New member

Morning to everyone.I found this forum through YBOP and have been no PMO for over a month and no MOing to fantasy for almost 2 weeks.To be brutally honest,this process is driving me nuts.I have been having awful sexual spike thoughts the last couple of days.In the beginning when I started it left me almost suicidal and housebound.I was afraid to go in public for fear of acting out.In the last couple of weeks things have eased up a little.I stopped drinking alcohol,I have been very productive at work ( because I need to keep my mind off of things),but feeling very depressed.In the last month I have gotten a lifetime of research brought to me and I have got to to stay strong,to reach a lifetime of happiness.

Most of my sexual stuff is HOCD/OCD based which is pretty much consuming my life at this point.I still know if I stay the course everything will come together.I hope I can get some support here,because I really need it.Thanks
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
Hang in there Grappler,

Better days are definately ahead.  We all have the strength inside us, it is up to each one of us to find it and then embrace it.  I am at 120 days today - and you can get there too.  It is all about pursuing other activities, healthy activities to replace the P & M.  You are here, that is the first and most important step.

This is a great site, welcome - you are not alone.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
Good morning Grappler,
you've arrived at a safe place.
I'm gonna be straight up and tell you there is going to be some bumps in the road.
I too am trying my best to deal with the depression that comes with trying to change
my lifestyle for the best. And that's porn/fap free.

Every once in a while, I've snapped at people and have been irritable other times.
Just the other day, I yelled at this lady across the counter at Panda
Express because I thought she was serving someone behind me in line
before me. Turned out she already finished my dish.
Of course when I learned that, I walked up to her and apologized.
But stuff like that is not normal for me because I do not have a temper.
But when you're trying to break a cycle, it's a battle of two forces
trying to control you. The abusive one and the real one.
We want the real one to prevail but it's gonna take a fight.
And you are a fighter!
 
Viper..thanks for the story.I share your sentiments my brother..I share your sentiments.I too am extemely irritable,but I'm trying so hard to control it,when in reality I want to smash my head against a wall.It has eased up from the first week.I thought I was going to hire a dump truck to run over my head to just rid me of the misery...but I'm still here and want to get better so badly.I know this is the sucky part of the recovery ( the first month or so),and at this point I don't want to start all over again.At first when I started this journey I was looking weeks,even months into the future,now I take this day by day,hour by hour.My only ray of hope in all of this is the awesome recovery stories from so many people on here.Thanks my brother for reaching out and giving me a little info of your battle..be well.

savingmysoul..your words are kind my friend.I think at think at this point of my rebooting process,I would only think things could get better,because they can't get much worse..lol.In all seriousness,everyday I am becoming more and more commited to this and don't want o live this miserable life of no sex or relationship with my wife.One thing is that I have noticed is I am not flying off the handle on her like I did before and I am approaching tough situations in a less volatile manner.I hope all this can get better,but for now I am going to approach this with an "everyday to get better" approach
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
Hey There -

I also have lost that edge, wanting to snap and scream - i was just plan crotchety before i accepted my issue.  Things have definately mellowed out for me.  Just because i drop something is no reason to scream obscenities.  Things happen.  I was one irriatble guy.

but that has past, i no longer want to break things - i thought that is just the way i was, but with everything i have researched and experienced - i understand that i do not have to be that way.  through this process there are a LOT of things that do not have to be that way.

I just started month 5, things are not perfect, but they are better.  My SO is also struggling to support me in my reboot, and she has her own issues to work through.  Point is - the road in is rough, and some days are going to suck.  the best quote i have seen is, "Do not give up what you want the most, for what you want now."  that says it all.  There are better days ahead.  You can stay strong.
 
I went out to dinner last night with a friend of mine to a cigar bar.All these guys where talking about Viagra and Cialis like it was no big deal.I was rationlizing to myself that it seems like no big deal to start taking that stuff,which caught me thinking about MO'ing again. The way these guys where talking about all this stuff,made me question why I am on this journey of quitting PMO/MO.These guys were talking about MO'ing like they were talking about buying a sandwich at deli.What was funny is that out of the 5 of us, 3 were divorced.I don't know how to explain it.Anyway,the temptation was so great last night to MO,but I stayed the course and didn't do it.Right now I am 32 days no PMO,and 15 days no MO.It's very tough but it has gotten better.I still get these urges like crazy to get off course and hope this slows down or gets more manageable.

