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Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: mr.slurps on May 01, 2020, 05:28:32 PM

Title: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 01, 2020, 05:28:32 PM
Hi Guys, I wanted to name this thread "edger" b/c that is what I am right now, literally today.
But w/ my new positive slant on life (thanks UK), I decided to name it "ex-edger" b/c that is what I will be someday.
I feel like a hypocrite right now. I feel like a faker.
Like, who am I to advise or encourage anyone when I can't even advise/encourage myself?
You guys wouldn't believe how out of control I am at times. (maybe some of you can)  I literally edged w/ this screen up staring me in the face across the room on my laptop. I don't know how you can get more hypocritical than that.
You guys are bravely working your asses off and I'm literally across the room edging to porn.
I wish my first post was more positive but if I'm not brutally honest here, where can I be?  And if I'm not honest, I can't be accountable.
Speaking of which, I hope you guys will hold me accountable. I don't want to lie to anyone or myself.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 01, 2020, 06:05:28 PM
Great to read your first post. I will post on here as much as I can...I find it very encouraging when I know someone else reads my stuff, and actually acknowledges it.

First thing is first...DO NOT compare yourself to some guys, 5.5 yrs, others over 120 days, some over 90 days...don't go there. It gives you hope that it's possible, but it will disappoint you if you can't get to a week. It's like getting a running jump to try and clear a mountain, you're going to trip.

If you can't go 1 day without it, try 12 hrs...once that 12 hrs is done, shoot to finish the 24 hrs....if you have never completed 24 hrs straight, that's a huge victory, even if you slip / trip / fall... Then once you know you can do 24, go for 36 hrs...ONLY in small increments like this will you find success.

The other part is, if you want it bad enough, it will happen. Many on this board have wanted to quit bad enough, but they relapsed a few times in the first month, then cleared one month and fall, back on the saddle and carry on.

Many have been clean for years, but the few years before that...huge struggles.

1 hr at a time, then a day at a time...looking forward to reading your next post.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: joepanic on May 01, 2020, 08:10:36 PM
Hey  Mr Slurps

    Ditto what Rookie said  I belive  very steongly in "small victories"  small victories are easy to reach but they are victories none the less  and they are something  to build upon.  I also did some very accentric things.  One was I would drive in my car  with the windows up of course  and I would shout in a very loud voice   "I will not be a porn addict any longer"    "I am stronger than this"  almost like hyping myself up  before a sports match or something    Another benefit of that was I would be out of the house  so porn was not available.  The final benefit was I might have stopped to treat myself  to a bite to eat  or something...  During this time I was able to  think  about the shouting  and rationally think why I wanted to give up porn  re inforce  my reasons for the fight  and gain a bit of strength.  This was only one tactic I would use.  Over time I will try to post more of my ideas on your journal   but they are only usefull if you come here and read and post   often.  I had been an addict for 35 years   and it took me over 2 years of trying  and slipping and relapsing   before finding victory   But victory I have found   and I have never felt better in my whole life

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 02, 2020, 02:33:29 PM
You Guys,    Thanks for the responses.  It means a heck of a lot to me. Joe, the idea of small victories is right on target w/ me. I can set myself up for a whopper of a disappointment and that may set me back longer than need be. I could celebrate milestone.
Also it is dumb to compare myself w/ others. That's another trap I fall into.
Triggers:  Boredom, stress, loneliness (I live alone)
Possible remedies: Meditation, work, chess app.,
Bottom line I need less triggers and better remedies.  (The problem is these triggers come w/ life, at least mine.)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 02, 2020, 06:21:51 PM
Hi Guys,  I'm about into a tail-spin as a guy can go w/ out going into one. Joe I'm taking your advice and posting a lot in the hopes it may help.
That's one of my problems.  In my family real men don't have problems and if they do they don't discuss them.  Nobody would ever ask for help.
That's a rough formula for success where I'm at right now. So this journal is the next best thing.
Now it's time for me to quit acting like a baby (at least for an hour) and put my big boy pants on. I'm just going to get out of the house and go grocery shopping. It will help me get the heck off my cell.
I'm going to continue to fight the good fight because I feel this is an existential war, especially at my age. I really do have to fight like my life depends on it.
Rookie, I'm going to bite off one hour right now b/c that's about all that's left in my tank.
Off to the store...
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: joepanic on May 02, 2020, 06:52:35 PM
Hey Mr Slurps

     Hope  you got through  If your still out and get this  just drive a little longer  listen to some tunes  buy some takeout and enjoy. Perhaps do what I did  drive around with the windows up talking in a really loud voice  "I dont need Porn   I am better than that"  say it a few times  yell it if it helps  I  did that several times   found it somewhat theraputic

    As in not telling anyone  I too kept it a secret and I intend to  keep it that way  My upbringing also entailed a man  solving his own problems.  Thats why this is such a great place to come and talk it out  there is always someone listening   or having a small piece of advice.  Some here will tell you your wrong  and you have to divulge  the info  especially if you have a wife  or girlfriend.  Just state your reasons  and  thank them for their input but the reboot is yours.  the relationship can be worked on when you have a more clear head.   Just remember their is always the chance you will be caught and that could be worse    So its best to keep fighting hard to not be looking at it anymore

   Cheers  hope it goes well for you

    Post often it helps me it helps you

   Cheers  hope it goes well for you
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 03, 2020, 09:40:43 PM
Didn't see you post anything today sir...hope all is well.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 04, 2020, 06:01:21 PM
Hi You Guys,    Thanks for responding/ caring.  On today's menu we have something personal that is not directly related to porn. Also, be forewarned it may be quite corny.
I got the call yesterday that I'd been exposed to someone infected at work and also laid off. Today driving to get tested I was terrified.  I might be dead in 20 days.  (I get the results in 5.)  It occurred to me that I don't want to die.  I love life.
My brain then said to me, "What if you knew you'd be dead in 20 days, what would you do, would you spend some of it jerking off to strangers looking at a phone?"
Two days earlier to escape an edging trap I went for a long random drive. It took me past the state prison. That's when I had an 'ah-ha' moment. I'm free!  It's a bid deal and everyone in the world does not have freedom.
Bottom line-- I've had a bit of a wake-up call.
When I got home from the test I blocked Chrome which I was using to access porn.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 05, 2020, 07:01:31 PM
Hi you guys,   Thanks for those responding/caring.
 
I want to let you guys know that the way I'm feeling now even a simple, "Hang in there" or "You can do this" etc. can make a huge difference if I happen to read it at the right moment.
So don't feel like you need to write some lengthy smart reply (which I sometimes do). I'm going to try to practice what I preach, so to UK,  Imnot, Joe, Rookie and the rest, here's my message to you guys--
Good work!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 05, 2020, 10:53:08 PM
I usually check every day for updates...keep the gloves on bro. You're the one in the ring, but we're in your corner, and cut men...
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 08, 2020, 06:55:39 PM
Hey Pal,  Thanks for being in my corner.  I've sorely needed it lately.  Today has been better, thank goodness.  I still had to take a long drive to clear my head.
How are you?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 08, 2020, 11:22:49 PM
Being somewhat of a skeptic on things lately (the previous description people gave me was "conspiracy theorist") my stress got a bit elevated. I follow a few interesting folks on Twitter (nothing regarding my addiction) and the stuff they posted, they predicted Micheal Flynn's release last month. However, they predicted May 7th. And a few more things I found out, not worth going into here.

Anyway, that stress of Christ coming back (I'm a Christian that believes the next time Christ comes, it's the end), and I would be indulging in this...sorry, but the temptation is kind of dead at the moment...thank you sir.

Glad you're still fighting. Keep it up...the days we can look at, and say, "yep, that was a tough one, really tough, but I didn't cave" are very, very proud days.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: jcwright on May 09, 2020, 09:58:40 AM
Just so you know you got one more person in your corner. So many great things are waiting for you. Don't ever get off this ship, friend.

Feel free to read my journal. I explained how I reached the 90-day mark (and counting)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 10, 2020, 07:13:26 PM
Thanks JC and Rookie,  Your support means a lot to me. I think this whole forum/site has made a world of difference for me. People are really generous and caring.  You just don't find that everywhere- at least not in my world. (especially for free lol)
I've finally strung together a strong 3 day string. Hopefully I'll start to get back some of the traction that I lost.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 10, 2020, 07:28:37 PM
3 days is huge!!! I always found that's when the pull to go back was the strongest!! It's also where there are voices in your head saying "you only have 3 days in, might as well keep watching, and start over"....

Get to 5 days and you're on your way...you're in the danger zone of falling again...legs are wobbly, knees are shaking...instead of sitting down, do like the boxers do, jump around and keep away. If you sit now, there's a chance you'll give in.

Keep the fight, let's count to 10 like they do in a boxing match, and re-calibrate...then tomorrow, come out swinging.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 11, 2020, 01:32:29 PM
Hiya Rook,  Thanks for putting this in perspective for me.  3 days is huge! You helped me adjust my angle just enough to feel good instead of bad.
I'm still in the ring, a bit battered and bruised, and definitely scared.
So what I'm trying to do is look at it like my foe, addiction, has taken a few straight ones to the jaw also. His legs may be feeling a bit wobbly like mine. He doesn't seem as cocky as he did 67 days ago when we first got in the ring together (plenty of relapses.)
His smirky little grin like he knows he'll knock me out is gone.
Right now he's winning on points and knocked me down more than once. This fight could go either way.
It helps to have you in my corner Pal.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 11, 2020, 10:56:57 PM
I know the fight I have still going on now. Especially with the lack of intimacy my wife has right now. I don't know if it's the stress she's going through at work, if it's menopause that's starting, or what is going on with her. But yea, not much relief.

What I can say, is that the first three weeks, I felt like I had blue balls every day...and walked around half mast. I suspect I had the attitude of "sulking" cause I wasn't getting relief, and I couldn't / can't tell her about my addiction right now. She's emotional fragile. So, it was a fight.

But now, 50 + days in...absolutely no strain down there at all. I am still careful on the movies I'm watching...I know some triggers are still there. Stupid bikini and ads of the sort on our Facebook page (she's always browsing crap online, so it reflects in the feed, and since we share our FB...I see it all). But, I scroll past and I keep telling myself "you're halfway up the mountain, you don't want to trip now, you have great momentum".

All this to say, there are some aspects that are much, much easier. But the temptations, still very strong some days.

Keep fighting bro, I can tell you that the 50 day journey, is very hard at the start, but it's very, very worth it.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 12, 2020, 03:37:12 PM
Hiya Rook,  It sounds like you're really dialed in on your triggers.  That's a good strategy.  I need to improve there.
As far as the wife thing I'm ignorant but I do know you're dialed in to her and her needs. That's got to be a good thing.
Walking around at half-mast for a 3 weeks!  I haven't done that since high school. Maybe it's a good sign.
You got 50!  It may be half way up the mountain (depends on the size of the mtn.), but it is definitely a good-sized chunk.
I'm proud of you Pal.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: realfakeusername on May 12, 2020, 05:26:15 PM
I've finally strung together a strong 3 day string.

It's all one day at a time, one hour, one temptation, one string of days at a time.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on May 13, 2020, 08:44:56 AM
Just read your entries - Jeez, what a rollercoaster. Awesome how you're turning up for yourself despite these feelings you have about not being deserving or good enough (is the impression I got). We need to start from a place of saying - I'm here, and I'm good, and I'm worthy. You're not defined by this addiction, you're not good only if you beat this, or if you get 3 or 30 or 300 days. I know how worthless this habit can make you feel.

I've started listening to 'porn free radio' podcast, which I'd recommend. A recent episode, he said he had more respect for the man who turns up authentic, in trouble and vulnerable, but turning up, who needs the community; rather than the man who comes with his '10 tools to help me beat this' (who's working from a fear based motivation).

Sorry, lots of rambling, hope your day's going well
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 13, 2020, 04:43:17 PM
Hi Joel,   You guys are forcing me to acknowledge that I have a crappy self-image.  AND, that I'm not doing a very good job hiding it.
UK called me out on that too.
It's an ancient problem I've been working on.  I used to listen to self-improvement tapes. One guy, I think it was N.V. Peale, suggested repeating aphorisms/mantras. So I'd say stuff like, "I'm good, I'm valuable..." It didn't work for long.
On the other hand, hearing it from you matters a lot. Thanks
Day 6, totally clean.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 15, 2020, 07:55:07 PM
Day # 8  I've been doing pretty well for a week.  Man I needed some traction.  That edging was killing me.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 16, 2020, 03:20:03 PM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

First of all thanks for the kind words in UKGuy's thread! It really means a lot to me, so thank you!

Second, day 8 is an amazing compliment! And BTW, having a crappy self image is not something that is strange on a forum with addicts  ;) I think a lot of us have at least a part of us that we don't feel good about! So no worries man, you're not alone.

About the whole being in contact with the covid person, i didnt find the results on here? What was the outcome?

All in all glad that you've renamed the thread to ex-edger. In all the coming time and your entire process, no matter what happens, you will always be an ex-edger, because every minute of effort you put into not being an edger is an absolute win.

You're doing an amazing job so far, so keep it up.

I'm rooting for you!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 16, 2020, 07:07:56 PM
Hi Shade,  You my friend are a positive guy!  My self image has been crap for a long time. 
Through guys like you and UK I've started to realize it needn't be.  Can you believe I've never thrown a party!
Of course it's not all b/c of porn but the addiction was a big part of it.  I didn't feel "worthy" of throwing a party.  It would make me a fake somehow.
It is such warped logic, but there it is. And it got into a weird dimension too.  ex. What if my friend's wife is sitting where I pmo'ed 14 hrs ago?
This pmo addiction got into my head big time! 
It's like, I have to hide my addiction... I am my addiction... therefore I have to hide ME.   ouch!!!
That's the kind of thinking I was doing.  Very self-destructive.
This forum has allowed me to realize that my addiction is not me. I'm more than that.  Plus, there is at least one place on earth where I don't have to hide it or me.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on May 17, 2020, 04:16:34 AM
" rather than the man who comes with his '10 tools to help me beat this' " ....who may not need the community so much, but is just ticking a box on his checklist of tools. ... is how I meant to end my last post to you, but lost my train of thought :)

Well done on the streak, my man. And love how positive your last post sounded.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on May 17, 2020, 05:20:51 AM
*******************************
*      WHOOP WHOOP, PARTY TIME!    *
*                                                     *
*      CONGRATULATIONS TO MY        *
*         MAIN MAN MR SLURPS           *
*                                                     *
*              10 DAYS CLEAN                *
*   (JUST LIKE THE COMFY CHAIR!)    *
*                                                     *
*        KEEP GOING, MY FRIEND!        *
*******************************
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 17, 2020, 05:21:59 PM
Hiya UK,
You have no idea what that just meant to me. 
10 days!
I'm more optimistic. Plus I feel in some nebulous way that this journey will improve my life in other areas. That probably seems quite obvious and why most are here. 
Of course everyone knows this addiction is harmful/bad/debilitating.
I know all that but it is starting to really sink in on a deeper level.
It probably touched/damaged, directly or indirectly, every bit of my life.

