Reboot Nation

Reboot Nation Forum => Partners of Rebooters and Addicts => Topic started by: maria on September 01, 2017, 07:32:44 PM

Title: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: maria on September 01, 2017, 07:32:44 PM
Hello all,

Since D-day I have checked his browser history twice, found nothing to be upset about, but still am not reassured that there has been no viewing of porn.

Can't seem to move forward into an area of trust again. It's been almost 4 months.

Feeling constantly hypervigilant that if he's not interested in sex with me, even if it's just once in awhile, that it must be because he satisfied himself elsewhere.

Not sure what to do to shake this off and move forward.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Jack Can on September 01, 2017, 08:38:35 PM
He can delete only certain parts of his search history if he wanted. I mean, there are definitely ways to look at porn discretely so you wouldn't find the history or any remnants of what he was doing
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: maria on September 01, 2017, 09:06:26 PM
Yes I'm aware of that, and he is somewhat of an IT specialist so it would be very easy to hide porn activity from me.

What I'm really looking for is empathy from someone in a same situation.

Thanks for posting though.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: stillme on September 02, 2017, 05:32:55 AM
Research states that it takes 3 - 5 years to rebuild trust in a relationship. So, you feelings right now and normal and completely okay. The one who should be doing the hard work of rebuilding trust is him. What are the things that you need to feel reassured? Let him know those things and he should be willing to agree to them if he truly wants to rebuild the relationship.

Playing detective is a lot of work and I would advise against it. Trust what your gut is telling you. Let him know what you need to feel more secure that he is doing the right thing. There is some reason why you are not feeling comfortable, let him know and see if he is willing to do what it takes to help you feel more comfortable.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Kimba on September 05, 2017, 08:14:09 PM
Hi Maria

Its been a year now for me, I pretty much in the early days checked it all, checked his phone, even told him that I would contact our internet providers and get them to send me details of where we go ( empty threat that one but still got him thinking). I have security on all our computers...  All you can do is keep asking, keep asking if you are on the same page still, my partner likes to pretend it never happened and I really never got much out of him since the Day... When he did leave his phone out for me I would say to him that it made me feel better about things etc, I would question different cookies I found which used to make him mad but too bad, he stuffed up so now he has to be reminded of what he did to our relationship, I need to feel confident that he is trying and also let him know that I am done if anything comes to light again.  He has told me he does not have an addictive personality, which he doesn't but he does have a compulsive one at times.  Im not over it but I try really hard to be positive, I only on occasion mention that terrible time, I still get angry but I don't really tell him about it, I just deal with it, no point in going over and over old ground, its up to him now.  So if you feel like you want to check on him, defiantly do it, if that is what it takes Im all for it, he broke the trust he will have consequences for his actions...  take care
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Emerald Blue on September 06, 2017, 05:57:26 PM
Such a lot of interesting perspectives here. I did the lioness's share of playing detective after d day and although it was probably the only way I was ever going to have a realistic idea of my husband's porn behaviours, it's not sustainable way of living. As raven song says, it's about seeking safety and it's also about attempting to take control of a situation where we previously hadn't. It's not a reliable source of information because there are so many different ways to avoid leaving obvious traces of activity. Although computer evidence is typically the first time partners stumble upon their SO's porn use, porn addicts soon learn to become extremely vigilant about covering their tracks. In the long run, "snooping" is unreliable.

There also comes a time when you realise just how anxiety provoking it is to be making these searches. It takes a while to let go, probably because we did need the routine of searching for evidence to feel safe and in control but for me there was a crossover point when I realised how anxiety-provoking it was, and a drain on my time and energy. Somehow I just let go and soon I realised I just didn't want to go round that circuit again and again. The occasional spot check is OK but preferably with permission. Otherwise you're very probably breaching your own values of privacy, respect and deception. Having said that, if you really have cause for concern you might have to but that should be the absolute exception.

