Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: faenoe on October 06, 2019, 08:07:59 PM

Title: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on October 06, 2019, 08:07:59 PM
Here is the beginning of my journal.

I have started with PMO when I was 12 years old. I heard kids talk about masturbating and say things like, "Everyone does it" which I thought was strange because I never had. Well, eventually, I got curious and everything went downhill from there. From the ages of 18 - 21 I went totally without porn. I had never felt better in my entire life. I finally had the confidence to talk to girls and the thought to look at porn didn't even cross my mind.

Obviously, I'm here because my addiction has once again gained control over my life and I want to change that. I want to return to the happiness I felt when I wasn't addicted.

My main trigger is stress. I have conditioned my brain to turn to porn when I am stressed out and I need to find viable alternatives to replace my porn use. Please post suggestions about what you do when when you encounter a trigger. Looking forward to this journey I have started.

February 27 Update: I am back in here because I need the support! I have never had so much success in overcoming PMO than when I was active on this forum. Thank you all for the support you have given me.


Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 06, 2019, 08:23:10 PM
Welcome to the group!

Addiction is basically a conditioned response to stress: it lets us escape from the things that give us pain/anxiety/trauma. It's a coping mechanism.

For me, that has meant learning to get at the root causes of my anxiety. Porn isn't the problem, it's a misguided attempt to solve a problem. So when I feel stressed out or depressed, instead of running to porn to feel better, I try to figure out what is really wrong and to work on solving that problem in a healthy way (instead of just avoiding through addiction).

That might be a place to get started. I'm sure you will find and learn many more things as you read other journals and post actively in yours.

Tomorrow is a new, better day!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 07, 2019, 09:22:13 PM
For me, that has meant learning to get at the root causes of my anxiety. Porn isn't the problem, it's a misguided attempt to solve a problem. So when I feel stressed out or depressed, instead of running to porn to feel better, I try to figure out what is really wrong and to work on solving that problem in a healthy way (instead of just avoiding through addiction).

Wow, thanks for the support! Something interesting that I have also read is PMO it is a learning disorder that you have to unlearn. I think my biggest problem with PMO comes when I have a lot of stress and a lot of free time where I feel like I can put stressful things off because I usually relapse on days where I don't have class.

Daily Update:
Today is my first clean day with this journal and it feels great! This morning I had strong urges to view what I did yesterday but I stayed busy while getting ready for the day and then left the apartment as soon as I could. I noticed that as soon as I was outside the urges were gone and my brain was thinking about work and school.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: squid on October 07, 2019, 10:23:49 PM
Welcome dude!  Here's a quote that's been very very helpful.  "You are who you are, you are what you are, because of what has gone into your mind"

In it's simplest form, a reboot is not putting pmo in your mind and putting something else in there to help you become who you want to be.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: Chuck Shurley on October 08, 2019, 04:17:05 AM
From the ages of 18 - 21 I went totally without porn. I had never felt better in my entire life. I finally had the confidence to talk to girls and the thought to look at porn didn't even cross my mind.

Yes! I started PMO when I was about 12 too, and my life deteriorated from there. Before that, as a kid, I used to feel so calm and clear headed, and I was hugely popular too in primary school (no idea what the term in the US is).

Although I'm only 2 weeks in, I'm trying to view stress triggers as a form of energy, and I try and change the energy, even if it's watching a favourite TV show of mine, or listening to some music. As long as it calms me down.

I am also taking supplements to help deal with physical stress (licorice root and ashwagandha). Might be worth looking into for the early stages of the reboot.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 08, 2019, 08:30:34 AM
Welcome dude!  Here's a quote that's been very very helpful.  "You are who you are, you are what you are, because of what has gone into your mind"

In it's simplest form, a reboot is not putting pmo in your mind and putting something else in there to help you become who you want to be.

I have totally experienced that! Anytime where I have the craving for PMO, there is almost no way of resisting it unless I physically move myself away from the computer. Our brains like to get stuck in loops until we either do something else or fall for what's in the loop.
Although I'm only 2 weeks in, I'm trying to view stress triggers as a form of energy, and I try and change the energy, even if it's watching a favourite TV show of mine, or listening to some music. As long as it calms me down.

I am also taking supplements to help deal with physical stress (licorice root and ashwagandha). Might be worth looking into for the early stages of the reboot.
Well done on 2 weeks my friend! I haven't gone that long in a very long time but I think this journal will help me reach my goals. I believe you're thinking of elementary school in the US. I have found music helpful for me as well. It seems to be able to break the cycle sometimes, especially if I'm stressed.

I haven't ever considered taking a supplement to help with stress. I'll have to do some research. Thanks chuck!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 08, 2019, 07:08:17 PM

Wow, thanks for the support! Something interesting that I have also read is PMO it is a learning disorder that you have to unlearn. I think my biggest problem with PMO comes when I have a lot of stress and a lot of free time where I feel like I can put stressful things off because I usually relapse on days where I don't have class.

That's definitely true! Our brains learn that PMO is a good way to deal with problems, so we have to be deliberate about unlearning that and developing new habits of mind.

Days off can be especially dangerous. For me, it really helps to have a to-do list and a schedule for every day, especially the days off. That way, I can be sure that I'm using my time and not just setting myself up for a relapse because I have nothing else to do.

Keep going!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 08, 2019, 11:28:47 PM
Days off can be especially dangerous. For me, it really helps to have a to-do list and a schedule for every day, especially the days off. That way, I can be sure that I'm using my time and not just setting myself up for a relapse because I have nothing else to do.
Keep going!

I think the to-do list is a good idea. I always feel like I know what stuff I need to get done but I haven't actually ever made a list. I'll give it a try for Thursday.

Today is day 2 clean. I didn't really have any urges today but I had a good project I was working on for the entire time after work and class. That made a huge difference. I think I am going to try and get as much stuff done as I can tomorrow so I don't have to spend time in my apartment on Thursday when I don't have class. If I'm not home, I'll stand a much better chance of another clean day.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 09, 2019, 05:39:31 PM
Sounds like a great day 2!

It's definitely true that we won't get as far if we only focus on quitting PMO. The real trick is putting our focus on building a better life. If we spend all our time focusing on not relapsing, we're still spending all our time thinking about PMO. If we spend our time focusing on getting out and doing good things, then PMO will be far from our thoughts.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 12, 2019, 01:37:57 PM
Well, I've made it to Saturday clean. Historically, Saturdays have been particularly challenging because I like to get all of my homework that is due during the weekend/on Monday done by the end of the day Saturday. High stress and a lot of self-motivation required to stay productive during my otherwise free day. I am doing research for homework right now and doing my best to stay on task.

The past week has been good otherwise! It has been very stressful with exams and studying but I'm making it through. I went downtown with a couple of buddies last night and went to an underground open-mic night. It was good to spend the night doing something with friends even though I knew I had a lot of studying to do. Plus, can't PMO when I'm with my friends.

I'm almost to one week. A small achievement for some but a great one for me!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: Rebooter2019 on October 12, 2019, 04:07:02 PM
Welcome faenoe,

Here you will see a lot of different background linked together by at least one thing and this is PMO addiction. Something I came to realize, while reading journals and articles/researches on addiction, is that it is a life condition. With a good strategy and a lot of willpower you will get out of it, but once out you still need to be careful about "the old demon" like they say. You're not out and that's it! It can come back if you don't learn know what you feel and why you feel that way so you can do something about it!


