40 YO, never married, addicted to porn since 14.

I am 40.  Last year this time I was fat, drunk and almost a hermit.  I worked from home and had little reason to go meet any one.  Then out of no where I started eating better and working out.  I lost around 85 lbs and started feeling great about my self.

I even joined match.com.  I felt great, went on some dates and had a great time.  I met this girl and things went really well.  It sucked.  I couldn't even get a little chub.  We tried a couple times and no dice.  No matter what.  Then it came to me.  All the porn I watched.  Basically ever since I was 14 I have been jacking off almost daily.  I haven't had a girlfriend in over 10 years, and I figured all I needed was porn.

That was in July, and on my first attempt I went 25 days.  Then an emotional bomb shell went off and I relapsed.  since then I have a couple of streaks of 3 or 4 days. 

Yesterday was my last time of PMO.  I refuse to let this win.  I didn't lose all this weight and get healthy just to look good.  I don't want to be lonely anymore.  I don't feel comfortable starting a relationship with some one when my dick seems to be lifeless.

I am still talking to the woman I discovered my PIED with.  She knows about my addiction, but does not want a relationship with me at that level anymore. I can't really blame her.

I really should be in bed sleeping right now, but I can't sleep. My mind is racing.  Well, I am going to try.  I just wanted to join this site and write a short intro.

Welcome HaveToDoThis, you have found the right place!  One thing I will say first off is that you have to do this for yourself.  And if you think of it in terms of "I need to stop having orgasms by myself so I have them with someone else,"  it probably won't work.  Someone once said of masturbation that the "pleasure given exactly equals the  pleasure received."  And your brain knows that.   So you need to take back your life for you.

I wish your new partner understood better.  Personally, I have been pretty lucky to have a very understanding partner, as she has a similar issue (years of vibrator use have left her pretty insensitive.)  So we are working on our issues together. 

One of the things I have learned is that getting to orgasm is not the most important thing, and that PIV is not the only way to get to orgasm.  We have had many hours of what I think of as "semi-sexual play."  Yes, we are naked.  Yes our genitals are involved, but we are not "fucking" and often times we are not even trying to get to orgasm.

And I can honestly say it has been some of the most satisfying "sex" of my life.  I got some of the ideas here: http://www.reuniting.info/

My new way of thinking is that is someone I am interested in is most interested in how hard my penis gets, I am not longer interested in that person.  That is the way I used to think about women and I now realize that is wrong, even if it is a woman thinking that. 

Congrats on all the progress you have made in remaking yourself -- keep going!

Thanks,

I am doing this for me.  One thing she did for me was make me realize how I happy I could be.  I am just trying to focus on myself for a while.  I have some other non PIED issues I have to work out before I feel comfortable starting a relationship again. 

Hi Havetodothis -

Welcome to the Nation.

You are not alone here, and you will find strength here.  OHG is correct - you have to do for yourself before you can do for anyone else.  I would like to share a quote with you - "Don't give up what you want most for what you want today."

There is a better way to live life out there for all of us.  I to am an addict, and suffereing through PIED.  It truly is a process, one day at a time.  You can beat this.

Find your strength and embrace it.

SMS

I am also a member of the nofap sub reddit.  I think I prefer this forum.  Because it seems cleaner and I like the split of the age groups.  I still plan on going there as it seems to be growing everyday.  I am going to try an limit my time here and there, so I am not constantly thinking of NOT PMOing.

I am feeling pretty confident today.  It's only been 3 days, but I managed to fight urges last night.  I hope I can tonight.

I went for a run today.  That is one of my plans, to try and get outside and run/walk or bike everyday.  I do need to find a good hobby or something I can do in my apartment.  Leaving my apartment is probably going to sketchy for a while.  Once that issue is settled I will work on finding local clubs and organizations to join after work.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Well, after I posted. I made dinner for my self and started watching the boob tube.  I started thinking about the ex and started getting sad,  like super sad.  At first I almost started playing a video game.  Instead I went for a walk.

If I keep this up I am going to be an exercise maniac.

