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Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:02:48 AM

Title: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:02:48 AM
Hi,
I'm 20 and I think i'm very fortunate.
I started with PMO at 13. I almost always masturbated with porn. But I didn't considered myself an addict. It was more like an habit, a thing that I used to do while masturbating (blame my massive disinformation).
I didn't had a girlfriend until more or less 1 month ago. Things went very fast as I knew this woman for a while before. After 1 week I had my very first time having sex, and it was....ok.
First I was anxious, not able to get it up, she told me to make lunch and retry. I did and it worked, had sex all afternoon...BUT something wasn't right.
We had other sexual encounters and I started to noticed that I wasn't very sensitive, sometimes I didn't even finished, sometimes I just went soft in the middle of sex. Horrible. Handjobs and blowjobs were like nothing, just a little stimulation, nothing else. She was frustrated and I was too, but I didn't really knew what to do.
Here kicks in my fortune.
Months ago I saved in the youtube watchlater the Tedtalk in glasgow about the great porn experiment. I was bored and I watched it. IT OPENED MY EYES. I didn't even know that delayed ejaculation existed... Went on to yourbrainonporn.org and started connecting the dots. I found a post by a guy with my exact same problem and I was a little scared at first. Than I saw he recovered in a record time of 11 days. I decided to do the same thing.

So here I am quitting porn forever, I know that there are guys out there who have bigger problems with this issue and they have all my respect.

This is my journal, I don't think it will take long to reboot

I'm currently on day 8, but I will do the journal for those first seven days too.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:10:01 AM
Day 1-2

I realized I was going to do this. I downloaded an app to stop every porn, sex or nudity to come out on the internet, preventing myself to search or stumble upon that things.
The password is my girlfriend birthday date so I always remember why I 'm doing this.

Those two days went by smoothly. Not even a trigger cause I had almost no free time. Tomorrow could be worse.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:12:48 AM
Day 3

It wasn't worse. I'm a super wrestling fan so after work while waiting for training to start I just watched a ton of it :D.
I thought female wrestlers could have triggered me, didn't happen. After training I was just exhausted, went to bed early. I'm thinking about talking to my girlfriend about this.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:21:26 AM
Day 4

I talked to her about this. She was a little stunned but she connected the dots too. She even knows people with PIED and we both thanked God I moved in time. I will see her in 7 days.
I'm not going to fap for all these days , cause I want to reboot hard mode. Talking with her on the phone made me horny. She offered me nudes because she misses me and I stopped her (with a little tear in my eye :D ).

Tonight instead of staying home doing nothing and risking a relapse I'll go to the theatre with my mom so I make her happy once.

I think I'm doing the right thing. Today I woke up to a great morning wood, it didn't happen in a looong time. Plus I was filled with energy.

I'm a freakin' terminator

Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:24:19 AM
Day 5

Woke up 1 hour before the alarm with a stiff morning wood! Yee-Haw.

I filled my day with stuff to do with my friends. I'll play football, go to the stadium and socialize in the evening.

This day went by without triggers or temptations.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:37:37 AM
Day 6

My brain scared me. Last night in bed I imagined to search for porn. I calmed down and I did a little meditation exercise focusing myself on the breathe. It just went away but wow it was powerful and unexpected.
I woke up with a stronger boner and straight up jumped to my day. I worked in an arena and there were some very cute girls. I had some dirty thought flash into my mind but I made it go away.

Did girls always looked at me that much? I'm beginning to notice this
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 29, 2019, 09:50:11 AM
Day 7

I woke up without a boner (I hope nothing is wrong).
I filled my day but in the evening I was very excited, I just resisted. Put on a kids movie until I went to bed.
I miss my girlfriend, I thought of her limiting the sexual fantasies with the help of meditation.
I didn't really trigger during the day even if a stupid mobile game almost did.

I'm reading other stories and journals and I continue to feel very fortunate. I have an admiration for those people who have PIED and are fighting to get back on track. They are my motivation to make me reply:" Shut the hell up!"  to that voice that goes like:"You're not really addicted, just give up you're a stupid man".

The day I'll met her will probably be the ultimate test. If I manage to cum with a BJ I will consider my delayed ejaculation cured.