I not saying that to demoralize anyone, quite the opposite. If that warning can help anyone avoid a relapse after months or years of cleaness because they think they are safe, it's well worth it.

Here my friend we will try to give you insight and what worked for us(individualy) we all want each other to be free of this PMO sh*t.

Best of regard, stay strong and welcome again :)
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 12, 2019, 05:53:15 PM
Huge congratulations on making it through a week! That's a great accomplishment, and I hope you celebrate (responsibly).

No matter how long or short our streaks are, the only thing that really matters is what we do today. We can't change what happened to us yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow yet. Today, though, is right in the palm of our hand. Each day, just focus on taking care of yourself and getting through the day, one day at a time.

I'm glad you got out with your friends a little too! I also like to get all my studying done on Saturday so I can just take a day off more or less on Sunday, but it can be nice to spend time with other people sometimes. (Plus, like you said, it makes it pretty hard to PMO!)

Keep on going strong for another day!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 14, 2019, 07:25:15 PM
you still need to be careful about "the old demon" like they say. You're not out and that's it! It can come back if you don't learn know what you feel and why you feel that way so you can do something about it!

This is definitely a reality. I know I have a long way to go so I started identifying my triggers and started eliminating them. Having a long streak and then losing it to something you didn't even go looking for sucks so much. For this reason, I deleted instagram from my phone. I was so sick of getting pm's from e-whoring accounts. So many times, they led me to a relapse. It feels good to be free from the waste of time too.

No matter how long or short our streaks are, the only thing that really matters is what we do today. We can't change what happened to us yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow yet. Today, though, is right in the palm of our hand. Each day, just focus on taking care of yourself and getting through the day, one day at a time.

Thanks BlueHeron. It really is a slow process to live day by day when you're just focusing on not PMO'ing. Like really slow.

I have been fortunate to have a lot to do during the past week and haven't had any free time at all. I spent the entire day Saturday reading research articles and I learned a ton. I didn't have the urge to PMO once. I think the removal of Instagram has been a HUGE stepping stone for me. I'm going to try and keep identifying and removing triggers to give myself the best chance possible.

Thank you all for your support. Carry on brothers.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 14, 2019, 08:22:10 PM
I think the removal of Instagram has been a HUGE stepping stone for me. I'm going to try and keep identifying and removing triggers to give myself the best chance possible.

This is an awesome step! I definitely had to drop all my social media accounts this year: they just kept dragging me back to relapse, so I decided they weren't worth it. Good for you for getting rid of a source of triggers.

I spent (wasted) a lot of time wishing that I could just do things like normal people, and that prevented me from dropping triggering social media for a long time. It has been really helpful to realize that I can't use other people's "normal" as my guide. Knowing what I know about me and my addictive tendencies, some things that seem "normal" just aren't an option. And I'm finally making peace with that fact. Even if there are benefits to social media, the risk of relapse just isn't worth it.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 16, 2019, 01:40:46 PM
It has been really helpful to realize that I can't use other people's "normal" as my guide. Knowing what I know about me and my addictive tendencies, some things that seem "normal" just aren't an option. And I'm finally making peace with that fact. Even if there are benefits to social media, the risk of relapse just isn't worth it.

I appreciate the insight. I am also considering uninstalling my Facebook app (although it hasn't been a source of sexual triggers) for this reason. I don't ever get anything good out of it and I just waste time. Definitely not worth it.

So far, I have been good this week although I did feel kinda burned out yesterday and Monday after getting home from campus. The urges were definitely there but seemed to lack any sort of power to control me. I have my goal and I am going to reach it.

Also as a side note: I love this community. All of the support and the common goal we have makes me feel happy. Just want to say thank you to all who are here sharing your stories.

This has been day 10. Wow that feels good!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: squid on October 16, 2019, 04:06:23 PM
Thanks for sharing your story too :).  Congratulations on ten days, it keeps getting better.  Keep going!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: Cford on October 16, 2019, 04:50:23 PM
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Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 16, 2019, 06:57:32 PM
Congratulations on 10 days! That's an awesome place to be.

Burnout happens, just take some time to rest and collect yourself, and you'll be back at it in no time!

Like squid said, thanks for sharing your experience with us. We're all better off because we have connected with other people fighting this fight.

Keep it going! Here's to an awesome day 11!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 17, 2019, 06:59:32 PM
I bought some hot chocolate powder last night to take to work since it has been cooling off outside over the past few week. Took it in to work today since we have a hot chocolate machine. It was probably the greatest thing ever. I also got a ton of work done today which felt nice because I felt like I had been in a slump for a while in the project that I'm working on.

I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and it hasn't been difficult at all without it. I think the hardest part about addiction is when we remember we have it. Because I uninstalled the app, I don't have the constant notifications and I don't even think about it. It's obviously a lot harder to get some notification and then fight the urge to look and see what it is. When the notifications are gone the urges disappear as well. Just a little insight from my journey.

I had an interview for an internship at a tech company this summer. I think it went alright but I won't be too worried if I don't get it because I am pretty sure I can get another one and the one I really want, I have an interview for next week. That has been my day so far. Hoping to get some more homework done before the end of the day. Keep it real and carry on.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 17, 2019, 07:02:15 PM
I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and it hasn't been difficult at all without it. I think the hardest part about addiction is when we remember we have it. Because I uninstalled the app, I don't have the constant notifications and I don't even think about it. It's obviously a lot harder to get some notification and then fight the urge to look and see what it is. When the notifications are gone the urges disappear as well. Just a little insight from my journey.

That's a great insight! There have definitely been things that I have deleted that I thought it would be too hard to live without. But then I deleted them and haven't missed them even once. It's weird how these urges disappear when we get rid of the triggers (not really weird, but it still always seems to catch me by surprise that it works like that).

And three cheers for hot chocolate! Keep it going!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: I GET TO on October 19, 2019, 02:21:33 AM
Good luck on the internship! Hope you get the position. Im just coming to the end of my university career and couldnt be more excited.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 21, 2019, 05:13:37 PM
The last couple of days have been a whirlwind.

I have been super stressed out over that past three days because of a paper I have to do for my English class. It requires a lot of research and has been taking me forever to make progress on it. But somehow I'm here now. A little closer to finishing it.

I spent most of the day on Saturday being productive and also trying to work on my paper. Didn't do much else. Was just about to go to sleep around 10 on Saturday and then my roommate came home and wanted to go get food so I went with him. I ended up going to bed pretty late (for me) at around 1. Sunday I just felt kinda off for the whole day. I was still really stressed about my paper so I tried going to sleep early so I could work on it this morning. Turns out, I could sleep for very long and I ended up waking up at 1:30 AM. Since I wasn't able to fall back asleep I decided I should probably just get up and work on my paper. So I did. And so, I've been up since 1:30 today haha. I guess if my body doesn't want to sleep when I want it to, it won't get any. I should be able to sleep really well tonight though.

Just barely had some pretty strong urges but only for about a minute. It was weird. I know that I don't want to look and porn anymore and I feel ok accepting that. It doesn't have anything I want. So, I decided that instead of looking at porn, I'd get on here and write my past few days out.