On a side note,this HOCD thing is still baffling me.I know alot of guys don't want to talk about it,because of the homosexual undertones.For me,I am rationalizing this disorder a little better in my brain.Part of me is saying "ok,you have always been attracted to girls,even sometimes very hypo sexual towards them",and the other side is saying "well...why did you start progressing towards lesbian,homosexual and gyno porn?".As much as every member on here justifies to me that the brain wants so much more porn,that it looks for new avenues,my brain tells me  things like "your closeted gay" or "the reason your so hypo sexual to women,is that you are in denial".One thing is that I can't deny my attraction to women,but those homosexual spikes comer into my mind and seem to entice me.I don't know what to think at this point.I am so far into this that now I have no ability to get hard MO'ing and my mind won't let me have sex scenarios to MO ( I stopped watching porn and started using visual fantasy,because porn wasn't getting me off).Be well everyone and I hope this journey leads me to happiness.One last thing..I've noticed my head is much clearer,and things outside( such as Spring air) smells like it did when I was a kid.I also noticed that I am remembering thought processess from over 20 years ago.Is this my mind changing?? Any help would be appreciated.
 
Today was an ok day.I spoke to a SAA mentor last night and he said something that I haven't heard before.That Porn Addiction is on the spectrum of Anorexia..?? Puzzled,I am asked him to explain that because I have had some serious issues with bulimia and eating disorder.I know..a man with an eating disorder?? As sad as it sounds,it is more prevalent then we think.Anyway,my therapist when I ask him a question about my reboot processes he keeps saying "thats because your a sex addict". I think at this point I need more support,so I reached out to SAA to go to a meeting on Saturdays.I don't know what to do with this therapist of mine. All he tells me is to read sex addict books and really doesn't give me any coping mechanisms outside of saying "Hail Mary's" and telling me I'm a sex addict.I really don't want to keep bouncing around,so I am going to ask the "true survivors" of sex addiction if my therapist is doing the right thing.Outside of all of this,I have noticed I am much nicer to my wife,and more attentive to my children.Don't get me wrong,this no fap shit is driving me into the ground,and I am still so scared to death that I will never make love to my wife without wacking my self up to fantasy or taking some bullshit erectile drug.I got back on my diet today,because I really believe my obesity has huge psychological component to all of this,plus I don't want to be statistic to my children.What was also ironic is that my general practioner is a ED specialist and when I asked him about porn and MO with respects to erectile dysfunction, he shook his head and said "do you know how many guys I get in here that are 20 to 50 years of age asking for a weenie drug and the prime problem is porn and masturbation".Anyway,onward to work tomorrow and I am still trying to stay sober.Be well everyone and I hope we can all get better.
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
@ Grappler88
Porn Addiction is on the spectrum of Anorexia..?

I am not sure exactly what he is saying by that... but porn addiction is more like video game addiction, and internet addiction. It happens with chronic consumption leading to addiction related brain changes. Not sure how anorexia fits in there.... I'd love to hear more about where he was going with that if you ever find out. I would guess the vast majority of guys on porn recovery forums do not have eating disorders, I know I did not.

I ask him a question about my reboot processes he keeps saying "thats because your a sex addict"

Porn addiction is NOT sex addiction. This is a very common problem because the majority of people do not understand the difference between the two.

First of all, porn addicts with porn induced ED cannot even have sex. Many have never even had sex. Furthermore, some cannot masturbate without porn. Saying a guy with PIED is a sex addict makes about as much sense as telling someone who is unable to eat they are addicted to food. Or like telling a video game addict who plays only Madden on XBox, he is addicted to playing Football, even though he has never played football in real life.

Porn addiction is an addiction to pixels on a screen not people in person.

Can someone be addicted to both. Absolutely, but they are not one in the same.

For more check out this article: http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-addiction-not-sex-addiction-and-why-it-matters

Hope that helps. Just my two cents.

I would continue going to meetings and talking about this with as many people as you can and getting all the support you can. But I just wanted to let you know that they are not the same.

Keep truckin man... stay patient and stay strong.. If porn is the problem your brain can heal the rest of your life. There is hope
 
