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Topics - summercicada90

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So here's the long, twisted background to my story.

I'm 26, almost 27. And have never had a girlfriend. And was okay with not having a girlfriend (maybe I was just convincing myself of it because I thought I was unattractive and unfit to have one,) until my first trip to Japan. That's where I was egged into asking a girl on a date (even though I had less than 2 weeks until I was back in the States) and when I asked her she said yes. The date never happened, but getting a "yes" to a simple date was eye-opening and hope-igniting. This was 3 years ago, and was the first of several eye-opening moments for me, most of which happened in the last 8 months.

Suddenly I wanted a girlfriend, because I knew I could get one. I still didn't feel emotionally lonely without one; all I wanted a girlfriend for was sex. Which, of course, was because I'd watched so much porn, and the idea that I could have my own moment that was anything remotely similar to what I saw on the screen, was beyond tantalizing. I wanted it more than the world.

Of course, 3 years ago was also when the Julien Blanc video blew up on the internet, and I found myself genuinely disapproving of what he was saying. About going to Japan just to find loose girls in Roppongi who like you just because you look white, shoving their head into your crotch, taking them to a love hotel and whipping out your belt to make them submit, shit like that. (I wonder how heavily influenced Julien's mind is by porn. But I digress.)

I grew up in a Christian household, where my parents said I have the choice to do whatever I want with my body and my relationships, but also told me about "what God says is right," and it was obvious that they would be sad and disappointed if their good little boy were to stray off the righteous path. I have really been a good boy, for good reasons, all my life. No drugs, except weed after it became legal, no alcohol until I was a couple weeks away from turning 21, all that good stuff. Anyway, the one thing I did find myself okay with was the idea of having sex with a girl without being married yet. But I did respect my parents' values and morals, and had majored in Japanese in college and was planning on coming to live anyway, so the easy solution was to just not have a girlfriend until I moved out and across the ocean.

Before I ever watched porn, I had some sadistic thoughts and fantasies about ways you could cause pain or discomfort to a girl's lady parts. And I had a feeling that I was the minority in this regard, and I also thought that I was something of a monster for enjoying the thought of this. And that was a fetish that inspired many a porn search for me later in life, which led me to also start watching a lot of nonconsent porn (or consensual but with non-consensual undertones, i.e. Japanese porn,) and all of that porn, in turn, gripped my mind and became something my brain was probably too comfortable having an O to. (I'm using this as a big motivator to stop watching and fantasizing, because I don't want to reenact any of it with a girl I actually like, or hell, even a girl I don't know and am paying for, but I wonder if the reboot will make the sadism go away, when it was there before porn.)

And what Japan was to me, in the porn-poisoned recesses of my mind, was the holy land. There's no religion that is widely accepted by Japanese society telling you not to have sex. The girls make the noises during sex that drove me wild whenever I would watch J-porn. It's a male-dominated society, where train groping is a very real social issue (not that I will EVER even attempt that) and there are lots of kinds of sex industry establishments complete with a physical address and a website, that the law turns a blind eye to because they all pay their taxes. It's behind the times in terms of gender equality, but that's a-okay to the brain on J-porn. Plus, my family has no reason to ever follow me here and check up on me, so even if we talk occasionally, and even if they know I'm sexually active, I don't have to hear what they think about it every waking day. And lots of Japanese guys told me I would be really popular with the Japanese girls, and I believed it because of the "one small step" I'd made three years ago getting a "yes" to a single date.

I applied for the JET Program after I got back home (and didn't get in,) but even as a Japanese major it was super hard at first to think of any motivation to want to come to Japan when I wrote my application essay, other than sex and the idea that there was a harem of Japanese girls just waiting for me to approach them like the eloquently spoken gentleman I am (and not like Julien Blanc, I had to keep reminding myself.) I never asked a white girl out in the meantime, but didn't want to because, well, J-porn was so much more up my alley, and I wanted that to be the amazing first experience that I achieved as a man. (Come to find out that everyone's first time usually sucks anyway. Mine sure did.)

(Post-submission insert: After reading success stories on this forum, I've actually realized that, while sex is a large force behind the motives of all healthy males, there's a borderline toxic level of obsession like this that comes from watching porn. And I've since let go of that obsession. I'll let it come back once my libido comes back independent of porn.)

The weirdest part may be, that I was never attracted to Asian girls before I turned 18. Once I started watching porn, and the Japanese variety specifically sucked me in (slowly at first, my excuse being that it was just to help me study by making all the dialogue and search keywords more memorable,) I eventually became conditioned to see Asians as more attractive than white girls. That's another thing I wonder if I'll lose through the reboot. If the only value my brain sees in them is that it perceives that they can be taken advantage of and forced to orgasm whether or not they want it, like you see in so much J-porn, then that attraction might even go away after I've healed. Although I probably have simultaneously acquired a genuine taste for them visually, where I can have a normal platonic interaction with a Japanese girl and still have my brain acknowledge that she looks cute/pretty/attractive. We'll see.

I never thought I had PIED, because I was able to get it up for a real woman, although I never had an orgasm during sex and would lose my erection, which I chalked up to condoms. One of the girls I was with said that maybe my condoms were too thick, and I clutched onto that idea with every ounce of my being, thinking that if I could just get a girl to have sex on the pill instead of with a condom, it would solve everything. I have yet to test that idea out.

I have been to a happy-end massage (Jan 1st of this year,) and even after getting nice and hard from the tease show I got during the massage, having it stroked didn't do anything for me. I had to be imagining that the girl doing it was being stimulated with a vibrator or something, and then it worked and I had my orgasm.

I'm not sure about masturbating on my own without fantasizing about anything. My gut is telling me I wouldn't be able to get off from pure sensation alone. Which, according to the video I just watched on YBOP, is absolutely an indicator that there's a problem here.

In the past, several people have asked, "Can you get off by masturbating?" and I myself thought they meant masturbating while fantasizing. Which anymore, fantasizing is just replaying porn in my head. So of course I can... But that's not the question, as I'm realizing now. I'm somewhat crestfallen to realize as I introspect that the answer is (probably) no.

In short, even though I can get it up, I can't get it off without the situation being just right. Which is unhealthy because it would involve the same gratuitously violent kind of sex that you see in porn, and/or sadistic behaviors. And I was always to afraid to even try doing that and end up hurting the person I was with, even though most of them have been paid escorts.

At one point, I made plans to meet someone for sex 10 days later, and I was able to go without PMO for the whole 10 days, although I did let myself fantasize a little bit without reaching down to touch myself. Which made it harder, but I made it through. Then the day of truth came, and she told me she wasn't feeling well and wasn't really up to sex but was still willing to meet. So I gave up at that moment and watched porn again before meeting up with her. We ended up going to a hotel after all was said and done, and in the moment, every little touch was the most arousing thing, like I was in high school again. I wasn't able to penetrate, but I chalked that up to inexperience and thought I was okay. I thought there had been nothing wrong with me to begin with, and that I could go right on back to watching porn. My hypothesis was that all I needed to do was not fap for 10 days or more leading up to any given encounter, so that I would have my libido charged up to the brim. But now I think I'm actually in need of a reboot.

This has been my moment of confirmation, that I have a problem and am willing to go the distance to solve it. I'll be writing a lot more in the journal section.

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