Onward and upwards. Pretty sure I'm over two weeks now!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 21, 2019, 09:13:56 PM
Good stuff! Papers for English classes have a way of taking over. Congratulations on getting it done!

It's also great that you're dealing with urges with such a cool head. You're exactly right that porn doesn't have anything to offer you. The urge is a sign that something in your life needs attention and your brain thinks porn will solve the problem. If you use the urge as a sign that you need to do something healthy to take care of yourself, you're on the right track. Glad you posted here instead! Train your brain to use the internet for good instead of for addiction!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on October 27, 2019, 12:37:37 AM
Dear friends,

I spent the entire day working on my research paper and now I have a complete first draft. I was going to wait until tomorrow to post but I decided to hop on real quick and give an update. It has been a stressful week. I had another interview with a company I want to intern with and I have otherwise been doing homework.

This morning, I went to work out and mid way through my workout, this girl came in and started running on the treadmill. After she was done running, she asked me what my name was. It was really cool. I thought she was pretty cute and she seemed to match my level of maturity. I think it would be cool to ask her on a date.

Anyways, there's my update. Oh yeah, still going strong btw. I think I had some urges yesterday but they don't seem nearly as powerful as they used to. Living life without porn is so wonderful. Thanks for you love and support. Peace.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on October 27, 2019, 06:53:54 PM
Sounds like a great report! Huge congratulations for getting a first draft done, that's awesome!

I think it would probably would be cool to ask her on a date. Why not make it happen? I got some good advice just recently to see dating as a practice. Whether it works out with a particular person or not, it all gives you experience and prepares you for the day when you eventually meet someone you'll spend a long time with. Give it a shot!

I'm glad to hear you're going strong still. Just keep on going, one good day at a time!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 06, 2019, 06:26:15 PM
I think it would probably would be cool to ask her on a date. Why not make it happen? I got some good advice just recently to see dating as a practice. Whether it works out with a particular person or not, it all gives you experience and prepares you for the day when you eventually meet someone you'll spend a long time with. Give it a shot!

I think I just might!

Well, today is November 6 which means ONE MONTH free of PMO! Thank you all so much for your support in my journey! I am going to set my next goal on my original post. Before this month, the longest I had gone over the past year was probably no longer than a week so being a part of this community is definitely making a difference. Much love to all of you.

I definitely think the last few days have been the hardest of all. It's almost like my brain is searching for anything to de-stress itself but I am teaching it the PMO is not the avenue it will take. Over the past week and a half, I have been going strong doing my coursework and working. It feels good to have a month under my belt. I felt a really high libido yesterday and the day before. It was kinda annoying but I made it through by focusing on getting homework done and working out. Stay strong as ever boys. Next goal, here we come!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 06, 2019, 08:13:06 PM
Way to go! A month free of PMO! That's something to celebrate!

It's awesome that you're going strong right now and taking the urges/triggers in stride.

Keep it going! One month plus one day is a great place to be!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: squid on November 06, 2019, 10:03:47 PM
Congratulations dude!  The first month is uniquely challenging, this is a great milestone in your recovery!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on November 07, 2019, 12:05:15 PM
Just read the whole journal, great stuff man!

Keep going strong. Remember, there are lots of healthy ways to distress! It's great you have a roomate, I think having that having someone nearby and it being very easy to socialize is excellent, even if we don't always feel like it.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 11, 2019, 09:24:19 AM
It pains me to write this but this morning I MO'd. Last night I was going to go to sleep at 9pm and get plenty of rest for today. Right as I was going to go into my bedroom, someone I know showed up and wanted to talk for two and a half hours. After she left, I went to bed but my roommates were being super loud and I couldn't fall asleep. I was getting pretty angry which only made it more difficult for sleep to find me. Eventually, I got up and politely said, "Hey you guys are being pretty loud. I'm having trouble sleeping. Thanks." They seemed to quiet down a little bit after that but I didn't fall asleep until after 2AM (which is realllllllly late for me since I get up at 5:30 every morning). This morning, I guess I forgot that MO isn't an appropriate way to deal with stress and emotions :L

Anyways, I'm going to set a new goal and keep at it guys. Sorry to disappoint y'all but I'm not gonna give up or anything.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 11, 2019, 09:41:59 PM
Sorry to hear it, man, but, as you know, all is not lost. It's a learning experience. Emotional triggers are real, and it's important to find ways to deal with strong emotions/stress in healthy and useful ways.

Nothing messes me up more than not getting the right amount of sleep. That's a tough thing to have happen.

Tomorrow is a new day. You can get right back on track, no matter what happened today!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 12, 2019, 03:29:42 PM
Hey guys, just thought I would check in. I'm working on another big project that I can't wait to be finished with. It's due in a week but I want to get it done by tomorrow so it's off my plate. I'm just listening to music and trying to do some writing.

I made it through my first day. Feeling really antsy about sitting here at my computer. I think I need to go work out or something. I definitely don't want to look at porn and begin the spiral of death. I want complete abstinence. That is the goal I am sticking to.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 12, 2019, 06:52:46 PM
It's a good goal, stick with it for sure. Complete abstinence is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

Working on a big project always makes me antsy too. It's a good idea to get it done, but I think you're right to think about working out or something. It's good to break up all the brain work with some healthy body movement.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 22, 2019, 06:02:32 PM
Wow a lot has happened since I last posted. No PMO though!

It's been ten days since my last journal entry. I have had an amazing week. I got a lot of projects finished and so far, this is the best semester I have had academically. I haven't missed any assignments all semester and I have done well on all of my exams. Hard work is the most satisfying thing when you can see it paying off.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on vacation with some friends. I saw this girl while we were on our trip and I wanted to get to know her so I got her number. At the beginning of last week, I texted her and it turned out that she was coming to where I live the following weekend. I asked her on a date. We had a ton of fun and I'm going to where she lives this weekend. I really enjoyed her company and it felt so different to spend time with a real girl than with P. Real girls are infinitely better, no contest. I'm really excited to see her again this weekend.

I just finished all of my homework for this week and it feels good to finally be able to relax. I am really looking forward to next week because of the holiday coming up.

Just feeling super good.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 22, 2019, 06:27:11 PM
Also wanted to share this article that a friend of mine sent me: https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes (https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes) Pardon the language but I think the message could be helpful to someone.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 22, 2019, 08:15:10 PM
Wow, it all sounds awesome! Staying clean, getting through school, going on a good date!

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling super good. That's where you want to  be. Keep it up!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on November 22, 2019, 11:55:47 PM
Man congrats bro! That is super super awesome, and yes real girls are soooo much better than P. When away from dating for awhile, one can forget that, how amazing reality can be.

Thanks for the article, Mark Mason has some good stuff, will check it out for sure. Reading good stuff is just an awesome boost from time to time.

Edit: Reading the article. What a coincidence! Was just thinking about this very topic, great article as I incoropate this more and more into my dating life things are much better and a lot more peace of mind.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 26, 2019, 09:39:45 AM
Hey team, I'm looking for advice or experience today.

So last night, this girl I posted about earlier invited me over for dinner. I was really excited all day for it and I usually get a ton of anxiety before dates (which makes it hard for me to eat) but this time I was feeling okay. Anyways, we ate dinner and then watched a movie. About halfway through, we started making out. Since I had never kissed anyone before, it didn't really feel natural. It was a new experience. I felt really weird afterwards. Anyways, has anyone else had a similar experience, or how do you guys usually feel after a lot of kissing? I really like this girl so I don't know why it felt so weird but it did.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 26, 2019, 07:56:14 PM
Definitely not an expert, but could it be that it was weird because it was new? Maybe going from 0 to 60 was a lot all at once.

