Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: zander13 on February 11, 2017, 08:40:21 PM

Title: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2017, 08:40:21 PM

I've had a lot of sex with girls, but I've never done it without the addiction latched onto my psyche. The first experience I had I couldn't get a boner for a bj. I was 16 years old. 16. After that I managed to lose my virginity at age 17 and have had 3 serious girlfriends and several other one nighters. But recently, say the past year, I've had next to nothing.

I've spent the last five or so years of my life with the knowledge that I had an addiction, but continuing to relapse. Not until I fully informed myself and actually read the science and watched the videos did I really start grasping what was going on, and how awful this addiction is. I hit a rock bottom of sorts, with thoughts of suicide coming popping up in my head. I never planned how I was going to do it or even fully acknowledged the idea, but the fact that the word even crept up into my subconscious was enough for me to take drastic measures. I moved into an apartment with no internet connection, got a flip phone, and started going to SA meetings. I did that for 3 months, in a brand new city, before the withdrawals really started to hit. I was more depressed than I had been in my entire life. I quit the school I was attending and moved back in with my parents. I was so scared and so anxious and depressed that I had no other place to turn. Withdrawals are no joke.

So let me reiterate. I'm 25 and living with my parents. But I've also the best I've ever been. I still have bouts of anxiety and depression and my flatline is still going strong, but I'm 167 days into this thing, and I like to believe that I can see a faint glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. Regardless, I wanted to post on this forum and spread the word. I wanted to chronicle my journey so everyone else can benefit. Because that's how I've been able to build this streak. By learning through the example of others, especially GABE DEEM. He is my hero.

It's 8:38 at night right now, and this day is almost over. But that means tomorrow is 168. And that fact alone makes me happier than anything else. It's my life's greatest accomplishment up until this point.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: D22clarka on February 12, 2017, 03:04:25 AM
Wow, 168 days! That's wonderful! I'm on day 1. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression. I know first hand the effects of both of those things. But man it sounds like you are making great strides on the road to your recovery. That's something to feel proud of! Thanks for sharing your story/progress with us! Keep us posted on how you are doing! Because it truly is an awesome thing you are doing right now. :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Stowe2010 on February 12, 2017, 10:57:56 PM
Zander, keep up the great work! I can speak for all of us when I say that you certainly give us motivation and hope that recovery is possible. The worst thing we can do about our problems is nothing and you have proven that with the success you have had so far. Keep going strong my friend.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 13, 2017, 11:33:56 AM
Day 169

@ Stowe and @D22clarka Thanks boys. Means a lot, it really does. Nice to have such a comforting community on this forum. I want to give back as much as I can. Good luck to the both of you.

I woke up feeling more like I did as a child than I ever have before. I reached a new high today. I know that an upcoming low is right around the corner, but these occasional highs make it much easier to traverse through the lows. I totally agree with the notion that although recovery is far from linear, the trend is an upward one. There's much to look forward to, I feel as if I'm only halfway there and I already feel magnificent. To think that only 6 months ago I had the word suicide in my brain. Now my thoughts have naturally gravitated towards hope for the future, and ideas of my new life and how I'm going to go about doing it. Hell, I'm already in the process.

It's funny how in this life, you can't really force yourself to do things. I mean you can, you always can, but I've found that if you let yourself heal, healthy impulses to act beneficially for yourself come naturally. You naturally want to do productive, positive things. It's almost as if men are wired to go out into the world and succeed, so we can secure a healthy, virile mate who will help us expand our lineage. And when we're addicted up to our eyeballs, that natural inclination is removed and we feel depressed and lifeless. funny how that works right?

Anyways, I just want to say good luck to everyone on this forum and all of the other websites dedicated to stripping porn from our lives. I know how shitty it is to be a porn addict. It's the most taboo thing I can think of. If a guy is a drug addict and he heals, he's a fucking hero. No one doubts the obstacles he had to overcome. But when you tell people that you're addicted to watching girls have inexplicable things done to them, or worse, there's not much room for sympathy is there. It's a tough, tough reality to face. Because it's a lonely fuckin habit and a lonely fuckin' addiction. We mostly have to face the demons on our own, or at least that's how I thought of it. But that's not true, because places like this forum exist. With real people who's lives are so ridiculously comparable to our own. We've all read the same story a hundred times. But thant doesn't take away the individual pain each person suffers. I know all about that pain. And I want to help out as many people as I can at this point in my life, because I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. It's dreadful, but also beatable. At least so far, I still haven't made it out of the gauntlet.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2017, 08:56:25 AM
Day 170:

2 weeks until 6 months. Feeling great this morning. I wake up early naturally. I feel happy, naturally. Everything is more natural. Bad day is around the corner but I'm loving these good days, I thank God for them.

Woo!

And had a normal sex dream last night. I was the person engaging in the act, not watching someone else. Good signs all around.

Happy Valentines day, hahaha
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 17, 2017, 02:00:00 PM
Day 173

Not much to report. I've still been very up and down. The past 3 days I've been in a pretty depressed state, and that was because my body was craving porn. Craving=depression, because all the brain wants is its fix. It'll make you feel as uncomfortable as it can so you feed it what it wants. And it's a fucking strong impulse. It's goal is to catch you in an unaware state of mind. Mindless technology binging is usually how I get there. Watching youtube or reading articles I didn't intend to, one after the other. Videogames are another one. It's all kind of related anyways. It's all massive amounts of pleasure through artificial means. Rewards without effort. Clicking and button smashing. Technology is a major tool for our society, but it also is a major threat. Somedays I'd prefer a world without the internet.

Had a dream last night where I watched porn. Kind of freaked me out, but once I came to I realized it was only a dream, and that I was still okay.

Little over a week until I reach a half year mark, 7 days if I'm counting 180 days as 6 months. I still have a while to go, but the improvements are coming. Slow and steady. I'm thinking 9 months will be the length of my flatline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 27, 2017, 11:51:53 AM
Day 183

Slow and steady. Not as many changes have occurred over the past week or so, other than the fact that I made it 6 months.

I still have more bad days than good ones, but the bad ones aren't nearly as bad and the good ones are pretty darn excellent. Today, unfortunately, is a bad day, and I can tell by the brain fog and ever constant tugging feeling I am experiencing in my nether regions.

I need to stay vigilant and always be on the prowl, because the last thing I want at this point is a relapse. I never want to experience this rebooting process again. It's something that I need to experience in order to become a man, but going through it more than once would be masochistic.

I really can't wait until I'm at least a year into this journey. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I can tell I'm well on my way though.

6 months though. woo!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2017, 11:30:54 AM
Day 191

Morning would occurs more than it doesn't at this point in my reboot. I get it 5/7 days. That alone is so ridiculously encouraging to me because it is a phenomenon I never had the pleasure of experiencing the past 25 years I've been alive. It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I cannot stress enough how WORTH IT this journey is. It's hard as hell, but so fucking worth it. I feel like a real human today. I can't imagine what things will be like a year into it. I have so many things to look forward to.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 08, 2017, 10:20:25 AM
Day 14

I'm back. It's been a long road since my last post. Made it 250 days before I relapsed. Since have had streaks of 30, 60, 90, and now back to 14. I've never been closer to the finish line, but need to make sure I tie up loose ends and fix the emotional reasons why I relapse. I need to continue to build up on my values and to create a life that doesn't need the instant gratification of PMO to manage my emotions. Because that's what it turned into--a way to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

God bless everyone here, because we are the only ones who know how difficult it is to break free from this addiction. Especially when you began as a teen or younger. My parents, my friends, my brothers. they don't understand. i think they want to, but it's impossible. Only when you've gone through it can you understand the pain.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 20, 2017, 02:29:12 PM
Day 26

Feeling good. Confident about the success of this final reboot. My mind is strong and my emotions are stable. I feel as if I've slowly but surely replaced the gratification I would get from my addiction with life habits that are more productive/rewarding. It's really a matter of replacing pleasure with authentic happiness/satisfaction with life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 28, 2017, 12:41:54 PM
Day 32 or 33

Good day today. A pattern is beginning to emerge in my recovery journey. I have 4 days of good moods, decent libido, and energy/motivation. Then I'll have 2 days of cravings, which are basically withdrawals. At the end of the second day the withdrawals hit a crescendo of pain, and then fade away. I'll usually have a wet dream around this time.

Since the last time I relapsed was in the morning/early afternoon, I'll feel a craving during that time that will only last for half of the day. I'm convinced that our withdrawals/cravings are directly correlated to our relapses. Since my relationship with porn has turned into long streaks broken up by binges, the withdrawals only occur on certain days, but are very intense. Very, very intense. Mindfulness is a must for me, since being aware of the state I'm in is key in avoiding relapses. I'm pretty confident that I will defeat this thing on this streak. I've never felt closer to the finish line.

I know I have plenty of more bad days ahead, but I must take advantage of the good ones.

God bless and keep going fellas. This is the only way we can secure a normal, healthy life. There is no way around this addiction. We gotta go straight through it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 02, 2017, 03:42:25 PM
Day 37

My emotions are very topsy-turvey. I can go from feeling depressed to feeling slightly euphoric in a single day. I hope this means that my brain is on the verge of healing for good. Lord knows I've done my due diligence--I've fapped maybe 20 times, total, in the past year, and most of those faps were parts of a single day's binge.

I'm still undecided on how much relapses affect our recoveries, but I'd definitely advise avoiding them. Of course they are necessary to learning about your own weaknesses, but I'd say to be as proactive as possible when it comes to this recovery. relapses hurt. Bad.

Like I said, I hope that I'm near the end of this journey, or at least to a point where the withdrawals aren't so bad.

I think that once I hit the 3 month mark I'll be in a very good spot, but who knows for sure. This is an unpredictable process to say the least.

Good luck everyone. 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 13, 2017, 03:09:09 PM
Day 49

Still going strong. It's been an uphill battle, like it always is. Very ready for this process to be over (?), if that's ever a possibility. I just want to get to a point where I'm too happy with my current life to even think about sabotaging it, though I know that there isn't much rationality when making the decision to cave in. Life will go on.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 29, 2017, 04:01:46 PM
Day 65

Bad day today. Cycle continues. Hopefully I will bounce back tomorrow. Good luck everyone
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 03, 2018, 11:39:17 PM
Day 70

I fully realize that the number of days I have been clean from this addiction is not the most important aspect of my recovery, but as a human I'm drawn to statistics and metrics, so I'll continue to post what day I'm on because I love having some kind of anchor when it comes to this abstract disease. I need something tangible in a world of intangibility.

I had a weeklong flatline starting around Christmas Eve, and got out of it New Years Day after a night filled with odd dreams, morning wood, and another wet dream. I've had about 5 or 6 of those so far during this particular reboot.

In 2017 I'd say I relapsed a total of 20-25 times, and most of those were binges that occurred over a span of a single day. I'd say I spent 5-6 total days in the porn-induced haze. The rest have been times of abstinence. And I still wouldn't consider myself anywhere near I want to be, though I'm very optimistic about where I am right now. I've adopted a mindset that I can only describe as "willing to do whatever it takes". Cold showers, meditation, success stories, telling my loved ones about it, working out religiously. I've finally gotten to a point where I'm confident in my ability to do whatever it fucking takes. I guess I just got to a point where I hated porn so much that I could not let it fucking take another extra day from me. I'm doing my penance for all of the times in high school that I'd jerk off onto my bedroom carpet at 2 a.m.

I know that I have an addictive personality. And, sadly, I believe that it has caused this addiction to dig its claws particularly deep into my brain. But what can I do about it now besides beating it one day at a time? Nothing. That's the answer. And it has taken me years and years of failure to get to it. Some things can only be learned by doing. I'm a firm believer in that idea. Even though there are already hundreds of stories/people/accounts that are filled with the correct information, I still needed to fail in my own way before I could grasp what the successful rebooters were saying.

Gabe Deem is the fucking man. I plan on turning around an helping people just as he does, though on a much smaller scale. I truly believe that if I can help one person through the hell that is rebooting, that I've earned my keep. I would've paid thousands of dollars to find a person in real life who would take the time to walk me through this process, step by step. The first thing I would have wanted to hear is that beating this issue should be my number one priority. Above a career, above friends, above school. This thing needs to be taken care of before any real success can be had in the areas I've just listed.

The way my addiction has been going as of late is 3-5 "decent days" followed by 2-7 "bad days". Since I've already experienced 3 good ones, tonight being the end of the 3rd, I expect to entering another span of "bad days" shortly. No matter how much I try and prepare for them, I'll never get used to them. They hurt like hell every time. But I have no other choice, I need to do the best I can. I need to try and stay positive and to realize that I'm so much better off that where I was before all of this. I'm on the cusp of something great. Just need to keep going, no matter how many more days I need.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: SCHLEPenstein on January 04, 2018, 01:11:56 AM
Hey man. Just read this post. I'm looking for an accountability partner.

You got one yet?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 04, 2018, 10:52:09 AM
No I do not
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 05, 2018, 01:02:02 PM
Zander13,

Great story and remarkable work done! I commend you on your journey and the steps you've taken to beat this S.O.B. You are so correct in your statement about failure of your own. One cannot completely understand until they have tried, failed and tried again. Only this time you have the steps and the knowledge to succeed. I myself went through a similar stage and still feel I am in and out of it. The night of New Years Eve I had prepared myself for the thought of a possible overnight stay with my friend. I felt great and knew I could make it work if the time arose. When she had left that night, a sudden sadness fell over me like a weighted blanket carrying me to the bottom of the ocean and the next morning I MO'ed. This was my emotions taking control. I should have meditated and allowed myself a thought in the positive, but I acted. This past week I have been down on myself wondering what I did wrong. I allowed myself to get so excited about the possibility that when it didn't happen I was at an all time low. This is my failure.

Moving forward we need to take these experiences of "our" failures and turn them into positives and learning experiences. I have full faith in you that you will conquer this. You have the ability, knowledge and support to keep you going.

Keep up the hard work. You are already far along in your journey. Many steps forward from what once was!!

Best of luck my friend,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 08, 2018, 01:13:55 PM
Day 75

My last round of “bad days” ended yesterday in the afternoon. I expect to have 4-5 “good days” before the withdrawals hit again. It is very nice to know my addiction’s rhythm like I do. Makes it much easier to cope with everything.

Morning wood is getting more and more consistent. At around 90 days I’m going to start fully attempting to retire with a real live female speciemen. Had an opportunity to this past weekend but was weirded out by her age (21). Should’ve just pulled the trigger but what are you gunna do? It was nice to feel attracted to her, and was a huge hit in confidence. I’m getting to the point where I’m truly tuning in to the realities of life. Emotions, dreams, monetary realities are now beginning to slowly make their way into my consciousness. I expect that as I further progress I’ll begin to expend increasingly smaller amounts of energy to fighting urges. My brain will, through neuroplasticity, build larger maps for other activities besides jizzing onto my belly. Sorry for the crudeness but I felt it was warranted.

I know rewiring will be my final task, and I look forward to the process. It will be the most liberating experience of my life. I have a lot of anxiety tied into the act of sex, and a successful completion of it will do so many things for me, not the least of which being a boost in confidence that can only come with that sort of thing. It’s validation of the highest order.

So long for now my good friends. Good luck to everyone, and don’t ever get cocky about this shit (this includes me). Complacency is perhaps our number one enemy.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 11, 2018, 02:08:15 PM
Day 78

One thing I realized today was that in order to truly free myself from this mess, I need to alter the way I approach the world. I've been operating under faulty values for a while now, and not until today did I realize just how moronic the map I've been using has been, map being a metaphor for the guidelines I've set in place for how to live life in the correct way.

The most important thing I need to focus on going forward is connectivity and putting myself out of my comfort zone. I need to constantly be willing to put myself under duress, that is the only way I will grow. I need to have my worldview challenged at every turn. I need to be willing to make mistakes and to be wrong about things. I'm a perfectionist at heart, but that is no excuse to let myself be surrounded by a bubble of safety.

This has happened to me before--I find a good amount of success with a reboot and then find myself in a void of sorts. Abstaining from porn becomes easier and it no longer is an immediate threat--once this shift occurs, I no longer have a clear, definitive purpose. I'm basically on par with the rest of the world. I'm no longer as "different" as I used to be, I no longer have an excuse as to why I'm not fulfilling my potential.

I understand that I always need to be vigilant about porn, and that I'll never be allowed to view it or fantasize about it again, but it's time that I turn my attentions to al of the holes/problems/issues that have resulted from me putting all of my energies into beating this thing. I need to grow the fuck up. I need to figure out exactly what I want, what I need to do to get there, and then start taking the steps. I don't want to be a pulsating, nervy ball of unfulfilled potential. I want to be the guy that lives life to the absolute fullest.

It's going to be hard, because I think, deep down, my brain is wired to want to get home as fast as possible, be alone, and masturbate myself into an oblivion. I don't know if that will ever fully go away. But it's my job to fight that impulse and to remain out of the house. To be in front of others and to engage with the world. No more excuses man. It's time to saddle up and get after it. To take full responsibility for where I'm at and to do my best to remedy everything that has "gone wrong." I'm only 26 years old, I have time. But I don't want to waste any more of it. I have all the skills required. It's just a matter of sticking with something. Of not quitting when the going get's rough.

The more I fully engage myself in my life and with the world around me, the less I'll care about morning woods and minor withdrawals. I know this because I've been there before. I've lived hard enough to where the addiction is a minor nuisance. I don't want to downplay its potency or its danger, but I also know that as long as I take the proper steps each day, that I'm going to be fine. Most of the habits I need to beat this thing are already in place. Now it's time to focus on the other stuff.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 11, 2018, 04:09:41 PM
Full faith in you man. Keep it up. If you need anything just holler!!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 14, 2018, 01:29:39 PM
Day 81


Another day another dollar. I'm in the midst of one of my "bad days", but the funny thing about it that I don't really feel that bad. I know as the day goes on it will get worse (I think as a result of my relapses occurring at night), but compared to when I first began this final streak, my bad days aren't that bad. They really aren't. I think meditation has a lot to do with that. Meditation has been the biggest factor in my success. Scientifically, it strengthens my frontal lobes. Ephemerally, it helps me be keenly aware of my thoughts, moods, and emotions. It allows me to observe my mind from a third party perspective. Without getting too into spirituality, the idea of meditation and mindfulness has given me the gift of awareness. True awareness. I see things for what they are. Ego is ego, withdrawals are withdrawals, emotions are emotions. It all passes eventually, no mood or thought or sadness lasts forever.

I never want to get too cocky or arrogant about this addiction, because I know how powerful it is. It's better left alone--ignored. Instead of focusing on fantasies or past scenes (which rarely occur anymore), I take some deep breaths and center myself on my breath. Then I do my best to steer my head away from porn. I acknowledge it and do my best to move on. I ignore any movie or show that contains explicit material and if I do happen to come upon pornographic scenes, I either fast forward the program or turn it off immediately. It's that simple. I advise anyone struggling with this problem to think about using this method. It's all about the little things. There is no grand gesture involved when it comes to beating this addiction. It always comes down to the little things, the minor moments. Sometimes a little luck, too. This shit is so fucking powerful that even if I felt like I've done everything right, down to the last percent of a percent, I'd still, in the beginning of my reboot, feel urges so powerful that I thought I'd lose for sure. And as we all know, one loss usually equals a few others. The hardest part about getting back on the horse is getting back on the horse. But it must be done.

I've rambled and I've preached. But it helped me to read other people's successes, so I want to pass as much information along as I can. If I didn't know that other people had successfully conquered this addiction before me, I would have had a ridiculously difficult time beating it myself. Not saying that I've beaten it, I don't think I'll ever say that (I have too much respect for it's potency and persuasiveness), but yeah. Hearing about methods of success and examples of success was good for me.

On a more statistical level, I have MW almost every day of the week now. I think I've begun to tap into all of the headway I made last year (~230 days clean), which goes to show that relapses don't set you back all the way. I remember that before my relapse, I could get hard to touch alone. I'm starting to get back to that state again. Feels really good to have movement down there. It really does.

One final thing I want to add is that if we addicts want to beat this thing, we can't live life like everyone else. We can't be on snapchat, or instagram, or facebook. I mean I guess you can, but why risk it? I'd find it near impossible to beat this problem if I saw bikini shots on the regular. The internet has given us great gifts as a human race, but it has also brought on a tremendous amount of evil. Addictions are just a click away. They live in your pocket. It's our jobs to safeguard ourselves against all of the smut that lives on the web. Advertisers know how to get guy's attention, it's no secret that on any given webpage you're going to see something sexual. It's bullshit but that's capitalism for you. Doing what it takes to win the almighty dollar. I'd say it's a shitty way to run a country, but the alternatives seem even worse. Anyways, I don't want to get into politics.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot on my mind. It's going to take a while for me to psychologically recover from this addiction. It's one thing to recover erections and zest for life, it's another to get over the amount of time wasted, pain endured, and shame internalized.

The best part about beating this thing is being able to be proud of yourself. I firmly believe that. When it comes down to it, the addiction will always be a gigantic, threatening, killing machine. We just need to get big enough to defeat it. The addiction doesn't shrink, we just grow bigger than it.

Peace. And good luck to all. I truly hope everyone beats the fuck out of this no good trash.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 15, 2018, 02:40:07 PM
Day 82

Had one of the worst dreams of my life last night. It was a vivid, somewhat lucid dream where I relapsed to porn and everyone important in my life hated me for it. I felt the emotions as I was experiencing them in the dream. I woke feeling like shit, and apparently, when I relapsed in my dream, I had a wet dream in real life. So weird. Just goes to show that I'm not at the finish line yet. It still has a heavy presence in my subconscious. This addiction is so powerful it's ridiculous. And the thing is, porn is only becoming more relevant in today's culture. I think we are the tip of the ice burg when it comes to PMO addiction. There is no way that kids and teens of this era are not being affected by porn, perhaps even more heavily than us. That makes me sad to think about, but I'm definitely going to be around to help when shit inevitably hits the fan. We all know how hard it is to beat something so cunning and destructive.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 16, 2018, 09:22:18 AM
Doing great man. Keep it up. Regarding that wet dream, you saw that I posted something from the success story (6 years PMO free). There is a section that discusses wet dreams or what he calls leaking. There are Kidney qi stretching routines that are supposed to help with this kind of thing. Personally I have not experienced this as of yet. But I am going to work on these stretch moves just for the hell of it. Good to stretch anyway.

I am in the same boat as you regarding the younger generations. I am going to do what I can to prevent P from taking over. It ruined my life for a while and I am just happy I have found a path. Thanks to this forum and brothers going through the same thing.

Talk soon,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2018, 01:40:04 PM
Day 87

Had a bit of a scare last night. I was the horniest I'd been since the beginning of the reboot. I began to fantasize about girls after reading a triggering Success Story on YBOP. Honestly, I was so horny that most things were triggers. I also made the mistake of touching myself to test for erection. It came alright. Along with the familiar rush of chemicals in my brain and a thumping heartbeat.

I didn't act on anything, but I don't even want to be in those kinds of positions again. It had me texting old girls late at night and losing some self-respect. I woke this morning and felt depressed and lonely, and then I took a cold shower, got dressed up, and went outside. I feel safe now, but this experience was a kick in the nuts for me. This is exactly the time I relapsed my last reboot, and now I know why. I'm out of the worst part of the flatline. I'm becoming turned on by things, like movie scenes, suggestive success stories, and other things of that nature.

The way I'm going to approach my reboot for now on is simple. No arousal (no movies, tv, etc.), no touching of the package, and a rule that I will only spend time in my room for sleep. I get caught in these lonely trances when I spend too much time in my room. It's not good for me. I used to have the excuse of "I'm withdrawing and therefore not ready to be social", but that excuse is clearly fading. I need to toughen up for this final portion of my reboot. This is the time when I need to solidify positive sexual habits. Because last night, if one of the girls I texted came over (like how my imagination, the squirrely fuck, was picturing it) then I would've been using them for masturbatory pleasures. They would've been objects. And I would've felt immense guilt and shame right after I came.

I want to approahc this reboot from a loving point of view. I don't want to get my rocks off for the sake of rewiring, or ego-boosts, or anything like that. I want it to be meaningful. So, as of now, I still need to remain in hardmode. I'm a severe addict, and I need more time to let go of the porn-ish fantasies. Because they are still there.

If anyone has any good suggestions on how to actively rid yourself of the subconscious pull that porn has on my life, please let me know. I so badly want to put it behind me. Or at least 90% of it. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of having to worry. I just want to be a normal person. Sometimes I think that I will never get back to where I was before I started watching this evil.

Sorry I can't be more optimistic, but it is what it is. Good news is I didn't watch any P, though I do feel like I activated some of the pathways. Just like Gary, Norman Doidge, and any other well-informed anti-porn expert knows, the pathways we formed in our brains are deep. They're like heavy flowing rivers. Everything tries to flow into it. I think, for am moment there, I got cocky. I was so happy about my newfound libido that I stopped approaching my addiction as strictly. It only took a few hours for it to make its move. It almost got me I think. Thank God it didn't. Beating this addiction needs to remain my number one priority. Over sex, over ego, over everything. It will ruin me if I don't remain careful. And honestly, it's not that hard to do the things that are required of me. Just stay in public. Make efforts to be around people. For some reason, when I'm in a certain mood, doing those things seems near impossible. Our greatest fears lie in anticipation.

Peace out boys. Wish me luck on my updated journey. And good luck to the rest of you, and stay vigilant.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2018, 03:16:10 PM
Update:

I realized, with the help of my parents, that there is a reason for this addiction's hold on me. I am not well mentally. I've been avoiding this for years now, but finally the truth has pushed its way to the surface. I'm going back home tomorrow and I'm going to check into a hospital so I can figure out what's wrong with me. I think I jsut have so much pain that hasn't been addressed. There are just some things in life that I cannot fix alone. No amount of meditation, good habits, or willpower can solve problems as deep as the ones I've got.

Let this be an example to some of you: there could be problems that run deeper than just the porn addiction. I am now aware that I fall into this category. Now it's time I turn this reboot in a majorly different direction. I need to start addressing the pain and insecurities that I got going. I'm not well.

Good luck to all of you. At least I know I'll be abstaining while I'm in the hospital. I'll hit day 90 in there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2018, 03:01:25 PM
Day 90

Just got out of the hospital. Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and got bumped up to 450mg of wellbutrin. Feeling better than I have in a long time, though I'm weary of how long it will last. Still though, it's a relief to know that some of my perceived "withdrawals" were actually symptoms of depression. Sometimes I get caught up in painting my depression symptoms as withdrawals, and start obsessing about my addiction rather than the true culprit behind most of my woes. I truly believe that I took to porn so well for a couple reasons.

A.) It's a dopamine rush of the highest order, and since my brain is inefficient when it comes to dopamine, I immediately began to enjoy the newfound feelings that it brought me, probably not dissimilar to how Wellbutrin makes me feel now (at least when it's at 450mg).
B.) All of the other reasons that can be found on YBOP.
C.) Played well with tendency to isolate when I'm depressed.

You don't have to agree with my assessment. It's all personal at the end of the day. This addiction, as well as mental illness, are personal matters. In the end it's up to us to get it all figured out, and maybe some mental health professionals. So FOR ME, depression is enemy number one. I'm still going to follow all of the habits I've been using to combat my addiction as well, but I should no longer mix up withdrawals with symptoms of depression. They are totally different.

I still know that a relapse would hurt me a great deal, especially since I'm starting to get my libido back in a big way. I get erections from merely thinking about girls now. Real ones. It's almost a difficulty to stop fantasizing about real women. I kept telling myself the other day "this is what all men must deal with. Attraction to almost every girl they see. I'm going to need to learn some self-control now, but in a totally different arena."

Also, when it comes to my moods, 90 days definitely isn't hurting me. Though the majority of my depressive symptoms are caused by actual depression, I am still aware of the anxiety and depression that withdrawals cause. If I was a betting man, I'd say that the majority of relapses, especially to the uninformed soul, are caused by the severity of withdrawals. Looking back, when I first started to abstain, they'd get me every time.

Well that's it for now. I've posted a lot of opinions so take everything with a grain of salt. This is just my particular experience.

Good luck boys.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 23, 2018, 04:15:54 PM
Congrats on the 90 days bro. Now continue on this path and all will work out. Glad to see you were able to battle some inner demons and come out strong. I feel this reboot is more than just stopping P. It's bettering yourself in multiple categories. Keep up the good work.

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: JB1997 on January 23, 2018, 04:32:44 PM
Zander,

Congrats on reaching day 90! That's incredible about your stay in the hospital, and I think that's a very powerful thing to share with everyone on the site. I don't know what you were thinking or going through that brought you to talk to your parents and go to the hospital, but I think it is inspiring to just have the idea that anyone can reach out for help regardless of what their problems are. I think it's interesting that with each streak that you have been on you have realized there are various cycles where you have good days and bad days. How did you come to realize this? How did you pay attention enough and notice those cycles of how you were feeling during those time periods. I think that's incredible, and something that would help me a great amount. For example, knowing if I am going into a bad stretch of a few days...before that stretch starts, I think would be helpful to really just keep myself from fantasizing or viewing porn.

I'm also wondering when the waking up with morning wood consistently started for you. I'm on day 35, and I've noticed a little bit more of an erection in the mornings when I wake up, but by no means not a full erection. I also do wake up to an alarm clock. I think your story is incredible, I just read all the posts. Meditation is something that I am getting into and want to try. Do you do guided meditation? I think the most inspiring parts of your story for me are the amount of times you have relapsed, but you have stuck with it and continue on this journey. Just paying attention to how your body feels and not giving up is something that I think is incredibly powerful. I'll be sure to check this thread periodically, as I want to stay informed with your journey!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2018, 12:15:53 PM
Zander,

Congrats on reaching day 90! That's incredible about your stay in the hospital, and I think that's a very powerful thing to share with everyone on the site. I don't know what you were thinking or going through that brought you to talk to your parents and go to the hospital, but I think it is inspiring to just have the idea that anyone can reach out for help regardless of what their problems are. I think it's interesting that with each streak that you have been on you have realized there are various cycles where you have good days and bad days. How did you come to realize this? How did you pay attention enough and notice those cycles of how you were feeling during those time periods. I think that's incredible, and something that would help me a great amount. For example, knowing if I am going into a bad stretch of a few days...before that stretch starts, I think would be helpful to really just keep myself from fantasizing or viewing porn.

I'm also wondering when the waking up with morning wood consistently started for you. I'm on day 35, and I've noticed a little bit more of an erection in the mornings when I wake up, but by no means not a full erection. I also do wake up to an alarm clock. I think your story is incredible, I just read all the posts. Meditation is something that I am getting into and want to try. Do you do guided meditation? I think the most inspiring parts of your story for me are the amount of times you have relapsed, but you have stuck with it and continue on this journey. Just paying attention to how your body feels and not giving up is something that I think is incredibly powerful. I'll be sure to check this thread periodically, as I want to stay informed with your journey!

Terry Crews, that African-American actor who was in white chicks and other silly movies, and I believe was involved with Old Spice at one point, talked about how he beat porn on ESPN and shit sometime last year. He also has some youtube videos about it. What I remember from what he said was that in order to beat this thing, you have to become very aware of yourself. Very in-tune with your feelings, thoughts, all that fun stuff. For me the easiest way to do that, by far, is to meditate. My advice is to get the headspace app on your smartphone and do the guided meditations. It's nice to have someone walking you through it in the beginning because it's a weird sensation to just sit down and listen to your breath for 10-15 minutes. Once you start doing it consistently, which is easy and hard to find excuses not to, you can start doing it with others. I love meditating with someone else, it makes it so much easier. I did it with people I knew well, like my brother. They say it takes like 6 weeks for the benefits to really kick in, but you'll notice a certain calmness after the first few. And, as advertised, it get's you in tune with your thoughts, which is the most important aspect of beating this shit. It's almost like it gives you an extra minute of clear thinking before you relapse. It turns it into a choice, as opposed to something that sneaks up on you without even realizing it. Good stuff man, good for anyone too, not just red-palmed jizz fountains like us.

God speed man and thanks for commenting, no matter what people say, having people respond to your shit is a nice feeling.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2018, 12:17:23 PM
Congrats on the 90 days bro. Now continue on this path and all will work out. Glad to see you were able to battle some inner demons and come out strong. I feel this reboot is more than just stopping P. It's bettering yourself in multiple categories. Keep up the good work.

ImOnMyWay

Couldn't agree more on this being about more than just porn. That's a terrific insight that makes this addiction seem more a part of your life journey rather than one, colossal mistake that has done nothing but ruin your life.

Thanks for the post brother. You're killing it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2018, 11:54:40 AM
Day 93

Had withdrawals for only a day and a half in total. Usually it's two days and an entire morning that I have them. I don't know if it was an anomaly or if I'm just starting to really get over them. Either way, I feel great today, especially since I no longer feel depressed. It's like all of these weights that I've been lugging around with me are finally being lifted. I don't want to get too optimistic or cocky about my mental health, but I do have a right to feel accomplished that I'm approaching normalcy. And by normalcy I mean having the same shot at happiness as people who are neither depressed nor addicted to porn.

I realized today that my drive to quit has never been higher. I want it so bad. And the reason that my motivation is so high is because I've tasted what progress is like. I figured out what it feels like to have really good days. To feel happy, and horny, and in tune with the world around me. So my advice to anyone who is willing to listen is to be patient. To trust the process. Even if you don't feel any different after the first month, keep going. Maybe you feel even worse. I know I did. But that doesn't mean you should stop. Because you're going to have a really good day at some point. A day where your mind is clear and your love for the world is doubled. And when that happens, remember that feeling. Journal about it. Etch it into your memory so that when you start feeling crappy again, you'll know what you're working towards. You'll have an extra kick of motivation--real proof outside of success stories and forum posts.

Sorry to lecture but I wanted to share my insight. The closer you get to winning the more you'll want it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 28, 2018, 10:44:15 AM
Day 95

For me, the biggest challenge of rebooting has always been the complete loss of my creativity. Whenever I have quit porn for an extended period of time (as an adult), I lost my creativity as soon as I enter into the flatline. It seems that the only time I have been able to be creative was when I was still in the throes of relapse. As I've gotten older, it's only gotten worse. I lose all of it. The mind that I could once rely on to be clever and witty as hell disappears completely. My writing sounds stifled and ordinary. All of the things that made me who I was disappear. So, in essence, I lose my identity during this fucking rebooting process.

The past few days I've realized that because I feel indifferent about life while rebooting, I feel indifferent about my future. I feel stuck. I feel as if I don't want to do anything with my future. It makes me so upset to think about the amount of time I've wasted with this bullshit rather than going after my dreams of making headway into the creative field. And now, I've gotten to the point where I worry, daily, if I'll ever get it back. I've spent so much of my adult life waiting until the next day comes, so that I'll have a chance of feeling normal again. Of being able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy.

What makes this anxiety worse is that I don't know if its my Wellbutrin that's making me un-creative, or the process of withdrawals. Or a mixture of both. All I know is that it better come back soon, because life does not seem worth it if I can't do the things that I love most in this world. I read some writing I did when I first graduated college, and was totally shocked by how good it was. Lively and funny and entertaining. Nowadays, whenever I try to write something creatively I immediately get frustrated by my lack of motivation and innovation. I'm just like everyone else now. Boring prose. Little to no humor, and the stress that accompanies those fucking stupid cunt punching inabilities. I've had it with this shit I swear to God. I know I haven't mentioned this before, because I wanted to be positive about this process, but to be honest with you, I'm angry. So angry. I'm angry at myself for getting involved in this mess, angry at the lowlife losers who take advantage of girls to make smutty, sin-riddled porn videos that zombify the masses and make good people like me depressed and disappointed with what should have been a great life. I have all of the tools, friends, family, and resources to be a success in this world. But, as of now, I'm nowhere near what I would consider success. I'm, so far, a failure. It's a fucking shame man, and rebooting seems to only make it worse. If I don't start turning it around soon, I don't what in the fuck I'm going to do. Maybe spend all my money on a trip to Europe or something. Slum it around and accumulate some experiences, so that IF my ability to be creative returns, I'll have some fodder to work with.

I saw a Noah Church video yesterday where a kid emailed him after day 90 saying he was contemplating suicide. He felt stuck and lifeless. Then, a month later, he emailed Noah again and told him that he had sex with a girl all night or something and that he considered himself cured. Hopefully something like that will happen to me. Because I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I've been mostly abstinent from porn for around 2 years. Maybe 30 days of relapse in total. I mean what the fuck? Do relapses affect me that much? My worst span of porn viewing occurred when I was 18 year old for Chrissakes. I'm 26 now, and I feel worse than I did, creatively, than when I was 18. How in the fuck does that work man? Where's the God in that? There is no God, if you ask me. He wouldn't let something like this happen to so many innocent people. How is this thing part of any plan? Please tell me because I'm interested to hear the rationale. To me, it seems as if Darwin was closest to being right about everything. We're simply a mixture of water and atoms. And because of the way we've adapted, things like video games and porn are too much for some people to handle healthily.

I'm going to take a break from this forum for a while, because I want to come back with some good news. Something that will once again light the flame of hope within me. Because without my ability to write stories, poetry, and other shit, I don't want to be a part of this world. I mean I don't think I'll ever kill myself, but I'll resent the world for robbing me of my reason to be hopeful and excited.

Sorry for the negativity but this is actually once going on inside of my head.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 03, 2018, 04:57:00 PM
day 101

Came out of a flatline several days ago. Now am better than ever. More proof that this stuff really works.

God bless and good luck
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on February 06, 2018, 08:48:03 AM
Keep it up my friend. More good to come. I love that feeling when you wake up and feel like everything is just great. Flatlines come and go, but managing them is key. Knowing the cycle and understanding yourself will make you feel better. Over time this will become just another thing we tackle in the thing we call LIFE!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 08, 2018, 08:29:23 PM
106

Might be back in flatline--don't know yet. Regardless, had 6 or 7 good days in a row. Most ever. Need to remain vigilant and to continue to solidify good habits!

Here is a great site that will help anyone struggling with this stuff. Take a look.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/blog/
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2018, 06:20:51 PM
Day 109

Still feeling good. At a point where I'm going to start actively pursuing girls. I need to start wiring my brain back to real women. No more excuses about that. I want to start building a new database of experiences with real women--add fodder for dreams, erections, etc. Not saying I think of girls as fodder, but you know what I mean. I want to truly move on from PMO, in every way.

Focusing less on the minor details of the reboot and just taking life day by day. My moods are much better overall and I find myself being interested in real life again. This makes it easier to not obsess about things.

Good luck everyone
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 12, 2018, 11:10:20 AM
Day 110

Think I'm in another flatline. So hard to tell these days. Had a wet dream last night but it was a porny one. I'm quitting video games for good, I definitely have a slight addiction to them as well. When I was in high school my routine was smoke weed, porn, video games, more porn. I've cut weed out and cut porn out. Now I need to get rid of video games for good. F A P. Fun, active, productive. Gabe Deem said it all. Check out his post in success stories if you haven't, he has one of the healthiest mindsets about this I've ever read/seen.

Edit: Hard work is required. I need to actively rewire my brain to F A P activities in a major way. Once weather get's better I'm going to make a point of hanging out in nature.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 11:33:51 AM
Day 112

Had a very realistic dream where I relapsed. I even felt the surge of dopamine before I woke up. My subconscious is still under fire. I believe the reason for this occurrence was because I've been watching more movies, trailers, etc. with racy shit in them. I've also been reading a book that has some sexual stuff in it. I need to quit all of that shit right now before it's too late. I feel good about where I'm at, but I CAN NEVER GET COCKY. I need to remember how insidious this shit is. It'll sneak up on you so quick. Meditation and mindfulness are key, I need to refocus my energies on those two things.

Besides all that, I actually had a good night last night and a good morning. My moods are unpredictable as is my junk, but I see that as a sign of the pendulum swinging back and forth until it finally rights itself.

I plan on going back to grad school in the summer, which leaves roughly 4.5 more months of reboot time before I start putting myself under more extreme stress. At some point I need to just get back out there and live life. The school is in a big city, and I hope that'll help wire my brain. I think it will. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN DO is to avoid relapse and to continue to build good habits. Mindfulness being the most important.

One last note: I started to get a little creativity back these past few weeks, and as a result I turned creative writing into my top priority. I partially blame this shift in priorities for my recent mistakes. I'm just not ready to shift focus away from this addiction yet. I need it to remain my number one focus. If I ignore it, it creeps up so fucking fast it's unreal. Which makes me question my decision to return to grad school, though I do not know how I'll be in 4 months time. Things change so much during the rebooting process, literally no day is the same as before. It's the most destabilizing thing I've ever experienced in my life. ZERO consistency from day to day. None. I want to beat this shit so fucking bad I can't even tell you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever face in my life. I truly believe that, and if I can get over it, then I'll literally fear nothing this world has to offer.

Anyone out there having a tough time gathering a streak, you need to convince yourself of how serious this addiction is. Don't make it an afterthought, or it will continue to wreck you.

I know I'm an extreme case because I have an addictive personality, and that I started way too young. I began using PMO as a way to deal with my emotions, and once you start doing something like that, addiction really sinks its teeth into you. Some of you may not be as severely addicted as I am. If that's the case, then you can ignore my bitching about how bad it is. I have an artist's disposition, and because of that, I'm a little more emotional than other people. And shit just affects me more.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: djh590 on February 14, 2018, 12:29:18 PM
hey man congrats on your on your 112 days thats a big deal especially in your case.  Its almost impossible for people not afflicted with this terrible addiction to know what we are going through.  It takes a real strong person to make it as far as you have man.
Stay strong, we will overcome this!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 10:24:16 PM
hey man congrats on your on your 112 days thats a big deal especially in your case.  Its almost impossible for people not afflicted with this terrible addiction to know what we are going through.  It takes a real strong person to make it as far as you have man.
Stay strong, we will overcome this!

Thanks chief. Good luck to you too man, thanks for reaching out. I wish you all the best!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 10:24:58 PM
Guys check this out:

https://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2017/may/chris-rock-joins-hollywood-a-listers-getting-real-about-porn-and-its-damaging-effects

Maybe news is finally starting to spread. Sad that it takes "stars" for it to garner attention, but a win is a win.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 15, 2018, 03:17:39 PM
I've been saying this a lot lately but give some thought to reading some books dedicated to self help. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle has been huge for me and I haven't even finished it yet. Also, Breaking the Cycle was important for me when I first got my foot in the rebooting door.

I'm also a big believer in exercise, meditation (I prefer guided meditation at the moment because my mind is noisy most days), yoga, and creative endeavors. Yoga is especially helpful in my recovery. Besides that it can be a good social outlet with no social commitment. Talk with people after class if you feel like it, grab your mat and run if you don't.

Find things that work for you and try to bring mindfulness into everything you do.

Good luck, I'll keep rooting for you. Awesome job so far!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 16, 2018, 10:16:24 AM
Day 114

Out of yet another flatline. Had morning wood two days in a row and feel almost completely in tune with life/my personality/sexuality. Starting to really get back to my old self. I want to remember this moment so that the next time I go through a 7 day flatline I’ll know that there is a light at the end. Our brains are very good at making us think otherwise during times of flatlines/cravings.

One massive observation about rebooting in general: the reboot is harder than the addiction. You get worse before you get better. As an addict I could make it through life, work, marginally succeed in school. But while rebooting, there have been times when I felt like the world was caving in. A lot of times. And I’m still not done. So keep in mind, if you have a severe addiction you will experience some shit times while rebooting. But you’ll also have times when you feel like you did as a young kid. And you’ll have no more shame, guilt, anxiety, and darkness in your soul. You’ll struggle mentally but feel increasingly better fundamentally. It’s weird but I can’t describe it any other way. You really have to EARN the pride that comes with abstaining. And, though I can’t speak from experience, this will all gradually fade to a whimper, and we will no longer have to worry about ED or anxiety or any of the other crap that comes with a reboot. It will never disappear fully, but I can’t see a reason why we can’t all end up like a Gabe deem.

