40 years of addiction (My Journal)

Hi everyone. I just wanted to share that I have been struggling with this addiction for close to 40 years. Many of those years have been spent not even realizing my addiction to dopamine. Since the 90s when computers came out my addiction was using the new trigger of high-speed Internet porn. For the past six years or so I finally realized that my use of PMO  was an addiction. I've tried many things like twelve-step programs but now I am taking the direct approach in dealing with my problems head on and I am committed to doing  The hard 90 days. This time I'm going to make it. It is the most important thing in my life right now to beat my dopamine addiction. Every day I work on it and I am being very diligent on watching TV and what I  Watch on the Internet. This time I'm going to beat it and I'm going to embrace my withdrawals. I want to live a life and see what it's like to live porn free.  This addiction has wreaked havoc on my entire life and it has not let me be the person that I can be. I'm closing in on 52 years in this world. I want the last part of my life to be the best  part of my life.  I want to see what I'm like without this addiction. This addiction is run my life. My marriage  was greatly affected by it and eventually lead to a divorce almost 20 years ago. I've been alone and isolated ever since. The only thing that I want to accomplish before I die is beating my PMO  addiction. That's all I want. I just want to know in my heart of hearts that I have this beat. Then I will die a happy man

Hi Jon64,
I agree, you are in the right place. I can relate to your pain and circumstances. I have some years on you but have suffered this demon as many if not more than most of the members here. I too have recently sat and cried while writing posts on here realizing just how devastating this addiction can be. I like you, have made it a personal goal to beat this so when I die I will know that I was able to conquer this thing and find the real me. Congrats on 30 days, that is a major accomplishment. Today is day 16 for me. At times it has been tough. But when I am feeling the worst, I know I can come here and find the help I need to get through. This site and most importantly, the members here are a God send. You will not find a group more willing to share and help all who ask for it. No judgments, no finger pointing, just sharing a common goal to beat this addiction and live a happy life free from Porn. If I can ever be of any help, please do not hesitate to call on me. I, like any of the other members here are always willing to help a brother in the fight.

We can do this! 

Welcome to the site Jon. You can do it buddy. I am taking the 90 day challenge also. I've failed many times but this time it will work. I am day 3 now.

Looking forward to following your thread.

Thank you for the replies guys. It's really encouraging to know others are struggling with the same thing. This time I have a new resolve and I am going to beat this addiction. I feel stronger than ever and from this site  i've learned so many new things that I know I can do it. I'm going to use this post as my journal and tell of my progress. Hopefully it's good progress. I've always taken an  external approach to dealing with this addiction. I've been in and out of a 12  step program for several years. I am a chronic relapser.  I've always negotiated with my addiction. This time I'm being vigilant. I'm watching what shows I watch on TV  and what websites I go to. I've taken a real strong custody of my thoughts.  I've taken the approach that this is the single most important thing in my life right now. It's more important than anything I am doing at this present time.  God  bless and good luck to everyone of you

Welcome Jon

I've learned to take it one day at a time.  Sometimes one second at a time.

Gabriel

Thanks Gabriel. One day at a time is a great philosophy. I was just reading your journal before I came here and saw you posted on my topic. Good luck and God bless

I'm going to use this post I started as my journal. Today is day 36 for me and everything is going well. Some days it's easy and some days it's rough. I had a weird dream last night. I didn't have wet dreams but I had dreams where I was watching porn and acting out. I woke up and the dream seemed so real  that I actually thought I had to reboot. I mean it felt real. It took me a minute or two after I woke up to realize that it was just a dream thank God. Everything is going well and I'm still as strong  and resolved as ever. Good luck and God bless.

Well done on getting to 36 days Jon. You're doing well!

I've always negotiated with my addiction

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I know this well. I'm always negatiating with mine and it leads to relapse. I can't afford to negotiate with the Porn Demon I will always lose

I feel u. The craving is so strong. You can decide that il do X,Y,Z when im tempted next time but on the show day when ur tempted, all ur plans have no effect. Its the urge that wins. Thats why relapses occur ever so often. I have tried all efforts but have failed. Im a christian and i feel that when the flesh fails always, you have to turn to God for a miracle. Here are some of the things that really helped me when im tempted to masturbate: 1. Sing a christian song,  i sing "Jesus loves me this i know". Its very suprising how only 1 thought can exist in ur brain at a time. When u focus on singing a song, the other thought struggles to stay in ur head. Make this an automatic reflex everytime ur tempted. Its impossible to sing about God and sin.    2. Even if u sin, dont get caught in guilt. See what mistake u did and correct it next time.Ask God for forgiveness and try again.As long as u have life,God is ready to forgive  3.Realise that God knew about ur failures and sins when he formed u itself. Yet he chose to die for ur sins. So dont believe the lies of the devil that u cannot overcome this addiction ever(1 corinthians 10:13).Remember God cannot judge u if ur havent been given a choice to chose.   

My views are entirely spiritually opinioned. Hope it helps. 