I don't know, I feel like the first anything is going to be weird on some level. Looking back on my first kiss, it was definitely my weirdest and worst kiss, but things change with time and experience. If you still like her and she still likes you, I don't think there's too much to worry about. (And I say that knowing that I would definitely be worrying about everything if I were in a similar situation. I know that worrying is counterproductive, but it still happens despite my best efforts.)

In other words, it kind of sounds like you're moving forward and getting into new territory, and that's exciting. Whatever happens, you're learning and progressing, so keep it up!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on November 30, 2019, 06:25:06 PM
Thanks for the reply, I can't thank you enough for your input. It just helps to have someone to tell all of this stuff to. I decided to stop worrying about it and it seems like I felt pretty good about everything after a day had passed. This holiday weekend we have spent every night texting and talking about life together. Unfortunately she's kinda far away but I guess I knew that when I asked her out initially.

Life has been good these past few days. Pretty much no urges but after a very long break, I did spend some time on Instagram this morning and was astonished at how quickly I was bombarded by images of girls in swimming suits or with a lot of cleavage. I was able to get out fast before any pathways got triggered. I think the one thing that has helped me most since joining this forum is remembering that porn is any artificial sexual stimulation. There's no "dipping your feet" that is safe when it comes to looking at girls. It always leads to regrets.

Anyways, thanks for your guys' support and keep going forward!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: BlueHeronFan on November 30, 2019, 07:34:28 PM
I think the one thing that has helped me most since joining this forum is remembering that porn is any artificial sexual stimulation. There's no "dipping your feet" that is safe when it comes to looking at girls. It always leads to regrets.

Anyways, thanks for your guys' support and keep going forward!

Anytime, I'm glad it's helpful! I know having this place as an outlet has really helped me.

And what you said about there not being any safe artificial stimulation is exactly right. I'm glad you could recognize it, catch yourself, and get out. Those social media apps can be really dangerous, gotta be careful.

It's also good that you're feeling better about the girl and staying in contact with her. Exciting times!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on December 03, 2019, 11:17:02 PM
Keep up the good work man! Yeah for sure instagram is good to avoid. I definetly agree, avoid all the external.

Man sorry I am late on this news, but CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST KISS! That is big man, that's a step in life that's pretty damn far on PMO. And yeah man, it's pretty normal for it to feel weird especially since you have to rewire to it. Keep up doing what you are doing, staying away from porn. SLOWLY and PATIENTLY escalating/ maintaining things with this girl and you will love kissing pretty soon.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on February 27, 2020, 02:06:27 PM
I am back here guys! I have not been as strong as I would like to be so I am going to be returning to the forum to gain the support that helped me so much in my previous efforts. Thank you all so much for being here.

Today I am feeling strong urges to view porn but I decided that I would jump on here and write about it before I go and work out. I don't want the fake substitute. I want to stay strong for the confidence in myself and for the the ability to stay sober for my future wife/family.

Keep up the great work and involvement. I have updated my goals on my first post.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: wecandoit on February 27, 2020, 02:54:57 PM
I am back here guys! I have not been as strong as I would like to be so I am going to be returning to the forum to gain the support that helped me so much in my previous efforts. Thank you all so much for being here.

Today I am feeling strong urges to view porn but I decided that I would jump on here and write about it before I go and work out. I don't want the fake substitute. I want to stay strong for the confidence in myself and for the the ability to stay sober for my future wife/family.

Keep up the great work and involvement. I have updated my goals on my first post.

Welcome back. Being part of a community that deals with the same problem can be that +1 that we need. When I get hard urges, it helps to read/watch stuff about porn addiction recovery or nofap. It helps me switch the attention from "I want porn so bad" to "here is why I want to quit." It reinforces my promise and plan.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on March 17, 2020, 09:26:24 AM
DAY 1:

This past week has been a nightmare. I have not only relapsed but I have felt the addictive mindset begin to return to me. Almost all throughout work yesterday I was thinking about looking at porn and then when I finished at work I wasn't able to stop myself. I felt totally trapped. Right now I'm at the point where I don't even want to quit because of how addictive porn is, but I am going to try anyways.

GOALS
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: wecandoit on March 17, 2020, 02:49:01 PM
DAY 1:

This past week has been a nightmare. I have not only relapsed but I have felt the addictive mindset begin to return to me. Almost all throughout work yesterday I was thinking about looking at porn and then when I finished at work I wasn't able to stop myself. I felt totally trapped. Right now I'm at the point where I don't even want to quit because of how addictive porn is, but I am going to try anyways.

GOALS
  • one week without any artificial sexual stimulation
  • post on here every day for the next week.

Porn is very addictive. I didn't even think that it could be this addictive when I started my attempts on recovery. The problem with porn is that this is an addiction that doesn't involve substances. It gets stored in our memory and then it comes to bother the hell out of us. What you're describing there, I've had that a tone of times. Working in front of the computer but doing things on autopilot and only thinking about what porn to watch at home. At the same time, I was screaming at myself, inside: "No, man, you won't go home to watch any fucking porn!" It's like the new Joker movie. He laughs like a maniac but he can't stop himself. It's very hard to stop thinking about porn. So far I've been following a plan, figuring out what I had to do to avoid a relapse. I reached the point where I did a good job staying away from deliberately searching for porn and porn substitutes but I could not stop fantasizing about porn and this is what eventually made me relapse. During this current streak, I've had a couple of moments when fantasizing about porn almost got me but I managed to stop myself and then I told myself that I had to do something about fantasizing. You see, I want to quit porn, of course, but there is this part of me that begs for any ounce of dopamine. And because I stay away from watching anything, it tries to get dopamine in any way, and the only thing that remained was the porn stored in my brain. It kept sucking dopamine from that hoping eventually to push me to a full blown relapse, exactly what the brain loves the most. We need to learn everything about our porn behavior and world. I don't think we can succeed without this. It's becoming easier, in my mind, because I feel like I'm getting closer to understanding how my addiction works. It didn't come overnight. It meant a lot of relapses and post-analysis to figure out what the fuck was going on. The thing is, this addiction works like the saying "Give an inch, take a mile". If you fuck with it, it will make you fully relapse eventually. Maybe not today but it adds up. You could start the relapse a few days before by messing with porn, porn substitutes or even porn flashbacks and fantasies. Everything that stimulates the addicted brain must be avoided because it's the first piece of domino that starts everything. I know, when hard urges start and the craving gets unbearable, something "small" looks like a no big deal. "It's just a little, I won't watch porn," but this is not you, it's that voice inside your brain that is the first domino piece. I don't think we can succeed if we don't stay away from everything. Porn, porn substitutes, fantasizing, maybe even masturbation. It can lead to relapse for some people. Maybe not for everybody but it does this to me, that I know.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on March 18, 2020, 07:39:58 PM
Wow thank you for that incredible response wecandoit. I know exactly what you mean about the whole domino situation. I think you're also right about the brain seeking a full-on relapse because when I did relapse I did twice in one day and that, I believe, is what my brain was trying to get. Thank you for the valuable insight. You have no idea how much that means to me to have your support.