Stay vigilant friends. Never let our guards down.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 18, 2018, 12:43:21 PM
I had a recent stint with medications that put me in a funk of sorts. I'm on antidepressants (450mg of Wellbutrin), and yesterday I forgot to take the last 150mg of the total 450mg. For those of us who know how antidepressants work, especially what happens when you miss a day, you know how shitty that is. I was feeling downright catastrophic. And then I realized two things at once. One: that I'd forgotten to take one of my pills --and-- Two: Because I was so neurochemically down in the dumps, I was craving porn for the majority of the day. Which was a huge insight for me. This depression is at the root of the addiction. I must've started compulsively using because of the imbalance in my brain. This might sound like common sense, but it's one of those conclusions that you have to come to on your own. Reading it or hearing it just isn't enough. I have to live it.

I feel encouraged that as long as I do the things that are required to deal with my depression, this addiction will be more easily managed. Those were the strongest cravings I've felt in a long time, and they were directly correlated to my low levels of dopamine (Wellbutrin is a dopamine uptake drug). Since I've already had so many streaks, several of them being 90 days or longer, I am really starting to think that I'm closer to the finish line of rebooting than I initially thought. All the hard work I've already put in was not totally in vain.

Now I know that there is never a true "finish line", but I feel encouraged that I'm over the biggest hill, so to speak. Good days will continue to get better, bad days will lose their bite, and, hopefully, I'll get my creativity back in full force. I can't wait to start writing every day again. Or drawing. Or just being clever in simple conversations. Once I get those traits back, and on a consistent basis, then I'll know that I'm "factory reset", or close to the point I was at before all of the porn I've watched was downloaded into my brain. It'll be like a computer without the virus (or at least that's my hope). My ultimate goal is to meet the kid that I was before all this happened. The kid who read compulsively, who approached the world with wonder, and who loved people unconditionally, and wasn't afraid to be who he was.

Sappy stuff, I know, but now is the time for me to be sentimental. These are momentous times in my life, the kind that will heavily impact my future.

Good luck to everyone who's struggling. I know how hard it sucks
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on February 19, 2018, 01:08:32 PM
Nice work on persevering through those urges and coming out of it clean. Takes guts and discipline to do that and you've proved it. Keep up the hard work man. You're doing great!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 19, 2018, 06:10:33 PM
Thanks buddy.

Day 117

My Wellbutrin is now having adverse effects. I got used to the 150, got used to the 300, and now am used to 450mg. It’s like PMO-what once helped me treat my depression has now turned against me. Going through a rough time right now. Mental illness is no joke man. It’s brought me to my knees
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 20, 2018, 12:39:33 PM
Day 118

Spoke with my psych and have a plan moving forward. Going to go off antidepressants for a trial run to see where I’m at without any. If my mood starts to dip all I need to do is call the guy and he’ll send a 10mg script to my pharmacy right away. I already feel better after not taking 450 Wellbutrin but I have a long way to go. PMO wise I feel confident as ever. Boners through sensation on good days, which happen more frequently than bad ones. Only thing I have to fear are the occasional week long flatlines. I’m expecting one to arrive within the next 7 days but who knows. I’m in uncharted territory. If I can get my mental health figured out I’ll be firing on all cylinders. I just can’t wait to have some sex and write some decent stories. Maybe play some more soccer and basketball and go out more socially. I’m planning on returning to advertising school soon and finishing my portfolio in Chicago. If I have the confidence that I can be okay mentally that’s my plan for the future. A big city like that would be so fun for a younger guy like me who has rediscovered what an erection feels like. Don’t want to get too idealistic though...I still have some work to do.

Such are the ups and downs of addiction and mental health. Good luck to everyone, beat this fucking thing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 22, 2018, 07:35:54 PM
Day 120

4 months. Boners have been a major theme of the past several days, which is a miracle in and of itself. Also feeling good mood-wise since I stopped my medication, though I'll continually be on the lookout for a rebound depression. If so, I have a 10mg lexapro script locked and loaded. Feeling good about where I'm at right now. Might have a few more flatlines before the final curtain falls, but I truly believe that I'm over the hump. I've been through the worst of it. Now it's a matter of continuing to solidify good habits and to begin to build the life that I've always wanted. Step by step baby.

To be fair, I have good news today, but who really knows what tomorrow will bring.

Good luck to everyone, I see that a lot of new people have joined up. Good for you guys
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: whereismoxy on February 22, 2018, 08:19:22 PM
congratulations zander!  i am very happy to hear that you made it out of the "fog" keep striving & updating us along the way. 

congrats!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 23, 2018, 10:06:28 AM
4 months is Awesome!! Sounds like it's paying dividends. Be proud of yourself. I'm rooting for you!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 23, 2018, 10:41:45 AM
chiefmitch--thanks man. Good luck to you!

121 days

Flatline rode in this morning. Going to watch it like a hawk. Pissed that it's here but happy that my brain has even more room to heal itself (hopefully that's what's taking place).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 25, 2018, 12:38:53 PM
123 days

Already out of the flatline. Morning woods and erections to sensation. Need to stay strong because I'm feeling horny and am having trouble not testing myself for erections.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: fivestackedcars on February 25, 2018, 06:07:10 PM
Zander, this is real inspiring. Seems like you're pretty close to being able to put it behind you. Keep strong, can't wait to be where you are.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: matter15 on February 27, 2018, 11:25:42 PM
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.

Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 28, 2018, 01:19:39 PM
@fivestack

thanks man!

Day 126

Woke up with no MW, shrunken junk and brain fog. Hoping this one lasts only a day or a couple days at most. If not gunna have to roll with the punches. I'm very close man, I can taste it. The pendulum is having shorter swings, meaning that I go from one extreme to the other fairly quickly, as opposed to week long flatlines followed by weeklong horny days.

I will say that I have more good days than bad at this point, or at least in the last 30 days. My dick, even in a flatline, is close to being functional. On normal days I can get erections through sensation. My MW is still hit or miss, but the last one I had lasted the entire morning, I could feel it in my sleep. Days I have MW are usually my better days. There's nothing like waking up to a boner after spending so many years without it.

Still not finished though, my moods are very up and down and I'm still having some trouble sleeping. By six months I'm going to feel completely ready to take on the world. And just to clarify, though I live with my parents I've been a public accountant for 2 years and have had many jobs in between. Honestly, life did not become unmanageable until I started to reboot. Sadly, during a reboot, life get's worse before it get's better.

The way I would describe the journey (for the guys who started in their formative years) is this: we began to use porn to deal with emotions, which caused addiction. It started innocently enough, but then we began turning to it all the time. As we grew up it, without us knowing, became a crutch that helped us get through life. Life, though full of shame and anxiety, was manageable for a while. Hell, I made it all the way through a difficult college program while addicted. But, as I got into my early 20s, the addiction started to turn on me. It became more painful to jerk it than to not jerk it, if you know what I mean. No longer did I feel any sort of calm after I PMO'd. I went straight into low dopamine mode.

The first step was stopping. First 30 days were fine. I was my old self but without the shame of porn. I could be creative, talk to people, be my normal self for that first month. And then the flatline hits. Or withdrawals. Or whatever you want to call it. And you lose your personality and zest for life. You lose whatever smidgeon of your dick you had left too. And you feel pretty miserable. You feel like you don't know yourself, your body, or even your sexuality. It all seems to evaporate. You get depressed because of a lot of reasons. No dick, no personality, no natural drive. It's tough man. Most people fail at this point. They panic. I've been there. Life is tough during the 60-xxx mark.

But then, depending on a multitude of variables (when you started, how often you did it, what kind of vids, fetishes, death grip, anxiety-producing scenes) you'll begin to regain some of your old self back. The old self that you hadn't seen since you were a kid. But he doesn't come back all at once. He comes back in snippets. In old memories, glimpses of old emotions. You'll start getting some morning wood, a few night boners. You'll have days where you feel amazing, untouchable. And the roller coaster will continue on--high hills followed by low valleys. And each time you enter a hill, it's usually taller than the one before. And then, once you really start breaking away, the ride get's flatter. There aren't as many hills or valleys, because you're already so high up. And then--who the fuck knows. Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm assuming that everything will slowly smooth itself out. I'll no longer have to wake up and analyze my dick/mood/motivation. I'll just be able to be a normal person, with normal emotions and a normal dick. I'll, in essence, be like everyone else who isn't an addict. And that's all I want. I'll cherish that shit man. The one good thing that will come out of this massive problem of mine is the realization of how shitty life can really be, and how happy I should be just to know that I have a fair shake at life. that I'm able to experience all of the joys and wonders of the planet. And most of all, so that I can become intimate with a lady and have my own built-in support system. I'm tired of sleeping by myself man. It's fucking lonely.

Didn't plan on writing all of that but I guess I had some shit on my chest. This has been one wicked, terrible, weird, inspiring ride. I don't want to go through it again, but maybe one day I'll be thankful for having experienced it. Who the fuck knows. I just need to to continue to be vigilant and not let my newfound confidence get the best of me.

For those of you who believe yourselves to be the hard cases, know that there is some hope. It's taken me about two years of rebooting, with very few relapses throughout (5 or 6 days total of relapses maybe), to get to the point where I'm at right now. 2 fucking years. And I'm still not finished yet. But I'm close man. And I fucking deserve it. Fuck porn. It wrecked a huge chunk of my life. I will not let it get to me again. I fucking hate it. I cannot forget all the pain. I cannot forget the lost sleep, anxiety, shame, failed sexual attempts, loss of self-esteem, inability to make more friends, and about a million other things I probably missed out on because of porn. It's evil for a guy like me. Pure evil.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 28, 2018, 01:30:18 PM
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.


Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.


Hey man. Thanks for the post. Brain fog is the fucking worst. Kills your mind.

What I suggest you do is read stuff. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power. distance yourself from the addiction and start treating it like diabetes or something.

Also, acknowledge how addicted you are, how uch it has affected your life, and begin treating it like I said before, as a disease. Cancer even. Because it's no too dissimilar. It'll wreck your life if you let it. Make rebooting your #1 priority and don't worry about anything else. Tell people about it. Get it off your chest. Took me 6 months to get to the point where I would tell someone about it, but the sooner the better.

The toughest part of this addiction is realizing how much of a grip it has on your life. Chances are, it dominates both your subconscious and your conscious minds. It has its claws in your brain. It's a fucker man, but people need to realize that if they're on this website that their lives have gotten to a pretty bad place. Realize the gravity of the situation and treat it like it's life or death. That's my number one advice.

Good luck man, I hope you and everyone else struggling beats this shit. It's robbing kids of their youth and no one in the world has the balls to talk about it except a few brave souls. Too bad it's such a taboo subject. It's like the perfect crime.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 04, 2018, 10:36:49 PM
Day 130

Been in a flatline still. Hoping it ends soon. It's weird though, because I felt pretty receptive to life today and had about 8 hours of libido before it disappeared. This process is so non-linear that it's tough to decipher what's really going on. Only time will tell.

I know that I'm close though, I can feel it. I have good days all the time, and I get erections more than I ever have before in my adult life. I have random bursts of happiness that can last for days. So fucking close man. I'm going to roar like a lion when I get rid of my flatlines for good. Might not be for another 100 days or something, but I'm going to roar nonetheless. Beating this will be a huge fucking accomplishment, the biggest I've ever had. And the most meaningful, because without getting through this initial obstacle, I'll never be able to overcome any others. This addiction robs me of my true self. It rips my soul out. Truly. No bullshit. It steals my emotions, my self-esteem, everything. It's life and death. Difference between eyes that are open and eyes that are half shut. Fuck this bullshit. I'm ready to sync up with life for good and to leave PMO addiction in the fuckin dirt where it belongs.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on March 05, 2018, 07:57:52 AM
Keep on trucking man. You're doing awesome! Flatlines are a real B****. I feel the same way as you and I'm a year in. I have really great days and some really down days, but we learn to deal with them without reaching for P like we once did. That in its self is an accomplishment. We need to keep telling our selves that.

Good luck brother,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 05, 2018, 04:44:50 PM
@iminmyway thanks man.

Day 131

Flatline will not go away. Sometimes I think that I’ll never fully recover from this nonsense. I hate it all with a passion.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 06, 2018, 12:17:13 PM
Day 132

Out of the flatline. Just like that. Feeling great today.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2018, 05:41:58 PM
Day 133

Thought about downloading dating apps. What a dumb idea. Why the heck would I risk all of the work I've done for something as silly as bumble? Thank God I didn't.

I need a change in my life. I'm stagnating. I'm excited to move to a bigger city and begin building an adult life for myself. I need to continue to focus on self improvement in the meantime, and to make more attempts to socialize. I keep getting caught up in this thought that our generation is un-social and that most people feel exactly like me. That's probably not correct and I need to stop generalizing. People my age still go on dates and go skiing and bike riding and all that other shit. It's just harder as you get older. I'm no longer young enough to spend all my time dicking around with friends. This is the time in life when people find serious partners and begin to build relationships and lives with said partners. That's the end goal for me. To get to a point where I feel both ready and confident enough to begin an adult relationship with a respectable woman. Considering the fact that I'm an introvert (except when drunk), I'm going to need to start putting myself out there more. Right now I just don't have enough accomplishments/self-esteem to naturally feel inclined to approach women. I'm fragile as fuck. My ego is shattered. I'm just learning how to live a shame-free life. More therapy along with more socialization is what I need. And to not grow impatient. Sex will come. I've waited this long for my reboot to start making me feel whole again, I can wait another several months before I copulate with a chick for fuck's sake.

It's the loneliness that get's me man. As time goes on, and as I begin my career in a larger city, most of these issues, hopefully, will slowly work themselves out. I need to bide my time and to learn patience.

Finally, I need to sit down, once I'm really feeling good, and lay out a plan for my life going forward. I need to decide what's important to me, what I want to accomplish, and to begin setting achievable goals. I don't want to rush this process because I'm still in flux as far as moods and libido are concerned, but I am getting closer to being in a place where I can make thee kinds of decisions and have confidence in them. As I return to the person who I used to be before all the porn took over, I'll have an even clearer sense of who I am and what I want out of life. And that will be the sticking point. Having the balls to go after those things. Working hard to achieve the life that I believe I deserve. That'll come with time. And vigilance.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 09, 2018, 11:17:01 AM
Day Who Gives A Shit


Switched antidepressants and I just have to say...I’m back motherfuckers. I’m my old self. Porn is a tiny blip on the radar. Consider this my success story. I’m never looking back. Turns out my real issue was a lack of Lexapro in my life. Best I’ve felt in eons. God bless America.

Victoryyyyyy! (Johnny Drama voice)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 20, 2018, 08:40:31 AM
Day 147

I will eat crow and say that though I feel much better mentally, I still experience flatlines that knock my socks off (in a bad way). When I'm not flatlining my mood is great and I feel like a normal, happy person. But when I'm flatlining, like I have been the past 5 days, I feel like shit. Nothing in life is pleasing. No joy is derived from anything. No creativity, no ambition, no nothing. It's a horrible feeling.

The past two months have been ridiculously predictable. I have 9 good days followed by 6 bad ones. Without fail. 9 days of libido followed by 6 days of flatlines. Anyone else experience this phenomenon? And if so, when does it go away? I have to admit that every time I emerge from a flatline I do feel a little bit more confident in my abstaining goals, but still. It's such a pain to build momentum if life during the good days only to see that momentum totally disappear when the flatline comes. Life is not easy as it is, and when shit like this occurs every other week I can't see how anyone would excel in anything. I'm just tired of planning my life around this addiction. I'm getting fed up with it. I hate the idea that I'm wasting days of my life, but when I'm flatlining, all I do is count down the hours until the next day. I wait. I've tried fighting it but there is no use. You can't will your way out of withdrawals. They disappear when they want to disappear. For whatever weird fucking reason, mine decide to leave after 6 days. Every time.

When using the term flatline, I feel as if there is a misconception in this community. Flatline seems like a broad term. For me, flatlines are a time of lifeless penis and depression. It's also a a time of craving, in a very weird way. I don't have a normal libido that is attracted to real life partners. It's a libido for porn. My brain wants porn, and it's willing to make me feel like ass in order for me to cave in and feed it what it wants. That's how I describe flatlines. It's a time when my brain is doing all it can to get me to relapse. It makes me feel depressed, anxious, alone, afraid, hopeless. It also removes motivation, ambition, creativity, happiness, and my dick. That thing just sits there like a soggy noodle.

My flatline times are also times when I have a little bit of semen-y stuff come out when I take dumps, and is the timeframe when I am susceptible to nocturnal emissions, usually stemming from a porn-like dream where I relapse to porn in some way shape or form. My dreams in general are shitty during the flatline, but these ones are the worst. I have one about once a flatline, and I always wake up feeling like I relapsed.

I do think that each flatline has been a little tiny bit better than the one before, but we're talking fractions. Not until they go away for good will I consider myself a normal person. For now, I'm still an addict, and porn, obviously, still has a hold over my subconscious mind. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm a severe case, which sucks so much testicles. I'm so fucking sick of this horse shit. The next generation is totally fucked man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on March 20, 2018, 09:20:47 AM
Zander13,

I feel your pain man I really do. I understand the feeling you're having. A feeling of when will you get better. When can you live a normal NO P life. A life filled with excitement for a woman again. This addiction to (A DOPAMINE HIGH) is a real bitch. But read some more success stories and really search for one that speaks to you. Take a look at my last three posts in my journal. I posted a link to a journal that is so incredible. I mean life changing and inspiring.

I myself am a worst case scenario.  :-\  I've been like this my whole life in just about everything. I was born a large problematic baby and my parents were told I would never reach 5 feet due to a stunt growth problem. I am 6'3"! I struggled in school as a kid and my parents were told I would never go to college nor find a good paying job. I wound up on the honor roll in high school then excelling in college making the deans list. I worked my ass off to find a job. I worked in ditches for years and now run a multi-million dollar construction business. I also never had a lot of friends. I was the geek in high school that never had a GF or a group to hang with. Now, I have more friends and people I care about than I ever thought possible. And I had some pretty amazing GF's. All pretty hot too. HAHA.

You want to know how I, WE get there...... WE PERSEVERE. WE TELL OURSELVES WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH. WE WORK OUR ASSES OFF AND WE WIN. WE WIN!!!!!

This holds true in this reboot. Stick with it. Read some success stories. Post on my journal and I'll respond to help and vise versa. We will succeed my friend. We will.

Keep it up and good things will happen.

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on March 20, 2018, 11:27:11 AM
Reading this topic really helps me not to give man, keep it up. Gives me so much motivation not to relapse as I'm on day 45 rn in a flatline but somehow I'm still craving p. So far my fetish has disappeared,thank God. I also know what to expect since I started following your story. Thank you man,much love!.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 21, 2018, 11:41:44 AM
@Imonmyway

Very uplifting

@Jones

Good to hear man. Thanks for commenting, means a whole lot. Made my day to read that.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 22, 2018, 06:20:17 PM
Can anyone else describe what their flatlines are like? Emotions, etc. Thanks!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 26, 2018, 04:30:33 PM
Now that I have the correct anti-depressants working for me I've found that there is only one more step to a complete recovery: rewiring. I've said this before but after doing some reading and soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that my brain needs a kick in the dick. I need to replace my relationship with porn. I need to wire myself to women. Real boobs and butts. I don't think my recovery is going to get that much better until I start rewiring.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on March 26, 2018, 07:48:45 PM
Facts
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 16, 2018, 05:43:52 PM
Been on a string of 14 days followed by relapse. Currently back on the wagon. 21 days in.

Confident that this is the final time. On an antidepressant, using an amazing recovery workshop, and am very aware of myself/emotions.

Tough to relapse but the key is that I learned from it. The only time I fap is to deal with difficult emotions. Now I know that.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 19, 2018, 05:39:33 PM
Day 24

Been in an eight day flatline. Needless to say it hasn't been easy. Pretty upset with myself for relapsing and putting myself through this process again, but I guess I had more to learn before I could succeed fully.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 09, 2018, 01:26:22 PM
Day 44

Hopefully at the tail end of a second flatline. I'm now absolutely positive that though relapses set me back, there has been a cumulative effect over the past ~3 years of nofap. I've had streaks of just about every number. Highest was 220, second highest was 150, third was 120. The point is, for someone like me who used PMO as a way to deal with negative emotions, the habit was deeply ingrained. It has taken me three solid years of Nofap for me to be where I'm at. My confidence has never been higher, and I feel as if a healthy libido is right around the corner. My dreams, finally, no longer involve porn. My psyche has taken a turn towards reality. Porn scenes rarely, if ever, pop up in my head anymore.

Abstinence definitely helps with PMO. It's a must. But I've also become a much stronger, fuller person throughout my journey. I've grown as big as the problem. It's no longer some mysterious monster. It's just a tool that I used to manage my emotions. Something that I could rely on to numb me out. Make all the feels go away.

I'm in the midst of a 24 hour fast, just another one of the many habits I've accumulated throughout the journey. Meditation, cold showers, list of values, working out, reading. I'm almost to the point where I see my addiction as a blessing. It's turned me into someone who is much stronger than most of my peers. I don't even have to try and appear confident, I AM confident. And once the flatlines go away I'll be one of the only guys out there who can enter a social situation as a NORMAL MALE with a NORMAL LIBIDO. I imagine it'll be pretty spectacular--not being an afraid little boy when a girl walks in the room.

Can't wait to feel that natural, emotional attraction. Haven't had it since I was about 12 years old. Bring on the feels, and the boners, and the things that I get to look forward to since I've never experienced them before, such as a real relationship with a loving partner.

I have about 2 or 3 days left on my flatline (if history is any indicator). Can't wait to see where things will go from there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 17, 2018, 12:09:25 PM
Day 52

Been a fairly shitty past couple weeks. Had more bad days than good. Hopefully things will start to get better.

Each time I relapse, the severity of the relapse has shaped how much pain I endure during rebooting. Not that I plan on relapsing ever again, but I just want to inform people about it. If you relapse, don't binge man. The withdrawals equal how much chemicals you put into yourself during a binge. The higher the high, the lower the lows. Especially when you haven't done it in a while.

I'd equate porn addiction to drug addiction. For sure. The amount of pain I've experienced is out of this world. Emotional, psychological pain. All in the name of disgusting, diabolical, sinful horse shit known as pornography.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Stiffy on July 21, 2018, 04:16:47 AM
Don’t stop man. I went ~20ish days this go round then relapsed. Now almost 4 days into it after that. I’m not looking at this as an all or nothing type of thing like I did in the past and tend to do with most things. It’s a cumulative healing in my book. That’s not to excuse relapse as I’m trying to avoid it at all costs. Taking more and more precautionary measures as I go along and the opportunity comes up.

Anyways, I was having a difficult time and found your journal. It has inspired me for the night. Thank you brother.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 30, 2018, 12:05:15 PM
@Stiffy

You're right. You're totally right. My healing has been an accumulation of 3-4 years of work. Since I was watching weird shit at high rates when I was most vulnerable (14-18), it has taken me a long time to get to the point that I'm at today. It's definitely been an accumulation. I've actually gotten to a point where porn no longer invades my dreams at night. It's as if I've slowly scrubbed it away from my subconscious. I'm very proud of that fact, though always weary of a relapse.

It's day 64 I believe. Or maybe 65. I have an excel calendar that I've used for the past ~3 years to keep track of moods, flatlines, etc., and I unfortunately don't have it in front of me right now.

I do honestly feel as if if I'm close to being a complete success story. I've regained some trust in myself, which is a totally new feeling for me. I still have a long way to go though.

For me, true healing was about becoming much more in tune with my emotions/moods/thoughts. It was about learning who I was as a person, and why the addiction had grown to what it had become. I was hiding myself behind it. And then, when I wanted to get rid of it, my brain had a very hard time letting go. It was deeply ingrained in my psyche. Still is, probably always will be, but nowhere near as much. I'm finally able to think about Life (with a capital "F") things, like money, career, ambitions, relationships. All very new experiences for me. I had no idea how much headspace/energy I'd been using on trying not to PMO. On ruminating about all the time I'd wasted, flatlines, penis issues, etc.

I no longer wish to be PMO free so I can screw hot chicks, or to get constant erections all the time. That stuff is nice to have, and it's definitely a good feeling to get a boner that you haven't seen since before high school, but all that is secondary to the idea that I'm a more rounded, mature person. I know myself. At least a little bit. I'm starting to figure out who I am and where I fit into this world. I've started building some values, though I'm still not stable enough for them to be that specific.

Authenticity is something that's at risk in today's culture. I truly believe that. And the reason I know is because the more authentically I act, the more uncomfortable people can be. People do not value emotions or love anymore. It's all about the status. The likes. The boobs. The power. It's sad, it does nothing other than make me sad--and worried about the future.

Technology has brought us a lot of good things, but I'm afraid that part of our humanity has been lost in the ether. Things like porn, and instagram, and all that nonsense are not good for us. They're just not. They devalue the singularity of humans on an individual basis. Technology has made us try and quantify the human soul. People are more than just a series of 1's and 0's, and no computer or camera or app or any of that crap could every come close to pinpointing what each member of our human race is about. We are infinitely complex, and in a very beautiful way. So learn to embrace yourselves. To accept the fact that we are flawed. And that the flaws are what what's good about you. The more intricate you are, the more interesting. Technology has taught us to hide our intricacy, and that's a recipe for disaster. Things like trump getting elected are only a by-product of what has been happening to our culture.

Sorry for the epic rant, but I want to start spreading some opinions that are in favor of treating people like people. Of valuing authenticity and creativity and emotions. We need to get in-tune with ourselves. To test the waters a little. Try on different hats.

Rant finished.



Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 01, 2018, 03:00:29 PM
Day 67

I'm in a terrible flatline. Feel like dogshit. Cannot fucking wait for this to be over. I don't ever want to forget the pain of this shit. It'll help me avoid relapsing and further withdrawals. The price I pay for a relapse is ridiculously high. Doesn't seem fair, but that's life. Once I move forward I'll be a stronger person.

Fuck does this suck though. Can hardly think.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: CrookedKoala on August 01, 2018, 04:54:13 PM
zander13, I enjoy reading your insightful posts. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 03, 2018, 09:51:54 AM
Day 69

Still going through the flatline. Day 7/9. Brutal man. Truly shitty. Life feels difficult and tragic. I need to realize that the thoughts I'm having are temporary and aren't the real me. Once this is all over, I'll be my true self. Haven't been that guy since I was freakin' 15 years old. I wonder what he's like.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 04, 2018, 02:13:20 PM
Day 70

Day 8/9 of flatline (the reason I use the number 9 is because the last two I've had both lasted 9 days. Go figure.)

It hasn't been that bad. I view my flatlines as mountains. The middle of them is usually the peak, the hardest part. Now, I'm climbing back down. By day 10 I should be back on the ground, though I could be wrong. Nothing is guaranteed.

I'm at least able to get things done and not be so anxiety-riddled that breathing is just about the only task that I can accomplish. Seriously, that's how bad I feel sometimes. All I can do is breathe and wait for the monster to pass by.

I'm starting to feel like a true adult, I will say that.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 06, 2018, 03:48:19 PM
Day 72

Out of the flatline. Feeling great. Mindfulness is up there. Life is stabilizing. Values are in place, boundaries are in place.

No longer have a set benchmark I want to hit. Just want to continue to live mindfully and purposefully. Life seems much simpler these days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Recovery Will Come on August 07, 2018, 05:26:25 AM
Wow this is so inspirational keep it up!!!! Last year I made it to 10 weeks then made the mistake of going back on social media... Relasped shortly after and just starting my reboot at day 1 today... This happened he’s me so much motivation to go all the way.. If I can make it to 64 days I can definitely make it to 90 days and reach recovery in the future!! Keep on trucking we got this man!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 07, 2018, 05:40:15 PM
Day 73

Still feeling good about the reboot. I don't plan on having any withdrawal symptoms that will be anywhere near as bad as the first 70 days.

I'm now beginning the process of tapering off my antidepressant. Though it definitely helped me get out of my depression, I don't like what it did to my creativity. I'm going to take a 150mg dose of Wellbutrin and that's it. Today is day 1 of stopping Lexapro. I've slowly went from 15mg to 10mg to 5mg and now to nothing. I feel dizzy and little out of it, but nothing compared to the withdrawals of PMO. Just goes to show how powerful this addiction is. It's mind-blowing.

Now that I consider myself to be in a good place with porn, I'm going to start delving out some advice.

The first bit I have is for people to realize just how big a role PMO has played in your life up until this point. Be honest. I'm guessing it's a lead performer. The Tom Hardy of your movie.

Next, realize that in order to beat it, you must give it the respect it deserves. For the longest time, I tried to shrug PMO addiction off as a minor nuisance. Something that I'd deal with "once I grew up". The problem is, that never happens if you're still addicted. You'll be the same person you were yesterday. Trust me on this one.

I'll continue to elaborate as time goes on. Sorry for the poor quality of my writing today--the lexapro tapering has me a little off-kilter.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 08, 2018, 11:03:53 AM
Day 74

Best day of my reboot so far. Had a vivid, emotional, nostalgic, painful, life-affirming dream last night, and I woke up today feeling propelled by the goodness in the world.

I'm definitely not fully healed from PMO addiction, but I'm up there. I just know it. Emotions are coming back to me. The essence of life. Jesus, it's actually sad to think about how much of my life I've lived without the ability to experience true emotion. PMO is quite literally the devil. It deprived me of a very solid chunk of my life. But I can't focus on that right now. I'm 27 years old, and I have a lot of time to make up for.

The future excites me. There's no other way to put it. But I can never, ever let my guard down. If anything, I need to re-double my anti-PMO efforts. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do today. I'm going to review some Recovery Nation stuff and remind myself about what I need to do in order to remain permanently porn free.

All I have to say is this: for those of us who are deeply addicted to pornography, life will never be as good as it can be while addicted. PMO free is a REQUIREMENT for those of us who wish to live a full life. It's the sad, ugly, blunt truth. And sugar-coating it doesn't help anybody. Something I've realized these past few weeks is how lacking this world is in honesty these days. It's simply no longer a national value. So no wonder we are where we are. With the president we currently have. When important values like integrity and honesty disappear, shit like Trump happens.

So start being fucking HONEST. To yourself and others. Don't allow the crowd to sway you from the truth. Because trust me, the crowd doesn't know what the fuck it's talking about. ZERO. Trust yourself. And your instincts. Right now, for the majority of you, they are buried beneath years of, well, burials. But they're still there somewhere. Start accessing them. Dig them up.

Be honest! You're an addict. Your life is nowhere near as good as it could be. Your emotions aren't being felt. Your ability to love is severely hampered. And society is very much okay with all that. In fact, that's the trend. To ignore emotions in favor of results. well, you know what? Fuck that. Ask some questions. Free yourself from the horse shit that is American culture. We've only been around for ~250 years. That's nothing! We don't know shit, except "winning". What does "winning" even mean? Most money? Most war "wins"? We don't even fucking know who we are.

Sorry about the rant there. Wow. Shit got away from me. But still. Be honest. I guess that's the message of today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 09, 2018, 10:19:44 AM
Day 75

I'm on day 3 of my lexapro taper. Feeling very dizzy and not myself, though I can sense that it will be over soon. I cannot wait to return to my creativity. I've missed it so much. It's all I really have. It's my identity. Without writing, I'm just another Johnny Pencilpusher who doesn't know who he is in this world--struggling to do my best to make others think that I have my life together. Nothing tearing at the seams.

Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. With yourself. Fuck others for now. Others are half the reason you're in this mess. Trying to bow to the will of the masses. Fit in, or else. Right? I think authenticity is under fire right now from all angles. Conservative machismo's with tiny penises want everyone to think like them. Treat people like numbers and statistics. Fucking losers is what they are. "Oh I'm a CEO, that must make me a good person, right? I WORK HARD, therefore I'm a true blue, integrity-filled American. I make MONEY, and lots of it. You make next to nothing, you're value-less." Yeah you know what? GO fuck yourselves.

Be an original for fuck's sakes. Be yourself. No one else can do it for you. Stop masturbating your emotions away for some ideal that you've been spoon fed since you were too young to make decisions for yourself. Do NoFap because you want to rescue yourself. Your authentic, unadulterated self. And please, please, please, don't do it for anyone else.

My biggest piece of advice is to ask questions. Always. Don't just blindly follow rules. Get to the bottom of things. And you'll soon figure out that a lot of people in this world are operating out of their egos. The need for power. To be "better than". Sad but honest truth. Even your parents.

The sooner you see each group of individuals as a tiny Shakespeare play playing itself out in real life, the more you'll be able to act otherwise.

God bless everyone and embrace uniqueness. It's all you've really got.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Recovery Will Come on August 11, 2018, 09:03:00 AM
Keep going man this is inspirational... Gives me motivation to keep trucking... Continue to he great!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 03, 2018, 06:59:01 PM
@Recovery

Sorry for such a late reply--but thank you. I hope all goes well for you.

So I'm on day 55 right now. I relapsed on day 80 something in my last streak because I fucked around with my antidepressants and drank too much one night. That's all it took.

I do feel as if this is my last "streak", because I'm not so obsessed with the days. The only thing I've been thinking and worrying about is the flatlines and withdrawals I'm experiencing. I read on yourbrainonporn.com that the whole "abstain for a long time and then binge relapse" is very hard on the brain. It makes the withdrawals even more painful. Which is true. Though I believe I'm in my final withdrawal, the three that I've experienced during these past 55 days have been hellish. My brain actually smarts at certain times. It's like I can feel the healing occuring. I imagine my brain going through an assembly line of those robots you see in stars wars that were responsible for making robots like C3Po. The ones that have a saudering (spelled wrong but I don't know correct spelling) needle at the end.

Anyways, the good news is that my dick has been hanging low and has been consistently appearing more full and regular. Sorry for the details but I believe that a lot of guys want to know the details, for their own sakes.

I'm not bragging in any way when I say that I've become a mastery in recovery. I'm a master only in the sense that I know what certain indicators mean. I know the timing of things. I can predict when flatlines will begin and I can roughly predict when they will end. It's shocking how structured the timing is with this shit. There is definitely a strong correlation between the timing of your relapses and the timing of the withdrawals. Which reinforces the concept that if you do relapse, make it short. And don't do it again. Yes, your progress doesn't get erased--but, if you're like me, and you've struggled with single day binges followed by long streaks, then I highly advise you to avoid a lengthy relapse. The amount of damage you due to your brain while looking at fetish porn, the worse off you're going to be for the next couple months.

I really don't crave porn anymore. And I don't dream about it either. That I attribute to the long term progress. The idea that even though I've failed a lot, I've slowly been climbing up the hill, and despite relapses, I've come closer and closer to the top since Day 1 of this journey.

I was a deeply, deeply addicted person. I'm a severe case. I don't want others to think that their journey will be as strenuous as mine. I just so happened to have depression along with the PMO stuff, and, honestly, the depression was the root of the problem. So don't fret.

I would say that the reason the addiction became so ingrained in me was due to a number of reasons. The first was that I was using it to quell the emotions that were brewing inside of me during my adolescence. Though I wasn't depressed then, I have always been a very sensitive person. And that sensitivity completely clashed with my surroundings. My father is kind of a dickhead. He's type A as shit, and would try and change me when I said and did things that he thought were soft. What a fucking idiot he could be sometimes. There's a lot of resentment there. Anyways, because I couldn't express myself growing up, I buried all of my thoughts and ideas into porno. And since my older brother did me the favor of introducing me to fetish porn at the age of 15, the typhoon was ready to form. And it did. By the end of high school I was watching all the worst kind of shit the internet could offer. And I was scared. I had no self confidence because of the way my family saw me--and I've been trying to recover ever since. But the problem was that porn was already a massive problem--and learning things about myself was next to impossible.

Though I have always been able to have streaks (I had one for 120 days when I was a senior in college), the shit was so deeply embedded into my neurological structure that any relapse felt like the world was ending. And, on top of that, my depression arrived, making it to where PMO couldn't even stop my sadness.

Fast forward to today, and I feel a lot less innocent than most people. I'm sure most of us do. We know what pain feels like inside and out. We know how low a human can feel. We know how cruel it seems that just because we were horny as teenagers, we've been, seemingly, forever punished.

I don't really have any answers when it comes to reconciling with the fact that I've wasted so many years of my youth on porn (and not because I watched a lot, but because of the flatlines and withdrawals and the worrying and the thought loops). What I can say is that I'm very much ready to truly begin the new chapter. I'm not ever going to laugh at the incest porn I watched, I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point, but I will do my best to put it as far behind me as I can. And that has begun with me finding my passion in life. The better I get at what I love to do, the better I feel, and the further away I get from the young boy who couldn't stop watching porn.

One reason I feel so confident in my sobriety is that I've been able to separate myself from my addiction. It isn't me. It never was. It was more of a virus. Something that infected me.

The last thing I want to say is to make sure that you're realizing why you're failing, and to constantly try and adopt new techniques to fight porn. Because they, without you realizing it, become just as much of a habit as the porn was. You'll start meditating without having to force yourself. You'll automatically avoid nudity in movies and shows, you'll think social media is a shithole. You'll avoid things without even realizing you're avoiding them.

There's no magic bullet to this evil. It has made me queswion the very nature of existence and of God himself. How could he let me, after so much hard work and wasted time, experience yet another flatline? But there it is. And here we are. Free will is definitely a thing fellas. He doesn't control everything. He created a world and let us play around with it. He created some laws and let us roam free. Or maybe we're all just a bunch of really smart primates. Who the fuck knows anymore. All I know is that there are fun things to do in this life, and it's about fucking time I start experiencing them fully, this time with the confidence of knowing that I'm being my true self.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 06, 2018, 10:58:35 AM
Day 50 something

Still in a flatline. Last night I woke up because the withdrawal was so strong. It's insane how its crescendos. It is very much like a wave.

I hope this is my last flatline, but I could be in for another one. I'm 9 days into my current one, and it is definitely wearing on me. Hard. It really tests your fortitude.

Wish me luck on making it through these flatlines boys. They are, by far, the hardest part.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 11, 2018, 10:35:17 AM
Day 61

I believe this is the final day of my current flatline. It’s been 14 days of boredom and anxiety. Very excited for what the future holds.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Do or die on October 11, 2018, 10:24:21 PM
congratulations
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on October 12, 2018, 07:29:08 PM
Hey mate I'm also in a terrible flatline and I don't know when it's going to end,shit scares the hell out of me everyday it's like I'm stuck or some shit. I'm on day 110 btw. >:(
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 14, 2018, 09:49:16 AM
@do or die  thanks man.

@jones

Yeah I was wrong about my flatline. It's still going on. I agree, it's scarier than shit. Feels like it's never going to end.

Good luck man and keep me updated. I'll do the same. And congrats on 110 days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 22, 2018, 01:47:11 PM
Day 72

My last flatline was fucking brutal. It lasted like 18 days. Then it ended, and life became pretty magical. But now, after 6 days of bliss, I’m back in a flatline. I know that it won’t be nearly as tough as my last one, but it’s still going to blow major ass. At this point all I can is make the best of a bad situation. Because I’m so close, and life has never been better for me. I’m really coming into my own, and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done to get here.

I’ll let this forum know when I get to the other side. Who knows how long it will take. Wish me luck everyone.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 23, 2018, 03:07:58 PM
Day 73

Fuck boys, this shit is brutal. Hope it doesn’t last that long, I’m fucking sick of it to be honest.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 27, 2018, 08:19:51 PM
Day 77

Total the flatline is fucking killing me. So ducking close to the finish though—on days when I’m not flatlining my libido is the best it’s ever been. Very attracted to girls when my dick isn’t sucked into my gut like an outie belly button
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on October 28, 2018, 04:07:02 AM
I know how you're feeling bro. I feel like my dick is so desentitized that  even if  I cut it off, I couldn't tell the difference. I even think it wouldn't hurt.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 10:35:13 AM
@Kdot

Might as well be cut off at this rate
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 11:42:14 AM
Day 78

Dick and mood are both in hell right now. FUCK THIS SHIT!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Frank123 on October 28, 2018, 12:40:41 PM
hello how are you going? I was following your story but it's been a while since you wrote. I hope you are well.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 02:05:28 PM
hello how are you going? I was following your story but it's been a while since you wrote. I hope you are well.

Honestly man, I’m doing well. Thanks for asking and for saying that. How are you doing?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 29, 2018, 03:17:07 PM
Day 79

Withdrawal shave been so bad that’s it’s been hard to think. Pure pain. Never knew that one little relapse could hurt so fucking much for so fucking long. Doesn’t add up. This shit will knock society on its ass. I’m calling it right now. I’m a tough person who has things to look forward to—I can’t imagine the havoc it would wreak on people with less self control. Fucking terrible feeling—makes you feel so isolated and unloveable it’s insane. Diabolical. Devilish.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 30, 2018, 09:17:58 AM
Day 80

Headed to NYC to stay with a friend for a while. If I like it—I’m going to move there and never look back. It’ll be the best fresh start I can think of. I want to go to Columbia and get my masters in clinical psychology to become a therapist. Also going to write fantasy stories on the side.

To me—porn is a thing of the past. And I’m a ridiculously strong person now after enduring all of the pain. Not done with it yet, but it’ll eventually go away.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 31, 2018, 12:02:50 PM
Day 81

New York City is trying its hardest to alleviate my withdrawal symptoms, but I still feel them. I am definitely going to move here though. I’d wager that PMO addiction isn’t prevalent here—there is too much life happening. No boredom.

Hopefully flatline will end soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: johnleesmith65 on October 31, 2018, 12:37:28 PM
Do you have plans for your addiction, when your brain and body will get use to of New York
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 31, 2018, 04:20:45 PM
Do you have plans for your addiction, when your brain and body will get use to of New York

My plans are to not relapse.

But no, I would say my plans are too continue to meditate and be mindful of urges, etc. also, I plan on growing as a person, which is a natural way of combating this shit. I’ll never let my guard down again though. Most important thing is to nip any pornographic thoughts in the bud.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 01, 2018, 09:58:49 AM
Day 82

Woke up without any kid if release from flatline. Usually mornings are good. I don’t know if this is a sign that flatline will end earlier than I predicted or if puxatawnee Phil saw his shadow and I have another six weeks of winter.

My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful. Like my brain fucking hurts, no joke. It’s like the opposite of the best orgasm I’ve ever had.

As always, can’t fucking wait to have my brain back. I miss it. I really do. Life is so boring and emotionless during these flatlines. All I can do is survive and watch time as it goes by.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 03, 2018, 08:39:38 AM
Day 84

Still in the fucking flatline. Should be ending in the next couple days. I hope to god that another one doesn’t immediately take this ones place. I’m tired of living life like this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 03, 2018, 10:38:05 PM
Quote
My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful.
I think we have something in common. I'm experiencing literally everything you said. I just went 123 days and I relapsed and I was  in the flatline from day 1-123. It's crazy,most times I just feel like I'll never recover.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: johnleesmith65 on November 04, 2018, 01:08:09 AM
Day 84

Still in the fucking flatline. Should be ending in the next couple days. I hope to god that another one doesn’t immediately take this ones place. I’m tired of living life like this.
Good thing is that you are progressing in your recovery.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 06, 2018, 12:12:52 PM
Quote
My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful.
I think we have something in common. I'm experiencing literally everything you said. I just went 123 days and I relapsed and I was  in the flatline from day 1-123. It's crazy,most times I just feel like I'll never recover.


