Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: harpoon on June 07, 2020, 02:54:17 PM

Title: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on June 07, 2020, 02:54:17 PM
Hi All.

I've been here before, I thought I had this beat and WHAM.

Anyway today is rock bottom. I feel like a fraud, I am a fraud. I don't know who I am anymore.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: UKGuy on June 08, 2020, 05:00:23 AM
Hi Harpoon - nice to meet you, and I hope you're feeling a bit better than when you wrote that last post. I can see you've been around here for quite a while and have read some of your journals. You seem to have had some really successful periods - well done on those. Rather than us all picking though your past posts and journals and trying to build up a picture of you, it would be great to hear a summary about where you are in your journey right now. What's worked well for you in the past, where do you come unstuck, what are your emotional triggers etc? I understand the forum is a little quiet at the moment from guys that have been around longer than me (maybe a covid thing?) but there will still be plenty here that want to try and help, plus I'm sure that you've got some experiences to share with us that will be helpful. Cheers.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: Rookie on June 08, 2020, 11:45:23 AM
I'm not on here as much as I would like, mainly to support the brothers struggling. However, that being said, as UK mentioned, there are quite a few people here ready to support you. Keep posting, daily in the beginning of your venture...I'm closing in on day 90, and I only post weekly (mostly cause my days are so freaking busy, I don't have time).

There can be a victory, you just have to want it bad enough. And trust me, it's worth it.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on June 09, 2020, 03:08:14 PM
Thank you for the response Ukguy and Rookie ;)

   I'm 41 now, but at the age of 36 I googled depression, mood swings, insomnia and porn. That google search landed me here at rebootnation. I never thought I had an addiction, but I knew there had to be side effects which was my main concern.

So I quit porn for 2 months, relapsed, quit hardmode two months, felt awesome to be fair, then I gradually stubbled over the mess I was making in my life as in hindsight I should have took the time to reboot rather than try to just get laid.

Eventually porn was numero uno once again.

   The worse thing I find about this addiction is that you become lost within yourself. The last couple of weeks I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I am and what us the point of life.

I guess this is a step forward.







Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on June 25, 2020, 05:05:28 PM
So today I made two-days!

I was driving in my car the other day, having desperate thoughts, I won't bore you with the details, but I said to myself out loud "what the f**k do you have to lose" "fn nothing."

Just even to gain some energy back, I just needed a break, I'm not worried about anything else atm. So for two days I had no energy and basically no personality, I felt indifferent about life.

But today, after a shit day at work, I made myself go for a run....well holy shit, I ran the furthest I have ran in about 3months and I gave it socks, it felt great and very different. My energy was came back, I felt strong and I couldn't get enough of the hill reps. Lifeforce. I felt great for the rest of the night.

I forgot how good it feels to have that energy.




Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: jixu on June 26, 2020, 05:50:19 AM
Maybe you gained new insights and motivation-sometimes a perspective shift is useful.  I can relate to work having good and bad days!  Keep going and keep running!  Being clean provides its own energy.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on July 30, 2020, 02:58:13 PM
I guess the addiction has pretty much taken over, but sometimes I can manage a thought or two and today I realised how addicted I have become. It's like a secret life that comes to life at night or when I find myself on my own.

During the day I work hard, try to train hard but tbh I am exhausted and am on the edge.

I kinda play a character to get through life. I'm known for always being in a good mood and being positive. Behind it all I have struggled to make it through the day.

  My porn addiction.... I can edge to porn for 2 - 3 hours per night, 7 nights per week. Easy. I have all my favourites,  I can hop from one seen to the next until I find the "perfect" scene.

Anyway it's all old news. Novelty is king.

But I guess there is always a choice and I can always walk away.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on July 30, 2020, 03:09:13 PM
One night is all I want...
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: mr.slurps on July 30, 2020, 06:35:46 PM
Hi Harp,  I was one of the regular posters here until I hit the skids for most of July. What a lousy month it was for me. Because of the great guys on this forum I've been able to avoid complete despair. (It has gotten close.)
Some of these guys are real "pros" and have long streaks and wisdom to show for it. 
I'm the other end of the spectrum. I have big relapses and short streaks.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on July 31, 2020, 08:37:56 AM
Oh man Harpoon, the "playing a character" thing hits so close to home. Then there's the resentment when you just don't feel like dancing for them, like you're letting them down. You need to give yourself permission to be upset. You have permission to not put on a fake smile and when someone asks what's wrong you don't have to say anything, or you can say "I'm struggling right now". People struggle, they fall down, they make mistakes. My whole life I've felt the same way, that I'm a big phoney that puts on an act. The problem with the act is it allows you to not ever deal with anything because it's not really you, you know?

