alaskanbullworm
New Member
Each entry is separated by a row of asterisks.
List of reasons why I shouldn't PMO.
1. Whenever I PMO I feel depressed afterwards. 4/8/2014 4:08 PM
2. I really don't want to go back to square one, and I want to be able to have a loving intimate relationship with a woman. 4/8/2014 11:00 PM
3. Jacking off to porn constantly is unhealthy and only provides brief relief while creating long term grief and stress. 4/10/2014 3:20pm
**********4/17/2014*********
Didn't post yesterday. Not because I've fallen off the horse but I was actually super busy yesterday and by the time I got home I just knocked out. Had to take mom to a doctor's appointment in the morning, and then later met up with some friends and ran around town. I have struggled with the thought of masturbating (without porn.) I've been able to keep putting the deed off. Like Maybe tomorrow I'll jack off, not today though. In a way I'm sort of lying to myself because it's like a part of me is like "dude, just don't." But somehow it works. I am horny lately though. I did have a sex dream the other night about this girl I hung out with. It was pretty cool lol. Aside from that, I've been pretty strong about this. I'm going out with a girl later to see the Grand Budapest Hotel in at the cinema. I kind of just want to be around women, whether anything comes of it or not I still truly enjoy the beauty of women. Not just that, but being around real women is probably good for me too. Hell, being around real people in general is probably good for me.
**********4/15/2014*********
The issue as of lately isn't that I want to PMO. I don't really feel like I need to look at porn, but I want to get off. It's so bad that I get achy at the thought of just having sex with a woman. So I guess my sexual drive is rising. But the thing that I guess is not good is this knowledge that I can go out and get sex in an illegitimate way. So I kind of fight myself with those thoughts for a while before I get over them. If I'm going to have sex it should just be with regular woman in the real world. So maybe I should shift some focus into making myself a little more attractive. Not just for the sake of getting girls, but maybe I'm in need of a little self esteem. I've been talking to more girls, I'm actually going out with one tomorrow. But I'm not betting on anything occurring, I'm just taking it easy. But I wanna be around women.
**********4/13/2014*********
So, I've been good about this so far. I'm starting to feel more receptive to things that occur in the day to day and am a little bit more happy. My Spring Break began a few days ago so I decided to kick it off by going to Disneyland. Pretty awesome time, fortunately since I have a friend who works there we were able to get on pretty much every ride with a fast pass. Best fuckin visit to Disneyland ever. I have noticed that my flirtiness with girls has increased, nothing substantial but noticeable. I don't really feel like I'm struggling with not PMOing but my nuts are actually starting to get soar. Blue balls I suppose. Aside from that, nothing much else to report.
**********4/10/2014*********
Made it through another night, things haven't been challenging until a minute ago. I was chilling just watching Regular Show and then suddenly I just felt like jacking off. There wasn't even anything remotely sexy going on. It was almost comical that I got horny while watching a cartoon show. So I went into this thing of telling myself "no no don't do it." And then started rationalizing "well just once." Even now in all honesty it's really hard to fight the urge which is why I came here to write. I should probably just get out of the house. I think I'll go visit my parents or something.
**********4/9/2014**********
I fell asleep shortly after I listed another reason to not cave into my temptations, I guess I just felt like writing. I thought it'd be a productive thing to do while I struggle to go back to sleep. At the moment I feel hopeful again and am getting over the failure of yesterday. It's really those moments of weakness, or I guess withdrawal, that I have a tough time combating. My brain rationalizes and loses all sense of responsibility. Maybe I need something physical on my person to really kick me in the ass when I get really weak. I think it's time to start working out again. There was a time when I was in really good shape but I lost track with that too when I felt like I had given up on women. Yeah, I think it'll help. I can do this... I just have to believe in myself.
**********4/8/2014**********
Ugh, not even 3 days and I caved in. I don't know what it is that gets me to that mentality of where "I have to get off." It's like I know all these reasons why I shouldn't do it, but I do it anyway. It's like when my mind is on that track it won't stop. I guess I'm going to have to take some sort of drastic measures on this. I feel like I should talk to a friend about it or something, but I'm too embarrassed. The fact that I'm embarrassed should be reason enough to quit this. I've been leading a double life and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be a slave to this. I feel depressed and I just don't want to fucking deal with it. I think what I'm going to do is make a list of reasons why I shouldn't PMO. Whenever I'm feeling weak I'm going to come back to this journal and list a reason.