Thanks guys for the replies. They are really helpful.  Today is day 38 for me and I am in continual battle with myself. I'm not watching anything that triggers me and stuff that would not  even be close to being considered pornography is really working on my brain. Even a movie I was watching on TCM which was made in 1950 has some stuff in it that was triggering me and it was mild.  I have to really be on my guard. On the spiritual side I'm really praying a lot and I'm really  doing great. Have not even been close to relapsing. I'm going to do mini  goals of every 10 days.  I feel really strong and the more I understand about this addiction the stronger I feel to fight it off. Good luck and God bless

Today is day 40 for me. It's my ten-day milestone so I'm celebrating it. It's been a while since I've been at 40 days. I usually make 30 then relapse. I'm struggling a little bit I keep making stuff into porn that is not porn like commercials ect.... so I'm really on my guard. Been feeling kind of depressed a little bit but other than that everything is going great and I feel strong. My greatest strength lies in the fact that I totally understand my addiction to dopamine  and this time I am taking a direct approach to my addiction. I'm not negotiating with my addiction. It's the most important thing in my life every day to rid myself of this addiction.  Good luck to everyone and God bless

You're doing a great job!  ;D

Gabriel

Hey guys. If you are questioning whether you are addicted to pornography or not  try looking at some of your old credit card statements. Today I was burning some old tax records that were over 10 years old. I looked through my credit card statements and it's amazing How many times a month I spent money on porn sites. It was amazing every credit card statement I opened had porn purchases. I wish I had all the money in my pocket that I've spent on this disgusting addiction.

Well today is my 50th day update. I am extremely happy to have made 50 days. 40 more days of my hard 90 left.  So far  my withdrawal symptoms have been pretty rough. To name a few I've had brain fog, flatlining, extreme depression and anxiety, I've been over eating quite a bit, biting my nails  and I've had various physical pains and headaches quite frequently. I've been doing great at avoiding triggers on the Internet and on TV. I've also done great at avoiding hyper  sexualized thoughts. I have the mindset that this is it and I am going to make it this time. I will not fail and I am done with pornography.  I am embracing my withdrawals as a sign of getting better. I am very grateful to this site, to Gabe and especially William because  they are the first to tell me that if I can bear the 90 days things get better and I can beat this. Of all the things I've tried over the years this is the first time somebody ever told me that. I've been in and out of 12 step programs over the years and they have always told me my addiction is because of external problems I have. This is the first time that I have taken an  internal approach to this addiction to dopamine. Just by learning what I have learned here I have the tools to beat this forever and this is my time now and I will  win this time.  I'm sort of doing a 10 day mini goals  so today is a big day for me. Next up is 60 days which is very near my birthday it will be an awesome birthday present. Good luck to everybody and God bless. The hard 90 is the only way to go.

Hi Jon, thanks for the kind words.  You are doing it the way I did it.  I don't know any other way to do it.  Your comments about anxiety, depression, and biting nails, are all things I, also, experienced, but do not any longer.  Your nail biting comment is interesting.  When I was actively addicted, using every day, I bit my nails all the time.  One of the side effects of quitting is the lowering of anxiety, and, I no longer bite my nails.  My voice level dropped as well, which is something a lot of guys experience.

You are an example to everyone that quitting porn can be done.  Your example is telling them that. 

Keep going.  Porn is not an option.

WilliamOneAndDone.

I've been a nailbiter all my life. It's gotten a lot worse since I quit porn. It would be great if as a byproduct I was able to quit this as well. I've always been nervous and anxious all my life plus I've always thought I have social anxiety disorder. I've got a ways to go before I get in my ninety plus  days but I will be curious to see the results of quitting my addiction.  The one thing that I need to get under control is  my eating. I've been eating like a king Henry the eighth lately and I am definitely putting on the pounds. I'm  giving myself some slack but if I don't watch I'll have to buy some new clothes. My main goal though is quitting this addiction forever forever.

The best thing I did was listen to what you said in that message you sent William. I watched all the videos that you suggested and followed your advice to the T. The main thing that hooked me was reading your posts. After I read them I knew I could do it. I just wish that I would've found this sooner. Better late than never.

This may sound cocky but I know right now I will not relapse and I am done with porn forever.

Today is day 54 for me. I am still strong and confident as ever. My turning point came when I had quit for just about a week and a half and I had a weak moment  and I started  to look for an article in a magazine online that wasn't porn  but an article about porn websites. It was the beginning of a relapse for me. As soon as I started looking I came across an article about Terry Crews and his battle with his own porn addiction. This article jolted me  so much that I quit looking immediately and started looking for help on line which led me to Reboot Nation.  The rest of the story is that this site has helped me more than any other form of help that I've looked for in beating this addiction. It gave me the tools I needed to make it as far as I have so far and the resolve to finish  The hard 90 day reboot.

The past couple of days have been physically rough on me. I can't tell if I have a sickness or I'm having bad withdrawals with physical sensations. I have these really bad headaches and I get so exhausted I fall asleep all the time then I wake up groggy  and sluggish. I've also been eating like I'm King Henry the eighth. I've been eating junk food constantly but if I have to trade that off and gain a few  pounds to beat this addiction so be it. So far I'm doing great resisting any temptations to relapse. I'm more than halfway there and I am done with PMO.  I'm doing  this completely hard mode. I have not watched any pornography, I have not masturbated at all or had any orgasm during my streak

I admire your efforts here!Good luck and keep working it.

Thank you polar  This site is a huge help to me