This forum is great, but porn is a symptom to a larger problem sometimes and to me it sounds like you're using it as a way to escape, and if that's the case, I would suggest you seek out therapy, in whatever form you can. You talk about training the body hard, it's time to give the same effort in your head, because it is hard work and it is exhausting, but you're important. You're not alone, in the struggles with porn or anything else. We're here for you!
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: Rex on July 31, 2020, 08:57:52 AM
I guess the addiction has pretty much taken over, but sometimes I can manage a thought or two and today I realised how addicted I have become. It's like a secret life that comes to life at night or when I find myself on my own.

During the day I work hard, try to train hard but tbh I am exhausted and am on the edge.

I kinda play a character to get through life. I'm known for always being in a good mood and being positive. Behind it all I have struggled to make it through the day.

  My porn addiction.... I can edge to porn for 2 - 3 hours per night, 7 nights per week. Easy. I have all my favourites,  I can hop from one seen to the next until I find the "perfect" scene.

Anyway it's all old news. Novelty is king.

But I guess there is always a choice and I can always walk away.

Harpoon,

We have all been there. Heck I can't tell you how many nights I spent over the years where I fell to PMO in the early evening and continued all night long until the early hours of the morning. Then without sleep took a shower and got ready for work, commuted to work and then worked a whole day. That's how bad it had a hold of me.  Then my health failed me and Lyme disease and other co-infections wasted away my body.  And the PMO addiction made it worse and I still couldn't stop. There was nothing that could stop me, 3 decades of addiction and it was getting worse. In late 2016 I began to pray the Rosary every day and soon thereafter I went 28 days free from PMO the longest I have ever been free. I then stopped and soon fell to PMO again and then went on a PMO marathon for a year and half. Then I started in late Summer 2018, praying the daily Rosary again and starting in September 25, 2018, I began my journey free from PMO.  Now 1 year and 10 months later I am still free from PMO. It hasn't been easy but I couldn't have done it without God and praying the daily Rosary which has been my main weapon in this fight. The days when I stopped praying the Rosary I could feel I was weakening against the temptations, then started praying again and could feel the temptations melt away again.  The reason why I couldn't beat this addiction though I tried for the last 20 years, was it was just too powerful for me.  I needed God and the Rosary to beat it.  Try saying the Rosary every day, it only takes 15 minutes. I will promise you if you do say it every day, gradually you will begin to see changes and you will suddenly have power over your PMO addiction that you never thought possible.  I thought I was going to die a PMO addict.  I tried everything, but turning the battle over to God and praying the daily Rosary have released me. I still suffer from Lyme disease but my life is a million times better than when I was young and healthy because now I am free from PMO which wasn't the case when I was young and healthy.  Keep fighting and never give up you can do it!   
Title: Re:
Post by: harpoon on August 07, 2020, 01:47:56 PM
"Tread softly because you tread on my  dreams." This line entered my mind earlier today. I'm not into poetry but I've always remembered this.

I'm tired of the dance.

Is it alright to take time out to get my shit together? Can I get my shit together? I can't do this anymore. (These are just thoughts I have.)

Porn....afternoon delight. It's endless.

I guess the most important lesson that I have learnt over the past 5 years on here, is that you cannot lie to yourself.

"Do or do not, there is no try."



Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on August 07, 2020, 08:19:45 PM
A few guys have posted something similar to this sentiment, more eloquently than me, but the gist of it is this: You're either working on getting better or you're not. The trying is the doing. If you go one day without PMO and fall back down, nobody can take that day from you. Build on each success and don't beat yourself up when you fall down. Be honest and accountable, but focus on the fact you're working on getting better. It's the clear mind and guilt free life that we're working for!
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 08, 2020, 07:14:38 AM
Thanks TheNorman ;)

Yes trying is the work. Ever effort counts. I have found that the first few days and the chaser affect are the worst, after that it becomes a sort of marathon where you settle in and van go for long streaks.

It's like a horse trying to jump it's first hurdle.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 08, 2020, 01:35:36 PM
I was driving in my car earlier and I wondered why I felt like goddamn shit, and I just said aloud "what the fuck do you expect? You are a massive porn addict!" And this is true.

Maybe it's just me or is it the last thing that you want to give up is usually the first that should of went? You can get active, eat well, cut back on alcohol, reduce sugar, but c'mon if you edge to porn every night for two-hours and then collapse in self pity what do you expect.

I guess porn doesnt want you to think badly of her. It couldn't be porn that makes you feel bad, that makes you feel good duh. Just getting rid of a load. A load of your life force.

I was an addict before porn. Once porn came along I wandered down pornville with a smile on my face from cheek to cheek. Follow me. Anything you want! It's on me.
Sunshine lollipops...

It helps to write here right now. Just to stop for a moment and decide what way to go.

What I've learned today is this ~ happiness and porn use (for me at least) cannot exist together.




Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: ZiggyBoo on August 10, 2020, 04:53:56 PM

Hey Harpoon,

As TheNorman says above, you’re here trying and that’s a positive step in the right direction even if you’re feeling shitty right now. I’ve been where you are many times over the years.. self loathing plays into the cycle of shame and is only destructive. Try to give yourself some grace and keep focusing on progressing forward
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 11, 2020, 07:52:54 PM
The last few days, and even returning here just to post my thoughts, well I knew it was time to start reboot again....obviously I dragged my feet, but i am, at least, trying.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on August 11, 2020, 08:06:58 PM
I tried to quit watching porn a few times in the past. I didn't read about it, I didn't change any of my behaviours or habits, I didn't talk to anyone about it: I just thought I would stop like I had stopped other destructive things and that would be that. Then, because it's more than just a bad habit, you relapse, you feel like a failure and you take that pain and disappointment and use it as an excuse to keep going back. Then, because you're back and you feel like shit it's just that cycle over again, like the first try didn't even happen.

That's not where you are Harpoon. You're not some random guy, just hoping you'll get this thing solved by a wing and a prayer. You're here. You're reading about it. You're seeing ways to change your habits and behaviours to help you avoid those triggers, and you're talking to us; a bunch of guys who are or were exactly where you are now. Every time you fall down look at what you were thinking or doing that helped you fall down and avoid those things. You can fall down as many times as you need if every time you do, you see what tripped you up and learn to avoid that, because eventually you'll avoid so many of them that you'll be running towards freedom.

Welcome back. We'll say that every time you are back, because we're just happy to see you trying. You be happy too, because you're worth trying for.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 13, 2020, 03:21:43 PM
Thanks TheNorman i appreciate those words of encouragement.

So I had two days clean. The second night I drank myself to sleep, and even the next morning with a hangover I felt better than if I had pmo. Porn is a major contribution to anxiety and depression me thinks.

After my hangover had subsided I went for a 2hour cycle, i had tons of energy. It's amazing had porn drains your energy.

Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 14, 2020, 05:41:53 AM
So I guess I'm on "day 2."

Here's how I feel....so across my chest I feel pressure, I'm stressed and anxious, and on edge. Rather than go straight out the door and go for a run, I lie on my bed, phone in hand, writing this but maybe it's just knowing that porn is just a click away brings some sort of relief.

I'm bored, I'm horny, and feel like shit...three great reasons to pmo, but I must try today.

"No, nay, never no more" The Wild River, The Dubliners

Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on August 14, 2020, 08:19:51 PM
Bored, horny and feel like shit are all pretty big triggers. Don't put yourself in positions to make it any harder than it needs to be! If you can get away from being online you have already taken a lot of PMO's power away. Use the energy and headspace taken up by porn and find something that you can pour it into. It will serve a duel purpose of keeping you occupied but also fulfilled.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 30, 2020, 02:29:23 PM
So I hit rock bottom today. I feel like it's over. I can't fight forever.

Honestly until I found reboot nation I never put it all together, I just thought I had a high sex drive, but I am a porn addict.  When you take the porn addict away, I'm actually a nice guy, but porn has basically destroyed my life.

Let's be honest about it. Porn doesn't just hold you back, it destroys lives. I find it hard to smile even, I wonder what have I been doing for the past 25-years.

As I write this I have youtube on in the background playing and a video of a home booty workout, my double life. I won't watch porn, I'll watch booty workouts.

Porn is all lies. There is all this focus on ED, but it causes so much more than that. If you're an addict today, you won't be the same addict in 5-years time. The goalposts move ever so slowly.



Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on August 30, 2020, 07:32:58 PM
Hey Harpoon I hear you man. Porn has caused so much damage to my relationships with myself and others. Booty workouts would be a no-go for me but if you watch nothing but booty videos and don't go back to porn then that's something right? I think you have to do whatever you can to know that you're doing SOMETHING. Don't give up, just know we're here for you. Only place to go from the bottom is up.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on August 31, 2020, 03:38:26 PM
Thanks The Norman;)

Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on September 12, 2020, 01:18:44 PM
I have to give this one more real go.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: Artemus on September 12, 2020, 03:57:46 PM
I have to give this one more real go.
I'm in the same boat, but we soldier on.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: TheNorman on September 12, 2020, 08:31:40 PM
There is no "real go". You're either working or you're not. The fact that you're here means you're thinking about improving your life by rebooting and that means you're working. Don't let your lapses define you or your work. Take each one of them as a sign that there is something else to refine on your path and keep working armed with that new adjustment. Eventually you will start taking bigger steps. You can do this!
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on September 13, 2020, 03:31:01 PM
I remember when I rebooted for about 4-months (with one weeks relapse about two-months in.) I felt great. I was fit. I was fearless. I had an aura. Women were interested 100%, I had more luck, it was fun, morning wood and live was good.  I was unstoppable..well then what the fuck am I doing here again?!

