Trying again

Time to try again. I have tried to quit many times in the past with little success. A few years ago I was able to quit for over 90 days and wow what a change. I know this works and need to get back to the real world.

Just finished a long relapse of a week. Found a video that played into deep fantasies and kept going back for more. The bad part, was the lack of guilt or feeling bad. In the past I usually bet myself up, but this time it was just enjoyment. Little voice still there, just not the overwhelming guilt. That is a bad sign. I want to be better than porn, so I know that I need to change.

I am sitting here fighting the urge to look now, however I want to change. Even though I didn't feel as bad as in the past,it is time.

I have been addicted to PMO for over 30 years and will soon be 46. I will try to update on a regular basis. Monday was the last day of PMO time to start making my life the life I want and deserve.

Glad you are here bettermyself,

You'll want to read up on some important facts at YourBrainOnPorn.com. You know you can do this, even better than before. Guilt and shame don't take us very far in overcoming porn, but most of us had to become entirely sick of our situation before we were ready for Reboot. Peace.

Hang in there.  If you have made it to 90, then you have the tools to do it again.

I understand how you feel.  In the past, I had strong motivation to quit from guilt, shame, thinking it was ruining my life, occasional pied...all kind of things.  I didn't think of those things when I was in my last binge and they never really surfaced (sad to say). However, I got this feeling one day that "it was time".  It was as simple as that and this reboot has been a peaceful journel...so far.

To build on Unchained's thought, guilt and shame are not sufficient enough fuel to reboot.  I find they may get you started, but when they wear off in a while the real you has to finish.  That's where I've relapsed in the past.  After the guilt wears off.  That little voice that says "it's time", is a far better tool for reboot.  It starts with the real you wanting to change.  After you begin to change your view of PMO, it becomes easier.  At some point in all our lives it was a release, something to look forward to, exciting, fun, we eagerly anticipated the time to spend with it.  Now, it's an aggravation, something hateful, dirty, shameful, a thing we hate and want to dig out of ourselves.  I have wished I could reset my brain like we reset computers and just start fresh. When our view of it begins to change, we are on the right path.  Then we can develop a fondness for the relationships we've neglected in the past.  In this way, we reboot/require our brain to love.  Love ourselves and all those who love us by abstaining completely from PMO.  Peaceful thoughts.  Out.

I agree guilt can only take you so far. It has never helped to beat yourself up overr it, yet at the same time I think it's good to acknowledge, this is wrong in so many ways.

Today has been good. A few passing thoughts, but nothing major. A little hard as I sit here alone as the wife is gone for awhile. I noticed last night when she mentioned that should would be gone my first thought was PMO. It was like a reward in my head, something to look forward to. Need to change that thinking.

Going to make a conscious choice to think of some other activity to look forward to when that happens again. It's horrible that my first thought is PMO.

I was feeling great yesterday, lots of energy, good mood. Felt good about reboot. Today down some, not a lot but enough to feel the difference. Up and down pretty typical stuff.

Possible triggers below.

No big urge today which is good. I began to think about long term history of my progress. Like lots of you I have repeatedly tried to quit without a lot of success. Some of the successes I can think of over the years. I no longer seek out porn in magazines, hiding them in the house. I no longer try to sneak into adult shops out of shame. I no longer have a desire to PMO on our home PC, changing user and settings. I no longer view porn at work. That was stupid, I gave that up before most companies got smart about filters and tracking employees. I have cut back on PMO to photos and fantasies of friends. I still struggle with the fantasy part. A lot of this has changed as result of my iPad and access to high speed internet. Still trying to look at the positive in things.

The bad, ipad and access to lots of videos. I have nothing saved, but it is stored in my head. I know the video sites by heart and can look them up in an instant. While overall I feel like the fantasies have gotten better, I still get locked into finding the right video with someone that looks like my object of fantasy. That was my last binge. I found the video, she looked like the girl I was thinking of and doing the thing I wanted to fantasize about. That led to me going back multiple times. Even typing about it is getting my heart beating faster. On to another subject.

In someways I have traded my old bad habits for new easier ones. Now I need to break these easier ones. Writing about this does remind me of how much of a pervert I felt like in the past with the old habits, but still one with what have done recently. Time to think about why porn is not an option and change my mind over.

Stay strong!

It only gets better each day.  Soon the memory fades and you wonder what was the big deal, it's been a decade since I quit smoking and I often laugh about how easy it seems.  70 days into this and I can't wait to hear us all say the same thing.

