Journals > Ages 20-29

Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

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zander13:
Day 173

Not much to report. I've still been very up and down. The past 3 days I've been in a pretty depressed state, and that was because my body was craving porn. Craving=depression, because all the brain wants is its fix. It'll make you feel as uncomfortable as it can so you feed it what it wants. And it's a fucking strong impulse. It's goal is to catch you in an unaware state of mind. Mindless technology binging is usually how I get there. Watching youtube or reading articles I didn't intend to, one after the other. Videogames are another one. It's all kind of related anyways. It's all massive amounts of pleasure through artificial means. Rewards without effort. Clicking and button smashing. Technology is a major tool for our society, but it also is a major threat. Somedays I'd prefer a world without the internet.

Had a dream last night where I watched porn. Kind of freaked me out, but once I came to I realized it was only a dream, and that I was still okay.

Little over a week until I reach a half year mark, 7 days if I'm counting 180 days as 6 months. I still have a while to go, but the improvements are coming. Slow and steady. I'm thinking 9 months will be the length of my flatline.

zander13:
Day 183

Slow and steady. Not as many changes have occurred over the past week or so, other than the fact that I made it 6 months.

I still have more bad days than good ones, but the bad ones aren't nearly as bad and the good ones are pretty darn excellent. Today, unfortunately, is a bad day, and I can tell by the brain fog and ever constant tugging feeling I am experiencing in my nether regions.

I need to stay vigilant and always be on the prowl, because the last thing I want at this point is a relapse. I never want to experience this rebooting process again. It's something that I need to experience in order to become a man, but going through it more than once would be masochistic.

I really can't wait until I'm at least a year into this journey. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I can tell I'm well on my way though.

6 months though. woo!

zander13:
Day 191

Morning would occurs more than it doesn't at this point in my reboot. I get it 5/7 days. That alone is so ridiculously encouraging to me because it is a phenomenon I never had the pleasure of experiencing the past 25 years I've been alive. It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I cannot stress enough how WORTH IT this journey is. It's hard as hell, but so fucking worth it. I feel like a real human today. I can't imagine what things will be like a year into it. I have so many things to look forward to.

zander13:
Day 14

I'm back. It's been a long road since my last post. Made it 250 days before I relapsed. Since have had streaks of 30, 60, 90, and now back to 14. I've never been closer to the finish line, but need to make sure I tie up loose ends and fix the emotional reasons why I relapse. I need to continue to build up on my values and to create a life that doesn't need the instant gratification of PMO to manage my emotions. Because that's what it turned into--a way to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

God bless everyone here, because we are the only ones who know how difficult it is to break free from this addiction. Especially when you began as a teen or younger. My parents, my friends, my brothers. they don't understand. i think they want to, but it's impossible. Only when you've gone through it can you understand the pain.

Good luck!

zander13:
Day 26

Feeling good. Confident about the success of this final reboot. My mind is strong and my emotions are stable. I feel as if I've slowly but surely replaced the gratification I would get from my addiction with life habits that are more productive/rewarding. It's really a matter of replacing pleasure with authentic happiness/satisfaction with life.

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