Once I relapsed it was like meh that was ok, I can pick this up again. Next night hmmm that was good, next night, maybe a two-hour edge sesh will suffice.

Its a slow process but I know the body and mind heals.


Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on September 14, 2020, 03:03:57 AM
Tbh  I feel like shit......but I can say that I am 1-day porn free :)
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: UKGuy on September 14, 2020, 04:54:16 AM
Keep positive Harpoon and putting one foot in front of the other.
What are your learnings from the last slip? What does your plan look like? Is there anything you can do to strengthen it? Just the process of identifying these areas to focus on will make you feel better. Then following them in your day to day life will help move you away from the clutches of PMO.
Stay strong my friend.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on September 14, 2020, 02:10:00 PM
Thanks UKGuy ;) my current plan is to give my body a break. I had plenty of energy today. I ran a 5k on the beach and went swimming! I felt great tbh.

There is a longing for porn. A donkey and a carrot springs to mind.

Porn always seems like a great idea until it's not.

Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on September 28, 2020, 02:20:17 PM
Let's be honest (a new concept for me at this point.) I'm struggling and just trying to hold on. I'm a fraud. I'd sooner destroy my life than give up porn, always looking for the work around, a way to keep porn but have normality in life. It can't be done. I don't even know what I'm looking for with this anymore.

At this point I think I just watch porn to feel normal for awhile. Is jacking off to porn really worth all this pain? No.

I ran 18miles yesterday. I normally do 3miles but my brother was running an ironman and o joined in for the marathon. Anyway 18miles, I felt epic, I felt part of something, I paced my brother and tried to motivate him, delighted with myself. Once the dust had settled and when I returned home, PORN, the emptiness returned.

My problem giving up porn is that within a few days I feel great and porn seems like a great idea. I used to drink myself in oblivion but when porn took hold, I would much prefer porn and would stop drinking early in a night so I could get my buzz from porn.

This post doesn't really have a point, it's just venting, it helps me live as me for a brief moment.







Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: 3rdprecept on September 28, 2020, 03:03:34 PM
You're not a fraud or a failure---you are an addict like the rest of us here.  I once heard a saying that has stuck with me for years.  "No one knows loneliness like and addict in the grip of despair." 

The fact is there is power in surrender and accepting the truth and sharing that truth with others who understand.

We understand you. Stick with this to give your mind time to heal.
Title: Re: Struggling
Post by: harpoon on October 10, 2020, 11:31:36 AM
So last night I didn't pmo and I slept ok. I had a healthy breakfast and was lifting weights by 10am. Wtf!

I did watch a couple of youtube videos about fapping and testosterone, which led on to videos about androgen receptors. It interesting stuff.

I have always noticed that I bulk up and become leaner on nofap. Anyway look it up, apparently all this overstimulation will deplete androgen receptors. There is far more going on than just high/low testosterone levels.

But anyway, this isn't a science lesson. I didn't fap to porn last night, and that is pretty fn epic, and for a bonus point, I had the place to myself yesterday and chose not to look at porn.





Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on October 13, 2020, 02:04:34 PM
A couple of months ago I finished up at work. I was offered a position further across the country but I declined as I thought that I needed some time to get my head together, which I did. However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

I've really ran myself into the ground. I do enjoy exercise, and I run maybe 30-40km per week, cycle 50km per week and lift some weights too but it seems it's all getting too much.

I guess I thought it was a "cheat," perhaps a way to keep porn in my life.... I'll just train a lot, I mean if I look good, maybe I can have it all. Not so.

There is no substitute for one-day clean. "Nothing compares to you." One-day, in that day, in that moment there is only one-day. You can rack up as many days as you want but it's all about today and what you do. (Just a little note to myself.)

If your here, I guess your an addict like me. I was going to write about my porn consumption but this isn't a competition. It doesn't matter how much porn we watch or how long our porn binges are, we need to give it ALL up.

Last week I went two-days with no porn...but once i tripped my brain made up for those two lost days, I now feel nothing. I know this passes.

The remorse of a porn junkie.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: LetItGoAlready on October 13, 2020, 07:42:19 PM
Quote
However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

Harpoon-Yes, through the power of rationalization, we can convince ourselves of just about anything to keep P in our lives. Whether or not that was actually your intention when you passed on the job, it's clear that having more alone time is not doing you any favors. Or wearing yourself out with exercise.  Lean in to those thoughts and ask yourself if there's something you can do differently that will yield better results.

Recovery is all about experimentation. It's about trying new things until you find the formula that works best for you. So, now that you know these things aren't working for you, try something different. Something that gets you out of your routine and closes those "back doors" you've kept open in your mind.