**********4/7/2014**********
I slept fairly decently last night despite not partaking in my usual before sleep jerk. I feel mostly positive but a little anxious. I don't think I can contribute the bit of anxiety completely to this new venture I've delved into, I've kind of been slacking off in school. Up until this semester I've been doing very well so I think I should re-align my focus. One thing I did do last night was create playlists of music I used to love when I was younger. I dunno, something about it was theraputic. I remembered a lot of the good aspects of my life. Most importantly I remembered how cool it was to have a partner. To have someone you can talk to about everything. Someone to just hug when you feel down and you know understands. I miss that. Anyway, I'm about to head out to class. It's only been a night since I started this, night one of many nights.
**********4/6/2014**********
I feel like problems are deep. Not just with pornography, but life in general. On paper I think I'm on the right track... I'm a military veteran going to college on the GI bill, I get pretty good grades, I'm somewhat responsible. Except with porn and sex. I'm not only addicted to porn, I see escorts on a regular basis because I'm so afraid of the pressure to perform with someone I really care about and even when I get off with a prostitute I don't feel satisfied. My problems got significantly worse because I gave up after my first attempt at a reboot. I figured "Well, I'm not with anyone, I'm single, who the hell cares if I'm jacking off or seeing hookers?" That was following a harsh break up because of porn induced ed. Since then I haven't had a real relationship with a woman. There was a girl I got really really close with but I did not want to go through the pain of failure. So I chose what I thought was the easy route. I seriously convinced myself that it would be easier to be alone with porn and have sex with women I didn't care about whatsoever. But I've come to a point where I really want a real relationship. That girl I was too scared to make a move on... She has a boyfriend, they've been together for a while and it looks serious. I can't let this happen again. There are so many things that I need to address within myself to be able to build a long term and meaningful relationship with someone. For now, I think I'll start with the porn and hookers. It has to stop. I don't know extreme my case is in comparison to most of you gentleman here but I hope what I share is helpful or motivating for all of you.
I did use porn today. I'm not going to tomorrow. Wish me luck.
List of reasons why I shouldn't PMO.
1. Whenever I PMO I feel depressed afterwards. 4/8/2014 4:08 PM
2. I really don't want to go back to square one, and I want to be able to have a loving intimate relationship with a woman. 4/8/2014 11:00 PM
3. Jacking off to porn constantly is unhealthy and only provides brief relief while creating long term grief and stress. 4/10/2014 3:20pm
**********4/17/2014*********
Didn't post yesterday. Not because I've fallen off the horse but I was actually super busy yesterday and by the time I got home I just knocked out. Had to take mom to a doctor's appointment in the morning, and then later met up with some friends and ran around town. I have struggled with the thought of masturbating (without porn.) I've been able to keep putting the deed off. Like Maybe tomorrow I'll jack off, not today though. In a way I'm sort of lying to myself because it's like a part of me is like "dude, just don't." But somehow it works. I am horny lately though. I did have a sex dream the other night about this girl I hung out with. It was pretty cool lol. Aside from that, I've been pretty strong about this. I'm going out with a girl later to see the Grand Budapest Hotel in at the cinema. I kind of just want to be around women, whether anything comes of it or not I still truly enjoy the beauty of women. Not just that, but being around real women is probably good for me too. Hell, being around real people in general is probably good for me.
**********4/15/2014*********
The issue as of lately isn't that I want to PMO. I don't really feel like I need to look at porn, but I want to get off. It's so bad that I get achy at the thought of just having sex with a woman. So I guess my sexual drive is rising. But the thing that I guess is not good is this knowledge that I can go out and get sex in an illegitimate way. So I kind of fight myself with those thoughts for a while before I get over them. If I'm going to have sex it should just be with regular woman in the real world. So maybe I should shift some focus into making myself a little more attractive. Not just for the sake of getting girls, but maybe I'm in need of a little self esteem. I've been talking to more girls, I'm actually going out with one tomorrow. But I'm not betting on anything occurring, I'm just taking it easy. But I wanna be around women.
