Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: TNM1978SLT on October 25, 2017, 06:51:28 AM

Title: My Story
Post by: TNM1978SLT on October 25, 2017, 06:51:28 AM
I'm new here and want to start sharing my experiences of porn addiction. When I am talking about porn, I have used webcam sites as well as your usual porn film sites. I have been having counselling since January 2017 but I am slipping and beginning to struggle a bit with managing it. I want to use this journal as a means of having a community where I can share my thoughts, experiences and fears.

I’m a married father of 2 children, aged 6 & 4. I have a steady job and run my own business. I am a sex addict. It has taken me a long time to admit this fact and to find the help I need.

My first experience of porn was finding some magazines dumped in the woods when I was about 9 years old. I was with a group It was exciting to see all the pictures but the thrill of finding something which we knew was naughty was even more exciting.
I then followed the routes taken – buying magazines and films when I was 18 – all softcore things which I looked at when I was alone.
Then I discovered the wonders of the internet whilst at University. Initially, it was finding pictures of actresses in topless shots or using regular chatrooms to speak with people. If you were lucky, you would find someone like minded and talk about fantasies and what would happen if you were both together. I wasted hours in chatrooms on the internet.

Slowly, and almost unrecognisably, I was being snared by the pull of pornography online. I had bought hardcore films when I was at university in London but that meant trips into Soho which always felt sordid. I lived with a girlfriend when I started work and that was when I first discovered hardcore online. Initially I paid for it online but afterwards was always worried about having given my bank details.

I then discovered the free hardcore porn websites and this was when the problems really started. Anything and everything was there
and I didn’t have to spend money or give any details. I could spend time, usually hours, watching what I wanted, when I wanted. I didn’t think I had a problem and if someone had said to me I was addicted, I would have laughed at them. I wasn’t your typical sex addict (no friends, no job, no relationship, sitting alone in a darkened room), I was a young man with an interest in porn as most men are.

However, without realising, I had become addicted to it. I was spending more and more time watching and acting out and nothing could make me stop. I met the woman who would later become my wife and I stopped for a few months but then started watching again. I got married and vowed to stop but I was pulled back in. My daughter was born and I vowed again to stop but I didn’t. My son was born and I swore the same but whenever I was alone, I would turn the laptop on and type in the website and before I knew it I had spent 3 hours watching it.

I started my own business in 2015 and got my own office space. This gave me ideal opportunity to watch what I wanted when I wanted. I would get to the office, planning to do work but eventually I would type the website into the bar at the top of the page and I was away. Day or night, it didn’t matter. I was staying up later and not going to bed with my wife which impacted on our lives. My wife thought I had found someone else and as I was so tired, I was a horrible Dad to my children, either sitting in stony silence or shouting and screaming at them for the smallest thing. It was a horrible environment for them all to be in.

It all came to a head at the end of 2016 when I left my phone behind whilst taking the children out for dinner. While I was out, my wife had checked my internet history and found what I had been looking at. She had no idea and was devastated. My world came crashing down around me and I was faced with losing everything – my wife, my kids, my home, my job, my business.
My recovery started in January and it has been a revelation. The temptation is still there and there are some days when it is easier than others and up until recently I felt like I had control of it. However, things are beginning to slip and it is becoming more of a struggle again and I'm scared I the wheels will fall off pretty quickly.

Title: Re: My Story
Post by: Mayer on October 26, 2017, 04:43:05 AM
Hi, thanks for the share, your story is very similar to mine. I have 4 kids and kept my pornography addiction from my wife until she discovered me watching porn in July 2016. We have been through tough times, but I am recovering and things are getting better. I have urges too every now and again but you just need to keep what's important to you in your mind. And for me that is my wife and family, above all else. Porn can never come between us again. I wish you all the best in your recovery, I hope you have the support you need around you. I look forward to hearing more of your story.
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: RealityCheck on October 26, 2017, 08:47:39 AM

Identifying the issue is an important step.  It looks like you have a powerful motivator to make this positive change.  Let's come up with some strategies for you to break this addiction.  The key is to have time working for you and to build momentum.

What normally triggers you?
Title: Re: My Story
Post by: TNM1978SLT on October 31, 2017, 11:14:28 AM
Mood is a big trigger for me...If I'm low in mood then "black dog" rears its ugly head.

My office gives me the opportunity to act out if I wish too.

I don't have a sponsor but think it would be useful to have someone to call at those times of temptation