I don't know if it's my age/amt of time immersed or the nasty/shameful aspect of the p, but I'm realizing this stuff cuts deep.
It's comparable to cancer on some levels.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: joepanic on May 17, 2020, 08:58:51 PM
MR SLURPS!!!!!!

                                                             CONGRATULATIONS

        10 days brother  the 1st victory of many more to come   Take some time to reflect back on what you did to achieve it  and than soldier on for another 4 days to mke 2 weeks   thats no small feat for an (ex) addict

     Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 17, 2020, 09:03:14 PM
Congrats my friend!!! 10 days is absolutely huge!!!!

Now that's a streak to build on!! When we get to 3 - 4 days, it's "easy" to fall, cause you think to yourself, "it's only 3 days, I can start that anytime". But 10 days, you're well on your way. Pride will start setting in that you just don't want to break that streak...

Well done sir!!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on May 18, 2020, 07:09:33 AM
Congrats!! Onward!!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 18, 2020, 07:08:34 PM
Hey guys,  Thanks for the encouragement.  It really helps me.
Yesterday I made it through but it was a close call.
An old contact from the dating site started sexting. I almost went down the rabbit hole but managed to delete her in time.  Whew!
I hope you all are doing ok w/ the quarantine.  Some of my friends have gotten depressed/pessimistic.
Look at us, if anyone ever made lemonade out of a sour situation it is us!
This may seem random, even for me, but here it is:
I used to volunteer doing burials.  It is considered a high level of charity b/c you can't be thanked by the person you helped. ( btw It doesn't creep me out.)
Here's the connection... one of the most courageous things in our society is breaking an addiction.  And unlike people quitting smoking, or getting off the bottle, probably nobody will ever know about our battle.
We get no slap on back or 'way to go!' (except in this forum)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on May 19, 2020, 06:33:45 AM
That is such a significant achievement Mr Slurps. Most of the time, our triggers are internal - moods, fears, boredom...with the occasional external stimulus such as seeing someone in the supermarket queue that we find attractive. We train ourselves through this process to recognise those triggers and deal with them before they take root and we switch to 'addiction autopilot' and act out. However, I don't think many of us (yourself included) prepare ourselves for such an unexpected advance from a willing participant. To have resisted that pull is such a testament to your progress.....bravo!
The other things I note in your post is around recognition by others - that's something I've craved for years, particularly in my professional life, and I am currently going through a journey to try and wean myself off it - I think one of the things that I have learned is that self acceptance, love and congruence, if it can be found, is significantly more valuable and long lasting than the temporary approval or recognition from others. So the journey is worth it (and some) despite it going unrecognised by most.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 19, 2020, 01:25:17 PM
Hi, Guys,  Thanks for the support.  It is crucial on days like today.  I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
I found myself doing a wimpy thing-- bargaining.
It went something like this:  "If I don't pmo then it's ok to sext, right? If I don't o then it's still good right?"  The answer is definitely "NO!" but it is so weak it scares me.
Then I fall into another trap.  "It's ok for all those other people to succeed, they haven't been through what I have... they're married...they haven't been addicted as long as me..."
That's also crappy logic.  Just excuses.
Have any of you guys been through these wimpy dialogues when you were really struggling?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on May 20, 2020, 03:53:38 AM
In a word, 'YES' Mr S....I can relate.

It's as if the thinking part of your brain has been hacked by the reward centre in your brain and is trying to come up with logical arguments to justify acting out. My old routine was that my brain would convince me that a certain (relatively innocuous) activity was ok. e.g.: looking at photos of attractive female friends on facebook. This is the critical point that you have to keep control of. If I could overcome it, I'd draw strength and carry on. If I succumbed, I can 100% GUARANTEE you that very quickly my behaviour would have escalated, and we all know where the story ends. I found that when your brain is trying to create these arguments, just like a barrister/lawyer arguing a case, it completely ignores the other side of the argument...so the brain wont second thought to all the reasons you are trying to give up porn/edging whatever...the shame, the fatigue, the foggy head, the lack of sleep, the time wasting. It is up to YOU to be the opposing barrister and put this case forward with conviction....and then make your judgement with certainty. Also, don't forget Traveler32/Shade's 6 point plan, which is priceless on occasions like this:

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.

Keep strong my friend!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on May 20, 2020, 11:05:35 AM
Absolutely, I could list them all but won’t bother. A great tool for this is jounaling and self-talk. You’re already conscious that this voice is ‘wimpy’ and not the authentic you. It’s the addiction wanting its drug. Like a kid wanting its candy (and we all know giving a kid candy whenever it cries equals disaster). Writing down the process is effective and calming. So write down these arguments and have a dialogue with them until your ‘child’ and ‘adult’ agree.

Eg - If I don't pmo then it's ok to sext, right?/ no, they’re both poison, and I decided it’s my strict rule that tech and sexuality are things that don’t mix during my reboot. (this may go back and forth for a page until you feel at peace).

Then if you relapse. Look at your journal, and see where the dialogue was faulty – look at the holes in your submarine and patch them up. Eg – I didn’t make a strict rule about sexting, and I got excited and eventually relapsed. My new strict rule from now on is, no sexting! And there is no compromise around that.

In my experience, if you’re struggling, you have to deal with your struggle and get on top of it; instead of continuously struggling for 90 days. Read the forums and write in your journal until you feel fully bought in and feel strong about continuing your reboot. If you see a sexy women in the street, go home, get out your journal and process your emotions. Onward!


Ah, didn't see that Guy had written a really helpful reply, but that was my off-the-top-of-my-head thought
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: joepanic on May 20, 2020, 08:14:32 PM
Hey Mr Slurps

              Yes Im sure most of us have bargained  are way through this   It is part of the process and in time you will soon  begin seeing the logic in that it doesnt help you.  During the times when your not suffering  urges when your mind is clear   work as hard as you can on a hobby  or something  so you begin to find new pleasures in life and perhaps whe the urge hits your mind might be able to lead you to  your new hobby.

   Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 21, 2020, 06:39:32 PM
Day 0,  Sorry guys.  I edged today.  Would have been 2 weeks.  I feel weak and a bit hopeless. But I don't feel like I want to quit.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 22, 2020, 02:11:54 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

you have nothing and I stress nothing to be sorry for! You do not have to account for anything to us. we are your peers and we will keep supporting you!
Yes, it's sad that you've relapsed but it's also a bump in the road towards a porn free life, they are part of the journey, we all face them!

So nothing to apologize for and keep your chin up!

So, what made you edge again? Was it a location, a time or were you triggered? Understanding the answers will help you prevent it next time!


Im still rooting for you man, and a little extra today!

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on May 22, 2020, 03:41:54 AM
Mr S,
I echo Shade's comment that you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
13 days is a fantastic achievement that will have built resilience. The slip is an opportunity to learn and grow stronger still.
I have been failing for so long, but every time try to diagnose why? Every time, make the plan and your arsenal of tools that little bit more watertight, until one day you reach a critical mass of pieces of the jigsaw that tips you into the victorious zone. So long as you keep trying and trying to build on your progress, you're improving. For example...if you get back on your horse now (as you clearly have just by being here vs falling off and staying off), and you put in another 2 weeks, you'll have edged twice in a month. How does that compare to the old Mr S? Very favourably I would suggest - certainly not failure. All that time back, your improved mood, mindset, perspective about women...they are all victories. Just because a soccer team lets a goal in, it doesn't mean they've lost the game … they regroup, refocus and push on.
My critical mass of jigsaw pieces came when I joined up here. But by that point I had an awful lot of other tools (or pieces) in place. You have been fortunate to find the benefit of being here as one of the earlier pieces in your journey. The quest is to find the others as you go - and anyone following you can see how many you've collected over the past fortnight. But where are the others? What are the learnings from within, and specifically (as Shade says), where were the triggers - what were the emotional and physical circumstances that led up to the slip. When did it start to go a little off course? Was it a bit of complacency that crept in after your 10 day celebration? Was it the unwanted sext you received the other day that started the sequence of events? Did your routine of coming on here change for any reason and was that a factor? Was the comfy chair just too much of a draw (and if so, why)? Or was it something completely different? Keep asking why? understand, don't judge yourself. The very awareness this process develops will represent further pieces of the jigsaw for you and enable you to see things earlier next time. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have made a most excellent start...so smile at the opportunity to learn some more, and look at your slip as a necessary and important step in the process.

“Strength through adversity. The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight.”
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 22, 2020, 08:19:45 AM
I will echo the previous 2. Remember when I mentioned that there would be 2 counts if I relapse? The counter starts again for the streak, but now, so does the counter for the relapses.

You got to what's called "Heartbreak Hill"...look it up. No one wins that marathon without going through it. The question is, how long are you going to linger in it before picking up your shoes, and finishing the marathon.

I have another thread here, that I had started. I relapsed, hard, and long (months). I came to this new thread I have...but with a real purpose.

We are not giving up on you...don't you give up on us...get those gloves back on, and swing...who cares if you miss, just the swinging part will intimidate your opponent and show that you're not going down that easy. Many boxing fights were won without a strategy, just swinging for the fences, and just one hit connected. Hard.

 

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 22, 2020, 11:54:30 AM
Hi Guys,  Thanks for your words.  They help me a lot right now.  Probably the best idea is to remember that last time I relapsed/edged, I went at if for 5 days.  If I can keep it to one that will be some progress/consolation.
At this point I'm searching for triggers.  The almost sexting was big. So too w/ loneliness. Also 3 close friends are having really bad difficulties in their lives. I care/listen and also help.  But that shouldn't be a trigger b/c that is what's called Life.
I think today will be pivotal.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on May 23, 2020, 07:47:48 AM
Hope you can process those challenges and get up on the horse soon, Slurps
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Leonidas on May 23, 2020, 06:34:29 PM
At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.
Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on May 24, 2020, 02:42:40 AM
I interpreted Mr Slurps comments slightly differently Leonidas, in that he is trying to locate the triggers that led to his slip - I would certainly think this is a good practice as it leads to awareness and an ability to see those triggers the next time they occur before one is overcome by them and ends up relapsing mindlessly and unconciously.

I am not sure if you and I are interpreting his words differently, or we disagree on the subject, and value in trigger identifcation!?

At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.
Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 24, 2020, 08:40:17 AM
I interpreted Mr Slurps comments slightly differently Leonidas, in that he is trying to locate the triggers that led to his slip - I would certainly think this is a good practice as it leads to awareness and an ability to see those triggers the next time they occur before one is overcome by them and ends up relapsing mindlessly and unconciously.

I am not sure if you and I are interpreting his words differently, or we disagree on the subject, and value in trigger identifcation!?

At this point I'm searching for triggers.
I think today will be pivotal.
Hello Mr. Slurps, sorry for abbreviating your quote by I just found it to be quite telling.  Searching for triggers... yes that would invite more trouble than good.  But just to sidetrack for a bit, some of the followers of Buddhism profess that experimenting with 'difficult' or 'challenging' situations is the only possible way to achieve Nirvana within a lifetime.  Back to searching for triggers: although not wrong, and even seen as good by some in Buddhist circles, it is mostly going to lead one to be burned.  If thoughts arise, let them be, as there is no point in suppressing (doesn't work).  Your mind will gradually resort less to those triggers over time.  But inviting them explicitly is opening a can of worms!

And - today (or tomorrow or the day after) may be pivotal... but then it may not.  Why fret?

While I echo both of these, if I may add my quick thoughts. Part of my recovery and reboot, was to NOT linger too much on trying to figure out where I went wrong, and what happened. I know that if I went on my Instagram and clicked "search", it was nothing but gorgeous women barely dressed showing off their bodies. My Tumblr account was purely for P clips...and Twitter, I can control my urges when searching at home, I can't when it's on my phone. I also knew when my wife was out for a period of time, and I was bored or frustrated...led to a fall.

But if I tried to analyze it more than that...it was giving me more urges.

I'll give 2 quick illustrations. I don't know if anyone here is a "conspiracy theorist" or a "skeptical thinker" as I prefer to call myself. When this whole virus thing started, the theorists started with the mark of the beast, the vaccine and a bunch of other stuff. So, I searched, I analyzed and found a bunch of stuff. I was thinking "if I can be well prepared for the signs and know what the "future triggers" will be, I'll be safe. Well, the research I did led me in such an evil world, that I gave myself anxiety for 3 weeks, barely any sleep and images I can't erase from memory. So, I just left it all, and thought (religious talk here) Christ, you got this.

Second illustration, finances, I'm a numbers guy. When I bought my truck, I ran through roughly 15 scenarios on "can I afford this"...got anxiety. I went back to the basics, did up my budget, and realized, I was only increasing my payments by X amount from my car to the truck...I'll find a way in the tough months.

All this to say, Mr. Slurps, if your mind works like mine, I wouldn't linger too much on analyzing things. It may unfortunately lead you back to where you started. Learn to move on. Besides, you may not know what the triggers are till you fall a few times, at which point, you see a pattern..."every time I do this, or every time this happens...it leads me to this"...

I know I rambled much, and if you're like the other guys, finding your triggers might be beneficial, if you're like me, you don't want to linger on it too much.

Keep us posted on your progress!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 24, 2020, 08:46:55 AM
I think we hit an important spot in this conversation, and i think you worded it well Rookie, not everyone is wired the same or benefits from the same approach.

If you are lucky you will find that the first approach you try works for you, but some other people need to find their way.

At the end of the day Mr.Slurps, you will need to decide what is the best way for you to approach this. I think that the last three posts can contribute to that. Either if you are a more let it be, i accept it kind of guy or the guy that analyzes whats happened in order to understand it kind of guy. Whatever works for you.

And while you need to keep an eye out for yourself, being there and helping others can be a great motivator towards healing yourself since helping others has been clinically proven to improve your own mood.

Keep it up Mr.Slurps, we are as always rooting for you!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 28, 2020, 02:05:46 PM
Hi Guys, This is day 7. As far as triggers go, w/ me it seems sometimes everything is a trigger.
Sometimes it's very discouraging b/c I have to escape my house to escape the triggers. Luckily cafes are starting to open. But it feels humiliating to have to flee my own house.
Then again, I say to myself swallow your pride and do whatever it takes.  That's pretty much the path I'm following. It's like I'm so scared of land-mines I can't go out in the field. 
Today is 84 days since I began rebooting. My hopes for 90 have been pushed back quite far. Probably I was over-confident or under-estimated the ferocity of this addiction.
Thankfully the rest of my life is good.
I'm not sure how long I can keep dodging bullets though.
Thanks for all of your help.  And yes, I know I've been quiet and not supporting you guys since my relapse. That's not fair and also it is not helping my own cause. The cafes have not had internet so I'm going to have to figure out a way to be more supportive and not too exposed.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on May 29, 2020, 02:06:42 PM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

Do not worry about you supporting us. We've got you for now.

