Age 31 - Time to buckle down and do it

readytobefree

Active Member
Short Bio:
31 years old
P for 16-17 years
Been trying to quit for 6 years
Longest streak: 19 days hard mode.

I'm here to finish what I started.

Sometime ago I decided to leave the forums because I felt, "the less I thought about this, the better".

BUT.. I guess I have pretty low will power at the moment. I kept failing. Anyway, I like when I did some solid streaks on here and have decided to come back and get to a year while writing in this public forum.

I like all the positive comments and hope my journey can help other people as well.

I'm currently 6 days clean. Just had sex with my girlfriend last night (although I had to focus and perhaps fantasize on other women to keep hard but after penetration I could finish just fine thinking about her).

Do I have ED? Yes definitely. DE? No, I can cum just fine once I'm inside a girl.

I've experienced HOCD and morphing sexual attraction as a result of hardcore watching. I've been watching P for about 16-17 years. I would say i'm straight but all that porn has totally desensitized me. Anyway, I think on day 4 i had INTENSE HOCD feelings, but the very next day, they disappeared.

It's all about FIGHTING, I feel. I doubt I can just ignore my addiction and it'll disappear. It's a very real physical feeling and I have to be alert all the time.

Anyway, I'm here to do it once and for all. Thank you for reading.
 

Mikel

Active Member
Yep, if we could ignore it and it magically goes away, none of us would be here.

Welcome to the forum buddy. Like you I stayed away from this website and a couple of others for a bit, not that I was cured. I just didn't think they were working for me at the time, although looking back, that was me not working my recovery, nothing else.

Try keep active on the forum as much as possible. For me, it keeps me accountable. I've also been trying to quit for a long time and it's only now where I've been getting somewhere.

Good luck and stay strong.
 

readytobefree

Active Member
Day 8 Complete

Hey guys, really happy to update that I've been keeping busy and so far no problems.

Had sex twice recently, both were successes! Once on sunday, the other time on Valentine's day night. It was straight I thought it would be harder to get it up the 2nd time, after expending all my energy the first encounter. But I was actually harder the 2nd time. Funny, that.

Just don't watch porn, no digital stimulation, keep it all real. Get away from your digital devices when you're not working!
 
ready...

I'm glad you were able to "get on" on V-day.  I wasn't so lucky (fortunately, the following morning I made up for it.)

Best of luck in your recovery.

Steddy
 

readytobefree

Active Member
Day 11 Complete

I'm on a very good run but I won't lie, today I had some brief thoughts about viewing.

We had sex last night, and it was successful. HOWEVER, I did and have been using alot of fantasy during sex, sometimes P, sometimes other women. I'm not proud, but I got the job done, she was really happy, and I'm onto another day. I'd be really happy when the day comes that I can focus 100% on what's going on in the bedroom and not just 50%.

I was very sick a couple of weeks ago and finally got out of it. Now I'm back in the gym and am eating way healthier too.

Being in a relationship and living with my partner makes for interesting situations but it also forces some discipline and understanding.

I should mention we had a TERRIBLE fight on sunday night because another girl started calling me in the middle of the night (no, i'm not cheating on her, but i have flirted with this girl) and she blew up big time. She said that she should just leave because I've seemed so distant the last 2 years. I barely managed to patch it up by the end of the night and I thought everything would crumble right then and there.

Luckily things cooled down and I dicked her hard on Valentine's day and it appears all is forgiven. You know what they say about girls and a good dicking.

LOL, this is a terrible journal.

Anyway see you guys!
 

anhaedra

Active Member
I'm all for dicking, don't get me wrong. But this is indeed a terrible journal entry. ;)

At least for me, treating women with more respect is one of the most important changes to make. A good dicking is not the same as forgiving. And some girl calling you in the middle of the night is not just flirting.
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Welcome to the forum!  Glad to have you here. 

We're both around the same age, and I struggle with unwanted HOCD/SSA (same sex attraction).