This evening I took the touch test and it worked. The only things I had in mind during it were a Pearl Jam song (Porch) and little flashes of her eyes and face. But during almost the whole thing I just thought how good it felt.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 30, 2019, 11:41:51 AM
Day 8

I think I had a flatline today. I was not motivated for nothing and no boner in the morning. I did the things that I had to do without enthusiasm. I avoided porn? Yes
I masturbated? No
But the "Terminator feeling" has passed.
I was stupidly afraid that I've "involuntarily relapsed" but a thing like that doesn't even exist.
Sexual thoughts have a peak when I am in bed.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I'm realizing that this journal is more of a way to talk to myself.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 31, 2019, 11:45:41 AM
Day 9

Today wasn't great but it was ok.
I started a little down but ended up having fun. I had a little time to think in the afternoon and realized that I have a lot of things to be thankful for, so I must concentrate on those.
This evening I had a dinner with my two best friends because my house was empty and I didn't want any temptation. Temptations occur, sometimes the thought of seeking some porn gets into my head. Probably my delayed ejaculation is almost totally cured, but I think that I'm far from a total reboot.
I guess it will just take a little longer.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on January 31, 2019, 04:36:20 PM
Day 10

Tomorrow I will see her. Tomorrow i will know if my delayed ejaculation is still a problem, I have a very good feeling about this, but only time will tell.
This day I went to work after dreaming about kissing. Still no boner this morning but I was woke up by the alarm and I read that it's normal in this cases. I try not to think about this thing I'm doing, but I can't. I don't have porn thoughts but I have the voice that says: "Why not PMO right now?"
I am living some typical circumstances of my life in which I usually did PMO and the temptation to do it are just there. I send them back but I'm realizing how much of an addict I was. Damn it's bad.
I'm far from the total rewire but I'm gonna make it. After the last two days I'm smiling again, maybe it's just that I know what will happen tomorrow.
Now I'll go straight to bed trying to not think at anything
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 03, 2019, 04:41:33 AM
Day 11

It's different.
I had sex with my girlfriend today and it was different. Better in any way, the greatest difference was how stiff I was and how much more sensitive I was.
My reboot is not complete, but my problems are gone I think.
What I really noticed was that I had way more fun and we were happy together, we weren't stressed at all.

Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 03, 2019, 04:57:33 AM
Day 12

At the beginning of my journal I said I wanted to cure my DE, and I did. I think this forum and site are a blessing. We are just accepting PMO these days and it's so wrong. Like I said in the beginning I thought it was just an habit, nearly everyone does it, it cannot hurt right? WRONG

My journey in rebooting is not ended, I feel that is not complete. I can tell you that I want to stay the hell away from porn forever.
I'll stop writing daily but I'll keep this journal updated if I feel I need to write something. I have to say it really helped me writing my thoughts. I encourage everyone that starts rebooting to write, maybe not in the forum, even on a piece of paper. Making the point on the day and letting the thoughts out of your head is a great way to understand yourself better.

If anyone has followed this journal I thank you for your time and patience.

Do or not do there is no try...

I did

You can do it too  :)
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 06, 2019, 08:06:32 AM
Just a quick post.
Last evening (day 15) I came from a BJ for the first time and it was epic.
Staying away from porn is easy now and porn thoughts are just scratches on the back of the head.

This site changed my life.
Thank you everyone.

Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Rebooter2019 on February 06, 2019, 11:22:30 AM
Hey demin, just to tell you that I'm happy that you recovered from your sexual problem cause by P.

Never stop to be careful there's something called PAWS(post acute withdrawal symptom) that may appear even years after you stop watching P. Just want to warn you, so you can stay on the right path  ;)

Stay strong :)
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Rakses on February 06, 2019, 11:25:22 AM
Yo buddy congratulations on your progress. Don't keep your guards down tho! ;) And don't follow any sexual thoughts if they appear.
Wish you effortless reboot period!
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on April 09, 2019, 09:13:44 AM
Day 77

That was F*cking close

I almost did reboot, I intentionally let my guard down, those withdrawals came to me like a f'n shotgun round.
At first I was just curious on what my internet blocker really blocked and typed names of pornstar on google.
There I saw some images of ladies in lingerie (i found lingerie one of the hottest thing existing) and I obviously got a boner. The thing stopped there but then the next day I did it again, and then again. I realized "Sh*t, this better not become an habit but it just kept coming. Until yesterday where (f*ck I can't believe I'm saying this) I removed the blocker by TYPING MY GIRLFRIEND BIRTHDAY DATE that is my password and watched two porn scenes and some gifs.

Now, here comes the interesting part.

First thing I got, boner , not complete boner.
Then after 1 minute of watching other people having sex I realized (thank you God) how fake that was and my boner went down like dow jones in 2007.
So what I did is : I reblocked my phone. And put it aside.
I was in bed, I learned in these 77 days how to masturbate correctly. So I masturbated the right way, shutting out the fantasies and focusing on sensibility.

I felt like I dodged a f*cking bullet. I am not considering this a relapse, because I didn't jacked off to porn.