It's like you say, swallow your pride. If  that's what this takes to come out of this, then it is more than worth it. Once you've beaten addiction you will come out a much better, stronger and more stable man.

And this may be day 84 for you (today is almost 6 months for me) it might've been an underestimation that you would tame the beast so quickly.
But there absolutely no shame in that. It is a difficult road, with a lot of bumps. And sometimes you relapse.. That's also part of the journey. But relapses are also a moment to learn. About your triggers/emotions but also why you want to resort to PMO. Eventually those things will become clean and that will help you in actively battle your addiction. Just remeber that for the entirety of the road, you have us to cheer you on.

You got this man, I (we) am (are) cheering for you!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on May 31, 2020, 03:59:41 PM
Hiya Guys,  After 8 days, big relapse (pmo) yesterday and today.  Even writing this feels like grasping at straws.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: jixu on May 31, 2020, 06:39:40 PM
But at least you are here, right?  Try to cut the binge; start back up-not today, but right now.  Keep going, you have already proven yourself.   
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on May 31, 2020, 09:46:42 PM
Don't forget, you had a great streak going, so, from that perspective, you have proven it's not bigger than you. It might be as big as you, and might hit hard...but you had a streak, which means, you can beat this. Might take a few knock downs (really hoping not), but, you have definitely shown that you have strength and willingness to fight it.

We're here for you bro.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: jcwright on May 31, 2020, 09:59:44 PM
Just try again friend. It is not the end. Keep going and remember there is plenty of support here.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 01, 2020, 03:15:56 AM
You know you've got plenty guys here rooting for you Mr Slurps. The only questions are What happened? How did it happen? How do you learn from that going forwards?
I did note that you were here a lot less than you used to be of late - was that a contributory factor to the slip (I know it would be for me). The more time you are focussing on learning, sharing, supporting, being supported, the less time and opportunity there is for the insidious habit to creep back in and get a foothold. Were you 100% good before the relapse or did the edging creep back in beforehand? Did you think of the 6 point plan and then mentally override it, or did it not even crop up in your consciousness? This situation is a blessing - a high quality learning opportunity....if you choose for it to be. If you're comfortable doing so, it would be good to understand the answers to the questions above - I'm sure many of the guys will be able to relate, add their perspective, and in doing so lift you by letting you know that you are not alone. Take care my friend, but above all....take action.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 01, 2020, 08:36:39 AM
Hey MrSlurps,

Ill echo what UKGuy said and wanted to let you know we are still here for you!
Keep that chin up, there is nothing to be ashamed off. We are here for you and with you!

Just get back up on that horse, i'm rooting for you!


Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 01, 2020, 03:09:30 PM
Hi Guys,  I'm in a full-fledged tailspin--3 days of relapsing. Needless to say I'm a tad miffed at myself. (I used those words intentionally but you can imagine the expletives I was thinking.) 
Now I really need to concentrate on getting a 1 day streak.  It's come to that.
UK you actually caught me. (I hate when you do that. haha) I had had a brief edging session that I said "cut yourself some slack."
The usual triggers for me are hornyness and loneliness. Also weekends are tough b/c of free time, drinking, and getting off my weekday healthy routines. These are all tough for me to alleviate in my current reality.
I need to have structure/control.  Now I've lost control and it feels horrible and weak.
June may prove a good month. That's my goal- better than March, April, and May.
 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 03, 2020, 10:57:38 AM
How is it going Mr Slurps? Have you finished your tailspin? I hope so. I think it is worth some more detailed diagnosis of the triggers (whether you choose to share it or not). I am happy to try and help where I can. Just let me know. Hope you're feeling better - don't be hard on yourself!!! Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on June 03, 2020, 11:35:22 AM
I was in a tail spin last year...lasted 9 months. The only thing I can say, I hated myself even more at the end of it, that I didn't take even a little bit of control. I don't know what advice to give you, aside don't believe the lies your brain tells you of "just one more time"...

Now almost 80 days in (lost count, I have to do the math again), I can fully admit, it's worth it. Hoping you start climbing out of your rut, you may need a ladder to see the grass, but it's there. Don't keep playing in the mud thinking it's the best you can get. Our minds play power illusions.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 04, 2020, 03:22:28 AM
Hey Mr.Slups,

I hope you've picked yourself up again. 

You said that in the weekends you get off your healthy weekday routines. Would it help you if you were to continue those routines in the weekend? It might bring some more structure for you to hang on to in times of urge!

Hope you are well, rooting for you!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 04, 2020, 03:54:50 PM
Hi Guys, Thanks for the unwavering support.  I haven't been worthy in a biblical sense of such bounty. But I do feel it and that's the only reason I'm here and haven't utterly thrown in the towel
I finally have 1 day under my belt. That feels good.
The flip side of the coin is that today could have been my 90th day and a full reboot. So chemically/psychologically I have made no progress.
There are really only two positives in this long drawn out failure/relapse- I haven't thrown in the towel completely.
And miraculously (no exaggeration) I now have caring, supportive, and experienced 'friends.' (I cut short the list of accolades b/c I don't want UK to get a big head.
Tomorrow is day 2 hopefully.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on June 04, 2020, 11:51:06 PM
Here's a question for ya. In the 90 days, how many relapses...and before the reboot, how many would there have been?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 05, 2020, 01:08:39 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

First of all, the question Rookie asked is an excellent one!

Secondly why do you feel like you are not  'worthy'. Worthiness implies that you have to meet requirements before you have a right to something.
To me that is utter nonsense because you are a human being an no lesser than any other person. Anyone deserves support and love no matter what. And that includes you Mr.Slurps!

It is great that you've got the day 1 done! Excellent job. It is as you say that despite your tailspin you are back on the horse, trying again.

the fact remains that you are still here, on this forum.

Good luck man, i'm rooting for you



Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 05, 2020, 08:59:44 AM
Good to see you back Mr S.
What are your reflections after your 'binge'?
Has it made you more resolute to stop, or feeling helpless that you were sucked back in again?
I have felt both of those emotions many times in the past myself, and quite often it's a mixture of both.
Either way, they are just feelings, and will pass themselves, as the feelings of temptation also pass if we watch them and follow the 6 point plan (copyright shade and traveler 32!)
I think what's important is that we don't get sucked into those emotions but instead ensure that each day we learn. Despite the pain and frustration they bring in the short term, those failure days are rich with learning (moreso in fact than the success days), but we need to extract that learning and then apply it to grow - otherwise we just keep going round in the same circles.
As an aside, I disagree with your assessment that you've made no chemical/psychological progress just because you slipped and binged. Why not write a list of the things you've learned since you joined the site? I think you'll be surprised.
Then write a list of the stuff you'll do differently that incorporates the learnings.
Well done on day 1 - we all look forward to celebrating day 2 with you. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 06, 2020, 04:53:19 PM
Hi Guys,  I've got 3 days now. That means a lot. But it feels like it amounts to a hill of beans. Nothing.
I've lost some of my motivation b/c of the binge. The sharp edge is now dull.
Before I hated porn and what "it" did to me and how it ensnared me. 4 days ago I was still welcoming it back as a long lost friend.
That's the negative.
The positive is that intellectually, now that I've been on this reboot path for 90 days, I know porn is not a friend and never can be. My friends, like those here, I can trust to do/say what is in my best interest. Not so w/ porn.
As far as how many days I did relapse during 90, I'd estimate 20.
Days I would have- approx. 85. The difference is 65. Average time per session- 2 hours. = approx 130 hours doing something better.
130 hours> 3 full work weeks
So, Rookie, thanks for the comparison idea.
Just in terms of time (not emotional, spiritual, that blah feeling...) more than 3 full work weeks is in reality a big gain.
UK, re the learning I got from that big relapse was to cherish the clean days and not take them for granted. The clean days are in reality (not just my mind) better.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 06, 2020, 05:07:51 PM
That was funky! After I made that last statement re how clean days are in "reality" better, "not just my mind," I realized that was a weird thing to say. What basis do I have to say that?
This is what I came up with:  the clean days make the days of my loved ones directly better.
Their friends and families are better, albeit infinitesimally. And that effect may indirectly effect universe. (that may be a stretcher)
On my clean days, there are definitely fewer minutes of porn "consumed." That too, to some extent, lessens the pejorative effect of porn on others. Maybe one less woman was violated thereby.
 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 07, 2020, 11:02:40 AM
Great insight Mr Slurps. Everyone that matters wins! Especially you. So great to see you positive and moving forward.
 
That was funky! After I made that last statement re how clean days are in "reality" better, "not just my mind," I realized that was a weird thing to say. What basis do I have to say that?
This is what I came up with:  the clean days make the days of my loved ones directly better.
Their friends and families are better, albeit infinitesimally. And that effect may indirectly effect universe. (that may be a stretcher)
On my clean days, there are definitely fewer minutes of porn "consumed." That too, to some extent, lessens the pejorative effect of porn on others. Maybe one less woman was violated thereby.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 09, 2020, 11:32:21 PM
Hey Guys,   Day 0.  I've fallen again. Now I need to pick myself up again. 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 10, 2020, 02:42:52 AM
I’m sorry to hear that Mr S, but keep going my friend!
I noticed that in your successful streak, you were here often (daily?). Do you think that frequent connectivity was a contributory factor in that success? I know it is for me. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 11, 2020, 04:47:52 PM
Hi Guys,  I have one clean day. Today will be #2.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 12, 2020, 01:59:21 PM
Hi guys,  UK you've been helpful and you have some wisdom that you share generously. Again, don't get too puffed up, even you probably falter on some little thing here and there. I'd guess you have some good karma in your bank account.
Today will be Day #3. It's not an impressive milestone but it is in baseball. If I make it through today, I'm back to batting .500 in June. If a baseball team has more wins than losses, it is a good season even if they don't make the playoffs.
There was a trying work issue that thankfully resolved well.
Related to that and rebooting I had a realization that I've been greedy. I want satisfaction/positive feelings to result from my worthy goals. In reality that can't always happen. There must also be some pain and disappointment.
So I need to expect the sometimes big frustrations and accept/prepare for them. (easier said than done)
As a minimum I can stop life's disappointments from being triggers to relapse. Turning to porn is really being greedy in the sense that I am refusing to accept that pain is part of the bargain in every endeavor.
Sorry for going off on the windy road of introspection.
How are you all faring?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 13, 2020, 03:26:50 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

Let's put it all in perspective. Although you've had some setbacks you did come on this forum every time. You did admit it to yourself and told us about it. And every time this happened you gained some knowlegde about the hows and the why's of your addiction.
So although you say day #3 is not impressive, it's still already three days that you've not indulged in this poisonous addiction.

So to me you are doing quite well! Remember that it's a progress and that eradicating an addiction is extremely difficult.


Stay strong my friend,


I'm rooting for you
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 13, 2020, 04:11:18 AM
Related to that and rebooting I had a realization that I've been greedy. I want satisfaction/positive feelings to result from my worthy goals. In reality that can't always happen. There must also be some pain and disappointment.
So I need to expect the sometimes big frustrations and accept/prepare for them. (easier said than done)
As a minimum I can stop life's disappointments from being triggers to relapse. Turning to porn is really being greedy in the sense that I am refusing to accept that pain is part of the bargain in every endeavor.
I think there is real wisdom and self awareness in your post Mr S.
I have been reading a bit about the Stoics recently, and Seneca said "The wise man looks to the purpose of all actions, not to their consequences; beginnings are in our power but fortune judges the outcome, and I do not grant her a verdict upon me." The book, BTW is called "The Little Book of Stoicism" by Jonas Salzgeber - recommended.
I'm glad that the St Slurps Sox baseball team is having a good June....you might make the play offs yet!
Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 13, 2020, 03:28:32 PM
Hiya UK,  Thanks for the words of encouragement/understanding. That is appreciated especially when everything feels precarious. As I write this I feel like I'm tottering on the edge of the precipice of relapse.
Thanks for the Seneca teaching. It sounds right. Of necessity the outcome is beyond our control (we could die tomorrow.) But that doesn't relieve us of the responsibility to act positively for a good reason.
Addiction is a weird thing. All here feel it is insidious and harmful in a very real sense. We all know re the dopamine and societal/biological factors. But there is a volitional aspect that is tough for me to grasp. (Please excuse all the philosophizing. It's a kind of diversion, hopefully not harmful, for me.)
For example, let's say I'm "addicted" to a pursuing a Christian life. It consumes all of my time, energy, and it is all I can think re. I would be drawn to like-minded people (our forum?). We would support and encourage each other and go to church on Sunday at a minimum. Of course our present culture wouldn't denigrate that and a minister's calling is admired. The habits are self-sustaining and grow in the same way many porn addicts turn to more aberrant videos.
UK, I'll turn to you to solve this conundrum. I've only been able to posit the issue, not solve it.
In the meantime, on the ground, today will be day #4 if I have my way.
Where are you at on your streak? And how do you feel?  I'm wondering if you have experienced/felt noticeable shifts and tides that you can articulate.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on June 14, 2020, 05:05:03 AM
Well done on getting accountable, Slurps, and great self awareness there. Have you listened to the porn free radio podcast? I think you'd find the guy interesting. He's not a big fan of terms like 'addiction' and 'dopamine' and is more interested in our heart's yearnings. He's Christian and that's a core part to him, but he speaks in a way that is helpful to anyone.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 14, 2020, 05:37:15 AM
Hi Mr S,
Ref your question, I think the key difference between an all encompassing religious lifestyle vs PMO addiction is that the latter is addictive, and the former isn't.
People may feel compelled to choose a particular religion (be that Christianity or any other) as it meets a need in their life, and as a consequence they may choose to dedicate large portions of their time to thinking about/participating in related activities. BUT - it always remains a choice. I have never met a Christian/Muslim/Jew etc who says 'I really need to kick this religion as I don't believe in it any more/it does me harm etc etc, but I just can't...I think I'm alright, but then I have a bad day, and next thing, WHAM....I find myself sat there in church, or praying' It just doesn't work like that.
PMO as we know is quite different, and whilst we always have the power of volition, the addictive nature of porn often makes exercising that volition extremely challenging (in the short term). The reboot process for me is about taking that volition, or right to choose, recognising that in the moment we are often weak, and committing to helping to supplement the thinking components of our brain to develop strategies that overcome the compulsion of the addiction and restore the effective power of choice across a longer time frame. They are my views anyway, for what they are worth! Be happy to hear anyone else. Take care and keep cheering the St Slurp Sox.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 14, 2020, 01:19:12 PM
Hiya guys,  Joel, I've got to be honest w/ you. I wasn't impressed by pfree radio. Maybe I was unlucky re the particular sessions.
In my opinion guys like you, UK, jix, shade, JoeP, Joel... have it over him in spades.
Anyhow, UK, pal, you made that religion v. porn distinction concisely and cleared it up for me. Good job. Thanks.
I had to read your second paragraph on volition twice b/c it was so good I needed to ingest it.
You seem to stress the strategic/prep aspect a lot for beating this addiction. I'm not sure if my brain is wired that way. I wish it were.
Maybe it's just a matter of learning how to take baby steps. Like when the urge strikes, scratch my nose and blink my eyes twice.
Suggestions?
Today is the opportunity for 5 clean days.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 15, 2020, 12:51:42 PM
Hiya Guys, (Day #6 if I have anything to say re it.)  Warning: this may be long-winded and all about my boring self.
It does start w/ you guys. Reading what you write about your marriages has given me a revelation that probably seems obvious. There is a lot of sacrifice, frustration and disappointment involved in even the best marriage.
In my porn induced "reality" I could live in a state of sexual bliss w/ beautiful willing women and make them disappear when I felt like it. No disappointment or frustration- only satisfaction. Two marriages and a lonely life have finally made me realize that this is a choice. It's not a matter of "I just haven't met the right one."
So even though I've repeatedly flubbed this reboot, this revelation is probably a boon.
When I see you guys, even in the midst of corona and your own tribulations, surrounded by love, it gives me hope. Hopefully I can dump porn in favor of love. It's as simple as that for me.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 16, 2020, 04:14:45 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

Your realization is exactly how I see it as well.
keeping a marriage good is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. And what you wrote about the porn reality is something that i resonate 100% with.
I think that the statement of "haven't met the right one" is something that people say that were not motivated or too afraid to do somethiing with the situation. And of course finding your best match is something of a lucky break, but in all relationships you have to work together and create common ground.