No need for remorse -  or name calling, my junkie friend. Just keep trying and don't give up, no matter what happens.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: workinprogressUK on October 14, 2020, 09:16:36 AM
The remorse of a porn junkie.

I've fallen over enough times not to get on a soap box and we all know it's difficult to stay clean. But attaching so many negative words, like "junkie" to yourself will only perpetuate a negative mindset and self-image, and the outcome will most likely be negative. You have the power to choose. We all have that power. Because of the ways we've focused our brains in the past, guys like you and me have a bit less power and we find it more difficult to make the healthy choice, and our brain layout and chemistry now pushes us to take unhealthy actions, and kid ourselves that we're doing the right thing. But please try to look for the positives in the world and most importantly in yourself. Focus on those. It's taken mental and moral strength to come here and try to divert yourself from harmful behaviour and every time you do that instead of choosing P, you heal yourself a little more. You're trying to take the right course and the right decisions. Like you say - it's all about the decisions you take today. I really hope you can see the positivity and courage in yourself and make today's decisions healthy ones. Wishing you strength!
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on October 30, 2020, 03:31:23 PM
I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.



Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: LetItGoAlready on October 31, 2020, 05:54:02 PM
Quote
I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I'm sorry to hear that, Harpoon. I know that feeling of being disconnected and out of control. It's not a good feeling.

I heard the Dobber (of Porn-Free Radio) say something this morning that really struck a chord with me; maybe it will with you, too. He said - and I'm paraphrasing big time here - that the emotional pain that most PAs struggle with can't be resolved only with exercise and the stuff we do on our own to make ourselves feel better. It's relational pain that comes from a lack of connection and not getting our needs met in a healthy way. When we don't have that connection and aren't getting our needs met, that's when we get ourselves into trouble and act out with P.

So, it sounds like you've got the exercise part down, and it's helping you to feel good about yourself. Great! What are you doing for the part of you that feels "disconnected"? I know this all sounds like a lot of new agey BS, but if you're falling into the same trap every night and plunging towards bottom, there's definitely a part of you that isn't getting what it needs from your daily self-care routine of coffee, exercise, and whatever else.

Quote
I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.

The fact that you're there but also here on this forum... I believe that speaks to who you really are. It's clearly not okay with you that you're fapping every night, or otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to figure your way out of this situation. Maybe the way forward is to come here more. Instead of feeling disconnected and fapping the night away, consider coming here to connect with other people who are dealing with the same kind of issues. People who can help you work through this, who you can be accountable to, and who can probably use your help just as much as you can use theirs.

I hope things start to get better for you. I really do. Take care, friend.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 02, 2020, 12:39:13 PM
Thank you so much for your reply ;)

It's true about the exercise though, i run and it makes me feel great but it has never replaced porn...that is something else.

But y'know it all starts with a decision to try. Let's give today a go.



Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 03, 2020, 06:02:23 AM
Well I completed one day. That was one of  the longest nights of my life, I think I finally got to sleep around 4am but still as crap as I feel, it was worth it.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 03, 2020, 05:21:29 PM
So this morning I went for a cycle, nothing unusual as every second day or so I will generally cycle, but here's the thing, I had way more ENERGY, my heart rate was lower than usual and I could breathe with ease. Normally the hills require more effort but it was so easy today.

In the afternoon I did a few hours work and then decided to go for a run to ke rep myself busy. Halfway around my normal 5km route there is a pretty steep incline, I normally run the top half of the hill but I ran to the bottom of the hill tonight to turn around and run the full length of the hill! 

I guess my body is so ran down from porn even a brief respise from pmo has done my body some good.

It was good to feel great for awhile, it reminded me of how it can and should feel to  be alive ;)



 
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 04, 2020, 02:56:11 PM
"I want it all, and I want it now." This is true. I have urges right now. Manageable? But rather than sit here and wonder if I can not watch porn, I know I can go for a walk. Simple.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 04, 2020, 08:48:03 PM
Hi Harp - I wanted to give you props for coming here 4x in the past couple of days. Good job! Sounds like you're doing all the right things to stay on top of your urges. Have you given any more thought to the "connection" issue from your post a few days ago? Have you ever seen this TED Talk? https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong (https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong). Highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it already. Take care.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 13, 2020, 06:55:30 AM
 Thank you, I will have  a look at this today ;)
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 13, 2020, 07:25:45 AM
So I went back to porn. I won't call it a relapse 2/3 days porno free is just a little break in my eyes.

Anyway I want to get some things off my chest...

I can't sugar coat this...suicide has entered my mind the last week. I have been depressed on and off for years now (porno induced I'm sure) but this seems different. The irony is that it seems the only thing that makes it anyway more bearable is porn.

