So,I woke up this morning with anxiety,because of thoughts about me not talking to my parents anymore,my weight issues and most importantly this no PMO/MO.I ironically lost 30 lbs,when I got on the scale this morning,and calmed down a little bit.I'm starting to put the pieces together on all of this.I realized that my OCD is one of the major first issues,and my PMO/MO is the next.Maybe I have listed them in the wrong order.Anyhow,I have a grasp on why I turned to MOing and PMOing.It is self soothing and for a moment takes away my problems with how I was raised and how I was made to feel about myself,plus it also plays a huge role in my self doubt. I felt great after I got off the scale and lost more weight,but felt the urge to MO because of the high associated with both feelings of weight loss and the addiction.I spend more time getting off on all these mental "highs" and feelings of euphoria,then actually spending time concentrating on what got me here in the first place.If I stay the course I will not look at all these small accomplishments as a way to start MO'ing.Also,I find this MO'ing/PMOing world a very alone,safe world outside of any relationships I have with family members( ie my wife and children).It's like I am their dad and her husband,but somehow feel disconnected or not part of the family unit.In sense I am living like I did with my parents.It is very hard at this age to have to undo what I always thought was ok.In hind sight I always thought that what I was doing was normal and my family was just the "crazy" family.I didn't realize that what I was doing and how I was acting wasn't normal,and people saw that.My behavior had/has been always euphoric and fast talking/fast paced,and I always saw people as they being not normal.I would blame everyone saying "they are just a bunch of drips',when in reality the score was myself 1 the normal people of the world 500,000,000.In fact,as I have been rebooting,I have been able to calm down a little and ask people,in casual conversation,who I see as pretty stable and good parents,what their home life was like growing up.Everyone one of them talk about their parents with such admiration.Again,I don't what their sexual life is like,but I doubt highly they have MO/PMO addictions based on their successful businesses,and the love I see between their wives and them.Again,it could all be an act...but I doubt it.I also noticed that I don't throw little sexual innuendos into conversations anymore.I think before I speak.I want to,but realize that that is not the way to recovery .I think I am right now going through some serious withdrawl..anxiety,restless sleep,more compulsion to MO,and spikes out the wazoo.I will weather this storm and have so far. At this age of 45 I have wasted the first half of my life with sexual obsessions and leading a life that I now know was somewhat hedonistic.I don't want to go back to that..it's not respected and it is not admired.