I hope that you will find love, no matter what. In the end it is about acceptance and commitment.


Take care my friend
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 16, 2020, 06:35:11 PM
Day #7- one week.  I'm getting the upper hand in June. 10 days clean v. 6 of relapse
Shade, thanks for the good thoughts/wishes. You are a good person. (A lot of that going on in this forum)
I bet when we finally defeat this horrendous porn addiction we will feel a lot more grateful for being alive.

I'd also like to proclaim that I'm grateful for this forum and the special folks here.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on June 17, 2020, 08:12:56 AM
Great job on refocusing your thinking. I'm not looking forward to the day I relapse (if I do) with this streak going. But as I mentioned before, it will be how many days relapsed vs days in a streak.

And you're right, pretty much everyone on this forum is rooting for success out of everyone here.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on June 18, 2020, 05:07:18 AM
Hi Slurps,
congrats on one week, and those are great realizations about love. I guess the point of aiming for a 90 day streak is how much we learn and grow in the process. Porn urges won't magically disappear after 3 months, but we'll be men who are above them and can deal with them. Not watching porn seems like a simple thing to give up, but it is a journey that goes really deep and is an opportunity for a huge amount of growth and transformation. Onward!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 18, 2020, 09:33:39 AM
Well done Mr Slurps! Are we having another virtual party on day 10, or should be go for a fortnight?!  ;)
Great work.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 18, 2020, 05:06:25 PM
Hiya UK, Today is #9.  I'm feeling very tempted but I'd like to party on 2 wks. We should have a party for you too.  Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 19, 2020, 04:12:41 AM
I'm a better attendee than a host Mr S, but I'll be definitely at your 2 week party! Just make sure we get there, ok? Stay strong my friend! Party>PMO !!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 20, 2020, 02:19:28 PM
Hi UK, I'm working on getting to 2 weeks- and I mean struggling. Today will be #11.
The good news is that I've managed to turn around June after a very lousy start (6 days relapse/binge). On my calendar there are many more blue marks than red.
So as of this minute the 2 week party is on.  I'm trying to focus on that so I don't get overwhelmed by the full task ahead. Three days seems more feasible than 3 months or years.
I may adopt your formula in the future:   party>pmo
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 21, 2020, 05:04:26 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps,

great going my friend. Day #11 is excellent. When is your most difficult period? Because a lot of guys have troubles around the 2-3 weeks marker. PLease share so that all of us can help you get through it to make the 14 day party a fact!!!


I am rooting for you my friend! Stay safe and porn free
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 21, 2020, 04:09:42 PM
Hi, Day #12  UK you're right re that 2-3 week time being a pitfall for me. I'm wired tight as a banjo string and playing out worst case scenarios right and left. PMO...$$...job...family...friends...health...teeth (I'm a weirdo. lol)
Then taking a step back all of those are in decent shape. Far from perfect teeth but they're all there and functional. haha
The PMO urges are having a snowball effect gathering up every other uncertainty under the sun. (Man, we have plenty of them in this world at present.)
Any and all support/advice is definitely welcome. 
Happy Father's Day to anyone who qualifies.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: jixu on June 21, 2020, 06:27:32 PM
Great work!  Double digits is a great accomplishment and signifies an ability to do much more.  Have a good week!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 22, 2020, 02:17:36 AM
Well done Slurps. I thought all American's had good teeth, and it was us Brits that had the dodgy ones?!  ;)
In terms of negotiating the troublesome 2-3 week barrier, just remember:
- choose where you are building your resistance wall (ideally in front of those weak triggers to stop them in their tracks, not further down the line when you have your pants around your ankles - it's too late then). Invest serious time in this exercise, get it right, and practice being aware of when you are being pulled in the direction of milder triggers.
- have the 6 point plan on hand for emergencies (why not read it at the start and end of every day?)
Looking forward to the 14 day party my friend!
Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 22, 2020, 06:07:51 PM
Hi Guys,  Thanks for the support. I sure need it. Day #13, half way, working soon, thank goodness
Some semi-profound general said "war is hell!"  Today it is!
Triggers are popping up in the most unexpected places. I'm giving myself every delusive excuse known to mankind.
I think today will be white knuckle glory, at least that's what I'm hoping.
Yesterday I gave $9 to a crippled guy at the gas station. He wasn't begging.  It felt good to get my mind off of my pitiful self long enough to help some one else.
That's the way you guys are for me right now. I'm not begging but I sure do appreciate all help.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 23, 2020, 02:56:10 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your brother's heart attack Slurps and hope he is ok. I am sure that will be on your mind so take care. How much of your motivation is currently focussed on hitting 14 days? If a lot, how do you transition to another goal and build on the momentum? Well done on the great progress. It's really good to share it with you.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on June 23, 2020, 04:36:14 AM
Looking forward to that 2week milestone party slurps! That's amazing progress.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 23, 2020, 07:22:23 PM
Day 0,
Trigger was the perfect storm;  fear, sadness, isolation
Facts:  Brother had a heart attack yesterday was in ICU, father brought to ICU, Arizona is the hot spot of the U.S. by far now, so I got afraid and called off work for the week (probably a wise decision), but I feel like a wimp b/c I could have not cancelled

Lock down mode
Going to try to get back on track today and not binge
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 24, 2020, 02:24:19 AM
Hey Buddy,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. How is he doing currently? I hope is doing as well as circumstances would allow and that he makes a recovery!
You are not a wimp for calling of work, your first and foremost responsibility is to yourself and your own health, so i totally understand your decision to call of work.

About the relapse, man it sucks but it's okay my friend. For now try to focus on your own health and your brothers. We are here for you my friend!


Stay strong and all the best to your family
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 24, 2020, 03:19:46 AM
Hey Slurps,
I hope that you are feeling better today. Fear, sadness and isolation aren't great feelings but totally understandable in your current situation. Don't add to that by being too hard on yourself about the relapse - it's a 30% improvement on the last streak, and a foundation for further growth. My thoughts are with you both personally and for your brother/dad as you all work through your respective battles. Good luck getting back on track - we're all behind you. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: workinprogressUK on June 24, 2020, 08:59:26 AM
Day 0,
Going to try to get back on track today and not binge

Shittily stressful situation for you, Mr Slurps. Congratulations to you for getting straight back in here and refocusing yourself. Easy to throw your recovery in "the fuckit bucket" in such a difficult situation. I don't know if you'll find the article below useful, but it might give you something to focus on if you're having a case of "the fuckits". Wishing you strength today.

https://www.thefix.com/5-mindful-ways-overcome-fck-its
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Leonidas on June 24, 2020, 06:11:40 PM
Facts:  Brother had a heart attack yesterday was in ICU, father brought to ICU, Arizona is the hot spot of the U.S. by far now, so I got afraid and called off work for the week (probably a wise decision), but I feel like a wimp b/c I could have not cancelled
If you had been in New Zealand and cancelled work, then maybe I might have pulled your leg... but you live in the pandemic's deadliest zone.  Calling you a wimp for cancelling work would be the furthest thing from my mind.

I wish your brother and father recover well.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 24, 2020, 10:33:50 PM
Hi Guys,  My brother and father are back at their homes. Thanks for asking. There's mending to be done there and here!
I need to mend. I hit the skids and today was bad. (Day 0)
The lesson I did learn from my last relapse is to get back on here asap. (Even feeling pathetic and whiny...just write a short note.  If  I stick my head in the sand it will be worse.
I feel so unworthy of you and every one I know that cares about me.
Thanks for your support in yet another hour of need.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 25, 2020, 03:17:46 AM
Glad your Brother and Father are heading in the right direction Mr S.

Please though...stop feeling unworthy - you're completely worthy and part of this team. Your participation, encouragement and interest in others is highly valued (certainly by me).

Take care, be kind to yourself, and good luck getting that counter restarted.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: workinprogressUK on June 25, 2020, 05:27:41 AM
Wishing you strength and a slug of wisdom, Mr. S. Can you try to make it easier for yourself today? Any option to minimise your tech?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on June 25, 2020, 09:07:15 AM
We're here for you slurps, to help each other up and eventually cross the finish line together.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on June 25, 2020, 09:23:41 AM
Hey Man,

Im glad to hear that they are now back home and on the mend!

I want to point out that I will echo this comment by UK:

Please though...stop feeling unworthy - you're completely worthy and part of this team. Your participation, encouragement and interest in others is highly valued (certainly by me).

You are valued a lot by me as well! Keep that in mind my friend. You are in a tough situation, but we are with you and here for you.

Take care!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 25, 2020, 08:20:27 PM
Hi Guys, I appreciate the kind words and take them to heart.
I finally have 1 clean day under my belt so to speak. haha
Last relapse I binged for 6 days so maybe a two day binge is a bit of progress.
The residual images of porn are still running through my head so I'm in dangerous territory.
Thanks again for the kindness.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on June 26, 2020, 08:12:51 AM
Keep strong bro, and remember, your worthiness / unworthiness isn't based on your emotions regarding the group here or your emotions regarding yourself. That's the wrong path to walk down my friend. If anything, throw that stupid word out completely.

A little parallel here. My wife is incredibly hard on herself, and thinks her value to society is based on what negative people estimate her at. I just simply ask her, directly, firmly, but with compassion and love "what about the value I give you, after all the "shit" we have been through in this marriage, and I haven't walked out...what about my opinion of you, my parents, our close friends...doesn't that matter?"

All this to point out, if you're going to the negatives in life to base your worthiness, you're going to hit some hard times brother. Not saying you have to walk around with an ego, lol. I'm just saying, you're a brother on this forum, in the same fight. Your financial net worth might be bad, might be good, your living standards, your home, house, the rest of it...might be lower or higher in the hierarchy of society...your personal / life / human value, is not measured in human visuals my friend.

Walk with your head high (whether you're an introvert or an extrovert), and tell yourself, "I'm worth this fight, I might win or lose other ones, but this one, I'm worth it"...

Don't know if this helps, but when I was feeling down (wife's 3 suicide attempts, 3 loss jobs back to back to back, lost adoption, miscarriage and the list goes on), I keep telling myself, when life keeps trying to keep us down...my person, if nothing else, is worthy.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 27, 2020, 03:07:41 AM
2 Days!   Wow, you guys are somethin', Just made me feel a bit melancholy and humble- that's a good thing for me. This challenge is humbling for sure. So, I do feel unworthy at times, when it beats me down.
Because of myself and you guys, I promise to keep getting up.
2 days and counting!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 27, 2020, 11:21:24 PM
Day 0,  I'm just trying to remember that this is a process.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on June 28, 2020, 05:51:01 AM
I am plagiarising this from Matt Dobschuetz' (The Porn Free Radio Guy) weekly email Mr S...(worth signing up to)

"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
― Samuel Beckett, Westward Ho

Sam Beckett wrote the famous play, Waiting for Godot. It's about two guys sitting around waiting for another guy. Spoiler alert: the other guy never shows up.
I could write a play called Waiting for Recovery about two guys sitting around talking about recovery, but not doing anything. Spoiler alert: recovery never comes.
We stop trying because we are afraid to fail. But some of my biggest gains came after failure. It's what forced me to grow.

Truth: I am not waiting for recovery, I am taking action, and failing better.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on June 28, 2020, 05:57:30 AM
I will echo UK...as well as suggest going back to the basics...don't aim for 14 days...aim for a 6 hour fight. You have more stamina for 6 hrs than you do for 6 days right now. In a boxing match, they never say in the first round, "let's go for 15"...they always say, 1 round at a time, and often enough, 1 minute at a time.

The little fights will add up to the big one, but you have to fight the small ones to get to the big ones.

You got a lot going on, take some time away from the screen and go for a nature drive / walk...we're not giving up on you, keep posting, even if it's failures. Eventually, you will be a success story and a statistic (one of the ones that quit this thing), but first...walk slow. No need to run.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on June 29, 2020, 05:18:26 PM
Hi Rookie,  Day #2 I haven't thrown in the towel.
UK that was a good one even for you. I am taking it to heart because I've been unintentionally blind to the fact that failing is part of this process, at least for me.
Rook, thanks for your vote of confidence and reminding me to take baby steps right now. That advice was just what the doctor ordered.
Around 2 weeks seems to be where my resolve/endurance crumbles.
Thanks for not giving up on me. Pure logic indicates that I should not give up on myself if two guys I've never met won't give up on me. Thanks
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 01, 2020, 03:45:33 PM
How’s things Mr S?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 01, 2020, 11:08:01 PM
Hi Pal,  I'm on day 0 again.
I'm batting one out of three on the healthy, wealthy and wise continuum.
But I suppose if I have my health, strictly speaking I can attain some wisdom. (wealth I don't control other than showing up for work).
Wisdom is what this struggle comes down to for me. You can tell from my tone I'm feeling down b/c I've relapsed so much.
June was 20 clean, 10 relapses.  No appreciable progress.
My job right now is just to let go of my disappointment, frustration and helplessness-- find a foothold of equanimity.
How are you?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 02, 2020, 06:13:03 AM
I'm good thanks Mr S. Don't be down - remember about 'failing better'. So long as you take something out of each failure, no matter how small it is, it has value.
Maybe journaling those learnings after each failure and regularly revisiting them (maybe every day) will be a way of layering on your progress each time. The learnings mean little unless they remain in our consciousness, particularly versus the strength of the PMO pull. Journaling them on here maybe another idea for the community to help you build on them?
And don't forget that in June you had a 66% success rate. That's a platform to build on. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on July 02, 2020, 10:46:30 AM
Hi Pal,  I'm on day 0 again.
I'm batting one out of three on the healthy, wealthy and wise continuum.
But I suppose if I have my health, strictly speaking I can attain some wisdom. (wealth I don't control other than showing up for work).
Wisdom is what this struggle comes down to for me. You can tell from my tone I'm feeling down b/c I've relapsed so much.
June was 20 clean, 10 relapses.  No appreciable progress.
My job right now is just to let go of my disappointment, frustration and helplessness-- find a foothold of equanimity.
How are you?

