My Story of My Addiction to Camgirls

Hello everyone,

My name is Andy and I am new on here. I signed up for Reboot Nation because this week I have finally acknowledged to myself that I have a serious problem. It is a problem that I have struggled with for over four years now since 2016. I came here for help and I sit here typing all choked up with tears welling in my eyes. It is a problem that has for brief moments given me a thrill and pleasure to be followed by a never ending dread and anxiety that many times makes my heart hurt. I am addicted to Camgirls. And this is my story.

It all started my senior year of college. It was December of 2016 and I was taking a break from studying for finals week. I was alone in my dorm as all my roommates were out. I was single so I didn't have a girlfriend to visit so like all 21 year old males I went onto Pornhub to relieve myself. As I was scrolling my curiosity got the better of me. At the top of the Pornhub page I clicked on the tab that read in white bold print, "LIVE CAMS." I had always noticed that tab every time I logged onto Pornhub but in the past I ignored it. But that night I decided to try something different. I clicked on the LIVE CAMS link and was greeted with a plethora of women ranging in age from 18-50+ from all over the world. All of them live on camera willing to do anything you pleased. For a single 21 year old virgin I felt I hit the jackpot.

I picked out a young woman who on her profile said she was 19 and was from Russia. She was blonde and damn I still remember she was beautiful. This was my first time doing anything like this so a mixture of excitement and foolishness raced through my mind. We entered an exclusive chat session and we both masturbated together as I talked sexy to her and she moaned and played with herself. It was weird and thrilling to me and before I knew it I had capped out my maximum spending limit of around $200! I forget the exact amount but it was around that amount. I logged off thinking this was the first and the only time I would do something like this. I thought it was one of those things you try in college and move on. For others maybe but for me I had just stepped foot into a deep rabbit hole.

A month later I was again scrolling through porn and noticed a link to another Camgirl site called Cams.com. I remembered how much I enjoyed using the camgirl a month prior so I set up an account and before I knew it I was spending hundreds of dollars on there. Camgirls from all over the world I used from Eastern and Western Europe and the USA. Never having had a girlfriend I reasoned this was the next best thing for now. In my mind I reasoned I'm not the only guy on here using these models. And so on it went for the rest of my Senior year. Before I graduated from college I had signed up for a second webcam model website called Streamate and had deleted my Cams.com account. I forget how much money I had spent at that point but it was several hundred dollars. Money I could've used elsewhere or just simply saved.

During this time I began to question the morality of what I was doing. I didn't know who these girls were and what their stories were and how they ended up becoming camgirls exposing themselves and performing all kinds of sexual activities for guys like me. Many were as young as 18. I began panicking maybe some of these girls were trafficked for forced to do this (They weren't) but in my highly anxious mind (I've always had extreme anxiety) I felt like I was guilty of a crime. I felt like an abuser who took advantage of these girls and I felt dirty and shameful. But I kept using them because the brief thrill of masturbating on camera with a live girl always got the better of me and my bank account.

After I graduated I was still single and all my friends had scattered pursuing their own lives I felt alone. By this point 22 years old, still single and a virgin. So I turned again to camgirls. By this point my fear of camgirls being trafficked had gone away because they simply weren't as I found out. So now I began to use Streamate and would typically use camgirls ranging in age from 18-25. I know these websites age verify all of their models but in my anxious mind I still would ask them their ages. Some got quite annoyed at me with this but I couldn't help myself. As the months went by some camgirls I got to know more personally and they got to know me as well. But deep down I knew this wasn't healthy. My money was being drained trying to build "relationships" with these camgirls and looking back I realize just how unhealthy this was.

Periodically I would cancel my subscription and try to quit cold turkey. But I could never resist the temptation to go back on. This cycle has continued ever since and I have not told anyone about this except my therapist who I had to stop seeing because of Covid. And the Covid pandemic has made my addiction even worse because now I feel even more alone although I live with my family. I am 25 years old now, still single and a virgin and I am completely exhausted. I am tired of spending my money on Camgirls when I can save it for better things. I am tired of the shame and the guilt I feel each time I log on for a cam session. I am tired of the anxiety I feel that somehow what I did and am still doing is wrong and somehow constitutes a great mortal sin. I am tired of the chest pains and panic attacks I feel every time I think about my addiction being exposed to the world and how my friends and family would judge me for it.

I'm tired of being this way and I am begging for help. I am asking for someone to listen and help me make the anxiety, shame and guilt go away. I want to live with peace of mind and I can't find any. Nothing in my opinion is worse than being unable to live your life without peace of mind.

This is my story.

Welcome Andy,

Cam sites were a component of my addiction, though they weren't the core of it, nor did I interact with the girls.  I'd just lurk when the cams were public, and maybe track down the private videos later.  I liked that they were more of the sweet/kind/girl-next-door variety and not the raunchy porn star variety.  It helped that I was constantly wondering what was on those sites when I wasn't looking, and easy to fall into a porn FOMO and constantly have to peek, especially on long stretches of abstinence or at peak times (which usually meant not sleeping).

They really are a unique sort of bait, aren't they?  They work as a porn addiction, but they all pretend to satiate our need for human connection in the less kinky, more human relational ways.  It always fascinated me how many of the guys on there talking to the girls just wanted to be seen, acknowledged, or have something nice said to them.  The colder and more distant our world gets, the more appealing this gets.  And, the world is very cold and distant right now.  Even people in "relationships" are cold with each other much of the time.  But, it only pretends to satiate.  At best it is like junk food, empty calories.  But even junk food has a caloric value, and I'm not sure I can give that much credit to these artificial relationships.

