"Self-Mastery"- A Journal

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Freethinker

Guest
Hello everyone. Some of you may remember me from YBR. I?m not there anymore. I had a few attempts at a journal over there with a few streaks of no PMO, with 53 days being the longest.

LTE, Midge, fcjl8 : You guys have blazed some trails at YBR and I have the utmost respect for what you?ve accomplished.  I?m here partly because you guys are here but also because I need a fresh start.  I believe you guys can be anchors here and lend much credibility to reboot nation .

Gabe, the same can be said of you. As an older guy I want to say you?re a great example for your generation.  Thanks for starting up this forum and providing a place for a fresh start for some of us. Your journey deserves respect and admiration. 

Here?s the reader?s digest version of my story: I started humping my pillow probably at 6 or 7 yrs. old because I liked the way it felt.  I believe I experienced prepubescent orgasms (if that?s possible). I had two older brothers so access to porn magazines came early, age 7 or so. I saw my first super 8mm ?stag? film at age 12. That?s around the time that I started masturbating in earnest.  The rest of my story is not unique. Porn magazines, followed by VHS rentals and eventually internet porn. 

There?s a lot more that I can write about concerning my PMO odyssey, sex in marriage, the challenges of getting older as it relates to sexuality, etc. Throw in stress, business challenges, personal loss and it all makes for quite a season of ?As My World Turns?. 

I wanted to get this journal started so I?ve at least done that. I?m realizing that ?self-mastery? does not come easy as it relates to PMO addiction. I?m ready to begin anew today, which is day 3. I tried the spreadsheet route and was convinced that was the best way to track progress. It wasn?t for me because it allows for weakness. As painful as it is to reset the counter, I will not beat myself up for having to. I will try to be my best friend and forgive myself for ?temporary? failures as they may come.

As I've said in other journals, sometimes I don't feel like I have much to say so I don't write. That's probably not the best approach. Maybe just coming on here and creating a "stream of consciousness" missive is what is required at times. I don't know. I'll try to be transparent concerning myself and helpful when commenting to others. I just don't want to be a "bore". Thanks for reading. To be continued??
 
M

midge

Guest
Hey, FT. It's good to see you here. I've not been terribly active here yet, but it's a good group of guys and I do like the accountability of maintaining a presence somewhere. I need all the good sense and bracing reminders I can get. Overall, though, things are going well. You sound hopeful and determined, and we're lucky to have you with us. Take care, bud.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Great to see you. Let the consciousness stream. :)
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Thanks midge & LTE. I'm hopeful that I can put together some streaks and eventually a sustained period of rebooting.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Freethinker said:
Thanks midge & LTE. I'm hopeful that I can put together some streaks and eventually a sustained period of rebooting.
You CAN do it, man.
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Thanks Viper and "J".

I had to bring my father-in-law to the VA hospital for cancer treatment today. It makes for a stressful day, but despite that it is a beautiful day here in the southern U.S. I'm thankful for the strength I'm feeling today to meet the responsibilities of family and running my business.

I feel in control with no desire to PMO. The last time I felt this confident I was able to put together a good number of days.
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
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Admin
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@Freethinker

Thanks for the kind words FT! I just want to provide others with what was provided to me, a story of hope, and a place for recovery.

I started humping my pillow probably at 6 or 7 yrs. old because I liked the way it felt

I humped just about everything in my house at some point lol. I would pile up a bunch of towels and put a toilet paper role in the middle and hump it and pretend it was the real deal. Needless to say this didn't work at all as our dicks are not made for cardboard -_- haha

I'll try to be transparent concerning myself and helpful when commenting to others. I just don't want to be a "bore"

Write what is on your heart and mind... that is one of the reasons for this place. You will not be a bore, especially in your own journal!

Welcome to the Nation man!

Congrats on making it 53 days! You have done it once you can do it again, I hope you find the tools you need here to succeed.

Much love
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Thanks Gabe. I try to be honest without being offensive. I believe everyone's path is unique and we all have different reasons for wanting to quit PMO. Some of us have reached the outer edges of what we deem to be acceptable behavior, even when we're alone.

I've been PMOing a long time but I don't see myself as a really hard case. I do want to attain a higher level of self mastery and know that I can be completely content with the physical relationship I have with my wife of over 20 yrs. I want to get to where I am not just seeking my own pleasure for pleasure's sake but am content to let it be a mutual pursuit, even if it means being patient with my wife's health problems and lack of libido at times. She's 52 and has had a totally hysterectomy since her early 40's. I know I have to keep her hormonal situation in mind. I also don't want to continue to use PMO as a "drug" to cope with daily challenges and stresses.
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
A busy day ahead. Tonight I'm having a sleep study done. I've had symptoms of sleep apnea for several years. Physically, I don't really fit the profile. I'm not overweight ( 6', 190 lbs). My father had undiagnosed apnea which led to him dying of heart failure at 59.

I've never done well with sleeping which I'm sure has contributed to my PMO usage over the years. When you're constantly tired you get irritated and stressed more easily. It's easy to reach for the PMO opiate and a quick dopamine fix to get that sense of calm and take the edge off. We all know where that leads: anything so physically and psychologically rewarding can end up doing more harm than good when habit becomes obsession and obsession becomes addiction. 