For this post to makes sense, I'm just going to bring my Christianity, for example purposes only.

When I first got saved in 2000 and became a believer, I knew I sinned before God everyday before hand, but after I got saved and was "suppose" to acted like a Christian, it seemed I noticed every little sin twice as much as before. I didn't have a computer at the time, but I noticed all the women, every time I fantasized and every thing...so I brought it up to a Christian brother, and he mentioned, "once you know about the law, you will notice every time you commit an infraction, not that it takes away your salvation and progress, but now that you know about it, you can't help but see it".

All that, to say, it's also like a scratch on your car that may have been there for 2 yrs, but you never saw it before. Then someone you know tells you, "oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I did that quite a while ago"...now every time you walk by your car, you notice it. It doesn't change the overall value of the car, doesn't change that it's been there for 2 yrs. But now that you know about it, you will be convicted about it every time it happens.

My friend, same with the addiction we have here. It doesn't change your worth or value as a human being.

Now you're just noticing how bad and deep this thing goes cause you're trying to quit. Before you did a bit of research and tried to quit...it didn't bother you all that much.

My friend, you have to look past your relapses...yes, we see you post a few "day 0..." going on...but you're posting them. Which means, you're no doubt shameful about it (which is good, if we weren't shameful about it, we wouldn't be on this board), but you're also brave enough to face the fact that you need encouragement and support.

We have you here bro, good days and bad. The only thing you have to recognize, is that your worth, isn't measured by your relapses.

It's going to be a pain, cause now that you're trying to quit, you will notice every thing...but you can't linger on it.

Hope these words shed a bit of encouragement for you Mr. S.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 03, 2020, 03:18:53 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps how are you doing today?

So you've relapsed again, sad but not bad.
To me 20 days clean 10 relapse is way better than 20-30 days of relapse. Maybe it's hard for you to see it, but to me it is progress.
And, as Rookie indicated, you keep on coming here and posting and face the fact that you need the support and encouragement.

So, what happened over that last period? Of course you've a lot of stress to handle with your brothers heart attack. But is there more?

Keep strong my friend,

We are all rooting for you!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 07, 2020, 12:37:24 AM
Day 0
Yes Shade and Rook,  I do need support and encouragement.
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.
There's no concrete reason (my brother's on the mend, thanks).  I'm physically and financially ok.
My emotions are befuddled badly.
I'm not sure if it is a cause or effect of all this relapsing.
What do you guys think would be a good way to kinda start from scratch?  I need to go back to square one.
I hope you guys are well. You're something special in the truest sense of the word.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 07, 2020, 02:40:25 AM
Hi Mr S,
If I was giving advice to myself in these circumstances, the first thing I'd advise is to get on here every day, preferably at the start of the day to:
- connect with others, show interest and receive support, thereby:
- boosting self esteem (I'm doing something positive and helping others)
- getting inspiration and tips from reading others journals.
- get your emotions off your chest and out here, shine a dissolving light on that shame - be expressive about what you're feeling, when and how temptations are arising etc (I'm sure you'll get plenty of practical suggestions and a lot of understanding)
- starting the day with a healthy habit and good intent.
For me, it's the opportunity to get my head in the right space and recommit my day to the cause.
Sometimes also a 'jolt' in terms of committing to a routine helps reset the brain.
Why not commit to yourself to the next 10 days, and see what happens to your average? My money says it will improve.
Good luck my friend.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: workinprogressUK on July 07, 2020, 06:21:45 AM
Day 0
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.

This is offered with best intentions, Slurps. I really value your enthusiasm and positivity, and I really want you to succeed. I wonder whether you are "relapsing", so much as not getting into the cycle of change in the first place? If you're using every other day, I wonder if you may still be in the Preparation phase, which is still a positive place to be, but is just at a different stage in the cycle, and supposedly has a different balance of motivators between pros and cons, to the Maintenance phase? You may already have had a look at the Transtheoretical Model of Change, by Prochaska and DiClemente? The diagram accessed via this link tells the story well. If you are still in "Prep" and trying to make some changes without them sticking, it's supposedly better to focus your motivation on the negative aspects of using P, rather than the positive aspects of life on the other side.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/1a/93/4e1a930ef8a88c18a2cfd7ec5e258309.jpg

As they say in therapy... "these are just my thoughts... and you do not have to do anything with them". I'm not in any way diminishing your effort or struggle or challenges. I just wonder whether it might be worth taking a step back?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Leonidas on July 07, 2020, 10:53:32 AM
What do you guys think would be a good way to kinda start from scratch?  I need to go back to square one.
Two things here:
First, ask yourself what specifically do you want to start over from scratch.  What meaning is behind this... the kind of work you do, the city you live in, the friends you have... what, more precisely?  And why do you want the change?  Just to stop relapsing or because there is something else that you feel is pushing you in that direction?

Second: why ask us?  For all the advice we can give you, it won't really matter... because we only bring external ideas.  For an idea to really move you, it needs to breed from within.

To share a personal example: say I feel like volunteering somewhere but do not know where.. then I would just aim for a kind of organization that is into phone support lines or soup kitchens, choose one that is kind of close to where I live and not worry how long my stint will last there.  That would be one tiny change.  Then I might add another idea, like hiking once a month in the mountains.  Tiny insignificant changes over time can dramatically change a life.  The secret is TIME... invested in small simple ideas that make you feel good.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 07, 2020, 12:05:06 PM
This is great insight WIP. Really helpful for me - especially the linked graphic. Thanks for sharing.
Day 0
I am relapsing a lot, about every other day.

This is offered with best intentions, Slurps. I really value your enthusiasm and positivity, and I really want you to succeed. I wonder whether you are "relapsing", so much as not getting into the cycle of change in the first place? If you're using every other day, I wonder if you may still be in the Preparation phase, which is still a positive place to be, but is just at a different stage in the cycle, and supposedly has a different balance of motivators between pros and cons, to the Maintenance phase? You may already have had a look at the Transtheoretical Model of Change, by Prochaska and DiClemente? The diagram accessed via this link tells the story well. If you are still in "Prep" and trying to make some changes without them sticking, it's supposedly better to focus your motivation on the negative aspects of using P, rather than the positive aspects of life on the other side.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/1a/93/4e1a930ef8a88c18a2cfd7ec5e258309.jpg

As they say in therapy... "these are just my thoughts... and you do not have to do anything with them". I'm not in any way diminishing your effort or struggle or challenges. I just wonder whether it might be worth taking a step back?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 11, 2020, 06:21:01 AM
What's happening Mr S? We're all missing you here. I hope you're not slouched in that 'comfy chair'!!?
Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes from Blighty.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 11, 2020, 01:54:16 PM
Hey Mr.Slurpie, how are you doing my friend? As you can see we are missing you on here. Please let us know how you are doing!

And thanks for that very insightful schematic about the stages of change WIPUK, i really love it.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on July 13, 2020, 07:38:21 AM
Mr. S, you still with us bro? No shame in coming on just to give a report on the progress, or relapse. I can tell you, that if you avoid posting, due to shame and relapsing, it WILL extend the relapse sessions. I tell you this from experience. Then it took me about a year to come back. Please don't fall into that trap.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 13, 2020, 12:12:41 PM
Hi Guys, Day 1.  Thanks for the unwavering support, god (or the universe, buddha...) knows I need it.
The advice re coming here first thing after breakfast may be a good habit to try to initiate.
Also the idea of making an effort, however small, to help others resonates w/ me.
As far as the learning/cause, the best I can posit is that the isolation finally hit me bad. It is spreading in Az as fast as anywhere. We've all been living w/ this for a long time but logic may not apply to emotions. It seems to have just struck me how painful this has become. (This could be a bunch of baloney but it's the best I can come up w/.)
Now that I've had a major relapse I do recognize I'm back in a different mind-set. It's disturbing b/c it is a form of delusion. Part of me is already telling me that it doesn't matter. It's not worth worrying about. It's just "who I am."
The power of this addiction to create delusion is absolutely astounding. I hate feeling fear but I do.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on July 13, 2020, 12:44:13 PM
Welcome back friend!!!
Baby steps. If I can give a small piece of advice. Not sure if it will make any sense though.
Break your day down in 1 hr segments. However, don't count them as "ok, one hour done, next hour, next hour, next hour...". That will just drive your anxiety up to fall into another relapse. It's like someone going to bed at 2 am, knowing they have to wake up at 6 am...their anxiety of having to wake up in 4 hrs, keeps them from sleeping.

But if you break down your day in 1 hour victories...only look at your watch occasionally, but mark each hour as a victory, before you know it, you have a day done.

And as far as the virus goes...some governors, (Arizona seems to be a bad one, one of my favorite preachers is from Minden) my favorite preacher mentioned that a governor there was severely over reaching. Closing down churches, restricting gatherings...that has a HUGE impact one some people's mental stability.

Really hoping you get through bro.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 13, 2020, 01:26:52 PM
Great to see you back in the saddle Mr S and thanks for your kind words on my journal. Looking forward to having you back around again striving for success with us all.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Joel on July 13, 2020, 03:35:48 PM
It's disturbing b/c it is a form of delusion. Part of me is already telling me that it doesn't matter. It's not worth worrying about. It's just "who I am."
The power of this addiction to create delusion is absolutely astounding. I hate feeling fear but I do.

I've been an utter victim of this for years. You have to start having that truth ready to speak back to your addict. 'This is serious, it's why I'm on a forum sounding desperate with a lot of other guys sounded just as desperate.' Come here and read yours and other entries. Yeah, doesn't work like a charm cos it still gets me, but you have to start talking back to the inner child. It will eventually take (he said). well done for getting back in the saddle.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 14, 2020, 11:48:26 AM
Hi Guys,  Day #1.   Joel you're right this is serious. I need to remember that I need to be sincere.
I'm so into my own befuddled head right now these posts sound dreary even to myself. So, I won't be offended in the least if you skim or skip them.
My dilemma is between complacency and crapping on myself.
If I beat the crap out of myself after I relapse (a lot lately), I may end up not posting/reading here. You guys are about all the positive reinforcement I have in this long walk. The face I'm seeing in the mirror lately is not a happy Mr. Slurps. Even a forced smile is good therapy at this point.
But complacency is my slippery slope into the slimy muck. How to be cheerfully vigilant but not complacent, didn't Hamlet say that? lol
UK, Can you give an example of "failing better" for dummies (me)?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 14, 2020, 01:14:38 PM
Hi Mr S,
For me ‘failing better’ is taking something from each relapse - identifying a learning, something to work on and strive to improve for next time - closing a loophole if you will. Constantly improving. It could be the identification of an emotional trigger, or an enhancement of the practical elements of your plan. As part of this process, perhaps documenting these learnings so they are not lost (maybe here?). Share them with others who can perhaps relate to them - building on them, or taking a learning for themself (perhaps something you’ve noticed in yourself that they haven’t detected in themselves, but you help them see).
If I was to offer an observation regarding your approach (hopefully I have your permission or forgiveness), you seem to be stuck in a bit of a cycle in terms of your dialogue here - you come with humility and determination (although the latter appears to be often undermined by negative self talk), you hang around for a while and have some good exchanges with the guys which we appreciate (you are a popular guy here in case you didn’t know), you give encouragement (but usually alongside more negative self talk or self deprecating humour about yourself) and then you go off radar for a while as you experience a tough period and relapse. The cycle then starts again. Other than the chat we one had about the comfy chair, and understanding a little bit about some of the pressures that you are dealing with, I never feel I understand what happened with the relapse, what your learnings were from that particular slip, how you are improving for next time. What I don’t know is if you are identifying these and choosing not to share them (which is completely fine) or if you’re just skipping that step and missing those learnings completely in which case you are perhaps just failing, rather than ‘failing better’. I hope this makes sense and it is received with the positive intent that I wrote it. Take care my friend, and let me know what you think.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 15, 2020, 04:47:57 PM
How are you doing Mr S? I am hoping that my last comments weren’t too direct, and that you are well. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 16, 2020, 11:35:53 AM
Hi Guys, Today is #3. I can still salvage a .500 average for the month, or better.
As far as failing better, I'm not doing the hard work to do that.
As alcoholics call it, I'm engaging in "stinking thinking". 
Maybe my banter is a mask or maybe it's just me. I don't know.
I know it's not nice to use this forum as a kind of general chat room. It's not fair to you guys.
But please indulge me for a while, even if I'm off track so I at least show my pretty face. (lol there I go again.)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 17, 2020, 04:21:16 AM
Well done on day 3 Mr S.
As for the 'failing better' you're smart enough to know what's right for you and when. I just think its like learning any skill - you need to know where you're going right (and do more of that) and where you're going wrong (and do less of that). The challenge is that it's not like baseball where a coach can watch and identify for you - with PMO, we have to look at our own 'swing' and work out where things need tweaking. We can read here about what works for others, but ultimately only we ourselves can diagnose what we need to do, and I think we do need to look inside ourselves a little to do that. Referring back to the exchange on my page, it's probably more the Joel approach than the Slurps/UKGuy approach for this one.
Anyway - we enjoy your banter and company, so don't ever feel the need to excuse that! Take care and good luck for day 4.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 17, 2020, 11:28:44 AM
Day #1.  Thanks UK.  It's nice (truly) to feel welcome here no matter the lousy performance.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: addictnomore on July 19, 2020, 09:23:58 AM
The residual images of porn are still running through my head so I'm in dangerous territory.