Hi Havetodothis40

Someone shared this on my page yesterday (It was a link though and I can't get the link to work here). I found the information empowering and to the point. I've since shared it on another members page here and he said it was good too. So, here it is ..... stay strong.
 




Ok everyone, this is it.

I'm going to reveal to you the #1 secret to overcome pornography addiction.

This is the secret that all successful and enlightened rebooters share.

Those that got into the Hall of Fame already know it, either consciously or unconsciously.

Are you ready for it?

I'm very serious about this.

This is what separates those that go a few weeks without porn to those that go 6+ months without porn.

Most of you here are familiar with Laurynas and Journey to Freedom.

If you're not, then I invite you to check out their journals.

Does it look like they're struggling a lot to stay away from porn?

Are they trying too hard?

No, they're not.

To them, not watching porn is fucking easy. They don't even think about it. They don't even consider it.

Look at what Journey to Freedom posted yesterday:

"I have reached the point in time where staying away from PMO is easier than giving into temptation. I have come to a profound realization - it would be much harder to go back on the path of depression, anxiety, PMO-addiction than it would be to keep abstaining from it."

He's currently on day 153, but I believe he got to that point WAY BEFORE he realized it. Probably during the very early days of his reboot.

He was already at that point when he started his journal back on day 70:

"Even as I sit here in front of my computer talking to some friends and catching up on some schoolwork, I have absolutely ZERO desire to ever go back to the downward spiral of PMO ever again."

Here's the thing guys:

You will only be able to go long periods of time without porn when watching porn is no longer an option in your life.

I call it the "Porn is NOT an Option" mindset.

The men that have this mindset live as if porn didn't exist.

They completely forget about porn.

They do not spend their day fighting urges.

They are not "trying hard".

Urges are dismissed almost instantly.

I'm currently under this mindset and have been since day 11 or something. Staying away from porn has never been easier.

I've been alone at home several times during the last weeks and watching porn never crossed my mind, not even for a second.

I would rather spend the whole night without sleeping than watch porn. I would rather masturbate, fuck a prostitute, take a walk, whatever. But porn just isn't an option.

And it doesn't bother me one bit.

You have to be ok with the idea that you will never watch porn ever again in your life.

If this idea gives you anxiety or makes you cringe, then you don't have the "Porn is NOT an Option" mindset yet.

If you're having urges on day 17 and you're slightly considering watching porn, then that means that in your mind you haven't truly made the decision to quit.

If you know that you're going to be home alone this weekend and you're worried about relapsing, then that means you're not ready yet.

You're just prolonging your relapse. Eventually you're going to give in.

Those kind of thoughts do not enter the mind of successful rebooters. They forgot about porn a long time ago.

I'm usually completely unaware of what day I'm on.

I don't count days.

I just check what day I'm at every time I post on my journal.

There's a big difference between counting days and just keeping track of how far you've gone. I made a thread about this.

I still get urges, but I dismiss them instantly. I don't feed them or fight them.

Have you ever been attracted to your best friend's girlfriend? Or maybe to a very beautiful cousin? They might arouse you and you might get urges, but hitting on them is just not an option. It's not something you consider, unless you're into incest or don't give a shit about your friend.

I'm telling you, once you have the "Porn is NOT an Option" mindset, staying away from porn is FUCKING EASY.

How do you get this mindset though?

I'm afraid that's the difficult part and that's where I can't help you.

Every situation is different and every man has his own reasons for quitting.

I just want to make you aware that this is the mindset you should be striving for. If you're struggling a lot or trying too hard then you're doing it wrong.

If you take a look at successful rebooters you will always notice that they're able to stay away from porn pretty easily, and that's because of this particular mindset.

The "Porn is NOT an Option" mindset is as bulletproof as it can get, but having a journal (accountability) is absolutely crucial too. I don't think I would've ever been able to get this far without having a journal. Don't be afraid to use porn blockers if you want as well. Everything helps.

And if you're one of those guys that want to quit both porn and masturbation forever, the same mindset still applies. It just changes to "Porn and Masturbation are NOT an Option".

Pretty simple, eh?

Agreed.

P&M simply isnt an option - not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

For me at least, it has been that simple.