Most of the recovery literature emphasises monitoring your partner's emotional health for positive changes in other areas of his life. This won't be apparent in the early stages of recovery though. These days I *expect* honesty about internet activity. I don't know if he would tell me after relapsing but for now I have to learn to trust, and part of trust is - by necessity - learning to tolerate the unknown and accept it as a normal part of any relationship, porn addict or not.

Good luck

Good luck.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Kimba on September 07, 2017, 12:56:50 AM
Yeah I get what ur saying EB, no point going around in circles and stressing yourself out but in the beginning I think it's part of the cycle whether it's good or bad it just IS ! The need to understand was key to me in some weird way, find out the why's and how's but u only get the surface especially like u said once they know your on to them they just get sneakier, I pretty much was checking his history for four years before the lovely site left a calling card haha, in that time I found bits and pieces, I'd call him out, he would deny and in fact challenge me as to the one causing trouble in the relationship, it was a tough battle and something I should never of gone through but I handled it badly, like u and many others I took the easy road, thought it would go away, BUT it did not in fact it was escalating. I'm also a believer in what will be etc and Karma and seeing the good in peeps so at the end of the day, it did come to light and I wasn't even trying sooo The Truth won out, actually today one year ago I found the icon on my desktop, I have not said anything I did sleep badly but I just can't seem to bring it up, I think I'm done with it, I now believe if he is up to anything it will come to light sooo I'm getting on with life. Thanks Raven I think it is very appropriate and pretty sure it was Buddha who said it, I'm not aligned with any religion I just believe in a greater good and the Earth Nature etc take care all my buddies on here, keep on fighting the good fight, the fight for LOVE and connection x
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Emerald Blue on September 07, 2017, 08:32:54 AM
Absolutely with you on all of this, Kimba. In the early weeks and months I went for nuclear option, lol. I absolutely went to town on every computer, hard drive, external HDs, USB key drives and even his camera's memory cards. All recordable and rewritable CDs and DVDs too. I searched through every DVD case, box set, or whatever, in case he'd hidden any DVDs. I used data recovery software to retrieve any recently deleted files. Everything I could search for I did. I searched for any files and folders that he might have made invisible. I examined all files that were large enough to be video files, because changing file extensions to a more "innocent" one, like a word processing document. You name it, I did it. I'm pretty good with computers so I'm not so easy to fool with lame innocent-sounding excuses. For anyone who feels she has to this, I suggest googling for articles that tell people how to "hide your files from prying eyes" or something like that, because they tell you how to unhide the files too.  8)

I would also say that in early trauma it's natural to keep wanting to return to the scene of the crime. We keep going back to make sense of it. And I would also say categorically that we have the right to know what's been going on in our relationship especially if we are being hurt or damaged by our partner's behaviour. We have the right to make an informed decision about our life, and that includes whether we stay in a relationship or not, based on accurate and truthful information. If I had full disclosure early on, I might not have had to go as far with the computer forensics but once someone thinks that all they have to do is lie their way out of a situation of their own making, you don't know what else they have been lying about. And once you've been gaslighted by someone who makes out YOUR the problem, then it becomes important to tell the truth apart from the lies. Because they both look the same, and by that time your intuitive compass is going haywire and you can't trust your own judgment. So, what's your only option? You take matters into your own hands and you look for any information that tells you what was going on. You don't find everything but you might just find enough clues to create a more accurate picture.

But eventually there is a time to stop because this kind of activity is crazy-making. Do it, but know WHY you're doing it.

From Paula Hall's book, if I remember correctly, the way we react after d day isn't necessarily right or wrong, it just is. We reacted in the only way we could at that time. I very probably created more damage, and my partner certainly created more damage, and we both know we could have handled things better. The fact is, none of us behave like the perfect people that a self-help book would suggest! Real life is different. We only gain knowledge and understanding through experience and we all had to go through the experience, addicts and partners alike, to learn what we know now. Now, I don't live under a rock but I had no idea what porn addiction was until after d day, and suddenly my husband had an explanation for why he was compelled to use this stuff and feel like shit afterwards. But I had no idea that porn addiction was a thing.