During my longest streak (~210 days) I was the same as you. I had only just started coming out of the flatline towards the end. I promise you that as long as you don't fall back into the pattern of PMO, then the progress you made during your streak was not lost. You're slowly phasing porn out of your brain. For people like us, this process takes a long, long time. Porn is ingrained in us. We watched it when our brains were at their most plastic (malleable). All we can really do is move forward, as much as the flatlines are just pure fucking hell. At least we'll be tough people because of all the suffering, however unfair it may seem.

Hope this helps man. I wish you the best of luck. Hope I didn't sound too patronizing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 06, 2018, 12:14:26 PM
Day 87

Go out and vote! And vote Democrat!

Today is, hopefully, the final day of my flatline. 17 Days of living life in a half-assed manner. It's going to feel so good to be out of it. I cannot fucking wait. Seriously.

Once again, I hope and pray that this is the last one.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 06, 2018, 06:49:09 PM
Quote
I promise you that as long as you don't fall back into the pattern of PMO, then the progress you made during your streak was not lost
Hmmm...since my last relapse my libido raises a bit and most times my mood is alright. 2 days ago on day 4 I felt some nasty withdrawal symptoms though it was crazy. But today and yesterday was fine.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 10, 2018, 05:58:15 PM
Day 91

Wet dreams have been throwing me into flatlines I think. Sucks but all I can do is endure. This addiction sure does suck up a lot of time. Jesus fucking Christ.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on November 11, 2018, 05:35:17 AM
Day 91

Wet dreams have been throwing me into flatlines I think. Sucks but all I can do is endure. This addiction sure does suck up a lot of time. Jesus fucking Christ.

I got the same problem bro, after every wet dream I feel asexual
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 11, 2018, 04:52:06 PM
@kdot. Yeah it’s the worst. I’m not very interested in the things I usually am because of it.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 12, 2018, 12:48:17 PM
Day 93

I think the flatline is over!! Holy shit! 23 days! I forgot that life could be this good. Hope it doesn’t go away anytime soon, I could get used to this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 12, 2018, 02:25:29 PM
 ;D That's so awesome man,glad to here you're out. Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 13, 2018, 07:20:28 PM
@jones thank you man.

Day 94

I was wrong. Flatline is still with me, just getting weaker. Hopefully it’ll go for good soon!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 14, 2018, 11:57:35 AM
Day 95

I now know what happened. On day 17 I would’ve been out of flatline, but I had a lucid dream late morning in which I had sex with a faceless girl and came. It wasn’t typical wet dream—it felt very good. THAT is why I’m in flatline still. It’s basically a second one right on top of the first. This one could last for another 7 days, but who knows.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 15, 2018, 01:07:42 PM
Day 96

Came out of the flatline last night at around 12:30. Then, because I took a sleeping pill, I had trouble getting out of bed and did some lucid dreaming. I, of course, had a sex dream and woke up while I was in the middle of having a wet dream.

I hope I the fucking lord that this won’t affect anything. I feel okay right now and my dick isn’t shriveled or anything, but I’m still worried. Fucking hell man.

Hopefully the wet dream is only a minor setback, and the after effects are minimal.

Regardless, I’m in the fucking home stretch.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on November 17, 2018, 07:00:44 AM
Thanks for your nice words on my journal!  :)

Due to your comment I discovered your story and read it from beginning to now, it is really inspiring to see your dedication and how the success pays off. Your relapses in between your major streaks surely haven't been a setback to 0 and you keep advancing, I am sure you will manage to return to your old and original self, just keep going!

You left out one part of the story after this entry:

Now that I have the correct anti-depressants working for me I've found that there is only one more step to a complete recovery: rewiring. I've said this before but after doing some reading and soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that my brain needs a kick in the dick. I need to replace my relationship with porn. I need to wire myself to women. Real boobs and butts. I don't think my recovery is going to get that much better until I start rewiring.

Did you actually start rewiring and seeing girls? Did it affect you in a negative way? I ask because I'd agree on the statement above (works for me) and wonder how it worked for you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 19, 2018, 07:48:44 PM
Day 100

Keep on keepin' on.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 24, 2018, 06:15:49 PM
Day 105

35th day of my flatline. Judging by the severity of my withdrawals today--my brain is going to make a pretty big push (for me to watch porn) tonight. Usually when that happens, the next day is very good.

I hope that my flatline will end tonight. I'm very much ready to rejoin the world!

Optimistic!!

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 28, 2018, 11:34:50 PM
Day 109

Still in a flatline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 29, 2018, 03:46:49 PM
Day 110

Flatline has now hit the 40 day mark.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 01, 2018, 02:12:30 PM
Day 112

Still flatlining
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 03, 2018, 12:00:51 AM
Day 113

Huge change today!


Still flatlining
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on December 03, 2018, 10:46:14 AM
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: MoJi on December 06, 2018, 01:50:07 PM
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 06, 2018, 08:29:09 PM
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.

Best piece of advice I have: meditate.

Good luck man, and thanks for the shout out!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 06, 2018, 08:30:04 PM
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....

Dude it's been long. Too long. But thanks for the shout out, and good luck on your own journey. I wish you the best, and then some.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 07, 2018, 11:33:57 PM
Day 118

Best day of my reboot so far. Flatline may be over, but even if it isn't, I am so thankful for today.

God fuckin' bless.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 12, 2018, 03:36:22 PM
Day 123

Another good day. Previous 4 were awful, so I'm super glad to have a good one.

I'm too battle-hardened to say that I'm out of the flatline, but it does feel good to have a positive day. They are good reminders of what this process is all about--becoming a version of myself that had been buried underneath years of PMO.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 13, 2018, 07:20:04 PM
Day 124

I'm getting eviscerated by the flatline right now. Yesterday was short-lived.

I've never experienced such pain before in my life. I can't fucking stand this horse shit anymore. When am I gunna be able to live my fucking life like a normal fucking person. God fucking damn it man, this is horse shit. I don't fucking believe in anything anymore. Life is just a random assortment of molecules, and there's no fucking point to any of it. FUCK THIS SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 15, 2018, 11:53:34 PM
Day 126

Had another shit day today, though the day before wasn't bad at all. Fucking back and forth man. At least it's a different pattern than before. Nights aren't as bad at all, and my dreams are completely porn/relapse free. Now I just have vivid dreams that are, honestly, insane (not in a bad way). I know my antidepressants play into the chaoticness of my dreamworld.

I think it's safe to say that porn has been slowly removed from my subconscious. I like to think of it as the shit we leanred in grade school. It stuck with me for a long time, but as time went by, I slowly forgot most of it. Same thing with porn, in a weird way.

I know it will always be with me, and I'll forever be an addict (of the highest order), but I do believe in the idea that as time has gone on in my rebooting life, I've gone back in time. And by that I mean that when I do have urges, they're for earlier and earlier porn scenes. Like, as I watched Netflix today, a flashback to an old scene I used to watch all the time flooded my mind. With mindfulness, I was able to draw my attention away from the urge, but I think it's interesting. I read about this idea on YBOP, so I know I'm not crazy.

My dreams have included people from my high school days too. It's like I'm going back in time with everything. Releasing all of the emotions and memories I trapped up in there with porn. They're finally being let go.

Sometimes I think this rebooting process is unfair horse shit, and other days I see it as a way of life forcing me to endure all of the stuff I ignored through porn. Who knows. Regardless, I still want it to end. I'm not enamored with the withdrawal process. The sooner it get's done--the better.

I just can't wait to live life completely withdrawal/porn free. It'll be a totally new thing.

All I can do is keep surviving. Keep moving forward. My habits are good, I know how to avoid relapse--all I have to do is stick to the program.

One guy wrote in his journal that porn was like an arrow. It goes in super easily, but it's fucking terrible to pull it out. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 16, 2018, 02:38:03 PM
Day 127

Masturbated to stimulation and little fantasy this morning. Not porn fantasy, just thought of a girl.

I felt like I needed to try something different, so we'll see how it goes. At the moment, feels like I let off a release valve. We'll see how things go from here.

I will say that I feel some brain fog--but that's a small price to pay. No guilt or shame, and no feeling like shit (so far).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 16, 2018, 04:19:20 PM
Update:

Feeling depressive. Still don't know how it'll affect the severity of the withdrawals I was experiencing, but I definitely feel like shit right now. Hopefully something good will come out of the decision.

I need to make some life changes though. I'm teetering right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 07, 2019, 05:46:04 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 05:47:37 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

So you binged. So did I, yesterday. I need to sort everything out. I can't fool around anymore.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 08, 2019, 07:25:49 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 07:36:23 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 08, 2019, 08:05:02 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.

If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 08:26:06 AM
If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros

Flatline is like chemically cutting off your dick anyway.

Van Gogh didn't cut off his dick :)))) And he is not the only one in history who cut his ear but maybe he was the first one? Chopper cut both of his ears but not himself, he put other guy to do it. Anyway, both were fucking sick guys (o.O) I don't wanna do none of that shit.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2019, 12:19:25 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

I can't tell you how much this helped me my friend. Really. Thank you so much. And I agree with what you say, you're right.

God bless man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2019, 12:24:55 PM
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 12:26:52 PM
Man, let me join you. I'm desperate. I can't do anything alone. I keep relapsing after 3 days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 11, 2019, 06:51:01 AM
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.

Glad to see you're inspired man. It' s easier when you share your story with other people who can relate. I'll continue to follow your journal, you can count on me
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 15, 2019, 12:46:06 PM
Day 19

Masturbated this morning. It was because I started to feel some withdrawals, and just didn't want to go through them. But I know that if I'm going to beat this thing then I have to battle through the withdrawals. There is no other way out of it.

My plan is simple:

My goal is still 365 days. And I don't count masturbating to past sex encounters a relapse, so I'm still on day 19. Anyways, what I'm going to do, or continue to do, is meditate for at least 20 minutes a day. Luckily, that's already a habit of mine, and it won't be hard at all to keep it going

I will also continue taking my antidepressant every day.

I will stick to Recovery Nation as my tool for recovery, building values to help me maintain stability.

I will workout as often as I can, without turning it into a chore.

I will play video games when the withdrawals get really bad, and not feel guilty about it. This next year is all about quitting porn. I don't care if I spend 200 hours playing video games, as long as I can live the rest of my life porn free.

I will write short stories when I'm feeling good, but not get upset on the days that I can't.

I will no longer masturbate unless I feel a heavy, heavy relapse coming, which hopefully won't happen since I've been meditating daily.

And that's it. I gotta keep it simple. Ther more complicated it gets, the more chances of me getting disappointed in myself.

I envision a version of me 365 days from now, and it makes me happy. He'll be more attuned with life, he'll be attracted to real women, and he'll be so proud of what he has overcome.

This addiction has taken so much from me, and I have now adopted the mentality that porn is no longer an option. period. It'll literally wreck my brain and my life. Relapse is not an option.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 16, 2019, 05:01:45 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 16, 2019, 06:37:23 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Are you dating? You should also start to do some rewiring and it will make you resist porn easier later in the proccess (I fell that way now)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2019, 02:40:17 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Are you dating? You should also start to do some rewiring and it will make you resist porn easier later in the proccess (I fell that way now)

I agree with you 100%, I do need to get back out there. My confidence is low, and I need to start doing shit to get it back up.

Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 03:49:23 PM
Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.

Zander, you're dealing with depression too. I really know what it's like. I've been battling depression for about 10 years. I had a period of crippling depression, if you know what I mean. The one where you can't function too well, walking like a zombie. But I've only been on medication once, I got addicted to it and I refused to take it again, despise the level of my depression. I think it was a good decision in a way because I didn't need another problem on my shoulders, being addicted to some pills.
The thing is, I've identified the source of my depression and I had to do something about it if I wanted to have a chance. I needed to do some changes in my thinking. And after I did that for a while, my depression got way better. Now, I don't suffer from that everyday, chronic depression anymore but I'm vulnerable to depressing episodes. For example, I just had one in the last few days. Now I'm better. I have to try to be less depressive because it hurts, man. I know very well how it hurts.
Good luck with this, man. I'm with you, as a guy who understands depression and what it really feels like.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2019, 07:49:13 PM
Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.

Zander, you're dealing with depression too. I really know what it's like. I've been battling depression for about 10 years. I had a period of crippling depression, if you know what I mean. The one where you can't function too well, walking like a zombie. But I've only been on medication once, I got addicted to it and I refused to take it again, despise the level of my depression. I think it was a good decision in a way because I didn't need another problem on my shoulders, being addicted to some pills.
The thing is, I've identified the source of my depression and I had to do something about it if I wanted to have a chance. I needed to do some changes in my thinking. And after I did that for a while, my depression got way better. Now, I don't suffer from that everyday, chronic depression anymore but I'm vulnerable to depressing episodes. For example, I just had one in the last few days. Now I'm better. I have to try to be less depressive because it hurts, man. I know very well how it hurts.
Good luck with this, man. I'm with you, as a guy who understands depression and what it really feels like.

Thanks man. Yeah, I thought I could beat it without medication, but I can't, at least not right now. Especially when dealing with this stupid addiction on top of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 18, 2019, 05:11:28 AM
Thanks man. Yeah, I thought I could beat it without medication, but I can't, at least not right now. Especially when dealing with this stupid addiction on top of it.

Yeah, man, I know how it feels. I had 3 addiction, panic attacks and chronic depression at the same time. How it hurts, only the sufferer can now, it's hard to explain it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 18, 2019, 09:02:17 PM
These are the worst withdrawals I've ever had. The manner in which I relapsed is the reason why. I edged for hours, and to hardcore stuff. It's the same thing as doing a drug. It's like I upped the dose, and prolonged it. My brain is on fire. Making me question everything. I can't believe my life has gotten this bad. All because of decision I made when I was a young kid. Oh well.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 18, 2019, 09:17:30 PM
Also--the fact that they are this bad tonight makes me think that I'll feel better tomorrow. They usually get suuuper bad when a flatline is at its end.

This is the last time I'm going through this shit man. I'll do anything in my power to get over the hill.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 19, 2019, 09:08:42 AM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 19, 2019, 12:36:06 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 19, 2019, 12:56:44 PM
Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

God gave us the "happiness", and the devil, the "pleasure". It takes a lifetime to find happiness and you don't even know what it is, you think you know. I believe it's the piece of mind but what's this I have to find out. It's a long journey but it's worth fighting for. I rather die trying to understand my happiness than die a sad addict.

On the other hand, to find pleasure you only need a few minutes of watching porn and jerking off, a few minutes until the drug starts working, a few minutes until the alcohol starts working, and all these leave you drained, sad, lonely and exhausted. It's not worth fighting to keep them in your life. I say "fighting" because that's what we do, subconsciously we fight to keep these addictions in our lives because we love the pleasure. Pleasure is amazing, man. The brain loves pleasure, that's why dopamine exists. And people mistake "happiness" for "pleasure". They are not the same thing. In many cases, they are quit opposite because years of pleasure lead to "unhappiness". Happiness is not giving in to your temptations, not living for hard pleasure, and finding your inner peace, whatever this mean I want to find one day.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 19, 2019, 01:17:57 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

I am talking in general, The most journals I read I see that shit happening. I told you once, just keep journaling. I wish you all the best my brother, you gon beat this
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 19, 2019, 05:50:11 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

I am talking in general, The most journals I read I see that shit happening. I told you once, just keep journaling. I wish you all the best my brother, you gon beat this

You're right though. I think you're in a healthier place, because you know that you're going to recover. It's like a forgone conclusion to you. I need to have that mindset. Instead of "if" I reboot, it should be "when" I reboot. I gotta start seeing these withdrawals as tools to help me become a better person. They make me tougher as a person, if nothing else.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 21, 2019, 05:16:25 PM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 22, 2019, 07:51:07 AM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 22, 2019, 12:40:08 PM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life

I was always an anxious kid, but as I got older, the anxiety started turning into something called rumination and circular thinking. Basically, I obsess over stuff over and over again, and it gets to the point where I'm immobilized by my obsession. If that sounds like you then I would go and see someone.


Day 26

In a flatline. Been here before, right? I can't lose hope. All I need is time. Meditation is my best friend right now. That and my medication. And video games. Because video games help time go by faster.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2019, 12:11:01 PM
Had this crazy dream where my best friend from when I was little was gay, and he was trying to bang me or something. And before that, I was like on a porn set, watching these people do it, and almost had a wet dream (was somehow able to stop myself). It was vivid as hell, all of it.

Seems as if my psyche is combing through my younger years, when this addiction started. I have a feeling that all of this is interconnected. Like, the deeper I get into my reboot, the further back I go in my past, until I get to where it all began. And, obviously, porn helped me cover up a lot of emotional occurrences, so now that the porn is gone, my brain is now facing those occurrences. So weird how all this works, but it lets me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and that the end is not as far away as I initially imagined 26 days ago.

I am doubling down on my efforts to thwart this thing. It is, obviously, paramount to my growth as a human. I simply cannot wait to reach my goal of 365 days. I can't even imagine what life will be like a year from now. I have so much hope.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: MoJi on January 23, 2019, 02:44:52 PM
Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2019, 06:27:48 PM
Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck

Yes, Spring is coming. I love the simplicity of that statement, because it contains so much meaning within so few words. And thank you my friend, good luck to you as well!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2019, 08:35:30 PM
Day 28

My meds are making this reboot a lot easier, because I'm no longer depressed, and stuff makes me happy. Funny how that works. I think that depression mixed with PMO addiction just totally effed me up, and I'm now on the verge of overcoming both.

I'm approaching a golden age of Alex.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 05:18:09 PM
Day 30

Had a great dream last night, it was sexual and I was involved. It was vivid as hell. Then I woke up feeling great, only to be disappointed by the afternoon, in which I experienced terrible withdrawals. I figured that I could make them easier by masturbating an hour ago, but that only made me feel worse. I don't understand the science behind masturbating, but I guess I've been open to trying new things to make my withdrawals easier. No matter. Tomorrow is another day, and I still haven't watched any porn.

I'm also ready for winter to be over. The gloomy, dark, gray skies and by depression don't mix very well.

No matter how bad things get, I need to always remember that my goal is to make it to 365 days, and that I don't even know how great life will be once I accomplish it. I've never been there before. I've never gotten over this addiction. Not since it first began, which was a long, long time ago.


Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 05:31:57 PM
Also:

My new plan is this:

For the next couple months, until flatline (hopefully) goes away


Meditate in the morning
Workout
Cardio
Eat
Play League of Legends during the afternoon, when my withdrawals are at their worst
Spend time with people
Hopefully begin my class in advertising, finish my portfolio, and get a job.


 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 07:42:56 PM
Experiencing a major chaser effect because of the masturbation session. I'm no longer going to masturbate anymore. Came very close to relapsing. My brain is devious when it comes to this shit, I mean, seriously. It's insane how it tricks me. It all started by me thinking that my life is shit because of my cirucumstances, not PMO withdrawals/addiction. Untrue. But I believed it today. I also felt bad because I had such a good dream this morning, followed by such terrible withdrawals. I felt the weight of the coming months on top of me--all the wasted days and painful withdrawals. So I masurbated, lying to myself by saying it would make the flatline easier to endure. And that has since snowballed into worrying about my future, worrying about my careeer, friends, money, etc. Like the world was dropped on top of me like one of those cartoon anvils. Which is all horseshit. As I said earlier, I know of my potential. I know that I have talent and charm and cahrisma. THIS addiction has been the major thing that's wrong, not my work ethic, or my drive, or any of that shit. I'm a good person. Porn is my vice, and it has tricked me into thinking that I'm not. My Mom also had her part to play, during her old bit of saying that my life is shit, even though she and I agreed that it would take some time for me to come out of the flatline.

Regardless, I think I've beaten the chaser, and I've come back to my original plan of weathering this storm before I try and figure out my life. If I take my eye off this addiction for ONE MOMENT, it starts to trick me.

And again, NO MORE MASTURBATION!

The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on January 26, 2019, 08:01:43 PM
The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

Have you thought of confiding a friend that you trust? I have, and it is relieving to say the least... You could also go to a SA meeting. It's a thing I consider at the moment but I fear, I'm the only one with severe PIED and a P addiction there.  ;D
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 11:33:50 PM
The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

Have you thought of confiding a friend that you trust? I have, and it is relieving to say the least... You could also go to a SA meeting. It's a thing I consider at the moment but I fear, I'm the only one with severe PIED and a P addiction there.  ;D


I emailed a therapist. Just for a human outlet to speak with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 29, 2019, 04:57:57 PM
I've relapsed 6 times in the last two days. I'm officially going to a facility in North Carolina to treat both my depression and my addiction. They don't allow electronics, so I see this as a chance for me to get a fresh start. I won't be posting on here for a while, which is probably good. I'm tired of obsessing over this addiction. I'm tired of this life. I need change. Major change. I just want to be happy.

Goodbye. Not that a stupid forum on the internet gives any shit about other people besides themselves, at the end of the day. These forums are just another way for people to be political, in the sense of attempting to have the most replies, views, and all that stupid shit. No one is here because they truly want to help others. They want to be here to help themselves. Which I guess is fine, but for me, that isn't enough. I need to have real human contact, which is a luxury in this day and age. The internet is a terrible thing. It makes people lonely. Lonelier than ever before. Instead of talking with each other we opt for the pseudo communication of "social media". Yeah, my ass. The internet is a big lie. Social media is a lie. It doesn't help us connect. It helps us isolate. Become even less human than we already are.


I'm no longer going to be a slave to modernity. Technology can go fuck itself. And I say this as I play another LEague of Legends game and watch a DVD on my Smart TV. Ironic isn't it?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on January 29, 2019, 05:36:12 PM
Sorry to hear about your relapses, Zander.

Good for you, that you've taken the courage to go to a facility that, both, helps treating your depression as your addiction. I've been to a facility to treat my depression as well 2 years ago. Honestly, I had a wonderful time (as crazy as it sounds), meeting a lot of like-minded people and I made some lasting friendships.

You are absolutely right about the internet and social media. It's extremely shallow, a rat race in the sense that people want to pretend they live perfect lives and this makes less successful people miserable. It's a complete shit show. I quit social media 7 years ago and I have never looked back. It was a great step. You don't need facebook to keep in touch with people. The people that mean something to you will stay in your life regardless.

I have to strongly disagree about this forum though. I think there are many people who like to help others. I sense, that you are very frustrated at the moment and overlook this fact. Look, I only want to speak for myself, but I spend a decent amount of time during the last days commenting on other people's journals and welcoming some people giving them advice whenever I can. Why did I do it? Because I thought, they could benefit from my advice. But I also did it to keep myself sane and keep my eyes on the prize. Hopefully, it's a win-win situation.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery both for your depression and your PMO addiction. I know, these are dark days you for at the moment (been there, done that, sometimes still go there) but better days are to come. You taking action to actively tackle your addiction and depression is a great step and I'm glad you undertook them. May it benefit you greatly.

Take care!

p.s. Make sure you find a therapist that helps you continue battling the PMO addiction after you will have left the facility. It's so easy to fall back into old habits once you're back home again.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 28, 2019, 11:39:09 AM
Day 146

My last post was filled with melancholy. As it should. Life has been difficult for me. I'm on day 146 and the past three days have been terrible. Just goes to show that recovery is non-linear. At this point I no longer wish to see myself as a child of God. I'm just a miasma of tissue and consciousness, doing his best to undo the years of abuse his brain underwent. All I care about is getting through the pain of withdrawal.

By the way, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II and am now on lithium. At least that part of my life seems to be better figured out.

This porn addiction continues to blow my mind when it comes to the amount of suffering I've felt while trying to rid myself of it. The withdrawals have been both brutal and, seemingly, endless.

Good luck to you all, nice to see some newcomers out there who are spreading the right sort of messages.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: BlueHeronFan on June 28, 2019, 06:09:55 PM
Hey, man, good to see you back on the forum, and it's great to see you're still making progress. Congrats on 146 days!

I know what you mean about feeling terrible. In the last few months, I have had the most success I can remember fending off this addiction, but I've also felt about the worst I've ever felt. I would think, if anything, that getting away from porn would automatically make everything better, but sometimes it's not like that I guess.

The bright side for me is that I would normally go deep into porn to deal with stress/sadness like what I've been dealing with, so that fact that I haven't is a huge win.

Keep fighting the good fight! We'll get there someday!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on June 28, 2019, 08:01:06 PM
Good to see you back, Zander!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Thank you for all that you do for me on June 29, 2019, 05:20:21 AM
zander13, You have worked so hard. You have given so much. You have made it through countless moments of not feeling good enough. And if there are days where you still feel discouraged, remember: you have come so far, and no matter how your low moments have made you feel, they do not define who you are  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 29, 2019, 11:59:29 AM
Good to see you back, Zander!

You too buddy.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 29, 2019, 12:05:03 PM
Day 147

Shrunken dick and balls.

What's weird about this flatline is its intensity: I honestly thought I was through the worst of it. I really did.

Hopefully it's a small blip and I'll return to normal, because before this strand of bad days I was feeling very much attracted to real women, and was having days in a row of normal, low hanging dick. My little guy actually resembled what a penis should look like, and now he's gotten all shriveled again. Just goes to show you how unpredictable this crap is. All I know is that I need to stay strong. Right now my sneaky fuck of a brain is trying to wear me down. Fuck that noise, I've come too far man.

Hears to not knowing when a flatline will end! If only we could predict this garbage right? But then it wouldn't be any fun, or difficult. And I still believe that the prize at the end of this will be worth it.

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: BlueHeronFan on June 29, 2019, 07:06:18 PM
Day 147

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.

That's fair. If there's anything I've learned through this process, it's that it's all related. Dealing with addiction is not just about fixing a part of our lives, it's about changing our whole lives. An addiction is just our brain's messed up way of trying to take care of us. Find better ways to take care of yourself, and the addiction won't seem as necessary.

Keep it going!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 30, 2019, 07:58:58 AM
Day 147

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.

That's fair. If there's anything I've learned through this process, it's that it's all related. Dealing with addiction is not just about fixing a part of our lives, it's about changing our whole lives. An addiction is just our brain's messed up way of trying to take care of us. Find better ways to take care of yourself, and the addiction won't seem as necessary.

Keep it going!

Well said my friend. This addiction of mine was, without question, a tool my brain used to quell the demons that were dancing around in my brain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 30, 2019, 11:30:36 AM
Day 148

Feeling much better today. What's confusing about this fact is that I don't know if I should attribute my good mood to lithium or to the fact that my flatline is over. I have no idea who is to blame for my depressions if I'm being honest. If any of you could share your own stories of flatlines I'd be glad to compare. Do they send you into depressions? Are your moods constantly fluctuating? Do you feel bipolar (in a way)?

In essence, I'd like to know your guys's experiences with flatlines and depressions and all that fun stuff.

Thanks,

Zander
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on June 30, 2019, 01:35:30 PM
Good to see you back around and at such an advanced streak! Keep going!  :)

Are your moods constantly fluctuating? Do you feel bipolar (in a way)?

I suffer from short and heavy mood swings that return at certain patterns throughout reboot (and therefore are definitely reboot related), but I never advanced as many days as you did.

It might take more than 5 months to recover from flatlines (Gabe Deem mentioned almost a year, if I remember correctly), so don't worry but keep going! While porn might not be the only source for feeling bad, it definitely worsens everything and you've come incredibly far already!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on July 02, 2019, 04:11:57 PM
Hey. Im like 240 something days in and still in a flatline i experience depression,anxiety,brain fog (heavy) i literally forget something you asked me to do in like 3 minutes, mood swing,panick attack,random outbursts etc (i can say ive experience all the symtoms heavily) and the fucked up thing about it they all hit at the same time. Since i pass the 4 month mark they pretty much ease alot. The mood swing is bad tbh but my panic attack(s) lasted 2 weeks which has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. It literally would start at 1 pm when i was at 4 months and it made me cried everytime it happens you literally feel next to death and get scared for no reason it makes you feel like youre on the wrong planet bro its brings self disgust etc,i even mentioned it to my mom because i thought i would die so before that happened atleast they'd have an idea what killed me... I seriously think that man. Im glad that shit stopped i used to get drunk and high at the same time to forget that shit still in a deep flatline though,since lately ive been having alot of sexual dreams with me and other girls so idk if it will give me a fucking break now for God sake. Ive even tried rewiring by forcing myself to have sex last month and i was desensitized tbh but still manage to last like 15 mins. I am open to get answers and give them so all the guys in a flatline dont just read and not say anything.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 02, 2019, 08:18:08 PM
Hey. Im like 240 something days in and still in a flatline i experience depression,anxiety,brain fog (heavy) i literally forget something you asked me to do in like 3 minutes, mood swing,panick attack,random outbursts etc (i can say ive experience all the symtoms heavily) and the fucked up thing about it they all hit at the same time. Since i pass the 4 month mark they pretty much ease alot. The mood swing is bad tbh but my panic attack(s) lasted 2 weeks which has been the worst 2 weeks of my life. It literally would start at 1 pm when i was at 4 months and it made me cried everytime it happens you literally feel next to death and get scared for no reason it makes you feel like youre on the wrong planet bro its brings self disgust etc,i even mentioned it to my mom because i thought i would die so before that happened atleast they'd have an idea what killed me... I seriously think that man. Im glad that shit stopped i used to get drunk and high at the same time to forget that shit still in a deep flatline though,since lately ive been having alot of sexual dreams with me and other girls so idk if it will give me a fucking break now for God sake. Ive even tried rewiring by forcing myself to have sex last month and i was desensitized tbh but still manage to last like 15 mins. I am open to get answers and give them so all the guys in a flatline dont just read and not say anything.

Damn man. That sounds tough as hell. Have you ever considered whether or not it's a mental illness that's causing the suffering? I'm currently in a residential healing facility for folks with mental health issues, initially believing that I was going here to sort out my addiction and depression, since life was seeming to be unlivable, at least in a productive sense. They, recently, diagnosed me with Bipolar II, rapid cycling, and I'm taking lithium. I'm pretty sure that they are correct about the diagnosis, but there is still a part of me that believes porn is to blame more than anything. Can this addiction really cause this much damage to one's mental health?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on July 04, 2019, 06:28:02 AM
Can this addiction really cause this much damage to one's mental health?

I can only speak for myself: I was heavily depressed (clinically diagnosed) for three years and I took different meds which all didn't work but make me sluggish and want to sleep 24h a day. When I started rebooting, I instantly hit a flatline that ended after 26 days with a wet dream. The day after, it was like someone had turned on the light switch in my head. I could feel my emotions again, I wanted to be social and reach out to people again, in short, I felt alive again. In the beginning, I even shed a tear a few times. Not because I was sad but because of the feeling of joy. It was super weird but at the same time felt great because being depressed (for me) feels like being dead inside. I was suicidal for a long time not because I wanted to die (I was scared shitless of it) but because I simply didn't want to exist anymore. So after the end of the flatline, my depression was cured. Simple as that. I know, it sounds totally unbelievable, but I haven't been depressed for a single day ever since. I even stopped taking my meds and I didn't notice any (negative) changes. About 10 months ago, I stopped taking my meds by accidend because I ran out off them over the weekend and I couldn't sleep for three days straight even though I was tired as hell. It was horrible. So I had to take them again. Now, I sleep like a baby and only need a few hours of sleep. It's mind-boggling. It helps my motivation to stay clean so much. In the beginning I rebooted to get rid of my PIED but now I'm really afraid to get depressed again when I start PMOing. There is a lot at stake for me.

Every person is different though. And most problems are multifactorial. So, your condition might not be caused by PMO but PMO might affect your state negatively. Do the doctors at the facility you are at know about your addiction?

Take care!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 04, 2019, 09:07:22 PM
Can this addiction really cause this much damage to one's mental health?

I can only speak for myself: I was heavily depressed (clinically diagnosed) for three years and I took different meds which all didn't work but make me sluggish and want to sleep 24h a day. When I started rebooting, I instantly hit a flatline that ended after 26 days with a wet dream. The day after, it was like someone had turned on the light switch in my head. I could feel my emotions again, I wanted to be social and reach out to people again, in short, I felt alive again. In the beginning, I even shed a tear a few times. Not because I was sad but because of the feeling of joy. It was super weird but at the same time felt great because being depressed (for me) feels like being dead inside. I was suicidal for a long time not because I wanted to die (I was scared shitless of it) but because I simply didn't want to exist anymore. So after the end of the flatline, my depression was cured. Simple as that. I know, it sounds totally unbelievable, but I haven't been depressed for a single day ever since. I even stopped taking my meds and I didn't notice any (negative) changes. About 10 months ago, I stopped taking my meds by accidend because I ran out off them over the weekend and I couldn't sleep for three days straight even though I was tired as hell. It was horrible. So I had to take them again. Now, I sleep like a baby and only need a few hours of sleep. It's mind-boggling. It helps my motivation to stay clean so much. In the beginning I rebooted to get rid of my PIED but now I'm really afraid to get depressed again when I start PMOing. There is a lot at stake for me.

Every person is different though. And most problems are multifactorial. So, your condition might not be caused by PMO but PMO might affect your state negatively. Do the doctors at the facility you are at know about your addiction?

Take care!

First of all, thanks for replying man. Good to hear from you, and it's always nice to read someone else's story--makes me feel a little less alone.

But yes, the people at the facility do in fact know about my addiction. When I first arrived, I told them that I had this addiction coupled with depression.

I think that you are correct, in regards to the idea of PMO withdrawals exacerbating something that is a little more permanent. I'm definitely going to stay on the lithium because I, like you, am afraid of depression. I would argue that it is a different kind of depression than the ones I get from PMO withdrawals (which are terrible in their own right). The bipolar depression (or whatever the fuck it is) is more existential in nature. It becomes more about living and dying, to be honest. I don't obsess about suicide or anything like that, but I do believe that there is a part of me that is fascinated by death, and that the only reason I don't think about suicide is because I block that part of myself, as if I were shielding my innocence.

Sorry for getting too deep, but this is very important for me right now. I want to have absolute faith that I have bi polar, because lithium is no joke.

But thanks for your reply my friend, and happy 4th!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 04, 2019, 09:13:30 PM
Day 152

I'm really liking being a part of this community. It has, for the two or so years that I've been coming to this site, never been this connected and supportive. It actually feels like a community of sorts, and that is truly a wonderful feeling. This is exactly what all of us need right now.

When it comes to my addiction, today has been pretty brutal. The withdrawals hit at around ten or eleven in the morning, and they stayed until about seven thirty. But that's par for the course. I'm in it until the end. I don't give a shit about how long it takes. I'm all about the finish line, and the road after the finish line. Who gives a fuck if it takes another four months. Which it might, though I do believe that I'm through the worst of it.

Keep trucking my friends, this fight is key to anyone's well being.

Happy 4th!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Do or die on July 05, 2019, 12:06:20 AM
Keep going
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on July 05, 2019, 06:48:34 AM
First of all, thanks for replying man. Good to hear from you, and it's always nice to read someone else's story--makes me feel a little less alone.

But yes, the people at the facility do in fact know about my addiction. When I first arrived, I told them that I had this addiction coupled with depression.

I think that you are correct, in regards to the idea of PMO withdrawals exacerbating something that is a little more permanent. I'm definitely going to stay on the lithium because I, like you, am afraid of depression. I would argue that it is a different kind of depression than the ones I get from PMO withdrawals (which are terrible in their own right). The bipolar depression (or whatever the fuck it is) is more existential in nature. It becomes more about living and dying, to be honest. I don't obsess about suicide or anything like that, but I do believe that there is a part of me that is fascinated by death, and that the only reason I don't think about suicide is because I block that part of myself, as if I were shielding my innocence.

Sorry for getting too deep, but this is very important for me right now. I want to have absolute faith that I have bi polar, because lithium is no joke.

But thanks for your reply my friend, and happy 4th!

Makes total sense and by no means was I suggestion for you to stop taking the meds. Just observe what they do to you, if you feel better, more stable, e.g. And never stop looking for ways to improve your condition in a natural way (sleep hygiene, excercise, reading, meditation, limited screen time, healthy nutrition, time in nature, social contact, body contact and hugs, etc.).

Happy 4th of july for you too. Where I'm from, it's the third of october which we are celebrating ;)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on July 05, 2019, 12:11:40 PM
When it comes to my addiction, today has been pretty brutal. The withdrawals hit at around ten or eleven in the morning, and they stayed until about seven thirty. But that's par for the course. I'm in it until the end. I don't give a shit about how long it takes. I'm all about the finish line, and the road after the finish line. Who gives a fuck if it takes another four months. Which it might, though I do believe that I'm through the worst of it.

You already put in that much effort that there's no turning back, just keep going and never doubt being on the right track. Those self doubts are your addicted brain screaming for its high, just ignore cravings and go the last steps, however many there might be left. It's inspiring to see someone actually made it five months clean, I never did and feel encouraged by your example!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 06, 2019, 04:10:30 PM
Day 154

Still struggling with my bipolar diagnosis and the subsequent lithium prescription. I'm scared that I'm being over medicated, and that withdrawals and depression are the culprits behind my moodiness, as opposed to full blown bipolar 2.

Fuck man, I just want my creativity back. I want to be able to write a story just by sitting down and typing. I used to have so much confidence in my ability to make shit up on the fly, and now I feel as if porn and mental illness have taken it away. It's either that or I've grown less creative as I've aged, which I don't think is true, seeing as how my best stories were written when I was ~25 years old.

In the end, I have to trust that God is at work, and that there is meaning behind all of this suffering and difficulty. I imagine that, one day, in the not so distant future, I'll lean back in my computer chair in ecstasy, knowing that I'd recently written something of value.

Anyways, I had a couple withdrawal periods the last couple days, but today, so far, has been fine. My dick is hanging as a normal dick should be, and I'm not feeling any phantom tugging sensations, or shriveled balls. MY head also seems to be clear, leaving the lithium to be the lone transgressor.

Good luck to everyone as usual. It's nice to be able to journal like this--it really helps me understand what I'm thinking and feeling.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 09, 2019, 06:41:48 AM
Day 157

Still obsessing about my diagnosis, and about writing, and about what in the fuck I'm meant to do in this cold, lonesome world. For the longest time I've believed that I want to be a writer, but I'm no longer as convinced that fate or destiny have anything to do with anything. Maybe it's all just a bunch of random bullshit. Life, that is.

The good part about all this is that I'm 157 days free of porn, and I don't plan on relapsing any time soon. I'm, for sure, through the worst of the withdrawals. And the lithium I'm on has made it easy to avoid porn. Perhaps it is exactly what I needed.

God bless everyone struggling and everyone who is doing well. Porn is no joke, though I fear that my mental illness has, all along, been the mastermind behind my suffering.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Lero on July 09, 2019, 07:39:35 AM
Let's look at the great thing first: You've been away from P for so long. This is outstanding progress. It wasn't easy so consider it an achievement.

Now, about life... I like to look at it this way: If you are a true seeker of the truth, you will find it. Your truth. The truth in your life. Nobody else could tell you what this is, but only you. Your piece of mind.

For some people it's not that easy to have a clear picture of how their life should be, what's their vocation etc. For sure I had no idea about those for years and I still don't but I guess luck plays a part too because I found a pretty good job in a field where I had never considered working in. I had to change my profession for this. Someone once told me: "You get what you believe in. If you believe you are unlucky, you won't be lucky." Some people are lost, like I was and still am to some degree. I'm still looking for the truth in my life. I hope one day I'll find it and I could say: "This is who I am." "Who you are?" is a great question and many people don't know how to answer it. For sure I wasn't one who could answer this right away and I'm still looking for the rest of the answer.

I used to hate those people who knew what to do so early but it's not a good attitude to have. Everybody is different. Some people are obsessed with how to be successful. "What should I do to make a lot of money? Look at that guy! He is rich now. He found what he had to do so early and made a lot of money. But what about me? How do I do this?" But, the idea is: I don't know how to make a lot of money, I don't have ideas, I'm not that type of guy. All I know what to do for now is go to work, get that salary and that's all I have. Accepting this will spare me a lot of depression and desperation.

A lot of people ask themselves a lot of questions. I was like that. "Why is my life the way it is? Why can't I find a better way to make money? Because I hate what I chose to do. I hate those fucking jobs!" A lot of "Whys". I've been bothered by existential questions my whole life. But I feel like recently some things started to make sense, so I guess I'm on the right road of finding my answers. You only find answers if you ask questions.

I suffered and still suffer to some degree from "mental problems" let's call them. I suffered from a hardcore depression for about 7-8 years and I still suffer from it although it got a lot better in the last three years (around the time when I started to find some answers for my questions). Also, I've been suffering from high social and general anxiety (with panic attacks) since I was about 18 years old. I'm not bipolar like you but I know what it means to fight anxiety and depression, which are a big pain. I was put on medication, I got addicted to it, I quit it cold turkey and suffered withdrawal. I abused PMO for years (as self-medication). I used to ask myself why I had to go through all this. "I don't deserve it! I am a good person. I am not a scumbag like other people so why am I given this shit?" And it's only now when some things started to make sense after I started working on my spirituality. I won't get into details here, I won't stress out anybody about religion if they don't want to hear. But it was only like this that things started moving a little bit for me. It takes time though.

Find your truth, that's all I could tell you for now. Anyway, man, I didn't mean to write a philosophy book here. It got long before I knew. I don't know if everything I said has something to do with your situation but anyway, I am with you, man, because I know how you feel. 

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 10, 2019, 11:10:54 AM
Day 158

Lero--Thanks for the post man. Great to hear your story and your take on things. Spirituality is a weird thing for me right now though.


Funny how I just got through saying how I was through the worst of the withdrawals, because last night and today have been hellish. I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours total due to the withdrawals, and they haven't let up since I woke up. My dick and balls have been shriveled all fucking day, and I haven't been able to get a lick of rest. Fuck this noise man.

Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up on everything. Life hasn't really been that fun for me lately. I really hope that things start to turn around soon.

Zander
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 11, 2019, 11:14:23 AM
Day 159

Dick and balls are still shriveled. Recovery is not linear folks. This fucking blows.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 13, 2019, 11:28:38 AM
Day 161

Still in shrunken balls phase, but I think that the lithium is really starting to kick in, which would be just tremendous. The true test will come when I don't have any sort of withdrawals symptoms, because that is when the depressions usually come in the hardest (since there is nothing there to cover them up). Porn has most definitely been useful to me in the sense that it has been my most often used anti depressant. Good old fashioned porn. The good stuff. Best SSRI on the market (fuck no).

I like to keep telling myself that I've been through the worst of it, and I still think that's true. I just need to ensure that I stay on my toes when it comes to relapse. I've come too far to fuck it up. It's so unbelievably not worth it. It's grime. Dirty, slimy bullshit.

Peace out fellas.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: lifepartner on July 14, 2019, 03:33:07 AM
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Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 14, 2019, 01:34:16 PM
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I like it man. Thanks for sharing, for real.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 14, 2019, 01:48:29 PM
Day 162

I've been posting a lot lately, but that's because I've been going through some withdrawals that have been fucking brutal. I just got out of a three day series of shrunken balls and heightened anxiety/depression. I feel pretty damn good right now, but fuck was that brutal. Maybe I'm coming out of a flatline, who knows. The key to beating this addiction is to not let my reactions ruin me. And what I mean by that is I cannot let my perceptions fuck with my emotions. If I believe, from the bottom of my heart, that the withdrawals should be over by now, or that life is unfair, and God is a prick, and all that other spiral-y bullshit that I tend to think, then I'm going to throw myself into a worse state than before. And trust me folks, I'm as guilty of this as anyone. But I have been working on it lately. Meditation helps a lot. Self awareness is the key here. Become completely aware of what's going on in my mind and I'll be right as rain. Look inward, never outward. I've found that when I start looking outward a lot, that means that my inner domain is full of turmoil. I'm looking outward because my present state of existence is not where it should be. THIS IS HUGE. Because porn is an outward act. As is future-tripping and directing your self-loathing at others (something I do constantly).