That's one of the difficult things. I have 35 year catalog of porn in my brain. Even when I'm not watching, I can recall scenes that bring a bit of that dopamine rush back. And then I want to see that actual scene again. Kind of like virtual PMO.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Georgos on July 19, 2020, 09:49:14 AM
My biggest fear is divorce. I've seen the pain of childbirth in my ears and I know it leads to depression even if you work hard and then exile :(
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Georgos on July 19, 2020, 09:55:33 AM
I'm not married by the way.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 19, 2020, 02:15:49 PM
Hi Georg, Thanks for your fresh perspective.  You may be on a different cosmic level than me. Divorce without marriage... hmmm. On the other hand, Buddhists have birth without death.
Day #2 hopefully.
Addi, I know what you mean re replaying films.  I'm trying now a different approach for a while, m/o but no p.  The problem is that I don't have a partner/no emotional element. Plus, I do have images in my mind so it's subliminal porn.
But being completely w/out o makes me horny a lot. So, maybe I can eliminate that trigger in order to concentrate on ridding myself of porn.  I figure it's worth a try.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 19, 2020, 04:04:43 PM
I'm trying now a different approach for a while, m/o but no p.
I think this is an interesting approach Mr S. I have tried it in the past to varying levels of success. I absolutely know that I couldn't have clocked up 106 days without the release from sex with my wife, and I of course appreciate that not everyone has that option.
The problem I had in the past when pursuing the MO approach is that I actually preferred the marathon dopamine edging sessions to a quick MO, but on the occasions where I had the discipline to just quickly 'get it over with' it did serve its purpose and gave me back hours of my life that would have otherwise gone down the drain.
Definitely worth I try I'd say. Good luck. Stay away from the comfy chair - do it somewhere that you won't want to get settled (and don't take the phone with you! lol)
Have a good week.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on July 19, 2020, 08:35:43 PM
The only suggestion I have for this...shower...that's it (Not sure I'm right, like I said, it's only a suggestion, and I don't have any others). It's about the only place you can't bring a phone with you, the only problem is, you risk edging. However, if this is the baby step needed to quit, as UKGuy said...I support it.

I will also admit, without my wife's "help" for release, I may have reached my streak, I may not have. I can confirm, it would have brought the challenge to a whole new level.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on July 22, 2020, 11:20:13 AM
How goes it in Arizona Mr S?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 24, 2020, 04:27:54 PM
Hey Buddy, how are you doing? Can you let us know how you are doing?


Keep strong my friend
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 28, 2020, 04:52:09 PM
Hey Guys,  I've been stuck on Day #1 for a full week.
All my good intentions have come to naught.
The struggles are a distant memory.  I'm not sure if even a sliver of hope remains. (re rebooting, thankfully my life is chugging along just fine)
I've been remiss re contributing/logging my progress- b/c there's been no progress. Unless scar tissue can be considered progress.
If some body broke a 2x4 over my thick skull and gave me a gash, is the scar any use at all? It is ugly to look at. It is a visible reminder of defeat.
That's where my head is at (metaphorically lol.)
I've entered the ring, fought a few rounds, got knocked out of the ring w/ a gash above my eye, gone home, healed...
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: TheNorman on July 29, 2020, 09:39:15 AM
You've entered the ring Slurps, that's something a lot of people are too afraid to do. Don't lose hope. If it feels like you can't get through a day then work on getting through past lunch first. In the boxing analogy, you might feel outclassed, you might feel like you don't have the speed or the punching power to even compete, but just get back in the ring and move! Dodge, wrap up, run away even! In this fight you don't have to knock porn out in 30 seconds like Mike Tyson did back in the day, you just need to win, even if it's by decision, even if the first 5 rounds were you running away.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on July 29, 2020, 11:09:48 AM
A good friend of mine preached a very good sermon the other day. I'm going to illustrate it here, in perspective to our struggles with PMO...

A guy that walks in the direction of North (pretty generic). And while he's walking, he stumbles, trips...a few more steps, runs into a wild animal, retreats back, then avoids the animal. Pushes back north, glances south, very often, a few more steps...and this goes on, and on, and on...

Looking from over head, from a bird's eye view as they say, the guy only did 5 miles in 30 days...most people can accomplish that in a hour if they walk at a half decent clip.

Here's the point, it was still 5 miles. There were a bunch of twists, turns, trips, set backs, animals to run from, many glances to the south to get that last fix...sometimes, the glances were for a few seconds, sometimes for a few minutes, and sometimes for hours.

But at the end of the month, he got 5 miles in...Next month, he got another 5.5 miles...but from the bird's eye view, there's no mistake, he's going north, not fast, but he's going.

Same holds true here. I don't care how many times you relapse, even if you're batting .300 (in the majors, that's a hell of a paycheque).

Keep posting Mr. S....keep posting, If that's the ONLY thing that gives you encouragement, is too see our responses, I'm sure some of us can post a bit more often. I know my life has been beyond crazy and busy, but I can make a bit more effort...
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 30, 2020, 01:24:50 AM
Hi Guys,  Finally made 1 full day w/ no pmo!  I may as well celebrate this little victory. Rook I love that going North metaphor. I can latch onto it b/c that is how this journey's really been. Very little progress but at least I've experienced how good it feels to gain some momentum. And the flip side of how easy it is to do a nose dive.
Because I got 1 day clean, I taste a bit of optimism finally.
There was a nose dive and a crash but I doubt I burned.  I may be able to patch the bruised fuselage and wings. Then I'll give the prop a spin and see if the engine starts, taxi down the runway and... (I like this metaphor as much as the boxing one. Maybe we'll use a British Spitfire to make UK proud. All sorts of possibilities... the Blitz!)  See a little twinge of optimism has Mr. Slurp getting weird again. lol
TheNorm, thanks for your help. I've definitely had the tar beat out of me lately. This month sucked.
I'm heading to Vermont for 8 days w/ family on a lake. Birthday 8/1 (I'll be 61) and looking forward to relaxing, swimming and kayaking. I really really need a better August.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on July 30, 2020, 04:28:35 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps buddy,

I'm glad to read you have a full day in the pocket again. Why don't you indeed take it slow, one day at a time. Babysteps and then after a certain amount of days evaluate and start looking a little broader and farther.

The time away with Family sounds like a really nice trip Mr.Slurps. Enjoy it!

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on July 30, 2020, 06:25:55 PM
Hi guys,   Shade, I'm going to take it slow and for the next 8 days do as little as possible.  I've been informed from above that the world will survive without my tinkering and trying to improve it.
I'm seeing a positive side to this failure/blindness I've experienced for 40 years.
All the shame and emotional baggage, the wrecked relationships, broken trust, wasted time... (I could go on but I'm already depressing myself. lol) What could ever be positive re that pile of crap?
Self forgiveness and wisdom.  That's the hidden blessing. It is also what is wonderful re this forum. We can share our crap.  We're all damaged goods- every one of us. (And that's good.)
Anyhow, I'm not going to lose the forest for the trees. (Did I get that backwards? hahaha) Beating this addiction is the goal and it is a virtuous goal. Freedom!

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on August 01, 2020, 06:20:59 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR SLURPS!                                                               HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR SLURPS!

Enjoy Vermont and take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 01, 2020, 07:54:29 AM
Happy birthday Mr.Slurps!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 10, 2020, 01:53:35 PM
Hey Buddy, how are you doing? How was the trip with family to celebrate your birthday???
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 16, 2020, 11:06:56 PM
Hi Guys,  Day #0.  I had a good time with friends and family in Vermont. Swimming, hiking, kayaking, biking, visiting old friends... Then Mr. Slurp forgot he is not 17 anymore. I used to be a fine water skier- barefoot, girls on my shoulders, jumping ramps, slalom courses... Long story short... I've been recovering for a week from a pulled hamstring and side muscle. hahaha When it comes to lack of common sense I take the cake.
The same is true of my pmo struggle. It is wounded and weak. It's a sliver of hope that brings me back. Plus I'm a s.o.b. that hates to lose.
It started with getting back on a dating site. That has been a stumbling block for ages. It brings up thoughts and thoughts lead eventually to pmo.
I have literally missed you guys. That sounds a little freaky given I've never laid eyes on one of you.
It is a special place indeed where I can say I'm broken and I know that's okay--we all are.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on August 17, 2020, 05:12:18 AM
Hi Mr S,
Great that you had a good holiday and sorry about to hear about your 'hammy'. Good also that you're back online here again. A sliver of hope is all you need to build on.
The one thing you said that I felt compelled to comment on was that you are broken.
Trust me - there's much more right with you than wrong, and even if you are (or an element of you) is broken to some extent, it is entirely fixable. Please don't lose sight of that. Declaring oneself as broken is fine if its the first step to a comprehensive repair job, but not helpful if it is viewed as a perpetual state of being. Think of yourself as pieces of a ming vase. All that is needed is time, dedication and skill (plus a tube of superglue) to turn yourself into a beautiful work of art.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 19, 2020, 12:27:17 AM
Hiya UK,   Thanks for your prescient words.  (They also feel heartfelt.) 
Today is Day #2. I'm not very hopeful re my odds of success.  One good thing is that I've stayed off hardcore p and "only" relapse lately w/ written stuff.  (Most of it is objectively crap, not even good writing but it's what I've resorted to.)
Maybe that in itself can provide me a glimmer of hope.  I've relapsed and relapsed and relapsed.... but not quite to where I was, not even close.
Maybe saying "broken" was a bit melodramatic of me. When I'm feeling low incredible junk comes out of my head. 
There is a lot in my life to be grateful for and I'm trying to keep that in perspective.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on August 19, 2020, 12:49:22 PM
Great to read that Mr S. Life isn't always binary - PMO or don't PMO. If you're doing less of less bad stuff, that's progress. I think it's certainly a healthier mindset to have gratitude and congratulate yourself for your hard fought improvements than to berate yourself for the perceived failures. That lifts your whole perspective, self worth, and makes ongoing further improvement more likely. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 19, 2020, 05:47:02 PM
Two days under my belt.  (I hate that expression. lol)  Hoping for a bonafide streak. 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on August 19, 2020, 11:19:47 PM
I think you're beating yourself up too much on it. Some on this board were addicted to some crazy things that most of us might find repulsive. Others, (myself) stuck to vanilla for 20 + yrs...everything is an addiction. But in a sense I would count it progress if someone that was addicted to "bondage" now has gotten away from it, and is now "just" fighting vanilla.
Same as myself, it was always just 1 guy and 1 girl...I would count it progress if I downgraded to still images for a bit...till I have the strength to only go to written stories.

Some can do cold turkey (I thank the Lord for this), and some can't. Some have to cut down, and it might take longer, either way...if you have to cut out some of the stuff you were watching / indulging in...go for less hardcore. I doubt ANYONE here will berate you for that, seeing the struggles you are going through, if you took this from a different angle.

Like I said about myself, I got to a point of extreme anxiety (things related but not really to porn) for about 2 months. That's that gave me a head start. If it wasn't for that, I would still be indulging.

So, decide for yourself, what you "were" addicted to, that got you off...and tone down a notch or 2...otherwise, you're just going to go in a tail spin and lose courage.

However!!! If you go with the suggestion I gave above, you will risk falling back. So I would also suggest some serious goals and timelines for improvement.

For instance, most people that start at the gym, want to look like the cover of a magazine in the first workout...that won't happen. So, instead, small goals that are non negotiable and fight to get it. So I would suggest daily goals, if you can't get 3 days without relapse...well on the 3rd day, set a time limit (obviously much shorter than what you typically do, purely for the relief, and not the rush). Then, 3 days later, relief. And whatever you're viewing, tone that down as well. If it's simply action on the screen, move to still images and tell yourself, "I'm never going to bead this if I don't at least change the habit".

Then, for this goal, set yourself, say 2 weeks. Then, after the 2 weeks, check your progress and your resistance. Now, can you do 5 days of the same routine? Or even 10 days? If it's 5, now can you move away from still images to written content?

Unfortunately, this battle might not be a cold turkey one for you like it has been for some of us. We also can't forget, some of us have the help of a spouse...you quitting this, might be like someone on needle drugs that has to wean himself off, a little bit at a time, with a strict discipline. Otherwise, you'll never get out.

I personally vote for the cold turkey. Cutting off all apps on the phone and only logging on the PC for banking, business and this forum. And movies...I even cut off cartoons in the first couple of months due to the extreme beauty of women in those things.

But, not everyone's journey is the same. Keep in mind, NO ONE here is leaving your corner, but you have to keep the gloves on, we can't swing for you.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 20, 2020, 04:11:47 PM
Hi Rook,  That was a big help. I know cold-turkey is best. Today is Day #4.
It does feel like I'm grasping at straws when I'm cutting back to less and less hardcore. It's probably not even a good strategy.
But by doing something, anything, I can tell myself honestly I've not given up completely.
It is like hoping for a miracle where the chances are one in a million that I'll reboot.
Then I say to myself, "Mr. Slurp, look what you're doing right now. You're chatting with people that care about you and share the same issues. One year ago this opportunity would have seemed like a one in a million miracle."
So, I hope lightning (like you guys) hits twice and something or some revelation drops onto my head and helps.  As they say in France junosequa (you never know). Sorry to any French guys. lol
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on August 20, 2020, 11:14:14 PM
Hi Rook,  That was a big help. I know cold-turkey is best. Today is Day #4.
It does feel like I'm grasping at straws when I'm cutting back to less and less hardcore. It's probably not even a good strategy.
But by doing something, anything, I can tell myself honestly I've not given up completely.
It is like hoping for a miracle where the chances are one in a million that I'll reboot.
Then I say to myself, "Mr. Slurp, look what you're doing right now. You're chatting with people that care about you and share the same issues. One year ago this opportunity would have seemed like a one in a million miracle."
So, I hope lightning (like you guys) hits twice and something or some revelation drops onto my head and helps.  As they say in France junosequa (you never know). Sorry to any French guys. lol

Glad to hear my little "rant" helped. And just a heads up, junosequa, is actually Jenesaisquoi (Je ne sais quoi), which directly translated, is "I don't know what"....Yes, I'm born and raised French, lol. Your expression nailed it, just needed a bit of spell check. I piss off my wife and friends often, they call me a grammar Nazi...lol.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 21, 2020, 01:52:08 AM



Hey Mr Slurps,

I second what rookie said with the addition to point out that it's 4 days already. Also, you speak of hoping lightning will hit twice, but might i offer another approach on 'hope'

Replace hope by trust: hope and fear are grown from the impression that you are missing something. They grow from a feeling of shortcoming. Contrary to popular belief, hope does not live but prevents living. Hoping is plunging yourself in an imaginary future and so not engaging in the only thing that really matters; the now.

Hope is build from fear, absence of hope leads to trust. I know, its a bit hard to read and it might be a slap in the face (it was for me the first time i read about this) but ultimately this concept helped me in facing my fears!

Anyway, you are already actively putting effort into not being addicted anymore, you are not hoping for it.


