Not one to share information that isn't helpful to others, but this is a time where I need assistance. I gave into this addiction 4 times today after days of abstinence, and this is how it has been for the past 11 years (23) that I have tried to quit porn; a week at most of abstinence and one major downturn day that creates unbearable depression. I have read articles, watched videos, and attempted everything I learn (at least to my knowledge) but have yet to achieve more than 2 weeks of abstinence ever. I feel as if there is a massive blind spot I am missing, something I subconsciously refuse to attempt, that spans across my relationships, income, career, environment, that remains unchanged throughout this time.
Sharing my current situation
- Thread starter Legend
- Start date
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
Hello there,
I don't think anyone who has quit successfully has gone without having large streaks like what you're describing. Personally, I DID have blind spots. I also wasn't diligent enough with triggers. Our willpower get exhausted after a week or two, and the tank is completely empty and we can't help but not only relapse, but binge. You say you've done a lot of homework so I'm not sure what to say that wouldn't be redundant, but I don't think the materials out there talk enough about isolating triggers, the porn ones will be fairly obvious, the general sex ones will also be kinda obvious, but also the relational ones, the emotional ones, the stress ones, and even the pavlovian ones, where you're just encountering a situation where you'd always PMO (that time right after work, or whatever). For me, and a lot of others, navigating that minefield takes a lot of time. If you can take control of triggers, then you can avoid depleting your will power.
It takes time, and it takes an open mind, especially for someone who starts pretty young. But, retrace your steps through your relapses (and near relapses, those can be helpful, too) and you'll slowly but surely get a grip on it.
Quitting never feels possible in the early days, but it is 100% possible!
I don't think anyone who has quit successfully has gone without having large streaks like what you're describing. Personally, I DID have blind spots. I also wasn't diligent enough with triggers. Our willpower get exhausted after a week or two, and the tank is completely empty and we can't help but not only relapse, but binge. You say you've done a lot of homework so I'm not sure what to say that wouldn't be redundant, but I don't think the materials out there talk enough about isolating triggers, the porn ones will be fairly obvious, the general sex ones will also be kinda obvious, but also the relational ones, the emotional ones, the stress ones, and even the pavlovian ones, where you're just encountering a situation where you'd always PMO (that time right after work, or whatever). For me, and a lot of others, navigating that minefield takes a lot of time. If you can take control of triggers, then you can avoid depleting your will power.
It takes time, and it takes an open mind, especially for someone who starts pretty young. But, retrace your steps through your relapses (and near relapses, those can be helpful, too) and you'll slowly but surely get a grip on it.
Quitting never feels possible in the early days, but it is 100% possible!
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello Legend,
i agree to everything DoneAtLast said.
I totally understand what you mean, because it was the same with me. When i quitted PMO i didn't know what the reason for me using it was and i don't know it now either. When i turend to PMO in younger years there maybe was a reason which i can identify now, like being alone a lot and divorced parents (again: i have no idea). What i want to say: The initial cause for us turning to PMO was maybe something that isn't there today anymore. Think about it.
PMO is an addiction and every addiction has its symptoms. To get off an addiction we must not give in to it, to turn the symptoms down. It's only then possible to find out about your self. Sorry to say, that it needs time to leave the addiction behind.
To leave it behind, do everything you can. Slowly and with patience, calm yourself down and prepare yourself for making changes to your life that can be sustainable. Remember: Saying no to PMO will change your life and it must change your life for the better.
I advice you to read success stories from others or journals of people who tackled it with success and see what they did. You are free to try everything and see if it helps.
All the best for you
Imsor
i agree to everything DoneAtLast said.
I totally understand what you mean, because it was the same with me. When i quitted PMO i didn't know what the reason for me using it was and i don't know it now either. When i turend to PMO in younger years there maybe was a reason which i can identify now, like being alone a lot and divorced parents (again: i have no idea). What i want to say: The initial cause for us turning to PMO was maybe something that isn't there today anymore. Think about it.
PMO is an addiction and every addiction has its symptoms. To get off an addiction we must not give in to it, to turn the symptoms down. It's only then possible to find out about your self. Sorry to say, that it needs time to leave the addiction behind.