But there is another part. Just 1 hour ago I did the same thing. I searched for porn, I removed the blocker and watched it. It took me 30 seconds to stop watching, really.
But I figured out that I still have a problem. So I went back to this beautiful site and I read my journal again. There are things that I didn't considered in these "almost relapse" days, like the feeling of being a f*cking loser.

I am telling the truth, one part of me misses watching porn, I don't know why , I am sexually active with a beautiful girl, but maybe the brain isn't fully detoxicated yet.

I HAVE TO BE STRONG

SO

I WILL BE STRONG

F*CK PORN REAL DEAL IS BETTER!
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on April 09, 2019, 09:14:55 AM
P.s. sorry for the language but I am legitimately scared of losing all the hard work and that is how I usually react
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: mym8marty on April 14, 2019, 11:25:25 PM
No need to apologize for language man. This is an emotional site and some words are better at carrying emotions than others.

Congrats on your progress and don't beat yourself up about your close call, treat it as a reminder of how dangerous that shit can be.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 09, 2019, 05:40:47 PM
It has been a while since the last time and some things have happened. I didn't write anything before because I was ashamed and I was convinced that I could go through it by myself. I was wrong.
I have successfully rebooted, I was living at 100% I was invincible and I had big morning woods every morning but then I sllipped once. Then I did it again the day after and the day after again, that for five days. I stopped and took a breath, promised me I would never do it again. I began no PMO for 5 days, on the sixth I was back at it again. Fuck. Boredom hit me and I was down. I was feeling quite lonely, although I have a girlfriend she would have been very out of town for 1 month. I turned back almost to the old habit. Then one day I took the touch test. I failed. Fuck. I had to do something about it. I tried staying without P. I couldn't. I never had cravings when I rebooted the first time but now I had. Real urges telling me to watch some P to get aroused. i realized it but I couldn't help myself. I've found a hole in my internet protection app. Damn. I went back and forth for a little than my girl came back. Sex helped me staying away from P. I was very afraid to have gone back to my DE problems. I wasn't, but I wasn't the healthy man that I was before this relapse.

Now I'm in a sort of Limbo and I really don't know how to stop myself again. I want to be porn free. Maybe writing this post is the thing that I had to do to start again.

The biggest downer is that in this limbo I already told myself ten times that I would stop with porn... I hate the fact that I'm probably addicted. I have to get over it. I have to. For my girlfriend and especially for myself
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: BlueHeronFan on June 09, 2019, 05:54:41 PM
Hey man, sorry to hear about your struggles. That's a rough story, but we're here to help.

It sounds like a lot has been going on, so I don't really have something to say that will fix things, but addiction is difficult and it will get us when we let our guard down for even a second. For me, it helps a lot to just focus on one day at a time. I don't what tomorrow will bring, but I can get through today without PMO. Just focus on today, every day. The urges/cravings are really intense and really difficult to deal with, but they don't last forever. If you can get through them, they'll eventually wear off for a while. Learning that I can get through those waves of cravings has been a huge help to my progress.

Keep going, man!
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 10, 2019, 07:30:59 AM
Thanks BluHeronFan I will listen to your advice.
One day at a time. It's exactly what I did the first time I rebooted. One day at a time. Words to live by  :D

Right now it's day 1, because yesterday I slipped again, wrote the long post afterwards, I was on day 5.

One day at a time.
I love you all
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Lero on June 10, 2019, 07:35:52 AM
The urges/cravings are really intense and really difficult to deal with, but they don't last forever. If you can get through them, they'll eventually wear off for a while. Learning that I can get through those waves of cravings has been a huge help to my progress.
I've realized that if I went through a round of urges, they seemed to go away for a while. They would eventually return so it was like coming in waves. But I sabotage myself with edging during urges.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Lero on June 10, 2019, 07:40:24 AM
The biggest downer is that in this limbo I already told myself ten times that I would stop with porn... I hate the fact that I'm probably addicted.

That's the problem with those fucking addictions. Paths are created in the brain to "remember" the addiction and it could wake up anytime, even when we think we are done with. I've seen this happening to many guys. They though they were healed now only to return back to their old routine without even realizing. It's a tightrope situation and we have to be careful all the time.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 12, 2019, 07:37:19 AM
I'm writing this on the middle of day 3

Day 2 has passed very well, it was a happy day and in the evening I went out with my girl to eat an ice cream, we ended up making out on a bench and then back home. Making my way home walking and upstairs I had this little f*cking douchebag of a voice saying:"Go PMO"
I took that little s*it and threw it out the window.
This morning I had sex twice. I have to say that I remember how it was before relapsing and I'm not even close. My sensitivity has decreased a little and my boners are not strong as they used to be. Sex is still very satisfying however and drains all my horniness away (and rightfully so).