DAY 2
Just felt a strong urge to look at porn but I decided to come on here instead. I was looking at the moderator's profile and decided to read his post from 2014:

Quote from: PursuitOfUnFAPpiness
Hey Paul,

Welcome to RebootNation! Thank you for sharing your story and it sounds like you’re off to a great start with the past few years and especially the last 90 days!

I can really relate to how you said every aspect of your being is damaged when you would use PMO. I am 26 and I used internet porn for a few years (several times a week). I feel like I have always been observant of how things affect me, but didn't fully realize the magnitude of the effects of PMO until after quitting.  Among many things, the biggest was how it changed my view of women.  PMO reduced my desire for seeking depth in relationships, and what I primarily looked for in girls was physical/sexual, instead of focusing on finding someone I really enjoyed spending time with and loved and deeply cared about.

I am looking forward to hearing more of your story and how it affected you! We are still getting the site up and going, so once we get it rolling I'll take some time and post my journey too and all the ways I noticed how affected me!

-PursuitOfUnFAPpiness

 It's like all of a sudden my desire to look at porn was gone as my mind snapped into remembering what my goal is: total recovery. Reading this post reminded me that I DON'T want anything to do with porn, and I want to become totally disassociated with it. I think every time I feel an urge to look at porn I am going to come to this forum instead and hopefully gain the strength to stay sober.
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on March 20, 2020, 08:47:28 AM
Day 4
Missed reporting here yesterday but I was just inside most of the day. I worked for a while and then studied for exams that I have. It was a pretty successful day as far as being productive while having to be shut inside. I have to say the first three days were difficult in terms of the urges but I feel a little bit more confident now that I have this community with me again.

Here's to one more day!
Title: Re: TOTAL CHAOS
Post by: faenoe on March 21, 2020, 11:25:46 PM
DAY 5

Made it through another day. I feel like I am gaining more control after the first few days were over. I have made changes in the way I have devoted myself to spirituality since I have had more time on my hands. I think that is also helping make a difference. The cravings are still coming though and it's just annoying to have them there. I don't know if they will ever go away completely but I think coming on here and reading the posts from other people on here is a healthy way to deal with them for now.

Almost to my goal of one week. A couple days to go.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: wecandoit on March 22, 2020, 09:15:53 AM
Every success starts with day 1. It doesn't matter if the streak is short now because you need to start with 5 days to get to a lot more. Patience is very important. Also determination and keeping in mind that there is a day in the future when everything will be over. But be prepared because this addiction is sneaky. Things could be alright today but tomorrow the withdrawal could hit you really hard, the craving could get unbearable and this is when your determination is tested. I'm close to a month without searching or watching/looking at porn or porn subs. But I've had 3 days when I almost fell. I don't know if it applies to everybody but I feel that I had to follow a textbook approach with my addiction if I want to succeed. There is no room for even small mistakes. I can't count how many times I've relapsed after engaging in something "small and harmless". I had to remember that I felt better since the last binge, I had to keep in mind where I wanted to be. There is no place for an addiction in the life that I want to live from now on. This addiction dragged me down too much. Good luck, man.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on March 23, 2020, 07:33:47 PM
Every success starts with day 1. It doesn't matter if the streak is short now because you need to start with 5 days to get to a lot more. Patience is very important. Also determination and keeping in mind that there is a day in the future when everything will be over. But be prepared because this addiction is sneaky. Things could be alright today but tomorrow the withdrawal could hit you really hard, the craving could get unbearable and this is when your determination is tested. I'm close to a month without searching or watching/looking at porn or porn subs. But I've had 3 days when I almost fell. I don't know if it applies to everybody but I feel that I had to follow a textbook approach with my addiction if I want to succeed. There is no room for even small mistakes. I can't count how many times I've relapsed after engaging in something "small and harmless". I had to remember that I felt better since the last binge, I had to keep in mind where I wanted to be. There is no place for an addiction in the life that I want to live from now on. This addiction dragged me down too much. Good luck, man.

You're totally right about porn addiction being sneaky. For this reason I have decided to adopt the sentiment that any artificial sexual stimulation is porn. If you do the same, there won't be anything "small and harmless" because all of that material, no matter how "bad" it seems, is sought after for one reason: artificial sexual stimulation to release dopamine.

DAY 7
Kicking back another day over here! I just made it through a pretty intense urge whose origin I was able to pinpoint: stress. This is the only consistent trigger that I have been able to identify through my years of addiction. It's probably shared among many of you. I am working on my end-of-semester project and it is pretty difficult. I frequently get the urge to look at porn when I am stressed. But instead of looking at porn I decided to apply myself and work through the problem I was having. This is the healthy response to stress that I want to train my brain to turn to when it encounters stress. It was a pretty tough battle but now the urge is gone.

Putting another battle behind me.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on March 27, 2020, 01:41:04 PM
DAY 12

Wow I did not realize how many days had gone past since last being on here. The days go by so fast when you go to school, work, and do homework all from the same spot.

I am still fighting off urges but mostly just the desire to look at porn. I don't know that that will go away anytime soon. I mean, girls are attractive to guys. But I had a really weird night, I couldn't really sleep (I almost never have this problem except when I am super stressed) and the little sleep I did get didn't leave me feeling refreshed; I woke up in a similar bad mood that I went to sleep in yesterday. I will have to be extra vigilant today to protect myself from losing my goals.

Here's to another day of leaving all this garbage behind me!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on March 30, 2020, 11:17:44 PM
DAY 15

Hey guys, just checking in for today. I had a really weird dream last night that left me in a really high-tension mood when I woke up. For a split second I felt the urge to look at porn to relieve the tension. I know that is one of my triggers but I let go of it, took a shower, and went to work (oh yeah, to my desk lol).

It was a good weekend. I started reading a really good book yesterday that made me really grateful for all that I have, my goal to quit porn being one of those things.

One day at a time.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 01, 2020, 03:05:55 PM
DAY 17

I'm still on the train boys. I feel like I have made it completely out of any chaser effects since I last relapsed a couple weeks ago. However, I know that for me I often fall to this monster when I'm not getting hit with super strong urges. It is usually a small urge that eventually just gets through (because there are millions of them). I'm wary of these, knowing myself and my history.

Leaving PMO one more day further behind me.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 03, 2020, 12:00:21 AM
DAY 18

Ooof today was a tough one. I was working on my end-of-semester project and got stuck on something. Immediately, I got hit by these extremely powerful urges to PMO. I cannot describe how intense they were. It almost seemed like a life/death experience. Idk how but it was almost like as soon as they were there, they were gone again. My brain is still clearly trying to get me to activate that old neural pathway to get dopamine and relieve itself from stress.

On the flip side, as powerful as the urge was, my resolve to quit porn was stronger. I just kept working on my project and taught myself a little bit more to WORK when I am stressed instead of THROWING MY GOALS AWAY. Feels good to be here tonight with this report.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: Jeks on April 03, 2020, 01:21:33 AM
I can relate to this situation so much. My strongest urges were coming while being frustrated, especially concerning my studies. I wasnt used to handling negative emotions without pmo. Therefore i congratulate you to make it through this. Be aware that it might happen again. Maybe you might want to think about what to do in these situations to deal with the stress. What also helped me was showering, especially cold, when i was just too tired to just keep working.

