc) is all interconnected.  Take care!