After all I'm just thinking, was it worth it? Was it worth it to fall in to the hole of porn again? Thinking "I'm over it and I can live with it"
No it f*cking wasn't. Cause now I made a step back on my sex health and I feel super guilty.

I want to reboot. One day at a time
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on June 13, 2019, 05:56:10 AM
Thank you deminounrae for your reply in my journal - you have such a hard nickname, haha.

That's nice that after sex you get rid of horniness. I have completely different feelings. Usually I'd like to watch porn more because od chaser effect, have you heard about this?

It's an awesome idea to support each other. Indeed our stories are similar.

I'm going to checking your progress so don't disappoint me! :D
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 13, 2019, 12:26:37 PM
Day 4

The second half of day 3 was fun. I hung out with my friends and my girl. I drank some alcohol in the evening and then went straight to bed. No little voices, no urges nothing.
Today I woke up with a strong MW and I had to sit down and wait for it to pass before going to the bathroom :D.
Rest of the day I was at work, in a few hours I'll go play football with friends. I don't think I'll even have the energy to think at PMO.

One day at a time

Thank you Dusty. I won't disappoint you
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 14, 2019, 06:53:56 AM
Day 5

As I said, I didn't even think about doing PMO last night.
Today I woke up ten minutes before the alarm with MW. I talk about it because for me it's an indication that things are going fine. Before rebooting I very rarely had one. Having it almost every morning is a relief, for me is the proof that I'm healthy.
Then I went training I had lunch and now I'm at work. Tonight I'm going to something that we can call "a party in the woods". So there's no chance for any P.

Tomorrow I'll have sex and I'm curious if in these 2 days something has changed
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 17, 2019, 12:37:43 AM
Day 6

Sex has changed a bit, I'm not more sensitive but erections are stronger. I went to the sea and I can say that some girls are difficult to watch without getting a little horny, but when I see them I don't have any porn fantasy in mind or urges to PMO which I think it's good. In the evening I went to a party and although there were alcohol and girls, the moment I went to bed the last thing I thought was P. I see this as a step forward
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 17, 2019, 12:54:30 AM
Day 7

I spent the entire day at a cosplay fair. I was in a stand with some friends and I saw a lot of things. Again, some girls make me horny, but my mind doesn't fly around porn and in reality I don't have fantasies, it's just a stimuli. When everything ended and I went to bed, for not even a second I thought of PMO even if I had some sex thoughts but mostly about my girl
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 18, 2019, 07:42:07 AM
Day 8

I was tempted but I resisted. I ended up MO'ing in the afternoon, but I used no P and no fantasies at all. I accept that, for me there's nothing wrong, I just need to stay vigilant. The rest of the day went by, in the evening I was tempted again of watching P but I didn't so I'm ok.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Lero on June 18, 2019, 10:25:54 AM
Every good step is a step forward. Don't think about it like: "Fuck, man! Those urges are killing me!" Think about it like: "I' just passed a round of urges. I can do this. I'll give myself a high five." You see what I'm saying? It's focusing on how hard the urges are vs focusing on the fact that you pass them.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: LeanAndBop on June 18, 2019, 11:48:45 AM
Hi,
I'm 20 and I think i'm very fortunate.
I started with PMO at 13. I almost always masturbated with porn. But I didn't considered myself an addict. It was more like an habit, a thing that I used to do while masturbating (blame my massive disinformation).
I didn't had a girlfriend until more or less 1 month ago. Things went very fast as I knew this woman for a while before. After 1 week I had my very first time having sex, and it was....ok.
First I was anxious, not able to get it up, she told me to make lunch and retry. I did and it worked, had sex all afternoon...BUT something wasn't right.
We had other sexual encounters and I started to noticed that I wasn't very sensitive, sometimes I didn't even finished, sometimes I just went soft in the middle of sex. Horrible. Handjobs and blowjobs were like nothing, just a little stimulation, nothing else. She was frustrated and I was too, but I didn't really knew what to do.
Here kicks in my fortune.
Months ago I saved in the youtube watchlater the Tedtalk in glasgow about the great porn experiment. I was bored and I watched it. IT OPENED MY EYES. I didn't even know that delayed ejaculation existed... Went on to yourbrainonporn.org and started connecting the dots. I found a post by a guy with my exact same problem and I was a little scared at first. Than I saw he recovered in a record time of 11 days. I decided to do the same thing.

So here I am quitting porn forever, I know that there are guys out there who have bigger problems with this issue and they have all my respect.