Gabe..I am asking myself the same thing...why is he is saying this? I thought sex addicts where people who went out and had sex with everyone.I don't do that.My main problem is that I have porn/fantasy induced ED.I can get it up with fantasy and porn,just not sex itself.I am new to all of this,and I am unfortunately trusting with what so called "experts" say. Who should I trust?? The internet forum anonymous people or the therapist who says I am a sex addict?? It's a painful,alone battle that keeps my trust in all this to a very low capacity.Sure it's easy for my therapist to see me once a week and get his 45 minute payday,tell me things I already know,and basically leave me shaking my head saying "I don't know who to believe".Every friggin therapist is a self righteous wacko,with different opinions. If you ask me,this whole HOCD crap makes me think that it's a made up term for men with latent homosexual tendencies,that put a label on it to cover up true desires.Again..I'm new to this and what do I know.All I know is that I have been MO'ing to fantasy and porn since I was 11/12,stayed out of relationships from ages 19 to 32,essentially MO'ing to porn and fantasy,densesitizing myself to the real thing,and now here I am at 45 trying to get some answers and getting pulled in 10 different directions.One thing is for sure,I know I have a problem with MOing and a problem with intimacy issues.You think I want to spend my spare time talking to a online forum group about all of this,if it didn't bother me? I only stay with this therapist because everyone gets pissed at me for bouncing around...but it seems like not too many therapist are able to treat this.They all look at the friggin clock telling you surface info that my electrician, who is some what intuitive,could tell me. Gabe,regarding the Anorexia comment.I remember in your video you said you came from a good home life and your mind got drawn to an addiction.I on the other hand came from a very abusive,cold family life where my weight was constantly ridiculed.I am sensing he is making the connection because of food being at the top of the "human/animal" food chain and sex being the second thing.It will be interesting to find out.One thing I also noticed is,is when I do write on these forums for more insight,things don't get answered,leaving me shrugging my shoulders,going back to thinking "Yup...the initial greetings where great,but my therapist is the only one continually talking about this because..heck..he gets paid for it".You understand where I am going with this... right Gabe? I know there is no magic pill for recovery. I do know this one thing.Since I have started this process,I have become a better dad and husband.Have become more productive and have had less urges to be a "creeper". So,where do I go from here? Continue seeing this therapist? Keep blogging to minimal support? or just resume my life of MO'ing to fantasy and pretty much never have a sex life again? What is expected from people as a response is "you have to figure that out for yourself".I can't figure this out myself!!..I'm only 33 days without porn and 13 days without MO'ing..thats not going to cure or give answers to someone who has been doing this for 30+ years of his life.Anyway,I hope these blogs of mine don't fall on deaf ears,because it's a frustrating  process.
 

Mojo

Member
Grappler. I am reading and listening to your posts.  They are very helpful me.  I have been to a few therapists over the years and have found that they did not have an answer for this problem.  To each I discussed erectile dysfunction and my 1st comments were about masturbation and each time the answer was if you can get erect during masturbation then that is not the problem and we worked on anxiety.  I did get some great help in dealing with stress and anxiety, but little help with ED and intimacy issues.  My take is that I need to listen to myself, others can offer advise and support, but the bottom line is that I need to clear my own head and make changes that help me on a path to intimacy with real people.
 

fcjl8

Active Member
Hi grappler,

I think I might know you from the other forum?? Glad you are still working on your recovery! That is great.

Keep writing and interacting with others... it helps so much!

All the best sir.
 
fcjl8..Yes,I go under a different name on Your Brain Rebalanced.Kind of felt that there was some favorites posting to each other.I find this forum a little smaller and somewhat more helpful.I wasn't looking for people to keep responding to me all the time,but I basically got barely any input.If I did,it was the same old pep speeches.I appreciated them,but not the insight I wanted and needed.Glad I am over here now.
 

fcjl8

Active Member
So 34 days no PMO and 14 days no M is pretty darn good. However, there is a lot more work before you get full rebalance in my experience. I should not say work, but that is often what it feels like.

I encourage you to keep writing and exploring as you go farther down this path Grappler.

Keep watching Gabe's great vids!

Focus on your wife and kid's and be patient with yourself! This is a big change after decades of use, I know!
 
fcjl8..got a question for you.Have you ever had that tension in your ying yang area in the beginning of your rebooting.It feels like your brain is pushing you to MO and taking it out on your crotch.It's getting easier,but I am still obsessing about all sorts of porn and sexual scenarios.I hope it does get easier.I feel the most tension when I sit at this computer.I have been somewhat strong and have MO'd only 3 times in 33 days,but the resetting process is much easier.I just don't want to keep resetting.The biggest quest is to just have a normal sex life with my wife..the biggest fear and worry is that.Hope you are doing well?
 
