Almost at my 90 day mark, I need a bit of guidance

So I am approaching in my 90 day hard reboot on Monday I believe.  I have been clean the whole time, I did not relapse, only thing I did do was open a fake Facebook account and did a little bit of flirting but no M,  that lasted about a week and then I come to realize what I'm doing is wrong and I'm just gonna end up relapsing so I deleted the account.  I have also woken up a few times in the morning with a woody and strocked it a little bit but never orgasm so  I think I have been pretty clean so far.  My issue is that I am married and been clean all this time and my wife knows about my situation and I am wondering if and when and how do I start to get on track again with a normal sexual relationship, she is not ready to have sex with me because of an affair I had about 2 yrs ago so do I start to masterbate with her around, or do I just continue to not do anything and be clean?  I spoke with her about it and she seems to think that if I do masturbate then it's pleasure that I'm getting without her and that may not be the healthiest choice, so I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.  Does anyone have any tips or guidance for me.  Maybe there's somebody out there that can provide me with the right answer, a professional answer.
I'm so confused about what to do and what not to do, I feel like my head is all messed up

One issue that really needs to be addressed is that your wife needs some kind of help to overcome the effects of the affair. There are many self help books available to help her gain perspective on the reasons why affairs happen and how to heal relationships but I suspect that after 2 years she needs more than self help. It may well be that both of you need couples counselling in order to get past whatever the issues are that are preventing her from moving forward. In fact, there's no reason why she can't seek therapy for herself and perhaps she actually needs some kind of outside support before she can work on repairing the relationship. She may have a lot of unresolved feelings to process first.

Online support is also an option especially if money is tight or counselling isn't available. As a partner of a porn addict she is welcome to ask for help on the partner's section here, of course. She has both porn addiction and infidelity to deal with. In any case, betrayal trauma can be difficult to overcome without some support and it seems as if she's getting stuck somewhere.

As for yourself, I'm not male and I'm not a porn addict so I can't say what you should and shouldn't do but in my experience many porn addicts do not have a healthy relationship with the masturbation and have lost touch with their own sexuality and even their physical sensations. A lot of work was done in the 1970s/80s with helping women to feel comfortable with their own bodies and explore their own physical responses. It was a very different time and female sexual pleasure was taboo, but these were a grass roots projects by women for women. I feel that a lot could be learned and adapted from these projects for men recovering from porn addicts so they can get back in touch with their own bodies and rediscover their sexuality. Some of these ideas and techniques are not dissimilar to 'sensate focusing' only for one rather than as a couple. In fact, sensate focusing is something you and your wife might like to consider as part of recovering your sexual relationship when she is ready.

It's essential that you don't confuse abstinence with recovery. You need to define what recovery means for you. If part of that recovery is a renewed relationship with your wife then you have to address it. 90 days without porn is a significant achievement in itself but it won't address what's going on in your relationship. I feel certain that my partner's recovery has been successful so far because he worked on rebuilding our relationship and reconnecting sexually rather than counting days of abstinence. Recovering a relationship from porn addiction isn't easy, and feelings can run very high at times because you have the depth of the hurt in one partner and the shame and regret of the other. That's why  support is essential and believe me, your wife needs it to help her get out beyond how she is feeling right now.

Good luck.

Thanks for the great words and advice. We have been doing couples counselling for the past two years, and has been getting better,  I guess I just think things should be further than they are. what is sensate focusing about and how would we describe that?

Basically she doesn't want to let her guard down in case I cheat again.

Be transparent, be accountable, stop even considering sexting with other women on fb, show her you are trustworthy, telling her has no value. Why should she let her guard down when you are unfaithful if not in flesh, but in your mind ?

Papa, sensate focussing is a technique whereby couples reconnect physically by touch, initially avoiding touching the genital areas and breasts. The aim is to explore each other's bodies and (re)discover where it feels good and how you like to be touched. Eventually you build up towards touching the erongenous zones and genital areas, by which time you're both probably wanting to go all the way. There are bound to be online articles and books. I think you need to give it a few weeks, building up slowly. I haven't used it 'formally' but certainly in the early stages of reconnection after my husband quit porn, we didn't go for the full on sexual experience for some time because he was physically numbed by his porn use. We rediscovered each other's physical responses through touch and reestablished emotional intimacy too.