Choosing that mindset, and applying that mindset does take some work and preparing.  Its not a switch, but changes to the way we approach life, who we are/were/will be - it can be done.

WE ALL can overcome.

The P&M is not an option approach is the path I am trying to take, and I can appreciate it.  I still get flashes of past porn in my head, but I do my best to kick it out ASAP.

The good thing about dealing with a break up and quitting PMO at the same time is that you have several factors to blame for your mood swings.  Meaning I can not blame my current funk on just PMO.  Some of must be the fresh emotions of the break up and other stuff I am dealing with.

Over all I feel strong today about not sucumbing to urges or the flashes of porn that enter my head.

Thanks to everyone for reading and posting in this thread.  Someday I will be posting my success story.

Hang in there Havetodothis. Abstaining from PMO and MO really does work. This is the first time in 25 years I have gone this long without it and the sex with real women has become what I remember sex was like in college. There is an incredible amount of sensation back on the old johnson and having real sex has become a lot better than good ole easy PMO. I used to approach sex with ambivalence since I was not sure I could get or maintain erection and it took a lot of concentration and effort to cum.
That has all changed due too reboot.

Hey man. i really am thinking of you and hoping you are going ok. I read that post above that said Porn is not an option. I am happy to say that since the 14 July i have had that mind set and really after that date, I havnt really dont feel the need to look at it. I was getting nothing from it. A 4 sec orgasm if lucky, guilt, terrible guilt and the knowldge that it aint going to be in any way fullfillling for me to do it. The knowledge that whatever i saw, i would want more and harder and harder.....and the beast gets its strength back. This forum is a wonderful thing...........come here everyday mate, read and type whatever you are feeling...you will find so much help and understanding.......we are all on this journey together mate, we can do it..........allt he best and keep in touch  8)

Meant to post this too. I found this, ignore the God bit if you like, but the rest of it I found very helpful. I am not at all anti-God or christianity. I was brought up in a church with parents as ministers............but not into it all now after what I have seen and experienced. No offence to anyone who is into it, I just am not at this stage in life. Read this, cut and paste it and have it handy when you feel 'anxious'  ;D

1) MOST IMPORTANT REALIZATION
   
            We are only young for a short period of time! LIVE A GREAT AWESOME LIFE !
                YOUTH IS FLEETING, If you haven't noticed by now, time runs FAST! Man it really does!

                  THE TIME IS NOW! WHEN WE GET OLDER LET THERE BE NO REGRET
                      REALLY THE SADDEST OF ALL EMOTIONS!
                        LIVE FULLY CONFIDENTLY PURELY , BE DISCIPLINED, FIGHT FOR GOOD,
                            DENY THE BAD, BE FOREVER WATCHFUL , BE VICTORIOUS , BE FREE, PURE,
                              HEALTHY, BRIGHT AND LOVE ALL THAT IS GOOD!

2) THE FOUNDATIONAL QUESTION:

HOW BAD IS IT TO RELAPSE JUST 1 MORE TIME?

OUR MINDS WORK VERY SUBTLY: "Ah, I'll just do it this time.. I've done it many times before,
this is just 1 more.. let me just do it now, and sometime later I will really stop.. etc.. "
     
      SO , 1 RELAPSE.
      Can't be that bad right?
      Just 1 RELAPSE. What is it?

        1 RELAPSE = creates a spiral of 1 relapses , where you can not stop! Because you always justify it as just 1 relapse
        1 RELAPSE = CAN LEAD TO YEARS OF ADDITIONAL STRUGGLE! 1 relapse is not just 1 relapse.  IT CAN WASTE YOU YEARS!
        1 RELAPSE = it destroys much of your progress. It is wasting time. it will take weeks or months to get back to that level.
                          And it will happen again and again. Time is the most precious thing you got!!!! AND IT IS LIMITED!!!!

                            TIME IS THE KEY! IT RUNS FAST!
                            1 relapse is all it takes to waste years repeating the same mistake..
                        Let's say our best years are from 18 - 35 (in terms of energy, dating, life excitement, building character...)
                      So many men flush all of their best years down the toilet! Don't "ENJOY STUPIDLY" YOU ARE DIGGING A HOLE! STOP!
                   