Good luck buddy, I am rooting for you

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 21, 2020, 05:46:11 PM
Day #5.  Hi guys,  Shade, I'm so glad you showed up.  I've been thinking re you and your loyalty and courage. We should re-name you, "Mr. Amazing grace".  I once was lost but now I'm...
You've been a good pal and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Plus, Shade you may be a mystic.  I was just thinking re fear... That definitely pervades this crappy addiction. The flip-side of fear (hope) probably isn't much help, at least in my case. That is because I have relapses and they disappoint me. That starts the old vicious circle ending in relapse.
The Buddhists have a lot of wisdom when it comes to this stuff (present moment mindfulness...). I've been doing meditation and it does help.(UK is my guru. lol)
 I'll try to use that instead of my usual metaphor of the boxing match.
Dear Senor Rook, your "rant" felt pretty deep to me. Plus I'm forever indebted to you for the French lesson. I'm restraining myself from making more wise-ass comments.
Thanks guys

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on August 21, 2020, 11:19:09 PM
Day #5.  Hi guys,  Shade, I'm so glad you showed up.  I've been thinking re you and your loyalty and courage. We should re-name you, "Mr. Amazing grace".  I once was lost but now I'm...
You've been a good pal and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that.
Plus, Shade you may be a mystic.  I was just thinking re fear... That definitely pervades this crappy addiction. The flip-side of fear (hope) probably isn't much help, at least in my case. That is because I have relapses and they disappoint me. That starts the old vicious circle ending in relapse.
The Buddhists have a lot of wisdom when it comes to this stuff (present moment mindfulness...). I've been doing meditation and it does help.(UK is my guru. lol)
 I'll try to use that instead of my usual metaphor of the boxing match.
Dear Senor Rook, your "rant" felt pretty deep to me. Plus I'm forever indebted to you for the French lesson. I'm restraining myself from making more wise-ass comments.
Thanks guys

We're all here to help you Mr. S...obviously, we can't fight it for you. However, many of us at our age, bring different angles of wisdom and advice. Some of us are in sales, accounting, management, labor, janitors...and we all bring a different perspective to life and jobs. That's what makes this forum so great. We'll all think of idea to help a struggling brother, hoping it's going to be an angle they never thought of.

I'm not throwing the towel in your ring yet bro. You DID prove at the start of this fight that you could get some streaks going...it's just to find that fighter in you again.

Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 23, 2020, 01:18:37 AM
Day #0
This relapse was definitely related to my physical state (hung over and not enough sleep) and thereby being thrown off routine/equilibrium.
Now it remains to re-build and not get too disappointed.  I had 6 days and now I'll try again. 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on August 23, 2020, 04:08:55 AM
Well done on immediately identifying the triggers Mr S. I guess the question is that next time one or more of those factors comes into play (tired, hungover), what can you do differently to change the outcome?
Take pride in your 6 days - that is a solid achievement, and more bricks in your foundation, particularly if you can extract all of the learning whilst fresh in your mind.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 24, 2020, 01:21:19 AM
Day # 0.   Hi Guys,   Warning.  This post is unfair and probably arrogant. I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer.
That's how I feel, clobbered and scared.  I'm even thinking of putting those awful words on myself like perv, weirdo, pathetic...
So, I'm asking this in sincerity, not voyeurism/entertainment. And please don't answer if you don't think it will help me or anyone else.
When you were feeling lost, dejected, hopeless, and empty after repeated relapses. What was the best and/or worst thing you've done? (This doesn't have to be an intentional action. It may be subconscious and only understood in retrospect.)
Again, I know this isn't being fair to you guys.  It's just that I'm feeling desperate.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 24, 2020, 01:51:11 AM
This is just a true journal entry. It is a rambling story that is peripherally related to reboot/pmo.
About 11 years ago my ex and I were in the divorce process. She read, copied and gave to her lawyer certain passages from my journals. They were humiliating although not vicious or insulting. It was out of meanness b/c it couldn't help her in an uncontested divorce.
The breach of trust (among others) was painful and stuck with me. But I've continued to journal and value it greatly. Instead of the real words I would always say "surf the net" or "waste time" and other euphemisms. It is arrogant because it assumes some body would want to read it and care. Probably there was some subconscious taint from my ex.
So, to answer my own question above, probably the best thing I did was get honest with myself and write down the words "porn addiction" many times. I stopped fudging it. This was at a very low point like now.
Maybe this can be an anchor for me to stick this out.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on August 24, 2020, 07:07:45 AM
Day # 0.   Hi Guys,   Warning.  This post is unfair and probably arrogant. I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer.
That's how I feel, clobbered and scared.  I'm even thinking of putting those awful words on myself like perv, weirdo, pathetic...
So, I'm asking this in sincerity, not voyeurism/entertainment. And please don't answer if you don't think it will help me or anyone else.
When you were feeling lost, dejected, hopeless, and empty after repeated relapses. What was the best and/or worst thing you've done? (This doesn't have to be an intentional action. It may be subconscious and only understood in retrospect.)
Again, I know this isn't being fair to you guys.  It's just that I'm feeling desperate.

I refused to let porn addiction define me. While yes, I'm a recovering addict, it doesn't define me. Same as a cancer patient we'll call "Bob". Bob has cancer, cancer doesn't have Bob. Cancer isn't the one married, doesn't have children, doesn't have a job, hobbies....cancer may be an unfortunate part of Bob, but Bob is still his own person.

Same as some people with diabetes 2...we call them diabetic...I see that as a wrong term. If they watch their diet and exercise, they can beat it. I know a few people that did. So they are people "with" diabetes"...

Same goes for this Mr. S...you are NOT "porn" or whatever you want to put here. You are a Mr. that is struggling with it, so you need a "diet", "exercise", and "discipline". Eventually, you will beat your diabetes.

It's going to take a lot of work and discipline to ignore the lies and to tell them to pound sand. And just because you get invited to a party in the midst of your fight, and you have a piece of cake, doesn't mean you're heading south (to refer back to my illustration of a few weeks ago), it means you took a break (whether you should have or not, not my call to judge), then pack up your tent, and keep moving north.

I have NEVER heard of someone getting diabetes with just one slice of cake. They got it by eating the entire cake, every day,for months. Then if they quit cake, and go keto, they can reduce their insulin resistance and kick diabetes to the curb. Discipline, is key.

You have to look at the end goal, not the frequent failures.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on August 24, 2020, 08:36:03 AM
Bang on Rookie. Wise words.
Mr S - the incident with the journal must have been very painful for you and I can sense it still is.
As for my 'low point' - I am a worrier, a catastrophiser. Big time. The outside world wouldn't know but my wife knows and so do I. 9 years ago, we were living in Sydney. I had just started to explore the world of 'interactive' porn - in that I was communicating with others for the first time rather than just looking at pics/vids. Not necessarily chat, but messaging and responding to pictures posted by willing 3rd parties on amateur sites. One woman captivated me - I can't even remember what I did/said/sent now (honestly), but whatever it was, I became obsessed with the thought that I would somehow get into trouble for obscene communications. Of course I wouldn't (not least because what I did wasn't illegal, plus I now know that there are millions of 'dick pix' etc flying around the internet each hour of the day.) But the thought took root, and I became terrified that there would be consequences and even a visit from the police. Whilst this seems utterly ridiculous to write now, it was very real. To make matters worse, I was flying back to the UK to meet some friends for a big soccer game - first time my team had been in the FA Cup final for 30 years. What should have been a brilliant trip was utterly dominated by my rapidly increasing fear and paranoia, mixed with guilt and shame....but mostly the fear (of being found out). I'd also drunk a fair bit of alcohol throughout the trip, which didn't help, and I got to the point where I was completely frozen with worry, stress, anxiety etc. So what did I do?...I called my wife in Aus from the UK and confessed all. Problem solved (albeit somewhat selfishly). To be fair, she was brilliant (as she always is), but of course I still occasionally remember what happened and immediately feel that pang of embarrassment and humiliation - about my act, about my inability to deal with it, about how daft it seems now. It may be that you feel a similar way when you think back about what was exposed in that diary. Perhaps an added pain is that your situation was actually worse as it was born out of malice on the part of your wife, but as Rookie says...those words in the journal, whatever they were weren't YOU...they reflected an aspect of you, and I assume that they were written in a way that reflected your desire to improve that aspect of your life? Even though my wife forgave me and had immediate perspective, I had to forgive and accept myself (including for the many other occasions afterwards where the behaviour was repeated and became normalised for me).
You say "I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer." Let's assume this is true for the moment (I don't think the last part is, incidentally). Why do we indulge Mr Slurps? Well I can't speak for others, but I can speak for myself....
I believe in you. You are authentic. You have humility. You are a good man. (Plus you are smart and funny) I am willing to invest in you because I believe that even though the outcome is not guaranteed, there is a kernal of potential inside Mr Slurps and even though I've never met you, and most probably never will, seeing that kernal spark into life and become an unstoppably force of growth within you would make me very, very satisfied. In short, you are worth it. What you need to do now is start to believe that yourself, and learn to give yourself that caring that you currently withhold from yourself. Re-read Rookie's words. You are not porn, you are not those pages of your journal, you are not your past mistakes. Don't let them define you and limit your potential and happiness. That, if it happens, is a choice. Your choice. Choose better. You deserve it my friend.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on August 24, 2020, 11:27:43 PM
Bang on Rookie. Wise words.
Mr S - the incident with the journal must have been very painful for you and I can sense it still is.
As for my 'low point' - I am a worrier, a catastrophiser. Big time. The outside world wouldn't know but my wife knows and so do I. 9 years ago, we were living in Sydney. I had just started to explore the world of 'interactive' porn - in that I was communicating with others for the first time rather than just looking at pics/vids. Not necessarily chat, but messaging and responding to pictures posted by willing 3rd parties on amateur sites. One woman captivated me - I can't even remember what I did/said/sent now (honestly), but whatever it was, I became obsessed with the thought that I would somehow get into trouble for obscene communications. Of course I wouldn't (not least because what I did wasn't illegal, plus I now know that there are millions of 'dick pix' etc flying around the internet each hour of the day.) But the thought took root, and I became terrified that there would be consequences and even a visit from the police. Whilst this seems utterly ridiculous to write now, it was very real. To make matters worse, I was flying back to the UK to meet some friends for a big soccer game - first time my team had been in the FA Cup final for 30 years. What should have been a brilliant trip was utterly dominated by my rapidly increasing fear and paranoia, mixed with guilt and shame....but mostly the fear (of being found out). I'd also drunk a fair bit of alcohol throughout the trip, which didn't help, and I got to the point where I was completely frozen with worry, stress, anxiety etc. So what did I do?...I called my wife in Aus from the UK and confessed all. Problem solved (albeit somewhat selfishly). To be fair, she was brilliant (as she always is), but of course I still occasionally remember what happened and immediately feel that pang of embarrassment and humiliation - about my act, about my inability to deal with it, about how daft it seems now. It may be that you feel a similar way when you think back about what was exposed in that diary. Perhaps an added pain is that your situation was actually worse as it was born out of malice on the part of your wife, but as Rookie says...those words in the journal, whatever they were weren't YOU...they reflected an aspect of you, and I assume that they were written in a way that reflected your desire to improve that aspect of your life? Even though my wife forgave me and had immediate perspective, I had to forgive and accept myself (including for the many other occasions afterwards where the behaviour was repeated and became normalised for me).
You say "I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer." Let's assume this is true for the moment (I don't think the last part is, incidentally). Why do we indulge Mr Slurps? Well I can't speak for others, but I can speak for myself....
I believe in you. You are authentic. You have humility. You are a good man. (Plus you are smart and funny) I am willing to invest in you because I believe that even though the outcome is not guaranteed, there is a kernal of potential inside Mr Slurps and even though I've never met you, and most probably never will, seeing that kernal spark into life and become an unstoppably force of growth within you would make me very, very satisfied. In short, you are worth it. What you need to do now is start to believe that yourself, and learn to give yourself that caring that you currently withhold from yourself. Re-read Rookie's words. You are not porn, you are not those pages of your journal, you are not your past mistakes. Don't let them define you and limit your potential and happiness. That, if it happens, is a choice. Your choice. Choose better. You deserve it my friend.

I would have broken this down in a few paragraphs, lol
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 25, 2020, 06:04:07 AM
Hiya Rook, UK,  I got a day under my belt. Day #1.
You guys really came through for me.  I think I'll always remember your generosity.
For years I was on a cemetery committee. I know it sounds creepy but it's not.  After doing dozens of funerals:  helping the backhoe guy dig a straight hole, lower the crypt, set up around the grave, lower the casket, shovel the dirt, direct parking, etc., if you're not grieving it is almost enjoyable because you're helping others to pay respects, grieve, pray... And because it is volunteer we act with respect and don't throw cigarettes in the grave and talk during the service. (I could tell some funny stories but I won't.) 
Why did I go off on that?  It is said that that act of burying another is the greatest service because you can never be thanked for it. You guys reminded me of that by what you did.
You're right Rook, I'm not porn, there's lots more to me. I get caught up in that whirlwind of emotions- fear, disappointment, shame and frustration. Then I feel worthless.
What I'm trying to do is separate the actual addiction- unable to stop jerking off to porn- from the consequent emotions. This is a revelation for me.
When I look at the actual addiction minus all the negative emotions, it loses some of its teeth. Yeah there is still a slimy feeling because it's isolating and bad in our society, but it stops being horrific.
UK I think a lot of this is because I've been meditating. Those are negative emotions but by their very nature, they pass.
By not identifying myself as a porn addict, I am just a handsome guy that over-indulges in porn. The emotions are not "me" either. It's letting me shed some of the desperation that engenders the spiral down.
UK I feel bad that you were a tortured soul for a while. Probably a byproduct of porn addiction. I've been struggling to find something positive in my addiction but I haven't yet. (I think it may be not to judge myself or others harshly.) But with you I see a positive benefit. You've learned to trust/love another at a deeper level and have gained the courage to divulge despite shame.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on August 30, 2020, 02:37:53 PM
Hey Mr.Slurps it's been a while since we've heard from you? Hows things going over there?


Let us know buddy!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on August 31, 2020, 01:21:43 AM
Hi Shade,   Day #1.   I got another 6 day streak then relapsed for 2.  Looks like a pattern- drink Friday night, hung over, sleep late, get off rhythm, jerk off.
So I'm going to cut back to 2-3 glasses of wine and get to sleep earlier. 
Maybe if I can get a full week clean I can build on that.
How are you doing Shade?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Leonidas on August 31, 2020, 02:07:18 PM
I have an eerie feeling (cue in macabre soundtrack on damp October night...) that lack of sleep is more common a problem than we'd like to give it credit.  From a quick tally of my own observations, it seems that at least 90% of my relapses have come from a combo of sleeping past 1am and getting 6 hours or less of sleep.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: TheNorman on August 31, 2020, 04:28:52 PM
I agree Leonidas, I know for me sleep has been a huge factor in my recovery. I used to stay up until 1 or even 2 in the morning surfing the web mindlessly. I'd PMO at some point in there and still stay up, probably avoiding that time where I am alone with my thoughts and have to face the music. Now I go to bed (and read a bit too long) but I'm getting more sleep in general and it's so good for just about everything. My resolve, my focus, my body; all of it. Lack of sleep sets us up for a lot of trouble.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on September 06, 2020, 02:30:27 AM
Hi Leo and TheNorm,   You guys hit on something.
Day # 0.  Had 5 days clean, then as usual Friday I drink a bit too much and stay up late and Saturday I sleep in then relapse.  Of course there is always some extraneous thing to blame.  My date cancelled, my boss pissed me off...
And with Covid it's hard to just go sit and have a coffee (tea if you're a Brit lol).
So, I'm open to suggestions re what to do next Saturday.
I hope you all are well and fighting the good fight.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on September 06, 2020, 05:00:53 AM
Hey Bud,

I think I can be very simple and direct and say; Do not drink alcohol next Friday, sleep in a little but with an alarm clock and make plans for Saturday.