So,I woke up this morning with anxiety,because of thoughts about me not talking to my parents anymore,my weight issues and most importantly this no PMO/MO.I ironically lost 30 lbs,when I got on the scale this morning,and calmed down a little bit.I'm starting to put the pieces together on all of this.I realized that my OCD is one of the major first issues,and my PMO/MO is the next.Maybe I have listed them in the wrong order.Anyhow,I have a grasp on why I turned to MOing and PMOing.It is self soothing and for a moment takes away my problems with how I was raised and how I was made to feel about myself,plus it also plays a huge role in my self doubt. I felt great after I got off the scale and lost more weight,but felt the urge to MO because of the high associated with both feelings of weight loss and the addiction.I spend more time getting off on all these mental "highs" and feelings of euphoria,then actually spending time concentrating on what got me here in the first place.If I stay the course I will not look at all these small accomplishments as a way to start MO'ing.Also,I find this MO'ing/PMOing world a very alone,safe world outside of any relationships I have with family members( ie my wife and children).It's like I am their dad and her husband,but somehow feel disconnected or not part of the family unit.In sense I am living like I did with my parents.It is very hard at this age to have to undo what I always thought was ok.In hind sight I always thought that what I was doing was normal and my family was just the "crazy" family.I didn't realize that what I was doing and how I was acting wasn't normal,and people saw that.My behavior had/has been always euphoric and fast talking/fast paced,and I always saw people as they being not normal.I would blame everyone saying "they are just a bunch of drips',when in reality the score was myself 1 the normal people of the world 500,000,000.In fact,as I have been rebooting,I have been able to calm down a little and ask people,in casual conversation,who I see as pretty stable and good parents,what their home life was like growing up.Everyone one of them talk about their parents with such admiration.Again,I don't what their sexual life is like,but I doubt highly they have MO/PMO addictions based on their successful businesses,and the love I see between their wives and them.Again,it could all be an act...but I doubt it.I also noticed that I don't throw little sexual innuendos into conversations anymore.I think before I speak.I want to,but realize that that is not the way to recovery .I think I am right now going through some serious withdrawl..anxiety,restless sleep,more compulsion to MO,and spikes out the wazoo.I will weather this storm and have so far. At this age of 45 I have wasted the first half of my life with sexual obsessions and leading a life that I now know was somewhat hedonistic.I don't want to go back to that..it's not respected and it is not admired.
 

Mojo

Member
Grappler good to hear your revelations.  I think it is important for us to understand that it was our choice to use MO/PMO.  I would also be leery of concluding that the people you talk with do not MO/PMO.  I am sure that many if not most of the people on this forum looknormal to the outside world.  If we have been able to hide this from our wives, girlfriends and significant others hiding from casual acquaintances should be easy.
 
So,I've been pretty sick the last two days,which has helped my no Mo'ing. I am very much in a very numb stage.Not numb like "out of it",but numb to the fact that I don't want to have sexual thoughts running through my mind all day. Maybe some of the members on here can help me with this.It is very hard to visualize anything right now.My mind is pretty much blank to where I was before all of this...is this a good sign?.On a good side I have not been yelling anymore,I have been so focused on my business and family ( probably because I have to channel my mind off of MO),stopped drinking alcohol and have lost 30 lbs.Ok..thats all well and nice,but I almost feel like my mind won't let this good ride continue.Like it is just a matter or time till my  mind starts to fuck with with me again.Also..just two more questions if anyone can help me out.I've noticed that I am remembering things that I completely forgot about my childhood ..some are painful and some are "oh..I remember that"..is this part of the reboot process? Also,since I started the reboot process,I have MO'd twice,now my mind will absolutely not let me get going with any fantasy MOing..is this flatlining or my mind just saying"enough with the wacking off already!!!".Because once I start Mo ing again,my mind brings back all the painful thoughts.Sorry to sound graphic guys,but I want to see where I stand with all of this.Be well everyone and hope you have a great week.
 

CrazyGopher

Active Member
Grappler88 said:
I've noticed that I am remembering things that I completely forgot about my childhood ..some are painful and some are "oh..I remember that"..is this part of the reboot process?

I have noticed something similar, although it's not widely discussed.

It may be related to the enhanced dream recall some guys report while rebooting. A lot of times I recall these memories while in the hypnagogic state (just before falling asleep).
 
CrazyGopher..thanks brother.I thought I was hallucinating or it was the MOing trying to come back through painful dreams.I would like to know more about this "enhanced dream recall". What I noticed is that during this process,I have been living my life on rewind.It started with the MOing being a problem,then I started to get feelings of when I was living my life in the 90's,and actually drove through a spot that I spent so much time and it felt like I was back in that time again.Then high school,memories,the music and all the other stuff started flooding my mind and I started getting anxiety.Now I am currently having alot of early childhood memories that are more painful.Whatever it is,I have to ride it out.I hope this is a good sign,because I feel like I am in a state of euphoria.
 

fcjl8

Active Member
Hey Grappler, you are doing well! Making solid progress, learning and gaining insight and wisdom. This is all important for your recovery Grappler... it is the journeyman type of phase in the process.

Stay well buddy! This is all good.
 
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