In essence, I believe that we need to fix the sit inside of us rather than focusing on what's outside. We need to become aware of our emotions, our pain, our hopes and dreams.

Anyways, I'm done for today. I'm grateful that I've emerged from the pit of flatline despair. Time to improve myself even more.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on July 14, 2019, 03:44:23 PM
I'm really impressed how you keep going despite heavy withdrawals. As I never made it as far as you I can't give any useful advice, but whatever happens, we both know porn is the worse option! Keep walking, you have put in so much effort yet and will make it!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Lero on July 14, 2019, 03:59:50 PM
Zander, that's outstanding, man! You could've relapsed but you didn't. This is huge. You know, it actually makes sense if you look at it this way: "It's my brain, not me." It's not what we want to do, it's this addicted brain that is in pain and asks for the fix. But fuck it. We don't have to obey this. We look at it happening but we don't have to do anything.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: BlueHeronFan on July 14, 2019, 07:48:14 PM
Great progress, man! I definitely feel like this becomes more of a mind game the longer you go. Early on, it's like me vs. the urges of my body. Later, though, it turns more into something like checking my thoughts and talking myself through weird attitudes/feelings. It's a different sort of experience after a few months for sure.

Meditation really is a huge help, and I'm glad you got through this round of anxiety/depression/flatline.

Keep on working on the internal stuff, and I will too!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
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Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
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Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 18, 2019, 06:50:02 PM
Thanks for your support boys! (Blue, achilles, lero)

Day 166

Feeling like I'm about to summit the mountain. I'm about to enter into a phase of happiness that I've never known before as an adult. I'm so fucking close. A lot of really tremendous things may happen at once. Puzzle pieces are going to begin to fit together. Maybe, just maybe, all this suffering will have been worth it.

I don't want to spoil any surprise, but the "things" that I'm referring to are all rather massive when it comes to the enormity of their influence over my life. PMO abstention being one of the main ones. Mental health being another. So I guess I have spoiled it. I'm close to the finish line when it comes to both finding the right medicinal cocktail for my brain, and to overcoming the flatline period of nofap. I've also narrowed down my possible career options, and am near certainty on one of them.

I'm leaving the residential healing facility I've been staying at (for the past 5 and 1/2 months) tomorrow, and on July 24th I'm meeting with my psychiatrist back home in Ohio to, hopefully, acquire the meds that will enable me to experience life in all of its wonder.

Wish me luck boys, the next couple weeks will be momentous.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Lero on July 19, 2019, 01:20:45 AM
Sounds good, man. It seems like things are finally starting to move right. We get what we believe in.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on July 19, 2019, 11:18:28 AM
You deserve all the luck in the world, I hope things turn out as you want them to!  :)

Even if they don't, try not to let this bring you down, there will be benefits for all your sacrifices one day, just stay on the right track!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 20, 2019, 01:15:39 PM
Sounds good, man. It seems like things are finally starting to move right. We get what we believe in.

I like that line. And thanks for the support.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 20, 2019, 01:16:06 PM
You deserve all the luck in the world, I hope things turn out as you want them to!  :)

Even if they don't, try not to let this bring you down, there will be benefits for all your sacrifices one day, just stay on the right track!

We're in this together, am I right?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 20, 2019, 01:20:04 PM
Day 168

Had a wet dream last night (involving porn), and I have to say that I have felt great all day since the WD. I don't really know what this means, but I'm gunna roll with it just the same.

As I said a couple days ago, I see some light ahead. Things seem to be finally turning around. I just need to get my medication situation ironed out and I'll really start movin'. Maybe life can be a happy occasion for me.

Like I said, I'm really excited about my appt with my psych on the 24th. I pray that he and I will get things figured out. I obsess over what the tone of the meeting will feel like.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 22, 2019, 03:05:07 PM
Day 170

10 days until I hit the 6 month milestone. Gunna be a doozy. I'm a broken record though--I need to figure my mental health shit out. I'm obsessed with fixing it. I want it to be over. Wednesday morning will decide my fate for the immediate future and the appointment couldn't come sooner.  That's all I really have to say. My mind hasn't been working correctly since I started taking lithium. Good thing I'm getting off of that poison. Totally dulled me out, like a blunt pencil. My kidneys couldn't handle it, but I was ready to be off of it irregardless.

Anyways, God speed to you all. Life can be hard, but the silver lining, at least for me, is knowing that once I get through this (IF I get through this), I'll be a pretty tough cookie.

Peace owt.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on July 23, 2019, 02:29:34 PM
You deserve all the luck in the world, I hope things turn out as you want them to!  :)

Even if they don't, try not to let this bring you down, there will be benefits for all your sacrifices one day, just stay on the right track!

We're in this together, am I right?

That's the great thing about this community, while basically nobody who doesn't suffer from this addiction will understand a thing about what we're going through, this community is full of people who are in the same boat. Some suffering more than others, but everybody knows about the incredible effort of yours to make it to almost half a year. I have never been there, but hope to follow your good example! We're in this together and I still wish you all the best on further advancing!  :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 24, 2019, 09:53:47 AM
Day 172

Withdrawals the past two days (I am now realizing just how much damage I did to my brain during my last relapse phase--kids, don't binge). But good news is my appointment with my psych went well, and I'm starting a med that will, hopefully, lead me to the promised land.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on July 24, 2019, 12:08:31 PM
The end of your withdrawal should be near....paws is like 6 months so yea. Mine end at 6 months exactly bro. They say younger dudes take a longer time to get out the flatline but i think im suffering too long im 8 months free and no sex drive still. Im terrified but keep going bro we out here.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 24, 2019, 07:20:11 PM
The end of your withdrawal should be near....paws is like 6 months so yea. Mine end at 6 months exactly bro. They say younger dudes take a longer time to get out the flatline but i think im suffering too long im 8 months free and no sex drive still. Im terrified but keep going bro we out here.

Dude I hope so. They can be brutal, as I'm sure you know. Hope you get out of it soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 27, 2019, 03:53:01 PM
Day 175

Through the gauntlet. Dick looks and feels like a normal guy's dick. 20mg Lexapro is being pumped through my system. Ecstasy. Pure ecstasy. I feel quite good right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 01, 2019, 04:40:48 PM
Day 180

6 months. Only 2nd time I've done this, so I'm quite proud of myself. Now I just need to rebuild the rest of my life, brick by brick. I need to start by defeating my mental illness, or at least getting it down to a dull roar. I can't quit now, I've come too far, though the depressions are quite painful.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 04, 2019, 09:35:03 AM
Day 182

Having a case of shrunken nuts and accompanying mental discomfort. Need to remain vigilant of triggers and whatnot. Always need to be on my game baby.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: squid on August 07, 2019, 06:11:43 AM
Great work dude!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on August 09, 2019, 10:46:36 AM
Congratulations on half a year, really an impressive achievement!  :)

Remaining porn free is absolutely neccessary to rebuild your life, you have the right attitude going step by step.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 09, 2019, 04:32:50 PM
Day 187

Feeling pretty good about the porn stuff, though I've been getting closer the line the past couple days due to problems with my mental illness. And by that I mean to say that the idea of relapse has popped into my head a couple times, especially today. Since I've used it as a sort of antidepressant/mood stabilizer for the entirety of my adult life, it comes as a natural inclination when things go sour mentally. I'm still riding the medication carousel, and when it comes to bipolar, I still have a few things to figure out. I may have stumbled upon a decent med, but I've only been on it for a couple days, so we'll see how things go as time progresses. Lexapro, in short, failed miserably.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 14, 2019, 05:48:18 PM
Day 192

Problems related to the porn addiction are few and far between. I get some withdrawals, but not really. They are negligible.

Started a new med a week ago that is working better than the previous couple. I feel some hope for the future, though I'm also endlessly weary. I'm in a weird place right now, but it's hard to ignore the optimism I felt today. It was, if nothing, an enjoyable feeling to experience. I hope more of it begins to color my life. I want to be excited about the future, not scared of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 15, 2019, 10:37:08 AM
Day 193

I take back a little of what I said. The PMO withdrawals are still causing me some trouble now that I've thought about it. I feel as though it still affects the quality of my sleep, along with some of my cognitive functioning and moods. Sadly, 193 days into my reboot, porn is still a factor in my life. I am still going through withdrawals and all that nonsense. Let this serve as a lesson to everybody: this shit is serious, it's long lasting, and it affects just about everything.

Fuck man, just when I thought I was through the tunnel, I get a day like today, where my brain feels like it's being attacked by a trebuchet that launches brain nullifiers.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 07, 2020, 12:38:37 PM
Doesn't matter which day:

I'm back after a long, long hiatus. I'm experiencing pretty shitty withdrawals today, and it affects me in so many different ways. My confidence is low, I'm combative, my aura is negative, I'm feeling depressed, I feel as if death is right around the corner, I'm jealous, I'm wrathful. The list goes on and on and on. And the only way through it all is time. And it doesn't seem fair to me. I was fucking twelve years old when I first looked at porn, and it was because of my innocence that I didn't know how harmful it was. I mean, what the fuck? Other addictions don't have such long periods of withdrawals. It fuckin' blows.

My therapist told me to journal here every day, so I'm going to try and stick to that. I do need some kind of outlet for all of these negative thoughts that I'm having.

My biggest issue with all of this is that it makes it so fucking difficult to be around people. I hate displaying a version of myself that I'm not proud of, and this addiction constantly has me delivering a package that is unsatisfactory. I consider myself an alpha male of sorts, but this horse shit has me playing the role of a beta. It pains me so much to feel submissive to another man who isn't half the person I am, but it seems to be happening to me routinely. At least I've come to realize how much of a leader I can be, because, for the longest time, I never thought of myself as one. This addiction hides so much about myself, including some form of mental illness, either bipolar 2 or depression. The withdrawals throw me off because I can't accurately gauge what my baseline is. I simply do not know what a normal version of myself looks like. The damage done to my brain is so severe that I'm afraid it will take years before I can have an accurate depiction.

This addiction has been at the center of my life for longer than it hasn't, and that, finally, has to change. I don't want it running things anymore. I want to be the one in the driver's seat.

Anyways, I just have to keep going, and to try and be honest with people about how bad I'm feeling. I wish that there was some kind of end in sight, but it doesn't feel that way. I still have a lot more pain to endure.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 08, 2020, 09:16:24 AM
Hey zander,

i know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes i feel like porn robes me from my best years and that ot killed a relationsship with a girl i really liked. I feel like destiny just fucked me and causes me so much emotional pain, i can not stand.
But ive come to the conclusion, that i cant keep staying in this mind set. Yes, it feels so unfair, but weve got a situation, where we are still able to turn things around. And this is not to be taken for granted. And this is only possible, when we stop blaming the world or the universe for what we got into and stop being a victim. This is hard, i admit it and i often still have to remind myself of it, but we can and will heal from this im sure.
This doesnt change, that we will still be in pain and that it will be hard, but it helps to accept it, at least for me it does.
When i feel like i loose all hope, i just try envision what things i will be doing, when my pied is healed and when im done with all this shit and that gives me strenght to keep going. And i know when ive fought this fight all my other problems with women, friends, career, procrastination and being happy wont be this big of a deal anymore.
Just remind yourself, how life will be when you killed this porn shit and let this give you the hope to keep going.
Stay strong, you will make it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 08, 2020, 04:34:22 PM
Day: Doesn't Matter

I feel better today. I received a blow job last night and although it made me feel a little sluggish this morning, I hope that it helps me rewire myself. I've also had sex about 5 times in the past several days, which has also given me some encouragement. But I still have more of the path to traverse. I still see some pretty terrible days/nights in my future, which is just something I'll have to deal with when they get here. I need to enjoy the good times, even if they aren't perfect. This rebooting stuff, for me, has taken a fucking eternity, but what else can I do but take advantage of the times when I'm close to contented.

I don't regret bitching yesterday because those were words that I needed to drain out of my brain, like how a tap does to a maple tree. There's nothing wrong with writing down exactly how I feel, because it's important to get it out of my system, and to be authentic about what's going on. During those times of utter dopamine desolation, I just need to survive. No amount of reframing is going to change the unavoidable fact that, during those times, I feel like dog shit.

Like I said, I feel not bad today. My nuts are a little shrunken, and my mind is fairly cloudy, but other than that, I'm inching towards a baseline. Which is my ultimate goal at this point--figuring out who I am without addiction and withdrawals. I'm scared of how severe my mental illness is without the numbing agent that is porn, because, deep down, I'm afraid that it will affect my ability to succeed in life. I still have big dreams for the future, and it would be hard for me to have to compromise. I shouldn't catastrophize, but I've long ago trained myself to expect the worst, because the higher the expectations, the longer and harder the fall. I need to prepare for whatever lies ahead, and to be ready to accept that Bipolar is a serious disease that will take a lot of work to overcome, or at least deal with.

Poetry has become important to me over the past month or so, and I'm afraid that my meds will interfere with my creativity. Yet another worry that I have. Only time will reveal where things are at, and what life is like without PMO and its immediate absence (withdrawals).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2020, 12:50:53 PM
Withdrawals are so bad right now I feel like I'm going to die.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2020, 06:22:19 PM
To expand on my previous post, the withdrawals I experienced today are some of the worst I've ever had. I just hope that tomorrow is better than today was, and that more happiness is on the other side of this abyss.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 11, 2020, 04:42:03 PM
Day: It Doesn't Matter

My morning/early afternoon (up to 2:30) was pretty darn good, but my late afternoon has been rough. I'm most definitely in it for the long haul. I don't really know what else to say.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 13, 2020, 04:52:49 PM
Day: It Doesn't Matter

I've realized that what I'm experiencing is PAWS, or post acute withdrawal symptoms. They always come at ~3pm and last until ~7pm. They mirror the symptoms of depression completely. I don't know how long it will take for them to dissipate, but I'm ready for the long haul. There's nothing else I can do besides move forward, and not relapse.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 14, 2020, 12:20:00 PM
Really bad PAWS this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression. I just don't know where the PAWS end and my mental illness begins. All I know is that I cannot afford to relapse. I, so badly, want to figure out where my baseline is. It might take years, but I CAN NEVER GIVE UP. I strongly considered suicide earlier this year, and I never want to go there again.

I need to cherish the good times and to remember that the depressions will end. I'm just scared about the fact that my life has taken a more melancholic tone the past couple weeks. I don't want to feel like this all the time, I need a reprieve, a good solid chunk of joy and contentment. I haven't had something like that in FUCKING YEARS.

At this point I don't know how far my relapses have taken me back, but I hope they haven't reset my totally. I've worked so fucking hard to beat this thing. The PAWS are my only threat to total abstinence, so I need to remind myself, over and over again, that they will end, at that a ray of sunshine, at some point, will slip through the cracks.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 14, 2020, 04:34:16 PM
What I noticed about PAWS for me:

I experience the depression in "waves". And I've figured out that the "waves" hit me during the same exact times that I last binged. I did so much fucking damage to my brain over a couple of binge sessions that I'm still paying the price for it (it was close to a year ago).

The depressions are so deep that all I can do is make sure that I don't scream out in agony.

And the worst part is that I can't tell people about it in any way that makes sense. There are no major scientific discoveries being reported on PMO PAWS, nor is there much info on PMO addiction to begin with. Even my therapist doesn't fully buy into what's going on with me.

I'm being negative right now because I'm still in one of those PAWS waves, but I don't really care. I just want them to be fucking over with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 16, 2020, 04:14:33 PM
PAWS stinks, but at least my mornings and evenings are pretty fun. All in all, I like to think that things are on the upswing, at least a little. The pain still blows, and lasts a long time, but at least I know that it will end. It's very unlike depression in that regard.

Anyways, I'm experiencing some PAWS right now and feel a strong sense of doom/anxiety, along with straight up depression. It'll probably last until 6-7pm, and then I'll be able to enjoy the rest of the evening (hopefully).

Bottom line is that I can't let PAWS cause me to relapse. I've worked way, way too fucking hard to let myself slip up.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2020, 01:20:44 PM
A lot of anxiety/depression is occurring within me right now. One of these days I'm going to experience bliss for a whole day, but I don't know how far away that day is going to be. I need some kind of reprieve from all of these mental symptoms, because they are grinding me down to a nub.

What can I say? I have a lot of self pity right now. Fuckin' whatever. At least I'm honest about how much this shit sucks. I, as a young boy/man, made the mistake of bingeing porn, and relapses have made it so I'm still suffering from the consequences. There's not much else to say. I just need to stay strong, though as I type those words they feel empty, because my strength is waning. It's just very hard to be me right now.

Another thing I want to add is the sense of doom I feel during PAWS. I feel as if death is right around the corner for me, and that it will be a painful, tragic death. I also feel a if Life is empty and meaningless. And no, I don't think it's depression. I'm on meds for that. It's just the fucking PAWS.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 19, 2020, 10:13:58 AM
PAWS still hitting me hard, though it's intermittent. I have good moments here and there. The sex and BJs I had were, most definitely, detrimental to my recovery, and I'm now going out of my way to avoid them with the girl that I'm seeing. My addiction factors into sex, and the lust I feel is akin to the tunnel vision I experience when approaching a PMO session. Obviosuly, my brain still isn't ready for orgasms, and I have to listen to it.

In the end, just gotta keep going. I need to find my baseline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2020, 06:35:54 PM
I did some Karezza yesterday (didn't come) during sex, and I feel fucking terrible today. It blows my mind that even that causes me to feel like dog shit. My brain is as if it was blended by and egg scrambler. It's damn near broken. One of the worst days of withdrawals I've had in a while. God fucking dammit. I can't wait until this shit is over with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 21, 2020, 12:21:07 PM
Once again, extreme depression and anxiety. Making it through the day has been a struggle. God fucking dammit man. I need to stop using my dick altogether it seems. My brain is flat out broken.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 22, 2020, 12:23:05 PM
These last 3 days have been some of the worst in my life. I don't even know what to fucking do anymore. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I just feel like dying right now. It's fucking terrible, and literally no one in my life fucking understands. NO ONE! I literally don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas. I just want it to end.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: J000123757 on January 22, 2020, 04:28:44 PM
Hi Zander,

I am really really sorry to hear about your Experience with depression symptoms. I myself suffer from depression and have been on various medications the past year. One of the most frustrating parts of the depression is the confusion. How do I know what’s causing this darkness? Is it something I’m thinking of making it worse? Better? The worst feeling for me was the isolation that depression creates. It seems other people’s joy feels so impossible to truly join in. Mostly, I wanted my mood to not mess up other people’s lives. This made pornography an easy out for this experience and a simple coping mechanism.

For me, and what I’m sure youve experienced, is the waste of time it is to ask why I’m depressed. Sometimes, well just never fully understand ourselves and must simple sit in the wave of the emotion. I trust you and your therapist are no strangers to this sort of thinking.

I wish you the best of luck and encouragement knowing that a life lived in any way for others is well worth it! Looking over some of your recent journals is helpful for me. Keep going my friend!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2020, 01:39:23 PM
Hi Zander,

I am really really sorry to hear about your Experience with depression symptoms. I myself suffer from depression and have been on various medications the past year. One of the most frustrating parts of the depression is the confusion. How do I know what’s causing this darkness? Is it something I’m thinking of making it worse? Better? The worst feeling for me was the isolation that depression creates. It seems other people’s joy feels so impossible to truly join in. Mostly, I wanted my mood to not mess up other people’s lives. This made pornography an easy out for this experience and a simple coping mechanism.

For me, and what I’m sure youve experienced, is the waste of time it is to ask why I’m depressed. Sometimes, well just never fully understand ourselves and must simple sit in the wave of the emotion. I trust you and your therapist are no strangers to this sort of thinking.

I wish you the best of luck and encouragement knowing that a life lived in any way for others is well worth it! Looking over some of your recent journals is helpful for me. Keep going my friend!

Thanks man! Good luck to you too.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2020, 01:43:30 PM
Still feeling the effects of the karezza I did on Sunday. Fucking sucks man. Makes me into a little bitch to be honest. No masculinity. My nuts are literally sunk into my stomach. I can barely read/write. It's just amazing how much damage these withdrawals can do. My hope is that this is, somehow, a good thing in the long term. Maybe my brain is really digging at some deeper stuff here, and that's why it hurts so much. Or maybe it's just broken, and it'll take a very long time for me to recover my sanity.

It's hard to make decisions right now because I'm not myself. I don't know what I want because I can't trust my moods when I'm experiencing these shitty symptoms. I feel a little stagnant, though I worry about the future on a daily basis. I just want to be able to feel excitement again. I want to feel drawn to a future, rather than act out of fear/necessity.

I can't wait for this week to be over, it's been fucking terrible. One of the worst I've had in a while.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2020, 02:50:04 PM
WDs are so bad right now I feel like death is imminent. Jesus fucking christ man, what is this life?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 25, 2020, 10:00:34 AM
Yesterday was the best day of the week. I returned to myself. And then I had sex at the end of the night. And now my brain is foggy and I'm scared shitless that I prolonged my reboot. I'm honestly very upset with myself. Today would have been a very positive day if I didn't do that. God dammit man!

I need to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't control myself last night and move on. Today I'm going to ask my partner that she help me in my quest to no longer orgasm. I don't know when having orgasms will be a good thing for me, but for now, they aren't. Fuck man, I'm upset. There's no getting around that fact. 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 25, 2020, 02:50:05 PM
Really fucked my brain up again. I'm, flat out, delaying my recovery, by who knows how long. I was getting MWs a fucking month ago, and now I don't get any at all. My brain is constantly fuzzy, and there is a constant, weird pressure in my temples and forehead area. I'm so fucking mad at myself man. I simply can't control it when we start making out. I get the tunnel vision. It's time for me to be an adult and set some tangible boundaries. I have to beat this shit man, it's ripping my spirit out of my body and stomping on it as if it were a used fluorescent light. FUCK!!!

The WDs turn me into a beta of sorts, and I know that's not me. I'm very much an alpha. I hate being a beta. I hate worrying about other people's opinions. I hate not feeling like myself. It robs me of my enthusiasm, humor, love, emotion. It's the worst.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 25, 2020, 03:58:48 PM
I've decided: No More Orgasms for at least 2 months.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 28, 2020, 12:23:05 PM
Last 4 days have actually been pretty good. Pretty freakin' weird, though I'm still not at a baseline. I feel as if it will take at least another six months before I come near a baseline.

In the meantime, I need to examine my medication situation, because Lamictal makes me pretty fucking retarded.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 30, 2020, 12:25:43 PM
Past two days have been somewhere in between. My brain is slowly inching its way towards recovery. Kind of a good feeling, though I hate how dumb Lamictal makes me. It has become quite evident, as my recovery has progressed, that Lamictal affects my ability to both read and write. I don't know if those are side effects that I can live with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 31, 2020, 06:17:18 PM
Days are starting to vary. Things are starting to grow more unpredictable. We'll see how this plays out moving forward. This shit is, as you all know, fucking annoying. I want to find that long-sought after baseline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 01, 2020, 10:52:59 AM
Today I feel weird. A mixture of masculine and feminine. I'm on the verge of having some good days in a row, I can tell. Or maybe not, who the fuck knows. I can tell that my brain is craving porn right now, and I need to stay mindful of that. I've been having relapse dreams and fucking wacko sex dreams. I honestly don't know what in the fuck is going on.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on February 01, 2020, 12:04:45 PM
Hey man. Haha funny thing, right? We never know what to expect with this addiction. Some days are smooth sailing and then there are others where have so many ups and downs it feels like the end of the world.

I hope you hang in there and don’t give in to the urge of PMO. There are some parts of the brain we’re never going to figure out I think. All you can do is hang in there buddy.

Good luck on your journey.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 02, 2020, 02:35:15 PM
I, regretfully, had sex today at around 11. I honestly have no idea what it's going to do to me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was bad for my overall recovery, but, as they say, only time will tell. I am not happy with myself at all, but me and my girl were just too fucking horny to not fornicate. It was only a matter of time the last few days. I'll just take the punishment as it comes. Too bad the promise I made to myself has been broken. I didn't even make it two weeks.

In other news, I still hate what Lamictal is doing to my brain. I feel dumber. In every facet. I can't write as well, nor am I as sharp when I speak. Maybe it's all in my head, but it's hard to say. The brain is just so fucking mystical, and all of my problems just so happen to occur within it. So much gray.

I'm seriously thinking about lowering or stopping it completely, just to see how I fare. I'll probably start getting depressed again, but I at least want to try it. It's a scary thought, but there is a part of me that needs to know what I'm like without the confounded drug.

Edit: My brain already feels a bit wonky. The sex definitely did some damage. Fuck.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on February 03, 2020, 12:10:48 AM
Hey man. Having successful sex can certainly be of great help during the recovery. It would help your mind set things right and help it realise that this is the real deal and not the pixels on your screen. I would suggest not being so hard on yourself maybe this once. Had it been porn then maybe the reaction would’ve been justified.

Anyway that’s my opinion. If a hard mode is what you’re trying to do then certainly you could refrain from having sex the next time. Other wise, try to take it as a good sign of recovery and yeah, good luck.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 04, 2020, 06:01:11 PM
Hey man. Having successful sex can certainly be of great help during the recovery. It would help your mind set things right and help it realise that this is the real deal and not the pixels on your screen. I would suggest not being so hard on yourself maybe this once. Had it been porn then maybe the reaction would’ve been justified.

Anyway that’s my opinion. If a hard mode is what you’re trying to do then certainly you could refrain from having sex the next time. Other wise, try to take it as a good sign of recovery and yeah, good luck.

I'm one of those folks who has to abstain from sex because my brain still isn't ready for orgasms of any kind. But thanks for the well wishes, good luck to you as well.

Speaking of sex, I had it again yesterday and was pretty fucking pissed at myself, because my brain has been cloudy today. But I don't think the sex is as harmful as I make it out to be, though it undoubtedly causes some issues.

The important thing is to keep moving forward, because time will eventually fulfill its duty, and I'll be healthier than I've ever been. Just gotta keep going, no matter how hard this journey gets.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 05, 2020, 12:24:38 PM
Worried that the sex I've been having has done more damage than I've been willing to admit. I'm having a difficult day when it comes to withdrawals, and it's getting to me spiritually. I'm just flat out sick of this shit. I'm at my wit's end. I don't even know what else I can say. I'm just tired of not being able to enjoy life to the fullest--it feels as if I'm wasting my golden years. Fucking shit man. It feels as if my brain is going to implode. It feels swollen and damaged. There is a constant pressure in my temples.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 05, 2020, 05:11:07 PM
The last five days have been brutal. I'm very much ready for this storm to pass. It'll all be worth it in the end.

Today I realized that the reason these withdrawals have been so brutal is because last year I had a binge session that lasted just about all day. My brain is still trying to come back from that momentous derailment.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 06, 2020, 02:02:25 PM
Still feeling shite today. Not much else to say--I'm anxious and depressed, and its because of this addiction. All I can do is keep surviving, and to enjoy the rare moments when I feel alright. I imagine that it will take another 6 months to a year before I can consistently wake up feeling good. Rarely do I ever wake up excited to get out of bed. And that's a damn shame, but it is what it is. Maybe I'll be stronger from this whole experience. Or maybe I'll just be the person who I haven't been able to be, who is, in fact, a very good person. Shame he hasn't been able to show his face very often in this life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 06, 2020, 02:24:06 PM
Fuck boy this blows. It's been like 6 days in a row of feeling absolutely shitty. And I can't write well either, which is also bothering me. Fucking hell!! When will this be over?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 07, 2020, 05:08:37 PM
Tough day, though the morning/early afternoon was pretty good. Feeling like I'm on the cusp of something. Music starting to sound a little better. Gotta keep pushing forward. I just might launch off into the stratosphere.

Nonetheless, today was fucking hard. And I foresee more pain to come. It might get worse before it get's better.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 08, 2020, 10:21:14 AM
Was stupid last night and ended up penetrating my gf for about 10 seconds. We stopped because we both know how bad it is for me, but I still feel hungover today. To me, this means that any kind of intense stimulation causes my brain to malfunction. I believe this is because of the fact that I'm in another flatline. I wouldn't doubt it that stimulation (kissing, dry humping, grabbing) during a normal period (without a flatline) wouldn't be harmful in any way, but the fact that I keep hooking up with her during the flatline is what's fucking me over. I guess it's just another learning experience. Hopefully today won't be too bad, but I'm ready for the worst. Only way out is through, though that's tough talk considering how shitty I feel when things are at their worst.

This will be, by the far, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. I guarantee it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 12, 2020, 12:33:42 PM
The withdrawals/PAWS have been causing a lot of depression lately. My brain chemicals are all out of whack. The good news is that I've been able to read more, which, to me, means that my cognition is improving.

Sex seems to knock me back about 5 days of recovery time each time I indulge in it, so I'm completely taking it off the table. And this time I'm pretty fucking serious about it. I can't break promises to myself anymore, because we all know where that leads. Self esteem is strongly linked to this addiction, and when I start fucking with my own, problems inevitably arise. The fact that I had sex with the knowledge that it was harmful to me is kind of disappointing, but I need to move on. Just another learning experience, though more mistakes will take me into the Einstein insanity territory (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results).

Another issue I'm dealing with is the mental illness bit. I started lowering my dose of Lamictal the past couple weeks and I was able to observe that it does a terrific job of taking hte edge off of things, and that I should remain at a higher dose for the time being. Once the waves of PAWS begin to subside, I will revisit the concept of fiddling with my meds. To people who don't understand what it's like to be mentally ill, it seems stupid to mess with the very things that are keeping you sane, but what normal folks don't realize is that the meds have side effects, and some of them are nigh unbearable. Lamictal keeps me permanently disconnected to the world, not allowing me to feel weather, or nature, or strong emotional currents. Its a nullifier of life, plain and simple. It dulls everything to the point of nonexistence. It has me ignoring some of the best parts of being human. So of course I'm going to to try and take as little of them as I can.

As always, the most important work I can do is to continue to move forward. The fight is a tough one, there's no fucking question about that. But things are steadily improving, which is pretty cool.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 12, 2020, 05:04:34 PM
The pain I'm feeling right now is unbelievable.

It's been going on about all day now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2020, 09:18:22 AM
Last 3 days have been very difficult, but for reasons that are dissimilar to the ones I've complaining about earlier in this journal. My head/brain feels different, and the type of depression I'm feeling is more of a dull pain than an acute attack. Sadly, this dull pain is more existential in nature, and the depression feels deeper and more catastrophic. I worry that the sex I've been having has only magnified these effects, but its no use crying over that spilt milk.

I've had morning wood every morning for the past four days or so, which is a good sign, though the erections disappear not long after I wake up. Progress, however slow, is being made.

The biggest fear I have these days is that I'll die before I beat this addiction for good. I know that sounds irrational, but the anxiety/depression the PAWS is causing plus my bipolar anxiety has produced this massive death fear that consumes me on a daily basis. I really, really want to live to see the day when I am free of these shackles. Its been nearly a decade in the making.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2020, 06:50:30 PM
Fucking terrible man. So many shitty days these past two weeks. I fucking despise this addiction.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 15, 2020, 11:34:08 AM
Another shit day. Fucking hell man!! Fucking grinding me down to a pulp. I don't really have many positive things to say. This is absolutely terrible.

Just thinking about how seemingly unfair this shit has been to me. It's taken so fucking much. I'll never, ever let it fucking beat me. No fucking way.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 16, 2020, 10:46:19 AM
I can already tell that today will be another difficult day. Don't have much to say. Hopefully life will get better as time goes on. That's all I can hope for. This will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I'll go through in life, because it seems so worthless time wise. It's just bundles and bundles of wasted time.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 16, 2020, 10:31:52 PM
Today wasn't as bad as the previous 5-6 days, but it still wasn't easy. I can tell that my brain is very much craving porn right now. This addiction's power is undeniable. Its roots are deeply embedded in my brain--like gnarled serpents. I hate it. I want to be myself. I want to be free. I want to create. I want to say something that means a thing or two. I want to be courageous, and to fall in love, and to build something beautiful. I want to experience the wonders of this world. Its such a treasure. I want the clouds to part, and the sun to pour in. I want clarity. I want untainted reality. I want emotion. Pure emotion. I want love man. I want to fucking love as hard as I can. Love is it. It's the only way through this mess.

Goodnight.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 19, 2020, 05:43:35 PM
Past couple days have been pretty darn good, I've had morning wood for about 4-5 days in a row. Pretty fucking rad.

On a more dismal note, I received some dick stroking, dry humping, and a couple seconds of a BJ (upon my request) this afternoon, and I'm already feeling foggy, feminine, and insecure because of those extracurriculars. Eleven days ago I made a post saying that any kind of intense sexual stimulation causes me to feel shitty, and I still went ahead and did it anyways. I'm pretty upset with myself to be honest. And I'm also upset with this addiction, because it prevents me from engaging in any sort of sexual relations with the opposite sex. It STILL believes that any sort of sexual encounter is actually me watching porn. It flat out doesn't understand the difference between the two. I still get that same high followed by the shame, fog, lack of self esteem, etc., and the high doesn't last that long at all. In addition, my heart beats fast and I start shaking a little in anticipation of the sexual encounter, just like how my body responds before a relapse. Fucking insane, right? And I know people will say that the reason my heart is pounding is because I'm nervous, or excited, or something else in that romantic kind of vein. Well I know the difference between authentic nervousness and the bodily reaction towards anticipated pornhub viewings, and the latter is most definitely what happened this afternoon.

I told the girl that we can no longer do anything more than kiss for the foreseeable future, because I don't want to even put myself in any kind of position where I could fail. I've worked WAY TOO FUCKING HARD!!! I've gone through so much pain it blows my fucking mind. There's simply no need to prolong any of this bullshit. It belongs in the rearview mirror, or in a fucking ditch with blood coming out of the hole in its temple. Anyways, I'm going to be down for the rest of the night, but tomorrow is another day. I'm still pissed at myself right now, but hopefully that'll pass sooner rather than later. I want to spend each minute I have on this earth in the best possible way. No more intense stimulation until I'm totally in the driver's seat.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 20, 2020, 02:18:41 PM
Had sex twice last night. Need to seriously evaluate my ability to hold and establish boundaries. Only thing in my defense is the fact that sex is so readily available considering my current living situation. Regardless, I've made another mistake that is making today a difficult day for me. Not deriving much pleasure from the world around me.

I expect the next week or so to be extremely trying, considering the trends that have been emerging the past month or so. I've had a nice break from the truly terrible withdrawals, but they will return, though they will prickle less than their predecessors. Each round of withdrawals is a wave of healing, much like how wounds smart when they are mending. The pain equals progress, so in a way, I'm happy for them. But I'm guaranteeing this journal that I won't be saying that when they arrive. They flat out suck man. I'm kind of terrified.

To conclude, the sex was a mistake, and I'm upset with myself, but hopefully I will be able to sort that out as time moves on. The thing I'm most worried about is the upcoming wave of WDs, because they will test my willpower, patience, and fortitude.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 21, 2020, 04:31:17 PM
I think the next wave of withdrawals began today. Almost 100% positive. This is good in the fact that my brain is healing, but it will suck in the short term. Like really suck. And it'll stretch on for days on end. Time to hunker down and survive.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 25, 2020, 05:39:11 PM
Seems like the site was down the past couple of days?

Anyways, I'm in a wave of withdrawals right now and they aren't much fun. Easier than last time, but still very, very much not fun. MW almost every morning though, so things are definitely getting better. Physical manifestations of my progression.

And just for shits and gigs, I'm a couple days over the four month mark (123 days?)

I don't really want to include that, but what the fuck, right?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 26, 2020, 12:22:48 PM
Yesterday, especially last night, was fucking brutal man. And this morning has been even worse. So much misery it's unreal. I don't really have the words. I'm beginning to fully understand just how long this process is going to take. I still have A LOT of healing to do. I'm going to have to get used to the severity of these withdrawals. They aren't going to disappear any time soon.

fuck man. I wish my brain wasn't so sensitive, and that I wasn't such a hedonist when I was a teenager. I'd slap the fucking shit out of 17 year old me. He wasted so much fucking time when he could have been imprinting quality habits into his brain. Youth is truly, truly wasted on the young. Fucking hell man, I'm already 28 years old and I haven't got shit to show for it. This addiction is wrecking me life in a way.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 26, 2020, 04:12:53 PM
I'm currently reading 100 Years of solitude and I came on a passage that talks about sex and incest. Instead of glossing over it I read the entire passage. I'm very, very upset with myself. I feel as if I've made myself vulnerable, and I'm worried that it did some damage. I can't afford any more slip ups man, this is too fucking difficult as it is.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 27, 2020, 12:28:56 PM
Fuck man I had sex last night. I'm very, very disappointed in myself. It's just insane to me how I could have so much self control when it comes to not masturbating, yet have so little when it comes to abstaining from sex. No wonder I had this addiction--I have a big issue with self control when it comes to sex. The only defense I have for myself is that I'm living at a residential healing facility where I see this girl every, single, day, for long, extended periods of time. I'm with her at least 3-5 hours a day, if not more. We work, eat, and sometimes sleep together on a daily basis. So that makes it difficult. But still, I need to keep these promises I make to myself, because I NEED TO TRUST MYSELF!! It's fucking paramount that I can hold a promise to myself and keep it. So I'm a little nervous right now, to be honest. I'm on high alert for a relapse. I keep re-introducing sex to my brain, which leads to things like the chaser effect, brain fog, and other horse shit that will trigger a relapse. God damn man, I've worked too fucking hard to ruin this now.

More bad news: I'm still experiencing withdrawals, though the sex messed with the pattern a little. We'll see how the net 4-5 days go. All I can say is that I need to keep pushing through these withdrawals, even though they are very painful and require a lot of willpower to avoid giving it to my brain's siren call to relapse.

Gotta distract myself the next few days, that's the key. And I need to continue meditating. That is also key when it comes to the old frontal lobes.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 28, 2020, 06:08:38 PM
Today, surprisingly, wasn't that bad. I had a headache all day but the WDs weren't too crazy. As always, we'll see how the next few days go, but I'm feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Also, my morning wood this morning was pretty darn stiff.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 29, 2020, 08:32:59 AM
Had a porn-laden dream last night. Still experiencing some withdrawals then. Still getting regular morning wood though. Hopefully WDs will go away soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 01, 2020, 08:11:27 AM
Woke up to MW, but also some bangin' withdrawals. I mean real bad, to the point where my brain straight up hurts. Hoping that this streak of withdrawals will end soon, because it's been a pretty crappy last couple of days. Fucking hell man, it's making me feel like I still have a long way to go, even though I get morning wood almost every morning. I fucking hate how much time this addiction has wasted in my life. But these are the cards I've been dealt I suppose. Kinda shitty if you ask me.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 01, 2020, 06:59:58 PM
Been depressed almost all day, to a certain extent. This withdrawal process is really starting to weigh on me. I feel depressed more often than I don't, and I know that it's because of the PAWs, because I'm on the proper meds for my mental illness.

I haven't lost hope, but I'm praying for a reprieve from all this. I need some time to recoup. I need some time to deal with real life. I just want normal people problems.

More worried than ever that the sex I've been having has done some real damage. Normally the night time is a time of relative peace, but the nights have been almost worse than the days lately. FUCK!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 02, 2020, 12:22:18 PM
The pain I'm feeling right now is excruciating. I can't fucking stand this anymore man, it's been relentless. I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. It makes me such a weak person when I'm like this, and people can't help but take advantage of my weak energy. I'm at a loss for words. I'm going to fucking lose my mind man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on March 02, 2020, 12:58:43 PM
Keep pushing man, you will get out of it. Think of the reasons, why you doing this. The pain will end.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 03, 2020, 04:38:23 PM
Feeling like ass again. I can tell my brain wants porn because it craves shit like sugar, youtube, video games, etc. Anything that's an instant shot of brain chemicals. Fucking hell man, I have a long way to go when it comes to overcoming this horse shit. It hurts so bad sometimes. I feel like I'm in the middle of the devil's anus.

In other news, I am having morning wood almost every morning, so something is in fact happening.

Lastly, I'm now about 100% convinced that sex, during this time of my reboot, is not good for me. I'm going to wait a while before I engage in it again. There's just no use risking my entire reboot on a momentary act.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 04, 2020, 12:21:15 PM
Still fucking terrible. The pain is otherworldly. I can't even read because life is so uninteresting. Can't spell either. Can't do much of anything. I hate this so much. I hope I get a reprieve soon, it's been two weeks straight of painful withdrawals.

A point i want to make about these withdrawals is this: the worst part about them is that they make you feel incredibly, incredibly lonely. I feel as if I'm the only person on earth right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 05, 2020, 01:01:35 PM
Today is not as bad as yesterday, but I still feel like absolute dog shit. I just need to survive this until it passes. I'm very scared right now. I feel very, very alone. I feel as if I have no one to turn to, because this process is such a singular, internal one.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2020, 08:30:39 AM
Had a slight reprieve a couple of days ago, but the withdrawals returned yesterday and are back again today. I’m in a new phase of my recovery, and things are no longer predictable. I’m starting to think that things get harder as I progress further. My morning wood this morning was the strongest yet, so I’m definitely headed somewhere worth going. I just need to keep pushing. I’m scared of how difficult the next couple months will be, but I’m also quite excited by the idea that I will have progressed further than ever before.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2020, 11:43:50 AM
My brain REALLY wants porn right now. I need to be extra, extra weary today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: wecandoit on March 07, 2020, 12:25:50 PM
Hang in there, man! I've seen the true face of withdrawal myself. It can get really suffocating. But you've been through hard days, you know you can go on without relapsing. If you relapse, the addiction will win and you will have to face the withdrawal again. Go through it once and the you can be done with it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 08, 2020, 04:43:22 PM
Hang in there, man! I've seen the true face of withdrawal myself. It can get really suffocating. But you've been through hard days, you know you can go on without relapsing. If you relapse, the addiction will win and you will have to face the withdrawal again. Go through it once and the you can be done with it.

Thanks for the support man.

Had a good night yesterday, I need to remember that I do have good times interspersed with the bad. Definitely on the right track with everything. Need to stay the course and remain vigilant. This is all so very, very important.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 09, 2020, 10:48:35 AM
Another day another dollar. Still just trying to do my best. My brain feels heavy today. I think it’s getting after the really deep rooted evil.

The withdrawals have taken on a different tone and are no longer predictable, so every day kind of comes as a surprise.

Had some MW this morning but it didn’t come until after I fell back asleep the second time at around 9 in the morning. Don’t know what that means but I’ll take the MW over nothing.

My anxiety is high today and I don’t know if that’s because of the PAWs or because of mental illness. The two are still far too convoluted at this point.

I wish this addiction never happened, but hopefully something good has come out of all this suffering.

Still can’t read or write very well, I have a feeling that the cognitive side effects will be one of the last things to go.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 10, 2020, 11:15:31 AM
I lied yesterday, because I believe that I can in fact predict the next couple weeks. I’ve restarted a cycle where the pain of the withdrawals will hit a crescendo sometime near the two week mark. My brain will now be in the active state of healing, because at the end of the two weeks it will have leveled up, meaning that my resting state won’t be as bad as it was the last several days. So that means that I’ve been in a state of reprieve for the past half week, which is scary because it wasn’t so restful as I would’ve liked. This also means that I have a long way to go. These next couple months are going to be fucking brutal. I fucked my brain up so much a year ago. I binged and binged for a week, and it basically gouged a massive divot in my brains tissue. Now the scar has to form, which, you know, fuck that. It’s gunna hurt like hell. I need to be prepared, though it’s nigh impossible to prepare for the level of discomfort I’m going to feel.