This is my journal, I don't think it will take long to reboot

I'm currently on day 8, but I will do the journal for those first seven days too.

Hey I've been there with the insensitivity. I literally couldn't finish after hours of sex. Eventually, after less PMO I got the sensitivity and now its no issue.
Hope you're good
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 19, 2019, 07:41:47 AM
Every good step is a step forward. Don't think about it like: "Fuck, man! Those urges are killing me!" Think about it like: "I' just passed a round of urges. I can do this. I'll give myself a high five." You see what I'm saying? It's focusing on how hard the urges are vs focusing on the fact that you pass them.

Wow that's a great new point of view. Thanks man!

Day 9

As I'm writing this I'm figuring out that 9 days are great!
I had a full , almost all fun day. I woke up in the morning (with a MW) , went training, I had sex and then jumped to work, after work I went to the cinema with my friends and then I went to bed. Before sleeping I usually had cravings of porn if had the cellphone in hand, but yesterday I just watched some comedic skits and that was it. I'm beginning to have the hard erections I had before slipping and it's great.

To Lero: yes I'm good now and sex is incredibly great but I have to keep the guard up, that's why I'm keeping the journal
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Do or die on June 19, 2019, 08:25:14 AM
So be aware and write down your urges. Because you have new urges also in day 9 to day 50.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on June 19, 2019, 11:02:56 AM
Every good step is a step forward. Don't think about it like: "Fuck, man! Those urges are killing me!" Think about it like: "I' just passed a round of urges. I can do this. I'll give myself a high five." You see what I'm saying? It's focusing on how hard the urges are vs focusing on the fact that you pass them.

Wow that's a great new point of view. Thanks man!

Day 9

As I'm writing this I'm figuring out that 9 days are great!
I had a full , almost all fun day. I woke up in the morning (with a MW) , went training, I had sex and then jumped to work, after work I went to the cinema with my friends and then I went to bed. Before sleeping I usually had cravings of porn if had the cellphone in hand, but yesterday I just watched some comedic skits and that was it. I'm beginning to have the hard erections I had before slipping and it's great.

To Lero: yes I'm good now and sex is incredibly great but I have to keep the guard up, that's why I'm keeping the journal

That's really good man. Keep going, beautiful journey ahead I think :D
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 21, 2019, 08:27:18 AM
Day 10-11

I had sex on day 10, which was until then a very boring day. I'm feeling way more comfortable now and I had plenty of fun doing it. I went to bed at 3 AM because of it and the day after (day 11) I was just like a Zombie all day ahahah (nobody ever laughs in this journals, I hope I will be the first of many). So the day went by between naps , work and a long, almost devastating, training in the late afternoon. I just collapsed in the bed. So no. No PMO
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 24, 2019, 01:33:01 AM
Day 14

These 3 days have passed well, I was super busy. On day 13 I decided to MO because I wanted to and something in my mind told me to watch porn. I didn't do it and I ended the right way. Now I know that my brain is still associating masturbation to porn. The simple way out will be no M for a while.
I was wondering how can a thing like P fuck you up so much. I personally have been desensitized by it. I recovered from that condition. Fell into it again just for two weeks and two weeks was enough to lose the MWs and having some trouble finishing again. Now that I'm back on track I'm feeling way better, but knowing that I have pathways in my brain is a little scary. I remember what it was like falling into it again... It started has a slip, I have watched some videos that said a slip is not a total relapse, if you're not bingeing you're ok just be careful. I have to say I wasn't feeling guilty, I was alright. Then the day after I was there again and just like that I knew I was hooked. In that moments I was like a spectator I knew it wasn't right but I did it. I lost a lot of my self-esteem in the process. I was proud of my streak and I had it broken in two days. I continued going back and forth not being able to stay away from it. Then, just like the first time, it was my girl who saved me. We had sex on her return and I knew that I wasn't sensitive as I was, that wasn't the erection I had before breaking the streak of no P.
So here I am doing it again because I want to be healty and be free from any addiction. I had to get it off my chest
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Lero on June 24, 2019, 03:41:28 AM
Day 14

These 3 days have passed well, I was super busy. On day 13 I decided to MO because I wanted to and something in my mind told me to watch porn. I didn't do it and I ended the right way. Now I know that my brain is still associating masturbation to porn. The simple way out will be no M for a while.

This happens to a lot of people around here. They can't masturbate because they go back to PMO, including myself. There is always this debate about whether we should masturbate or not but I guess everybody could just ask their own question if they pay attention. If you see that masturbation pushed you back to P, forget about it, at least for a period of time.

