Once more into the fray

This is my journal. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

I'm a 23-year-old, currently 11 days into quitting PMO once again. I've tried to quit a number of times, some of them an avoidance of porn while still keeping fantasy and masturbation, which only helped me a little. I want to get my life back and figure out this whole sexuality thing without the clouded nonsense of synthesized crap.

I'm a virgin, for what it's worth. Never even kissed a girl, though that was more induced by extreme shyness and lack of socializing than porn itself. Porn was more just an extension of fantasizing for me - the latter being like a gateway drug - and it quickly became an addiction. I have a propensity for getting addicted to things. It sucks and makes me constantly wary of why I'm into doing a particular activity, but the bright side is that I have a lot of experience with quitting things.

I know I can quit it, but it's one of the hardest things I've tried to quit in my life, next to sweets (like chocolate), because it feels too damn good. But I know the "feels good" part isn't worth it because it never lasts and I always want a little more.

I'm making a journal for the first time because I've been relying on only my own accountability for too long with this crap. My main issue is that at this point - like sweets - my instinct to turn to porn is in large part due to stress. I've often rationalized it in the past because, to some extent, it really does make me feel relaxed and helps me fall asleep easier. I also feel like crap later and wake up really groggy, but that's beside the point, right? So says my silly brain.

I'm not good at handling stress "naturally." I don't know what to do in that area. I'm good at medicating stress with addictive nonsense like porn, but I guess I never learned to cope well with it naturally. I know meditation and such is supposed to be good and I've tried that to some extent, but it's really hard to sit down and just do it.

So in the spirit of taking action when the urges arise (I read about using actions somewhere) I'm alternating between tapping my feet and doing multiplication in my head, depending on what's most feasible in the situation, without looking like a crazed animal. I've noticed ASMR is a bit of a gateway drug to porn/fantasy for me, but I don't know why. I guess it hits the same pathways somehow. Which is sad cause ASMR can give me a nice, unique feeling and some nice relaxation, but right now I'm wary of it, cause I think it might just tempt me back into porn/fantasy.

I'm reminded of a quote I've seen a couples times and I think it's quite fitting to cap off this post (cause quite frankly, I'm blanking on how else to cap it off - don't tell anyone though, it'll be our little secret).

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." -Bruce Lee

This is my journal.
There are many like it, but this one is MINE.
My journal is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My journal without me is useless. Without my journal, I am useless.

Welcome on board, Private.

Regard stress as your friend too. Stress actually makes me feel good, I know that I'm alive. Many people tend to regard stress as something bad, so we might conclude it's rather the stress about being stressed that makes us crazy. In my opinion, stress can push us forward, if we don't give in.

Good luck.

robust said:

This is my journal.
There are many like it, but this one is MINE.
My journal is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My journal without me is useless. Without my journal, I am useless.

Welcome on board, Private.

Regard stress as your friend too. Stress actually makes me feel good, I know that I'm alive. Many people tend to regard stress as something bad, so we might conclude it's rather the stress about being stressed that makes us crazy. In my opinion, stress can push us forward, if we don't give in.

Good luck.

Click to expand...

Thanks, Robust.

That's a good idea. It rings true to me because I've learned / been told to do similar with stuff like anxiety and it works well. Anxious about being anxious and all - same idea.

Day 12 and I'm still pretty much flatlining in terms of libido, but I'm ok with that. Means I don't have to deal with ridiculously strong urges. Starting to feel a bit more down there though. And my normal exercise routine is becoming easier to do - I feel like I'm starting to have more energy for it these days, even the resistance training like pushups.

I've been keeping at a 1/4 mile on the treadmill daily for a couple months now (with few days missed) and it's paying off with stamina (hard to tell how much is muscle build up and how much is the no PMO). Either way, it's going well. I have a manual treadmill in my room, so I can't come up with excuses to not get any exercise! And I'm starting to increase the amount I walk, which is a good sign for stamina.

Emotions like anger and irritation are becoming a bit more overt, I think. I'm getting angry at the cold for still being here in mid March, which is probably something that would be dimmed otherwise by the zombie haze. I'd rather get momentarily angry than depressed though.

In tribute to one of my favorite recent tunes, I say to PMO: Let It Go

Hello, and welcome to the forums.
Its almost scary how much in your post reminds me of myself.
I actually use ASMR too, but I dont find it to be a gateway to porn... rather the opposite. I mainly listen to male ASMR artists though.