If the sleep study confirms what I already know, I'll probably be prescribed CPAP (Sexy!). That should lead to much better quality sleep which will hopefully make handling the challenges of daily life go more smoothly. My business involves dealing with people daily and can be quite stressful because people can be very difficult. I'm hoping that feeling more rested will give me a renewed energy and optimism to meet daily challenges. This should help keep me from looking to PMO or any variant thereof as a personal coping "tool".

I think I mentioned in my old YBR journal that porn without MO really doesn't interest me much, certainly not like when I was younger. I started masturbation fairly young and for me it filled a void of growing up without a father (heavy alcoholic, unfaithful. Parents divorced before I was 1 yr. old) , having a mother who worked a lot (never received a dime of alimony or child support), and having a lot of time by myself. I was a  "latchkey kid". By the time I was 12 both of my older brothers were in the Navy. Before they enlisted they were constantly "ratting the streets". My mother couldn't control them.  I started "raising" myself at a young age.

My mother was very loving and had a huge heart. She really had no choice in having to work so much to make ends meet. She wasn't a feminist or domineering in any way. She was very free-spirited and artistic( She was a photographer). She knew that I was mature enough to fend for myself a good bit of the time. I was, however, more insecure than she realized.  I believe this influenced me seeking the comfort of masturbation at a young age.

I said all of this to explain that I view myself as a "rugged individualist". This is why when I post here I don't like to take on the tone of being "victimized".  I was in the Marines when I was younger. I had to learn to fight at a young age to keep from being "victimized" by people. If you asked me if I am tough, I would say "hell yes I'm tough!" That's why sometimes I get impatient with the whiny tone that some people take on these forums. It made me sick of YBR on more than one occasion and even affected some of my posts by making me sound a bit weak and whiny. That's why I still don't feel totally comfortable with the term addiction even though I totally understand the brain chemical connection to PMO and intellectually embrace the concepts espoused on YBOP.

I think we are living in an era of "soft men". I think it takes resolve and a bit of toughness to quit anything that we're compelled to do but really want to stop doing. Do these forums help? Probably so, even though in limited ways. Anyway, I'm here, right?  This is the closest I've ever come to having a journal of any type. Most of the time, I live a somewhat stoic existence and internalize all of the things in life that trouble me. PMO is no different.
It hasn't ruined my life. It's just something that "bothers"me in that it makes me feel weaker than I perceive myself to be. As Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". I know quitting PMO will not kill me and will only make me stronger.

I guess I've tested your reading patience enough for now.
 

Jverhoye

Active Member
I appreciated reading this last post, FT.  The more you share the better we understand you.  Maybe I'm totally wrong but my experience leads me to surmise that you are really hard on yourself, especially if you perceive you are being "weak" in some area of your life.  For me, the hardest and "toughest" thing I've ever had to do was give up PMO, and, to forgive myself for all the damage it has caused in my relationships.  It's been a 3 year process of heavy lifting, and I'm a better man for it, but I'm still working on it every day.

Please keep putting it out there.  I really enjoy your perspective!
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Freethinker said:
I said all of this to explain that I view myself as a "rugged individualist". This is why when I post here I don't like to take on the tone of being "victimized".  I was in the Marines when I was younger. I had to learn to fight at a young age to keep from being "victimized" by people. If you asked me if I am tough, I would say "hell yes I'm tough!" That's why sometimes I get impatient with the whiny tone that some people take on these forums. It made me sick of YBR on more than one occasion and even affected some of my posts by making me sound a bit weak and whiny. That's why I still don't feel totally comfortable with the term addiction even though I totally understand the brain chemical connection to PMO and intellectually embrace the concepts espoused on YBOP.

I think we are living in an era of "soft men". I think it takes resolve and a bit of toughness to quit anything that we're compelled to do but really want to stop doing. Do these forums help? Probably so, even though in limited ways. Anyway, I'm here, right?  This is the closest I've ever come to having a journal of any type. Most of the time, I live a somewhat stoic existence and internalize all of the things in life that trouble me. PMO is no different.
It hasn't ruined my life. It's just something that "bothers"me in that it makes me feel weaker than I perceive myself to be. As Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". I know quitting PMO will not kill me and will only make me stronger.
I couldn't agree more, everything that these kids are influenced by seems designed to inhibit masculinity. I like to think of myself as tough, but gentle and understanding without compromising my individuality.
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
It feels good to be close to a week. I've been feeling in control over urges this week. I still have very high stress levels to contend with. My sleep study did not go to well because I could only sleep about 3 hrs total. I've got lots of things to make me lose sleep, the least of which is PMO. I am exhausted though, so I know that's when weakness starts to creep in. Getting 5-6 hrs. of sleep per night for 25 yrs. is starting to catch up to me.

Being tired all the time is depressing. Depression leads to seeking comfort. PMO = comfort. I have never been one to binge on PMOing: never engaged to the point of exhaustion. I have suffered with extreme tinnitus in my right ear for many years. It's like a constant, unrelenting form of stress. It sucks so fucking bad words can hardly describe it. It makes sleep difficult even in the absence of any other stress.