Quote
I was wondering how can a thing like P fuck you up so much. I personally have been desensitized by it. I recovered from that condition. Fell into it again just for two weeks and two weeks was enough to lose the MWs and having some trouble finishing again. Now that I'm back on track I'm feeling way better, but knowing that I have pathways in my brain is a little scary.

Those pathways are there like a "memory". We could stay away from P for a long time but we could easily wake up those pathways and return back to it. This could piss you off but I like what Blue Heron said: I try to live my life like a former addict who handles it because I could never live like P has never existed. We have to manage it and be careful because we could easily return back to it. Have you heard of alcoholics or drug addicts who started using again after like 20 years? That's right. It's the fucking pathways.

Quote
I have watched some videos that said a slip is not a total relapse, if you're not bingeing you're ok just be careful.


This actually saved my life. I was burying myself, relapsing and feeling devastated, super depressed and so on. Starting to see one PMO as a step back only and not the end of the world, saved me. But binges or returning back to the PMO frequency is a total relapse for sure.

All right, man, good luck with this. You have 2 weeks.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on June 24, 2019, 04:41:50 AM
two weeks without porn is great. MO is a hard topic for me. Sometimes it really helps but you have to be so careful with this. First of all masturbating to porn connected memories is so bad for us. I explain it to myself like that: 'it's much better to MO than PMO then if i really can't handle the temptation MO is my ultimate solution to avoid porn".

Take care
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on June 28, 2019, 04:18:09 AM
Hey, how is it going deminounrae?
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 30, 2019, 06:38:54 PM
Hi

I hope things are going well for you because for me they are not. I slipped once 3 days ago and today again twice.
It's strange, the first slip was almost called for. Hundreds of things that accumulated to the point where I PMO'd. Today itnwas just that I needed a release valve and I fell back into temptation again. I know it's not the end of the world but I am a little sick of this back and forth condition I'm in.

When I rebooted the first time I was super motivated and I lasted all those days until I played with fire and got burned.

From that day on I'm doing this Porn free life but I'm not that motivated because I still feel healthy, but I know that porn is bad. So this lack of strong motivations keeps me in this sort of limbo. In 2 days time I'll be free from all duties and so will be my girl, so I think I'll be porn free for quite a while. Only time will tell. Sorry if I've let someone down
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on July 01, 2019, 03:16:38 AM
From that day on I'm doing this Porn free life but I'm not that motivated because I still feel healthy, but I know that porn is bad. So this lack of strong motivations keeps me in this sort of limbo. In 2 days time I'll be free from all duties and so will be my girl, so I think I'll be porn free for quite a while. Only time will tell. Sorry if I've let someone down

But you'll see dome day that you're not really healthy. Maybe you'll still be able to have sex and so on, but porn fucks our minds. For sure. I think that no constant porn user can be really happy ever. I'm pretty sure about this. Because you only find a happinness in porn and sex.

I believe in you deminounrae.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 01, 2019, 04:52:17 AM
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for! I know it seems impossible, but you've got this. You've dealt with it for this long, you can keep going. It gets better. I want to tell you how proud i am of you and how far you've come- even if you don't believe in yourself. I can't promise it'll get better tomorrow- but i can promise we will be there with you on your hardest days
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on July 01, 2019, 05:27:42 AM
Thank you so much.

You almost made me cry... I think that now I have the motivations I needed
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on July 04, 2019, 10:28:56 AM
Just to say that everything is fine and porn is the last thing I'm thinking of right now.

It's 4 days now
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: dusty on July 05, 2019, 03:19:52 AM
Good news!  :D
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Do or die on July 07, 2019, 02:17:22 PM
Control yourself . you can do it for 400 days if you make your mentality for 400 days . just trust yourself and control your mind.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on July 10, 2019, 04:33:21 PM
I'm on day 9

Two days ago I had a super strong temptation, I almost fell. I had to MO to calm down. Now I'm back to normal. I try to keep super busy cause it works. I almost fell again but I didn't.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on July 11, 2019, 06:06:14 AM
Be proud of yourself for how hard you are trying. . Sometimes, your day isn't "challenging". It just plain sucks. Some days are hard and stupid and full of mistakes. And other people make you want to throw breakable objects at the wall. It's okat to curl up for a little bit so you can regroup. You'll get 'em tomorrow, tiger  :)
Stay gold my friend  :)
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: polish_bear_65 on July 22, 2019, 03:51:37 PM
Do or do not. There is no try. That is a solid statement.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 14, 2020, 08:06:35 PM
A long long time has passed and I am in deep shit.
I fell again but this time I am really hooked, more than I ever was. I'm trying everyday to quit but the best streak I have now is 1 day. This has happened already 20 times, 20 times I said I quit, 20 times I was back.
I moved alone in another state, I currently have no job so most of the days I'm just in my room and the temptation is there.
I failed the touch test.
The bad part is that life is going very good, except for the job part but that is just a momentary thing, all the things that I think are more important for me right now are going great. So why don't I just get rigged of this addiction?