My brain hasn’t once given up its desire for me to relapse. Porn is always lurking in the shadows. I need to meditate and be weary.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 10, 2020, 06:10:40 PM
Today has actually been terrible. I feel as if I’m in another world, and I feel as if death is right around the corner. My loneliness is constant. I pray to science that these withdrawals are so severe because I’m close to the end, though I fear that isn’t the case. Regardless, the past 2 to 3 weeks have been more difficult than any other. I just don’t understand how any of this works. All I know is that it hurts so fucking bad, and that I’m weary, and scared. Very, very scared.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 10, 2020, 10:33:34 PM
Today ended up equaling the worst day of my recovery. And the two days were not that spread apart. I don't know what the fuck is going on man. This is torture. i mean jesus fucking christ, I'm ~130 days into this horse shit, and my last streak was 190 days, with only a couple relapses in between. What does it take to beat this shit? Fuck man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 11, 2020, 09:54:55 AM
Woke up feeling terrible today. Honestly don’t know what to do at this point.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on March 11, 2020, 01:09:39 PM
Just hold on to your reasons. It will pass.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: wecandoit on March 12, 2020, 07:00:32 AM
Hang in there, man. Don't forget that PMO and porn will not make you feel better, they will not heal your condition. Even if you feel terrible, porn is not the medicine.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 13, 2020, 01:19:10 PM
@Jeks and @wecandoit: Thanks for the support fellas. Means a lot. The thing is that when I get in those deep, dark places I start to panic and think that they aren't going to disappear.

Updates--I've been in a period of reprieve (finally) where I don't feel like complete shit. I still have a long way to go with this process, but I have a feeling that the withdrawals will never be as severe as they were these past couple of weeks. But that doesn't mean they won't test me to my very core, because they will.

I've been reading old pieces of fiction that I'd written and I've decided that Lamictal is fucking with my creativity a little. But there's not much I can do about it because I fucking need it. I just don't know man, all of this is so confusing to me.

I need to focus on the good parts of life--I know that. I'm lucky to be alive, for starters. I'm also lucky to be able to afford the care that I've received in regards to my mental illness. Many people don't have that luxury.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 14, 2020, 10:05:55 AM
For some reason I wasn't honest yesterday: I had sex two nights ago, and it, once again, made me feel like shit. Porn and sex, for me, are still too intricately linked. It doesn't feel like a relapse, but it causes major brainfog and chaser effects, both of which are difficult to deal with and make everyday living a drag. I've said this many, many times on this forum, and yet I continue to engage in sex. Its very disappointing, but all I can do is try to get better.

A part of me wants to end the relationship I have with the girl I'm seeing because I have so much at risk here. I can't afford to let the chaser effect ruin me. Whenever I'm in bed with her it doesn't feel totally natural. My brain is kind of jonesing for porn through her, if that makes sense. It still sees her as an object of lust. Not good. I don't know when I'll be able to healthily have sex again, but that time has not yet come. I'm still going through some very intense withdrawals, so it makes sense that my brain is still confused. My healthy libido hasn't returned. It's still a cyber libido that's fueled by pleasure and lust.

I need to continue to meditate and to come to grips with the fact that I still have a long ways to go before I'm anywhere close to being prepared for real sex.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 15, 2020, 09:19:57 AM
Had sex last night. Whatever. After this upcoming Friday I won't be living in the same place as the girl I'm seeing, so I won't even have to show restraint. Kind of looking forward to that to be honest.

But yeah, the last couple days have been light on the withdrawals. I kind of wish I didn't have intercourse during these pivotal moments of reprieve since it causes brain frog and chaser effects, but I'm still grateful that I've been able to have a string of days without such heavy withdrawals.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on March 15, 2020, 01:35:46 PM
Hey zander,

i also think its a good thing, that you wont see this girl as regularly as the last days. It will give you some time to reflect on the situation.
After the experiences you had the last days or weeks, i think you have to make a clear decision on sex. Because for what i read it gives you a tougher time with withdrawals and that's just playing with fire. Its only a matter of time i think that it will lead you to porn again and when this is the case, you should really consider making a break of sex for a longer while, so your brain can recuperate. When sex is bringing you back to porn and makes you feel miserable, its as bad as porn for now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 15, 2020, 03:45:55 PM
Hey zander,

i also think its a good thing, that you wont see this girl as regularly as the last days. It will give you some time to reflect on the situation.
After the experiences you had the last days or weeks, i think you have to make a clear decision on sex. Because for what i read it gives you a tougher time with withdrawals and that's just playing with fire. Its only a matter of time i think that it will lead you to porn again and when this is the case, you should really consider making a break of sex for a longer while, so your brain can recuperate. When sex is bringing you back to porn and makes you feel miserable, its as bad as porn for now.

I completely agree man. It's just as compulsive. I really appreciate the feedback man, it's good to read someone else saying it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 16, 2020, 08:52:15 AM
I got depressed-depressed yesterday. I've been tinkering with my meds as of late and I was forced, through the depression, to accept the fact that I need to be on a mood stabilizer. Mood stabilizers make my connection with real life fuzzy and diminished, which is why I want to be on a lower dose than my prescription, but for some reason my brain isn't okay without the Lamictal. Another sad fact about mood stabilizers, or at least Lamictal, is that it's much more difficult to write while on it. And because I'm less in tune with my emotions, I can't access the parts of me that get me into the flow state. Fucking sucks, right? I've had to completely rethink my future because of this recent, dynamic shift. I so badly wanted to study English and become some kind of literature teacher or professor, and now I'm beginning to think that I can no longer do that. It's a hard pill to swallow. My creativity will never be the same, unless I come across some miracle that I'm, as of now, unaware of. Maybe, in the next few years another bi-polar drug will come out that doesn't stifle emotion, but who knows.


In regards to my addiction journey, I've had a pretty decent string of days without heavy withdrawals, including this morning. I'm very grateful for that. My brain isn't completely healed by any means, and I know that another withdrawals cycle will begin soon, but this short vacation from the pain is welcomed. It allows me to regain my composure, and to take stock of my current state of being. It allows me to look toward the horizon. It also has shown me that without the withdrawals, my mental illness is very much an entity in my life. When the withdrawals fade, I'm left with my factory settings, which include bipolarity. But I digress. The addiction is not over yet, and I need to stack some wood and barricade the windows, because a storm is coming. I've been meditating daily, and I'll be, from now on, taking my meds as prescribed, so all I can do is take the pain as it comes, and try not to react to it as strongly as I have been. I'm guessing that the pain won't be as severe as the last cycle, but with this addiction you can't really count on anything. It's just as random as it is predictable. Therapist type folks always say that recovery isn't linear, and I believe them.


Wish me luck brethren. I wish it for you guys too.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 16, 2020, 09:50:39 AM
I have more to say. Since I'm still withdrawing from porn, maybe I'll be able to go on a lower dose once all the symptoms of this addiction clear up.

Since posting this morning I feel super depressed. Considering my kibbles and bits are vascillating between shrunken and half-shrunked, I'm assuming that the withdrawals have returned. At least I hope to God that's what it is. I fucking hate the fact that I have both a mental illness and a PMO addiction. The symptoms are ridiculously tangled up and intertwined, like the hornet's nest of a line on an old fishing rod. I'm nearing 5 months of no PMO, and I hate to think about how much longer I have to go with this stuff. When is my life going to get better? Easier? I can't help but complain about everything because I'm tired of feeling shitty. I just want a good month of happy days. 30 fucking days of relative bliss. That's not too much to ask.


A part of me does honestly believe that the withdrawals have gotten worse because I'm getting at the roots of this addiction, and we all know that it's more difficult to pull a plant out by its roots than it's stem. And the soil around it get's all broken and crumbled, much like how the skin around a wound gets swollen and tender. Maybe I should start keeping a journal, because I have a lot of emotions to let out.

Anyways, I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 17, 2020, 05:01:08 PM
Had sex last night. Fucking pissed at myself. Withdrawals have also returned, so I'm in for a ride. just trying to make it through the day.  I need to re-evaluate where I'm at with everything without the sex hindering my view.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 18, 2020, 05:30:19 PM
Was in some pretty serious pain today due to withdrawals. Let's hope the future is brighter. I need to stop having sex man, it is wrecking shit.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 20, 2020, 12:28:47 PM
Having an okay day. Still feeling angry, insecure, anxious, and other negative emotions, but they aren't as severe as they were the past couple of days. I've been sleeping poorly as of late, and I know that it's because of the PAWs. I've been getting boners at night whilst having fragmented, odd dreams, followed by brief wakeups about every hour. I just don't really know where I'm at anymore, but I think that despite the morning woods and night time woods, I still have a while to go. There's a reason its called PAWs, post being the keyword.

Need to keep going and try not to react too strongly to my negative emotions and depressions. Much easier said than done, considering I cannot survive without human interaction. I just hate the fact that it makes me feel so insecure in social situations because I like to represent myself as a leader, and an alpha male, because those two traits are who I am. I have a strong presence when I'm feeling well, and the contrast between the two states of being is fucking terrible. I don't want to fight below my weight.

When push comes to shove, the withdrawals of this addiction aren't fair. The punishment is nowhere near the crime, and I don't care what anyone else has to say about selfishness or sin or whatever. I was a young kid who didn't know how to express emotions because my Dad is a hardo frat guy/lawyer. I don't blame myself at tall to be honest. Yet I still have to contend with soul crippling withdrawals at the age of 28. Makes me doubt the existence of a higher power to be real with you all and myself. I just don't see the fairness in this world, and not jut because of my situation. People get hit by stray bullets all the time. Kids in Syria, no older than six, get seron gassed. It's all a bunch of human-made, random horseshit.

I'm being negative today and I acknowledge that, but what am I to do? Ignore whole days of my life because this addiction tears them away from my internal goodness? That's a lot of time, considering how many days I've been enduring withdrawals over the past 5 years.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 20, 2020, 03:43:13 PM
My girl left today, I won't see her for a month. I'm going to miss her, but it'll be good long term as far as my recovery is concerned. Before she left we made out and she gave me a half of a BJ (I didn't finish), which, of course, left my brain fuzzy and all that jazz. I'm going to miss her presence and her personality, but I'm happy that I won't be tempted to do anything stupid for a while.

I feel a little lost in life, and I'm sure this virus has a little bit to do with that. Hopefully, one day, all this shit will work out, and I'll be able to cherish each day of my life in a way that I just flat out can't right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on March 20, 2020, 03:55:59 PM
Hey zander,

the best thing you can do now is to focus on taking care of your porn addiction. A lot of things will fall in place, when you do this. As long as you dont do it, your life wont change. Maybe that sounds like bad news, but when you think about it, its really good news, because you can change your life and you know what you have to do to get there. That shit will work out.
I hope this can help you a bit. Take care man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 21, 2020, 08:26:15 PM
Today actually ended up sucking dick--the withdrawals were terrible. I felt like I got bit by a copperhead, but instead of the bite being on a part of my body, it was in my emotions. My emotions were filled with venom by the withdrawal copperhead, basically. There's nothing I can do but laugh at this point, because this is all just pure insanity. The whole kit and caboodle. When I was a little boy, I thought 28 year old's were fucking mountain men who slung axes over their shoulders and stomped on serfs for a living. If only that little kid could see me now--a confused, scared man-child with soul-crushing Porn PAWs. Jesus fucking Christ.


Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on March 21, 2020, 11:37:14 PM
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 22, 2020, 08:45:07 AM
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.

Well said man. Thanks for your support, means a lot.

Expecting a similar day to yesterday. I'm really in the thick of it right now--the next 1-2 weeks are going to be brutal. Just trying to hang in there and hope that the next cycle of withdrawals aren't as difficult as this cycle has been so far.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: wecandoit on March 22, 2020, 09:09:26 AM
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.

Of course. When I found out that I had an addiction to porn, I didn't like it at all. I used to hear about drug and alcohol addiction and I said "I will never get addicted to anything and then have to suffer." So imagine when I discovered I had an addiction. But I thought it was an easy addiction. I said "This is not heroin. I will start tomorrow and I will be done with it." Fast forward some time later and many relapses and I couldn't believe how difficult it was. The thing was that I didn't want to accept that I had to suffer the withdrawal. I said "Fuck, no! I am a victim! When I started watching porn, nobody told me it was an addiction so why should I suffer now?" I rebelled against this and it cost me a lot until I reached a point when I had to look at the facts: I can't go back in time and stop myself from becoming a porn addict. I can only move forward and quit porn. And to do this, it is inevitable that I will be going through the suffering of withdrawal. Those are the facts and I had to accept this because not accepting it makes things impossible. "Okay, fine, I will suffer, I will go through withdrawal so let's do it and escape this. How should I approach this then?" Then my streaks started getting longer than 4 days. I'm close to a month this time.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 23, 2020, 11:47:43 AM
5 Months

I'm not that into counting days, because it doesn't mean anything to me. All I want is to be recovered, I odn't really give a shit about what day I'm on. But I'm also a hypocrite, so there's that. I do care that I'm at the 5 month mark, because I can be proud of that fact. But I'm not going to start tallying days one at a time.

This morning was ridiculously difficult. I feel a bit better now, but I can still feel the pain lurking nearby. I'm in the middle of the forest. Monsters surround me.

I just want to make it through. The pain is a requirement, so there's no use fighting against it so damn hard. I need to feel the pain in order to make it to a place where I've never been before.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 24, 2020, 08:34:37 AM
I woke up today feeling unwell, and I think that will continue to be the theme for the remainder of the day. Just need to keep pushing, but boy does it hurt right now. My mind is on fire.

I'm still scared about what Lamictal does to me cognitively. But I have to force myself to push those worries to the back of my mind and focus on beating my addiction. There's not much else I can do at the moment, since the addiction clouds my baseline anyways.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 25, 2020, 07:31:14 AM
yesterday was a pretty darn good day. The morning was tough as hell, but after the mid afternoon I had a solid 3-4 hours of good feelings. It was a nice break from the pain of this current withdrawal cycle. We'll see how today goes--I'm ready for the worst.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on March 25, 2020, 12:09:06 PM
Good news zander
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 25, 2020, 06:31:29 PM
Good news zander

yeah it was nice.

Unfortunately, today has been a little tougher, especially towards the early evening/night. Just gotta keep trucking forward, and hope that I'll be able to remedy the cognitive impairment caused by Lamictal. I really hate the fact that I can barely pull a sentence together. Fuckin sucks.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 26, 2020, 01:36:35 PM
Today has been brutal. Super insecure and down in the dumps. I feel like I'm making a fool out of myself during every social interaction. To put it bluntly, I'm not myself. In any way. My personality has totally shifted, and the light that shines behind me eyes is temporarily extinguished. I'm just trying to survive right now, and brainstorm what I can to make this withdrawal process easier.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 27, 2020, 11:59:28 AM
Last night was actually great. After 730 all the pain turned off like a light switch and i felt like some version of my normal self. It was a welcomed break from all the difficulty I'd been experiencing throughout the afternoon.

Today hasn't been bad so far, the withdrawals have kind of been a background noise--like a barely noticeable white noise.

As always, we'll see how the rest of the day goes. All I know is that this cycle of withdrawals is different from the last, which means some sort of change is taking place. I welcome the hell out of change. I was starting to feel as if I were going to be stuck in the same loop of suffering for the next 2 odd years.

The last thing I'd like to say is that some of the cognitive impairment I associate with the mood stabilizer I'm on is actually being caused by the withdrawals themselves, and that though I do still feel fuzzy when it comes to pulling words from my subconscious and overall spelling, punctuation, and grammar, I'm very happy to discover that the Lamictal isn't causing all of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on March 27, 2020, 01:47:21 PM
Keep beating that hungry wolf to death man. He's starving. Let him die. Keep it up.

Good to hear that the day turned out better and you're feeling more like yourself.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 27, 2020, 04:08:09 PM
Keep beating that hungry wolf to death man. He's starving. Let him die. Keep it up.

Good to hear that the day turned out better and you're feeling more like yourself.

Damn man I liked that. Nice writing. And thanks for the support.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 28, 2020, 02:13:06 PM
Trying 100mg of lamictal as opposed to 150, the world already seems clearer, but we shall see if i start getting depressed.

When it comes to the addiction, the withdrawals have been pretty rough today. Let's hope that they start to improve pretty soon, because I'm over this shit. I just want a normal cock and balls.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 29, 2020, 12:21:01 PM
Withdrawals are somewhat mild today, but still not great. This current "flatline" is 14 days old, and I have a feeling that I still have a solid week or so before it ends. Nothing else to say really. I'm ready for some change in my life. I really am.

Just starting to realize that the withdrawals arent as mild as I thought, because my dick is all shrunken and my brain is being singed by a dull fire.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 30, 2020, 08:12:35 AM
Another day of withdrawals. And my experiment didn't work with the 100mg of Lamictal--I started to get sad yesterday. I'm just goingto have to wait until all this PMO nonsense clears up before I try again. And if it doesn't work during that phase of my recovery, then I'll try a new drug, or ketamine, or mushrooms, or whatever it takes to be able to create in the way that I know I can.

If this withdrawals "cycle" is anything like the previous one, then I have 4 more days of pain before my hard earned reprieve. Until then, I'm going to hunker down and try not to dwell on how much all of this sucks.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 30, 2020, 05:35:46 PM
Feel like fucking shit right now. Like really, really shitty. I'm in the throes of the devil's anus. Jesus, from atop the cross, is slapping me with his veiny, bulbous, dick.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 30, 2020, 08:41:14 PM
Feeling a little better now, though the storm isn't over, I'm just in the eye of it. The worst of it isn't going to hit until the eye makes way for the vortex.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on March 30, 2020, 11:20:19 PM
Hey zander keep going man. Your past fades further from you with each passing day. Keep the vision of your true self in your mind and don't let go of it. Here for you, bro.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 31, 2020, 07:36:48 AM
Hey zander keep going man. Your past fades further from you with each passing day. Keep the vision of your true self in your mind and don't let go of it. Here for you, bro.

Thanks man, I really appreciate that. Good luck to you.


Woke up hurting today. Had another porn dream, followed by a dream with my ex-girlfriend that followed a similar template to the majority of the other dreams she's been in.

I don't know what today will hold, but I have a feeling that it's going to be yet another difficult one. The only way out is through, so I'm going to try and slice through it with as little friction as possible.

I find myself not having much to say during the extremely difficult times. All I can really do is bitch, and say that I need to keep pushing forward. And, yet again, that's all I got right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 01, 2020, 11:52:12 AM
Morning wasn't bad but I'm starting to get hit with some strong withdrawals. I hope to God that I'll come out of this cycle soon, it's been going on for a while, and I'm starting to get afraid that it's going to go on for a lot longer. There's a part of me that doesn't believe that I will ever recover, and I think it'll always be there until I finally do.

Pray for me folks, I have a feeling these next couple of days will be a doozy.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 01, 2020, 01:18:10 PM
really regretting how much time ive wasted on these withdrawals
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on April 01, 2020, 03:03:01 PM
At least with the world shut down, there probably hasn't been a better time to "waste time" if you feel like that's what it is
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 01, 2020, 07:22:05 PM
This is the lowest I've been since the start of the reboot. Bar none.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 02, 2020, 02:29:57 AM
Hey man,

hang in there. It will pass.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 02, 2020, 09:43:31 AM
Hey man,

hang in there. It will pass.

I think I have three or so days left of the terrible stuff. Wish me luck.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 02, 2020, 01:20:44 PM
Today is an improvement on yesterday, but it still isn't fun. I'm jsut so fucking pissed off by the fact that I don't know what my baseline is. It's like that plain wreck that no one could find. It's buried underneath all the brain worms and parasites I've accumulated over the past 15 years.

I can't read/write very well today, and I'm curious to know why. Is it because of my stupid meds, or because of the brain changes occurring in my head? I'm scared that it's going to take months and months before I begin to even have a clue. All I want is to be able to read and write in a way that I used to. I want to feel some fucking emotions too. And some honest, pornless sexuality. Nothing compulsive or dirty feeling. Just some pure, animalistic sex thoughts. I've felt that kind of energy in short glimpses, and now I want it consistently. And what's so sad about these requests is that all I'm requesting from the world is to feel fuckin' normal.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 02, 2020, 01:48:28 PM
I feel you man. Playing the waiting game is the worst, especially if you dont know, what the outcome might be. The uncertainty is brutal and for me personally the most difficult to handle. But let me tell you this. It will be worth it, doesnt matter what the outcome will be, because you will be one step closer on figuring out what the problem is. Second of all a lot of things will fall into place for you and everything will go a lot smoother, even if it should not resolve everything. And this will allow you to have more capacity to take care and work on all the things, which might still troubling you.
Let me ask you this man: when it would take twice as long to heal, would it still be worth it?

I can completely understand your feelings, ive gone through it so many fucking times. And i tell you, its totally fine to be frustrated, angry and sad about all of this. But the important thing is that you dont loose your goal out of sight and to keep on the process. You are saying there has been times were you already felt the improvements. So you can be certain, that it will help. Hold on to that and keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on April 03, 2020, 12:05:52 AM
Hey zander. It was a rough day for me. I got hit pretty hard by a strong urge to PMO but I made it through and I'm here tonight. You'll make it through too, man. Keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 03, 2020, 07:59:57 AM
I feel you man. Playing the waiting game is the worst, especially if you dont know, what the outcome might be. The uncertainty is brutal and for me personally the most difficult to handle. But let me tell you this. It will be worth it, doesnt matter what the outcome will be, because you will be one step closer on figuring out what the problem is. Second of all a lot of things will fall into place for you and everything will go a lot smoother, even if it should not resolve everything. And this will allow you to have more capacity to take care and work on all the things, which might still troubling you.
Let me ask you this man: when it would take twice as long to heal, would it still be worth it?

I can completely understand your feelings, ive gone through it so many fucking times. And i tell you, its totally fine to be frustrated, angry and sad about all of this. But the important thing is that you dont loose your goal out of sight and to keep on the process. You are saying there has been times were you already felt the improvements. So you can be certain, that it will help. Hold on to that and keep going.

Well said sir. Thanks for the kind words.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 03, 2020, 08:09:19 AM
Had some weird dreams and some barely noticeable morning wood. I felt the withdrawals immediately upon waking up. I'm starting to doubt my initial predictions about the length of this particular flatline. It seems to be holding on pretty tight.

I find myself having few words to say these days. I think it might be the lamictal, or, possibly, the cognitive disfunction caused by the withdrawals themselves. I don't fucking know anymore .In fact, I feel as if I don't know anything anymore. My whole life, personality, future, and intelligence are all congealed into one big blob of mystery. I'm lost. I feel fragmented--like glitter in the sky. I'm just a gathering of odd-shaped shards and broken pieces of soul. There's nothing for me to hold onto. Sounds dramatic, but it's difficult to continue on when my identity is so ethereal and vague. Of course I'm going to continue moving forward, but I'd be lying if I said I was confident in where I was going. I'm scared of a lot of things, though hope does rim the surface of my doubt.

To put it short, I really, really hope that the other side is as beautiful as I imagined it to be.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 04, 2020, 08:43:54 AM
Yesterday night was tough--i was overcompensating socially for the fact that I felt so insecure and feminie. The fun never ends with this shit.

Today is going to be difficult--I woke up already feeling depressed. Good thing is I had a pretty decent morning wood and my dream was pretty vivid (though negative-toned), so I like to believe that I'm nearing the end of this current withdrawal cycle. That would be fucking incredible. I'm on day 19 of it, and I'm fucking tired.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 04, 2020, 02:09:36 PM
It's been a really bad morning and afternoon so far. Feeling very down. Just gotta keep going, even though it feels as if my brain is going to implode like an old star.

It's getting worse as the day goes on. What a ride man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 05, 2020, 01:18:49 PM
Another shit day. I no longer have the words to complain. Life is hell for me these days. Not much hope.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 06, 2020, 11:56:29 AM
Today hasn't been too bad so far. I think it's about to get shitty again, but the late morning was pretty encouraging. I've been dreaming more lately and getting some boner activity in the early morning hours. Progress is slow but it's there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 06, 2020, 04:16:20 PM
2:30-7pm is the worst for me. My brain is scrambled and depressed during those hours. I'm scared that it's going to take a LONG fucking time before I heal.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 07, 2020, 10:42:37 AM
Morning was tough--my allergies are terrible right now, which doesn't help anything. I think today is going to be another toughie, especially from 3-8ish.

I'm trying a new medication that might help with the severity of the mental/emotional symptoms, an event that I'm both excited and nervous about. I just want some of the edge to be taken off, and it's worth the risks involved with the med's side effects (I hope).

I'm progressing every day, and eventually something major will give. All I can do is try to make the best of the tough days, and find hope in the little victories.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 07, 2020, 03:21:02 PM
Feeling pretty fucking terrible right now. Look up the words "kindling addiction". That's exactly what I've been doing to myself for the past 3 or so years. Long streaks, relapses, long streaks, relapses. It's like drinking rat poison for your brain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 08, 2020, 08:17:21 AM
Started a new drug, and it seems to be taking the edge off of the withdrawals. Either that or today was going to be a good day anyways, and the drug is superfluous. I need a bigger sample in order to determine exactly what's going on. The bad part about this new drug is that I don't feel as connected to my past, meaning that I'm not feeling the pangs of nostalgia I'd been getting for the past month or so.

Regardless, I'm only going to stay this drugged for the next couple months. Once I feel like I'm through the worst of it all, I'll see how little drugs I need to remain stable.

Wish me luck fellas.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 08, 2020, 10:51:53 AM
Almost immediately after my last post my mood started to plummet, and I now realize that I'm in a dogfight. I'm taking machine gun fire and grenades from all sides. The cravings are strong as hell today. Hopefully this means that I'm at the end of this current flatline, which is 23 days old. I'm ready for something new, so I'm going to weather this storm and look to the horizon.

Soldiers, today is going to be hell, but my heart will remain full. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 08, 2020, 02:27:16 PM
You will find your way out of it zander. Keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 09, 2020, 08:23:23 AM
You will find your way out of it zander. Keep going.

Thanks for the support, I like how we're encouraging one another.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 09, 2020, 08:29:01 AM
This morning hasn't been too bad. I had a crazy night full of odd, semi-vivid dreams and pretty rough withdrawals. In fact, I woke up several times throughout the night because the withdrawals were so intense.

We'll see how today goes though--maybe last night was a signifier of something, or maybe it was just another phase of this flatline that I can't seem to escape.

I have some form of morning wood more often than I don't but it's never that powerful, and it usually fades shortly after I wake up and realize it's there. I feel as if I'm in the part of the flatline/journey where things begin to plateau, and progress becomes slower moving. Regardless, I gotta keep pushing forward, and remember why I'm doing this. I can't get too caught up in the moment, though it's very difficult not to when the depression gets as bad as it's been getting.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 10, 2020, 07:59:43 AM
Woke up feeling weird this morning, and it's already gotten bad. Today is going to be a really tough day, I can already tell. All I need to do is survive.

Edit: I was right, today has been difficult so far. Hopefully this means that I'm near the end of this flatline, it's been going on for 25 days. That's 25 days of difficult, painful withdrawals. Not every moment has been difficult, but the majority of the time has been rough. Anxiety,depression, insecurity, doubt, shame, fear--all of those emotions fill the withdrawal periods. My dick and balls have been periodically shrunken all throughout. Fucking hell man, it's been so fucking terrible. This new drug I'm on helps a little, but the sacrifice I make is cognitive impairment and an increased level of brain fog and overall disconnectedness from the world. To put it bluntly, I feel drugged out. I can't read at all, and writing is even more difficult than before.

I can't wait for the time when all of this is over. I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I want to be my best self.

Another edit:

I have now realized that I've never once broken out of the flatline during all of my numerous, lengthy reboot attempts. I've made it to 190 days twice, 150 twice, and a bunch of other numbers before and after, including several 90 day stints and a couple 120s. Kind of sad when I think about it. That's so much time spent in flatlines.

But to get back to my point, never once have I gotten past the flatline period. I've never shaken off the tugging, nagging, depressing sensations of the withdrawals. Not once.

So it's about fucking time that I beat this shit for good, so I don't care about how many drugs I'm on right now--I'll do anything to feel my emotions again. My life is literally on the line at this point, and I can't fuck up now. This addiction is unforgivable when it comes to relapses, and that's a fucking fact. People can dispute it all they want, but if your addiction is deep and thorough, then relapsing fucks you over bigtime.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 11, 2020, 02:06:49 PM
Got withdrawals at 6 am that woke me up, and have had them ever since. Fuck. I'm in a dark place.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: CallousedMind on April 12, 2020, 01:43:38 AM
Hi Zander!
I read your journal and it was really encouraging and it made me realize that this process is going to be hard and it's going to take a lot of time to complete so thank you. I haven't been able to get any streak as long as yours and I only experienced strong withdraw feelings once so I'm not an expert on that field but I think doing some sport will definitely help you. Maybe you're doing it already, I don't know. For my working out, even just for 25 minutes, has helped me a lot. It just makes you happier and you get out of your mind for a while. Also, I don't know if you are in the productivity/self development/whatever world and if you know Tim Ferris but he was an interview with Jocko Willink (a NAVY SEAL powerful as hell) about depression and suicide. He has some good knowledge about the subject so I think you may get something out of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsxydhFqXug (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsxydhFqXug)
Have a nice day Zander.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: goingpublic on April 12, 2020, 04:28:33 AM
Have been reading your whole journal a couple of days ago. Man, your journey is tough (to say the least)! Mental illness is a bitch. I thought I have problems.

I also thought that your withdrawl symptoms comming every coulple of days and then you feeling normal/good sounded much like you are bipolar.

Maybe the carnivore diet helps you. Jordan Peterson and his daughter got a lot better by that (with their depressions).
A book in the same direction is "The UltraMind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain by Healing Your Body First" by Mark Hyman.
I talks about how food affects the brain.

Just some ideas.

I just wish you the best to get better!

-

Today is my 70th day of my current streak. I do nofap because I feel no attraction/desire for girls. I fapped from age 13 to 29. I'm 29 years old now. Found out that I had to do nofap in 2018. So from that time I tried to nofap but failed a lot. I had streaks and times where I didn't care and PMOed up until 2020.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 12, 2020, 07:49:34 AM
Day 170

Had a tough day yesterday and it seems I'm still in the flatline today, but my confidence is rising and I feel more comfortable in social situations, so I'll take it. I still can't read at all, or write cohesively, but I'm happy with where I'm at. This process is going to take a long time for me, which makes sense because I have a mental illness and I heard this addiction can hit us deranged folks harder than the average American.

I am pretty damn confident that I'll get to the finish line, whenever that is. I have no desire to tap out, and I'll get my forearm bone (I forgot what it's called) broken in an arm bar before I hit my hand on the mat.

Edit: No MW this morning, and last night I couldn't get a boner when making out and playing around with a girl. Embarassing but I explained and hoped that she wouldn't get freaked out or judge me. I'd rather tell the truth to a girl than to make excuses or try and lie my way out of the situation.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 12, 2020, 05:37:22 PM
Just got a blowjob. I didn't expect to get a boner with this girl but it ended up happening. I feel guilty because it's not the same girl I've been referring to. I basically cheated. I feel like a complete prick. I'm also experiencing the chaser effect and need to ensure that my vigilance is exponentially raised. I'm kind of happy that I was able to get an erection since I haven't been able to during this flatline (26 days I believe). I guess a part of me was hoping that it would rescue me from the flatline completely, so in that sense I'm not ashamed. In fact, when it comes to the actual orgasm, I'm going to try and not beat myself up about it, because that won't accomplish anything. I didn't watch porn, it was someone else's mouth/hand, and it was all happening in the realm of reality. I might feel like shit the next few days, but that's not too different than how I've been feeling lately anyways. Usually I start feeling better at around this time of day (~6pm), but it's not as if I just ruined a whole week. I have the strength to make it through this, I know it in my heart. But I do need to fix this cheating situation, even if that means receiving some hate.

Wish me luck lads, and try not to judge me too hard, all of this is difficult and full of plenty of nuance and extenuating circumstances.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 13, 2020, 11:50:47 AM
Not feeling too bad today. I'm definitely seeing tangible progress when it comes to the flatline. I might even be close to coming out of it, because despite the stuff I did yesterday, I had a pretty hard morning erection this morning. It was really fucking encouraging. Maybe the sex stuff was more beneficial that I thought, or maybe I'm just getting to the point where boners are returning more frequently.

Edit: Not feeling as good, and I'm starting to think that the chaser effect is affecting things. It's hard to tell what's causing what at this point. Got my fingers crossed but I've been trained, through disappointment, to always expect the worst.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 14, 2020, 08:13:39 AM
Made a major mistake last night: I had sex with the other girl. I thought with my dick, out of compulsion, and now I am being bombarded with feelings of guilt. I'm also being hit with a strong chaser effect which has me feeling insecure and without energy. I don't really know how to think about the mistake, but all I can do is keep my eyes on the ultimate prize and remember that sobriety will always be my main goal.

The chaser effect is real today, realer than yesterday, and I really need to be smart and self-aware.

I fucked up fellas. Now I gotta pay the consequences.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 14, 2020, 10:41:48 AM
This virus is starting to get to me. I feel trapped, shameful, alone, scared, insecure, afraid, dumb, lazy, cruel, and a bunch of other things right now. I'm in a very, very dark place. I don't even know what to do with myself right now, I fucked up so hard last night and now I'm paying the consequences today. I hate myself, and not just because of the sex. I hate myself because of the choices I've been making, the position I'm currently in, the lack of freedom and independence I have, and a host of other things. I now have lies hanging over my head, and I don't know what the right course of action to take is.

I've been having odd run ins with people all day today, and I think that my current mind state is causing these interactions to be as negative as possible.

The chaser effect is kicking my ass at the minute, and I one hundred percent regret what I did last night. There is definitely still a compulsive side to my sexuality, and my brain, obviously, isn't fully healed, or I wouldn't be feeling so shitty after an orgasm. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 14, 2020, 11:41:29 AM
Hey zander,
When you feel like having sex sets you back and increases your withdrawals and makes you feel worse, you have got to stop it, at least for longer than you currently do. You were able to stop with porn, then make the same decision with sex and see where it leads to.  I really think it might delay your progress. Rewiring is great, but there are other things you can do, which might be beneficial in your case. 

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/rebooting-with-a-partner-what-about-sex/

Good luck man, keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 14, 2020, 07:45:20 PM
Hey zander,
When you feel like having sex sets you back and increases your withdrawals and makes you feel worse, you have got to stop it, at least for longer than you currently do. You were able to stop with porn, then make the same decision with sex and see where it leads to.  I really think it might delay your progress. Rewiring is great, but there are other things you can do, which might be beneficial in your case. 

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/rebooting-with-a-partner-what-about-sex/

Good luck man, keep going.

Thanks man, you're exactly right. I always very much appreciate your posts.


Feeling insecure tonight because of the chaser. Despite this, I'm feeling better when it comes to all the shame and self loathing. I just needed to ride that wave until it crashed.

Hoping tomorrow is better, though I'm always up for the worst. I'm going to beat this thing, just need to stay on the course and cultivate my patience and/or resilience.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 15, 2020, 02:24:59 PM
Tough morning, my medication experiment is in a rough patch--I don't know if I'm headed down to the right path. My energy levels are really low and this is just how it was last time I got majorly depressed, so I'm pretty fuckin' worried that I may have to be on LAmictal for the long run. I really hope not.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 15, 2020, 09:01:43 PM
My energy levels ended up rising back up and I like to think that I proved to myself that I won't need to be on Lamictal for the long term. In the short term I'm going to take it because it makes the withdrawals easier to cope with, and I don't have insane energy fluctuations like I did today.

I'm in a very difficult period of this journey, the withdrawals are sharp and painful. I can barely watch TV it's so fucking bad. I haven't been able to read in fuckin' ages. I'm in pain much more often than I'm not. I find myself living as if time were something that needs to go by, as opposed to relishing each moment.

Hopefully I'm at the crest of some sort of wave, and that it'll crash soon. I need a break.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 16, 2020, 08:40:00 AM
Feeling not bad, not good. Lamictal definitely takes some of the edge off of the blade. I had another vivid dream last night, which is encouraging to me because it means that some part of my subconscious is waking up. I like to think that I'm getting to some place that I've never seen before, and that I'll be able to return to my art of choice with an even stronger sense of my own voice. I want to create again, man. I want to hone my talents, however limited they may be. It's all about doing the best that I CAN, no matter how pitifully it stacks up to the pieces of literature that I love.

I also want to try standup comedy, because I think that my sense of humor is a stronger gift than my ability to write. It's also something I can do while on Lamictal.

Apparently I'm looking towards the future today, which is a nice change of pace. Just last night I was worried about how gloomy the skies looked.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 16, 2020, 10:20:53 AM
I am happy for you man, that you feel a little better. Not feeling bad is huge, when it comes to withdrawing from porn addiction. Use the time to get prepared for the bad times and to regain some hope and confidence.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 16, 2020, 11:05:24 AM
Feeling like shit now. Fuck man, what a 180.

Update: Today is the up there for the worst day of the reboot so far.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 17, 2020, 07:26:21 AM
Yesterday was fucking terrible, and my nuts are already shrunken this morning. It never ends man.

I'm starting to think that today might even be harder than yesterday.

Update: Today, so far, hasn't been as difficult as yesterday. I think it was just another phase of the flatline. I've been in it for 32 days and I'm beginning to believe that it's going to last for a very, very long time. Improvements are coming in very small increments, and honestly, I don't even see improvements. It's as if I'm stalled out. I obviously kindled my already volatile addiction, and now the pain is both longer and worse. All the long streaks I've had have actually hurt me more than they've helped. I'm close to 6 months and I don't see any kind of glow at the end of the tunnel. This shit could last for a long fucking time.

I think I did a crazy amount of damage the last binge I had, which was more than a year ago. It was so bad that I felt like throwing up when it was over, and I still get that feeling sometimes during these withdrawals. I sunk the knife in deep. A couple days worth of porn has spawned months and months of pain. I honestly don't know up from down anymore. My decision making, personality, sense of humor, everything, are unintelligible. I don't know hwo the fuck I am anymore, it'sbeen so long since I've been able to adequately express myself. I live in fear, man. Total fear. I'm 28 years old and I have no idea what in the fuck is going to happen to me. My instincts are all out of whack--I have no desire to improve myself or pursue any kind of career.

I think I'll become a mental health counselor, but my desire to do so is constantly in doubt. We'll see where I end up.

Another update:

Starting to feel like I did yesterday. Here we go. Pain City.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 17, 2020, 02:23:00 PM
hey zander, fucking tough man. i know the feeling of getting drained over a long period of time

I would advise for now not to worry too much about career. Use all your energies now to getting healed and to overcome this addiction. Thats said you can start to think about this stuff, when you feel like it helps you against your fights against depression and addiction. If it just feels like to you, that it puts an extra layer of pressure onto you, then try to not pressure yourself. You have enough time to think about this stuff, when you are actually healed.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 18, 2020, 10:18:58 AM
I'm in the belly of the beast. I can feel myself being digested. It's been very difficult these days. Fatigue is setting in. My body is exhausted constantly. I have zero energy. Urges are massive.

Update: Fuck boys, feeling like dog shit. Dick is hangin' low but the mental stuff is out of this world painful.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 19, 2020, 11:28:16 AM
Startin' to feel like pure shit. I actually had a few good hours yesterday which helped prepare me for the oncoming rush of hellfire.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 20, 2020, 08:52:50 AM
Feel like garbage already. Going to be a long day. Seems that I only deal with the worst of this addiction the further along I get in the process. I'm in one big flatline, it's been going on for like 34 days. Once this one is over, I feel like I'll be in a pretty good spot. I just need to ignore the fact that a lot of time is going by without any productivity on my end.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 20, 2020, 03:52:09 PM
Just keep going man. The day when all this is over will come.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 21, 2020, 09:17:46 PM
Not terrible today. Had sex last night which wasn't smart, but I'll deal with it. WDs kept me up until 2 last night, so we'll see what happens tonight. Fingers crossed.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 22, 2020, 09:03:22 AM
6 months

Fatigue is hitting me hard, it makes it hard to stand upright. These PAWs are fucking intense man.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 23, 2020, 10:15:45 PM
Beginning of the day was tough but then it was starting to get easier....and then I did something stupid and had sex (didn't come, but it seems to me that the coming isn't the important part, it's the stimulation. Kind of like how edging is worse than coming when it comes to masturbation).

I'm upset with myself. It's hard to have sympathy for a guy who knew full well how bad sex was for him yet continued on with it anyways.

The most important thing is to remember why I'm doing this: to have a second chance at life. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important than my capital "L" life. Nothing. I can't ever forget how much this reboot means to me. It's everything. It's days upon days upon days of struggling. It's the hope for a better future. It's the holy grail. I need to double down and get fucking serious. No more fucking around.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 24, 2020, 08:09:12 AM
I ended up doing it again and coming. Damn. Well, just gotta keep moving forward.

And when I say "doing it", I mean sex, not relapsing.

On the other hand, the urges are strong right now and I need to be very, very, very vigilant. This is the first time I'm facing the corona lockdown in full force, and I think the fact that I've been so solitary today has lead me to places I haven't been to in a long time. I'm a little frightened, to be honest.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 25, 2020, 11:35:58 AM
Today is tough, but not crazy tough.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 26, 2020, 07:57:41 AM
This process fuckin sucks man. I just want to feel normal. I JUST WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONS!!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 26, 2020, 08:12:33 PM
These past 3 days have been forgettable. Ready for something new.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 27, 2020, 11:08:22 AM
Feeling better today. Been having MW more days than not, though they disappear soon after I wake up, and they aren't always the stiffest.

Tired of the mental numbness that comes with the Lamictal I'm taking, but that's nothing new to report.

Yesterday was fuckin' brutal, so I'm glad it's over. I'm not going to have sex for a very, very long time. All it does is bring pain and misery. Shame that I have to scold myself about fucking naturally, but life is life. No use trying to get pissed at it.

That's all I have for now. Good luck to the lot of you. I know how rough this path is, and I applaud anyone who is willing to stay on it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 27, 2020, 03:51:53 PM
Startin to hurt pretty bad. Usually ~330-7pm sucks for me. Must mean that the meat of the damage I did during that infamous binge session occurred during this time frame. I'm currently praying that I can get off the Lamictal once this is over so I can begin to write seriously once more.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 27, 2020, 04:13:03 PM
Sorry man, i am pretty much out of words. My english is just not the best. All i can say is you are doing good. Keep being aware whats  going on. You will definitely find a way to further work on your passion, but take it step by step. Don't rush it. If you keep experimenting i am sure you will also find ways to work on it, while being on medication. Just keep observant.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 28, 2020, 10:53:56 AM
Withdrawals kept me up until 2 am last night, and I never really left that mind state. I'm already feeling significant pain today as well. Don't really know what to think about any of this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on April 29, 2020, 10:27:47 AM
Hey man. I just want to quickly take this opportunity to tell you that I've been reading your journal since the start. It is honestly quite inspiring (even if you might think it's not. I don't know what your thoughts are on that) and I actually wanted to finish the entire journal before I said anything but I only got to two pages. I think you're doing an absolutely great job. Your journey and ideas have sparked many thoughts and I want to genuinely appreciate you for that. I also want to read more before I give any detailed advice but based on your recent posts I think that you're having a rough time. I do hope you come out of this soon. You seem like a stand-up guy and I wish you luck on your journey man. Just continue fighting this battle, and in spite of being a random stranger on the internet, I completely believe you can do this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on April 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM
Hey man. I just want to quickly take this opportunity to tell you that I've been reading your journal since the start. It is honestly quite inspiring (even if you might think it's not. I don't know what your thoughts are on that) and I actually wanted to finish the entire journal before I said anything but I only got to two pages. I think you're doing an absolutely great job. Your journey and ideas have sparked many thoughts and I want to genuinely appreciate you for that. I also want to read more before I give any detailed advice but based on your recent posts I think that you're having a rough time. I do hope you come out of this soon. You seem like a stand-up guy and I wish you luck on your journey man. Just continue fighting this battle, and in spite of being a random stranger on the internet, I completely believe you can do this.