          TREASURE YOUR LIFE! TREASURE YOUR TIME!
      1 RELAPSE = What this is all about. Just take care of that 1! DO NOT DO IT!
3) RULES TO OBEY

1)  CURIOSITY IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE ACTED UPON!
"Let me look just a little" is NOT ALLOWED!
Practicing this will make your mind stop being curious automatically
after you've successfully done it a couple of times.

NEVER DO ANY CLICK ON YOUR COMPUTER THAT IS IN THE DIRECTION OF LUST.
The little clicks of curious wondering are deadly. Don't! Just ignore your curiosity. Let it go.


2) When you feel LUST / TEMPTATION TO PMO IMMEDIATELY DENY IT! SAY NO! 
Say it with POWER! Imagine  throwing that lustful ugly feelings out.
You will never beat porn if you don't do the difficult!  Deny it!
This is YOU, YOUR LIFE, wake up! Be STRONG!

And THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT ALL OF THIS IS, WITH GOING AGAINST YOUR SELF AGAINST
"BAD DESIRES" AND CHOOSING BETTER THINGS, YOU WILL CHANGE YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT.

YOU WILL BECOME ONE DEGREE MORE OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE.
In time you change so much, PMO is the furthest thing from your mind.



3) CATCH THE TEMPTATION EARLY! IMMEDIATELY!! GET INTO A NEW MIND-STATE
THIS ONE IS SOOOO IMPORTANT. If you are too late,  porn will overpower you.
The urges will build , DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. RE-FOCUS your thoughts. RE-EVALUATE your life plan.
GO OUTSIDE. A walk, or jogging or prayer or cold shower or call a friend etc. Wash "bad thoughts" off of you.



4.) DONT JUSTIFY DOING IT.
If you decided to not do that, don't do it. NO JUSTIFYING! EVER! If you
fail there is 100% chance of regret.  There is no one final time to do it. There is no comparing yourself to
others.. there is no this temptation is too strong .. NOTHING! JUST DON'T DO IT.

This one is soooo snekay. Your mind will tell you well you can start this no porn thing at some other time again..
And many other tricks. Really just become aware of your thoughts and feelings and realize you are often
subconscioulsy JUSTIFYING things you WANT but logically know that are BAD.



5)  FORGET AND IGNORE WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING AGAINST, WHEN THERE IS NO TEMPTATION
JUST LIKE IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ADDICTION TO HARD DRUGS. YOU WONT REALLY BE THINKING ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH.
BUT THERE ARE STRONG DECISIONS INSIDE OF YOU THAT YOU KNOW YOU WON'T DO THEM IF YOU EVER HAD THE CHANCE.

IGNORE THE BAD. REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS. If case of dreams and images and thoughts
hitting us , do not dwell on them, but simply sort of push them aside and ignore them.
Immediately take a deep breath and direct your attention elsewhere.


6) READ YOUR LIST OF RULES REGULARLY!
READ AND RE-READ AND RECOMMIT TO THE PROCESS! Internalize the "rules".

4) BONUS TIPS:


REMEMBER YOUR PAST. REMEMBER WHAT FAILURE DOES! HOW BAD YOU FELT! WRITE IT DOWN!
We are so quick to forget! Please do that! Don't be reminded at a relapse. Be forewarned.

One of the problems is , in the heated moments you may not want porn lust to leave you.
And if you wait, the feeling will overwhelm you and you will be powerless. The only way is to SAY NO EARLY EARLY EALRY!!!
And it helps to say NO if you know WHY you have to say NO. This is it. Have the reasons in your mind.
Once the temptation hits, they will not be found in your head, unless you have them prepared in advance.


WHEN THE URGES HIT,  THINK ONLY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU RELAPSE
  YOU ARE LOST AND DEFEATED
AND YOU LOSE POWER , LOSE CONFIDENCE ETC.

SO CHANGE IT!  1 HOUR later, you'll be smiling and be happy that you did not relapse.