I am the same age as you, and have been using hardcore porn as a medication for stress since I was 14 - 15.
I have a past with phobias and OCD, and porn has become the main way of dealing with the frustration of these disablities.

Yes, it does feel damn good when you watch it. I wont deny that... but you know were it leads. Heroin is probably also DAMN good when you are using it... but it will take you to hell.

I have never gone so many days as I have since I started on this forum.
You will find many supporting, honest, pure people here. You are never alone here, trust me, the guys on this forum are fantastic.

Just keep journaling here, everyday, whenever you feel like it. It helps, trust me.
If you need someone to talk to private, just send me a PM mate. If you are having urgent cravings or anything.

Much love.
tkn0

tkn0 said:

Hello, and welcome to the forums.
Its almost scary how much in your post reminds me of myself.
I actually use ASMR too, but I dont find it to be a gateway to porn... rather the opposite. I mainly listen to male ASMR artists though.

I am the same age as you, and have been using hardcore porn as a medication for stress since I was 14 - 15.
I have a past with phobias and OCD, and porn has become the main way of dealing with the frustration of these disablities.

Yes, it does feel damn good when you watch it. I wont deny that... but you know were it leads. Heroin is probably also DAMN good when you are using it... but it will take you to hell.

I have never gone so many days as I have since I started on this forum.
You will find many supporting, honest, pure people here. You are never alone here, trust me, the guys on this forum are fantastic.

Just keep journaling here, everyday, whenever you feel like it. It helps, trust me.
If you need someone to talk to private, just send me a PM mate. If you are having urgent cravings or anything.

Much love.
tkn0

Click to expand...

Hey tk, thanks for your kind words. I'll keep you in mind.

I usually listen to females doing ASMR, so maybe that is the difference. ASMR does seem to be a little different for each person too, so could have something to do with that.

And yeah, you're right. It certainly doesn't lead anywhere good in the long run. I can understand your fears and OCD problems to some extent. I've never had it badly enough that I'd call them phobias, but I've had problems with anxiety a lot in the past and I know I have some OCD tendencies, like intrusive thoughts and compulsive checking. Luckily, they've never been debilitating though. Just a persistent nuisance, really.

Another day and I feel like I'm more "awake" in general. I feel a lot more comfortable around strangers and a lot more connected to them in the moment. It's like slowly coming out of a haze.

I can tell it's messing with my routine a bit though. Gonna have to make a concerted effort to get my sleep schedule back on track. Without the sleepiness from before, it's becoming easier to stay up in the early morning hours.

Also, I hate grocery store checkouts and all of their dang magazines. Just makes my life harder. >.>

Still going strong. Had a weird dream last night though. Don't remember what it was about - just that it somehow involved me almost succumbing to watching porn and then not doing it lol. My subconscious is like that. Guess it's pretty heavily on my mind.

I find my brain is a bit more scattered these past few days. Not in the way it used to be where it was like "duuuuuh, haze" but just bouncing around a bit. I think this is not actually a "change" and instead is just me becoming aware of how scattered I am sometimes. I am finder it harder to sit down and do routinized things though. I have more of an urge to take action and get results.

I guess my impatience is less dulled by the haze. Still more or less flatlining sexually, but I'm ok with that. I can tell that my interest in girls (real ones) is steadily increasing.

I'm also starting to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get things done. There's too many things to do that could be *fun* dangit!

Edit: Man, I just got nostalgic for sitting down and making stuff with Legos for hours, when I was a kid.

Card said:

I'm also starting to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get things done. There's too many things to do that could be *fun* dangit!

Click to expand...

Yeah, time flies. Faster than ever.

Card said:

Edit: Man, I just got nostalgic for sitting down and making stuff with Legos for hours, when I was a kid.

Click to expand...

Believe it or not. Yesterday, I went to a lego-store here in my town. It's so cool to see all that new stuff. Next month, I'll buy something. Promised.

I can tell that my interest in girls (real ones) is steadily increasing.

Click to expand...

Same here, the brain is starting to rewire back to basics. Its seeking intimacy more than a pair of breasts and an ass.

Man, I just got nostalgic for sitting down and making stuff with Legos for hours, when I was a kid.

Click to expand...

Man, lego is awesome. I'd happely play with lego, and Im 23. Dont have any left though.
Most people will probably see it as childish, but fuck them.
The day creativity becomes "childish", thats the day the world ends.

I have read a quote saying "Dont grow up, its a trap!"

I actually agree ^^

robust said:

Yeah, time flies. Faster than ever.