Damn man thank you so much. Really appreciate your kind words.


Yesterday was a bit of a reprieve. It was the best day I've had in a while. Today my balls are shrunken and my mind is a little fucked, but what's new about that. I think it's going to be about a year before I can rejoin society in the way that I'd like. This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society. What's weird about all this is the fact that I can have sex pretty easily, yet the mental symptoms are still terrible. I think true brain health equates to the ability to become erect through touch alone, which is a feat that I've accomplished in the past. Too bad my mental illness caused me to relapse so many times, because, normally, I'd be through this hellhole already. I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on April 30, 2020, 01:09:42 PM
This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society.

I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

I feel exactly the same way.

Thats also the reason, why i have got so much respect for you. I dont know if i would have been able to stand up like this again and again, without giving up on life. It takes so much inner strength to mobilize again and to commit on fighting back even when you feel like everything is just hopeless.

Its good news that you feel a little better today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 01, 2020, 02:55:08 PM
This quarantine isn't the worst thing for me, personally, because it's giving me time to kill without feeling like I'm getting passed up by the rest of society.

I've gone this far in a reboot at least 2 or 3 times.

I feel exactly the same way.

Thats also the reason, why i have got so much respect for you. I dont know if i would have been able to stand up like this again and again, without giving up on life. It takes so much inner strength to mobilize again and to commit on fighting back even when you feel like everything is just hopeless.

Its good news that you feel a little better today.

Dude thank you so much. It's been very hard for me to do anything productive lately--the depression from this bullshit can sometimes be all-consuming. I'll be sure to try and reciprocate the support as soon as I feel up to it.


I fucked up again, and again, it was by fucking. I had sex three times over the past two days. The chaser effect has never been stronger. I had very real urges this afternoon that were very, very difficult to fight. This whole sex thing is my only path to relapse at this point, so I don't know why I keep doing it.

I'm really worried guys, I haven't had cravings like that in a long time. And now I'm going to have to face at least another two days of them. I can't fail this late in the game. I jsut can't. I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on May 01, 2020, 05:06:18 PM
Dude, dont give up. I really know how it feels, when you feel like life is just a fight every single secound. Try to see, that there is hope. Yes, you have to take the right action, and yes it wont be easy with depressions hanging on you like weights, but there is hope. Mobilize to get to that place. I dont know all of your story, but i think working on curing your depression and getting rid of porn addiction might be on top of the list to get there. Maybe its also other stuff, but isolate on what things you have to work on for now and do everything you are capable of right now. Maybe that doesnt feel like much, but thats already enough to not get sucked in entirely by the swamp.
It seems like you have to stop having sex to beat this addiction, then work on doing so. You got rid of porn, you can also do it with sex. Make it clear in your mind, why this is necessary. It cant stay like this forever and you know that.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your situation and hope that can help. You are long enough in the process to know that you can take it or leave it and you know best whats right for you.
I wish you all the best man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 01, 2020, 07:53:27 PM
Dude, dont give up. I really know how it feels, when you feel like life is just a fight every single secound. Try to see, that there is hope. Yes, you have to take the right action, and yes it wont be easy with depressions hanging on you like weights, but there is hope. Mobilize to get to that place. I dont know all of your story, but i think working on curing your depression and getting rid of porn addiction might be on top of the list to get there. Maybe its also other stuff, but isolate on what things you have to work on for now and do everything you are capable of right now. Maybe that doesnt feel like much, but thats already enough to not get sucked in entirely by the swamp.
It seems like you have to stop having sex to beat this addiction, then work on doing so. You got rid of porn, you can also do it with sex. Make it clear in your mind, why this is necessary. It cant stay like this forever and you know that.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on your situation and hope that can help. You are long enough in the process to know that you can take it or leave it and you know best whats right for you.
I wish you all the best man.

Everything you said is correct. I can't argue with any of it. It's just nice to have this kind of support at such a critical time in my life. Thank you very much for taking the time to help me out my friend, it means a lot.

As far as the sex is concerned, I don't know what to do. As much as I enjoy the quarantine when it comes to giving me time to play on an even field with my peers, I'm starting to abhor the closeness that it brings to me and my lady friend. It's almost like "well there's nothing else to do, we might as well fuck again". I still don't know if sex is as compulsive as the porn stuff is, because most guys want to fuck as much as they can regardless of any addictions. The sex doesn't feel dirty, but it doesn't feel immaculate either. It still blows my mind how able and ready I am erection wise--my ED is just about cured, and yet the mental symptoms still eviscerate my ability to function properly. Anhedonia is a common theme in my life--I just don't give a shit about most things. When I don't receive any kind of reward for the actions I'm performing, then it's extremely hard to find motivation to do them. Netflix can barely hold my attention, and I usually end up deferring to playing Call of Duty while I listen to comedy radio.

The worst part about this addiction, to me, is the inability to enter any given moment. This hellish nightmare robs me of my ability to step into the now and just enjoy life as it is. That's what i want back most of all--total life immersion. I want to sink into time, and to just plain old look forward to things. I wanna have some fuckin' fun man. that's it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on May 02, 2020, 12:59:03 AM
As always, i just hope being a help.

I am surely no expert, but it seems to me, that when you feel like sex isn't helping you right now, worse: it even increases your symptoms, and you are not not able to stop, despite of trying it a well amount of times, then there seems to be a compulsive component to it. (that's pretty much the core diagnostical tool for addiction.)

When i had real severe depression, i was able to to tell, where my depression stemmed from. My core problems were, that i thought, that i could be impotent for the rest of my life and secondly i was very unsatisfied with my work-life. The reasons for that were complex, but i knew that these are the areas of my life, where all of this stemmed from. That of course influenced everything in my life, my ability to earn money, my ability to enjoy time with friends, my ability to enjoy my free time, my ability to build a intimate relationship, everything seemed to go to hell.
Well, clinical depression is a whole other animal, but i think that even to conquer clinical depression, you have to find out what things make you depressed, which things really cause your depression and this also can be hard to admit. And the next step is to mobilize and to try to figure these things out even if you want to shy away from it. That means, that you work on solving the problem, or that you work on learning to live with it and to be in peace with it. The good thing is, that as soon as you decide, what to work on first and you commit to it, you don't feel as helpless anymore. Sure, you still might not know, how to solve the problem or how long it will take, but at least you know what to work on for now and that can give some kind of relieve.

As always zander, i don't know your full story. I am just typing, what helped me in my situation and hope, that some of this can help you as well.
Take care of you
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 02, 2020, 01:53:04 AM
Hey Zander, sucks to see you struggling again. First of all, I think it's great that you recognize quarantine is actually a huge advantage for you since it levels the playing field. So all I'm going to do is simply ask you a question. Why are you throwing it away?

This is the time for you to get up and take action. You have enough time to achieve everything you want to. (Well, realistically, maybe not everything. But quite a lot.) This quarantine essentially gives you a headstart. Do you want to get back out there in the real world? Now is the time to be able to work on that. All you have to do is get up and actually take advantage of this time. I realize that sometimes it can be very difficult to come out of that rut. Those days when you absolutely can't find the willpower to get up and do something. Absolute hell.

Very recently, I had 2 such days in a row, and let me tell you, I bitched and moaned about how unfair life was. I did yeah, but after a certain point of time, you realize that these problems can't and won't go away on their own. You have to take some sort of action. In my case, it was realizing that I have to get up and workout and resume studies. That first workout routine after those 2 days felt absolute hell. The first page of my books felt just as dry as my sex life (LOL). But the longer you let this continue now, the shittier it is going to feel when you do get back on the wagon. Maybe things aren't that simple for you, but there has to be a point of realization where you essentially say to yourself "Okay, sure I had sex 3 times in the past two days, now I know this is bad, but what can I do going forward to avoid this? You already recognize that this didn't feel immaculate, so do I want to put my lady friend through that repeatedly? Isn't that a little unfair for her? So what am I doing to tackle this problem?"

I will also give you this: Doing something productive in quarantine: absolutely difficult. Working on problems such as addiction and those that affect mental health: even more difficult. But you have to consciously make an effort to work on them. I'm assuming you've already done this with porn, so you have a lot of experience, probably more so than I do. Put that to use. You wanna have fun doing things? Look forward to doing things and enjoying the moment? That is all up to you. If your mind is clouded by thoughts of sex, you're not going to realize any of these things. Personally, I actually look forward to studying now. It reminds me why I got into this particular field of interest and I have an equal number of days where I don't enjoy it. What keeps me going is knowing that my goal is to get to a particular point in life and my studies will help me do that. Similarly, find yourself a goal. What do you want in life and how is not having sex going to help you achieve that? You want to be able to enjoy and live in the moment? Not having sex is going to clear your mind enough to be able to do that. And so on.

Things will always be rough, you just have to find ways to overcome it. I hope this is not too preach-y, I genuinely want to be able to help and some of the things I said might've been too obvious. But with addiction and like, we often fail to see things that are too obvious and essentially they're the ones that work. Also, I agree with everything Jeks is saying too. In the end, it all comes down to how you want to put this advice to test. Hope you feel better soon man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 02, 2020, 10:18:20 AM
@anon and @Jeks: thanks for the advice and support. I wish the two of you all the best as well as you continue moving forward.

Today I woke up in a similar fashion as the previous couple of days, and yet I feel just a smidgen more motivated. I've already accomplished some things and taken care of the little details that life requires of us.

I understand people's points about using time effectively, but as Jeks fully understands, sometimes it's not about "getting shit done". Sometimes, for me, it's about survival. On some days (the past month and a half for me, really) all I can do is not relapse. So much energy get's expended trying not to do something that I don't feel much propulsion to move forward when it comes to life goals, chores, dreams. And I don't shame myself about that, because I fully believe that the motivation to succeed and build a family will naturally return as my brain heals. It's a slow, grating process, but it's an absolute requirement in my eyes. I've had days in the past where my mind was clear of the fog and my libido was close to healthy, and I remember those days being 200% easier when it came to working towards a brighter future.

I'm not perfect when it comes to spending my time, and I do need to push myself more, but the more important thing is for me to beat this addiction once and for all. That is my main goal as of now, and everything else has to take a backseat, because the worst thing I can do is start blaming external factors for why I feel shitty, when in reality, I feel shitty because my brain is faulty and little bit broken.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 02, 2020, 10:40:10 AM
This deserves a seperate post: I just finished meditating, and it was pretty damn nice. I want to start doing it daily again.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 04, 2020, 04:27:52 PM
Feeling terrible this afternoon. Definitely kindled this addiction into a bona fide monster.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: blueicetea10 on May 05, 2020, 05:14:39 AM
Hope you a good day  :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 05, 2020, 12:43:09 PM
Another day of shit
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 06, 2020, 09:45:55 AM
Still haven't gotten a single true day off in about 50 days. Every day for the past ~2 months has been anywhere from tough to extremely, extremely difficult. I need a fucking break from these symptoms man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 06, 2020, 11:24:09 AM
Hey Zander, sucks to hear that you're having a rough time. However, good times are coming. Trust and believe. Keep on fighting the good fight man. Rooting for you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 07, 2020, 02:09:46 AM
Hey Zander, sucks to hear that you're having a rough time. However, good times are coming. Trust and believe. Keep on fighting the good fight man. Rooting for you.

@anon  Thank you my friend. I wish you well on your new journey, you know that it's up to you to figure out what went wrong and how you need to fix it. I'm not here to give anyone advice, because the alchemist's formula for success lies in your own personal laboratory. Know one can create the concoction for you. I'm just here to support you, because you've done an excellent job of supporting me. All of you have. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.


Boys, It's 3am and I'm still not asleep. My brain isn't letting me go to bed. I'm afraid that the withdrawal symptoms have begun to aggravate my bipolar symptoms, and the topsy turviness of the withdrawal bar graph has triggered some sort of hypomania. This has happened to me before, but this time is a bit scarier. My last reboot was terrible because the withdrawals would keep me up to 5 in the morning on some occasions, and I'm fucking terrified of that cycle repeating.

Regardless, all I can do is roll with the punches and suffer as gracefully as I can. This is a messy process, but it's something that I can no longer avoid. The pain has to happen. I need to walk through that fiery tunnel. This is a battle for my life, so I need to conjure the strength of an angel.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 07, 2020, 08:24:01 PM
Had sex today. I told my girl that we need to take a break from seeing each other because I'm too far along to jeopardize the recovery. She understood. Glad I finally made a concrete decision.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 09, 2020, 01:07:33 PM
Another day another dollar. Not much else to say on my end. Still dealing with withdrawals. I need to stay patient and not set timelines or expect to be better by a certain date or after a certain amount of months. These next couple months are going to be trying as hell. But I need to remember to think about the math going on behind the scenes. What's a couple (or several, need to be realistic) months compared to the hopefully decent amount of good days I'll be enjoying from then on after. I CANNOT RUSH THIS PROCESS!!! I need to remember why I'm doing this, and the answer is "to save my own life". Fruitful living and porn addiction will never mesh together. They need to be separated, and one of them needs to get fucking vaporized forever.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on May 10, 2020, 12:52:52 AM
I am happy for you, that you made the decision to talk to her. I am sure you will feel better soon, when you stay away from sex for a while.

Keep on trucking.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 13, 2020, 03:33:27 PM
It's been very rough lately. Fuckin' hell man. I hate this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 15, 2020, 07:54:45 PM
Damn man this is tough. Doesn't feel like I'm improving sometimes.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on May 15, 2020, 09:42:08 PM

I've had days in the past where my mind was clear of the fog and my libido was close to healthy, and I remember those days being 200% easier when it came to working towards a brighter future.


Even if it sounds logically twisted, the fact that you feel worse after staying away from sex might be a "good" sign.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: quitforeverthenwin2 on May 16, 2020, 07:16:55 AM
Sorry to hear things are tough! Keep moving forward, the tough times always pass. You have the right perspective some tough days now in exchange for things being so much better in the future.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 16, 2020, 06:29:44 PM
It still hurts really fucking bad. The withdrawals have been fucking insane man, holy hell. They're taking me to the brink. The further I've gone along, the harder they've gotten.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 18, 2020, 12:37:16 PM
Had a bit of reprieve yesterday evening and have felt pretty decent this morning. The past couple days I was having legit urges to use porn, which was really fucking scary. We'll see if they come back. Hopefully, if they do, it won't be for a while.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 20, 2020, 01:11:16 PM
Just gotta keep rolling. Things are subtly improving. I’m getting closer everyday, though sometimes I don’t feel it. I need to remember why I’m doing this, always.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on May 21, 2020, 05:06:15 AM
You doing good man. You got this. Beat this shit once and for all.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 21, 2020, 12:00:07 PM
7 months today.

Felt like shit all of last night and all of today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 24, 2020, 06:40:05 PM
Would be lying if I said the past couple months have been easy or enjoyable. But I need to stick with the game plan and always remember why I’m doing this. I’m fighting for a life that has the capability to be filled with joy. That’s all there is. I’m fighting for a worthwhile existence. Nothing else needs to be said.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: J000123757 on May 24, 2020, 11:41:47 PM
Congratulations on the work you’ve done so far! Your one day at a time focus seems to be helping. There will be a day when the urges aren’t so bad. Keep going, your work is an encouragement for me.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on May 26, 2020, 04:56:42 PM
Hey zander I appreciate the bluntness with which you justify your reasons for quitting porn. The simple chance of having a worthwhile existence is underappreciated and undervalued in today's culture. I find myself constantly surrounded by opportunities to metaphorically opiate myself and merely live life for the purpose of experiencing as much pleasure as possible. But a worthwhile existence is far deeper than any of that. Thanks for your perspective.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: C39 on May 26, 2020, 06:38:09 PM
You already inspires me, I hope I can get as far as you are right now (and aim even further ofc)! Keep it up!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 26, 2020, 08:59:27 PM
Pain was severe today. Guys, learn from me, I beg you. Do not kindle your addiction! It makes the withdrawals extremely painful and debilitating. The depressions are unfathomably deep.

I’m here to remind myself, once again, that all this pain will not be for naught. I cannot fail. I need to be as vigilant as an angel. I’ve been meditating regularly and plan on continuing to do so. It’s the best way to hone my thought observation skills, which are paramount to success in this arena. Fuck man, I just gotta keep going. I need to break through.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on May 27, 2020, 12:09:29 PM
Hey zander, I'm feeling the same way today. Hope you're making it through alright.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on May 27, 2020, 02:26:41 PM
Hey Zander, just wanted to say that I've read through your entire journal as my start at rebootnation. I'm beyond words of how amazed I am with your determination and perseverance. Despite all the damage and hurt it's causing you keep pushing and moving forwards in this battle. It's truly inspirational! I'm convinced you'll beat this monster in your life, I'm rooting for you!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 28, 2020, 12:46:25 AM
Thanks Faenoe and Sanders. Means a whole lot to read that kind of stuff--all the little things help me immensely. Good luck to the both of you.

I had the strongest urge to relapse today. I started hooking up with my girl, and while doing so, I said that she had to leave before we went somewhere that I've vowed to never go again. So she left, and I was turned on, but not in a healthy kind of way. It was a compulsive, porny kind of arousal, and the urge to relapse was as strong as a fucking bull. I narrowly slipped by if I'm being honest. Luck, sadly, was most definitely involved.

Anyways, I told her that her and I are no longer allowed to spend time in my apartment together. I simply cannot jeopardize my recovery. I've been playing with fire for far too long, and I'm pretty freaked out by how close I was to relapsing. I need to renew my plan and think a little more strategically about this whole thing. My fuckin' life is on the line.

Sex and hooking up, for me, are off limits. My brain is so fucked up from this shit that it STILL can't discern between real women and porn. The disease is so deep in my brain that it sometimes feels as if it'll never come out. This journey has been so damn hard man. I can't even talk about it with people because they simply don't understand the levels of pain I've endured.

As I said before, I need to refocus. No more sexual stuff with my girl. It's the biggest trigger. It's the only thing that has created any kind of urge. Normally I just feel anxious and depressed, but hooking up with her turns that shit into yearnings for porn. It's insidious, this addiction. It's been trying to sneak past my defenses like a sly, backstabbing little fuck-face. Luckily, I caught it during its little flanking mission. I don't know how, but I did.

Good night my friends. Keep fightin' the good fight.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: jhonjordan on May 28, 2020, 06:20:57 AM
Hi Zander

I am on day 9 since my last relapse and reading your post really inspires me. I congratulate you on the effort and keep going!

Thank you!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anonfromfinance on May 28, 2020, 08:13:30 AM
Hey man, that's tough. I had a similar experience around 20-30 days into a reboot earlier this year when I hooked up with a random stranger hoping that it would be better than watching porn. Haha turns out, that was not one of the best decisions I made. I also vividly remember it not feeling anything like real sex, it just felt like a fucked up porno fantasy.

I'm glad you've decided to consciously avoid hooking up and sex. While sex can help, I believe that most of us know when it is the right time for ourselves. As long as you know this is not the time to be experimenting with that, that's great. Keep it up. I hope you do manage to make a speedy recovery and the days from here on out are easier for you.


It's been trying to sneak past my defenses like a sly, backstabbing little fuck-face. Luckily, I caught it during its little flanking mission.


Haha I just had to take a moment to appreciate how good this is.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on May 30, 2020, 10:53:02 PM
Had sex tonight. Disappointed in myself. Paying the price through the acquisition of brain fog, insecurity, and loneliness. I just need to get back on my feet as soon as I can. Shame doesn't accomplish anything.

I've been having some good days lately, which is very encouraging. Just need to keep going. Always moving forward.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 01, 2020, 10:55:06 AM
Had sex again this morning. Another mistake. Need to be vigilant about chaser effect. Not much else to say. Dumb to be making these kinds of mistakes this late in the game but alas, I am only human. But still, I need to take another break from the girl. I'm just alone all the time because of this pandemic so I fall back to hanging out with her, which often leads to sex.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 01, 2020, 09:21:07 PM
Paid for the sex I had. Today was rough man. Ready for a new day tomorrow.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 02, 2020, 04:14:17 PM
Today has been shitty. I didn't sleep much last night due to withdrawal symptoms and today is just a continuation of the shittiness I felt last night. Patterns have been changing so I can't guarantee anything, but I'd bet that tomorrow ends up being a little easier than today and yesterday. I just need to hold on to the edge of the cliff, even if I have to use my pinky fingers to grip the precipice. Wish me luck fellas.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 03, 2020, 05:39:04 PM
Today is worse than the last couple days. I'm in the thick of it right now. The pain seems to be cyclical, but that could just be me trying to make sense out of a senseless situation.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 05, 2020, 12:51:09 PM
This has been one of the hardest weeks of this reboot. The symptoms are seemingly never-ending. I haven't gotten a reprieve in a fucking while now, and it's been grinding me down both emotionally and physically. I've been sleeping like shit, and my dick is constantly shriveled.

I get MW, but it seems to be a small consolation. I'm, undoubtedly, in this for the long haul. Every small bit of hope is very much hard earned, and it usually withers away before I am able to properly savor it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 05, 2020, 08:21:45 PM
Gotta keep trucking my friends. A day will come when life will be so vivid I won't even know what to say.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on June 06, 2020, 10:59:04 AM
You're still doing well man, that day you mention is the reason to keep hope :) Life will be better, and you'll be able to enjoy it to the fullest!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 07, 2020, 01:23:04 PM
Withdrawals kept me up until 6am this morning. Today is worse than yesterday, or at least equal. I'm being tested. I cannot give in.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 07, 2020, 05:25:24 PM
Just got a blowjob--fuckin idiot.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 10, 2020, 12:26:58 AM
Been in a really deep trough. The last couple weeks have been very difficult. Not much good to report, sadly. Just going to keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: faenoe on June 10, 2020, 10:54:14 AM
We're here supporting you, zander. Keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 10, 2020, 01:45:23 PM
My hope reserves have never been so low. It's just day after day after day of anhedonia. I don't fucking enjoy anything. I have no motivation to do anything. It's not fucking fair. None of this shit is fair. I'm just sitting around wasting my fucking life.

I'm running out of hope. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. There's no action I can take other than wait around. I feel as if I'm being tortured.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on June 10, 2020, 02:40:38 PM
Hey Zander,

I'm really sorry to hear how tough everything is. All the shit around you can feel overwhelming and difficult to get a sense of where to go. Just remember your own words you wrote a couple days back :) The day will come, we're here rooting for you!

A day will come when life will be so vivid I won't even know what to say.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 11, 2020, 04:06:52 PM
More suffering today. No words. Anxiety is ridiculously high, fight or flight system is fucking broken.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: shostamin93 on June 11, 2020, 05:11:02 PM
More suffering today. No words. Anxiety is ridiculously high, fight or flight system is fucking broken.

dude, what are you doing to make yourself feel better? are you going out to run? listen to music? do something man, don't just let the shitty feelings consume you. Its gonna take a massive pair of balls but you gotta do it! FIGHT IT DAMMIT!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 12, 2020, 06:38:18 PM
Another tough day. Time is the ultimate healer when it comes to this addiction, and I plan on being patient enough to glide through the pain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 13, 2020, 06:32:03 PM
Today has been easier than the previous couple. Ready for that to change, but I'll do my best to enjoy it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 14, 2020, 04:53:26 PM
Just need to keep going. That's all I can do.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 17, 2020, 08:36:20 PM
Still roughin it out here. Almost 8 months into this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 19, 2020, 03:30:08 PM
If Frodo and Sam could do it, so can I.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: shostamin93 on June 19, 2020, 03:53:35 PM
fuck yeah you can do it bro, others guys have done it
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 20, 2020, 02:28:18 AM
Porn has plagued me for my entire adult life. I need to keep grinding, regardless of how bad I feel.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 23, 2020, 05:20:00 PM
Had sex 5 times over the past 3 days. Mistakes, but nothing terrible. I just need to keep moving forward. I'm fighting for my life. My addiction will ruin it if I let it. I'm doing this to have a shot at finding true happiness. Porn and joy don't go together. I'm past 8 months clean, and I don't plan on stopping.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: shostamin93 on June 23, 2020, 05:43:08 PM
do you have problems like PIED? or is it only porn addiction without any physical issues ?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 23, 2020, 07:25:39 PM
do you have problems like PIED? or is it only porn addiction without any physical issues ?

I used to have PIED, but not much anymore.

My dick and balls are shriveled consistently throughout the day though. My sleep is disturbed, my digestion is fucked, my fight or flight is wonky, and I'm often fatigued, which are all physical symptoms in my eyes.

The mental shit is the worst though.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 24, 2020, 06:16:03 PM
My girl came over to get her food from my place and we ended up hooking up. I'm kinda pissed, because she knows that I'm trying to limit my sex and she hung around and cuddled with me anyways. It's not all on her, but I'm still upset. I'm thinking about ending things with her permanently. No relationship is more important than my abstinence from porn, and that's a fact.

The chaser effect will always be a monster that needs eyes on it, so I'm going to maintain solid vigilance and avoid any harmful situations. I need to remain open and communicative.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 27, 2020, 03:42:28 PM
My sleep has been atrocious lately. The withdrawals just don't allow me to fall asleep.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 01, 2020, 12:56:35 AM
Still trucking. No slip ups or anything over these past 8+ months. Need to stay humble and be aware that a mistake can happen at any time. Vigilance will be my savior.  I can fail at any moment.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 06, 2020, 03:22:34 AM
PAWs is tough, no doubt about it. Focusing my energy on beating this thing one day at a time.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: kierv on July 06, 2020, 07:34:43 AM
Your result is impressive. 8 months, wow. Forgive me, but your journal is really long and full of information, so could you write more about your way in a short form? I mean, from what I see you can have sex and you don't havie PIED (when did you recover), but you generally feel bad? How was the progress and particulat stages?

It would be helpful for me to understand your situation and start to follow it :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on July 06, 2020, 10:50:41 AM
Hey Zander, still hanging in there I see! How's it going? I hope you can get some better sleep, that really is something that makes everything much more difficult. Stay strong!

Kierv, I'd advice you to read the whole journal. It's given me at least a lot to think about and gave me some pretty good lessons. All the credits to Zander of course, he's been through hell and he's still holding on!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 08, 2020, 05:47:57 AM
Hey Zander, still hanging in there I see! How's it going? I hope you can get some better sleep, that really is something that makes everything much more difficult. Stay strong!

Kierv, I'd advice you to read the whole journal. It's given me at least a lot to think about and gave me some pretty good lessons. All the credits to Zander of course, he's been through hell and he's still holding on!


Thanks man, that's very kind of you to say. Makes me feel good inside.

I had MW this morning that lasted ~2 minutes. Definitely a record for me. Still have a long, long way to go I think, but tangible proof of healing is exactly what I needed.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 11, 2020, 09:08:22 AM
Had some more sex over the past couple days. Not bragging at all, because in truth I'm not happy that I did. I'm disappointed in myself because it makes the day that much harder. I'm a fucking broken record with this shit and it's getting me down. I feel trapped man. These PAWs just put me in a cage. Alas, all I can do is keep moving forward. Normality will hit at some point--I just need to stay vigilant.

I need to keep on my toes when it comes to the chaser effect. I will not lose this battle because of these poor decisions. It'd be too demoralizing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 12, 2020, 03:18:57 PM
Sleep has been much better, which is a huge relief.

My days have formed into a sort of a pattern over the last week: mornings my mood is relatively decent--I'm functional, anxiety isn't terrible, body feels relatively normal. Late morning/early afternoon things start to get tougher, and the pain kind of climbs as the night progresses until it's time to go to bed at around 8-10pm. We'll see how long this lasts.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 14, 2020, 03:58:35 PM
Things have been easier the lately. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on July 15, 2020, 09:54:59 AM
Hopefully it's a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel :) Happy to hear things are looking up. May they continue to improve!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 16, 2020, 09:59:06 AM
Thinking about trying magic mushrooms to see how they affect my withdrawals. Ready for a change.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 17, 2020, 07:44:27 PM
Past two days have been fucking brutal.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: AStansfield on July 18, 2020, 12:49:00 AM
Thinking about trying magic mushrooms to see how they affect my withdrawals. Ready for a change.

I'm an experienced psychonaut. If you have any questions feel free to DM me!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 20, 2020, 05:28:31 PM
I've been getting hammered by symptoms
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 21, 2020, 09:24:58 AM
9 months. Symptoms got easier as the night went on yesterday, and this morning was one of the better mornings I've had in a while. I really, really needed it. I actually can't even express in words how much I needed a reprieve.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 22, 2020, 11:02:39 AM
Once again getting dropkicked by the symptoms.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 24, 2020, 09:08:29 PM
Ride the dragon. Sit it in the saddle. No matter what, if we want to get to the kingdom where all the gold and hot chicks are at, we're gunna have to make the trip at some point. Not gunna put that shit off, even though riding a dragon is fucking painful.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 26, 2020, 11:44:15 AM
Still enduring a lot of various types of pain throughout the day. These symptoms make it very difficult to enjoy life. But I need to remember that they won't be here for all of eternity, and that I just need to keep getting up everyday.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 26, 2020, 06:15:27 PM
Today as has been tough. Fucking hell
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 27, 2020, 09:49:07 AM
What's weird is that I had the longest MW of my life this morning (at least 5-10mins), yet I feel super depressed upon waking up. I'll never understand what's going on within the confines of my brain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 30, 2020, 06:33:09 PM
Hurting pretty bad right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on July 31, 2020, 01:15:09 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope it gets better for you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 31, 2020, 03:57:27 PM
So bad last night I felt like puking, and today fucking blows too. I'm gettin' worn thin.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on August 01, 2020, 06:25:16 AM
Try to think about the good times...and things you're grateful for even simple things. A grateful heart is the antidote for feelings of depression and pain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 03, 2020, 02:00:56 PM
Both the severity and relentlessness of my PAWs symptoms are blowing my mind.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 03, 2020, 07:38:32 PM
This was the first or second most brutal week of my life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 05, 2020, 02:03:11 PM
Still gettin' wrecked
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 06, 2020, 03:19:16 PM
I'm still in the heart of the storm
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 07, 2020, 11:54:19 AM
This current storm I'm in has me experiencing a lot of urges. I'm very susceptible at this point, and I need to make sure that I don't slip into ANY addictive-type behavior. I'm going to focus only on things that are devoid of sex. I just gotta survive man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 08, 2020, 02:32:49 PM
Everything is still very difficult. Mostly experiencing negative emotions. Headaches. Pain. Ready for better days.

Going to start taking some heavier duty meds for the time being. I just need to get through this difficult stretch.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 09, 2020, 07:45:32 AM
Had the most vivid dream of this reboot last night, followed by strong, lengthy MW. Progress is being made, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 09, 2020, 07:33:17 PM
Rest of my day was fuckin dreadful. Still in the storm.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on August 10, 2020, 05:16:19 AM
Stay strong Zander, things would get better.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 10, 2020, 07:30:09 PM
Thanks Chris.

Got smacked around all afternoon/evening. I'm talking straight up pain.

As always, ready for easier times.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 11, 2020, 04:07:35 PM
Morning wood,followed by another shit day mentally. Just going to keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 12, 2020, 04:48:16 PM
Today actually wasn't bad.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 13, 2020, 09:18:05 AM
Recently I've been too worried about how I've been coming off to other people when I write in this journal, and I need to check myself on that behavior, because that's not what this is about. This is about expressing myself, no matter what that entails. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to return to authentic expression.

To begin, I had sex last night and I'm fucking mad at myself. I still experience after effects from intercourse, one of them being the chaser effect. I also feel insecure, compulsive, and other shitty emotions/thoughts. The addiction, quite obviously, still flows through my veins. Sex still feels like an unhealthy act, which is telling me that the wires are still crossed, and my brain still has a hard time deciphering the difference between PMO and sex. It still mixes them up.

I'm not going to crucify myself over this mistake, but I do want to process the guilt that I'm experiencing. I've had this issue before, but our relationship is coming to a natural conclusion seeing as how she's moving to England and I'm moving to NYC. So all I have to do is survive the next couple of weeks because my lease ends on the 30th of August. But please, Mr. Zander, I beg of you, don't engage in any more sexual stuff with her. It's just not worth it, and I fucking hate being insecure. I'm not an insecure person. I don't deserve to be. And the chaser effect is no fucking joke.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: hopeful2 on August 13, 2020, 03:22:22 PM
Hey Zander,

Sounds tough. And those feelings are real, you are doing the right thing by processing them.

Just take a day, go out by yourself to a park somehwere and just think it out even better find a friend to just speak about how you feel. You have to find a healthy way to process this. Trust me, I am exactly the same (though no sex for me). But I have a friend who I know I can say anything to, heck I told her I have feelings for her (don't ask its a weird friendship.)

Your story is a great one, and I look forward to seeing a satisfactory end.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on August 16, 2020, 02:42:05 AM
Hey Zander, I'm sorry about how you feel about the sex ad being insecure from it. I think it has to do with who you're having it with and what that person means to you. Bring open isn't easy at all but being open to the right person can be rewarding.

On the other hand,if it was purely just about the no sex for your recovery, then... Just get over it. At least it was from the naturally preferred option channelled to dopamine not from eyeballing at other people fucking themselves through the screen and getting a high from it; now that's the really fucked up to&t in contrast. So just go get back up and analyze what happened and move on with the recovery. If you have to explain to the other why you don't want to have sex or put in blockers in your life to help you refrain from it for the time being...then do so.

Also what @Hopeful said is also helpful. Finding someone else to talk too or someplace to think about things us also a great way to work through it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 16, 2020, 04:56:03 PM
Nearing 10 months of no PMO. Still have a long way to go, but 10 months sounds pretty good. As I go further and further into this reboot, the goal only continues to grow. I want to get to the one year mark, and then two, and then three, and then I don't want to count anything at all, because I'll have put all this horse shit behind me.

I love the fact that I'm not a band wagon-er, or a follower, or a kool-aid sipper. I think for myself, and relish in my ability to accomplish things without having to sacrifice my individuality. Authenticity is the way to go. I couldn't imagine being any other way.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 19, 2020, 05:20:49 PM
300 days.

I feel terrible today. Seems like things are going to continue to get worse before they get better. Since month 5 or so, every month has been tougher than the last. I feel lost, but all I can do is keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on August 20, 2020, 12:43:13 AM
300 days is awesome. Look how far you've come!

I thought by day 300, these feelings of wanting to PMO would have subsided completely. But it seems it's still there. What's your reboot about again?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 23, 2020, 12:40:04 PM
The past couple days have been easier, though I'm still experiencing symptoms. Brain fog, I fear, is going to be a presence in my life for a long time.

The depression is the symptom that I, obviously, despise the most, and if the severity of it continues to lessen as it has the past three days, then I'll be one happy camper.

As I've said before, I kindled my addiction by abstaining for long periods and then ending each period of abstinence with binge sessions filled with hours and hours of edging to very, very racy material. It was all about cranking those dopamine levels up as high as they could go, for as long as I could muster. All of the individual factors that go into a porn session are akin to a series of dials and knobs that we can use to alter the amount of dopamine we release. Check out Gary Wilson if anyone would like to learn more.

Because I kindled my addiction, I now suffer from PAWs, or post acute withdrawals, They can last anywhere from 6 months to 2-ish years, and they blow. So that's what I'm dealing with on a day by day basis, and that's why I'm still here despite having over 300 days clean. I think I still have a ways to go, but I pray that the worst of it is behind me. Who knows, this stuff is so fucking ethereal.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on August 23, 2020, 05:52:50 PM
300 days, you're a beast. Stay strong!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 25, 2020, 04:16:48 PM
The pain is so bad today I don't even feel like I'm part of this world.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on August 26, 2020, 02:00:55 PM
Impressive progress, the small recap from your post on the 23rd is a good insight in what's happening for you. Is it physical, mental pain or both that you're describing? It just sounds like you're going through hell on a daily basis. It's beyond impressive that you're still keeping this up, I really hope the shit and pain will get less.

All the best :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 27, 2020, 04:48:40 PM
Thanks Supra and Sanders.

I'm so fucking angry today and i have nowhere to direct my anger towards. Porn has taken so much from me. Every day fucking blows, for the most part. I haven't had an actual good day in months. It goes from shit to fuckin' shit. That's the spectrum I experience.

I hate this stuff so much, it's just amazing that PMO addiction has these kinds of withdrawals. I mean, what the flying fuck? Who would've thought?

Porn is one of the many banes of society, and I think it's going to be ignored for far longer than it should. People are just too scared of talking about something so embarrassing. And the taboo nature of it makes it that much more potent, because this addiction loves nothing more than to sit, unnoticed, in the dark. That's where it grows best.

Fetishes are only going to continue to escalate, and society's sexual identity is going to further deteriorate. The power of our reward systems is too strong for any single person to stop this tidal wave.

All I can do, sadly, is keep moving forward. I hate the lens in which I currently experience life, because it makes everything shitty, but I need to keep believing that I'll, one day, get better.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on August 27, 2020, 05:50:40 PM
Keep going zander, the best is yet to come  :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 28, 2020, 05:37:38 PM
Thanks Supra.

Things continue to be difficult. Today was rough. Not much change in the pattern for a while. This is a battle for the ages.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 31, 2020, 11:06:27 AM
Yesterday was a bit of a reprieve, and it seems like today will be one as well. They have been sorely, sorely needed. The last 2 months have been, quite honestly, devastating. Especially the last three or so weeks. Every fucking day.

I still have symptoms on my "reprieve" days, and I'm still nowhere near as happy, clear-minded, optimistic, and in-tune with the world as I know I can be, but at least I'm not cripplingly depressed and fatigued. I can actually focus on tasks.

I haven't really had much morning wood as of late, but I had a little bit this morning. It was a weak erection, and it didn't last very long, but that just goes to show that recovery isn't linear.

I see my reboot as a tree that's been cut down at the lower trunk, with its rings exposed. And the rings are the layers of my recovery. I started on the outside, and am slowly working my way in. Each time I've relapsed, I've expanded the diameter of the tree, so it's taken a lot longer to get towards the center.

Anyways, the rings are little pockets of my subconscious that I've used porn to ignore. They're a mixxture of memories, emotions, moods, and everything in between. And in between the rings is solid wood. Oak, if you will. And the oak is the porn use. Edging, mostly.

The interesting thing about all this, and the reason I use the tree ring analogy, is that each section of wood in between the rings is different than the last. One section, I'll get hit by the worst symptoms at very distinct parts of the day. Say 1 pm, and then 6pm, etc. etc. And each iteration needs to be worked through until that phase has been dealt with. Symptoms can vary by day, and I believe it's because my brain is erasing all of the issues that go laong with this addiction. Anxiety, depression, fucked up fight or flight responses, digestion. Since this addiction is so inherently linked with our sexual underpinnings as humans, it affects our bodies in an extreme way. At least for me. And my brain is slowly working through all of the damage, piece by piece.

Anyways, I like to believe that I'm approaching the center of my tree, but I'm not married to the idea, because I can't set myself up for a letdown. Perhaps I have more iterations after the one I've been working through (which has a lot of the pain occurring at night, say from 9pm until 3am, with a little sprinkled in the mornings), which would suck, but it's just something I'll have to endure if I wish to get to the other side of all this.

To finish, I just want to put a little PSA out there. If you're feeling bad, struggling, suffering from withdrawals, be honest about it on this forum. Don't go out of your way to paint some rosy picture of what's going on in your life. Don't compare yourself to others and try and keep up with the Joneses. Fuck that shit. If you're hurting, then you're hurting. Lying to ourselves is one of the main reasons that we fail, and I believe that beating this addiction is directly in line with being honest with ourselves and others. It's okay to be in a rough spot in life. Just wait it out. Everything will pass if you have patience.

Anyways, enough lecturing. So long for now. There is hope.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 31, 2020, 03:06:43 PM
Another PSA: Be mindful of anhedonia. Be aware of yourself and your brain. If you're experiencing it at any given time, then don't blame life's circumstances for your unhappiness. Sometimes it's just our brains that are fucking with our ability to feel pleasure, and time is the only answer to get through it. Anhedonia is, without question, my least favorite symptom of this addiction. Life is just so fucking boring when I'm experiencing it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 31, 2020, 03:59:07 PM
Funny how this shit works. I'm slowly descending back into hell as we speak. The withdrawals are coming back. Fucking shit man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on August 31, 2020, 11:15:40 PM
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 01, 2020, 05:09:04 PM
Supra: Truer words have never been spoken.

Having a serious urge right now--it's one of the strongest I've experienced so far in this reboot. I texted my girl and told my Mom, and I went and lifted a couple weights to keep my mind occupied. But I'm still feeling it pretty hard, so I'm going to play some video games to keep my mind further occupied. Sometimes it's just about surviving the onslaught, and it doesn't have to be some storybook moment. I just need to ride this fuckin wave.

I think I'm going to start meditating again because I want to make sure my mind is at its strongest. I read, on a different site, a forum post where the guy stated that as he got closer to the end of his journey urges began to return since his libido was kicking in. I don't know if that's what is going on at the moment, but I need to get my mind strong if urges do start pouring in.

Though I'm scared of this urge and am worried about what the future holds in the temptation department, a part of me is glad that something new is occurring. I'm getting tired of the same old patterns. In my eyes, any change is welcome.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 02, 2020, 04:13:05 PM
Today has been terrible. Also--still feeling urges.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on September 02, 2020, 05:51:24 PM
I hope the urges are from your reawakening libido.

The night is darkest before the dawn
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 03, 2020, 10:46:27 AM
I hope the urges are from your reawakening libido.

The night is darkest before the dawn

Thanks for the support my friend.


Today, I feel super susceptible to relapse. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling that I'm vulnerable. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, because withdrawals kept me up all night and I'm going to try and get a little more sleep, but after I get up for good I'm going to construct a concrete plan on how to avoid giving in to the evil afoot.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on September 03, 2020, 05:41:46 PM
Exercise, meditation, you know the drill.

You spoke before in your posts about creativity. Are you still writing?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 04, 2020, 12:29:55 PM
Exercise, meditation, you know the drill.

You spoke before in your posts about creativity. Are you still writing?

Nah man not yet. I’ve tried writing while in the midst of withdrawals and all it did was disappoint me and rock my confidence. The same mechanism that allows me to enjoy myself whilst reading fiction is the same tool that enables me to make shit up and put it on paper, and, for now, I’m still not there yet. I trust that I’ll know when it’s time to start creating again, and I’m guessing that moment will come when I start experiencing a full range of emotions. I’m a feeler, 100%.


As far as my progress goes, I may have turned a corner. I don’t want to get excited too soon, but I’ve been feeling relatively better the last few days (2). I still have brain fog, anxiety, trouble sleeping, shrunken junk, digestive issues, and a litany of other bothersome symptoms, but at least I’m experiencing a tinge of optimism. It may come crashing down soon, but I’m glad that I’ve gotten a nice break. If only my sleeping were better and I felt more rested than I do, but I guess I can’t have it all at once, until the day comes when I can. Won’t that be fucking fantastic.

Once my libido returns I’ll know that I’m close to the end. Natural magnetism to women will be the final straw. I can just feel it.

My story just goes to show that there’s hope, even for the hard cases. I’m 10.5 months into this thing.