Well done Kimba for getting this far. I can honestly say with hindsight that the first year is the worst. You've very probably done all the groundwork for your own recovery, but it doesn't really stop. As time passes I reach a new layer of pain, of emotion, etc. In many respects I've moved on from the porn issue and into the deeper emotions. Same with my partner, suddenly encountering the feelings he had to deep freeze to survive his family of origin and realising why he has so much trouble with true emotional connection. It's a journey but I'm determined to learn and grow from this experience.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: maria on September 08, 2017, 04:27:46 PM
Thanks everyone for your input. I think my bottom line for this issue is that continuing to look for evidence of porn use is a waste of time. It is up to me to carry the burden of hoping every day that he doesn't, and live with the fact that if he does, I'm not likely to find out until something really glaring occurs, like lack of interest in me or more PIED. Luckily I am starting a new career and will be quite busy with a very steep learning curve, and hopefully that will distract me from the constant worry that he's using when I'm not around and not being honest about it.

Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Emerald Blue on September 08, 2017, 06:25:28 PM
The fact is, you can't build your life around someone else's dysfunctional and perhaps deceitful behaviour. If they have a problem, they have a problem. If they're creating problems, you'll know about it. The trick is not to cause more stress and unhappiness for yourself through getting stuck in a suspicious mindset because you'll only stress yourself.

In a healthy relationship both partners need their own space and opportunity to pursue their own interests. Without this, most of us are f***ed. The problem is, by allowing an addict to have his own space in the relationship, it can be taken as an opportunity to act out. Porn addiction doesn't mean that an addict isn't entitled to his own time, space, interests etc, so part of recovery is letting go and trusting the recovering addict to live an emotionally healthy lifestyle. And part of trust is learning to tolerate the unknown. It's hard, I know, to let go, but the alternative (checking etc) isn't 'normal' behaviour in a healthy relationship.

The big difference now compared to before porn addiction became an issue is that we know that this is a situation that has to be managed. You can only do this by drawing your boundaries and defending them, but with a view to flexibility and change accordingly to the health of the relationship. Low libido or ED aren't necessarily the sign of an ongoing porn addiction, although they can be. You need to see changes in other areas of his life that indicate positive changes. Or not. For example, my partner's workaholism tendencies is a red flag. For others it may be over eating or regular overconsumption of alcohol, compulsive spending, etc. 'Not knowing' is inevitable part of recovery because it's actually normal. The important thing is that both partners know better now, assuming both have embraced recovery. Also, letting go and learning to trust is a skill we have to learn. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. It can feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable but that's all part of the journey towards recovery
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: maria on September 08, 2017, 10:04:05 PM

I have read MANY of your posts and I find you to be very empathetic, insightful, and skilled. Have you considered going into counseling? I think you would be really good at it and I know you have helped many people already.

Thank you for your winsome input.

Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: Emerald Blue on September 09, 2017, 05:09:02 PM
Thank you  :)
I'm glad you are finding the posts on here to be helpful. The partner's section is very much a team effort, we're all trying to get through our situations by asking for help or sharing our experiences. I know that the ladies who came before me were like beacons in the bleak landscape after d day. Whatever I can offer anyone here, I'm standing on the shoulders of the women who were here for me — and still are.

As for counselling, no, it's not for me! I would find it way too emotionally draining. But I'm happy to share what I've learned along the way, and people can take the bits that help them and ignore what doesn't apply. It's a team effort, and although I wish none of us had to be here, long may this section to be here for others as long as people need it.
Title: Re: Have checked his search history, found nothing, still not reassured
Post by: raven song on September 14, 2017, 04:57:57 PM
I agree, Emerald Blue is great!  Also, there are so many amazing people here in this forum!

Maria, I hope you are doing well with your new job and that it is providing you a rewarding experience!