Trying to change course

Currently I'm 26 days in.  There have been easy days and not such easy days.  I haven't experienced any "coming out of a fog" or clarity of thought.  I do feel better about myself though.  I appreciate not having to look over my shoulder, always being afraid of being caught.  I appreciate that the relationship between my wife and I might be getting better.  Sex is better. 
    I've got an impossible goal:  To try and make myself worthy.  I've gotten my soul dirty.  My first attempt was to forfeit my life.  It took me a while to realize that is what I did though.  I put myself in the position to save other people while putting myself in peril.  I tried to "buy" my soul back by doing this.  I did it, a bunch.  It wasn't enough.  I was still dead inside; not right; different; damaged.  With some assistance I figured out what I had done and why.  That's when I realized I had a seriously damaged soul.  I've got a LOT of work to do to fix it.  Attempt #1 didn't work. so I'm on attempt #2:  Actually address the problem.  That's why I'm doing this.
    I've had lots done by me and to me sexually.  I'm going to try and put that right.  I don't really know what "normal" is but I'm going to try to get there.  I do know what abnormal is.  Engaging in PMO is abnormal.  Most everything we've ever seen in P is abnormal.  Bringing those things into your relationship is abnormal.
    So I quit.  (Well, ok.  It was 50% this and 50% things coming to a head with my wife.)  My sincere hope is that I'll make my soul healthy again and feel some sort of Divinity come back into me.  I know there is Something out there, but I've been really far away from It for a long time.  I've seen too much bad stuff done in the name of different people's religion to be able to trust organized religion.  I'm hoping the Something comes back to me.  Cleaning out the PMO will hopefully help set the conditions for this to happen.  We'll see.....

Good to see you, mate. Twenty-six days is a great start. Hang onto that progress and keep healing your brain. The soul will come along for the ride.

Good day, pretty much...  I did have some thoughts/memories intrude.  I swept them away quickly.  Spent the day busy, that really helps.  I've developed a stupid habit from an annoying habit.  (well, annoying to everyone else...not so much to me)  I sing little songs, especially to the dogs when no ones around.  I've noticed my stupid little songs have become shockingly dirty lately.  (come on, if I can admit to being addicted to PMO here, I should be able to admit I sing to my dogs... 8))  When I do this it's just rhyming whatever words pop into my head.  Usually they're just cute little songs, but the words just popping into my head lately are fairly naughty.  I don't have Tourette's or anything.  I'm hoping this is just a phase.  Thankfully the dogs are understanding and non-judgmental!  Its just goofy that I'm straightening my stuff out with regards to what I put into my eyes, but what I have flowing out  of my mouth during these stupid little songs is nasty.

The Dude Wannabe said:

Good day, pretty much...  I did have some thoughts/memories intrude.  I swept them away quickly.  Spent the day busy, that really helps.  I've developed a stupid habit from an annoying habit.  (well, annoying to everyone else...not so much to me)  I sing little songs, especially to the dogs when no ones around.  I've noticed my stupid little songs have become shockingly dirty lately.  (come on, if I can admit to being addicted to PMO here, I should be able to admit I sing to my dogs... 8))  When I do this it's just rhyming whatever words pop into my head.  Usually they're just cute little songs, but the words just popping into my head lately are fairly naughty.  I don't have Tourette's or anything.  I'm hoping this is just a phase.  Thankfully the dogs are understanding and non-judgmental!  Its just goofy that I'm straightening my stuff out with regards to what I put into my eyes, but what I have flowing out  of my mouth during these stupid little songs is nasty.

Click to expand...

Don't you corrupt those innocent dogs!  . I do the same thing. My guess is that the dirty lyrics are just a phase.

There once was a man from Nantucket, that
Listened to Gary Puckett
When the Union Gap played, by the
Speaker he stayed, til he
Moved and now lives in Pawtucket.

I bet you thought it would be a dirty limerick.
From reading the very first glimmer; ick!
But the poem turned around
On the high road it's found
So you see, you should not be a cynic.