I am making a statement to anyone who wants to read.
I am rebooting again.
I have to, before it's too late.

I had some really important people in my life telling me: you fall 100 times you get up 101

I will get up

It will be very difficult, much more than it was the first time, but I can do it.

Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 17, 2020, 06:24:54 AM
Day 1

One very busy day. I helped with a wrestling event so I woke up and went. I wasn-t home until 11 PM so I ate something and went to sleep. I had no time to have cravings.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 17, 2020, 06:31:07 AM
Day 2

Today I woke up and phoned home, first my mom then my girlfriend. I wasn't triggered by my girlfriend (sometimes has happened) because we talked about serious stuff. After lunch I went to the gym and probably if I didn't I would have just relapsed. Stupid music videos at the gym got me triggered a bit but, since I was in a public place nothing could happen. I went home had dinner and straight away managed to play DnD via Skype with some friends. Again I think that distracted my mind from cravings. After that I pratically went straight to sleep cause I was too tired from the gym. I am meditating to do hard mode or not. I know myself and staying too much time without MO doesn't work well for me, so I'll just go by feeling. I managed to do two days, I'm happy for that
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 18, 2020, 11:38:20 AM
Day 3

I played smart, since I know my cravings come after lunch. I stayed home being as productive as possible in the morning and went out to do the groceries in the afternoon, after that I went straight to training, then dinner then bed. I had thoughts before going out but that's about it. I managed to get through 3 days! I still haven't MO'd we'll see what tomorrow brings
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 19, 2020, 06:36:28 AM
Day 4

This was a difficult day. I had to stay home until training so I watched something really long and interesting and then I played some non trigger videogames and read a book. I went to training came back home had dinner and I went to sleep. I managed to get through the day even if the cravings were very strong in the afternoon.
It seemed impossible to me 1 week ago

I noticed that I don't have cravings for an O I have cravings for watching P and that is a bit disturbing.
Also MW are not showing up.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on February 20, 2020, 07:49:10 AM
Day 5

Today I've passed a job interview! I was so happy that i've stayed outside all day. Didn't exercised today but I've watched a fil I have always adored as a kid after dinner. before going to bed I had massive cravings and almost fell. I managed to switch off my pc before doing something stupid but I was too horny and I MO'd before sleeping. I did responsibly and thinking just about feelings. THe strange fact is that I really struggled sleeping I was drowning in ideas and stuff. Luckily no P thoughts or something like that...

I got through another day I am happy
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Jeks on February 20, 2020, 12:12:36 PM
Good job on not relapsing to porn. Watch out for the chaser effect.
Restless mind and too much thoughts were symptoms ive also had. Often it helped me to write them down, so i dont have the obligation to hold on to them in my mind. Good job on your job interview.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: IamMayor on February 20, 2020, 02:58:45 PM
A long long time has passed and I am in deep shit.
I fell again but this time I am really hooked, more than I ever was. I'm trying everyday to quit but the best streak I have now is 1 day. This has happened already 20 times, 20 times I said I quit, 20 times I was back.
I moved alone in another state, I currently have no job so most of the days I'm just in my room and the temptation is there.
I failed the touch test.
The bad part is that life is going very good, except for the job part but that is just a momentary thing, all the things that I think are more important for me right now are going great. So why don't I just get rigged of this addiction?

I am making a statement to anyone who wants to read.
I am rebooting again.
I have to, before it's too late.

I had some really important people in my life telling me: you fall 100 times you get up 101

I will get up

It will be very difficult, much more than it was the first time, but I can do it.

I read your whole journal , Lol you have been on quite a journey and I would like to congratulate you ,it takes a lot of courage and self determination to put in all the effort you have. I noticed how you have been dealing with multiple relapses and all and IMO it has just been a simple case of The Chaser Effect ,its no big deal unless it is fed.
Having an urge is not a problem its paying it attention that should worry us. Since you have now been separated from your GF I too can confirm its no easy situation but it is also the best time to get a lot of your stuff in order. Addiction wise or other 'personal' wise this is the time to get all that introspection going.