**********4/13/2014*********
So, I've been good about this so far. I'm starting to feel more receptive to things that occur in the day to day and am a little bit more happy. My Spring Break began a few days ago so I decided to kick it off by going to Disneyland. Pretty awesome time, fortunately since I have a friend who works there we were able to get on pretty much every ride with a fast pass. Best fuckin visit to Disneyland ever. I have noticed that my flirtiness with girls has increased, nothing substantial but noticeable. I don't really feel like I'm struggling with not PMOing but my nuts are actually starting to get soar. Blue balls I suppose. Aside from that, nothing much else to report.
**********4/10/2014*********
Made it through another night, things haven't been challenging until a minute ago. I was chilling just watching Regular Show and then suddenly I just felt like jacking off. There wasn't even anything remotely sexy going on. It was almost comical that I got horny while watching a cartoon show. So I went into this thing of telling myself "no no don't do it." And then started rationalizing "well just once." Even now in all honesty it's really hard to fight the urge which is why I came here to write. I should probably just get out of the house. I think I'll go visit my parents or something.
**********4/9/2014**********
I fell asleep shortly after I listed another reason to not cave into my temptations, I guess I just felt like writing. I thought it'd be a productive thing to do while I struggle to go back to sleep. At the moment I feel hopeful again and am getting over the failure of yesterday. It's really those moments of weakness, or I guess withdrawal, that I have a tough time combating. My brain rationalizes and loses all sense of responsibility. Maybe I need something physical on my person to really kick me in the ass when I get really weak. I think it's time to start working out again. There was a time when I was in really good shape but I lost track with that too when I felt like I had given up on women. Yeah, I think it'll help. I can do this... I just have to believe in myself.
**********4/8/2014**********
Ugh, not even 3 days and I caved in. I don't know what it is that gets me to that mentality of where "I have to get off." It's like I know all these reasons why I shouldn't do it, but I do it anyway. It's like when my mind is on that track it won't stop. I guess I'm going to have to take some sort of drastic measures on this. I feel like I should talk to a friend about it or something, but I'm too embarrassed. The fact that I'm embarrassed should be reason enough to quit this. I've been leading a double life and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be a slave to this. I feel depressed and I just don't want to fucking deal with it. I think what I'm going to do is make a list of reasons why I shouldn't PMO. Whenever I'm feeling weak I'm going to come back to this journal and list a reason.
**********4/7/2014**********
I slept fairly decently last night despite not partaking in my usual before sleep jerk. I feel mostly positive but a little anxious. I don't think I can contribute the bit of anxiety completely to this new venture I've delved into, I've kind of been slacking off in school. Up until this semester I've been doing very well so I think I should re-align my focus. One thing I did do last night was create playlists of music I used to love when I was younger. I dunno, something about it was theraputic. I remembered a lot of the good aspects of my life. Most importantly I remembered how cool it was to have a partner. To have someone you can talk to about everything. Someone to just hug when you feel down and you know understands. I miss that. Anyway, I'm about to head out to class. It's only been a night since I started this, night one of many nights.
**********4/6/2014**********
I feel like problems are deep. Not just with pornography, but life in general. On paper I think I'm on the right track... I'm a military veteran going to college on the GI bill, I get pretty good grades, I'm somewhat responsible. Except with porn and sex. I'm not only addicted to porn, I see escorts on a regular basis because I'm so afraid of the pressure to perform with someone I really care about and even when I get off with a prostitute I don't feel satisfied. My problems got significantly worse because I gave up after my first attempt at a reboot. I figured "Well, I'm not with anyone, I'm single, who the hell cares if I'm jacking off or seeing hookers?" That was following a harsh break up because of porn induced ed. Since then I haven't had a real relationship with a woman. There was a girl I got really really close with but I did not want to go through the pain of failure. So I chose what I thought was the easy route. I seriously convinced myself that it would be easier to be alone with porn and have sex with women I didn't care about whatsoever. But I've come to a point where I really want a real relationship. That girl I was too scared to make a move on... She has a boyfriend, they've been together for a while and it looks serious. I can't let this happen again. There are so many things that I need to address within myself to be able to build a long term and meaningful relationship with someone. For now, I think I'll start with the porn and hookers. It has to stop. I don't know extreme my case is in comparison to most of you gentleman here but I hope what I share is helpful or motivating for all of you.
I did use porn today. I'm not going to tomorrow. Wish me luck.