This is hard to say but I remember in my distant past a "priest." This "priest" was later convicted of paedophilia. Anyway I remember an incident where this priest was seeing students for their first holly communion. We (my classmates and i) were all in church with out parents/guardians. One by one in front of everyone in the church the student would go up and sit on the priests knee, y'know big fat priest trying to be like a father Christmas figure, anyway I remember this dude was basically rubbing his penis off of our hips while we each took a turn to sit on his lap.

This guy was notorious in my town but thankfully as he cased my parents house, my mother knew he was "wrong" and wouldn't leave any of us alone with him.

I don't know why I had to say that, I just did.

Anyway that's just something I remember. I never felt abused, I just knew as a child that was wrong.

I'm not making excuses for my porn addiction either,  but I think that maybe I started mo as a way of coping with anxiety.





Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: Gabe Deem on November 13, 2020, 09:31:26 AM
Hey Harpoon,

It is great to get things off your chest. Let it all out. Nobody is perfect and this community knows that just as good as anyone. You're not alone. Many of us here have experienced suicidal ideation, me included.

What if I never decided to make that first YouTube vid, or start this site? What if I never had that first conversation with a buddy opening up about my struggle that changed my life forever?. As long as you have breath in your lungs you have something to give to this world. Even if it is this very post, that caught my attention at a coffee shop because I, too, have been in a very bad place mentally this past month, and made me focused on doing something positive today.

Life is never about where we are, but about where we desire to be and where we're heading. Trajectory. You're learning, journaling, trying to reach a goal... you're already successful. You've gained insight, wisdom, life experience that can benefit others with each and every journal post or conversation you have in real life. Life is messy, but there is beauty in the mess.

Know that I'm rooting for you today my man. I believe in you. And I know it sucks, and feels impossible at times. But, there is always hope. Just take it one small thing at a time. One day at a time.

You got this. Hope the best for you today. Much love.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: Joel on November 13, 2020, 12:15:47 PM
I've felt that low too, Harpoon. For me, porn took away my ability to feel joy for anything (else). I could feel the joy receptors in my brain just fizzled out. And after too much porn, even that didn't work anymore. Abstaining from porn wasn't the total answer - I had to start replacing that old 'friend' will something good. I feel I have, but still struggle.

They say the opposite to addiction is connection - is there anyone you can connect to and talk to? Paid listeners included - it's a process that can really help.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 13, 2020, 05:13:48 PM
Thank you Gabe and thank you Joel ;) your words of encouragement will help me through today.

  Just a quick note -  last night I watched a movie. Now I've watched 1000s of movies but last night I put my phone down and I immersed myself in this movie (rather than viewing Facebook photos pretending I'm watching y'know) but anyhow, it was the original BLADERUNNER which I've "watched" before but didnt understand but now after paying attention i can confirm Deckard is a replicant :D

But all messing aside, you're not really here if you are somewhere else. I'm going to put my phone down more often and be in the present.

Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: jixu on November 19, 2020, 10:52:26 AM
Glad you enjoyed the movie-I still haven't seen that one yet!  I know what you mean about being in the present-that is hard for me sometimes as I tend to create future scenarios in my mind that never even happen, and thus miss out on what I could have enjoyed at the time.  Stay in touch and keep at it-take care! 
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 19, 2020, 12:33:13 PM
Harp - Putting down the phone and being more present sounds like solid plan to me. We're so used to distracting ourselves and not being in the moment. It can be very telling when we allow ourselves to be fully absorbed in something and realize how much joy we're getting from it.  I'm glad you were able to be in the moment with this movie. Wishing you many more such moments in the future.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on November 20, 2020, 03:27:57 PM
Thank you guys ;)

I read posts on here and really get an outside perspective of my own situation. I've wrote the - why do  I feel like shit post, the why do I have no energy post, the I can't get an erection with my girlfriend post. I get it, I've tried everything to keep porn in my life, much improved diet and plenty of exercise but I think that if I just gave up porn it would probably be more beneficial.

So why do I watch porn?.. hmmm at the beginning I was just a horny teenager, then I guess it just took over, it felt good. I've learned to use porn to regulate my mood. Hungover - watch porn. Can't sleep - watch porn. Lonely - watch porn. Feel good - watch porn. Bored - watch porn. But at a certain point in time I didn't want to pmo I just couldn't stop.  I feel like shit after pmo and say to myself never again, never again.

With lockdown things changed. I walked away from work, I knew I was fucked, I was exhausted from porn and I needed to regroup, but in this instance regrouping meant something  different. Instead of one pmo every night, I upped the ante and could fap to porno three times a day, maybe fifteen gaps per week (why am I exhausted eh?)

For me at least, fapping to porn like this has detrimental affects on my mental health, my mood plummets and I fold like origami. I tell myself that I'll go back to one per day but c'mon two days later and I'm back to my old tricks.

What if I just gave up? What would I be missing? The daily dose of this is great but it's actually just a shit lie.