I'd slightly disagree on the trafficking.  One time I remember watching a cam and the young woman was very sullen and disinterested.  Some gave a very small tip that was supposed to elicit a reaction, and she barely reacted.  She started to stand up to drop her leggings, and had trouble standing.  A pair of large, hairy arms came in from off camera and dropped her pants for her, rather impatiently.  It appeared that she had some sort of physical disability.  This isn't to say that any majority of the cam girls are trafficked (why I said I'd only slightly disagree) but it is definitely out there.  Plus, not all exploitation is necessarily trafficking.  Telling a girl with no educational, professional or financial prospects that she can make big money doing this stuff is a sort of exploitation, too.

I'd also say that 100% of them are definitely acting.  Think the really good waitress that seems so happy to bring you a basket of bread and a glass of water... she will smile and make you feel great even if she's having the worst day of her life.  That is how these cam girls are.  They know being cute, smiling and seeming genuinely touched by a stranger calling them pretty is the right way to do this job.  They're really good at laughing at lame jokes.  Sure, there are other ways to do it, some have a bit more of a "hard to get" attitude until people drop money, and so on, but you get the idea.  From what I understand they are often grossly underpaid.  The cam sites will tell the young women they can potentially earn crazy amounts of money but in reality they don't get nearly as much as promised unless they are the absolute top tier, kinda like when you sign up to sell ginsu knives or Mary Kay products.  There will be top paid cam girls who will get soft news write ups about how they're paying their way through college, but they are a very tiny percentage.

I don't say any of this because I think you don't know it already.  I'm sure you do.  But, it helps to remind ourselves of it.  A HUGE part of quitting porn for me was killing the illusion.  It was knowing there is a strange man behind the curtain, the puppeteer under the felt puppet, and so on.  I think you're half way there.  An unrepentant abuser of alcohol isn't going to know how annoying he is when he's drunk.  The one who is getting closer to quitting knows the damage he does when he drinks. 

You strike me as someone who is naturally highly empathetic and that is why you connect to the cam girls.  That empathy has likely been hijacked by the illusion that these girls want nothing more than to connect with you... for a modest price, of course.

I don't exactly recommend it because it would be a big trigger, but I will mention it and leave it up to your judgment: there was an episode of Workaholics called Webcam Girl where the three guys obsess over a cam girl and compete over her on Valentine's Day.  I always remembered that episode because they did a good job of showing how the guys were just moths bumping into a flame.  Make of that what you will.

You definitely can beat this.  You seem to have evaluated and diagnosed your situation very well, and that is way more than what people have when they first show up to places like this. 

Hello everyone,

So today is the first day since I have begun trying to quit my addiction to camgirls. Its been difficult but I am trying. I made the extra effort of downloading an app on my phone called BlockSite that allows you to block individual websites. I also downloaded it onto my computer and I blocked every cam website I could think of. Each time I tried to go onto Streamate's website I got a notice saying I blocked the website. Needless to say its going to be a long road ahead but I feel its a first step in the right direction.

My anxiety has had control over me all day today. These scenarios have been playing out in my head of my addiction being revealed and its been causing me a lot of stress that I don't need. I'm trying to get my mind off of these scenarios but its been very hard. I want to talk to my parents about everything I've done but I am afraid to. I'm afraid of the judgment and embarrassment I will feel. I don't want to feel this way but right now I'm too ashamed to say anything to anyone. I know what I was doing wasn't illegal but there is this overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt I feel every time I think about the last four years of my life I've spent wasting my time on camgirl websites.

I wish I could go back in time to that moment I was alone in my dorm room the first time I was about to use camgirls. I want to talk to my younger self and tell him to stop and don't do it. Because if I go ahead I will be going down a deep and dark rabbit hole that will give you nothing but anxiety and shame.

This is an interesting read, I learned a lot. Thank you for sharing.

Hello everyone,

Its been a couple days since my last post. I have blocked all the webcam model websites I could find using Blocksite. They are blocked on my phone and all my web browsers. Its been easier than I thought it trying to break my addiction. I have continued to use traditional pornography websites but those have never been my addiction.

I have also taken a step further to start seeing my therapist again. Its been over a year since the last time I saw her but that was due to Covid and I'm vaccinated now and so is she. I'm going on Wednesday and I have a lot to talk about concerning my camgirl addiction. One of the things thats been triggering my anxiety is this inability to overcome the shame and guilt I feel. I am constantly punishing myself over the time and money I spent the last four years using camgirls. It gets so bad my heart hurts and I feel chest pains as a result. It gets to the point where sometimes I feel I'm going to give myself a heart attack.

This is followed by an intense sadness and longing to undo the past. I want to go back in time and stop myself from using my first camgirl and prevent everything that followed. I have this image of myself that at one point I used to be a good person but then when I started using camgirls I am no longer a good person. I feel morally corrupt inside and I no longer feel like I am a good person. Its a living hell.

Stay vigilant with the blocking. I currently use cleanbrowsing.org, getcoldturkey.com, Norton Family, a "dummy" email account, and I've modified the "HOSTS" file on my windows based computer. I have separate randomly generated passwords for each account. To keep the passwords out of reach I printed them all on one sticky label, printed multiple copies of the sticky label, and stuck the labels inside multiple books at a library an hour's drive from my home. This method has worked well for me. If ever a block needs to be adjusted I can make the adjustment using a computer at the library and I never have to leave the library with the passwords.