I'm very sick, I can do this stuff all day. 

I've lived through another day.  (quick funny story: last night I told my wife I was at 28 days.  She's in a medical related grad school so her reply was, "you've officially made it one menstrual cycle".  It was kind of funny.  She being real supportive of me actually.)  The wife gave me some good feedback last night.  Said she finds me more peaceful and that I have more energy.  Good news.  Happy wife; happy life!
    Things aren't a struggle for me, but they're not really easy.  As soon as I relax my guard goes down and I have a wrong thought or flash back memory.  I figure this will ease with time.  This thing will be fixed someday.  I know I won't be able to watch a little porn.  I know that old patterns and habits can be re-established all too quickly and easily.  Sometimes I wonder if this is all going a little too easily and I won't REALLY learn my lesson until I screw up and have to fight my way back.  I hope not.  I want "complete" recovery, but I'm just not sure what that takes.  I'm a "checklist" kind of guy.  If there was a list of things you had to do to earn recovery that would be cool.  Knowing there isn't a map is scary to me. 

The Dude Wannabe said:

I've lived through another day.  (quick funny story: last night I told my wife I was at 28 days.  She's in a medical related grad school so her reply was, "you've officially made it one menstrual cycle".  It was kind of funny.  She being real supportive of me actually.)  The wife gave me some good feedback last night.  Said she finds me more peaceful and that I have more energy.  Good news.  Happy wife; happy life!
    Things aren't a struggle for me, but they're not really easy.  As soon as I relax my guard goes down and I have a wrong thought or flash back memory.  I figure this will ease with time.  This thing will be fixed someday.  I know I won't be able to watch a little porn.  I know that old patterns and habits can be re-established all too quickly and easily.  Sometimes I wonder if this is all going a little too easily and I won't REALLY learn my lesson until I screw up and have to fight my way back.  I hope not.  I want "complete" recovery, but I'm just not sure what that takes.  I'm a "checklist" kind of guy.  If there was a list of things you had to do to earn recovery that would be cool.  Knowing there isn't a map is scary to me.

Click to expand...

The map is simple, just stay away from porn and maturation. Go another 28 days and you'll be amazed at where you end up.

Well Gents, I'm still standing.  Busy day.  Normal work day then it was warm enough to do some work outside when I got home.  Cleaned up a bunch of scrub and brush.  It was nice to be outside and working with my son rather than wasting time doing other things.  No real issues with the day.  No desire to do anything inappropriate.  That's cool.  I'm enjoying some positive vibes from the wife.  I think she's proud of me and it is showing.  I'd like to get back to having a close / fun relationship with her.
    Wish I had something I need you all to help me with at the moment.  That would make the post more interesting.  Instead I'm getting into the swing of my hero, the big Lebowski and this Dude is just abiding.  That's pretty nice.

Pretty good day.  Frustration at work, but it isn't being dealt with in any negative manner.  I talked with my wife and have been extremely busy working/doing chores/etc.  That helps.  No occurrences of flashback thoughts, or tickles of desire.  I'm still envious (or confused, I don't know which) of those that say they have increased clarity.  I feel good/nice, but ascribe that to honesty with my wife and a lack of worry regarding screwing up and somehow breaking some law involved with P.  (Did you hear about that huge dragnet operation the other day that netted so many guys, yes all guys, in so many countries?  I wasn't involved in anything like that, but could you just imagine getting caught up in something like that?!?  horror, shear horror.)  I feel cleaner. 
    Not sure how long until, or if, my soul will blossom.  All I can do is try to keep myself "clean" and keep an open heart.

You're doing great. Don't worry about the clarity thing, it may be that you were less afflicted than some of us.

I agree with LTE... everyone has slight variations on the whole experience. I found a sense of clarity after 45-65 days but I came to realize my post PMO brain fog was really heavy and severe! So it was nice to move out of that state.

You are making solid progress.