Keep going faenoe
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: JB1997 on April 03, 2020, 08:27:03 AM
Faenoe,

Glad you're back on here man - I'm the same way and feel like I have the most success when I'm active on the forum talking with others. Stress is a big thing for me that causes me to want to watch porn, but also specifically when things I feel just aren't going well in terms of dating/personal life. Perhaps maybe that falls under stress as well. Keep it up man!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 03, 2020, 09:37:13 AM
I can relate to this situation so much. My strongest urges were coming while being frustrated, especially concerning my studies. I wasnt used to handling negative emotions without pmo. Therefore i congratulate you to make it through this. Be aware that it might happen again. Maybe you might want to think about what to do in these situations to deal with the stress. What also helped me was showering, especially cold, when i was just too tired to just keep working.

Keep going faenoe

Thanks Jeks! I can't wait until the urges start becoming less powerful because as well as I was able to make it out yesterday, it's scary nonetheless. I think it's a healthy response to just get up and away from the computer when those feelings return. Put some distance between myself and the place of failure.

Faenoe,

Glad you're back on here man - I'm the same way and feel like I have the most success when I'm active on the forum talking with others. Stress is a big thing for me that causes me to want to watch porn, but also specifically when things I feel just aren't going well in terms of dating/personal life. Perhaps maybe that falls under stress as well. Keep it up man!

Thanks JB1997! I appreciate the support and empathy. It's so hard to not let emotions govern behavior... but I guess that is what discipline is after all!

I'll probably check in again at the end of the day to give myself a goal to make it through the day. Thanks for the love and support guys!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 04, 2020, 12:09:00 AM
DAY 19

Today has been a wonderful day. I got a lot done on my school work and cleaned my apartment. I made dinner and had a relaxing evening.

I was fighting some urges today about noon time. I tried to keep working on my project to combat the stress but it wasn't working. Too much cortisol building up without an outlet. I decided to work out to get out of the situation. That worked! I was able to relieve the stress via a healthy outlet and I'm feeling pretty good about that. It is going to be a good weekend.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 10, 2020, 07:21:39 PM
DAY 25

Time goes so fast when you stay at home all day. This week has been surprisingly free from the desire to look at porn. I think it's partially due to two things: I got one of my final projects that was really stressing me out under control, and it has been a few weeks of being clean. I can feel a difference in the power that porn has over me and I haven't really thought about it at all this week. It seems like putting my shoulder the the grindstone has been paying off.

But I want 26 days. So I'll keep on working hard and dealing with my stress in healthy ways. That has seemed like the best way for me to have progress.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on April 11, 2020, 01:12:22 AM
Hey man, congrats on 25 days! That's a big deal. Keep up the good work man, you're doing great!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: CallousedMind on April 11, 2020, 01:37:30 AM
DAY 18
I was working on my end-of-semester project and got stuck on something. Immediately, I got hit by these extremely powerful urges to PMO.
Hi Faenoe! Congratulations on your streak, you're doing great!
I have had the same problem a lot of times and it sucks super hard. I'm studying to and whenever I get stuck in a difficult task for more than 5 min my brain tries to get me to watch porn. When I broke my best streak to date (21 days) it was because of this. During this time I haven't figured out "the solution" for this particular problem but I usually I try to be real to myself and say things like (I hope you can get something out of it):
"yeah, this sucks but if you stop now you'll have to do it later and it will suck even more. Also, you're capable of doing things even harder than this! you have done ... (insert something difficult that you have accomplished in the past like getting a good grade in a super hard subject or completing a marathon or whatever that motivates you) so you're capable of anything!"
If you really feel like you need to clean your mind for a moment it's okey to get up and wash your face with some cold water or go to the kitchen and refill your glass of water. I even pick my guitar for 5 min sometimes so I can relax for a moment and enjoy myself.
Stay strong and keep going that great streak!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 13, 2020, 12:24:31 AM
DAY 27

Thank you both for the encouraging words. It feels good to have the support of this wonderful community. We are all stronger together to celebrate each other's victories, hold each other up when we need help, and dust each other off when we fall. You guys are awesome!

It was a peaceful Easter day. I have stayed at my apartment for almost three weeks now and have had no symptoms of being sick so I decided I would make the journey and go visit my parents. It was great to see them for an evening. Now I stand at the beginning of another week. The focus will gradually shift from school to work as the school year comes to a close and before I begin summer classes. It is hard for me to work full-time but I did it all last summer so I know I can do it. Plus, it will be nice to have the extra money.

The urges to look at porn have gradually weakened. Even when I get spam friend requests from fake porn accounts on Facebook, I am able to delete them without a problem and keep moving. I really hate those though. It's just not something that I think I should need to battle. But that is the reality of life in today's world. Porn is a huge, addictive industry. I am going to be one of the ones who leaves it behind. Forever.

Almost and one month and I couldn't be happier with the things I am learning and the empowerment I feel from dealing with my stress in healthy ways. Don't do anything that will make your recovery more difficult than it already is.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 13, 2020, 11:15:52 PM
DAY 28

This new week has brought with it a completely different lifestyle. For a couple of weeks, I have respite from the daily stress of having large projects that need to be completed as I have finished everything for the semester. Now I can work. I worked for about 5 hours today and then helped my friend with his homework. Didn't think about porn once today and that feels great. Stress really is my main trigger I think. But I will remain vigilant and not let my guard down. I have relapsed too many time to the cravings that feel small an insignificant. The thing is that consuming any amount of porn lowers my self control and is extremely dangerous because it can easily spark the chaser effect leading into a full-on binge relapse. Not anything I ever want.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: achilles heel on April 14, 2020, 03:24:38 PM
Congrats on 4 weeks and on already gaining the strength to say 'no' easier! The first month is the toughest so you did an amazing job. This weekend I will try to catch up with your whole story, but already saw you abstained 3 whole years which is a background to build upon. You've got the power to change your life!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 14, 2020, 10:19:34 PM
DAY 29

Thanks achilles! I started this month in a weird place. I didn't even want to stop looking at porn. I didn't start this month after feeling bad after a relapse. I just wanted more. But I can still remember consciously making the decision to stop even though I wanted to look at porn.

It's very interesting that during those three years, I didn't even have the desire to look at porn. However, the thing that got me was returning to my parents house for a week. After living away from home after all that time, my brain didn't have a spot where it knew it was supposed to look at porn. When I returned home, the old habits came flooding back with the old environment. Even in just the one week I was there. Now I have been battling for two years. It just goes to show how much our environments affect our behavior. Change your environment and don't pollute it. Change your behavior and change your life.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 17, 2020, 12:10:36 AM
DAY 31

By all standards, I have made it through my first month! Recovery is truly incredible. The initial urges that plagued me during the first weeks, that seemed so strong and powerful, never appear anymore. I wondered how I would continue to fight such strong desires but, luckily, the brain is capable of adapting. That is the one major advantage that we all posses. Keep fighting wherever you may be on the journey. If you are able to teach the brain alternative ways of relieving stress, it is amazing what it will do to adapt.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 22, 2020, 07:54:01 PM
Congratulations on a month, man! It's awesome to see that you're making steady progress. I'm excited to get back to sharing this journey with you in the coming days.

