Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: HipbabyJake on July 18, 2014, 08:35:37 PM

Title: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 18, 2014, 08:35:37 PM
Coming soon...
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 20, 2014, 12:29:15 AM
Well, I am sitting here alone, with the open web before me, which is loaded with free pornography websites, especially the ones I am into, female foot fetish pornography, and I ask myself, do I open one and indulge, enjoy the excitement looking up videos until I find one that I know will really get me off and then slowly MB knowing that I dont want to do it to quickly because I know that when its all said and done and the orgasm is over I will be left with nothing but a sticky mess to clean up and deep cutting feelings of shame and regret for the rest of my night, followed by anxiety and depression in the morning, OR do I log on to and begin the long journey ahead of me, start a journal and share about myself and my long long loooooong time addiction?

Tonight I will choose the latter and start by expressing my gratitude that I have for this website tonight to be able to log on and get help.  Because I could so easily do whats wrong instead. 

My name is Jake and I'm an addict.  A porn addict.  Or as you know it a PMO addict.

Well where to start...

I have been addicted to PMO for my entire life.  I started MBing around the age of 5 or 6.  I am 30 years old, which means I have been doing this for 24 years easily and for most of my life I have been doing it daily, sometimes multiple times a day.  I have a desire to stop, but really need some tools to help me do so.  Tonight I have made the right decision to start my journal but as I am sure a lot of you know this addiction is cunning, baffling, and tricky.  For example, I can't promise you that by the time I am done typing this first journal entry out that I won't bring up a site and PMO.  That to me shows me how sick this disease is.  One day at a time is an understatement.  One minute at a time is more like it. 

I would like to take a minute and write about triggers because I think that triggers have a lot to do with relapse.  Tonight being alone by a computer is a trigger.  Being alone anywhere is a trigger.  Knowing that I can get away with it one more time without anybody knowing is a trigger.  But they might not know that I am a PMO addict, but they do know something is wrong with me.  Because I have mental health symptoms and problems and everytime I decide to PMO they get worse.  So being that it does affect me mentally and emotionally in my day to day life is enough for me to have a desire to stop.  But I don't believe a desire is enough.  So I am really here to learn all that this site can tell me or anybody here that is willing to help me learn to live a new way of life, or reboot as you say.
My mind surely needs rebooted.  I do take mental health medicine because I experience intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and paranoia, also some depression.  I usually feel these things all the time and am prepared to live with it the rest of my life if I have to, but as I said after I PMO the symptoms become a lot stronger and almost unbearable.  Sorry I got off the subject a bit, I wanted to look at some of my triggers.  Being alone.  Also my mental health in general.  If I have a bad day mentally I sometimes either feel like I have earned the right to PMO or just want that relief that comes with orgasm.  That is chemical.  So I am aware that something chemical is happening in my brain because of this addiction and I do have hopes that like any addiction with time this will get better.  Another trigger for me is just being horney in general.  If I see a lot of good looking women throughout the day I sometimes want to come back and PMO because my hormons are high.  Then there is the whole foot fetish thing.  Sometimes I feel like I will never find a woman who likes that sort of thing and I am subjected to treat myself with what the internet world has to offer concerning female foot fetish, which believe me is a lot!

Alright so yea I started around the age of 5.  That is young.  I have turned to PMOing to solve all my problems in life.  It was and is my way to escape reality, which reality for me is bad mental health and a hard world to live in.  I am a virgin as far as real sex goes with a woman.  I have ALWAYS used PMO.  I'm thinking about doing it right now.  Pressing send on this thing and going and doing it.  Oh and another thing about this is it consumes like hours of my time.  I will spend 30-60 minutes just surfing and watching before I actually start touching myself.  Then after I do find a video I like and get off I will surf and build up and do it again.  Hours can just pass me by like nothing.  But anyways, I think I talked about it enough for tonight.  I am going to log off here and walk away and get on my knees and pray.  I am open to any comments, sorry I only talked up to this point.  I need to go pray and go to bed, it is 1:30 in the morning and it is not good for me to be on this computer right now because I dont trust myself.  Thank you and God bless.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: PMOVictory on July 20, 2014, 01:31:37 AM
HI Jake

Glad to see you here. I can relate to you with a lot of what you are saying. However I'm in it longer than you also starting at the same age. I don't really have any fetishes, but porn in general did it for me. And as time went by with the internet and videos the general mundane scened eventually would not do it for me. So I had to continually step it up with more "daring" stuff. Lesbians, Gays, Shemales, Group, Orgys, Gangbangs, etc.
Glad to se your awareness of triggers. It is fare enough to know it and try to steer away from it, the thing is it is easier said than done coz the damn things is there are so many of them, and wherever you go you will find another trigger. Even ones that you can not remember will all of a sudden pop up.
I notice that you are religious and trust in God for help. This is good! Very good! If it works for you then no one can tell you that you are wrong. I'm a Christian myself and are pleading the blood of my Saviour and Redeemer over my life every day. Especially since I started my reboot. Now realising that He is not only my Creator but most of all my Re-creator!