I'm still here.  Doing well.  Didn't post last night due to being very busy.  Feeling good about the weekend.  I expect no difficulties.  (of course that probably means I should be highly vigilant!)
Hope all is going well for all!

The Dude Wannabe said:

I'm still here.  Doing well.  Didn't post last night due to being very busy.  Feeling good about the weekend.  I expect no difficulties.  (of course that probably means I should be highly vigilant!)
Hope all is going well for all!

Click to expand...

Be vigilant, but don't be fearful. You have already gone through most of the bad stuff. There will still be temptations from time to time and when they come remember the value of the progress you've already made and don't give in. The temptations will become less and less as time passes.

  I hope not.  I want "complete" recovery, but I'm just not sure what that takes.  I'm a "checklist" kind of guy.  If there was a list of things you had to do to earn recovery that would be cool.  Knowing there isn't a map is scary to me.

Click to expand...

I think everyone's recovery varies. You'll have to continue to abstain and have faith. Like LTE wrote, another 28 days will put you in a better place

Sounds like you are making good progress!  For me, "letting my guard down" meant I created opportunities to act out.  It was always dangerous when I had hours of time to myself, nobody was home, and I was able to isolate.  Staying connected to others, staying active and not isolating were excellent defenses for me against acting out.  It's awesome that you have a supportive spouse!  Keep up the good fight!

I was stupid and weak yesterday.  Now I have to figure out how to reset my counter.  Guess it is time to take my own advice: Get up, dust myself off and try again.  A month of good work over in minutes. 

Dear Dude W.

I don't think you should call yourself stupid or weak! Just human, like the rest of us! Try not to let a mindset of negative self talk set in. I have been there many times brother and it does not help! Shake yourself off asap!

I don't think that month of "good work" is over! Really the progress you have made with those free days will still resonate... this is not a linear point A to point B deal. Your competitive side says..."shucks I blew my streak of days" most of us are like that but maybe this is why some men use a spreadsheet to see their progress rather than a linear day counter?

You are okay man, heck , even better than okay , you have been helping many here and that is part of of your recovery too! You are awesome fine sir!

fcjl8 said:

Dear Dude W.

I don't think you should call yourself stupid or weak! Just human, like the rest of us! Try not to let a mindset of negative self talk set in. I have been there many times brother and it does not help! Shake yourself off asap!

I don't think that month of "good work" is over! Really the progress you have made with those free days will still resonate... this is not a linear point A to point B deal. Your competitive side says..."shucks I blew my streak of days" most of us are like that but maybe this is why some men use a spreadsheet to see their progress rather than a linear day counter?

You are okay man, heck , even better than okay , you have been helping many here and that is part of of your recovery too! You are awesome fine sir!

Click to expand...

I concur.

Back to being a "single digit midget".  :-[  Was it worth it?  No.  Guess I should have seen it coming and steeled myself better.  My wife and I fell into a familiar pattern:  She is busy and doesn't have time to stroke my bruised ego.  (I admit it, when she ignores me I get all "boo-hooey".)  I don't do well being or feeling alone.  So I go for a little dopamine fix.  It wasn't a binge; I got in, took care of business and got out.  Does that make a difference?  I don't know. 
    Now I'm back on the wagon.  (It is kind of easy right now.  My back is out again so I REALLY don't feel like engaging in any of this sort of activity.)  Not sure what my strategy will be to deal with the feeling of being alone when my wife shuts me out.  I know which strategy not to use....

Dude, as true as it ever will be, you're one of my heroes in this long winding no pmo road. Indeed, it's awesome having a wife to rewire with. However, it's wonderful that you've noticed your triggers. Of all emotions solitude bites the hardest for me also, I'm an extrovert and don't appreciate too much time to myself. I don't see it as a flaw you missing your wife, it engenders a sense of contentment in me, that people can be so committed to their spouses. Your journey thus far, is only a sign of what is to come, and you have plenty yet to offer.

Be Well My Friend