Keep it up!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 23, 2020, 06:32:26 PM
DAY 38

Thanks Blue, your words means a lot. I relish all of the support from this fantastic community.

These past two weeks have been ROUGH. I remember last summer when I was working full time that life was just hard but I couldn't really remember why. These last two weeks have reminded me why.

I think I have a mental disorder, or maybe just habit of not being able to relax if I know there is work to be done. I finished my classes and hopped right into working full-time. I thought this switch from school to work would bring less stress but it just brings different stress. I can't work harder to get all of my hours in at work. I have to work for x amount of hours to do that.

For some reason I have a hard time falling asleep now (which I can remember from last summer), which has led to half-consciously MO'ing a couple of times. Idk what it is about work. (Luckily?) I am doing classes all summer long so I don't think I will be able to work full-time but we will see.

Porn hasn't even been on my mind over the last week. I had a personal project that I started after I finished all of my hours at work last week and it completely enveloped me all weekend. It was awesome. I felt alive again.

Life is hard mates but I've made it this far and I plan to continue.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 24, 2020, 07:43:16 PM
Just keep on keepin' on, man. It is definitely a weird time to be working on recovery, but it's also a unique opportunity.

Definitely don't be afraid to take some time to take care of yourself. Working on things is important, but not if it comes at the cost of your mood/well-being. Lately, I have started limiting work to certain hours of the day. It seems like kind of a weird idea, but it has made me more productive during the hours I'm working and has made me not have to worry/feel guilty when I'm being unproductive during my "relaxing" hours. I don't know if that would be helpful for you, but it has helped me to start to find a healthier relationship with the productivity pressure I put on myself.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 25, 2020, 06:13:01 PM
DAY 40

Blue, as much as I hate admitting this, I think you're right. It doesn't matter how much I want to work and be productive if I don't take time away to do something else. Like right now: I am trying to read for one of my classes that hasn't even started yet (it starts next week), and I find myself getting hit by the inability to focus on it. As much as I'd like to be prepared when my classes start, perhaps a better time to do that would be next week. I think I am going to go to the store and pick up some ingredients to make some food and do some cooking tonight. That seems like a good way to get me off the computer and doing something better.

Edit: I decided to hop on here because I was getting hit by some urges and knew that here was the best place to go to remind myself what I am doing and what my greater goal is. Thank you all for providing your experiences because they help me every single time I read them.

Much love to all of you and may we all have a porn-free weekend.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 25, 2020, 08:16:36 PM
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.

It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.

Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on April 26, 2020, 12:02:22 PM
Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.

I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.

I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.

Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on April 27, 2020, 03:35:07 PM
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.

It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.

Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.

Hey Blue, I have made the decision to limit myself to only working part-time this summer (even though I can work full-time). Your advice has strongly influenced me in making this decision and I thank you for it. I think it will lead to a much healthier summer.

Getting off of the computer was a good decision and I really enjoyed the cooking! I often find myself making the same things every day but I decided to make something I never had before and it was a lot of fun. It seems like a good way to explore new things and do a little self-improvement at the same time.

Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.

I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.

I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.

Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

Thank you so much anon! This forum has seriously been the key to my success when urges have hit (that's why I hopped on right now, actually). It gets my brain out of the spiraling descent to relapse.

Sleep is one of the things that challenges me most when I can't get it. Like you, I try to keep a schedule and when I find myself lying in bed for hours without sleep it is really hard on me. I am hoping that with my summer classes starting soon, and my (hopeful) return back to a healthy school/work balance, I will be able to get my sleep sorted out.

I am definitely going to need that quote as I start classes again! Thank you for sharing that with me. And thanks for the reality check too about the accomplishment each sober day is.

DAY 42

Today I am making the decision to limit myself and my time at work. Even though my brain pressures me to work full-time, I am starting classes this week and I want to look out for my personal health before my perceived financial health. Working part time will provide me with enough money to make it through the summer so I don't need to kill myself earning a marginally increased amount of money working a student job (lol). It felt good to finally write that out and show myself that once I get a real job after university, I will laugh at how much I worried about getting more hours in at work. I'm gonna go read for my class tomorrow!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: BlueHeronFan on April 27, 2020, 07:33:16 PM
It's awesome to hear that you're making the decision to go a little easier on yourself with work and that you're feeling good about it!

When all this quarantine stuff started, I definitely gave myself a hard time for not being super productive. But how could I be? To start off, there just isn't as much work to do. My mood has definitely improved as I've given myself permission to take it a little easier. Things will get busy again eventually. Busy doesn't mean I'm a better person, just a busier one.

I definitely like thinking about how you'll feel when you get a real job. Some of the things that feel so important right now definitely aren't in the long run.

You're doing great, keep it going!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on April 27, 2020, 09:45:17 PM
Hey, that sounds great man.

I enjoy having a proper schedule. I can't function without one. Having some sort of structure just works for me. So I'm glad you can get back to a nice and healthy sleeping schedule soon.

And sounds like you've made a great decision about limiting yourself when it comes to working. Your personal health should be more important. Keep it up man, you're doing great.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 02, 2020, 12:20:37 PM
Thank you blue and anon for the encouraging words. I have had a much easier time feeling happy and like myself this week since deciding to work part-time. My classes have started and so far I am staying on top of things.

DAY 47

This past week I had a couple urges but they left pretty quickly. It still bothers me that I get them because any urge poses a danger. I should have gotten on here at least one time during the week because that has historically been my safest response to urges. I think I was getting stressed out about and assignment but I just decided to hunker down and finish it.

This morning I had a list of things that I wanted to get done. Among them were fixing my bathroom fan and posting on here. I'm glad that I took some time to do home maintenance because I figured out some cool stuff. I figured out how to make a bathroom fan not work and then after some more tinkering, how to fix one that isn't working. It was a really satisfying experience.

This morning I decided to read a book instead of looking at my phone after I woke up. As I was reading I realized that in the past few years, there probably hasn't gone a day where I haven't looked at my phone. I don't feel like I have a problem using technology, it was just a realization that was kind of sobering. I am going to plan a day where I won't use my phone at all and make some plans for better things to do than randomly opiate myself with my phone.

I am going to go longboarding now because it feels like that kind of day.

Stay sober friends.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 02, 2020, 01:00:25 PM
Hey man, glad to see you're doing great and fighting the few urges that you're having. Pretty good idea of not using your phone for a day even if you think it's not really a problem. Keep it up, you're doing great.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: Jeks on May 02, 2020, 02:50:25 PM
Thats all good news faenoe.

I believe urges might never stop entirely  for an addict. I still get them sometimes, they are easy to ignore and to withstand, but they are still there. They got much better around the six months mark, that was also, when i recognized more benefits. I think they made it psychological much easier to fight the urges.

I made the same experiment with my youtube-use. Till this day i use it much less and can much more focus on stuff. But the first days were a little freaky, because of noticing unconsciously using the phone. But i use it still much less, because of the benefits, i have got from that. Its worth a try for sure.

Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 09, 2020, 06:22:47 PM
Thanks for the responses, anon and Jeks. I am currently experiencing the reality you speak of, Jeks. I am once again thrown into the stress of a full schedule for the rest the summer because I have classes. I am doing well learning the material I just have questions that I will need to let rest until Monday when I can for help. It's hard for me to stop working on my project but I really have no choice at this point since I don't know what path to take. With this being the case, the urges to look at porn have become more frequent but I feel a stronger resolve to overpower them. I have been taking better care of myself when it comes to time management and spacing up my studies with physical exercise and other activities I find enjoyable.