The final thing I want to say is that I can never get complacent, or celebrate anything peremptorily. I still have a ways to go, and I’ve been experiencing urges, which is a new phenomenon relative to the past several months. I really need to stay on my toes and keep my mind strong. In fact, I’m going to meditate right now. I’d say it takes about a week or so to get back into old habits.

God speed to everyone.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on September 06, 2020, 06:07:58 PM
That is very interesting and very promising.

Keep us posted and remember that progress is not linear – a bad day does not mean you aren't close to achieving your goal.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 06, 2020, 08:26:45 PM
Fucking shit withdrawals tonight. Gunna have to go back into the storm again.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 07, 2020, 08:48:05 PM
The withdrawals have been keeping me up past 3am every night, and they've been fuckin brutal.

I had a good little run there where my symptoms weren't so bad, but now I'm right back into the shit. A part of me is scared by how long this recovery is going to take. It seems like I've stalled out. All I get is a measly couple of days before I'm back into the harshest pain of my life. It's hard to be positive right now. Especially when all I want to do is sleep. I'm tired of staying up into the night, by myself, feeling like the lowest form of a human I can imagine.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on September 09, 2020, 06:41:45 PM
Have you had any rewiring experiences zander?

That taste of positivity makes the darkness harder to fall back into, but I hope its a sign of more to come.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 11, 2020, 07:01:36 PM
@supra yeah, I've had a decent amount of sex throughout this reboot. It would give me a hangover feeling that would last anywhere from 1-3 days. The hangover time lessened as I progressed further along. I used to get chaser effects a day after, but I noticed, in the last couple months, that the chaser didn't really hit me.

I don't know how the sex affected my reboot as a whole, and I guess I'll never know. My girl has moved to England for school and a giant ocean is now between us, so I'll be sex free for the foreseeable future.

The last five or so days I've been having trouble sleeping. The withdrawals have once again made their way into the night, and I simply cannot sleep while they are active. I'm just going to roll with the punches, as always.

I don't really know where I'm at in this whole process. Sometimes I think that I have turned a corner, and other times, like today, I think that I still have a ways to go. I will say, with some confidence, that the progress I've made is tangible. I'm noticing that some of my symptoms have improved, and that their duration seems to be shorter. But as I write that, I remember a couple occasions in the not so distant past where I was in a severe pain for periods longer than ever before. So, as always, who the fuck really knows. Things are changing, that's the only statement I can make with my hand on a Bible.

I'm scared of optimism because the fall is harder when the cliff is higher. I refuse to let my guard down at any point, and I continue to make abstinence my number one priority. I'd rather be fruitless for another year than to spend the rest of life operating at 30% capacity. Relapse is not an option.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 12, 2020, 03:57:56 PM
Yesterday and last night were fucking horrendous. The withdrawals kept me up until 6am, and almost every second of that time was painful, to varying degrees. Fuckin' shit man, just when I got a teaspoon of optimism. I fear today and tonight will be more of the same. How fucking long is this process going to take? I'm so fucking sick of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 13, 2020, 04:38:22 PM
Still kinda shitty.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: PIEDPiperThrowaway on September 13, 2020, 07:51:57 PM
Stay strong bro, sounds like these urges could be a good indication of a re-emerging libido. When you feel the urge, know you are on your way out. Every time you don't give in you're one step closer. I'm excited for what lies ahead for you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 13, 2020, 08:11:43 PM
Stay strong bro, sounds like these urges could be a good indication of a re-emerging libido. When you feel the urge, know you are on your way out. Every time you don't give in you're one step closer. I'm excited for what lies ahead for you.

Geeze man, thank you. I read your story earlier--seems like you have the right idea. Also, I do believe that everyone has a chance to recover. I don't know how long it takes for the modern man (since we've been exposed to this poison so early), but I do think that there is a way out for everyone. Some folks, in my eyes, might need some rewiring towards the end, but I may even be wrong about that. Once our brains finally realize that we're no longer using porn as a sexual outlet, it will be forced to reconcile with that fact and seek more primal wiring. At least that's my hope.

Thanks again. This helped me out a great deal. I've been feeling very lonely lately. I'm no longer in the same town as my girlfriend and it's been tough. So thanks, my friend.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: PIEDPiperThrowaway on September 13, 2020, 09:15:00 PM
Sorry to hear about the long distance, but much respect having a gf while rebooting. I can't imagine talking to a girl again for a long while. Does that mean you've been able to successfully have sex?

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 14, 2020, 10:09:58 PM
@PIED yeah I have. PIED isn't really my issue anymore. The mental stuff is what get's me.

Speaking of which, I've been in a pretty deep depression all day today, and I'd venture to say that it's gotten even worse as the day/night has gone on. I knew, as soon as I woke up, that something was off. Sadly, this has me now questioning the state of my mental health, and wondering where my addiction ends and my mental illness begins. I have the right medication and I know that it keeps me out of the darkest places, but as a human, I really want to uncover the truth behind all of the pain. How much of my depression is being caused by this horse shit addiction? How much of it is innate? Just another reason for me wanting to end this battle for good. Another thing that I get to look forward to, though I'm very, very scared that my mental illness is the main culprit. Knowing that I'm going to be dependent upon a medication for the rest of my life is a tough thing to accept. Most people who've gone through this process will understand that statement. It's this weird thing where I just want to use my factory settings, and don't want to have to rely on something else to keep me afloat. Because that brings up questions like "what if it stops working?". I also don't like the idea of having to deal with the side effects.

In the end, I'll take whatever meds I need to take. But I don't want to give up hope that this addiction has gotten so bad that it has the power to lower my moods this tremendously. There is no doubt in my mind that after every binge relapse I've had over the past 4-5 years, the state of my addiction has gotten worse. And, the funny thing is, the length between the binges is what made it all the worse. Kindling, they call it. Fucking shit man, you'd think I'd get rewarded for all of my near-successes. But no, they were actually more detrimental to my overall recovery than if I had continued to watch porn everyday. God damn, just goes to show how twisted all of this is from a moral standpoint. There's no participation trophies for the half-successes. In fact, you get punched in the jaw if you have a "decent streak". At least that's what happened to me.

This is a pivotal moment in my life. I think I'm going to discover a lot of things about myself, including what my "factory settings" are in the next 6 or so months. I've never really known what it's like to be acquainted with who I really am, especially as an adult, so it'll be quite revealing. I hope I'm not as broken as I feel right now. I just want to wake up in the morning and feel excited for the day. That's happened to me once during this whole reboot, and I was so fucking overjoyed I can't even tell you. It must've been 2-3 months ago, but damn was it magical. I don't know if it was some sort of fluke, or what have you, but I yearn, so fucking badly, to feel that pure elation again. I've been living in such hell for the past 5 years that I forgot what it's like to wake up and feel joy.

I really, really want a chance at happiness again. It's all I've got, in fact. The hope. The hope that I can change my brain.

I'm really scared right now, but I'm going to keep moving forward. One of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever received came in the form of a line of text in a book: "This too, shall pass." Everything does. We all will. But I want to have some fucking fun before I go for good. I think I fuckin' deserve it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on September 15, 2020, 08:10:58 AM
Yeah, you do man....keep digging, keep fighting
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: hopeful2 on September 15, 2020, 04:45:43 PM
Hey Zander, can't imagine what you are going through. But from where I'm sitting you seem like you have crazy will power. Its beyond Impressive. I wish you the best. Keep fighting the good fight.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 17, 2020, 05:59:37 AM
Hey Zander, can't imagine what you are going through. But from where I'm sitting you seem like you have crazy will power. Its beyond Impressive. I wish you the best. Keep fighting the good fight.

Thanks man. Means a lot. Good luck to you too!


The withdrawals have been keeping me up until about 7 in the morning for the past three nights and I'm starting to go a little nuts. I've been playing Call of Duty to pass the time and I just got so angry at some random dude online--like I lost my shit, and we argued for a solid twenty minutes in a way that only anonymous gamers can. And now I feel the lingering anger, and shame. Sounds like a small thing but I'm really upset at myself for stooping so low. The guy wasn't worth it, and I completely lowered my standards and forgot who I was. I'm also thinking of the whole HALT acronym (Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired). I need to watch out for the addiction, it may try and ooze through the cracks caused by my rage.

It (the argument) also made me realize how politically charged this country is. People are just honing in on what side of the dotted line you're on and then, within a split second, deciding whether or not you're a person of value. It really scares me how divided we are. But I don't think this forum should be about politics, so I'll just leave it at that.

Anyways, hopefully my brain will let me fall asleep soon, because I'm ready for a restart. This whole staying up all night business is quite lonely these days, especially when I don't have my girlfriend to talk to during the day. I'm a very odd person when it comes to my personality, and I have found that I can only open up, truly, to a very few individuals, and she was one of them. She also has issues with mental health, making her one of the people in this world who doesn't have to use his or her imagination to empathize with mental health stuff. She knows it all first hand.

I'm glad I decided to express myself at this moment. It's good to just shake out the garbage can.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 19, 2020, 07:31:52 PM
The last 2or 3 days have been really tough. Feels like I haven't made a single day's worth of progress. Fuck this sucks.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 21, 2020, 08:43:38 PM
Symptoms still keeping me to the wee hours of the morning. A lot of fatigue, brain fog, lack of motivation. Anxiety spikes at random times, etc. etc. This is going to take a long time.

Been very alone lately, but it's just a temporary state. I know a healthy me enjoys human contact, so I'm not going to panic. Half of the battle is choosing not to react to shitty circumstances--a lesson hard-learned. We were taught, whilst growing up, so many things that just aren't true.

I'm not happy with my current situation, but I need to stay grounded. But fuck does this blow. Days upon days of nothingness.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 23, 2020, 03:51:13 PM
WD's have been so bad the past 24 hours that I feel sickly.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 24, 2020, 01:24:47 AM
I hit 11 months yesterday.

Still hurtin' pretty bad. The last 3 days have been a blur, and not in a good way. Not much else to say. This shit hurts.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 25, 2020, 03:55:16 AM
Still in the blur. Time is moving at a weird pace. Not much enjoyment to be had. Just need to keep moving forward. And I need to be extra vigilant, because I'm full of urges these days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 26, 2020, 04:35:22 AM
I swear I'm in the Twilight Zone. Still having a rough time.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 26, 2020, 08:39:09 AM
Through therapy, I was able to realize how much my parents suck dick, but I was reminded this morning that nothing has changed, even though I have done my best to. I really cannot stand speaking with them for more than five minutes, for they make me feel so small and insignificant.

I miss talking with my gf because it finally felt like I had an ally--someone who understood me and who trusted the things I had to say. It's important to have people in my life who see the good in me.

This, in the past, would have been a trigger for me, but I think the knowledge of that fact will save me this time. Regardless, I need to minimize th amount of contact I have with my parents, and firmly establish some boundaries.

To think I just stopped in for a cup of coffee. Fuck man, I'm so glad I was able to learn how detrimental my parents are to my mental health and overall well-being.

Edit: I'm also just getting fucking ripped apart by these withdrawals today. It's a shit day today, and saying otherwise wouldn't be authentic expression.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 26, 2020, 11:07:39 AM
Today is fucking horrible. When is this going to end?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: PIEDPiperThrowaway on September 26, 2020, 11:50:14 AM
Hey man, just wanted to say you've got some serious will-power and spirit. Sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than the effects of porn. Glad you're working through shit in therapy it seems like you're getting a clear idea of what's messing with you.

The withdrawals/urges you've described sound horrible... especially nearly a year into this journey. I can't imagine it as I haven't experienced such visceral symptoms of reboot. Anyway i'm certain you're close winning this shit. Keep at it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 27, 2020, 03:09:02 AM
Hey man, just wanted to say you've got some serious will-power and spirit. Sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than the effects of porn. Glad you're working through shit in therapy it seems like you're getting a clear idea of what's messing with you.

The withdrawals/urges you've described sound horrible... especially nearly a year into this journey. I can't imagine it as I haven't experienced such visceral symptoms of reboot. Anyway i'm certain you're close winning this shit. Keep at it.
'

Thanks for your support man. Means a lot.


yesterday was top 3 worst days of the reboot, if not the worst. It was borderline traumatic. And the way I've woken up this morning has me fearing more of the same. I'm scared. This iteration of the journey has been the most difficult, which is a prospect that is hard for me to fathom. It's just been so fucking hard the past several months. The mountain only get's taller as time progresses. Symptoms haven't gotten easier--they've gotten harder. But I'm going to continue to move forward, even though my hope reserves are quite low. This shit can really wear a guy down.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on September 29, 2020, 08:27:58 AM
Urges aplenty. Need to stay vigilant. I've gone too far to eff this up.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 01, 2020, 11:16:04 AM
Junk is super, super shriveled today and my brain feels tight. No fun. Need to stay alert.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 02, 2020, 03:21:06 PM
Another shit day
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 03, 2020, 10:41:06 AM
Dude my junk has been so fucking shriveled the past 3 days
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 03, 2020, 09:40:45 PM
Things have been really tough lately. Like really, really tough. This process can be very lonely. in fact, I'm lonely as all hell.

One positive I would like to express is that my perspective of the world has shifted drastically because of this whole debacle, and I like to think that I enjoy this version of myself more than the addicted one. Maybe, just maybe, I'll end up being grateful for this journey. But right now I still fucking hate it, and want it it to end. Desperately.

I'm almost 11.5 months into this thing, and I feel as if I still have a ways to go. Hopefully it won't take longer than 2 years. I'm really excited to explore the world without this porn disease infecting my brain and perspective. My whole adult life I've seen the world through porn-tinted glasses. It made life easier, in a way, but it dulled just about every sense I have. I'm learning how to live life in a new way, and it's pretty interesting. Devastating at times, but interesting nonetheless. I'm a very, very sensitivie person, and it shocks me sometimes how in tune I am with my surroundings. No wonder I used porn to self medicate--I was taught, at a young age, that sensitivity was something to hide. I was told, both consciously and subconsciously, to be ashamed of my sensitivity. So I nullified it with porn, and weed, and video games. What a waste. What a fuckin shame. We learn, as we grow older (I'm 29), that most adults aren't any more sensible than any given child. People are flawed, and nuanced, and carrying all sorts of baggage. Especially a generation who were raised in the era of American Psycho. Wall Street. Money is god, winnning is essential. It was all about the sell. The lie, really. Lying and putting on masks. They were even more stifled than we were.

It's too late to blame any particular person, for now it's my responsibility to get better. No one else has to live with my brain and soul except for me. I need to keep going strong, keep avoiding PMO, and make it to the finish line. Recently, I've been experiencing a lot of urges, and I've probably gotten closer to fucking up than ever before. Time to double down. Tomorrow, I'm going to make a concrete plan that will help me make it to the finish line. No more coasting. I can't use anhedonia as an excuse to not meditate, or make lists, or avoid any possible triggers. Youtube can be a death knell. Same with reddit. I gotta stop that shit. Video games seem to be the most benign diversion tactic. Seems backwards to rely on video games for my salvation, but I plan to nonetheless. They keep my mind occupied, and they help time pass when time seems to be a prickly demon that slowly slithers by. Fuck that shit.

Good night fellow inmates. Let's fucking break out of this prison. Corny as all hell, but sincerity has its place if it isn't overdone.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on October 04, 2020, 01:31:22 AM
11.5 months is really long. I don't know what your criteria for having recovering is, but you should be better about now if you're actually staying off porn.

But I want to add that you should try not to just look forward to letting time pass you and get you faster to recovery, but use the time to do something productive.

Yeah, you can play games but also make out times for other activities that you can build skills. The process is much more important than the destination.

I like the fact that this journey has helped you see the world differently, I know it has for me. So keep at it man. I hope you grow stronger and more vibrant, healthy and free of this menance.

Keep pushing
Chris
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 04, 2020, 08:04:01 AM
@Chris--You are incorrect. It can take up to 2-3 years for people who suffer from PAWs. In fact, there are people on this forum who are past the one year mark who still suffer from some symptoms. I advise you, my dear friend, to do as much research as you can on PMO addiction so you can have as detailed a painting of this vista as possible.

Video games help me get through symptoms. I know that they don't fit into a self-help book version of getting healthier, but they work for me. I don't care how dirty I have to be to win this race. I've been doing this long enough to know that the only true success, for me, is getting past this addiction. I'll have plenty of time after these PAWs to conquer my dreams. Unless I die today, which is always a possibility.

 I want to return to my passions with a full spectrum of emotions. I eat right, work out, meditate frequently, and cook/clean/etc. , but I don't try and push myself to do shit when I'm feeling low. It'll just breed more frustration. I'll know when it's time to begin the juicy stuff again.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on October 04, 2020, 10:24:31 AM
Hi, Zander, I want to ask what do you do for urge management? because I am terrible at dealing with urges and I rely really heavily on not being triggered. Unfortunately, I am also often triggered by boredom to use. What works for you?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 04, 2020, 11:04:06 AM
@k:  I wish I could tell you that I had some magical plan. I also wish I could tell you that a lot of failure wasn't involved. But that's exactly what it was. I failed a lot and slowly learned from mistakes. Avoid social media, avoid any racy movies. Period. I got a flip phone. I meditate. Self awareness is so fucking key. Meditation helps a shit ton with that. Watch your thoughts--learn yourself. Learn that everything is temporary.

A really, really big thing that has helped is learning to love myself. I stopped trying to be someone other than who I was. Like I said in my last post, I'm an artist type, and I was raised in a Midwestern cultural wasteland where sensitivity was seen as a feminine kind of weakness. Once I started leaning into my true self, I found that I had something to work towards. I wanted to become a writer, or something in that line of work, and so then I had a reason to become sober. This addiction stunts my creativity in a major way--it's hard to express emotions when you're not feeling any.

But as I said, on a day by day basis, I use a lot of avoidance. No social media. At all. And no sex in movies or TV. The first 14-30 days are the toughest when it comes to risk of relapse. You kind of just need to find a way through. Use a whatever-it-takes mentality. After the first month, relapses only occur because of a slackening in defenses. You need to realize that this will never go away, and that a fundamental shift in your habits is required. Sacrifices need to be made.

Don't masturbate. It's never done anything good for me. The wires are too crossed--it's just the other side of the coin. It'll lead to porn.

Last thing: the most important part, probably, is embracing the hard truth that your life will never be as good as it can be when porn is involved. You'll be a lesser version of yourself as long as it's there.

Good luck man.

Edit: I just re-read your question and realized I didn't answer part of it: boredom is interesting. I would examine what that word truly means to you. Is it loneliness? Or maybe you're feeling some withdrawal symptoms in the vein of anhedonia. It's a bitch--anhedonia. It makes life SEEM boring. Maybe that's what's going on. And if that's the case, then you just have to whether the boredom. It'll eventually alleviate itself on it's own. Patience is so fucking key. Life will get better with this addiction gone. I promise. Or at least I promise that to myself. The world will kind of open up, because we'll be more in tune with the world and our own selves. Passion will return and you'll go from scrambling to find an activity to having to pick one out of a bunch that sound interesting.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on October 04, 2020, 12:20:54 PM
Thanks for the recommendations. I really appreciate it. I never thought it could be anhedonia before, but that is likely a withdrawal symptom. P mostly numbs my emotions and dulls everything so that wouldn't surprise me.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on October 04, 2020, 04:40:38 PM
@sanders

Sorry if I misrepresented what I meant. I know I don't know everything about this menance called Porn addiction, but I do know about the recovery times taking more than a 3 months for some.

What I was trying to say or rather ask was about your own dilemma. I do connect these sort of experiences to people who unfortunately have desensitized themselves so much from excessive use and now have PIED. So I was trying to ask if that's your case, wanting to understand more about your journey and forum

But since you mentioned PAWs, I checked it out and saw it was similar to another word I had come across also which is the flatline. It's like having flatline symptoms for an excessive amount of time. (Everyday I'm learning something new about this stuff, that's what probably drove me to ask)

I've only experienced the flatline a couple of short periods during some of my recovery journeys. It's really awful. It's like the world just lost its colour and essence of hope and happiness. It's like being in a black and white movie. Thankfully I don't experience it much. My own case is much more of just getting rid of porn from my life- I was never really got that hardcore hooked on porn that way, but it left really negative effects on my life regardless.

Another reason for asking about it was wanting to know the criteria you are looking forward to seeing to say, yes I'm free and I've recovered from this. I know it takes different recovery times for people already but knowing the criteria to have recovered will out things in better perspective and help you watch out for them.

With the games. It's alright tondo whatever you need to to get past this addiction. Like I said earlier it's alright to play games. It's just excessive partaking in it can cause another addiction that is as worse as the one you're running from. I have experienced the effects first hand, I'm sure you have too. And we all know how fucked up game addiction can be to our lives. IT'SAS WORSE AS PORN  So that's what I was just trying to earn you about. That and the waiting for time to pass you by. I felt instead of thinking that way,you can use up some of that time to do something other than waiting to create something positive that you can look back on at the end of the recovery as a positive highlight of your journey.

But after reading your replies to k-fff, I figured you already understood what in talking about and that you had great insight into this already

Keep pushing man
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 04, 2020, 04:49:07 PM
@Chris

Dude I sincerely hope you make it too. I appreciate your candor and interest in my recovery.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 07, 2020, 06:51:08 PM
Had to interact with my father this evening. What a shit show. They (my family) don't understand how much I dislike being around them. Everytime I spend time with them I want to take steel wool and scrub their presence/ideas/values completely off of my skin. I can't allow myself to fall back into those earlier mindsets that lead me to sedating myself in the first place. I just wish I could haven started working on a new life sooner. I've had to spend the better part of 4-5 years trying to battle these withdrawals, rather than building a new foundation. I don't really have anyone new to reach out to. Everyone I would think of calling is from my old life. I fucking hate my old life. I despise the whole kit and caboodle. The environment, the people, the ideas.  Fuck all of it.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: suprastim on October 07, 2020, 08:34:54 PM
The longer you abstain, the better you get.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 07, 2020, 08:58:33 PM

The shit with my Dad is just so fucking deep-rooted--I feel as if I say one thing bad towards him then I'll be disowned from the family. But now I've gotten to a place where I don't even care what he thinks of me. I mean I do--I'll always care--but now I can deal with the consequences and won't feel as if I'm free falling or committing some immortal sin. That's the sign of a controlling parent--when going against their wishes feels as if you're re-crucifying Jesus. And that's how I feel right now.

This is some real shit. I was shaking, like a shivering eskimo, not five minutes ago. This goes down to my bone marrow.

Life is so fucking confusing and full of nuance.

I'm glad I was taught, by people other than him, that there are other ways of interacting. And I know it's not his fault--his parents fucked him right and good--but at a certain point empathy no longer has a place. I can't afford to let him fire his machine gun of horse shit into me while I smile--allowing myself to wince in pain only when he isn't looking. It isn't my job to understand him anymore, or to not react to his insanity. I need to take care of myself.

This is a pivotal moment for me--ordinarily I would relapse after an episode like this. I gotta stay true to myself at this moment. I can't allow these powerful emotions sway me in a direction I swore I would never go again.

He's not the devil. But he sure can be a cocksucker. I feel really fucking bad for the younger version of myself who was powerless to his bullying ways.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 09, 2020, 12:02:33 PM
Started TMS today. Maybe it'll help with the mental symptoms.

Getting pretty close to a full year clean. Doesn't feel like it.

I miss my gf, but it's just so weird thinking about the fact that she's across the ocean. Makes her more of an idea than a person. I really hope she's doing well. Out of all the people I've met in my life, she deserves it. This world can be so cruel to the folks who feel the deepest.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 10, 2020, 11:24:17 AM
Withdrawals kept me up until 4:30 am and woke me up at ~10am. No discernible pattern to them the past 5 or so days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 11, 2020, 02:12:48 PM
Still in a lot of pain on a consistent basis. Not much else to report. Fuckin' shite.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 11, 2020, 07:23:46 PM
It's really bad right now
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on October 12, 2020, 09:51:53 PM
What is?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 13, 2020, 09:19:10 PM
Fucking miserable
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 14, 2020, 11:19:04 AM
Dude the last 4-5 days have been so unbelievably terrible. I hope things start to improve soon. Urges kind of crept up on me yesterday, and I was closer to relapse than I have been for a while. I think this monster is realizing that the only way it can defeat me is by making the pain so severe that I kind of just give up on the hope of a better tomorrow. Thank God I made it. Fuck this shit man. It's been so awful.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on October 15, 2020, 07:42:51 AM
Your willpower is insane though. You just have to keep going at the end of the day it only gets better when it is completely gone from our lives.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 15, 2020, 01:14:01 PM
@K  Thanks man.


Yesterday afternoon wasn't bad. But the night was shitty and today is more of the same. Just gotta keep moving forward, as always. Need to remember that none of this is permanent. The pain will have no choice but to dissipate, because my brain wants to procreate, and it's been failing when it tries to operate through the porn outlet. Sooner or later, it's going to start turning towards women made of carbon, and, therefore, the natural world as a whole.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 16, 2020, 08:49:17 PM
Something's gotta give eventually. Haven't had MW in about a week. The last 6 or so days have been extremely difficult. My sleep is starting to get fucked again. I was up until 4 am last night weathering my withdrawal symptoms (increased heart rate, really bad anxiety, headache, depression).

I use this forum to get the negativity out so I can continue forward. Life isn't always a complete cesspool for me, but I would be lying to myself and to the folks who read my thread if I acted as if I was living out a self-help book. Optimism is a funny thing. I don't let it control me. False positivity is more dangerous than cynicism, in my eyes. Better to be aiming at the truth than covering up the blemishes. It serves no one to act as if things are okay. Hiding things is a major part of this addiction. Light needs to be continually shed on everything in our lives in order to beat this shit. Honesty is a biggie. It actually takes courage, in my eyes, to admit that we are feeling weak. Vulnerability is power, though it seems that America is more interested in "toughness".
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 18, 2020, 04:12:15 PM
Some days it feels like I haven't made any progress at all. What in the fuck did I do to my brain?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on October 19, 2020, 07:30:53 AM
It's great you can get the negativity out through this way. Venting about all of life's shitty moments must be helpful :) Truth is good, accepting that you're not always strong is human. To be humble and honest is much more powerful than always being the tough guy. Be real, life can be shit but you're trying to improve it at all costs. Keep posting your angry negativity here as long as it helps you, nobody judges, nobody minds. I hope your withdrawel symptons some day soon will get less. You deserve a break.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 19, 2020, 09:58:22 PM
@Sanders  Thanks man that was really kind of you to say. Glad everything is going well for you.


This most recent iteration of the withdrawals has been interesting. It reminds me of the month of August in the way that it's affecting me. Strange how all of this horse shit is cyclical for me.

I hope to God that this won't last more than two years. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to feel my emotions. I want a shot at finding some lasting, authentic happiness. A part of me is afraid of how long this shit will be a part of my life. It's very painful and makes life hardly liveable.

I get MW about half the time, but I don't think it's where a healthy male should be at. It's maybe 60% hard most mornings, and it goes away before I stand up.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 20, 2020, 11:52:47 AM
I'm going to be posting on here more often--I need an outlet.

I only slept ~1.5-2 hours last night, and none of it was of quality. The complete inability to sleep is a new phenomenon, so I no longer feel as if I'm operating under a familiar pattern. This is different.

I guess the only pattern I can honestly rely on is the fact that things have gotten more and more difficult as time has progressed. At least in terms of acute pain.

Not sleeping is scary: H-A-L-T(ired). This addiction is really pushing for a win these days. It's throwing out all the stops. All I can really do is endure. I wish I had more people IRL to talk about this with. I'm feeling so very lonely these days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on October 21, 2020, 06:19:37 AM
Stay with it man. It will pass.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on October 21, 2020, 09:06:04 AM
I wish I had more people IRL to talk about this with. I'm feeling so very lonely these days.

I think part of the reason p is such a problem for men these days is most of us are completely atomized and cut off from each other. Most people don't maintain friendships very well. Especially men, they lose their friendships growing older. I think this is one of many reasons people get lost in the dopamine rush of p. I wish you well, Zander, not sleeping is hell.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 23, 2020, 05:59:25 PM
I wish I had more people IRL to talk about this with. I'm feeling so very lonely these days.

I think part of the reason p is such a problem for men these days is most of us are completely atomized and cut off from each other. Most people don't maintain friendships very well. Especially men, they lose their friendships growing older. I think this is one of many reasons people get lost in the dopamine rush of p. I wish you well, Zander, not sleeping is hell.

I agree with you man. We are atomized. And thanks for your support.


365 days. Made it a year. Kind of exciting in theory but I just want to feel better at this point.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on October 24, 2020, 02:42:57 PM
You will, Just keep fighting it out.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 25, 2020, 02:21:17 PM
Thanks Chris and Jeks.

For me, League of Legends is the heroin of video games. I played for the first time in a year last night and I felt terrible when I was finished, 6 hours later. Holy fuck man, I'm never doing that again.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2020, 07:40:48 PM
WDs keepin' me up at night again. Last three nights I haven't been able to sleep until 5-5:30am.

Digestion has been super rough for over a week now. Stomach is constantly upset, nothing comes out solid.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Joey on October 28, 2020, 09:19:34 PM
hey Zander,

I'm new to the site and clicked on this forum since it seemed like the most visited recently. I want to try and offer some encouragement during your difficult time.

Reading some of your posts have just really inspired me man, the commitment, the honesty, the support and kindness you give others.

whatever it is you're going through, you can make it through.

Thank you for your courage to open up, thank you for inspiring me to be a better man today.

Here's to many good posts for the future!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 29, 2020, 08:23:24 PM
hey Zander,

I'm new to the site and clicked on this forum since it seemed like the most visited recently. I want to try and offer some encouragement during your difficult time.

Reading some of your posts have just really inspired me man, the commitment, the honesty, the support and kindness you give others.

whatever it is you're going through, you can make it through.

Thank you for your courage to open up, thank you for inspiring me to be a better man today.

Here's to many good posts for the future!

Hey man. Good luck with your battle. I just read your story--sorry sex was disappointing for you. My two cents are that there was no way in hell the sex was going to feel good to you. Porn has already taken control of your sexuality to a point where it will affect every single aspect of the real act itself. Your brain is already attuned to the faulty essence of online porn, and the real thing pales in comparison to what our brains think is happening to us when we PMO. A real, flesh and blood woman is mere jab when compared to the powerful uppercut of altered porn reality (fetishes, exaggerated everything, anxiety-inducing content, idealistic [to say the least] storylines). I don't want to speak out of turn, but yeah, that's probably what happened. Because I've had sex when my brain was relatively healthy, and some of those memories are the most powerful ones in the catalogue. You can really experience something completely unique when sex is had with a loving partner. It can be transcendent.

Anyways, good luck with everything. Study up on the science of all this, take it seriously, and stay forever humble. Oftentimes I see guys come on here who get a nice little streak, start believing that they are more powerful than the vice grip of addiction, and end up relapsing and completely disappearing from the forum as a whole. In fact, I've failed at this shit for YEARS, and have been that person myself. I am always one second away from relapse, and I try not to forget that fact. I avoid anything that might remotely trigger me, and make sure to make myself accountable when I do start thinking in a detrimental fashion.

Sorry for the lecture, but yeah. Maybe it'll help an ounce. Or maybe not. Who knows if I'm just trying to dump my acquired knowledge on people lower down on the reboot food chain so I can feel good about myself. Not saying that you're below me in any way shape or form, but you know. Days accumulated wise.


As for me, I've been inside the same pattern for a couple weeks now, and I do believe that it's different than previous iterations. That doesn't mean anything necessarily, but it could have some significance. All I'm really doing is trying to find a concrete way to discern how much progress I've made. It's been tough to gauge where I'm at on the spectrum these days. I haven't had any MW for ~10 days, and I haven't been dreaming either. I just hate the thought of being stagnate in my recovery, though I, at the end of the day, have no control over the time it will take for my symptoms to alleviate. I'll heal when I'll heal.

I can't wait to get attuned with life. I want the vibrations of our cosmos to reverberate off of my body. I want my emotions to fuck me up. I want to feel real pain, and envy, and heartbreak, and all that other horse shit we hear about in movie soliloquies. Authentic emotions are what I'm after. Belly laughter. Pit-in-the-stomach sadness. What have you.

Some of the folks I've been following on the various forums are seeing tangible, true recovery, and it's really encouraging to read their stuff. Jeks, on this forum, being one of those people. He's, I believe, 15 months into this thing, and seems to be at the tipping point. That gives me hope that I'll start kicking ass when I hit that mark.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Joey on October 29, 2020, 09:33:52 PM
hey Zander,

I'm new to the site and clicked on this forum since it seemed like the most visited recently. I want to try and offer some encouragement during your difficult time.

Reading some of your posts have just really inspired me man, the commitment, the honesty, the support and kindness you give others.

whatever it is you're going through, you can make it through.

Thank you for your courage to open up, thank you for inspiring me to be a better man today.

Here's to many good posts for the future!

Hey man. Good luck with your battle. I just read your story--sorry sex was disappointing for you. My two cents are that there was no way in hell the sex was going to feel good to you. Porn has already taken control of your sexuality to a point where it will affect every single aspect of the real act itself. Your brain is already attuned to the faulty essence of online porn, and the real thing pales in comparison to what our brains think is happening to us when we PMO. A real, flesh and blood woman is mere jab when compared to the powerful uppercut of altered porn reality (fetishes, exaggerated everything, anxiety-inducing content, idealistic [to say the least] storylines). I don't want to speak out of turn, but yeah, that's probably what happened. Because I've had sex when my brain was relatively healthy, and some of those memories are the most powerful ones in the catalogue. You can really experience something completely unique when sex is had with a loving partner. It can be transcendent.

Anyways, good luck with everything. Study up on the science of all this, take it seriously, and stay forever humble. Oftentimes I see guys come on here who get a nice little streak, start believing that they are more powerful than the vice grip of addiction, and end up relapsing and completely disappearing from the forum as a whole. In fact, I've failed at this shit for YEARS, and have been that person myself. I am always one second away from relapse, and I try not to forget that fact. I avoid anything that might remotely trigger me, and make sure to make myself accountable when I do start thinking in a detrimental fashion.

Sorry for the lecture, but yeah. Maybe it'll help an ounce. Or maybe not. Who knows if I'm just trying to dump my acquired knowledge on people lower down on the reboot food chain so I can feel good about myself. Not saying that you're below me in any way shape or form, but you know. Days accumulated wise.


As for me, I've been inside the same pattern for a couple weeks now, and I do believe that it's different than previous iterations. That doesn't mean anything necessarily, but it could have some significance. All I'm really doing is trying to find a concrete way to discern how much progress I've made. It's been tough to gauge where I'm at on the spectrum these days. I haven't had any MW for ~10 days, and I haven't been dreaming either. I just hate the thought of being stagnate in my recovery, though I, at the end of the day, have no control over the time it will take for my symptoms to alleviate. I'll heal when I'll heal.

I can't wait to get attuned with life. I want the vibrations of our cosmos to reverberate off of my body. I want my emotions to fuck me up. I want to feel real pain, and envy, and heartbreak, and all that other horse shit we hear about in movie soliloquies. Authentic emotions are what I'm after. Belly laughter. Pit-in-the-stomach sadness. What have you.

Some of the folks I've been following on the various forums are seeing tangible, true recovery, and it's really encouraging to read their stuff. Jeks, on this forum, being one of those people. He's, I believe, 15 months into this thing, and seems to be at the tipping point. That gives me hope that I'll start kicking ass when I hit that mark.

I really appreciate the words man. That's sound and true advice, spoken from someone who's walked the walk. Truth be told is that you are right, I was so gone and so engulfed in the fantasy world of porn that the real thing just didn't do it for me. That single fact is what has scared me, hopefully straight.

I'm happy you told me to stay humble about this journey, and to remember that relapse is always a second away. It's something that I needed to hear to put this recovery in perspective.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 30, 2020, 01:51:10 PM
Had a wet dream for the first time in over a year. The dream was fragmented, but the imagery was unhealthy, unnatural, and undoubtedly fueled by the the porn-influenced portion of my sexuality. None of it felt natural or intimate/sensual/passionate. The orgasm itself made me feel shitty, and reminded me of how I would feel after the sex I was having earlier in my reboot. My wires are still all fucked up, but that's no shock to me. A part of me feels as if i let myself down, but I was sleeping, so there's only so much control a guy can have. The mistake was made when I set my alarm for am instead of pm, and I slept for an extra hour because of it. The wet dream occurred in that time frame, so of course I'm kicking myself for fucking up my alarm.

All I can do is keep moving forward with everything. I can't let this get me down too much, just like the previous instances in my reboot when orgasms had me feeling like garbage.

I still have a ways to go in this reboot. A tough pill to swallow, but if I expect things to immaculately reverse in a matter of weeks then I'd just be setting myself up for a let down. I'm in a fucking dog fight, and I can't really take a vacation from it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 01, 2020, 06:11:52 PM
Last night and today have been very, very difficult. I'm struggling hard.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 02, 2020, 01:42:06 PM
Had a breakdown yesterday and an even worse one today. I kicked my door in not 30 minutes ago, have been screaming at the top of my lungs, felt like driving my car into a dividing wall--the whole nine yards. I'm so utterly mystified by the power of these withdrawals. I don't even know what to say anymore. They only get harder and harder. Suicide is something that has been popping into my mind, though I'll never act on it. I've already been to that place before, and in the moment of action, I figured out that I'd never be able to pull the trigger.

I punch myself in the face a lot, because I have nowhere to direct my anger besides myself. I don't need sympathy, but I do need to let someone know so I don't have to live with it on my own.

I screamed at my mother today, which probably wasn't fair. She'll be very hurt by it. But what my parents don't understand is that their inauthenticity and bullying were a huge factor in my development of this addiction in the first place. One doesn't just erase one's soul in pornography on a whim. There was some causation there. I've never felt more misunderstood by a pair of individuals in my life--we are just on two complete planes of existence, let alone varying pages of a book. I told her to leave me the fuck alone (a message she'll hopefully relate to my father, since that's how me and my Dad have always communicated anyways). There are so many undercurrents of influence that they have over me--it's fucking insanity man. Sometimes I don't catch their bullshit for a while, and layers of pain begin to develop within me until I boil over and say things that I'll later regret.

I still find it hard to be truthful about things, at least when I'm in my hometown. It'll be a battle I'll fight until the end of my days, because lying and sliding shit under the rug is so deeply ingrained in me. Fuck conservatism and the midwest in general. I'm not proud of where I'm from. I feel so stifled here. It's so backwards and patriarchal and phony. So many Trump signs. Makes me want to puke.

It's sad that I'm still dealing with childhood issues as a 29 year old man, but I only just began to realize what was going on. A problem like this doesn't go away just because time is passing. Age is just an accumulation of experiences plus the slow disintegration of the body.

Life is really, really hard for me at the moment. I'm starting to crumble a little.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 03, 2020, 01:19:01 AM
This was top 2-3 worst days of my life. No question.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on November 03, 2020, 03:21:02 AM
Hey Zander,

I can't imagine how you're feeling now but it seems like you're in a really bad place right now. I'm sorry to hear how difficult everything has been for you, not just now, but the past months or even years. I don't know how bad your situation is currently but I remember you went to a facility for some time which really seemed to help you. Is it a possibility to consider that again?

You seem aware of what's troubling you which is really important. I hope life gets better for you because this seems really hard to handle. You've mentioned you're alone in this, do you still have some contact with your girl now she's no longer around?

All the best, you really deserve a break and some decent improvement.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 05, 2020, 02:24:43 PM
@Sanders: Thanks for reaching out man. I'm not going to return to that place because I don't need that level of care. I recently came to the conclusion that those horrible days were a result of the treatments I've been undergoing. They're called TMS treatments, and they use magnetic pulses to stimulate certain parts of the brain. Since I have bipolar 2, the pulses can magnify the hypomanic versions of my brain, causing severe emotional turmoil, including extreme anger. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, basically. And now I know why. So I'm discontinuing the treatments and hopefully I'll never feel as bad as I did the other day again.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 08, 2020, 04:14:57 PM
Still moving. Some days are harder than others. I never really know what I'm going to get on a day-by-day basis. Not much MW lately, and I haven't really been dreaming that much either.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on November 09, 2020, 03:28:03 AM
hey zander,

sorry to hear, that life is tough right now.
I dont have any experience with bipolar 2, but i have heard, that finding the right medication and the matching doses are a real trouble. Are you taking medication right now?
Do you think your bipolar disorder comes from your porn addiction? Or do you feel its more like an amplifier.

Family problems suck. Its really tough. Do you guys have more like outburtsts from time to time or is the atmosphere really bad like all the time?

Its good to hear, that you are still on the path. I hope you can get some time outs soon.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 09, 2020, 01:35:39 PM
@Jeks  Yeah I have the right meds. I think the porn stuff just exacerbates everything to the nth degree. It synergized with the depressive stuff and makes my symptoms that much more painful.

I also used porn to self-medicate so it's pretty deeply engrained at this point.

Finally, I did what they call kindling an addiction, which means I would have lengthy periods of abstinence (90+) followed by intense binges. For whatever reason, this kind of behavior is more detrimental than just regular old addiction, and it has caused massive damage. Gary speaks about it briefly somewhere on yourbrainonporn, but I don't remember where.

The family stuff is what it is. It's just something I've learned to live with. It just really flares up when I'm feeling extra down. At this moment it doesn't bother me too much.


But I have some good news. I woke up this morning with a stiff boner. And I had these vivid dreams involving my first love, and they were somewhat positive in nature (I believe). Those memories haven't bubbled to the surface in a long, long time. Weird how this process slowly unearths my past. It's like an archaeological dig.

I don't know what the future holds, but I need to celebrate these small victories.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 10, 2020, 06:50:27 PM
Today has been weird. My anxiety isn't as high as it normally is, but it has been replaced by straight up depression. I swear to God the recovery of my addiction happens in phases. One period, I'll deal with major anxiety without much depression, the next, I'll deal with anger, headaches, tinnitus; the next I'll be having diarrhea; etc. etc. etc. My brain deals with one or two issues at a time or something. And right now that issue is depression. I feel sad, and lonely, and little bit depleted. I'm starved of optimism. Day after day after day of living life half-assed is catching up to me. The thought of another year of this hurts my spirit. I don't want to die before my symptoms get better. I want to experience life as a normal person. I want to feel real emotion. I want to feel the urge to be around other people, and to want to touch a woman for the sake of touch alone.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 11, 2020, 08:18:03 PM
Today sucked
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anubu0 on November 11, 2020, 10:40:13 PM
Hey zander.

Rough days are a bit too common with this process. The good news? Rough days are a sign of recovery. Your brain is in a full out war right now. All that conflict between yourself and the devil spawn that is p is creating these negative emotions. You can do this man just persevere!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 12, 2020, 03:24:15 PM
Thanks for the sentiment @aunubu.

This morning/afternoon has been comfortable. Hell yeah.

Had a dream about a friend I had when I was in 8th grade. In the dream, I was attracted to his little sister, and was close to having sex with her. Am I moving backwards in time, subconsciously? I believe so. The summer of 7th grade was when I first starting watching porn, so maybe I'm close to getting to the nexus. The molten core. That'd be fucking awesome. So many emotions were ignored, so many experiences blurred by PMO. I was so hedonistic back then--I don't think I've experienced something authentically since I started to PMO. Now my brain is combing through the files and finally addressing all of the feelings that I ignored. 

We'll see where things go from here, but I do feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I, not always gracefully, weathered those fucking shitstorms. More will come, but fuck it. I needed this positivity.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 13, 2020, 06:00:24 PM
yesterday's high was as tall as today's low
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 14, 2020, 03:01:49 PM
last night's dream was one of the most sexual dream i've had in years. it was very close to being a wet dream. things are happening. i'll still have to endure lots of pain between now and the finish line but at least i can find comfort in the fact that something is changing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on November 15, 2020, 11:51:29 AM
Vivid dreams are a good sign i think. I sometimes feel like i can literally sense things shifting inside my mind after a dream.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 15, 2020, 06:54:21 PM
@Jeks   I agree. Dreams seem to me like a return to form for my subconscious.