Anyway these are just my thoughts tonight ;)





 

Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on December 14, 2020, 11:30:23 AM
By the time I realized porn was causing issues in my life, I  realize now I was way past being hooked on it. It took a long time to admit the addiction, still sometimes I pretend I can have a little bit, but I can't.

I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

I feel broken, I feel like shit, and it's from porn.

The joy is gone, the laughter is gone, being real is gone, being me is gone. Plugging along trying to survive is getting more difficult. It seems easy to turn to porn for some relief.

   I remember being referred to a psychologist when I was around 20 years old. I was depressed. I was basically drinking and smoking to much but porn had also started to take hold. I was asked all this questions but I do remember mentioning that I thought I had a bad porn habit. I remember the psychologist totally brushing this comment aside, like I had just told a joke and after that I didn't give it much either.

My point... I guess deep down I did know, but Gollum, my precious and all that, 22 years later still feel like shit.

   I'm trying to get back to work asap. There's just too much time and temptation for me at the moment, I need some structure to my life.

  Anyway just some thoughts for the day. Peace.

Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: LetItGoAlready on December 15, 2020, 11:14:11 AM
Quote
I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

Harp - Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are uniquely defective, untreatable, destined for failure in overcoming this habit.... I get it. I've been there myself. We start to identify with this part of ourselves that remains stuck, and we call ourselves names. What we end up doing, though, is convincing ourselves that we are alone in this, which is simply not true. There are a 1,000 Mr. Binges in this community! You are not alone in that regard.  And out there in the great big world beyond this community there are tens of thousands more. Sadly, some of those people are resigned to being a Mr. Binge forever and will never do anything about it. But that's not you, is it? You're here reaching out for help and understanding, which you're getting from other Mr. Binges who are stuck and trying to move forward just like you are.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to cut yourself some slack and untether your identify from this habit you are neither alone in fighting nor cursed to live with forever. Many people here started as Mr. Binge but have made significant progress in their recoveries. Take heart in that, and believe that could be your future, too.

Wishing you well, friend.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on December 17, 2020, 03:13:53 PM
Thank you LetitGoAlready;)

I actually went 1-day without porn. I felt great tbh full of energy. I did my Christmas shopping, went for a coffee, and did a few roof repairs in the lashing rain (i actually like the rain lol) then I lifted weights and ordered a take-away.

Today was good.

Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on December 19, 2020, 02:20:08 PM
So there has to be a reason to quit porn. What are mine? Is it vanity? I have a swollen stomach and I'm convinced it's from pmo. Hormonal I guess. But that's not enough of a reason. What about missing out on life, not bring present and not bring the best version of myself that I can be hmmm that'll do it.

I did pmo yesterday. After two days of no porn, I pmo. At least I gave my body a brief rest. That's a positive.

I made the mistake of drinking a lot of alcohol the second night and the next day with a hangover I seemed very compulsive and tbh I didn't give a sh*t.

So I'll go again, but this time no alcohol.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 19, 2021, 02:38:49 PM
I'm gonna make this quick as I want to lift some weights.

Now, as there is no doubt I'm a porn addict, I don't need to cover 'my hopeless devotion' to do it.

I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever

They are the top 5 (sounds great , counting down the top 5.) The reason I know that they are my side effects is that when I quit pmo they all but went away, although the insomnia wasn't as bad it was still present.

I gained muscle easily and lost fat as less stress, more testosterone.

And it all makes sense to me.

But I just wanted to post and to try and get back on the right path. It's tough to get those first few days on the board but I want to get back up.






Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: workinprogressUK on January 20, 2021, 10:25:19 AM

I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever


I'm ticking a lot of boxes when I read those, Harpoon. Most of them resonate. I lost muscle but also lost a lot of bodyfat when in PMO mode. Describing the reasons behind that might be a bit "triggery" for some guys, so I won't share. Insomnia - because my head was stewing with "brain porn" and unable to settle. Anxiety because I felt guilty and I lived in constant fear of being caught-out. OCD thoughts because I had a one-track mind on P. Lots of reasons in that list not to go back out there, right? Life is so much more productive for me when I'm off P. Hope it stays that way for you, and you see gainz in every facet of your non-P life.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 20, 2021, 12:18:46 PM
Thanks for reply WIPUK ;) I knew these side effects were from porn but having some1 else identify with them makes it seem a stronger connection.

  Well I went a night without pmo. It was ok, I did at times wonder why I wasn't fapping at watching porn but I held tough and did not give in.

Today tbh I have strong urges and I feel in a kind of a haze.

In my mind I was going to wake up from a great nights sleep , feel awesome and go somewhere and be great :)' alas I can't say I feel like shit, but I can't say I feel like a god, it's a kind of meh feeling, which is ok.