I know you will do well. Keep up the fight and live through each and every urge as a battle you have to and will win.
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on May 23, 2020, 07:47:55 AM
This is not the first time I write here but I needed to talk to someone. Covid has actually brought me back home so now I can stay with my GF , we don't live together but we see each other multiple times in a week.
I'm having an amazing time with her both emotionally and sexually BUT I still can't get rid of the addiction, going past a week is so very difficult when day 7 hits I just can't resist. Usually in the weekend we can't see each other and there is were I almost always fall. I'm trying to think at doing something else when I feel the urge but I struggle so much in putting these things to practice (these things are : finishing a book, write stories, prepare stuff for my DnD or workout).
Today I was in the situation where it just hit me , I was home alone, after my GF said to me at the last minute that we couldn't meet each other (not by her fault) and I just relapsed, I tried to fight it but I just.... couldn't
After it I felt so bad , I felt so sad deep inside...
Two days ago I tried to spread awareness on P addiction to some of my friends and I wanted to be a good example, but I just couldn't....

I'm sorry I had to write this, I hope that someone reads it, I would really need some motivation right now. I don't know if talking to my GF would fix it...

With that said, I'm not going to give up, I have made a promess and I am going to respect it , I will be free
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on May 31, 2020, 08:47:24 AM
I'm continuing to fall into relapses, but now I can most definitely say that I know what times and in what circumstances I am the most vulnerable.
I want to make this statement: I will not watch P from now on

I'm putting my willpower into it, because I didn't do it in the last 2 months

I can do it
I will do it
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on June 06, 2020, 08:52:18 AM
If I fell so many times back into it, then it is the right thing to do. If it wasn't such a problem I could just get rid of it like nothing, but it's not, it's difficult and it's a physical urge I feel. So with this little reminder for myself I want to say

Do it, keep pushing
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: jhonjordan on June 06, 2020, 09:47:21 AM
Hi deminounrae

I trust that you can overcome it, what has worked for me is accepting how bad I feel when I don't masturbate. It is real that when I masturbate I generate an instant pleasure that I do not get with anything else. But just as you get up every morning when you want to stay in bed, you can overcome this addiction

You have our full support!
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: Sanders on June 06, 2020, 11:04:02 AM
Hey Deminounrae,

Though things to deal with! You're honest about your relapses which is great, it's also good you're trying to work out where they're coming from. Turning towards porn is an escape to actually face our feelings and emotions in many cases. Where you experienced the dissapointment and loneliness because your GF wasn't able to see you, you turned to porn to cheer you up. What helped for me was a TED talk which I don't remember the name of anymore (sorry). In that talk, the concept of curiousity towards feelings and emotions was discussed. Instead of acting on your urges, just take a breath and try to analyse what's going on inside of you. Try to identify the different emotions and feelings and just experience what they bring to your body. Then try to choose what's really right for you, face your fears or turn to porn and be dissapointed with yourself again. Don't mean to be too hard on you, just sharing what helped me :)

Good luck!
Title: Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
Post by: deminounrae on September 16, 2020, 04:08:25 AM
I'm back in the forum after a long long time.
Things are not going great.
While I was in quarantine I almost fell into depression, I had everything but I wasn't able to do the thing I really wanted, I had no joy doing anything and I PMO'd a lot of times, doing it just made me sad but I couldn't stop. It was never a binge watch, maybe it was just once per week. I was able to see my GF very often and I didn't have any sexual disfunction. It was just the mind not being in the right place. I also became a bit more evil, I was easily getting really upset about things and I had bad thoughts towards people. Then I finally managed to get back on track. I went to another city to pursue my dream of becoming a pro wrestler and even if I was a bit sad of leaving my GF and my friends again I was more happy about going back to do the things I loved.
Now I live in a house with another guy but PMO is still something I want to get rid off. My biggest fear is to for the lack of sensitivity during sex to come back again. I will go back home for a few days in two weeks and I'm trying to live porn free but it's really really hard.
I'm keeping track of progress and for now the best I did was 4 days straight. Not great right?
I'm trying to get to 5 days. What I think i'm doing wrong is that I conceded myself to MO but that really leads me into the chaser effect. I experimented with this, but I think that the only way that works for me is going no P no M no O for at least a week.
The first time I tried to go P free I didn't touch myself in 10 days and then had sex on the 11th. I didn't go back to old habits for 62 days, the greatest period of my sexual life, I have to be honest. I managed to do that after almost 8 years of PMO everyday, even multiple times. Now I can't go on for more than 4. The thing that makes me mad about all is that I talked to my GF again, telling her that I 'm reverting to this bad habit and I'm trying to break free, she was very comprehensive, but still I relapsed.
The matter is that I don't have much to do because I'm still searching for a job so I have tons of free time, I think that the whole situation can be resolved if I find a way to invest this free time. I figured out that 80% of the time I browse P because I don't have anything else to do, not much because I crave it.
I will journal my days again to keep myself on track.

I want to get rid of P usage.