Don't look back 5 years from now in utter defeat.  DON'T DO IT. That is the only key to success. DO NOT DO IT.


RECORD YOUR BENEFITS OF SUCCESS
There will be many.


NO EXCUSES! You are choosing between REGRET and VICTORY!

You can do it.
But all the past experiences have brainwashed us into thinking
it's harder than it actually is. We remember failing, but don't remember
that we could easily have chosen not to do it. This is 100% in your control.

HAVE CONFIDENCE

5) LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

This is NUMBER 1 reason I am where I am.

I wanted to do EVIL.  But God helped me. The Word of God anchors me. And I can not be shaken as easily as before.

God takes your heart and purifies it, cleanses it, and gives you a new heart.

Do not look at other people, supposed Christians and then judge Christ or God based on them. None of the Christians represents Christ as they should because none is perfect. But not only that VAST majority of "Christians" are NOT even Christians. Read the NEW TESTAMENT - 4 GOSPELS (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). Or just read 1 Gospel (It's like 30 pages) IT IS SHORT! BUT IT CONTAINS LIFE! After reading that, you will see what it means to be a Christian. It is LOVE , HOLINESS, OBEDIENCE, PURITY...

Turning to God in prayer,
turning to Jesus,
HE LIVES.

It is always our free will,
and He always receives
the humble, and sincere.

IF you seek, you WILL find.

I personally testify , that God LOVES us, and that he is willing to help, BUT , under HIS CONDITIONS! Not our own.  We are FREE to listen to the EVIL or to GOD. We can do whatever we want. IN THE END WE WILL REAP ETERNALLY what WE SOWED in our flesh.

I love beatitudes, found in the Gospel of Matthew:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

search youtube for Paul Washer, Tim Conway, Bill Larkin ... and many others.. , then go into prayer mode

WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!

Thanks Gunner and Little, It was good to read your replies this morning.

So far my toughest time is that period between when I go to bed and when I go to sleep.  That was one of my usual times to PMO.

I feel good right now, and I hope to keep that feeling going through the  rest of the day.

Work was good, I had some slight urges, but it kept me distracted all day.

I reached out to my XGF.  I realized I need her friendship more now than I thought. I am basically completely alone here.  I am going to need someone.  Hopefully I can be here for her if needed.

I have to go run some errands, but I feel positive about things.  I think.

Thinking of you mate. Hang in there. I too am struggling today but will not fail,one day at a time is all i can manage at the moment. Reach out to those who can help you, come back here and be assured of a listening ear and help.....

Thanks Little.

So last night something happened that gave me hope.  I saw the Ex, it was supposed to be just as friends.  But it escalated.  I never got hard, wich worries me.  But I did get a BJ.  I actually felt something and it felt great.  It was amazing.  Maybe too great. I finished way too early, and as I said, I never got hard.

The hope comes in the fact that I felt something and actually finished. I am going to take that as a positive sign, and will worry about other stuff later.

She handled it well, said all the right things.  She knows about my struggle and my abstinence from PMO.  I am not sure this will happen again with her, but I am glad this did.

Dude--what happened last night is just the tip of the iceberg. You will be amazed at what no PMO and no MO does to your senses down there. I have had the best sex in decades just from 2 months of no M. And the girls keep coming back for more which is awesome!
I had a lot of reservations with being with a girl and that female intuition picked up on it so it was so hard to get a girl on me. Now I have forced myself to only have orgasm with a girl....I look forward to it since I am rewiring my brain to get satisfaction from human contact and not hand contact. I wish I did this 10 years ago...

Thanks Gunner!

The ex and I hung out again tonight.  another BJ.  It still felt greater than any PMO. I did not get hard, but I did get chubbier. 

I hope this continues.  I feel like I just need to train myself to like the woman of my dreams.

Little

What you have said about God and the Salvation of His Son and the help that can be received from them in overcoming PMO is so spot on. I experienced it first hand. No relapse, No desire to PMO. No compromise coz He took it away I have new eyes and have no desire to go back to my old ways!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

Havetodothis--get some Viagra and that will give you a full blown erection and you will feel like a teenager again. It is expensive but worth it until you get over the PIED.