I think that I'll know when I'm really getting close to the end when my interests in certain fetishes start to wither away. Sadly, I'm not there yet, and I know this because the fetishes I was into should morally revolt me, and yet they still don't; if I'm being honest with myself.

My stomach has been in knots for two weeks now. Food doesn't appeal to me all that much, and trips to the bathroom have been nothing short of chaotic.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 18, 2020, 08:46:57 AM
gettin hit pretty hard
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 18, 2020, 10:22:58 PM
fuck. this. shit.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 20, 2020, 05:20:31 PM
symptoms have kept me up for 24 hours straight. i cant fall asleep
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on November 20, 2020, 10:16:23 PM
Hey man, the tea that is helping me is called willowherb. Its nothing special or anything. Its like drinking chamomile tea, when you have got a cold. Its supposed to help against problems with the prostate and bladder infections, by helping to regain hormonal balance or something like that. Maybe its worth a try. Problems with the prostate can also cause depression.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 21, 2020, 11:26:58 PM
I’ll look into it jeks. Thanks for the tip.


Actually had a decent day today. Wasn’t spectacular or anything, but I was somewhat functional. My sleep schedule is completely fucked but what can you do. It’s out of my control.

I’m scared about how long this process is going to take. It’s been so damn hard.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 23, 2020, 01:23:31 AM
Dude the last two days have been relatively mild in terms of symptoms. We'll see where things go from here.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 24, 2020, 12:49:14 AM
Back to feeling like shit

Also hella constipated
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 25, 2020, 05:01:54 AM
today is also shit. can't sleep well, brain is constantly on fire
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Do or die on November 25, 2020, 09:57:39 AM
You can do it. Every porn addict feel and think like you after relapse Or when he got withdrawals. But be calm and believe in yourself, and gabe deam. You can do it. If gabe deam did it then we also do it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 26, 2020, 12:55:17 AM
Running real low on motivation right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 26, 2020, 07:50:16 AM
shit man it's really hurting right now

Edit: Fuck, just realized i'm at 400 days on the dot
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: fapstranaut02 on November 26, 2020, 10:06:22 AM
Zander, I just wanna say you're a fking beast for getting to 400 days.

There may be times you are depressed or lack motivation, but I hope you will keep pressing on forward ! I'm not sure what can help you, but hanging out with friends or working out makes the mood better, at least for my case.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 27, 2020, 09:10:14 AM
@fap. Thanks man. And yeah, spending time with others defo helps sometimes.

In a weird phase of the wd’s. Nearing the end of some kind of cycle. Food is tasting better, my mind is clearer. My brain is still on fire though, and my dick still feels lifeless. And there’s a phantom tug going on down there that I don’t quite understand.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 29, 2020, 06:21:33 AM
Yesterday was a little harsh, but nowhere near the most difficult days of this reboot. I don't know where I'm at on the timeline, and I really wish that I did. But that's part of it I suppose. No one in life get's handed a foolproof timeline for anything that involves indeterminate entities.

I do sure as shit hope that I have less than a six months left. A full 2 year process would be harsh. I wanna start living life to the fullest. I want to get back out there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 29, 2020, 08:44:06 AM
Just realized that my emotions are fucking all over the place today. Angry as fuck one 15 minute period, laughing authentically the next. My brain is a fucking shitstorm right now, good fucking lord.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: fapstranaut02 on November 29, 2020, 10:55:50 AM
Hey Zander, sometimes i think there may be deeper issues inside than you think. P is just the catalyst, maybe it has something to do with your surrounding that triggers your negative emotions ?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 30, 2020, 07:38:13 AM
gunna be another tough one today
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 01, 2020, 04:48:01 AM
haven't had mw in several days. shoot
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 02, 2020, 05:58:36 AM
i get glimpses of libido at night and early in the mornings. i wish i was more optimistic about this fact but i've been burned too many times to get excited about anything. there's no room for optimism when reality plays such a strong role when it comes to matters of the brain.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on December 02, 2020, 01:32:41 PM
Hi Zander13,

I started reading your journal, and wish you well in your journey.

(thanks for the shout-out earlier on k-fff's journal!)

I saw that you've had very impressive streaks in your journey so far, reaching well over 100's before old habit patterns reemerged. Good job!

For now, I can just say- You are not your brain.

You got this, man! You can (and have) retrain your brain away from unhealthy habits that rob you of your goals.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 04, 2020, 02:25:28 PM
god damn i cant tell if things are improving or not
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 09, 2020, 09:17:43 AM
Things have been easier the past 4-5 days. doesn't mean anything necessarily, but i'm very grateful for this fact. very grateful.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 09, 2020, 03:56:40 PM
Thats great zander!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 11, 2020, 10:47:30 AM
Thanks Jeks.

I'm back to feeling like shit lol.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 11, 2020, 12:45:02 PM
lol, back to the grind then...
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 11, 2020, 01:31:44 PM
@Jeks : I will say that even the "shit" doesn't feel as bad, at least not for today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 11, 2020, 02:45:08 PM
I will say that my anxiety is quite high right now. My heart is beating super fast and I feel a base level of fear. My fight or flight system is still all wonky. I still have a ways to go, sadly enough. At least I know things aren't static.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 12, 2020, 12:22:02 PM
Starting to believe more and more that I have actually turned a corner. Holy fuck if that's true. It's been such a long road. Can't get too hyped, but damn.

Things aren't normal or anything but the harsh stuff doesn't last nearly as long and it lacks the bite it once had. But who knows, tomorrow I could hit an all time low symptoms wise.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 14, 2020, 04:02:24 PM
yesterday was pretty rough and today has been shitty--very fatigued.

still think i'm through the worst of it though.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 15, 2020, 01:05:04 PM
Sounds good man, keep it up.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 15, 2020, 02:14:01 PM
@Jeks  Thank you sir. You as well.


I need to remind myself that just because things are getting a little better does not mean I can or should let up my defenses in any way. In fact, I need to re-fortify them. My libido is creeping its way back into my life (very, very slowly), so I need to be even more vigilant, if anything. I need to avert my eyes from any explicit material the moment it makes itself known. And this should be happening rarely at best, seeing as how I should be vetting material before I allow myself to consume it.

I've failed far into recovery before. I cannot let it happen again. Success should not lead to the shirking of responsibilities. Time to buckle down harder than ever before.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 15, 2020, 07:33:05 PM
Judging by the last three days I def still have a ways to go before I'm really feeling normal and alive.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 17, 2020, 11:50:57 AM
Had a dream, right before I woke up, where I peaked at porn. I don't understand why this happened, but I'm going to take it as a warning sign. I gotta be better with the internet.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on December 17, 2020, 12:59:42 PM
These dreams we experience about old habits are all about the lower brain signaling that it wants a hit. But, that animal-brain can't make us do anything! It can only suggest, or create urges, it can never force us- it's in our power to say- No!

You'll know your changing your life when in the dreams, you're turning down porn, and doing something different.

Doing good, Zander.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 17, 2020, 05:30:41 PM
Gotta be honest: today was shitty as hell. Kinda scared that I'll have to endure more months of shit again. May have spoke too soon earlier. We'll see.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 19, 2020, 11:45:12 AM
Don't know where I am recovery-wise. Tis a scary place to be.

My sleep is getting fucked up again--I can't fall asleep until 3 a.m. (been happening for the past 4 nights or so).

I wish for all of this to be over, but I can't get caught up in wishing for my life to be different. It's counter-productive. What a hard pill to swallow--but there is no other way to move forward. Hard part is that it's not a black-and-white decision--I vacillate between the two poles constantly. Life is full of greys.

Reasons why I need to keep pushing onward: -chance at love   -chance at experiencing art with a full breadth of emotions   -deep connections with family, friends    -belly laughter     -everything being better     -experiencing life in a way I've never experienced it (as an adult)      -having access to all my talents      -writing and reading fiction at a much higher level     -not having all of these shitty withdrawal symptoms      -much better sleep       
-better dreams    -movie immersion     -a billion other things       -being able to try magic mushrooms       -being able to celebrate this journey as a success story        -proving a couple people wrong       -kingdom of God??

I'm being tested. It's a hard fucking test. But I can't quit. Fuck.


Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 19, 2020, 12:59:18 PM
Dont give up zander,
we will come out the other end, i am sure.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 20, 2020, 02:14:47 PM
God bless you Jeks. I was reading over my journal and I noticed how much you've supported me. Thank you. Nice having someone whose experience is somewhat similar to my own. We'll both celebrate our victories together my friend.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 20, 2020, 02:33:05 PM
Man, i hope so zander. Its been already such a long time. We have got to finish this. We have got no other option.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 21, 2020, 12:40:08 AM
Today was kind of shit day. Really hard to gauge where I'm at right now.

PSA: don't binge relapse after long streaks. it'll fuck your brain up.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 21, 2020, 10:27:42 AM
lowest i've been in a while.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on December 21, 2020, 12:45:27 PM
You've been here before, you'll make it passed all of this.

Don't be too hard on yourself, forgive yourself, and move forward.

Assess all that worked for you before, all that was in play during your long streaks, and see what also didn't work for you. Simply learn your lessons from past lapses, and rework your plan.

You got this, man. I believe in you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 21, 2020, 04:22:22 PM
I'm 14 months clean on the 23rd. I didn't relapse, and I don't plan on doing so ever again. Previous post may have been confusing, but I was just reminding folks to not do what I did for the past 4 years.

Today is one of the worst days I've had throughout this whole process. I feel so isolated. I'm angry, sad, bitter, regretful, more angry, tired (haven't slept for 25 hours due to withdrawal symptoms keeping me awake), and a bunch of other negative shit. I just feel like pure shit. My body is trying to throw everything its got at me so I relapse. I need to keep this fact in mind or I'll get lost in the turbulence and begin associating the negativity with the circumstances of life. When my brain is in a good place, there are many aspects of existence that I enjoy. Life is good without porn infecting my brain.

Made the dumb mistake of going to my mother for consolation--I left with a sick taste in my mouth. She's part of the reason why I'm writing in this forum in the first place. On days like today I get back to how much I dislike certain parts of my family. I really don't like showing my hand to them, because they somehow find a way to exploit it and make morph it into something that it isn't. They make it theirs, in a way. I like MY perspective, as flawed as it may be. I can confidently say that it's been battle tested--far more than they could ever imagine.

I need to remind myself that this will pass, and that nothing lasts forever. My body and brain will be forced to try something different once this scheme fails, so I just need to keep fighting.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on December 21, 2020, 06:29:47 PM
You're doing good then, on the pmo front.

I did mistake your earlier post to be the opposite.

This is definitely an example, though, that life goes on- with or without porn. Just that now we have to face our feelings often, without the former insulation that our habits were.

Keep finding the good, man. Don't let all the other stuff (sucky as it is) bum you out so much! I agree, don't show your hand too much to people who only exploit it for their own ends...

Once you find other healthier ways to deal (and you probably already have), your victory will be that much sweeter. 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 23, 2020, 02:16:15 PM
Still feeling shitty these days. I've discovered that for me, there is a month long period where I feel like total ass-followed by a 1-2 week period where things aren't as bad. Seems unfair--but that's the hand I've been dealt.

Too bad my shit period coincides with Christmas, but maybe I'll be on the upswing by New Years.

1-5 pm is a tough time, and late at night is also hard. But 5-9ish is fairly tolerable, so it's not all bad.

These rough times correlate to times when I binged, and my brain expects the dopamine hit during these periods. It's akin to how I used to get really hungry for lunch at around 11:30 back when I worked as an accountant. Pavlov's dogs and whatnot. Our brains get used to stimuli coming on time.

Fuck science and fuck adaptation. It's really screwed with my life in such a deep, fundamental way. Porn addiction has influenced me, by far, more than anything else I've done, acquired, or experienced.

As always, need to keep pushing. No other way to live right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 24, 2020, 04:23:20 PM
May have figured out the pattern in a deeper way. I've been keeping an excel document to track things the past couple weeks and have been using forum posts from the past 2 months to try and figure out some patterns. I have a few hypotheses for the coming days and I'm very curious to see whether or not I can predict what's going to happen next. It'd be really nice to be able to have an idea of where I'm at on the spectrum.

I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that my worst days are behind me. Never will I feel as bad as I once have. It's like I already made it to the top of the mountain, and now I'm headed back down the other side. It's really fucking nice knowing that things will no longer get worse. That was a scary period--when the pain was climbing as opposed to lessening. Fucking hell man.

There are a lot of things I should be thankful for--things are slowly, slowly improving, as much as I hate to say it. I'll still have some topsy-turvy days and periods of brief agony, but the thought that I'm on the downswing is enough to get me through. And if I can have a rough timeline to plan for the ultra shitty days, then maybe they'll be a little more tolerable.

This is my biggest prediction--in a month's time, on the nose, I'll be feeling better than I perhaps ever have before (as an adult, of course). By Springtime, who fucking knows. Maybe I won't have to post on this forum as much and I'll be living a fucking life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on December 25, 2020, 04:45:52 AM

I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that my worst days are behind me. Never will I feel as bad as I once have. It's like I already made it to the top of the mountain, and now I'm headed back down the other side. It's really fucking nice knowing that things will no longer get worse. That was a scary period--when the pain was climbing as opposed to lessening. Fucking hell man.


Thats the most important aspect in my view zander. For me its often not so much about being better, but about the feeling that you will feel better. Thats already worth so much. I hope it will continue like this for you from here on. Even if difficult days will come up again, hope is the thing we have got to hold on to. (This whole journey sometimes feels like my personal Lord of the Rings - story with all this qliche-sounding phrases lol)

Maybe I won't have to post on this forum as much and I'll be living a fucking life.

That would be something, right? haha. Take good care man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 26, 2020, 05:27:15 PM
@Jeks: God bless you sir.

Today has been pretty shitty. Not awful or anything, but yeah. As I said before, still going to have tough days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 27, 2020, 04:55:57 PM
Asked a girl to send me a picture, knowing full well that she could use that as an excuse to add in a little sexuality (cleavage, etc.)

The fact that I'm even in contact with this lady isn't healthy in the last bit--it's the compulsive part of my brain searching for a fix. I'm wading into dangerous waters with this little incident. I need to be extra fucking careful. First thing I'm going to do is delete the picture (w/out looking) and then put an end to our communication.

I still need to keep a watchful eye on my brain. He's a stubborn, sly motherfucker. I'm a little disappointed in myself, but all I can do is rectify the issue before it get's any worse. Nothing is innocent when it comes to stuff like this. Most everything can be used a gateway.

I'm going to post in my journal after I've successfully deleted the photo just to keep myself accountable.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 27, 2020, 05:04:27 PM
Deed is done. Deleted phone, blocked email, all of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on December 28, 2020, 11:40:34 AM
Quote
First thing I'm going to do is delete the picture (w/out looking) and then put an end to our communication.

I'm going to post in my journal after I've successfully deleted the photo just to keep myself accountable.

Deed is done. Deleted phone, blocked email, all of it.


I've let little communications with females on FB or IG develop into little flirtatious encounters, and you're right, it's all a part of our lower brain trying to get it's dopamine hit. I've also had to shut down these, delete, drop and block, the whole 9.

Good going, Zander, on making yourself a promise, and sticking to it! Good going on keeping yourself accountable, and following through.

And even getting the picture, but deleting before looking is what some might call extinction therapy, where you learn that despite your urges, you're still in control. And what occurred actually goes toward desensitizing your old neural pathways.

Quote
I'm a little disappointed in myself, but all I can do is rectify the issue before it get's any worse. Nothing is innocent when it comes to stuff like this. Most everything can be used a gateway.

However, attaching emotion to it, even disappointment, could encourage those neural pathways. Simply forgive yourself- yes, you want to be extra vigilant now, but do it without judgement.

Good going, Zander!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 28, 2020, 10:00:37 PM
String of bad days in a row has me feeling pretty blue. Right when I get optimistic. I'm kinda pissed.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 30, 2020, 03:46:25 PM
Yesterday was a bit of reprieve.

No MW for a solid week plus. Maybe 2 weeks. I'm keeping an excel sheet that has a detailed description of each day, so I'll be able to have more accurate statistics.

Time and time again I'm reminded that the light isn't going to suddenly flicker on. This is a slow, drawn out process for me, and I won't be fixed in a flash of light. I still have a ways to go, but I do still think that the worst days are behind me.

Life isn't all of the sudden easy now. I'm still not even close to operating at 100% capacity, let alone 70 or 80. I'm still at about 30-40, maybe 50. I truly believe that.

Porn flashbacks don't really occur anymore, but I've been in this type of phase before, so I'm not getting overly excited. Now, the fucked up portion of my brains uses the desire for unhealthy, object-based sex as its craving method. Some days I feel a strong desire to find some lady to use as a masturbatory tool. I used to do this back in my active addiction days too--I'd just text girls hoping they'd have sex with me. It was all about the end product--I used them as complete objects. So fucked up.

I don't qualify any of this as true libido. It's still all fucked up. True libido is something I'm not familiar with, but I have a strong feeling that I'll know it when I feel it. Emotions will be involved. And as of now, I still rarely feel those. Sad. The color of life is absent. But it will return. Just need to remain patient.

Wish I could say that some rays of sunshine have broken through the cracks, but most of the really good stuff is still locked away. But as I predicted earlier, I think a couple days short of a month from now I'll be in one of my really good phases, where I'll feel better than I ever have before.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 31, 2020, 01:29:18 PM
Had a dream last night where I had a crush on this singer/songwriter named Phoebe Bridgers, and I felt that tinge of emotion that occurs when we feel as if there is a shot that love can blossom. It felt reciprocated for a second before something awkward occurred and I no longer believed it was a mutual attraction.

It doesn't mean anything as far as recovery is concerned, but I really enjoyed the "does she? does she not?" feeling.

I believe that I have a crush for this woman in real life, and I think that the infatuation reveals to me what I'm interested in as a man: intelligence, humor, and an artistic bent/understanding.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 31, 2020, 04:01:46 PM
I keep having these moments where I declare "this is who I am", but then I remember that I'm still under the spell of withdrawals, and that I still don't really know who I am. I need to make sure I keep those declarations in check, because they aren't true, and they can warp my sense of self if I let them. I just need to keep blowing in the wind for a while. That's who I am I guess--someone who can wait to figure out who he is. Someone with the patience to make it through this awfulness.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 02, 2021, 06:45:15 PM
I keep doing it. I use thoughts of the future/dreams/possible occupations to get high off of. I play out all of these scenarios in my head until the high fades off and I'm no longer excited about doing that thing I was imagining. It's a subset of the same kind of addictive bullshit. None of it is real. None if it is grounded in reality. All of it is meant to feel momentary happiness.

True contentment is based in action and presence. Buddhism isn't bullshit--it has a lot of merit to it. I just need to be where I am, as hokey as that sounds.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 03, 2021, 09:09:35 PM
Today was a tough one. As was last night. Did not sleep much.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 04, 2021, 06:26:05 PM
another tough one today
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 06, 2021, 12:07:24 AM
another crap day
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 06, 2021, 05:12:52 AM
Hold on zander, just do what is necessary right now to get over the days. Do what you can, but dont pressure yourself too much. Better days will come for sure.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 06, 2021, 08:29:56 PM
@Jeks thanks for reaching out. That's great advice. I'm really doing badly right now. I'm at the zenith of a string of some really shit days. Scared of their severity and longevity.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 06, 2021, 11:02:42 PM
When you are feeling really bad, please consider getting professional help. Its easy to feel completely hopeless, helpless and trapped, if you are fighting on your own all the time and you dont feel like you are making progress.

Stay strong zander.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 07, 2021, 09:06:06 PM
@Jeks Nah I don't need professional help. I've been through this before. It's lonely, yes, but nothing I haven't experienced and gotten past by myself.

Still feeling shitty, it's been 6 days of difficult times. I'm curious about how long this phase will last. Hope sooner rather than later. One thing I know is that it can't go on forever, and that fact is comforting.

I'll be a person one day.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 09, 2021, 07:53:48 PM
Still hurting
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: worldlit4213 on January 09, 2021, 11:33:25 PM
Hey Zander, we're here to encourage and support you through your tough times! Don't give up and press forward, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2021, 05:20:35 AM
@world: Thank you kind sir.

445 days. Not too shabby. Most important thing is to not relapse. Gotta keep the defenses up. The internet is full of land mines.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Phineas 808 on January 10, 2021, 05:46:18 PM
Good determination, Zander!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 11, 2021, 12:11:24 AM
Not trying to be selfish by posting this much but I need to express just how much I need to keep moving, despite how lonely/sad/stressed I feel.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 12, 2021, 10:11:43 PM
honestly feel like i haven't improved at all
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on January 14, 2021, 03:57:27 AM
I wouldn't apologise for posting anything here on this forum Zander. Post 20 times a day if that helps you, seriously! This forum is meant for helping each other and whenever you feel like there's something to get off your chest I'd take the opportunity here. Express all that you feel and experience if you feel like it, simply writing about it already helps a lot.

I can only imagine the difficulties you're going through, but you're the one experiencing them. Would it be of any help to write more in depth about what a shit day feels like to you? I guess you've already had every piece of advice thrown at you throughout your journey here so I believe there's little more advice that I can offer you. What I can write is that you've gone now about 1,5 years without porn which is an amazing accomplishment. You've been battling this addiction whilst dealing with mental issues, family, depression and whatnot. You're an example of resilliance and I trust that life will get better soon for you, it has to right?

Keep going forward!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 15, 2021, 03:11:59 AM
Thanks Sanders. Very kind.

Ready for something new. Life is very, very difficult for me right now. It has been for a while.

I just want to feel normal. For fuck's sake
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2021, 09:23:54 AM
Haven't been sleeping well. Really, really down in the dumps today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 18, 2021, 05:53:16 AM
I gotta remember the main reason why I'm doing this: because I want to write/teach writing for a living. That is the ultimate impetus, and it is the only reason I've been able to quit in the first place.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2021, 07:56:05 AM
Confused at the moment. Don't know where I'm at, where I'm headed. Nothing to go off of at the moment. Stay away from porn folks.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 21, 2021, 11:10:13 AM
This video affected me, because it confirms what I already believed but haven't thought about in a while: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys6TCO_olOc
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 21, 2021, 01:08:34 PM
100% true. Only after abstaining from porn, i realized how i used porn to escape from all the bad stuff in my life, so much so that it came as a real shock for me, when i got frustrated or upset and just craved for porn like an animal. Holy fuck, i remember how i didnt manage to do a task and how i just opened my laptop without any control like i was not myself. It was freaky.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 21, 2021, 01:27:23 PM
@Jeks I know man. I'm glad you've done what it takes, internally, to be where you're at. Good stuff!

I really disliked myself when I was younger. And that wasn't necessarily my fault, but it really tore me up. My self-esteem was so low. Took going to therapy and meeting people who were different to the ones I grew up with to see things from the perspective I do now. I believe that overcoming addiction is really about figuring out how to love yourself enough to want to truly quit.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Chris Oz on January 22, 2021, 04:10:54 AM
That's a nice way of putting it zander. I'm taking a mental note of that.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2021, 07:39:53 AM
@Chris Yeah. Like the dude in the video said, I think it's worth asking the question "why am I doing this?"  The issue is usually a little more esoteric than just pure science, though science is a major component of it and the truth when it comes to the nuts and bolts of recovery.

I'm at around 50-60% capacity still. It's going to take me 2 years, if not longer, to feel normal again. Sad truth that I need to swallow. Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Fucking shite mate. This is what happens when you binge relapse after long streaks--don't do it folks.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: k-fff on January 23, 2021, 09:58:21 AM
Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.
This is a very accurate description. I am waiting for the really brutal part of my reboot considering getting a month is becoming easier and easier, but I have binged a lot in the past and edged a lot. Edging being the absolute worst. I just hope I am strong enough for inevitable suffering that is gonna come from 4 years of heavy use. I hope you get better soon Zander.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Gabe Deem on January 23, 2021, 11:13:58 AM
Porn is like one of those specialized hunting arrows--it goes in easy, but it'll shred you up on its way out. In like a knife, out like a fishhook.

Great quote, Zander! Keep truckin. Keep fighting. If you're not out of the woods, keep swinging your ax.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2021, 04:54:32 PM
@Gabe: Thanks for the shoutout man. I used to watch your Youtube vids when they first came out--they were part of the beginning of this process for me. You've done a lot of good for a lot of people. Thanks for all of it.

Btw friends--I'm 15 months today. That's kinda cool, though, if I'm being honest, it doesn't mean all that much to me. I just want to feel better. I've been in a rough patch for over a month now, and yeah, I'm ready for it to be over with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 24, 2021, 05:05:19 AM
Hey zander,

since i have also some experience with long-time-rebooting and feeling shitty over a long period of time, i just wanted to give you something, that helps me a bit. Even though helping is maybe a little too strong of a word. It makes things sometimes a little more rearable. Anyway.
Try to find thoughts or memories that are keeping you hopeful. Sounds a little obvious i know. But in really difficult times, it helpes me to think about reasons or passed events, that are make it seem more likely, that things will get better. F. e. when i was worrying about VL or my bladder, i tried to think about reasons and events that are in favor of things getting better.
Even though i do not know your whole story, as far as i understood, there was a time before you relapsed, when you felt much better. That would be maybe one of those thoughts. As i said it sounds obvious, but when i feel really hopeless, it really helpes me a bit to reconnect with those thoughts.

Maybe that can help you a bit. Keep fighting your way back. There will be a way out.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anubu0 on January 24, 2021, 01:11:14 PM
I agree with Jeks!

Having started watching P at a young age, I've often dreaded that I will also take a long time to fully reboot, maybe 1 year to 2 years. Even typing that out made me really sad and unmotivated but there are always things to reminisce/think about when you're feeling down. I think / will think about my family, how my addiction has affected them, and the life I can live when this is all over. Because, this WILL be all over. We just need to get through the struggles to see the light :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 25, 2021, 11:16:39 AM
Yeah there was a time when I was so fucking close to feeling normal. It was the first serious reboot I ever endured, and I was at ~210 days. That's all it took, back then, for me to feel pretty fucking good. It was magical. I still remember this one day I had so vividly. I was watching the movie Shutter Island, and I'd never felt more engrossed in a movie in my life. It was as if I was Leo Dicaprio experiencing the world that Martin Scorsese created. The weather, the atmosphere, the emotions. It's etched into my memory, and I oftentimes use that day as the evidence I need to prove that these withdrawals are what's causing my issues, and that they do eventually go away. I remember music sounding profound, and I was able to sleep like a wee little baby.

I think it's a lot easier to draw up positive memories/motivations/emotions when I'm feeling decent. But on those dark days, I have to go a little deeper to keep from doing anything stupid. It's more fear based, but it has worked thus far. I know that if I relapse I'll be forfeiting years and years of my life, and at the age of 29 that's no longer acceptable. I don't even want to imagine the kind of place I'd be in if I relapsed. It'd be too dark for words.

This is very, very serious for me. I've smashed my brain into a pulp, and this is no longer some adventure for me. There are no more second chances. I used all of them up earlier on in my recovery.

If you read my journal, which, I know, is quite long, I think anyone would be able to spot this evolution that I just mentioned. I used to only post things on my good days, and they were usually quite positive, hopeful, endearing entries. My symptoms weren't as severe (not even close), and I knew that I'd be just about cured within a year if I stuck to my goal. But as time has progressed, and I've binge relapsed after these long streaks, my brain is so fucked that the symptoms are debilitating, and my whole entire body/being/mind is completely distorted and fucked up. No self-pity in that statement--it is what it is. And I'm the only one that can get myself out of it.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the reminders, because who knows, maybe, the next time I'm feeling like I'm in the 7th layer of hell, I'll try even harder to sprinkle in some nice thoughts. Who knows though, things get so fucking dark man. I wouldn't wish those mind states on anyone.

Hopefully 2 years will be the magic pill. If not, then I'll just have to keep going past that threshold. There's no other option for me.

Hopefully, once this is all said and done, I can continue posting on this forum, offering advice and whatnot. I can be the poster-child for the folks who have got it really bad. Sadly, I'd imagine that as time goes on, there will be more of us. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I think all of this is going to get worse before it get's better. Our society needs to undergo some changes if we're going to battle this problem on a scale that it needs to be battled at. It's like Germany in the early stages of WW2. They (Germany, perhaps more of Europe) kind of turned a blind eye to all of the evil going on underneath the surface, preferring to maintain the surface/face of the nation rather than pointing out the darkness and causing a ruckus. Maybe that's too harsh of a metaphor (nothing will ever compare to the atrocities of the Holocaust, not even close), but my point is that this porn issue seems to be pretty fucking bad, and yet nothing about it is entering the mainstream in any kind of credible way. I think the majority of people on this earth are being affected by it, but not everyone is sensitive enough to even realize what it's doing to them. We, the unfortunate ones, were hit so hard by porn's vileness that we couldn't choose to ignore it even if we wanted to.

Just think about the evolution of our culture the past ten years--step sibling stuff, pornstars used as gamertags (indicating, to me, that porn has entered the cannon of our popular culture), sending nudes in middle school, instagram models, blah blah blah blah. I know I'm a boomer, but the trend seems to indicate that porn is fucking things up. I'd bet that, in bedrooms across the world, things have grown worse as well. For me, porn altered my sexuality from the get go. I treated women as objects, and acted accordingly. I'd wager that I wasn't the only one, and that that kind of behavior is still going on today amongst our youth. Probably more so.

I feel passionately about this issue because it has damaged my life in such a profound, inescapable way, so perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion, kind of like how an alcoholic tends to believe that alcohol is evil not just for him but for everyone, and that most of the world is comprised of burgeoning alcoholics or currently practicing ones. Anyways, good luck to everyone. Keep fighting the good fight.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: anubu0 on January 25, 2021, 11:33:59 AM
Hey Zander,

Agree with you completely. Your analogy with allied appeasement to the axis powers fits perfectly. There needs to be action and it needs to be soon. If countries and politicians as a whole aren't willing to put up the fight, we're the ones who have to do it. We p addicts NEED to recover, to share our stories, to inspire others, and to show the world just how serious this problem is. I'm sorry that your journey feels so dark and one out of desperation. This is, like many others, your only option. But, as I cannot stress enough, we need to remember the happiness associated with a p free life. We're going through hell to reach heaven. You've got this Zander I'm rooting for you man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2021, 03:09:24 AM
Tonight I was woken up at 3 am by an orgasm I had while sleeping. It was a pornographic dream, and I was humping my bed. I feel guilty, for some reason. I don't know. But I'm scared of the chaser effect. Fuck. I mean, I was sleeping, but since I was humping the bed and the dream was like half-lucid..I dono. I'm not in a good spot right now. I hope this thing didn't do any lasting damage. I just want to be finished with all of this. Fuck. It wasn't masturbation because I would never do that, but for some stupid fucking reason I feel partly responsible. My brain is reacting to the orgasm in an odd way. I guess we'll see where things go from here. This shit is the worst.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2021, 06:13:12 AM
I fell back asleep and woke up to realize that the wet dream was out of my control. I have some extra brain fog this morning but other than that, I think I'll be fine. Still going to be on high alert for any kind of chaser effect, and I'm going to go out of my way to ensure that I avoid anything triggering today.

The timing of the wet dream is key--3 am is a rough time for me. I must have relapsed at that hour in the past because I've felt serious pangs of symptoms at 3 for the entire reboot.

My brain wasn't getting what it wanted while I was awake, so the sneaky fucker went ahead and grabbed it while I was asleep. Typical, classless thief. Waiting until the owner is in bed, in the dark. Late at night. What a fuckin' loser. Never can trust a guy like that.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 29, 2021, 05:30:38 PM
Had chaser effect for a full day or so after the dream.

I'm really struggling symptoms-wise. No use lying and saying I'm alright. I'm not. My life is shitty. It's not fun. I can barely play video games most days. Can't watch movies. Or T.V. Ever. Can't read most days. Can't write. Can't think. Digestion is terrible. Everything kind of just sucks ass. It's all either bland or downright miserable. This shit is the worst. I hate it so fucking much.

Nothing positive to say. It's all just shit. 15.25 months into this and I'm still doing terribly.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 30, 2021, 10:12:20 AM
Going to be another terrible day today. Lost it a little yesterday.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on January 30, 2021, 02:07:55 PM
Hope you feel better soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 31, 2021, 02:05:23 PM
Thanks Jeks.

Still not doing well. A lot of negative thoughts. A lot of anger. I'm very, very angry these days. Not at anything in particular, my brain is just full of rage. My chemicals are all fucked up and out of whack.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 03, 2021, 10:20:18 AM
This forum is blowing up--I didn't post for ~2 days and I had to go to the 2nd page to find my thread. Goes to show how prevalent this addiction is.

Still suffering majorly. Hangin' on by a thread. Hoping for an improvement soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 05, 2021, 10:34:34 AM
My brain is interested in porn these days. Need to keep an eye on that slippery fucker. He's a liar. He loves porn sometimes, so I need to separate myself from him and trust in my understanding that porn is evil, regardless of how much my brain loves it.

Things have been difficult for a while now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to move forward and trust that it will all be over one day. It can't go on forever.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 05, 2021, 09:01:58 PM
Really need to be vigilant for the foreseeable future. My brain is craving the porn.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 06, 2021, 05:14:32 PM
Yeah my brain is craving porn hard. I really need to be vigilant at this juncture.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 07, 2021, 12:19:57 PM
Damn this sucks ass. I'm really down right now from the withdrawals.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on February 07, 2021, 12:56:41 PM
Damn man, that sucks. Hope they pass soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 08, 2021, 03:51:38 PM
@Jeks Thanks. I dono if you ever mentioned what I discuss below, but yeah, I'm trying something different. Maybe Sanders said something about it, I dono, my memory is shite these days.

I'm going to start taking an SSRI. Just emailed a psych and waiting for her to get back to me. I've been on one before and it helped me, though this was back when my addiction wasn't the kindled monster that it is now. It may not do much, or it may do a lot. I'm just ready for a change. I don't see it as taking the easy way out--my anxiety and anger are still super prevalent and it's almost been 16 months. It's time for a change. I need an injection of hope.

Even if it doesn't work I'll at least be proactively doing something, and seeing time through a different lens. I like the idea of anticipating a drug's effects, as opposed to sitting around waiting for a good day to emerge out of the quagmire of shittiness I currently find myself in.

The pandemic, coupled with PAWS, mixed with the harsh winter of where I'm from has put me in such a shitty spot. I'm the most helpless I've ever felt.

Wish me luck. For the first time in 2 months, I'm kind of excited.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on February 08, 2021, 04:20:50 PM
Dude, i think its a great idea.
Being proactive, just trying out new things. I think its the exact opposite of the easy way out. Everything that helps, helps. After so many months of suffering i think its totally appropriate to try out something new.

I wish you good luck with that. Hopefully it can help you a bit to get a new kickstart in.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 10, 2021, 03:38:15 PM
Last two days have been easier. Hope this is a sign that I'm climbing out of this current wave of symptoms, but I'm not going to get excited.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 10, 2021, 08:16:05 PM
At the other forum I go to people have been posting long-term success stories. Here's one where the guy overcame a 27 month flatline: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/csqkbw/yes_end_of_27mo_flatline_826_days/

I hope mine won't take that long but there's more proof that I'm not the only one going through a long one.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2021, 09:47:48 AM
Had a dream where I relapsed. It was awful. Going to be on guard today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2021, 12:47:23 PM
I posted a while back about how I had picked up on the patterns of this thing. Well, obviously, I was a little off in my calculations back then. But I do think that I'm gaining a firmer understanding of the ebbs and flows of this flatline. The excel document I'm keeping is getting more and more detailed, and it's allowing me to dissect the monster a little easier.

I don't really know why I seek to know the patterns, because whatever happen will happen. I think it's a human thing to try and define everything, even if we're dealing with something as indefinable as a flatline. I want to KNOW. I want to feel like I'm in control. But I'm not, at all. Boy, oh boy, am I not.

Close to the end of month 15. I don't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things. What I do know is that this process doesn't feel like an adventure anymore. Before, there was a sense of discovery. And optimism. Now I'm at the latter half of the marathon, where I'm just trying to fucking get there. My legs are fucking shot and my breathing is heavy. I'm beat down.

I've been reading stories of folks who took 2+ years to get out of their flatlines. Of course I'm prepared to wait that long, but god damn man. That's a long fucking time. I hope I can return to normalcy within the 2 year mark. Once the weather starts getting better I'm going to want to take part in all of the springtime energy activities. I want to start dating again. I want to be able to enjoy nature.

Even if I don't leave the flatline soon, I hope that my symptoms lessen in severity, and that my social anxiety goes away. If I can spend time around people without wanting to leave immediately then I'll be okay. I can wait it out if that's the case. Hell, if I gain the ability to enjoy movies again then I'll be A-okay.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 16, 2021, 12:55:17 AM
Accidentally saw simulated sex on a TV show I've been watching. Need to be better with avoidance of that kind of thing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 17, 2021, 02:07:31 PM
For the past week I've had some decent spells interspersed between not so great ones. I'll take it. Nice to not be fucking miserable all the time.

Today I had the thought that I miss talking with the girl I used to see. She was great to speak with--she became my best friend, and now I don't have that anymore. She helped me realize that other people can be much better than the ones I've been used to associating with. Made me realize how important it is to expand my horizons so that I can get a more accurate representation of what this world can offer.

Anyways, I hope this trend continues. I know I'll, at some point in the future, return to that darker place, but it's nice to be in a peak rather than a valley. And I was right before when I said that I'll never feel as dark as I once did. I'm definitely through the most difficult parts of this flatline. Though I'll have more hills to climb, I'm on my way down from the metaphorical mountain.

I'm excited to leave the flatline so I can start being super creative again. I want to see what I'm truly capable of.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jeks on February 18, 2021, 03:48:06 AM
Good thing you feel a little better at the moment. Great news.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 18, 2021, 11:37:54 AM
Thanks Jeks.

My brain is craving porn really fucking hard right now. Wish me luck. Holy shit man it's hungry.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 18, 2021, 03:02:21 PM
Of course as soon as I post something positive I get hit with a day where I feel like absolute shit. And I mean shit. Fuck I'm sick of this.

also just had a terrible run in with a psychiatrist that left me shook. It's tough when oyu make yourself vulnerable to someone and they're just not the kind of person you should be opening up to. I ended the session early but I had to call someone and blow off a fuck ton of steam.

COVID and wintertime have really done a number on my mental health, and I'm kind if flailing right now. I've never felt this close to relapse in a long time. When I start craving cigarettes, alcohol, etc. is when porn starts to sound a little bit sweeter. I've really gotta be strong these next couple days.

Last time I posted something like this a guy said "man up" to me. I pretended his comment didn't get to me but it did. But now I've acquired enough anger from my mishap with the psych to say this: never post on my thread again. This is a safe space where I'm allowed to say whatever the fuck I want. you may think you're "tough" because you don't ever speak about your emotions, but I'm pretty fucking confident that I'm a much nicer, empathetic, smarter, tougher person than you'll ever be, hot shot.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Sanders on February 19, 2021, 03:21:01 AM
Hey man,

Sorry to hear that happened! It's a real tough situation that when you're trying to get help from someone you think is capable something like this happens. I hope you'll find someone who does a better job and can actually help you! For me the third psychologist was actually one that could help. I emailed them before the visit and explained my situation and asked whether they thought they could help. Of course they all said yes, but one out of three really could. It's a tricky process since porn is such a strange subject for many. There should be someone that can help you, definitely :)

There are plenty of people here giving shit advice or they're just really ignorant. I saw one guy here blaming a spouse because her husband was a porn addict and it was her fault because she should have been more satisfying. I like to think that most people here -including me- just don't really have a clue and try to suggest whatever they know. It's pretty shit of that person to write something like that in your journal but I'm happy for you that you're defining it like this.

I realise that there's plenty of reasons to feel bad next to fighting the addiction. I don't know whereabouts you live but here it's been constantly under -10 Celsius. Since most places are closed due to COVID there isn't too much to do. We've got to find something to occupy us and keep us sane :) Anyways, hope you'll keep your motivation high and pass through the coming days smoothly!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 20, 2021, 04:51:01 PM
@Sanders: Thanks man. You've been a really nice guy all throughout this process. Hope things continue to go well for you.

I just read two stories on nofap.com, back to back, that had one guy admitting that he failed after 810 days, and the other after 5 years. This is not something that just goes away after a set amount of days. A day will come when I get out of the flatline, but that will not mean that I'm finished from my journey. Porn is accessible 24/7, and it will never not be an issue for me.

The thought that "this will all be over after XX days" is nothing but detrimental, and was a mistake that I made many times when I was younger. I'd think "after 120 days I'll be done with this shit and return to normalcy". Nope. Days are just a nice way of tallying our successes. They aren't an accurate barometer when it comes to our levels of recovery. One guy at 300 days could still be more susceptible to relapse than a guy at 45. And both will be susceptible for the remainder of their lives. These pathways in our brains are deep. Don't take this shit lightly, or see it as some kind of phase. It's serious, and you can fail after 5 years of abstinence. Man was it humbling to read that. 5 fucking years and this guy is now completely re-addicted. And the 812 guy said he relapsed 10 times in one day.

Be wary gentleman. But still celebrate the victories, because it also seems to be detrimental to live a life in constant fear. A fine balance has to be struck. I'm not at a point where I can live like that, but one day I will have to figure out how to be wary of relapse without having the fear of failure infecting my mind 24/7. I might need some outside help once I leave this flatline and am able to return to life in the way that I want to.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 23, 2021, 11:02:11 AM
16 months today.

Really starting to think that this flatline is going to last longer than 2 years. I still feel awful far more than I feel decent (let alone good).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: kami on February 23, 2021, 04:06:15 PM
@zander13

Do you workout? Have you tried eating certain foods? Dark chocolate is like the best for me to get an erection. I use to be on steroids and after you get off you have ED bad... I looked up all the food to eat to help and eat them all and it worked well for me... and working out helps a lot with blood flow and confidence...
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 23, 2021, 06:40:46 PM
So sick of this bullshit. So fucking angry and I have nowhere to direct it. This shit is pure fucking evil.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: worth_it on February 23, 2021, 08:40:28 PM
Stay strong! You got this!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: kami on February 23, 2021, 09:13:32 PM
Dude you have put in so much work... keep it up... join a fighting gym to get out some anger...
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Robert7M on February 24, 2021, 11:17:20 AM
Don't abandon.

People who succeed to quit PMO are perseverant.
I advice you to read stories of that who succeed, you will see that They had the same idea, and some others thought worst. But they continued, they persevered and they succeed a day, a month, some an year others more than an year.

- The principal fight is about your thought, you must take the control of yourself and of your life. It will not be in a day. It will take time.

- Do your best to be clean just a Day. The next day you'll do the same. And you can just fixe tour yoursel some minimal objectif ( like a day free, three days free, and you will avance them as you are going forward )

- Change your habitudes ( I think it's Habits), your programs, some thing you must leave, some others you must become do that. Take the decision.

- In french we say " Tant qu'il y a la vie, il y a encore de l'espoir".

Don't abandon ! Go forward ! Be courageous !

Salutations !!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 03, 2021, 01:06:54 AM
Thanks for the messages fellas. Good luck to you all.

One week and 16 months PMO free, including masturbation. Not much to report.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 04, 2021, 09:52:02 PM
May have a hernia from all the constipation the withdrawals cause. Fucking awesome.

We'll see if the pain persists tomorrow.