Reading all you can about the addiction will empower you with the tools you need. Reboot Nation and YBOP is a good place to be. The power in writing your journal also has an effect on you, putting things in perspective and helping you to make sense of it. It is like having your own shrink, but at a rate that is free, and who can say no to the free services of someone that can be of so much help? Not me!
So glad you are here! keep on reading. Keep on posting your journal. Keep on praying, there is power in the blood of the Lamb!

Stay strong and be blessed.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: tom46017 on July 20, 2014, 04:26:26 PM
Hey, buddy.  I just read your message.  I will try to help by being an accountability partner. 

You write pretty well.  You must be pretty educated.  Did you go to college?  Do you have a job?  What do you do for a career? Do you have a girl friend? I assume you are single. 

Most of those questions about me can be read in my posts.  I sent you a reply on how to read my posts.

Do one thing for me.  Go to  Sean Stewart has a lot of videos on there.  They have helped me a lot.  Let me know what you think?

I think it would be best for you to send e-mails to me directly to my e-mail address.  That way I do not have to go into RebootNation to see what is there.

My e-mail address is     [email protected]

I am porn free since June 25.  Most of my progress is due to Sean Stewart.  Stay in touch buddy.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 22, 2014, 10:01:52 PM
Well today is 2 full days successfully completed without acting out.  I feel more mental clarity already which is crazy, but I am still having a lot of bad mental health symptoms.  I may have to accept living with these the rest of my life, but I do believe they will improve as I get more time clean.  I also believe that renewing my mind will help.  I really really need some material on addiction education and stuff.  I also want to do as I have seen others do, and that is get to the root of my addiction.  I was taught that acting out sexually is really only a symptom of the disease.  The real problem lies in me and my mind, emotions, values, and stuff like that.  Maybe the 12 steps will help if I work them.  I am going to do all I can though to stay clean, learn, change, and become a better man, one that can live with a good relationship with God and proper relationships with other males and females.  I hope one day to have a woman I can call my own and experience a real relationship with her and be free from these obsessions and compulsions and addictions.

God bless.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 23, 2014, 06:53:56 PM
Today is day 3 almost completed of staying clean.  Thanks to God.  I am learning things from also which is a good site for sexual addiction recovery.  Check it out.  I am also learning that it is good to get out into public and be around normal women and men too.  It is good to learn about my addiction and also about living life on lifes terms in God's world.  Prayer has really helped me as God definately answers prayers and cares.  The Word is truth and friends are good.  Jesus is not only my creator but my re-creator!  Amen.

God bless.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 24, 2014, 08:43:31 PM
Day 4 almost completed.  Not so great.  A lot of mental health problems.  Obsessive thoughts, paranoia, anxiety, and irretability.  Almost gave in today.  Somehow God got me through.  I am not really looking fowards to life like this.  I can only hope that it gets better.   :-[
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 30, 2014, 05:09:59 PM
Okay, so I relapsed on Saturday I think it was.  Today I have 3 days clean again.  This is a challenge.  I need to do all I can to learn about my addiction and how to overcome it.  I must work the first 3 steps on a day to day basis.  This is not a joke.  My mental health makes it harder because I am dual diagnosed.  I am in a recovery program and have about 5 more months to go in it.  NOW IS THE TIME to work on recovery.  I must trust God, even when my mental health is acting up and I have a bad day, or bad moments in a day.  I will try to make this as fun as possible, but must realize its not all going to be fun, it is going to be work.  I have turned to compulsions so long and acting out as a way to deal with pain and get relief through instant gratification that my brain instantly wants to go there, that is addiction.

I need to become compulsive about working out again.  It helps me stay positive about myself, lets me get natural endorphins moving around, and gives me hope that one day a woman will find me attractive physically.  Plus I need to stay plugged in to God and follow His ways.  I need family, support, and new hobbies.  Tonight I am going to look closer at what I can do for some new hobbies.
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: HipbabyJake on July 31, 2014, 09:30:05 PM
4 days today.  One day at a time with God!
Title: Re: !Operation Reboot Jake!
Post by: PMOVictory on August 16, 2014, 08:52:47 AM

It's been a while since you posted anything.
Hope all are well and that you are recovering.
Keep on educating yourself and make sure that you know your enemy. This will be the greatest tool and gift you can give yourself.

Stay strong and be Blessed!