That's a lot to process. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure right now and I'm going to get off the computer for the rest of the weekend to give myself the best shot possible for next week when I can start progressing on my project again.

Day 54

Stay strong guys
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 13, 2020, 03:37:21 PM
Day 59

Recovery is an incredible process. It's incredibly difficult, rewarding, and, it seems, most of all, incredibly unpredictable. There is no knowing just how your recovery is going to go.

I heard this quote today while watching a youtube video: "There are parts of life that aren't pleasurable, but rewarding."

Today I am battling like never before to control my behavior. My cortisol levels are raging and telling my brain to do something to relieve the stress. I hopped on for the support and encouragement I always find here. I started working out a little bit too to hopefully help with the stress levels.

Man, my brain has been seriously wired to use porn/MO as a way to deal with stress. That is not what I want. I will choose to remain in my state of sobriety because my goal is to never leave this state again.

just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

anon, I can't tell you how much this idea has meant to me  over the past couple of days. Thank you for writing this. Once again, coming onto the forum has helped my brain get out of that destructive rut and remember the facade of destruction disguised as relief that porn truly is. Stay strong out there.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 19, 2020, 10:18:46 PM
Day 65

With the return of a high-stress school / education environment, the urges have been plaguing me more than ever. I cannot say how difficult the past week has been. Quitting porn is a decision that has to be made every single day that goes by. There is nothing more I want than to be freed from these urges to throw away everything I have worked for up to this point. I need to stay strong through this difficult time. Now is the time I fight. Now is the time I have the chance to act. Now is the time I always wish I could go back to after a relapse. I have the chance to change my life right now. I am going to do that.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 19, 2020, 11:31:27 PM
Hey man, it's great to see that you're highly motivated in spite of the stress that the educational environment brings. Keep it up, you've reached 65 days! That is amazing. Do not let some stress from school get to you. You know better now.

And I'm really glad something I said worked out for you and helped you in your journey. That's great man.

I'm rooting for you! :D
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: Jeks on May 20, 2020, 02:50:42 AM
I can very much relate to this fanoe.

Stress and frustration because of my studies were also my biggest triggers. But you have got the right mind set to get through this. Just remember: when you get through this, you will feel like a fucking super hero while studying (and in general). You will be able to work so easily on this stuff and with so much focus and concentration, because there will be nothing you are craving for in the back of your mind and thats a very freeing feeling. And i can ensure you, that the cravings will go away. For me, when cravings arise, its like a tickling for about one minute and then its just gone and i can continue with my day to day life.

Keep doing what you doing. You got this.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: zander13 on May 21, 2020, 02:14:07 PM
Great job man, you’re setting a good example for others to follow.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 26, 2020, 04:35:05 PM
DAY 72

Thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging words. They really do mean a lot. The outsider looking into a situation can sometimes bring a world of clarity to the person stuck inside. I really appreciate what you said, anon. "Do not let some stress from school get to you." That's all it is really and I don't want to sacrifice all of my progress because of "some stress from school". That would just be stupid. Thank you for your perspective. Things have been pretty stressful over the past couple of days and my brain is obviously confused about how to handle it. It doesn't want anything but porn. I don't want that though, and I get to decided what I do with my life. I am not my brain. I am not my lustful desires. I am member of this community and am proud to be a recovering addict as difficult as that is some days. Thank you Jeks, zander, and anon for the encouragement and I also wish the best for each of you.

It's interesting how I'm on here exactly one week from last time I was on. Seems like the beginning of the week are the days where I struggle with cravings the most.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 27, 2020, 12:16:46 PM
DAY 73

It's very hard to concentrate when the desire to look at porn is so unbelievably high. That is the effect that addiction has. It takes control of your life and forces all other aspects worth pursuing out--or at least, cheapens all other experiences.

This is what I signed up for when I decided to quit: the seemingly unquenchable thirst that I will not allow myself to satisfy. That is the only way. Looking at porn only provides temporary relief and everlasting regret. Worse, it makes the thirst deeper and even more unquenchable. Let no one deceive you, recovery is hard. There is no doubt that I am in the fight for my better life this very moment.

This is my message from myself to my brain, in hopes that I can convince it to let these urges go.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: Jeks on May 27, 2020, 01:10:02 PM
When you feel overwhelmed, try grabbing and hugging a pillow, so you have got something to do with your hands. Really, it helps. Was a huge help in my recovery. You got this.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 27, 2020, 06:27:16 PM
Today I relapsed. I am sad about losing my streak but I am happy that I made it 73 days this time. Feels bad to disappoint you guys but I will start again.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 27, 2020, 10:40:03 PM
Hey faenoe. Man, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you recover from this. You've been doing absolutely great so far. Just get back on the horse. I know this can make you feel like a real piece of shit. I speak from first-hand experience. But what matters most now is that you move on from this. Don't let the chaser effect get to you and know that all is not lost. You went 73 days without any porn. This has made a huge difference in your brain. Keep that in mind and continue fighting this battle. I have faith in you man. I know you can do this!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: Sanders on May 28, 2020, 09:36:24 AM
Hey Faenoe, just read through your journal and it's a pretty good journey you've made! Sorry to hear you relapsed but you made it 73 days and it's great you acknowledge that. A fresh start again, hope you can prevent the same next time and go porn-free for the rest of your life :) 73 days must have done a lot of good for your brains, hopefully it will be easier from now on. Best of luck!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on May 30, 2020, 10:36:01 PM
Lost to the chaser effect tonight. It is incredible how much self-control is eroded after a relapse. I will not be starting my counter until I consciously have and urge and decide to part ways with it.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: zander13 on June 10, 2020, 12:35:11 AM
Hey man,

Keep at it.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: kopp on June 10, 2020, 01:19:53 AM
Cool journal :) Yeah the chaser effect is something pretty horrible... Keep fighting!
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on June 10, 2020, 10:49:50 AM
Hello everyone. I apologize for my absence.

I have not given up on this fight and I will keep fighting it. This community is incredible and I have had friends from here reach out personally during my absence. Thank you all so much. Stay strong.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on June 18, 2020, 10:48:46 AM
Every time I relapse I feel horrible afterwards.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on June 22, 2020, 02:28:26 PM
Hello everyone. I have been going dealing with some major addictive issues over the past week. I am ready to start this journey again. My goal is to make it one week without PMO.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: faenoe on July 01, 2020, 10:55:58 AM
Well I made it one week. Then I relapsed.

I have noticed some of the consequences of this behavior are: not being able to focus, less satisfaction in myself, and less belief in myself to accomplish the things I want to do. Well, that really sucks. Porn is not worth it. It steals my time, it steals my opportunity to become who I want to be. It's time to stop this.

I remember during my last long streak that the urges would come and go away. I haven't had that experience this time around. Perhaps I just haven't made it far enough out yet during this round to gain that benefit of sobriety. In any case, I want to end this destructive behavior. But it is very difficult. Despite this fact, it is a fight worth fighting and a fight worth winning.
Title: Re: Recovery is an incredible process
Post by: kopp on July 22, 2020, 06:40:24 AM
Hey, how are you doing?