I realize tonight will be tough. I can feel the chaser feeling, an urge,  a tempting draw to return but that horrible downer feeling once pmo is complete and a distended stomach isn't where I want to be anymore.

I never put pressure on myself to rack up days porn free, I just try to give it a go and won't be too hard on myself if I fail.

Anyway time for a run ;)
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 21, 2021, 04:57:33 PM
So last night I went for a run. After two-nights without porn I could finally breathe. My hometown  is basically on a hill so halfway thru my run I ran downhill  to the lowest point in town, turned around and ran uphill to the highest point I could find, which was 1,3km uphill. I had so much energy, it felt great tbh.
 After my shower, i washed my face and as i looked in the mirror i saw a brief twinkle come from my eye. For awhile after my run I felt completely content within myself. Eventually urges returned and I spent the night tossing and turning and felt like crap in the morning.

   In the back of my mind I thought I could offset the side effects of my porn addiction with a healthy diet and an active lifestyle but I was fooling myself trying everything I could to keep porn in my life.

 I have been exhausted after edging for 3hours but I could always still muster the energy for the third pmo of the night. The next day I would have avocado toast and a poached egg thinking I had beat the system. Aren't I great.

3hrs edging, seven days per week, why am I tired? Why can't I sleep? Why? Why? Why?

But I am three days clean and if nothing else it is a rest for my body and mind, so I will take the little positives rather than look at the larger picture right now.


Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 22, 2021, 08:42:38 AM
I'm 4 days porn free, and as Llyod Christmas would say "suck me sideways" :) (I'm Irish, we make light of everything ;)
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 22, 2021, 08:49:22 AM
...but all joking aside, I do feel like I'm holding on to the side of a cliff my my fingertips and I feel very vulnerable to saying "fuck it," that's bring 100% honest.

My body feels like it's in a high stress mode, but I'm not going to dwell on it, if I can make a week it will be a small victory in my eyes.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: SerenityWisdomCourage on January 22, 2021, 02:36:28 PM
Hi Harpoon, 
You can do this... We can do this... for one hour, or just for today.

Know this; You are not alone and this community cares about you and wants to see you succeed.
Your struggle is my struggle too...

All the best
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 22, 2021, 04:18:20 PM
   Thanks for the kind words of encouragement SerenityWisdomCourage ;)

   Tonight I put on my running gear and went outside to run my 5km route. I felt tired, or to be brutally honest fn exhausted from the last 4-days of basically no sleep. As much as I love the buzz from running I decided that I was just too tired and maybe it would be more beneficial just to walk the 5km. When I returned home I made something to eat and now I have to say I feel very relaxed. This may be a strategy going forward, evening was rather than evening runs.

   Anyway I'm still on course for a week and will try keep myself busy over the next few days.
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on January 23, 2021, 12:02:39 PM
I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.
 
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: workinprogressUK on January 23, 2021, 01:33:38 PM
I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.

You've been through this before, Harpoon, haven't you? We both know the shape of the early days in recovery, when the drug we've been hosing our brains with has its tap rudely and abruptly turned off. You'll feel flat as that pancake for a while. We always do. Hopefully recovery will matter to you more than getting a fix, because you will start to feel better soon if you can hold on, mate. Hoping you can make it stick!
Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on February 24, 2021, 02:54:02 PM
Than you for the words of encouragement workinprogressuk ;)

I need a bit vent today, so read of you want but it's not good.

So as I sat at my desk, uploading songs to itunes I had a thought - "I finally know why ppl blow their fn heads off." Its not the first time i've haf this thought. Lately my thoughts have become very irradict. My mood alternates between extreme highs and extreme lows, and to be completely fn honest I feel like I'm a bystander in my own life, watching it go down the fn drain.

I don't really want to cover old ground, but I didn't realise that the high from viewing porn was an addiction until I found this website and realised then what I was actually doing and it all made sense, unfortunately I was hooked.

I know the path forward is to walk away...I know the rewards are awesome...l know I will have a better life...I know all this.

There will always be an end, may be not even your choice but I've done enough damage and I do want yo heal. I can't commit to 90-days, 7-days or whatever, I can only do one day at a time.

I can only try, even if it's just for today, that would be something.

I'm paraphrasing here, but I remember a scene from Alien 3 "how do you want it? Standing tall, or on you fn knees begging for mercy?!"

Harpoon



Title: Re: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Post by: harpoon on February 25, 2021, 12:23:15 PM
So I completed one day. Hand on my heart I didn't view anything sexual stimulating. Sleep was terrible but I did manage a few hours and I have to say for whatever reason I felt more content and at ease with myself than I have felt in awhile. I felt more manly. More alive. More energetic. I will go for a run s shortly just to try and tire myself out.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that i actually feel better, I mean if anything with that kind of fapping routine you would be exhausted.

Today was good.