I'd encourage you to make one of your goals to see how distance from P changes your view of women.  I know when I'm immersed in P my view of both men and women are dramatically different. They are sex-objects, not human beings.  I don't want to read too much into your post, but I do know from experience in myself and other guys, that P desensitizes us to the humanity of others.

Stop the flirting, and be the man that your girl wants you to be.  You'll never regret it.  Now is the time, and we're all here cheering you on.
 

readytobefree

Active Member
Day 12 Complete

What up guys! It's your boy here, going strong.

Absolutely deserve all the grief for being a scandalous dick, but I need to be honest in this thing. At least maybe some of you might read this and can identify with some of the feelings I'm going through in my journey. I don't anyone WANTS to be a cheater, and believe me, neither do I.

About a month ago, before my girlfriend started living with me, I was still going hard with the P, and the moment she lived with me, I forced myself to put an end to it. Cue BRUTAL withdrawals.

So much so, that that big fight went down where she accused me of not being into her, cheating, being distance and being a different person. I defy any person to be in a relationship, watch a TON of porn and be absolutely square in the head. Anyway I didn't tell her about my PMO addiction, I just said "give me time, I'll turn this all around" and barely got through the night.

I'm curious what you guys say when you say "you don't look at women as objects but as real people". I find it's the opposite with me. When I was still porn addicted, real women and women in general didn't cut it for me, hence the ED. A naked woman had no effect on me. I'm finding now that i'm off porn, I'm as horny as a 13 year old again. I think it's a good thing. Maybe you guys are just way more mature than me, but I'm finding women sexier and sexier, and no it's not because they are real people, but because they are just doggone sexier in every way.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback, I'm going to keep it real and keep posting. Till I get to 365 hopefully, peace out!
 

anhaedra

Active Member
I can be like that, too, at times. Perhaps it's just natural machismo.

I think what porn did to my perception of women, is slightly different. I've become extremely picky. No, they don't have to look like porn stars, I'm into lean, "flat" girls anyway. But I'm just so critical of any kind of imperfection. I'm really analyzing their bodies as if it's a field study or something. Somehow I take great pride in how I notice all the details in their faces and such, but truth is I'm just preoccupied with physicality.

I don't treat them badly, that's not like me. But I'm especially turned off by the slightest bit of fat. As I'm 33, meeting women of my own age and finding them attractive is becoming increasingly hard. I can actually get upset or angry, seeing all these women letting their bodies waste away and not having the faintest idea or determination to do something about it.

Not sure what part of the above is porn-induced or just plain honesty... :D But I'm giving myself a hard time finding a partner at any rate.
 

readytobefree

Active Member
Day 14 Complete

Feeling much better after 2 weeks. Horny as hell, checking out every woman I see. Eating well, sleeping well and returned to the gym.

Most important is my mind has settled down more, it was a little crazy at the beginning of last week.

19 days is my best streak ever, I wonder if now I can beat that for the first time.

Do I still fantasize about P? Yeah I do, but I just let it happen and let it naturally drift away. I don't worry about whether fantasy is hurting or harming me. As long as I'm not watching P or masturbating, I'm good.

I like to look at real women, my gf, anything REAL. I don't want any digital stimulation. It's all got to be real visual, real smells, real interactions. That's what I'm looking to do.

Also, improving my will power. I've had shockingly bad willpower or frontal cortex control the last 15 years. It's amazing that I'm keeping a life together. Who knows, maybe after a year I'll be doing amazing things, once I've conquered my mind!
 

readytobefree

Active Member
Day 3 Complete

Noooo I relapsed. It was a monday, my day off. I always die on the day off.

It wasn't a massive binge session, just a really short P session, but I felt the damage and decided to reset the counter.

It's okay, I learned to be wary of my day off and try to keep busy on that day.

Gonna keep strong and get to that 3 week mark!
 

anhaedra

Active Member
Days off are the biggest challenge, same here. I failed twice so far and it was simply a matter of lying in bed, no reason to get up, and too much time to think and get dirty thoughts.

I guess trying to be productive on days off is the solution. One of the virtues of living porn-free is having more time for real activities. Better make use of that.

Keep it up, man!
 
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