I believe that my PMO use, at least in recent years, has not brought about my exhaustion, but, has been used to cope with being constantly tired and physically stressed with  ailments and emotional challenges. These are the things that have happened in the last 5 yrs in my world:

My mother, who raised me alone, died.
My older brother died.
My uncle/godfather died
I've had to have to elderly pets (15+ yrs.) euthanized
I lost major business accounts that cut my income by 75%
I had a major foot injury that disabled me for 6 months ( 5 titanium screws hold heel & ankle together)
My wife has consistently challenging health issues ( too many to discuss, but she's still HOT, just not horny)
My other brother has heart problems and 40% COPD
My father-in-law has liver cancer and my brother-in-law has lymphoma

All of this is hard to share because I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch. I understand that what happens to some of us happens to all of us eventually. So, there really is no "woe is me" rooted in sharing this stuff. I'm not even sure of the value of writing this except to get it off my chest and maybe give a glimpse into my world to the few who may be interested. We all have our reasons for using.

My use of PMO started young as I said in my into, But I've always had "High-T" and have had a fairly successful sex life as an adult. I had a few hot girlfriends prior to my wife. Had great sex with all of them and lived with one for almost 4 yrs. She was a flight attendant, back when they were mostly hot. (don't ask for details  ;)) Despite all of that, I still used porn because I was more over sexed than they were. Hey, I was in my 20's.

I think my use over the years just settled into an opiate as the stress of career, marriage, and ever growing responsibilities got a foothold. Also, I believe it became more daily over the last 3-5 yrs because of a lot of the things I listed above. Anyway, there's a little more of my story. Have a good weekend everyone.



 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Jverhoye said:
I appreciated reading this last post, FT.  The more you share the better we understand you.  Maybe I'm totally wrong but my experience leads me to surmise that you are really hard on yourself, especially if you perceive you are being "weak" in some area of your life.  For me, the hardest and "toughest" thing I've ever had to do was give up PMO, and, to forgive myself for all the damage it has caused in my relationships.  It's been a 3 year process of heavy lifting, and I'm a better man for it, but I'm still working on it every day.

Please keep putting it out there.  I really enjoy your perspective!
JV,
I'm absolutely hard on myself. Always have been. I joined the Marine Corps so I must be some kind of a masochist anyway, right?  ;D  Seriously, I'm learning to go a bit easier on myself which helps me be more compassionate in general. All perfectionism does is lead to disappointment and self-doubt. I understand these things intellectually but actually living it takes consistent practice. Thanks for your thoughts.
 

fcjl8

Active Member
I just read your last two posts Freethinker,

Man, I truly admire you. I sympathize with all the "loss" you have faced in the past 5 years. Alas, that is the cruel edge of human experience. We love people and pets and we lose people and pets. Treasure and honour those that you have lost, I am sure you do. Remember to let the grieving process complete itself. I think we often want it over , poste haste and cut it off prematurely. This lead to lingering pain that really never turns into healing.

You did not come across as whiny!!! You came across as an honest and genuine Man! That honesty will serve you in recovery. We men have to let the process fully work itself and that often means periods of discomfort. Masking this pain only allows the addiction of choice (PMO in our case) to appear to be a way of coping. Which it is never!

I think you are making great progress. I speak for myself but am sure others agree. I am here for you brother!
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Thanks for the supportive words Paul. You have been consistently positive in your words and encouragement to many members at YBR and now here at RN. I'm happy for your progress and know you understand the challenge as well as any of us.

My life is not going too well currently and it would be so easy to reach out to the opiate that has soothed me for so many years. I don't want to do that today.

As far as the looses I've mentioned, I understand the nature of grief and I don't feel that I'm caught in an unending cycle of it. I miss those that I mentioned but I accept the losses. Dying is part of living. My main problems seem to be in rumination leading to heightened emotions. I have lots of problems currently that are keeping me from sleeping. I haven't slept well in a very long time. I'm losing my ability to experience joy.

I've taken some reputable depression tests online and they do indicate that I probably have clinical depression, although not as bad as some. Depression meds terrify me so I've got to work through things in a more holistic way. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying a slow death from the inside out. I'm a fighter though, so I have that going for me.



 

Jverhoye

Active Member
I admire your strength, FT.  I also do not hear you being whiny.  Too many of us don't talk about losses and grief and other difficult emotions.  You are setting a helpful example to all of us.  I will say that, while I am not a mental health professional, it seems like you are experiencing some very understandable depression.  Whatever you can do to give yourself the help and care that you deserve will only reap dividends.  You are worth taking care of, and you clearly have wisdom that comes through in your postings.  Be good to yourself!
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
Freethinker said:
Thanks Gabe. I try to be honest without being offensive
[size=12pt]
I believe that the subject matter which unites all of us here is porn abuse.
Just that alone makes for edgy and sometimes offensive dialogue.
But we have to put it all out there. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
As long as you're not directly disrespecting someone.
People read so they can pick our brain. There are some cold hard facts
that are hard to accept in this tangled web we have woven.

 
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