Believe it or not. Yesterday, I went to a lego-store here in my town. It's so cool to see all that new stuff. Next month, I'll buy something. Promised.

Click to expand...

Nice! I may have to revisit Legos when I have some money to spend. I miss how versatile all of those little pieces are.

tkn0 said:

Man, lego is awesome. I'd happely play with lego, and Im 23. Dont have any left though.
Most people will probably see it as childish, but fuck them.
The day creativity becomes "childish", thats the day the world ends.

I have read a quote saying "Dont grow up, its a trap!"

I actually agree ^^

Click to expand...

I think growing up really comes down to managing yourself and your own life and little else, personally.  In other words, I agree - knock yourself out with Legos if you want to! It's your life after all.

Day 17 still going strong. Getting stronger urges, but I'm also exercising more now, so I'm happy about that.

My interest in girls (and people in general) continues to go up. I'm finding my thoughts turning to things like relationships a lot more now.

In the spirit of humor, fitting joke, "I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'get well soon.' Fuck that - get well now."

Love the Lego post man. I ask for a set every year for Christmas for shits and giggles. I love it. Last two years has been Lord of the Rings sets. I love just building them Christmas night while watching a movie with the family.


Stay strong man, this is worth it. The girls will come, don't force it or get impaitent. When you relax about it the best ones come forward. 

Partingglass said:

Love the Lego post man. I ask for a set every year for Christmas for shits and giggles. I love it. Last two years has been Lord of the Rings sets. I love just building them Christmas night while watching a movie with the family.


Stay strong man, this is worth it. The girls will come, don't force it or get impaitent. When you relax about it the best ones come forward.

Click to expand...

Nice.

Thanks for the encouragement. Never hurts to be reminded. My brain and body do not want to be patient right now.

Day 20.

My brain keeps wanting to find some sneaky way to look at something pornographic, even if it's just softcore porn. Not gonna let it get the better of me, but boy is it pushing hard.

Finding it hard to get to bed at a reasonable hour these days. Way too easy to stay up till like 2am or later. Granted, I've been getting up at 11 or so, which is making me less tired at a later hour, but I think the lack of PMO is making it harder. I need to figure out ways to help myself want to go to bed and sleep without relying on that crap.

Card said:

Finding it hard to get to bed at a reasonable hour these days. Way too easy to stay up till like 2am or later. Granted, I've been getting up at 11 or so, which is making me less tired at a later hour, but I think the lack of PMO is making it harder. I need to figure out ways to help myself want to go to bed and sleep without relying on that crap.

Click to expand...

Same thing here. Don't let your brain rule over you. Stick to your normal routines. I know it's hard.. Sleep is a key-factor, dude.

I hear you Card. I guess our brains are kind of freaking out over our attempts at rewiring it.

Be careful with attempting to sneak porn in disguise though. Softcore P is can be just as bad as the hardcore stuff. Even if it's just suggestive material, because they can be triggers too. I find that the latter is even harder to avoid.

Hey! I'm 23 years old as well. I quit 1.5 years ago and my life has improved substantially. Keep going!

robust said:

Same thing here. Don't let your brain rule over you. Stick to your normal routines. I know it's hard.. Sleep is a key-factor, dude.

Click to expand...

Thanks man. Doin what I can.

jms42 said:

I hear you Card. I guess our brains are kind of freaking out over our attempts at rewiring it.

Be careful with attempting to sneak porn in disguise though. Softcore P is can be just as bad as the hardcore stuff. Even if it's just suggestive material, because they can be triggers too. I find that the latter is even harder to avoid.

Click to expand...

For sure. It's insidious, too. Softpore porn is freakin everywhere.

fugu said:

Hey! I'm 23 years old as well. I quit 1.5 years ago and my life has improved substantially. Keep going!

Click to expand...

Thanks for the encouragement!

Day 23

Had a rough night last night. Without going into graphic detail, was pretty badly constipated. Had a wet dream in the middle of the night, which was interesting. That part of it might have been pleasant if not for the first part.  Don't really remember the dream though; that's probably for the best. 

Have to remind myself that having a wet dream isn't necessarily a bad thing: http://yourbrainonporn.com/wet-dreams I feel kind of groggy, but I can't tell if that's the aftereffects of the dream or how poorly I slept.

Started using a technique I read about for sleep where I set an alarm at night as well as in the morning. When the "night alarm" goes off, I go do my "prep for bed" routine. It's not getting me into bed instantly, but so far, it's removing a lot of the resistance.