To leave it behind, do everything you can. Slowly and with patience, calm yourself down and prepare yourself for making changes to your life that can be sustainable. Remember: Saying no to PMO will change your life and it must change your life for the better.
I advice you to read success stories from others or journals of people who tackled it with success and see what they did. You are free to try everything and see if it helps.
All the best for you
Imsor
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
imsorrynotsorry said:
It's not necessary to start using porn as a form of self-medication. Porn is the ultimate stimulant and curiosity. I'm sure I got hooked to porn as a form of medication but I didn't even see it that way back then, I was just super curious, excited about the whole thing. But the thing with porn is that it usually turns sooner or later into a "shortcut" for life. You might not start it for self-medication but you end up doing it for this anyway. Quitting porn is pain but it's through this pain that we will grow because porn is the ultimate comfort zone and it turns us back into kids, seriously, because of the effects that it has to the prefrontal cortex. It makes it shrink or something like that. I've read this in "The porn myth".
DoneAtLast said:
The way you brought this up made me think about triggers differently. I am aware of all my triggers including deep subconscious emotional ones. However I'm not aware on a micro scale of the second to second biological changes and the passing thoughts that last only a moment and induce dopaminergic changes. This could be where more meditation comes into play. I appreciate your advice.
imsorrynotsorry said:
Powerful. I haven't thought extensively on this idea. Something we were missing at a younger age may be resolved, yet the reward cycle is already ingrained. I realized this the other day finishing up the book Your Brain on Porn where Wilson quotes users who showed severe PIED after using VR porn. This shows that in the modern age, there doesn't need to be an emotional pain to escape; the dopamine release itself can be astronomical in a similar way to say, someone stating they have an emotional reason for using methamphetamines.
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
escapeandnevercomeback said:
This is really well said. Porn is alluring enough that no one needs to be in a sick/broken state to be a sitting duck for addiction. But, it can make us sick and broken. For example, someone can get hooked on pain meds when they didn't need them for pain, but if they try going OFF of them they'll experience pain after a while. Porn will dig through us and find all the little ways we are broken and use them to build itself a home in our psyches. I don't think I got hooked primarily because of any brokenness or insecurities, but being addicted to porn made those little areas much worse, and since porn was a good medication for them, the cycle continued.
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
Legend said:
I hear and understand that you've done a lot of work to figure out triggers, but to say you've covered ALL of them seems a little hubristic. Maybe you're a better man than me, but I was still figuring out some of them years after quitting! I really like your approach of thinking about the second to second stuff. I like the idea that a steady stream of mini-triggers can build pressure. I hope if you find something good on that you report back so someone else can benefit from it.
They really can be sneaky. One of my biggest triggers that kept me from making it past the one week mark was Sundays. Church in the mornings where I'd see big happy families would make me feel extra lonely, maybe run some errands where I'd see more families, then I'd go home to be bored all by myself. Combine that with a natural desire to "unwind" for my weekend, and relapse was inevitable. That took a while to unpack. I spent several months where I had solid 6 day streaks and messed it up on Sundays, then I'd occasionally get through every other Sunday.
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escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
DoneAtLast said:
It usually starts with me being frustrated with my sexless life and loneliness and then I "watch porn in my head" all day, sucking dopamine from those fuckin flashbacks as if they are the antidote or something. This builds up crazy urges that are often almost impossible to resist. That's why I'm crazy about telling people not to do this thing.
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
escapeandnevercomeback said:
It is funny how porn does that to us! It tells us our lives are awful because of porn and also presents itself as the remedy to our problems. I wonder if that dynamic exists with other addictions too. It reminds me of the Fat Bastard line "I'm fat because I eat... I eat because I'm fat... its a vicious cycle...."
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escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
DoneAtLast said:
Definitely. Porn promises us the ultimate comfort and gives us a miserable life. Escaping means facing suffering and this is where the tough part becomes. We love pleasure and hate pain and in this case we need to embrace pain in order to free ourselves. The sooner the addicts understand this, the sooner they have a chance. I have to drill into my head every day "There is no more porn for you, there is no more pleasure, you are walking away from this awesome thing forever."