Journals > Ages 20-29

Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

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zander13:
May have a hernia from all the constipation the withdrawals cause. Fucking awesome.

We'll see if the pain persists tomorrow.

zander13:
Don't think it's a hernia, thank God. Just a pain that happened to be located in the exact area a hernia can occur.

Depressed today, and not using that word lightly. I never do. I just don't feel happy, and I attribute that to the chemicals and synapses in my brain not functioning correctly. It will pass. All of it will. But I'm very much ready for happier days. Haven't felt true happiness in a long while. I pray that all of this will be worth it in the end. I think it will, but there is still a part of me that thinks that it might not. Time is the only thing that will ever erase that voice that lives within me which says that I'm permanently broken.

Jeks:
Good thing it seemes to be not as serious as you thought.

You are not alone in being depressed. Maybe that can help you a bit lol :) we gotta keep on going man, hopefully it will be over sooner than later. Where there is a will, there is a way.

zander13:
@Jeks: Yes. We will do this together. We're gunna get there. Good to have you with me. It's been a pleasure thus far.

I admit that I went to a woman's instagram to see how she looked, especially what her body shape was. Sounds innocent enough, but that's the kind of thing that can slide you down the rabbit hole rather quickly. I admit to my mistake, and strive to do better. I cannot allow myself to do that sort of stuff. Some people can, but I'm not one of them. I own up to my mistake and look to be more vigilant. I have to be. I'm not at any sort of finish line. I'm not impervious to mistakes. I'm very much vulnerable, and need to remain in control of my thoughts and impulses. There is no room for mindlessness.

I need to get these kinds of things off of my chest and make them public so that I don't hold anything within.

zander13:
16.5 months. Don't know where I'm at on the recovery timeline. Time is moving faster, I'd say. Don't really know what I should take away from that fact.

Still depressed a lot of the time, though I was able to be social last weekend which was really fucking nice.

I'm still under the impression that this flatline will take 2+ years before it's through with me. I just hope that the things I complain about during that timeframe become lesser and lesser evils. Maybe that process is occurring right now, who knows. It probably is, but things are still hard enough that I don't feel as if anything major has happened. It's hard to compare myself to earlier versions because my memory is so shot still. I keep a detailed log of each day, so I use that as my guidepost of improvements/patterns. A lot of my days are still in the dark orange and/or red, so I'm not confident that I'll be out of this flatline any time soon.

The most important thing of all is this: don't fucking relapse, Zander. That's the golden rule of this whole process: don't whack off to porn. Time will take care of the rest.

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