Unfortunately for all of us, regardless of our situation, "not letting our guard down" doesn't protect us against anything. It doesn't protect our relationships from relapses or anything else resembling what might have happened before. It's the first tenet of being a partner of an addict ? we can't control anyone else's behaviour. That applies to everything in life, not just addictions.

You seem to be doing your best, but whatever is blocking your wife's progress needs serious consideration right now. It's really difficult taking the risk of being vulnerable again, but without that risk intimacy can't happen. With me it worked the other way round. I was already opening myself to physical and emotional intimacy when I realised how vulnerable it made me. It was scary, but I had to just go along with those confusing and unsettling feelings, because there was no way to have intimacy without vulnerability.

As you are both having counselling, perhaps the area of trust being about taking that risk can be explored? "Feel the fear and do it anyway" is the phrase that comes to mind.

Hey guys I'm back, it's been a while. Im at 142 days now but I just checked in because the last few weeks has been tough. I had opened up a couple fake Facebook accounts and a couple fake email addressesvand I have been flirting with disaster. I've been chatting on Facebook with people that I don't even know.  Anyways I come to realize of my fuck up and I did NOT relapse but came close and I am trying to get myself back on track now, I have deleted all those accounts so I am hoping to nip this thing in the butt.

Good luck with everything my friend.  Stay strong.

papa,

i sense you are seeking human connection which may not be coming from your wife.
therefore your took your current actions.

actions are merely responses to root causes.
please take the time to deal with the root cause sensitively, sincerely and directly.

take care my friend

Hi Pap,

Earlier in this thread there was a post about concentrating on the abstinence, rather than the recovery.

If you are simply counting days without "failing" you are by implication, looking to fail again after x days.

I'd suggest you need to look at the decision you made. Was it a decision to change your behaviour or a just a way to get back on terms with your wife? From what you say about your Facebook and email activities, you've not yet committed to give up your flirting and sexting, both of which are actions that lead you into dangerous territory.

Partners know us. they know what's going on in our minds. They sense stuff. Your wife almost certainly has picked up on something about your behaviour that isn't entirely authentic. She's unlikely to welcome you with open arms whilst that is still on her mind.

I'm not sitting on some pinnacle of excellence here - (read my journal if you want to know where I'm coming from) but you, my friend, need to decide whether you want to fix your life for yourself, and your wife, or whether you want to carry on deceiving both of you. Deceiving yourself is a rotten place to be, as you are constantly both lying and being lied to.

TakeActionNow said:

papa,

i sense you are seeking human connection which may not be coming from your wife.
therefore your took your current actions.

actions are merely responses to root causes.
please take the time to deal with the root cause sensitively, sincerely and directly.

take care my friend

Click to expand...

Yes but how do I figure out what the root cause is??

P,
Every decision we take now, has some degree of influence from a decision /action taken a while ago.
For example
I want to go to the loo to pee (action)
Why? Cos i feel urgent (feeling)
Why? Cos my bladder is full (consequence)
Why? Cos i drank lots of beer earlier (action)
Why? Cos i was thirsty (feeling)
Why? Cos i was walking down the street and saw someone having a pint and that looked delicious and i wanted one for myself too (trigger/desire)
Why? Cos it was a damn hot day (environment)

You see the sequence of events?
You might think, ya its common sense. Nothing special.
True, but what this example shows is, things happen for a reason. Search deeply for a while and you start discovering triggers, emotions and events that over time eventually lead to a likely outcome.
This is understanding the root cause.

Humans are responsive creatures.
We respond to stimuli over time.
To understand our actions better, we need to be more
- mindful of our actions
- sensitive of our feelings
- aware of our triggers

Give it a try.
Ask 5 whys to why you do something
Reflect your emotional states across the day. Is there a gradual buildup?
Through this, you will get to better understand yourself and the roots of your actions

Wow that sounds really complicated. I will try my best. Boy this PMO really fucked my life up.

TakeActionNow, that is one of the best exercises I have ever read on discovering root causes! You should start a thread with that technique, really. I think it would help a lot of people. Good stuff!