Good to see you posting and look forward to the next update.

20 better...glad you are here.

what great posts here....from all the men who are writing....

I'm struck by what was said...when the guilt and shame wear off, then the real you has to kick in. Educating the rational part of you that isn't driven entirely by the gut feelings helps a lot. The videos here are great.

But, it's true...we have to determine that it is indeed time to stop this. The guilt and the shame are not bad in themselves...actually, they are good when they push us to change....but we cannot get in a tailspin with it. We have to choose to change and then make a plan and put it into action.

King David wrote: When our view of it begins to change, we are on the right path.  Then we can develop a fondness for the relationships we've neglected in the past.  In this way, we reboot/require our brain to love.  Love ourselves and all those who love us by abstaining completely from PMO.

Wow....I couldn't agree more.
It is demonstrating love for myself, and love for my wife and my children...and anyone else in my life when I abstain completely from pmo.

I'm glad you are here...thanks for making the choices to leave pmo.

NGU

Thanks NGU, I guess I never thought of it that way. It makes perfect sense that you are not loving those in your life, even yourself with PMO. When I read those words it was eye opening in a way.
I think part of the draw to PMO has always been an inability to connect with people. I have felt scared of making friends, fear of rejection. I wasn't worthy of having friends or happiness, which in turns feeds the need for more porn. I wanted companionship in some way but wasn't worthy of real.
Your right I need to appreciate and love myself first. I wouldn't want my children to be addicted and I would help them to overcome it however was needed. I should be willing to do the same for myself. Thanks again. That is an uplifting thought for me today. I will no doubt re read that again when needed.

You are worthy of love 20better. Friendship and happiness too.

Everyone is worth of companionship and out there is a girl who would love to share all that you have to offer.  Work on this for a little bit and then start to explore the world, it's only scary when you are looking but when you are in the moment time doesn't give you the chance to worry.

Touching on guilt and shame, I have to admit I didn't feel too guilty or shamed, and that may have been why it took me so long to commit to making a change.  What I am hoping to make work for me is the logical realization that what I want in my life, and what I have, can all be lost because of my PMO.... I am hoping this is a powerful motivator that will lead me to the right place in the end.  It sounds like you are on the right track 20bettermyself15...

Your comment about helping your children if they had this problem seems to me to be a huge breakthrough for all of us.  Being involved in my children's life and reading and educating myself on this issue I hope to be able to spot this and help my children should they ever need it.  One thing for sure if we weren't talking and educating ourselves.  If we weren't trying to make these changes ourselves; we wouldn't be able to help anyone else.

Our stories  sound very familiar
I was 98 days clean, a couple  of months ago, I was feeling  so good about everything, then one night I let brain  take over, and I had to reset  my counter. I'm having  a really  tough  time getting  focused  again. Like you, when my wife says she's gonna be somewhere, I think about all the porn I can edge to, until she gets home. I know if I can get past the first  month I'll  be a lot more confident, in my struggles. I'm pulling  for you brother. It's kind of nice to know, that we aren't  in this fight alone. Stay strong.

Joystick it is difficult to take up the fight, but it worth it. I have been able to make it to 90 days once, then 50 days after several relapses. More relapses now back to the fight. Looking back I always feel better and more confident without porn, just have to remember those feelings.

Porn creates the illusion of happiness but is false and fading. After 30 some years I just have to keep on fighting. The last few days are going well, lots of energy at work and general happiness. I know the temptations will return, they always do. My wife may be gone for a few hours in a few days, when I get home, time to fight the thoughts starting now.

We are all certainly not alone. Keep up the fight we can improve ourselves and relationships only by rejecting porn.

20bettermyself15 said:

Joystick it is difficult to take up the fight, but it worth it.

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You calling him Joystick just made my whole freaking day...funny...very funny.  That is the best laugh I've had here, and it is much appreciated.

FUNNY

Joystick...holy shit

That was pretty  funny, hell that made me laugh too. Laughing is a good thing. With all the crap we are all going through, we need a good laugh

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. My wife had to shut my office door.

Jaystock said:

That was pretty  funny, hell that made me laugh too. Laughing is a good thing. With all the crap we are all going through, we need a good laugh

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Dang straight.  It's important to laugh.  In he  midst of hell, we need to know that life is good.

Here's to hoping for more laughs.  Think I'll pop a beer and read that again.

The fun of autocorrect....or just plain old thinking one thing, typing another glad to give everyone a good laugh. Keep up the fight!

I started laughing again!