Good luck buddy! 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on September 14, 2020, 01:27:18 PM
Hey Buddy, how did your weekend go? Let us know please, we care  ;)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on September 18, 2020, 05:38:17 PM
Day #6* (no porn) Finally my hamstring and side muscles are healing. I hope you guys are well and kicking the living crap out of pmo.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on September 19, 2020, 02:04:11 PM
Slurps!!!! Great to hear that you have a 6 day streak!!! Don't let your guard down, and right now is the very crucial time to stay away from screens and monitors.

Read an actual paper book or something. Keep the fight!!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on September 19, 2020, 05:15:09 PM
Hiya Rook,  Today will be #7.  I've hung on by the skin of my teeth today. This threshold has been a "swing state" as they say in U.S. politics. It can easily go either way. Probably psychological b.s. (Every day is the same.)
This morning I reviewed my year (Rosh Hashanah) and among the many, many positives was this reboot adventure--unequivocally! Despite the numerous falls/relapses, I don't regret taking on this challenge. It's not been a waste of time.
Also, on a purely factual basis, I'm spending much less time on pmo.
Also, on a purely emotional basis, I've met some wonderful people like you, that have been here for me through thick and thin.  Thanks and I hope you're doing as well as you desire.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on September 20, 2020, 03:43:02 PM
Great to see you back Mr Slurps and that you have quietly been building a nice little streak in the background. It is very easy to focus on the failures in both life itself and this particular struggle, but as you say here you're spending much less time on PMO - how can that NOT be progress?!
You asked a question in my journal about MOing as an antidote to PMOing. I am sure some purists will take the view that it defers or at least slows the process of 'rebooting', but do you know what? - if it is an effective mechanism to stop you spending hours edging to P of chat or whatever, then it's got my vote. The one thing I would say - and this is based on my own experience of trying this technique in the past, is watch out for the low times, the times when your emotional balance is disturbed for whatever reason and you are drawn to self soothe with P as emotional escapism - in those times there will be a temptation to not MO (as that provides sexual release but not emotional escapism), but to lose yourself in P again for hours. That was certainly my experience but it doesn't nullify the rationale behind your approach in my mind.
Take care and have a good week.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on September 20, 2020, 06:45:50 PM
Day #8.  Hiya UK.  Your support means a lot to me. There is a distinction between release of sexual tension and emotional soothing. And I've recently got the two confused and gone into porn. So far so good.
I'm concerned that I'm really not excluding porn because some of those recollections definitely qualify.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on September 21, 2020, 09:35:20 AM
Hiya Rook,  Today will be #7.  I've hung on by the skin of my teeth today. This threshold has been a "swing state" as they say in U.S. politics. It can easily go either way. Probably psychological b.s. (Every day is the same.)
This morning I reviewed my year (Rosh Hashanah) and among the many, many positives was this reboot adventure--unequivocally! Despite the numerous falls/relapses, I don't regret taking on this challenge. It's not been a waste of time.
Also, on a purely factual basis, I'm spending much less time on pmo.
Also, on a purely emotional basis, I've met some wonderful people like you, that have been here for me through thick and thin.  Thanks and I hope you're doing as well as you desire.

I have passed the 6 months threshold. I will admit, there is still some temptation, and seems youtube knows this, and has loaded a bunch of runways with bikinis. And on my FB feed, wish is advertising sex dolls...what the actual hell!!!

A guy tries to make is live PMO free and see women as people, not as objects and that crap shows up...the evil is strong.

Glad to hear you have 8 days in!!! HUGE progress!!! Most people say it's between the 5 and 15 days that are the toughest. You're over halfway there bro. Unless you need the computer for work, this is when walking away from the electronics devices aside posting progress, will be hugely beneficial for you. Not judging, just giving some advice to keep the streak going.

Reading these recent replies has been a big encouragement for many of us I'm sure. Looking forward to the next post, heading north!!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on September 22, 2020, 12:48:16 AM
Hi Guys, Day #9 no porn.  I'm worried b/c my memories/images that I use are not loving relationship sex. They are border-line pornographic. So it's a small step to sitting in front of a screen for 4 hours.
That said, I've spent less than 1/2 hour jerking off in 9 days. I can't remember when that happened last. It actually feels good to jerk off without any shame like we all did in high school.
Rook, you're right about the 5-15 day test. Since I'm not in a relationship that's when horniness would grab hold. This is where I envy you married guys' outlet even though I know you pay a price with patience, vulnerability and putting up w/ your wife's headaches.lol
You are not crapping around Rook! This stuff is in your face whether you look for it or not. I watched a vanilla movie on youtube re crime/law/romance- usual malarkey. Out of nowhere comes a scene I won't repeat b/c it was a huge trigger for me. I wanted to punch the screen!
Six months Rook, you are a stud-muffin. hahaha
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on September 22, 2020, 11:43:36 AM
Thanks for your kind words on my forum Mr S. Ref your question about my swagger - no, I've not got it back, but I am happy with that state of affairs - I'm going with a more grounded style which is less target focussed and more moment focussed (in keeping with my meditative philosophy!) It's working well. When I mess up from time to time, there's no big ego crash to deal with. Day 10 I believe? Well done. It seems like you're on a real roll...long may it continue my Yankee chum!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: LetItGoAlready on September 22, 2020, 07:32:23 PM
Congrats to you, Mr. S, on reaching Day #9...or is it 10? Doesn't matter. Keep it up. You're doing great!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on October 05, 2020, 09:24:56 AM
Been a while Mr. S...you doing ok?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on October 17, 2020, 08:08:50 AM
Mr. S?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on October 28, 2020, 11:58:49 PM
Slurps?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 09, 2020, 11:51:52 PM
Hey Guys,  I fell flat on my face.  Day #1. Plus I'm back to square zero, or zed as the Brits say.
Falling this fast and hard is definitely not pretty. I don't have a single excuse that will hold water.
I'll take whatever help you guys can offer, in any form.  Put a candle under my ass, advice (UK has enough wisdom to go around), encouragement, beat the living crap out of me, kindness, empathy... I can use anything because I'm at my wit's end.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 09, 2020, 11:53:55 PM
Shade, I want to thank you personally for dragging my sorry ass back here. I have the feeling you're a real man in every sense of the word.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on November 10, 2020, 07:57:59 AM
Slurps!!!! Glad to have you back!!! I will admit, I suspected there was some shame going on for some possible relapse going on.

Guess what, the past, is exactly there. What's why we have a big windshield and a small rear view mirror. It doesn't count anymore. Look at the big picture, in front. Time to head north again. So you have rolled down a few notches.

The important part, is that you're back. Probably with more determination. And how did Shade reach you? Personal messages? Does he have your phone number? Email?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: ShadeTrenicin on November 11, 2020, 06:58:41 AM
Hey Mr.Slurps, it's good to have you back!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on November 11, 2020, 10:35:07 AM
Hey Slurps,
Good to see you back in the saddle (instead of the comfy chair!)
You know the saying 'if you keep doing the same thing(s)...you'll get the same results'?
My question therefore is 'what will you do differently now to help move towards recovery?'
I have needed to ask myself the same question lately. When you start to find answers it can be empowering and effective.
My challenge to you specifically is to ask these questions, and if you are willing, share the answers with the forum. Then keep asking them and improving your approach and plan, whilst being kind to yourself.
I believe it will help not only you, but others who can identify with your struggle.
Take care,
UKG
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 13, 2020, 06:13:57 PM
Hi Guys,  I missed you all. I am feeling a lot of shame and doubt as to my commitment.
i know I am lazy and weak. But I also know that I am capable of being better.
I'm back in all of the old grooves except watching porn videos.  Total relapse otherwise.
So UK I am going to start re-educating myself w/ the rebooting/quitting videos that gave me hope at the beginning. So as a concrete goal, I'm going to go back to watch/read that good stuff for 15mins/day.
Sincere thanks
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 13, 2020, 06:17:06 PM
Can you guys post a good site or page for someone in my precarious position.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Leonidas on November 13, 2020, 07:52:52 PM
Can you guys post a good site or page for someone in my precarious position.
Coming as an extra swordsman into the fray... Although I am not investing any time into one, if I had to recommend one it would have to be recoverynation.com.  Spoiler alert: it takes QUITE a bit of dedication to pull this off, 30 minutes minimum per day, but if you've got wind in your sails, that place is a sure bet.

Meantime, don't despair... the heavy cavalry is on its way: more incoming support from Joel, UKGuy, Shade, Rookie... the usual bunch!
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 13, 2020, 09:15:30 PM
Quote
Coming as an extra swordsman into the fray... Although I am not investing any time into one, if I had to recommend one it would have to be recoverynation.com.

I second Leo's recommendation of recoverynation.com. It does require dedication. It took me roughly a year to finish when I went through it about 5 years ago. It's super intensive as it requires a lot thoughtful planning, list-making, and dissection of thoughts and behaviors, but it's definitely worth it. Plus, you can't beat the price. The workshop is totally free, unless you opt for a paid plan involve coaching.

I feel for you, Mr S., and I hope you're being kind to yourself. You can start by not referring to yourself as "lazy and weak." No one here is lazy and weak. If you're here, you're a fighter. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Rookie on November 14, 2020, 12:19:46 AM
Can you guys post a good site or page for someone in my precarious position.

Beyond happy you're back on with the crew. Don't take this in a harsh manner, but with your current emotional, sense of failure, embarrassment and all... if it was me in your shoes, there would be 2 things I would do. Invest in paper books, to read (personally, I go the theology or history side, I never was a fan of fiction of any sorts) or find a hobby as far away from the digital world as you can, and ONLY come online to post on this forum, or to take part in the website above.

Of course, none of us know your interests, finances, hobbies, free time outside of the forum. If you could indulge us, some of us might have the same interest and give tips on improving or expanding those interests.

The HUGE thing you will have to do, is find a replacement. ANYONE that indulges in porn...will now have an open window of time where anxiety and everything else will kick in. You MUST occupy that time with something else. Trust me when I tell you, I seem to have found hours per day now. Starting next week, I'm skating 3 times a week with my father in law, and the other 2 days, going swimming...first for my health, second, to occupy my time.

Can't wait to read about your progress north again Mr. S!!!

Oh, and DO NOT build a house where you are, travel light, you have a long way ahead of you. You MUST keep moving. And as Leonidas said, NONE of us have given up on you...notice my few posts just to keep your journal in the first page...we missed ya (sort of?)
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 15, 2020, 06:55:54 PM
Hi Guys,  Thanks for not giving up on me.  I want to stay away from the pity party route. It's just that I've nearly given up on myself and feel pitiful. I pulled the rug out from under myself.
Self-examination (I'm pretty boring when you get to know me.):  Did it get too hard?  Did I get complacent?  Fear of success or failure? Just on a chemical level this addiction controls my better judgement/emotions/connection w/ reality. 
You want to know something really ironic?  (Ready or not here it comes.) I'm still arrogant. I do feel compassion for a homeless junkie.  But it's a very thin line. The only thing that separates me from him is a bunch of bricks and a roof.
You're right Rook.  At this point I can't even be around a computer. Plus I need to get healthy again.  My hamstring is finally almost healed.
How much of this post constitutes whining? 
Please continue not to give up on me.  UK you continue to amaze me.  How in the heck did you know that it would be important to me that my fall help others?
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 15, 2020, 07:57:21 PM
Slurps's Pearls for Beginners:
#1  You will relapse.
Yes you!  When I began this challenge I was all gung ho, banking days.  Others had warned me but I thought "not me".

#2  Everyone's different.
Advice, 90 days, strategies, warnings (including yours truly), don't apply across the board. They are usually useful but don't bank on them.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 15, 2020, 08:06:05 PM
Slurps's Pearls cont.

#3  You are not a wimp.

It doesn't matter that you "know" or "feel" you are. 
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: mr.slurps on November 15, 2020, 08:14:18 PM
Slurps's Pearls for beginners

#4  Beg, borrow, or steal for a clean day.

Whatever it takes except lying or hurting another.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: UKGuy on November 16, 2020, 11:01:11 AM
Here's another one Mr S:

Be kind to your self...you are not your addiction (or for that matter your thoughts).

Good to see you writing like this.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: LetItGoAlready on November 16, 2020, 11:23:05 AM
Some good pearls here, Mr. S. Your words of wisdom will live on long after you've emerged victorious from this fight and will continue to inspire/help others. Do your future legacy proud and beg, borrow, and steal your way to a clean day today. Take care.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Phineas 808 on November 28, 2020, 12:16:20 PM
Hi, Mr. Slurps, it's nice to meet you!

I like your pearls of wisdom for beginners, that will be an awesome post someday if you compile them all together!

I wanted to encourage you that you recently went 9 days without your habit, that's awesome! Whether you lapsed or relapsed, no one can take that away from you! Don't take it away from yourself. Your next challenge (to yourself) would be, to go beyond 9 days next time, and do 10 or more...! You can do it.

Rooting for you.
Title: Re: Ex-edger
Post by: Chris Oz on November 29, 2020, 04:47:59 PM
Can you guys post a good site or page for someone in my precarious position.

Well, I have one recommendation. It's a book I currently am reading. It promises 95% recovery rate. I know you'd probably scoff at this as I probably did. But just read it man. If anything it will strengthen your resolve and debug all the brainwashing porn has led you to believe.

I'm not done yet but I'm already feeling super. I haven't had even one single withdrawals pang since I started reading it... But the funny thing is while I'm reading it info get boners and stuff when I recall all the things my episodes has done to me. It's like it's rewiring my brain and massaging out all the wrong notions.

 It mental stuff, but I swear it's very very helpful. And the best part of it is that the process promises instant recovery and a relatively easy approach. Just read it man that's all I'd say.

The title of the book is - The easy peasy way to quit porn, forgotten the author. You can go download it at b-ok.org

One last thing, I don't want you to put your faith in any book. Ultimately, you have to believe in yourself and trust that a higher power will reward your efforts and rid of this sickness we all have come to know.

For me, I have chosen to put my faith in God. He governs every action I take. He is my light

Remember this my friend

You are not alone, never forget that.

Also, We've all been there, so don't feel ashamed. You are not among foes but friends. We are here to push you forward and lend a helping hand when you fall.

It's not about how many times you fall but how many time you can get back up and keep pushing. Yeah, fall seven times, get back up eight; that should be your mentality.

The difference between winners and losers is that the winners decided to learn from their mistakes and add up on their experience. They keep adding and adding until one day they realize they've surpassed their former limits and struggles and are now better equipped with experiences to surpass that challenge.

Losers on the other hand, mope around and lose sight of the lesson, accepting that their loss is final.

Remember this, there no victory without effort and no effort without error.

You are a champion!

Keep pushing back
Chris