Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: LLTJR on September 11, 2014, 07:59:01 PM

Title: First post ... finally
Post by: LLTJR on September 11, 2014, 07:59:01 PM
This is my first post and I am glad to be here ... finally. The "great porn experiment" TED talk made a big impression on me and that was 6 months and several major porn/masturbation episodes ago. The fact is that I have had monthly episodes of some sort for over 30 years and I am choosing 9/11 to declare freedom from terrorism from the influence and effect of porn in my life.

Though outwardly there is no indication that my life at 52 years, 28 years married, four kids raised, a respectable professional reputation built, is anything but on target and on track, I have deep regret and about the energy, heart, time, attention, integrity, self-respect, and personal power I have lost through the years at the hand of the cycles of porn/M that I have engaged in. It is a sick tragedy and at the same time a lot of failed efforts to change that have brought me to this point.

I have put this posting off for some time with the confidence that I can yet beat it using yet another method (I feel I have tried them all). At the same time I have never opened up to more than a few trusted guys in my church about how I have suffered with it. Let today be a new day and a way that I can make a fresh start.

I was struck by a piece of advice on this site regarding the intention to make porn a non-possibility for the rest of my life. I can honestly say I am not there but realize I would like to get there, asap. Any thoughts about getting to that level of conviction? I have actually done it with a few other things in my life (sugar consumption) and have reaped the benefits. I would like to apply it now to the very thing that reduces me to a loaf of bread--the power that porn has to take me over and make me a slave.

OK, today 9/11 is my day of a new start. Here we go. Thank you to all who might read this and offer your experience and encouragement.
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: Myformerself on September 11, 2014, 09:12:17 PM
Congratulations on make the decision to get in control of your life, and in finding this site.  I have really found this community to be very helpful in my journey (as short as it is!).    Similar to yourself, on the outside I seem to have a great life, wonderful wife, three great kids and a great career.  But, man, that porn beast had/has a serious hold on me.  I shudder to think of the total number of hours of this short time on earth I wasted with my PMO sessions.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, keep up that "porn is not an option" attitude and you'll do great.  but in the meantime we're all here to cheer and encourage you on! 
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: rider654321 on September 12, 2014, 01:51:22 AM
Congratulations on taking the first step. You are in the right place, so read as much as you possibly can. In the journals there are gems of wisdom, and reading them you won't feel so alone.

Myformerself ..... what you said about the amount of wasted hours? I just gave that a bit of thought and realised mine would have to be in the thousands of hours. What a waste.   
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: Havetodothis40 on September 12, 2014, 08:51:27 AM
Welcome to the club!

The porn is not an option mind set is something you have to work on and make the decision.  What is working for me is recognizing what is actually triggering the issues. For me it is stress, emotions and general life.  I used it as a way to shut down and escape.

I have relapsed a lot recently.  Each time was due to stress and emotions.  I have come to the conclusion that is up to me on how I react to these situations.  I can either continue down the PMO path and extend the situation I am in, or I can deal with the stress in various healthy ways.  I find exercise, coming here, and writing about the situation have helped me the most.
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: LLTJR on September 12, 2014, 10:32:41 AM
Thank you to those who responded. Each of your comments is valuable. it was cool to come to the site and see people who get it and are in the fight.

Actually the fight metaphor has never really worked for me. It seems I can "win the battle", string together 30-50 days, and then continue to lose the war. The night comes when I willingly do the things that lead me down a path that I imagine I can handle but I can't. e.g. web searches on certain celebrities, photos of female anatomy etc. A trigger or two and I am down. The idea of a permanent brain/thinking change is still a distant fantasy. This lack of belief is what really stands in the way. Once again, it's the "porn is not an option" mindset that I want. Maybe starts with a deep acceptance of Dirty Harry's (?) advice ... a man has got to know his limitations...

Anyway, one day down we go
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: rider654321 on September 17, 2014, 11:52:06 PM
How are you getting on LLTJR. It's almost a week since you began your reboot. I hope your going well.

Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: LLTJR on September 19, 2014, 08:42:03 AM
Thanks for asking Rider. So far, it has been a successful reboot in terms of what I have done. The things in my mind are another story. Constant replay of scenes from videos, still pictures of young girls doing ridiculous things and of course interactions with live women, scantily clad. I have had temptations along the way to MO but so far so good. Best thing I did was tell my wife about my last big episode and the decision to join Reboot Nation and the kind of support i am getting here. She took it well and we have been able to talk causally about my issues rather than it turn into a big drama. I feel like we are getting on the same page with this and that I have a friend on the subject, not someone I feel guilty about about or am afraid to share with. It has not always ben that way. After 27 years of marriage, I guess new things become possible.

Overall I feel I need a desert island for 12 months to clear my brain.

Keep going strong on your reboot. You're the man!

Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: Jijnyasu on September 19, 2014, 09:30:24 AM
I'm really glad to hear it's going well. I've heard several people share similar accounts, and it's exactly the same for me. Just telling yourself that porn isn't on the agenda is one thing, and surprisingly easy. It's everything else. There's a lot rattling around in our heads after so many years of doing this. It won't all go away in a few days.
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: LLTJR on January 06, 2015, 01:39:45 PM
Well my counter said 116 days. And the streak came to end yesterday. Good news is I spend most of the Fall porn free and masturbation free. Bad news is that I am at 0. I am drained of motivation right now, but not discouraged. In fact I have given good thought as to what brought about the fall. There were some holiday things that led me there including more movies, eating sugar (which is a image/fantasy trigger for me) and just more time to be sitting around and idle. It was a moment having my guard down and my phone unfortunately ready to punch up what I was looking for.

Ironically, I have been reading a good book related to this subject, "The WillPower Instinct" which I recommend. There are clearly no magic bullets. Health, awareness, and accountability all help and I am thankful for this site and all the energy that goes into it. It has made a difference in my life!

I plan to check in more and not be deceived by overconfidence.
Title: Re: First post ... finally
Post by: Fappy on January 07, 2015, 02:13:16 AM
Wow! 116 days!? Thats still a massive accomplishment mate!
After so long thats just a little slip. Not a reset and not an end. Just a little fall from which you got straight back up from!